Title: Never Knew I Needed [Part Thirteen]
Rating: NC-17
Length: 9.8k
Notes: You guys are SO incredible, seriously. You're giving me inspiration to write with your words and your enthusiasm! But anyway, I'd like to just do a quick shout out to heyho and tell everyone that if you aren't reading her fic Paperweight, you need to be. Seriously, it's awesome and I don't usually recommend fics but go right ahead 'cause so far it's epic!
/
Quinn pushes off the wall and slowly walks toward you, her arms folding over her chest and eyes squinting further as she gets closer and closer.
You know you should say something, because you don't even know if she saw Brittany come out the closet before you. For all you know, she could have just come along and was casually leaning against the wall in case someone she knew walked past. Which, sure, is unlikely and means you might have to come up with an excuse about why you were hiding in a storage closet, but that's sure as hell going to be easier than explaining why you were in there with Brittany.
Although as she gets closer, where you expect to find curiosity and suspicion lingering behind the hazel eyes boring into yours, you see something else.
Something softer.
Something more like... an understanding.
And a willingness to listen.
It cracks something inside of you, something you thought you could hold back and when she gets close enough, you choke out a sob and a single tear rolls down your cheek, and then she's right there, wrapping her arms around you and pulling you into a hug you didn't know you needed. You don't cry; instead you force yourself to hold back the remaining tears threatening to spill and clutch on to her, pressing your face hard into her shoulder and digging your fingers into the fabric of her pajamas beneath her coat as you let the walls come down and let your emotions free.
Pain. Anger. Jealousy. Hurt.
You let all of it go, let it racket through your body, slice through you until you're whimpering against Quinn's shoulder and wishing that it would just go away. You just let yourself feel, and Quinn holds strong because you can't do it for yourself, and rubs comforting hands up and down your back as you two stand in the middle of a hospital ward's hallway, people, doctors, patients, just passing by until you finally manage to find some routing for yourself. Until you finally manage to pull away from her and stand on quivering legs, Quinn's hands grasping your biceps as she looks, like really looks, into your eyes.
But you know she won't be able to see how you're feeling. There's only ever been one person who could look into your eyes and see how you're feeling.
And that person just walked out on you, and is now probably off with some other guy.
God, you're such an idiot.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Quinn finally questions, her voice soft and low.
You gulp, because it's not until know that you know for sure that she knows what subject you would talk about. She knows, you can tell by the way she's trying to sympathize with you subtly and by the way her thumbs are massing your biceps that she knows about you and Brittany. You're pretty sure you knew when she was walking toward you, when she was showing you understanding instead of anger,and even though you know you should probably be freaking out, you just need someone to help you. You just need someone to talk to because you don't know where your head's at and you don't know what to do about Brittany anymore.
So you nod, blinking back another sudden rush of heat at your eyes and whisper, "Yeah," as you glance away, somehow hoping Brittany hasn't just walked out on you, but rather she's standing there waiting for you. But she isn't there, and you bite down on your quivering bottom lip as your eyes return to Quinn's. You feel lost. "I don't know what to do."
She seems to understand, because instead of questioning you here, and doing the normal Quinn thing where she doesn't drop it until she's sure she wants to listen by poking the subject out of you, she just winds her arm around yours, offers you a small, soft smile and walks you down the hallway toward the hospital cafeteria.
You've never been as grateful as you are now for having Quinn in your life.
/
"I've known for a while, you know."
You've been sitting at one of the cafeteria tables, a coffee clasped within your hands for the past ten minutes now, and this is the first thing she's said. You snap your head up, knowing exactly what she's talking about but it still feels like you need some confirmation of that. It still feels like it's a secret, something you've held back for so long, and you can't let it go unless you know, one hundred percent, that she knows because otherwise you're in shit.
"What?"
Quinn lets out a short, disbelieving laugh through her nose, the corners of her lips curving up as she drops her eyes to her own cup of coffee. "I saw you two at the coffee shop a few months back," she elaborates, lifting her gaze. You freeze a little, but know exactly what she's talking about again. "I came in to remind you and Brittany to make the pastries as neither of you were answering your phones, and I saw you."
