It was slowly becoming harder and harder for Murphy to be around or even see Connor. It seemed like every time he so much as looked at his brother he was being outshone. Connor was classically handsome, well built, did well in school, everything about him seemed to be viewed through the lens of perfection, he excelled without even trying at anything he put his mind to; he was the quintessential golden boy. Connor could do no wrong in anyones' eyes, without even trying he just exuded confidence. Being twins they were constantly scrutinized and compared to one another despite the clear differences between them. And Murphy was slowly falling further and further into the shadows Connor cast without even knowing it.
He supposed he had probably always lived his life in his brothers' shadow and just never noticed it before; Connor had always been the friendly outgoing twin. Meanwhile Murphy had been blissfully unaware of the way he faded into the background, always looking up to Connor, looking to him for guidance, looking to him for even the simplest advice. Never realizing that no one really saw him there behind Connor until recently.
Once he had taken notice of one small incident he hadn't been able to stop noticing and it tore him apart. They were twins, how could one of them be so much better than the other. The more he wrestled the issue the more Murphy realized he didn't even really know how to become his own separate person away from his brother. Connor was better looking, friendlier, less spastically temperamental, it was like he had wound up with all the desirable traits leaving not a single damn thing for his overly emotional, shy, quick tempered brother. Murphy certainly wasn't blind to his faults, if anything in his acknowledgment of them he only emphasized them, turning the smallest imperfection in himself into a glaring flaw to the point it defined him. There was nothing in the world he could do that Connor couldn't, and everything they could both do it seemed Connor was better at. What made it worse was the fact that despite all of that his brother still meant the world to him, was his world. He was like an extra in a film; only there to support the main part, uncredited in the back they needed him but he wasn't important enough to be known as anything on his own; he was just an extra role in the movie of Connors' life.
Murphy leaned in slightly closer to the mirror trying to smile and managing more of a grimace than anything else; he wiped a tiny spot of pasta sauce from the corner of his mouth with disgust. He was such a pig. He brushed his hair to one side then the other as if it would make some kind of difference, embarrassed he swept his hair back like Connor did, hell no he didn't have the facial structure for that. He left his hair flopped where it was and moved on to his face. His eyes were bright blue, that counted for something right? Even if he did look perpetually tired. His nose, not much to think about there just a nose, his lips, dry, too thin and just not appealing, he tried to smile again, some of his teeth were crooked, they could use a little whitening, his whole face was just soft, he lacked the defined jaw and cheekbones that seemed so desirable. Something about his ears didn't look right either, he sighed as he continued to stand and look at his reflection. He was skinny too, he thought as he backed up from the mirror, not a lot of muscle.
It didn't stop with the perceived physical flaws either. He wasn't overly friendly or outgoing, more of an emotional hothead. In other words he was a problem. That was the only possible way he could explain the way Connor watched out for him, he felt obligated to keep his stupid brother out if trouble, he was nothing but a liability and inconvenience. It made sense that in a set of twins one would just be better than the other, one with all the good genes and one stuck with the leftovers, like an accidental twin that was only there to house the negative aspects so the intended child didn't have to be burdened with them, he was a shadow in every sense of the word. Hell he probably just made everything more difficult for Connor and his Ma, what was the point in his being there anyway. He would have to be blind not to see how Ma had struggled to raise the two of them, his life he had watched her fight for every scrap of food and clothing they needed, needing twice as much as the other single mothers, had seen her skip meals so her boys would be well fed, heard her beg relatives on the phone to please help her, that no one had to know they had even talked, that they could hate her for what she had done but how could they hate her innocent sons. Her life would have been so much easier with just one of them. Would probably still be easier with just one whether she had managed to get things in order for them or just gotten better at hiding the sacrifices she made.
Murphy found himself in front of the mirror at least once a day if not more often, staring intensely at his own face and picking apart any tiny flaw he could find, somehow finding even more each day. He found himself standing in the shower longer and longer as time went on, despite knowing they could barely afford hot water, staring at his body through the steam, thin arms, no definition in his legs, the way his waist curved in like a girls, the absolute lack of any kind of definition or muscle. On days he was feeling particularly uncomfortable with himself he showered with the lights off in the pitch darkness, barely touching his own skin as he washed himself. After any particularly long amount of time spent locked in the bathroom Connor would wink at him, stick his tongue out, raise an eyebrow knowingly, guessing the extended trips were for only the most typical teenage boy reasons. The truth was Murphy was pretty sure at that point he didn't have a sex drive of any kind, not that any one else would want him anyway, but he wasn't even embarrassed that Connor thought that was how he spent his time, it was better than telling him the truth, more normal.
