Ellie's Author Note: So, whose computer broke down, taking all her files and prolonging the time it took to get this chapter up when he amazing co-author could have probably finished it in half the time? *raises hand* It is completely my bad that this is so late, I am so sorry and it won't happen again. So in other news, Ek! Jesse St James back on my telly box now please! Can't wait until next Tuesday so I can spazz out. *dances around, flailing* Okay, I'm cool. Thanks to Julie who is amazing as usual.
Julie's Author Note: *laughing at Ellie's antics* Hey guys, so sorry for the delay. But real life kicked in (I'm two months short of my graduation), and Ellie's been crazy busy (she even went MIA on me for a few days), so we had to hold back a bit on the writing. In other news, YAAAAAAAAY! Five days until the gorgeous, talented, awesome, sexy as hell Jesse St. James returns to our screens! *dies* If anyone found a download link of the St. Berry version of 'Rolling in the Deep', feel free to PM me and claim my firstborn *grins*.
Disclaimer: Nope. Not ours.
and I owe it all to you: thirteen
Monday morning was crisp, cool and sunny as the Range Rover rolled into McKinley High's parking lot. Inside it, a relaxed and happy Rachel Berry (genuinely happy for the first time in months) sat on the passenger seat next to her… friend Jesse St. James, their hands clasped together as they sang quietly to one of his iPod playlists. They'd had an almost perfect weekend together at his family's mansion in Akron, with Noah and Santana, and for two days the four teenagers laughed, talked and generically had loads of fun. But of course all that's good must come to an end, so here they were, early Monday morning, both trying not to think too much of how the day would end up, since it would be the first time Rachel would stay face to face with the other gleeks since news of Dustin Goolsby's offer to her had leaked.
If they were being honest, Jesse was more nervous with everything than Rachel was. Don't get her wrong, she was worried, after all it would be a stressful confrontation, and she knew she was in no mental state to face one of those, especially with Quinn and Mercedes leading it as she knew they would, but at least she would have Noah and Santana by her side the entire day.
Jesse, on the other hand, wouldn't be able to keep protecting her like he had been doing for the last few days and that left him incredibly frustrated. He was extremely concerned with Rachel, since she was just getting back on her feet after months of self-harm, but he knew she wouldn't just bounce back and be again the strong and confident Rachel Berry he had fallen in love with.
Oh, that girl still existed, buried deep underneath the abuse, harassment and hurt – he had seen glimpses of her during their heavenly weekend together. But Santana had privatively warned him that Rachel wasn't going to just kick up her habit and be all perky and bossy again. There was a high probability she could relapse back into her cutting habits, especially if the stress got too high for her to handle. And that Monday would be especially stressful, Jesse could feel it.
Santana had suggested that he talk to Hiram and Leroy Berry about hiring a shrink for Rachel to talk to, and after running the idea with Puckerman (who was all for it) he had agreed. Rachel was kept in the dark for the moment because he knew she still wasn't comfortable talking about the cutting, and he knew it would be especially hard for her to discuss it with her fathers. But, as soon as the Berry men were informed of Rachel's mental state, Jesse would approach her with the idea of going to therapy. For all her expansiveness, Rachel was the type of girl to bottle up her feelings, and he had a feeling talking to an impartial third party would help her.
Rachel came out of her trance when she felt the car coming to a halt. Looking outside the window, she sighed as she recognized they were in front of school and, with a small smile, turned to her ex. "Everything'll be fine", she told Jesse, squeezing his hand softly. He eyed her for a moment, with a weak smirk, and nodded uncertainly, bringing her hand to his lips and kissing her knuckles gently. The brunette's breath hitched on her throat as the undercurrent of sparks that always existed between them flared back to life at the small touch, leaving her skin tingling pleasantly. Her eyes locked with his, loads of unspoken emotion thickening the air inside the car.