Heat floods to your face, the beginning of embarrassment setting in but your other feelings are too strong for you to really focus on that. "Why didn't you say anything?" You ask through a breath, your brow creasing. Quinn has acted a little strange, and you can't really say you're that surprised because she hasn't exactly been great at hiding her suspicions, but it's still a little shocking to find out that she's known something you thought was a secret for so long.
"Neither of you told me," she answers with a shrug, and you can tell by the way she doesn't meet your eye, instead choosing to glance over your shoulder that she's a little hurt you didn't tell her. You wonder how long she's felt like this. "So I figured you didn't want anyone to know."
It's true though, and you don't need to feel bad about not telling her on top of everything else. "Yeah. We, erm... we didn't want anyone to know."
Quinn bobs her head, accepting your words. "Thought as much," she takes a sip of her coffee and tilts her head to the side. "So what's going on then? What are you two doing? Why are you arguing?"
The first thing that comes to your mind is to ask how she knows you two are arguing, but no doubt she saw Brittany coming out the closet in a state, she definitely saw you coming out looking all kinds of distraught and then there's Sugar who probably said something. Girl can't keep her mouth shut. You still love her though.
"I don't know," you reply, lifting one hand to rub at your forehead in frustration. You've been asking yourself the same question for months now; what are you and Brittany doing? Are you really just best friends with benefits? Do they stare into each others eyes when they come and feel their souls merging together into one? Do they kiss each other when they want and make sweet and hot love in the dead of night? Do they look at each other with such love it'd make Noah and Allie look like a freaking fling?
You don't know, and now there's the fear coming back to you that you'll never know, either.
"Are you two just sleeping together?"
You know you shouldn't feel pissed at Quinn – she doesn't know about yours and Brittany's past and she doesn't know the frustration you feel when you ask yourself that, let alone having someone else ask that – but you still feel a jolt of anger and curl your fist against your head, shaking it.
"I don't know," you reply again, because it seems you don't know anything anymore. You let out a heavy exhale and drop your hand to the table, clenching your jaw as you look to Quinn again. "We were at the beginning but... at first we freaked out because the first time we slept together, we were both drunk and Brittany had feelings for me. Then the second time... I think it was out of jealousy of seeing her and Carl and we were completely fine after, and—and then third..." You shake your head again, squeezing your eyes shut as you remember going back to Brittany's after the alley incident. "And then third it was just... playful and it seemed normal."
You lift a shoulder in a small shrug, your tone trying to convey understanding to Quinn but she just tilts her head and looks at you. You can't tell if she understands, or if she's just taking in all this news about things she didn't really know were going on behind her back.
"And it just got easier and less scary as it carried on," you explain, swallowing thickly. "It got easier and I don't really know what happened, or where it changed," you look down to the table, but not at the table. It's just a spot to focus your gaze as your mind wanders off. "But we went from having hot, sweaty sex to cuddling on the couch and kissing just because. She even came to Miami with me and met my family, and we spent a weekend together." Quinn gasps lowly, her eyebrows lifting in surprise and hand pressing to her chest. "And we said we were friends with benefits and that neither of us had feelings for each other but..." You pause, wet your lips and shake your head again at yourself. "I don't know anymore. The last conversation we had about feelings or what we are was like... months ago."
Quinn's face falters, but she leans forward, her face soft and understanding, but at the same time expressionless. "And how do you feel about her?"
You take a moment, staring down at your coffee as you take in a deep breath. "I'm in love with her," you say with clarity.
It's the first time you've ever said it out loud, and you find it strange how right it feels. How there's such a lack of reaction in your body.
"But it doesn't matter," you add, quickly shaking your head, clenching your jaw and looking away. "It doesn't matter if she's going to go out with Carl, if we're going to fight, and if things aren't going to work out because I don't even know if she loves me back." The words make your heart ache, your chest tighten and you swallow thickly. "I know she had feelings for me once but... this time I think I'm too late," you whisper, because you're not really saying it to Quinn, you're saying it to yourself.
"When did she feel something for you?"
It's not quite what you were expecting, and you tilt your head up, your vision moving to Quinn; but you see that she's trying to figure this out, that she's trying to process what's going on and it kind of bugs you that she's using her lawyer skills on you because she's piecing together the situation before she replies, but you suppose it's a good way to handle it. You haven't got anywhere yourself by just staring at the information, almost like a cop would do, so you're going to let her do her thing.