Connor had never been so confused before, usually he could get at least some feeling of what was wrong with Murphy, he had seen him through so many struggles already in their short lives he always knew when something was wrong with his brother even if he initially didn't know how to approach the situation he knew. But his behavior had gotten so bizarre. He was always locked in the bathroom and Connor couldn't even guess what he was doing half the time, surely no one actually needed that much alone time for that. He was even more socially withdrawn than usual, barely even lifting his head to see his surroundings anymore. As much as it hurt him Connor couldn't find anything he could do at the moment, he would rather wait even if things would get worse, than rush in now with basically no idea and possibly make the problem even worse.
Even their teachers seemed to unintentionally favor Connor, praising his work more often even in assignments they did together, spending more time working with him to make sure things were perfect, Murphy felt lucky to get papers back with a grade on them. On top of everything else was he stupid too?
Eventually Murphy had enough; he could see he was not needed at home, if anything not being at home would make his brother and Mas' lives easier. It wasn't the standard childish notion of running away; it was a serious consideration to just disappear into the streets for the good of the only people in his life. He was tougher than they realized he could make it on his own somehow, between him and Connor they were darkness and light, if he left only the light would remain. While Connor was out of their room one day he began to pack, having already given serious thought to what he would need. Lighter, box cutter, wallet, underwear just because the thought of not having them frankly grossed him out, spare longsleeve shirt since it would be cold soon, mouthwash for easy hygiene, on a sentimental whim he swiped a framed photograph of the three of them and crammed it into the bag. Staring long and hard at the innocuous black backpack on the floor he sighed, he would wait a few more days.
His favorite black printed pullover, well-worn boots since they were the sturdiest shoes he owned, the first pair of jeans without holes he had found, soft navy t-shirt. Murphy looked around the room one last time as he looked in the mirror once again. Comfortable was what was important right? He really didn't know when he'd get to change again. He took one last long look at Connor where he slept soundly with no idea he was leaving, blissfully ignorant. Surely he wouldn't be upset for long. Throwing on a beat up Bruins baseball cap as a last addition Murphy shouldered his bag and slipped quietly out the door, disappearing into the dark.
He liked to think he knew his city rather well, he walked around the streets every day, but it was a whole different scene by the light of the moon and the few working streetlamps. It would be easier to formulate a plan by the light of day but he needed somewhere to spend the night. Eventually he made his way to the neighborhood bar, Mcginty's, the man who ran the place, went by Doc if he remembered right, was nice enough, fond of both him and Connor, he frequently gave them free sodas when they wandered in looking for somewhere to kill time, no doubt he'd rather find Connor sleeping in his alley but it was the only logical place he could come up with at the moment. Naturally the bar was still bustling but that only made it easier for him to creep past into the back alley, luckily there was no one back there at the time but there was no guarantee no one would appear. Stripping his hoodie off he balled it up and placed it on top of his bag, curling up in the minimal shelter behind the empty dumpster. Eventually he managed to doze off into an uneasy sleep.
Connor woke up feeling vaguely uneasy without really knowing why. Rolling over in bed he slowly started blinking his eyes open. After waking up to the same sight every day of his life it was immediately obvious when something was off. He had never rolled out of bed so fast in his life as he had when he saw Murphys' empty bed. The most rational explanations ran through his mind at first, he was in the kitchen eating breakfast, in the bathroom, had simply gotten up early. But Murphy didn't do early, ever, for any reason, there hadn't been a single day Murphy had gotten up before the alarm, hell he didn't even get up at the alarm half the time. Panicked he rushed out of his room, skidding into the kitchen where Ma sat nursing a cup of strong black coffee. "Ma have you seen Murphy?"
Ma looked vaguely confused as Connor stood in the middle of the apartment in his underwear looking frantic. "Isn' he asleep in your room?" She raised an eyebrow; there was nowhere else he could be. Connor slumped into a kitchen chair, "No, he's not."