Jesse sighed, his lips tingling from where they touched her skin. There was so much he wanted to tell her, so many things they had to discuss concerning themselves and their past relationship… But he knew it wasn't the moment. That conversation, although needed to be had, was bound to be a very stressful and emotional one – so, not a suitable to happen with Rachel's well-being still so precarious. With a small smile, he let go of her hand cupping her cheek gently and leaning forward to press a kiss on her other cheek.
"Good luck", he whispered into her ear, and she smiled a little, nodding silently. Squeezing his hand slightly, Rachel picked up her bag and hopped out of the car; as she looked over at the peaceful building she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders.
Inside the car, Jesse allowed himself to feel hope.
The moment Rachel Berry stepped into the busy halls of McKinley High, she found herself flanked by Santana Lopez (the school's true HBIC) and Noah Puckerman (McKinley's self proclaimed resident badass). The two teenagers and former couple began speaking quite animatedly about their joint weekend, Noah's arm casually thrown over Rachel's shoulder and Santana's looped around Rachel's free arm (the other was squashed against Noah's body). Rachel needed a moment to relax into the conversation flow, but once she did, everything seemed normal.
But there was a reason why Puck and Santana had come to find Rachel the minute she arrived at McKinley and the three of them were keenly aware of it. Every now and then, they would run into one of the gleeks, who would glare reproachfully at Rachel and open their mouths to speak, but a glare from Santana and a scowl from Puck would send them on their way.
By the time lunch rolled, Rachel was shivering in panic, a glazed look in her eyes that had Santana worried. She had been like Rachel once, hurt, broken and scared, trying to put up a façade do hide the wide open cracks in her heart, and she recognized the shiver of one who longed for the only comfort they knew – the slide of the blade, the pangs of pain, the drip of blood. Intertwining her fingers with Rachel's, Santana squeezed hers softly, a gentle reassuring look on her face. When Rachel turned to look at the Latina, the taller brunette sang quietly, "Pretty pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel like you're nothing – you're fucking perfect".
A small grateful smile curved Rachel's lips, and she nodded, signaling she had understood the unspoken message. Taking a deep breath and squaring her shoulders, Rachel walked in the cafeteria, Santana's hand clasping her tightly, Noah trailing after them and texting updates on Rachel's day to Jesse, who was understandably freaking out. The three teens walked past the gleeks' table, silence falling heavily on the seated group – Mercedes, Tina, Artie – as they cruised towards an empty table on the corner, whispers chasing after them.
Finn, Quinn, Mike, Sam and Brittany were sitting on the ensemble table of Cheerios and footballers, Quinn glaring openly at Rachel, Santana and Puck, Finn going from confused looks to Rachel's and Santana's hands to resentful glares at Puck and pleading little glances to Rachel. Mike nodded slightly in acknowledgement at Puck and Santana, smiling slightly at Rachel. Sam looked confused and lost, busier trying to catch Quinn's attention. Lauren, sitting nearby on the wrestlers' table, stuffed her face up with candy.
Brittany however surprised everyone when she stood up and bounded up to where Puck, Santana and Rachel had sat down, a big smile on her face as she plopped down next on the other side of Rachel, who had Santana sitting on her right and Noah across from her. "Hi, Rach!" She said happily, stealing a piece of fruit from Rachel's homemade lunch bag. Santana smiled indulgently, Puck smirked and Rachel looked stunned.
"H-hello, Brittany", she stammered, looking puzzled at Puck, who shrugged and went back to typing away at his phone. "H-how are you today?"
"I'm great!" Brittany replied, smiling widely at her. "S, you're holding Rach's hand, does this mean she's like our friend now?" The blonde asked, and Santana smiled slightly.
"Yeah, you know, B, midget here isn't so annoying once you get to know her", the Latina said, shrugging as she looked thoughtfully at the long line for food. Shrugging, she began nitpicking on Rachel's assorted selection of organically grown fruits. "Sorry, midget, but your fruits taste better than the grub they're serving up there", she explained, and Rachel chuckled and nodded, pushing the bowl slightly so it was equally distant from Brittany and Santana.