"She told me that she liked me for like, a year before we first started... whatever this is," you wave your hand about the table, gesturing to nothing in particular. "But then she said she didn't anymore." You shrug and take a long sip of your coffee, ignoring the urge to wince at the bitter taste. This place needs to get some good coffee. "At the time I didn't feel anything for her, and I was a little shocked that my best friend had just told me she liked me and I didn't know, so I was confused and surprised."
Quinn nods along to your words like she understands and you lift your shoulders, your mouth hanging open in a perfect 'o' for a second as you find the next words.
"I didn't want to tell her that I liked her when I didn't and get her hopes up, so I just let it go and she proposed we stay friends and forget about it. I said that was a good ideas and we managed to forget and stay friends..." You duck your head, blowing out your cheeks as you exhale. "Until that reunion night." You gulp and avert your gaze. "And then we ended up hooking up and that's when things started changing, and now I'm here and I'm in love with her," you wave your hand out toward the exit to the cafeteria, your eyes following it as if she's standing right there, but she's not and you turn back, dropping your forehead against the table top and closing your eyes. "And I've fucked it up."
It comes out muffled against the fake wood, and you roll your forehead back and forth as you think about how much you could do with a few shots of vodka or a few glasses of scotch or something to make you feel a little better. You don't even think you could drink your way out of this situation, though.
"Okay, Lopez," Quinn speaks suddenly, reaching across the table to flick you on the top of the head. You jerk your head back, your face twisting into a scowl as your rub the sore spot, and you're about to ask why the hell she did that when she speaks first. "I'm going to lay this out for you..." she says and you prepare yourself, sitting up and matching her position of leaning her crossed arms on the table, her shoulders in and head forward. "You're a fucking idiot."
For the second time, you jerk back, but this time there's no physical sore spot to rub, just a shot of offense surging through your system.
"There's no way in hell if she liked you before, that when you two had sex, the feelings just disappeared," she lifts both eyebrows in a you know I'm right way and you try to argue but she cuts you off again. "If anything, they would've increased her feelings, and so you need to stop being so fucking dumb, you need to stop throwing a pity party for yourself, grow the fuck up and take some damn responsibility for once in your life."
Your eyes widen; you've never had Quinn talk to you like this before. Sure, you two have some weird friendship that involves straight talking and no holding back on anything, but this is taking it to a whole other level.
"Okay, you might have fucked up, but when do you not fuck up? That's just you, and we all—kind of—love you for it.," she shrugs and presses her lips together smugly. "We know how to deal with you because at the best of times, you're a complicated bitch, but Brittany knows that. Probably more than any of us—hell, she started liking you in spite of that. So please, climb the fuck out the angst pit you're dwelling in and do something about this." She leans back in her chair and folds her arms over her chest again, lifting a shoulder. "If you don't, you're only going to feel worse and there's only so much I can take before I kick your dumb ass."
To say you're a little thrown off by this turn of events would definitely be an understatement, and whereas you'd usually reach across the table and slap the crap out of her for being so damn rude to you, you don't immediately have that urge and instead feel the urge to defend yourself. You know you're difficult, and it's one thing to think it yourself but for someone else to say it is actually pretty hurtful.
So you attempt to defend yourself. "She's going out with Carl," you point out.
Quinn shrugs, her eyebrows lifting to her hairline and face saying the words before her mouth does. "So?"
"That's my point right there!" You half-screech, slamming your palm down as frustration burns through you. A doctor sitting at the table across from you shoots you a sharp look and you clear your throat, deciding to lower your voice as you lean across the table a little further. "If she didn't want to go out with him, she wouldn't. That kind of tells me she doesn't like me."
There's a moment of silence, a moment where you honestly think you've won, but then she cocks her head to the side and you realize this is just the beginning.
"Did she sleep with anyone else during the time you two were..." She waves her hand around above the table, ducking her chin to her chest as if to leave it up to interpretation, but when you stare blankly she elaborates. "During the time you two had this thing," she quickly changes the end of her sentence and you're glad. You feel like you'd get a little defensive if she just said you and Brittany were 'just fucking.'
You roll your eyes because you know the answer to this. You and Brittany had an entire conversation about it, and it's really not helping you fight your point. "I don't think so."
