P/N: Hi, here we are again! Deathweaver, glad to see you back. Saruman says thank you. And you get your wish...here you are! Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant, Frodo maintains a snooty silence. Personally, though, I'm with you. And Sauron is awesome. ScribeofHeroes, (btw, have I ever told you that I love your username?) Frodo says he is now your biggest fan. Though of course he disagrees on a few points. But hey (he says) we can't all be perfect. CloveClove, Frodo says thanks and isn't he always the last to hear anything important? He's so glad he has your pity. My, I'd better hurry up and find that balrog! The problem is, they're all hiding. Thanks for your reviews! I appreciate your regularity. Ccgaylord, well, since you like them so much, aren't you glad they got to write a chapter, whether they needed to or not? :) Ummm...Frodo is trying to decide if that last was a compliment or not. He decided it was. He says thanks. 2MFreidmanFreak, Merry and Pippin say thanks, and you are cool. Faramir says he wasn't imposing on Pippin...He even told him he wasn't a very good soldier. It was Pippin who told him he was strong. Frodo was not cheered up. He keeps fuming 'Third? Only third?' Actually, other people have been telling me to have the ring write one too...don't worry...it's coming. :) Icprncss2, great ideas! You'll probably be seeing them soon. :D MagicWords1, Merry and Pippin say aren't they cute? And they're so happy to hear you don't think they're brain dead. Personally, they don't think they're brain dead either, but then, brain dead people aren't the greatest at telling whether they are brain dead or not. So they can't be sure. We are all very relieved over all the positive feedback on Veggie Tales...I wasn't sure how that was going to go over.

Thanks, all, for your reviews!

Elrond

Life as a half-elven lord in Imladris is hard, to say the least. For one thing, you get lots and lots of attention. You have to be in every movie, everybody has to write a fan fic about you or with you in it, everybody has to watch all the movies Hugo Weaving acts in...basically, everybody is completely obsessed with you. The obsession is so violent, in fact, that when some insane whacko starts publishing defences by different generally disliked people from Middle Earth, invariably, half a dozen people pop up and ask if I am going to write one. Am I generally disliked? First I heard about it.

In fact, I am probably am one of the most universally well liked elves around today. (If Feanor was still alive, he would cheat me out of that position, I believe, but he isn't, so there you are.) True, I do not have myriads of fan girls swooning at my doorstep like Legolas and Thranduil, but neither do I have huge armies of 'Elrond haters' as Legolas does of Legolas haters. Most people hold me in a sort of friendly regard. They think of me as a nice fellow, and they are a little obsessed with me. There are also some fan girls out there who think I am hot, and fan girl over me and all the rest of it. And finally, there may be a few scattered individuals (though I personally have not come across any) who do not like me...maybe, possibly, even hate me. Not likely though, though I say it who shouldn't.

But as I must necessarily put up some manner of defense for myself, let me start with my eyebrows. My eyebrows, if you must know, are the most commonly ridiculed thing about me. When I read fan fiction with myself in it, I am always coming across phrases such as 'Mr. Creepy Eyebrows', 'Elrond's brows were knit in his infamous glare', 'the lord of Rivendell's signature furrowed brow face', and so on. What is wrong with my eyebrows? I like my eyebrows. They are so useful. They are useful for intimidating Lindir, for one thing. It always scares him when I bristle them at him. They are also useful for scaring away fan girls. Sometimes. They are useful for getting across a point without saying anything. They are useful...need I go on? Suffice it to say, I like my eyebrows.

But if you insist on representing them as creepy, I can assure you that if you had the children and in-laws (especially in-laws) I have, your eyebrows would be creepy as well. Creepy relations are the scientifically-proven cause of creepy eyebrows. And I have far too many creepy relations.

Let us begin with Elrohir and Elladan. You can't tell them apart, unless you know them very, VERY well. I still get them mixed up occasionally, and I am their father (much as I regret to admit it). If that's not creepy, I don't know what is. They also are always doing very creepy, insane things. Like setting booby traps for Erestor all over the last Homely House. And jumping out and tackling Glorfindel every five minutes (so he tells me...I do not vouch for his honesty).