"Great!" Brittany squealed as she hugged Rachel tightly. "I'm so glad you, me and S are friends now, Rach. You have a very pretty voice and you're always very nice – even when you're looking all lost and sad", the blonde nodded, startling Rachel who looked at her shocked and wide-eyed. "Did you know that my cat breaks in my cell phone and reads my texts? Charity's a very nosey kitty".
Rachel giggled and was about to reply to Brittany when a shadow fell over their table, and she stiffened as she looked up and came face to face with the maliciously-looking Quinn Fabray. "Brittany, Santana", she ordered coolly. "You guys have to go sit down with me and the other Cheerios. You too, Puck. The guys want to discuss the new plays Beiste has you guys working on".
"No can do, Q", Puck replied smoothly, stealing a piece of strawberry. "Fuck this tastes good, Berry", he said as he licked his fingers clean from the fruit's juices. Quinn, meanwhile, clenched her teeth together at being easily dismissed.
"Lopez, Pierce, it's an order!" She barked, and Santana looked up calmly at her, a cool expression on her face.
"Despite what coach tells you, Fabray, you're no young Sue Sylvester so, like Puck said, no can do".
Now furious, Quinn tangled her fingers on Rachel's hair and tugged angrily at it, making Rachel cry out in pain. "Listen, RuPaul-"
But she never came to end her sentence, because simultaneously two things happened: Puck and Santana stood up in light speed, both with stormy looks on their faces, while Brittany squeaked in shock and slapped at Quinn's wrist, with strength enough that it forced the head cheerleader to let go of Rachel's hair and take a step back. "Listen up, puta", Santana growled furiously (Puck, knowing that when Santana cursed in Spanish she was one step from beat up someone, placed an arm around her waist), "touch Berry again and I'll fucking cut you!" She said quietly. "I swear to God, Fabray, you lay one bony finger on her and I'll make your life a living hell".
Quinn scoffed in sheer disbelief. "Are you switching sides on me, Santana?" She sneered, while Brittany busied herself with massaging Rachel's aching scalp.
"You bet your scrawny ass that I am", Santana stated, shaking Puck off. "C'mon, Brit, Rach, let's get out here. I hear hypocrisy is contagious", she snapped, and Brittany stood up, lacing Rachel's pinky with her own and scowling at Quinn before following after Santana and Puck.
"You're going to regret this, Lopez!" The now seething blonde calling after the foursome.
"Oh I can't wait to see what you're going to pull, Fabray. Bring it!" The Latina called back as silence enveloped the cafeteria. Once the double doors slammed behind them, a loud buzz fell over the student body. Quinn stomped over to the Cheerios and jocks' table, shaking with anger.
Rachel spared a quick glance into the Choir room as she stood outside; everyone was talking busily, making petty small talk, except for Puck and Santana who were sitting on a corner, far away from the rest of glee, talking quietly to each other. They couldn't see her yet, she stood outside the door, looking in, pondering if it was a wise move to jump into the lions' den. She was then overcome with a major sense of déjà vu as she looked through the glass pane, remembering her last time in the hot seat of New Directions clear as day – the day she had to apologize for what she'd done to Sunshine.
The only noticeable difference between that day and this was that now there were more scars decorating her wrists and body; the thought made her pull her sleeves further down her arms in almost shame at herself. The tiny diva then took in a deep, calming breath before softly pushing the door open. As she slipped into through the gap in the door, heads popped up to stare her down as she entered.
"Hey", she greeted, remembering how Puck had advised her to act like nothing was wrong. He noticed this and nodded once, pride inside his bright eyes
"Don't 'hey' us", Mercedes snapped fiercely, hands on her hips as she stood next to where Quinn was sat, her ice cold eyes piercing into Rachel.