"And did you sleep with anyone else during that time?"
You don't mean to, but the second the question's in the air, you scoff, jerks your head back as if you're offended by the question. "Of course not," you get out, your face twisting with disbelief.
It's a second later, a second in which Quinn's face turns from inquisitive to knowing, a second where her face goes from being blank to holding a smirk, that you realize what you've just said and how you've said it. And you want to smack yourself in the face, you want to take it back but it's already out there and so you just let it go. It's not like you haven't told her that you're already falling, or fallen in love with Brittany.
"Then Santana," Quinn continues, reaching forward and grabbing your forearm to urge your eyes back to hers. "I suggest you stop her from going out with this guy."
So simple. It's so fucking simple for Quinn to just suggest that you should stop Brittany from going out with Carl, but there's so many things you've said, so many things you haven't said and shit, life just isn't that easy.
"This isn't a movie, Quinn," you hiss, but your tone's a little dampened, a little low, a little sad and you hate that. You just feel so raw. "I can't just run in and shout 'stop' or the date or something. I can't tell her to choose dump the old man and choose me because life doesn't work like that," you shake your head and lift your shoulders, dropping them heavily. "Things change, and I've already fucked up." You slump down in your chair, your bottom lip quivering and nostrils flaring as a shot of sadness spirals through you. "She might not forgive me."
"Oh, for fuck sake," Quinn huffs and shakes your arm where she's still holding it. "Stop being so fucking dramatic. I didn't mean for you to do that," she says and cocks a brow in your direction. "Just fucking tell her."
Your eyebrows scrunch together, eyes narrowing into slits. "Tell her what?" You spit, shaking your head. "That I like sleeping with her? That's not exactly the way to charm a girl," you deadpan.
Quinn doesn't even hesitate in reaching across and slapping you around the side of the head. "I mean tell her how you feel, you idiot," she growls when she settles down in her seat.
And it's when you don't even flinch, don;t even bother slapping her back like you usually would that you realize that this Brittany thing is really getting to you. Because you don't want to ruin it. You don't want to tell Brittany because you're scared if you say the words out loud, she'll do what you did to her and not be able to reciprocate the feelings. She might reject you, and you don't want to ruin what you have because it's better than not having anything at all. And you don't just mean the sex; you mean spending time with her and holding her and all of that sappy crap that comes with it. You don't want to lose your best friend because things will get weird if you tell her you're in love with her and she doesn't feel the same back.
Fuck. You don't know how after everything you're still unsure of her feelings for you.
"I can't," you croak out, fighting the tears suddenly present in your eyes. "What if I fuck it up again?"
"What if you don't?" Quinn fires back, her face a lot softer than a minute ago as she pulls her hand back. She stands from the chair, smoothing down the front of her pajamas and readjusts her hair, keeping the silence between you for a few seconds. "Look, Santana, you can keep asking yourself and doing a classic 'Santana' and hide your feelings and get frustrated at yourself, or you can stop being a dick and just go for it." She folds her hands in front of her and rounds the table, setting a hand on your shoulder and leaning down to you. "It's that simple."
And then she walks away, without another word and you're left thinking about everything she's just said.
/
You sit in the cafeteria for a good fifteen minutes, just thinking about what the hell's going on in your head before you force yourself to get up and head back to the waiting room.
But when you get there, Rachel's bouncing up and down and the group's crowding around her and you get closer enough to catch the end of what she's saying.
"...finally reached 10cm and now she's gone into the delivery room!"
Everyone beings grinning widely and you take a few seconds to catch up with it when you realize they're talking about how Tina's literally having her baby right now and then you're grinning too. All of you begin clapping, buzzing with excitement and somehow the problems that were flooding your mind get pushed to the back and you're focused on this. Quinn doesn't even give you a strange look, just comes over to you and begins asking you whether you think Mike's going to ask her to be the Godmother (even though she totally already knows he's going to) and Rachel comes up and begins chatting about how she wants the baby to take her name as its middle name, regardless of gender.
You just roll your eyes but continue smiling, waiting with the others for Mike to come out.
But you can't help but notice that Brittany doesn't look your way once.