Murphy really hadn't slept well, the sunrise waking him earlier than he would have thought he was physically capable of getting up. He was quick to realize what a lucky coincidence it was when he heard the back door of the bar open and voices coming closer. Curling in as small as he could he wedged himself halfway between the wall and the back of the dumpster, the voices got even closer, there was a clanging sound and a crash as something landed in the dumpster, then he breathed a sigh of relief as the voices receded back eventually disappearing back into the building. Stretching out his stiff muscles and hefting his bag once again he stood, it was time to come up with a real plan of action, starting with where he could find some food. Without much more thought than that he started towards the small area of town where the farmers market usually set up, some vendors were present all week.
"Don't bother callin' the police Ma, I can find him." Connor crammed his feet into his shoes hastily, shrugging on a coat that might not even have been his, pulling jeans haphazardly over his shoes. "If someone had done something to 'im I woulda woken up, he musta just…left for some reason." Connor grabbed a house key off the hook by the door, throwing his rosary on as he passed by, "I promise I'll be back by dark Ma, just don' worry ok."
Connor really didn't know where Murphy would have gone, or why. He should have tried to talk to him sooner, he needed to be less passive when it was clear something was wrong. Boston was a huge city, but Murphy only could have gotten so far in the amount of time he had, the problem was he could have gone any direction, he was sure to stay in the Irish areas at least, he was comfortable there. With little else to go on Connor set off in the direction it seemed Murphy was most likely to have gone from their front door, towards McGinty's considering it was on the way to the area of town they were most familiar with. Pausing for a moment he looked up at the sky, muttering a quick prayer to find his brother safe and soon.
Murphy stuffed a piece of warm bread in his mouth, savoring the warm flavors, either no one there kept a good eye on anything or he was sneakier than he thought. Maybe that was something he would be good at, fat lot of good it would do him. Bag stuffed with as much food as he had been able to get his paws on he realized he really didn't know what to do with his time. And if he was going to be totally honest with himself, he missed Connor already. But surely Connor hadn't spared a moment to miss him, if he'd even noticed he was gone. His only option really was to just wander about until night fell again, he didn't really have to do anything other than survive any more, and even that wasn't too difficult yet. Eventually he wound up at the public library, a run down building in need of a little, or a lot, of love, but no one would question a teenager with a backpack there at least; and he'd have something to do. Nestled in a beat up armchair in a distant corner he cracked open the cover of the first book his hands landed on. He would go back to Mcgintys' when it started to get dark again, it was still early yet but he felt better to have a place to sleep in mind, and Mcgintys' was at least mostly familiar, even if he did have to worry about someone mentioning to his family they had seen him there. Temporarily it was as good a solution as any.
Connor canvassed the city as thoroughly as he could, going only so far in one direction before turning around and trying another with no real rhyme or reason. He felt lost, he had no idea what he was doing or where to look, his brother had never felt so far away, whatever it was that tied them together had never seemed so broken and distant. He didn't have a clue why Murphy would run away, they told each other everything it was hard to believe he would do such a thing without even a vague mention of it coming up. Every brunette boy in the street seemed to be Murphy for a brief moment; it was a desperate crushing blow every time he realized it wasn't. He stopped at a payphone briefly to tell Ma he was all right and still looking, then hung up before she had time to argue with him.
The closer to darkness it got the more despair crept in, Murphy could easily be miles away and clearly didn't want to be found, and he had to make it home before Ma worried herself sick, they would have no choice but to get the police involved the next day. Finally having to start towards home Connor decided to stop in at Mcgintys' for just a minute, maybe one of the regulars had seen Murphy, it was a place they both knew where people knew them.
"Rootbeer for ya Connor?" Doc called from the end of the bar as he saw Connor enter, "It's getting' late for you to be out here. Never seen ya without your brother before either." Doc handed him the glass bottle and Connor sipped it gratefully. The last comment Doc had made illustrated their situation perfectly, they were the MacManus brothers, they were a pair, together, if you saw one the other was right there. If they weren't together all anyone noticed was one was missing.
"He's gone Doc, woke up this mornin' and he wan't there, have ya seen 'im?" Connor rubbed his eyes like a tired child, briefly wishing he could convince Doc to just give him a beer.
"Thought I saw a boy in the alley last night, didn' see close enough to know if it was Murphy." Doc spoke slowly, not wanting to give him any false hope but not wanting to skip over any potentially relevant information either.
"Can I go look?" Connor looked up, hope glittering in his eyes for the first time all day.