"I don't understand", she lied smoothly. Quinn pulled something from her binder, a couple pieces of paper and held them out to Rachel, unwillingly to cross the distance to her. Rachel padded to take them from Quinn's hand, the glares becoming more intense as she scanned the papers. She nearly chuckled at the comments on her and Jesse's intimacy and suppressed a smirk as she looked up at the club.
"Care to explain?" Quinn questioned, coolly, anger barely hidden in her voice. Rachel remembered what Jesse had said. Be truthful. She inhaled deeply, letting the air fill her lungs before starting.
"Well, for once, what Jacob says about me is true. I met with Coach Goolsby the other day". Her admission was met with outbursts of anger and protests. The club began to shout rowdily at Rachel about her betrayal.
"This is so like you, RuPaul", Quinn snapped as other remarks were thrown at her.
"Is this because you didn't get those solos at Sectionals?"
"I thought you were more committed to this team than this".
"You're a power hungry bitch".
Rachel's anger boiled at each comment. She tensed more and more with every word that left the New Direction's collective mind as they yelled at her. Her eyes met Santana, who was sat in the corner with Puck, watching the scene unfold. Santana was visibly upset, her hands clenched into fists as she clearly struggled to reign herself in. Puck nodded at her firmly, giving her some reassurance in herself as the comments turned to a different subject.
"How could you go back to that douche? Are you trying to hurt my feelings again?"
"He egged you!"
"He betrayed us, and you crawl back to him!"
"Enough!" Rachel barked loudly. The whole room was silent at her order. Rachel inhaled quickly, fury burning underneath her skin as she did. "I understand that this is somewhat a shock to everyone-"
"A shock! How could you do this to us!" Finn huffed.
"I did it as easily as you broke up with me, or Quinn calls me RuPaul! I felt no remorse in what I did, which is nothing by the way, because of how I've been treated by this group!" Rachel shouted, not even looking at Finn. Mercedes scoffed in disbelief, rolling her eyes. "I practically founded this club, built it up and I'm treated like nothing. If it weren't for me, no one here would have New Directions to hide when things get unbearable hard". She hissed in response to the club.
"And what about Jesse?" Finn snapped, looking her deep in the eyes "He egged you, he was a spy!" He yelled at her and she flinched in anger, her eyes welling up with tears.
"What, and I should be with you instead?" She asked him, irony and sarcasm dripping from his voice.
"You should! You'd be if you hadn't cheated on me with Puckerman!" Finn told her in a bark, like he was ordering her, standing up.
Rachel shook her head in disbelief before pointing at him. "That's the reason we're not!" She yelled. "You can't let go of one mistake I made – no offense, Noah – and yet you want me to forgive more than half a year of you lying blatantly to my face! You think you can just drop me, then pick me up when Quinn decides she's not interested or you get lonely or bored with her. And if someone shows some interest in me, you go all jealous like I'm yours, like I'm a property!" She exclaimed.
"No, it's not like that", he stuttered. "It's just… I just…"
"You know what? In the last couple of days Jesse has been a better friend to me than any of you ever has in years, he's looked out for me whilst I went through some bad times". She told the room whilst Finn tried to formulate a comeback. Everyone looked at each other in confusion.
"What kind of trouble do you have, ManHands? Your life is perfect, you just bitch and whine like a spoiled child". Quinn sniped at her, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Like your life is such a mess right now, right Quinn?" She shouted. "You know nothing about my life, none of you do! None of you cares.So don't go pretending you do. Hell, I bet half of you don't even know when my birthday is", she added, addressing the whole group.
Everyone shifted awkwardly, knowing that she was done. Rachel inhaled, looking at the eleven people before her and sees only people who have caused her to feel terrible about herself, make her scar her skin, make her want to leave the school, the district, the club, the world sometimes.
"I'm done", she announced before walking out the room. Everyone was silent for a few seconds until Santana stood up, Puck trying to pull her down as they murmured urgently.