/
An hour later, Mike comes into the waiting room and grins sleepily at all of you, his eyes beaming and smile bright. Everyone freezes, hands snapping to the arms of their chairs and simultaneously lean forward, waiting for the news. You can tell he's exhausted by the way he drags his feet as he walks, but you're too focused on just how damn happy he looks and you know it went smoothly and that he's now a dad.
"It's a boy," he chokes out, and this is the first time you've ever seen him cry.
He just looks so freaking excited and all at once, the group stands up and run to him, wrapping your arms around each other and tugging him into a massive hug. You're all laughing, some of you (namely Rachel and Kurt, the drama queens of the group) are crying with Mike, and you all congratulate him as you pull away. He takes a turn in talking to each of you, describing how beautiful his son is and you stand toward the back, watching all your friends coo and 'aww' over his description, but mostly you're focused on Brittany.
She's grasping Kurt's hands, jumping up and down with him with a wide grin and bright eyes, and you get this sudden rush of affection that sucker punches you in the gut and everything that Quinn said comes rushing back to you.
Because telling her how you feel is that simple.
You just need to say it, to announce that you've fallen madly in love with her and that's it. There's no 'what ifs' because life isn't always easy; things aren't going to be great from the start and you have to fight for what you want. You have to fight to keep things, you have to put effort into relationships if you want them to work but that's just how life is. Sometimes you and Brittany might argue, and might yell at each other, but what couples don't do that?
Nothing's ever perfect one hundred percent of the time, and it might be hard for you to tell her how you feel because you suck about talking about your feelings, but you've got to think about the outcome. If you tell her, then you're putting yourself out there sure, and risking the chance of heart-break, but you might get the response you're looking for and she might tell you that she loves you back. She might actually fucking love you back, and you can't think of anything better than that and even now your heart's fluttering and you're stomach flipping at the thought that she might feel the same way.
You jut have to tell her.
You want to call her your girlfriend and you want to fall asleep with her in your arms and you want to make her breakfast and all the other cliché crap that couples do.
You want all of it, and you want it with her.
And just like that, you've made up your mind and you're spinning around, zoning in on Quinn and grabbing her by the elbow, dragging her into the corner of the room, away from the crowd. Your mouth goes to open, to tell her exactly what you're thinking but when you meet her eyes, you find she's already smirking at you and you kind of want to slap yourself because she knew it was only a matter of time before you realized how stupid you were being for not telling Brittany. She knew, and she didn't force you, and you smile gratefully at her and chuckle at yourself because God, it seems everyone knows how you feel and what you're going to do before you do nowadays.
"When you gonna do it?" Is the first thing she says, whispering the question with an underlying tone of excitement tingeing her words.
But shit, you didn't think about that. You were too caught up in the excitement that you've decided you were going to do it that you didn't consider when you were. And you glance around, thinking about how you could totally do it now, but you don't want to steal Mike and Tina's thunder. They've just had a baby and this time is theirs to celebrate. You don't want to make it all about you because they deserve to have this moment. Hell, they're going to have to deal with spontaneous excretion and many sleepless nights so you can let them be happy for a while.
"I can't do it now," you murmur to your friend, eyes flitting back to her.
Quinn shifts, rolls her eyes and folds her arms over her chest, cocking her head to the side in annoyance. "Well when are you gonna do it?"
You chew on your lip, debating internally for a while before you end up shrugging. "I don't know."
Hazel eyes roam over your face, and you suddenly feel your body deflate because your excitements just shot down in an instant. You've just had the revelation that you want to tell her and you know you could now, but you're not a dick and you don't want to ruin Tina and Mike's thunder about baby Chang. You don't want to steal the limelight but that just means you're going to have to wait and God only knows the last time you did that, you thought it'd do no harm and somehow you ended up screwing things up almost irreparably with Brittany.
"What about tomorrow?"
You blink, a little confused. "What's happening tomorrow?"
Quinn spares a glance to the right to where the group stands, more specifically where Kurt and Rachel stand before returning her gaze and leaning in. "Rachel was saying something about going out for celebratory drinks tomorrow for the birth of the baby," she whispers, but you cut her off before she can continue.
"Tina and Mike won't be able to come," you point out because duh. That's the whole reason you're here in the freaking hospital in the first place. "They'll have a day old baby to deal with, Fabray and I hardly think Tina will be in the celebratory mood after pushing a watermelon out her vagina."