"He'd be long gone by now." Doc shook his head sorrowfully.
"Please can I just look, I just, if he was there I'd know." Connor blushed at how ridiculous it sounded.
"I'm not goin' stop you." Doc got up to respond to a request from another patron.
Connor stepped out into the alley slowly, afraid of what he might find, or not find. "Murphy?" he called quietly, hopefully despite knowing there was little chance Murphy would be there, even if he had been the night before.
Murphy shifted where he had once again settled in by the dumpster for the night. Fitting, the thought flitted lazily through his mind, fitting to be seeking shelter with the trash when you are trash. For a moment he could have sworn he heard Connors' voice call his name and groaned, he had not been gone long enough to already be hallucinating like this. Not to mention how hard he was trying to convince himself he didn't miss him at all.
Connor stood silently outside the alley door, he could have sworn that he heard someone groan, someone shift. The shifting could have been any variety of animal, but the other sound had been distinctly human. "Is someone out here?" he called, still keeping his voice low, even if it wasn't Murphy he couldn't in good conscience leave someone out there.
It had to be Connor, there was no way he was still imagining it. Murphy sat up slowly and drew his knees to his chest, the dumpster had been pushed back too close to the wall for him to hide behind it again. He pulled the hood of his jacket up trying to cover as much of his face as he could and put his head down, trying to blend in and dissolve into the shadows.
Connor heard another sound, he crept slowly into the alley, nearing where the sound seemed to have come from, he peeked behind the industrial dumpster behind the bar. Unless he was seeing things there did seem to be a person huddled in the mess. It could very well be any bum in the South Boston area, but he just had a feeling that it wasn't, he couldn't live with himself if he didn't check. He placed a hand lightly on the forms shoulder, the head came up ever so slightly, a pair of familiar luminous blue eyes peered out from under a black hood.
"Murphy." Connor breathed with relief, "Murph." He tried to throw his arms around him and was surprised when he didn't respond. It was Murphy, he knew those eyes, he recognized the jacket, so why wasn't he responding. "What are you doin' out here, what the 'ells goin' on." Connor realized with embarrassment his voice was thick with tears.
"I left." Murphy still didn't look up enough for Connor to see his face.
"Obviously." Connor growled, "But why Murph, I've been worried sick and so has Ma."
"Didn' think you'd miss me anyway." Murphy mumbled, chewing his lower lip.
"Wha' the hell Murph why in the world would you think that?"
"Because I'm just an accident, no one needs me." Murphy finally gave in and looked up, resting his chin on his knees.
"If you're an accident so am I, we were a two fer one deal Murph, when Ma didn' even want one." Connor shook his head as he tried to figure out where Murphy was coming from.
"You're everything good out of the two of us Connor, the looks the talent the social skills. You got everything; I'm just extra, just here. You don't need me around. You're the one everyone sees." Murphy couldn't quite meet his eyes. "I figured you'd be better off without havin' ta keep an eye on your hothead brother."
Connor sighed; Murphys' solution to just about everything was to assume he was the problem. "What makes you think that Murph."
"I'm not blind. I see how people look right at you and right over me. There's nothing I'm good at that you aren't better at. I'm just inferior so why stick around."
"Everyone sees' you Murphy, everyone sees' us, if ones there so's the other. No one looks at us and thinks there's Connor and the other one, no ne thinks oh one of them is so much smarter. They see us, brothers."
"You're the one they notice Connor, I'm jus' there in the background, you're better looking, more social, smarter, they see you. I'm a shadow."
"We're goin' ta be totally honest here Murphy. I've always been jealous of your nose, your cheekbones, the dark hair. And I wish I could feel the way you do, every emotion you have is right there under the surface bubbling up, it's really quite intense Murph." Connor reached out and rested a hand on Murphys' knee.
Murphy just shook his head. "Just stop trying to make me feel better."
"Nothin' but the truth Murph."
"I'm just inconvenient, you always have to watch out for me because I'm just a fuckin' disaster, all I do is screw shit up."
"Do you have any idea what my life would be without you Murph. There'd be no purpose to anythin' if you weren't around. I like to look out for you; I like your temper, you keep me on my toes. Neither of us is greater or lesser than the other, we're twins, equal. It would be boring without you, boring and lonely. Of course we aren't good at the same things, we balance each other out, I think, you feel, and together we get shit done, that sums us up Murph, we need each other to keep that balance, I'd be missing a huge chunk of my personality if you weren't around, and maybe you never thought about it but you would be too."