But they are nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to Arwen. Arwen has to be one of the creepiest people I know (though not THE creepiest...I'll get to them in a moment). Arwen chases rangers around in the woods, sings weird enchantments in elvish to make water turn into horses, whispers all the time, hangs out with her goofy boyfriend through long range hypnosis (Galadriel taught her that), etc. Creeepyyy! And then she's always mooning around Rivendell...I can't seem to get rid of her! First I sent her off to Lothlorien. (Note to all desperate fathers: No matter how obnoxious your daughter is, do NOT send her to Lothlorien. Trust me, it only makes her worse.) But after a while, she insisted on coming back so she could hang out with Aragorn. Then I tried for years to get her to go to Valinor, but she refused, and told me she had chosen a 'mortal life', which apparently meant that I was stuck with her until I decided to vacate Middle Earth. Finally, I thought I had convinced her to leave, but she came galloping back again, blathering nonsense about a son...her son, to be exact. Since when did she have a son? Finally, I let her marry Aragorn, and she went to Minas Tirith. But even now, she insists on taking extended vacations in Rivendell.

Which brings me to my creepy in-laws: first of all, Aragorn, my son-in-law, and before that, my foster son. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for when I adopted Aragorn. Not that I could have done anything about it, if I had known. Celebrian insisted that we adopt him, and in case you have never noticed, I am helpless against pushy women. But I have often since rued the day I allowed him in my house. Like Arwen, he whispers most of the time, and when he doesn't, he yells hoarsely. He's always chasing Arwen (as well as sundry other pretty women) around, and he's...a creep. Let us leave it at that for the time being. I suspect I shall say more on him later.

Then there is my father-in-law, Lord Celeborn. He is extremely creepy as well. I have heard it said that he looks sort of like an attractive zombie. The zombie part is right. I don't find him at all attractive, though.

But the ultimate creep is my mother-in-law, Galadriel. She has a creepy magic mirror which supposedly shows her things from the past, present, and future (though I personally doubt it...she probably just hypnotises people into thinking they see stuff in it). She turns into a creepy green rage monster when she is offered One Rings of destiny. She smiles creepily when you give her a compliment (Note to Gimli and Gandalf: Please stop giving Galadriel compliments in the movies...she totally creeps me out when she smiles). She's always doing long range hypnosis...at least Arwen only does it to Aragorn...Galadriel does it to anyone and everyone. But the very worst, creepy thing about her is that she can read my mind. Imagine having a mother-in-law who can read your mind! I can never get away with anything...not even having to shave every morning, which no one is supposed to know about. She is always finding out all my secrets and blackmailing me into doing what she wants. With a mother-in-law like her, who can wonder if I have creepy eyebrows?

So much for creepy eyebrows. Next: everyone is always trying to paint me out to be the bad guy for not letting Arwen marry Aragorn until he had won his crown. Let's be honest...Aragorn has not always been what I would call ideal son-in-law material. He hasn't really ever held a steady job, unless you count traipsing around in the wilds and smoking pipeweed with seedy old wizards and a bunch of hobbits a job. And he doesn't have even have one, single, respectable name.

He was born Aragorn. When he was little, we called him Estel. When he grew up, we called him Ellesar. Bilbo insisted on calling him the Dunedain. In Bree, everyone called him Strider. And that is by no means an exhaustive list. Would YOU let your daughter marry some unemployed bum who goes by half-a-dozen different aliases? Would you? Even if you could care less about your daughter. It would have been a shame on the family.

And we won't mention the fact that he always looks like he needs a bath. Always. His hair is never neat and not greasy looking. His face is never not streaked with mud and sweat. His clothes are never clean and whole.

And we won't even get started on his rather disturbing tendency to send smouldering looks to random blondes, not to mention waking them up and holding their hands in the middle of the night. He is not the sort of person you let your daughter marry...not until he shows some sign of settling down, at least.

Also...people give me a hard time because I didn't give him THE sword right from the beginning. Again...would YOU trust a precious heirloom to a shifty, hobo? Didn't think so.

I think I have made my views on Aragorn quite clear. In fact, I think I have made practically all my views quite clear. All my views on the subject at hand, that is. I could state my views on seeing Legolas bleeding all over my carpet and Aragorn with all his limbs broken (both common occurrences just a few years ago) very strongly if they had anything to do with writing self defending papers which you intend to submit for publication. I could also state my views on Ellrohir and Elladan propping buckets of water on top of open doors. (Sometimes I wish elves grew up as fast as humans do. Aragorn grew out of that stage years ago...but the twins have been doing this for centuries.) I could even state my views on the new song Lindir is making up outside my window, at the risk of driving you as crazy he is driving me.

But since those subjects have nothing to do with the subject at hand, and so I will now sign off.

-Elrond of Imladris

Note: The following was suggested by tommyginger. 'Mr. Creepy Eyebrows', 'if you had the children and in-laws I have, your eyebrows would be creepy too', 'Celeborn...looks sort of like an attractive zombie', 'Imagine having a mother-in-law who can read your mind! (I) can never get away with anything...', and practically the entire section about Aragorn! Thanks, minion!

P/N: Thanks for reading! Please review, and go take my brand new poll!