Quinn's eyes narrow with disbelief and she shakes her head. "What? No," she moves her hand about in the air between you, waving off your obvious statement. "Rachel was talking about celebrating whoever gets chosen as Godparents," she shrugs. "Obviously she knows Tina and Mike can't come; she doesn't have her head that far up her ass."
You laugh a little but then you process her words and your face drops. "You want to celebrate whoever is chosen as the Godparents?" She bobs her head in confirmation. "So you want to celebrate yourself?" You deadpan, because everyone knows that Tina and Mike are going to choose Quinn as the Godmother. She pretty much shotgunned that position when the pregnancy was first announced, or like, when she became best friends with Mike. Whatever.
"Well yeah, there's that, too," she admits with a smile. "But that's not the point," she waves you off again and you glance around, wondering why the hell you thought it was a good idea to plan with Quinn of all people. Rachel probably would've been better. Okay, maybe not. "We can use that as a cover and you can get Brittany alone and tell her."
It feels like you're in a James Bond movie or something, coming up with some elaborate plan and you want to roll your eyes, but you can't deny the buzz thrumming through your body because regardless of the situation, you're going to freaking tell Brittany that you're in love with her tomorrow. You're actually going to do it, and now all the excitement you felt when you glanced at Brittany and realized you just had to tell her comes rushing back, hitting you full force.
"Yeah," you breathe out, nodding to yourself as your vision shifts back to Quinn. "Tomorrow, I'll do it at the drinks."
Quinn's face lights up, happiness and joy spreading across her features and she even goes as far to clap like a fucking seal. But then she sees the arched brow and the look on your face and drops her expression, clearing her throat and casually leaning on the wall like she isn't at all interested that you're going to tell Brittany you're in love with her tomorrow. "Um, I mean, whatever," Quinn flips her hair a little. "You're doing the right thing. It'll be so romantic because then you can hold her hand in front of us and you know Britt," she shrugs and pinches her lips up at the side in a half-smile. "That'll make her day."
You grin, but manage to scoff out, "God, you sound like Berry."
"Shut up," Quinn bites back, playfully. A comparison to Rachel is pretty much the world's worst insult to you and Quinn. "So you're going to do it?"
Your body answers before your voice does and you nod. "Yep. I'm gonna do it."
"Okay," she continues and flits her vision to the right again. "I'll go talk to Rachel."
A hand snaps out and squeezes your bicep comfortingly, and you breathe in a deep, shaky, nervous breath at the prospect of what you're going to do tomorrow before Quinn skips off toward Kurt and Rachel. And you have total faith in her that she can make Rachel think it was her idea to go out for celebratory drinks so you don't have to worry about having to explain to Rachel your entire emotional and very physical journey with Brittany.
Still though, it's daunting. It's terrifying. It's scary.
Because you're going to tell Brittany tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
/
Half an hour after the announcement, Mike comes out and tells you that Tina all wants you inside the room to meet the new addition to the gang, who's still yet to be named. You all nod and head on in, ignoring the looks the nurses shoot you because you've all been warned that you're not technically allowed to go into the room in such a large group, but it's not like any of you really follow rules and instead ignore the nurses and do what you want.
Baby Chang weighs in at six pounds and eight ounces. He measures nineteen inches tall and he doesn't have any hair which creeps you out a little.
But you can totally tell he has Mike's nose and Tina's eyes already, and okay, maybe he's a little cute but you don't really like babies in general so Baby Chang's alright for a baby, you guess.
Everyone takes their turn in holding him, and Quinn, Kurt and Rachel all stare down at Baby Chang like he's the best thing they've ever seen and you roll your eyes a little because it's a baby, but whatever. But then you're taking a hold of him, awkwardly shifting him around because you don't know how to hold babies, and when you boop his nose and his tiny little hand curls around your pointer finger, you kind of sort of fall in love with him.
And it's at that same moment, when you gasp and smile down giddily at this tiny little baby that you feel a pair of unmistakable eyes on you and lift your vision to find Brittany gazing at you, her head tilted to the side, lips sucked into her mouth and eyes soft. Honestly, after everything that's happened since you've been at the hospital, it almost makes you choke up, but then she's glancing away and you look to Quinn who just mouths tomorrow to you and you calm down. Tomorrow everything will be okay. Although you're totally nervous now.