Murphy lightly placed his hand over Connors' where it rested on his knee. Connor smiled warmly at him, glad to notice he had finally looked up to talk. Murphy smiled unsurely, halfheartedly back, Connor grabbed his arm and yanked him forward, pulling him into a hug. Words couldn't describe the relief that flooded through him as he felt Murphys' arms come up and wrap around him in return.
"I'd love to trade places with you one day Murph, see our lives through your eyes."
"Clearly all my eyes do is fuck things up."
"You see things I don't and sometimes you just don't know what to do with them. That doesn't mean they aren't worth seeing."
Murphy leaned his face into Connors' shoulder. Connor rested a hand on the back of his head. "I'm always jealous of your shoulders too. If we switched places I'm sure it would all be the same story. We're enough the same that we're twins, and different enough to need each other. I don't know how I'd function without that."
Murphy stayed silent where he was, simply leaning into his brother, feeling their hearts beat and their chests rise and fall.
"We need to get home Murph, Ma's worried sick." Connor stood and offered a hand. Murphy hesitated for a split second then took the hand and hauled himself up, grinning widely.
Doc realized later that night he hadn't seen the MacManus boy come back in, he hoped he was alright, he should of warned him about the raccoons they were getting to be as big as bears out there. As long as he'd found his brother he'd be alright, really he pitied the raccoon who tried to get in the way of that reunion.
Note-So here we are again since I apparently have nothing better to do with my time on a Friday night than write fanfiction. I feel like style wise this doesn't fit in with the other chapters, however it's easily the longest thing I've posted here. Just let me get on my pedestal and defend myself for a moment. Men are just as physically insecure as women, it's just largely ignored and demeaned sadly, leaving a lot of men, especially teens and young men feeling awful not only about their appearance but awful about feeling that way. It's not a woman's problem like people try to make it out to be and that kind of generalization only causes more problems, considering that kind of insecurity is a huge issue for a lot of people and everyone has struggled with it at some point, even if others tell them they're attractive or fun or whatever else they don't believe it half the time, I know I don't sometimes. People always compare themselves to others and even compare random strangers to each other in every aspect of life and I can only imagine it's worse for twins who are usually expected to be exactly the same or completely and totally different. If anyone thinks two teen boys wouldn't have that "Deep" of a conversation just go ahead and tell me. That said the first paragraphs of this are in no way meant to represent my views of Norman Reedus or Murphy MacManus it's simply how he's viewing himself at the time, none of the physical traits used as examples are reflective of what I think of them so please don't be offended or irritated or how dare you talk about them like that. All I hope is that at least some of my chapters get the emotional depth I do my best to portray.
This is kind of a combination of a few different ideas I've had chucked my way. And a lovely comparison of the twins personalities that came about in a conversation on tumblr. Connor is the housewife in this relationship, the practical one who does what needs to be done. There's not a single clean dish in the house, Connor washes the dishes, Murphy just goes and buys new dishes. This about sums them up should anyone need the dynamic between them explained as far as I'm concerned
And thank you so much for saying my stories had some kind of realism, that's always my biggest concern, that my writing doesn't read as real or believable. I initially planned on posting this right before losing my computer since I thought it would be a nice angsty treat for you guys and would take awhile and I didn't plan on finishing it so quickly. So I hope you enjoy : ) Then I almost got sent to counseling at school for a short story for english class which I guess I'll take as a compliment. Still working on Chapter three of Every saint as well, hopefully making it a priority now that this chapter is done.
It's not my kind of music at all usually, but the song Warrior by Demi Lovato really fits the last few chapters I've written if you'd like to listen, I pretty much had it on repeat with this chapter. I considered posting playlists before but decided against it since they would just be weird and long. Keep the ideas coming if theres anything you really want to see since the whole posting situation is so subject to change but right now it looks like May 28th is the start of an unwilling hiatus. Another little fun fact, I don't read over anything I write until a few days later after it's posted for awhile, or else nothing would get published and things would get deleted all the time. I'll end my unnecessary rambling with a favorite writing quote of mine, claims its Ernest Hemingway (whom I don't even like) but I never know who really says the quotes on the internet.
~There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at the typewriter and bleed.