"Por Dios!" Santana shouted. "You guys are pathetic!" She screeched bitchily as she marched towards Quinn and slapped her forcefully on the face. "And you, you pathetic excuse of a human being, you never again lay a hand of speak a word about Berry, otherwise I'll kill you. You think you're HBIC? That's because I allow you to be. Don't mess with me or my friends, Fabray, otherwise you'll have then a real reason to bitch and moan". With that, she turned away and left.
Santana was practically trembling in fury when she stormed out of the chaotic practice room, Puck's rough and furious voice ringing above Quinn's shrieks as he barked insults and painful never-spoken-before truths to the nine teenagers inside. In her haste to leave the choir room, she ran into two people, angry dark eyes looking up at the somber and concerned face of Will Schuester. She shook him off, mumbling, "Excuse me, Mr. Schue", as she tried to walk past him, but his hand on her forearm held her back.
"Wait, Santana, what's wrong?" He asked, looking worriedly and confused at her. He almost looked like he cared, and this made Santana laugh bitterly and humorlessly.
"You want to know what's going on? Fine, I'll tell you. Rachel has been going through some hard times and no one in that stupid 'family' you call glee club considered pulling the stick off their asses to ask her what's going on. It took St. James being back and Rachel being invited to be lead of Vocal Adrenaline by Goolsby himself for them to decide she's a fucking cheating bitch and jump on her like a bunch of hungry lions. And that's your fucking fault too, Schue, you know why? Because you look down at Rachel, Dios sabe por qué, you even yelled at her once because she was rightfully protesting against not having a solo at sectionals. So go ahead and pat that bunch of jerks on their heads for pushing Rachel away. But don't regret it when she leads Vocal Adrenaline to its fifth consecutive National title", the Latina said, sighing when the loud crashes and noises of a brawl filtered in. "I guess Puck did give Finn that punch he has been burning to give since Finn started being more of a douche to Rachel. I have to go find her. Later, Schue". Santana then left a stunned Will behind, going towards the auditorium.
Schuester was then brought out of his trance by yelled insults and more crashes and the muffled sounds of clenched fists meeting flesh. Shaking his head, he hurried towards the chaotic choir room. His eyes widened as he took in the scene that greeted him.
Puck was panting, Sam holding an also panting Finn back while Mike had Puck on a headlock. The two boys had cuts and bruises, Finn visibly more beaten up and struggling against the arms that held him captive than his former best friend. Despite being stopped from resorting to more physical violence, insults and bad words were hurled back and forth. Quinn and Mercedes were sitting on a corner, the blonde with her usual pristine ponytail all messy and undone, nursing with a increasingly redder cheek and looking downright pissed. Tina and Brittany were glaring at the two other girls, Brittany looking murderous. "HEY!" He called out over the loud voices. "What's going on here?"
But, before anyone could say anything, Jesse St. James hurried in the choir room, eyes frantic as he looked over everyone. Finn struggled to break free of Sam, forcing Mike and Artie to hurry towards him, Mike helping Sam hold Finn while Artie parked right in front of the taller boy. Undisturbed, Jesse marched towards Puck, asking in a quiet voice that rang loudly in the silent room, "Where is she? Where did she go?"
Jesse? Schuester thought in shock. "What the fuck is going on?" He blurted out.
Chaos broke out as everyone tried to outtalk the other, leaving Schue lost and forced to wolfwhistle loudly so everyone would fall silent. "Okay!" He said loudly as everyone settled (Finn shook Sam and Mike off while Artie remained exactly where he was, knowing somehow that another brawl could break out any time). "Jesse", the teacher said as he turned to the older teen. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in California".
"I was", Jesse said as he flicked back a lock of hair that kept falling in front of his eyes. "But then I saw Rachel in sectionals. She had her showface on for that entire evening. Plus, no solo, which led to a tied victory", he said pointedly, reveling on the guilt that flashed on the older man's eyes. "I knew right away something was wrong, so I called Dustin Goolsby and accepted the spot of assistant coach of Vocal Adrenaline, which he had offered me a few weeks prior. Once I was here, he told me he was interested on having Rachel replace Sunshine as lead and he wanted me to tell her that. So I did. And I think she just made her mind about whether to go there or not".
"Okay", Will nodded, hesitantly. "But that doesn't explain why you and Puck are fighting Finn".
"THAT SON OF A BITCH WANTS TO STEAL MY GIRLFRIEND AND SABOTAGE OUR WAY TO NATIONALS!" Finn yelled, making Puck growl.
"You fucking bastard, she's not your girlfriend anymore. You dumped her, remember? You fucking lied to her and she made a mistake and told you the truth and you dumped her anyway!" Puck took a deep breath, visibly trying to reign his temper in, as he turned to Schue. "No one likes Berry here, Mr. Schue, besides me and, clearly, San. She's my girl and Jesse is good for her. Why wouldn't I fight on his side?"
"And I don't want to sabotage your way to Nationals. You guys do that just fine yourselves, thank you. I love Rachel, and I want what's best for her. And, clearly, Carmel and VA are just that. Where is she, Puckerman?"
"Beats me, she left after calling everyone on their shit", the other boy shrugged, and Jesse nodded and left. Puck followed him, but a glimpse of Kurt, who was confused watching the entire scene unravel, made him say to the now quiet group. "Yo, why is Hummel's bullying any different from Rachel's? Why is he more special than she is? Because you can pretend you are her friends while Karofsky was always a threat?" He laughed bitterly. "Do you guys think that you're any less a threat to her life than Karofsky was to Kurt's? Think again. Assholes", he mumbled as he followed after Jesse, leaving a stunned group in his wake.
After searching for Rachel in the entire school, Santana finally managed to find her. The tiny, troubled diva was sitting on the bleachers, looking at the empty football field, eyes lost in the horizon like she was trying to decipher what the future held for her. Taking a deep, calming breath, the Latina climbed her way up to where the now former lead of New Directions sat, taking a seat next to her. They stayed silent for some moments, Santana's arm brushing against the soft cotton of Rachel's long-sleeved shirt, before the taller brunette took a deep, fortifying breath and hoisted up her short red Cheerio skirt. Rachel caught a glimpse of movement on the corner of her eye, and looked at her, gasping softly at what she way.
Right on the hem of Santana's also red spankies, there was a scar. It was faded, blending almost imperceptibly with Santana's naturally tanned skin, but it was a scar nevertheless. The Latina ran a fingertip slowly at the mark, silent as she tried to put her thoughts in order before she met Rachel's inquisitive eyes. "Yeah. Me too. I started after my mother died, of cancer. She found out when she was terminal, and she died like that", she snapped her fingers as she quietly answered the unspoken question. "If it weren't for my sister, my father and my therapist…" She took a deep breath, voice thick with tears.
Rachel's fingers hovered over the hem of her sleeve, and she too took a deep breath as she closed her eyes and slowly lifted it, showing Santana her collection of scars, some more healed than the others. "It's hard", she whispered, eyes still shut tight, "to resist temptation. Sometimes I feel it's stronger than me", she admitted quietly.
"It's not", Santana said instantly. "You're going to be fine, Berry. You have Jesse, who's fucking nuts about you, and Puck, who would kill someone to protect you". The cheerleader then made a pause and added quietly. "And you have me too. I get it, Berry, and I'll help you out of it".
Rachel, eyes swimming with tears, threw herself in Santana's arms, hugging her tightly. Relief washed over her, as she realized there was still hope for her, that she could still lead a normal life. "Thank you", she whispered, voice rough as tears washed down her face.
Santana squeezed her with equal force, tearing up as well.
From the first bleacher, Puck and Jesse exchanged a smirk.
All would be well.