Too soon for your liking, Baby Chang's being taken from your arms and handed over to Brittany, and when you see her with him, something blossoms in your chest and even though its way too fucking early to even be thinking about this, a flurry of images of Brittany holding your baby shoots through your mind and warmth floods through you. You're smiling before you know it, and when Brittany bends her neck down and presses her lips carefully to Baby Chang's forehead, you see how fucking gentle and caring she is and somehow, you fall in love with her a little bit more.
Exactly like it happened with you, the moment she pulls back, her eyes are lifting and she's staring at you, your expression softening and your eyes meeting. Your breath hitches in your throat and you try to look away, but you find yourself routed, locked into position and so you just give in and stare, trying to convey your apologies like this.
But then there's a nurse coming into the room, clapping her hands and telling you all that it's time for Baby and Mother Chang's first feed and Brittany's dropping her eyes from yours and walking back to the side of the bed, lowering Baby Chang into Tina's arms. Mike thanks you all for coming, Tina does too distantly and a little sleepily as she's staring at her son—damn, that's weird to think—and has been up for like, a shit load of hours, and then Mike offers that you can all go home if you want too and you all shrug because yeah, you came here to meet Baby Chang and that's done so you're good.
So you walk as if you're heading out the hospital with Quinn by your side and Brittany, Kurt, Sam, Jake, Marley and Sugar in front when you remember you've left your coat in the waiting room so you run back, picking it up and shrugging it on before you meet Quinn again, but when you step outside the hospital, you realize that most of the group's already disappeared, or more importantly, Brittany's disappeared.
Your shoulders slump, disappointed that you won't be going home with her or even saying goodbye, but then Rachel's popping up beside you, her arm looping through yours and you snap your head around, a little confused about why she's touching you but not really giving a damn because as much as you pretend you dislike her, she's not that bad.
"So, Santana," she chirps and you're not sure how she's so bright and energetic considering you overheard her telling you that she didn't even get to sleep before she got the call which means she's been up for way over twenty-four hours. "Are you coming for drinks today?"
Excitement buzzes over your skin at the reminder of today, but then you begin panicking because you've said tomorrow when actually it's not. Damn it. Your internal clock is totally fucked up.
"Definitely," you blurt out but then Rachel side eyes you and you clear your throat, trying to remember to play it cool. "Erm, I mean—yeah, whatever. I'll be there," you add a little more casually.
Rachel beams a grin at you, Kurt too, and then Quinn finally comes outside, tugging the lapels of her jacket up you turn to her as she asks you if you want a lift home.
"Nah," you sigh and rock on to the balls of your feet, your eyes drifting off to the now blue sky. "I think I'll walk."
Truth is, you need a little breather, you need to get some air because it's suddenly hitting you that you're going to be doing something major tonight.
Something that will undoubtedly change your life.
With that thought in mind, you bury your hands in your pockets, offer a final smile at Quinn and head off down the street.
/
It's just casual drinks, but you spend like, an hour debating whether to go for a dress or whether to go for black jeans and your knee-high boots, maybe throw in a leather jacket as you know it makes your boobs look great, and in the end you do go for that, but not before emptying your wardrobe on to your bed and throwing items of clothing here, there and everywhere. It's going to be a bitch to clear up but you don't really care.
You need to look good so you're not fretting about your appearance whilst simultaneously crapping yourself about you know, the whole declaration of love thing.
Shit. You're so fucking nervous it's unreal.
Your hands are actually shaking, clammy too, and when you check in the mirror, you can tell you're at least three shades paler than you usually are. You're going to end up sweating your make-up off and make your hair frizz with the stress. Great.
And the worst part is, a thing you only thought about when you were getting ready, was that you don't even know what the outcome of Carl asking Brittany out was. You don't know if she actually said yes or if she was just challenging you to see if you'd go off to that Elaine chick, and so you're just hoping—like fingers, toes and everything else crossed type hoping—that she said no because you think that will work against you when you tell her.
You can only hope that she says it back, as well.
You can only hope.
/
Jake and Marley had to head back to Ohio for college, which means it's just you, Kurt, Sam, Rachel, Sugar and Brittany going out.
It's okay, because it takes some of the pressure of you having fewer people around, and Jake and Marley have always been a little quiet anyway so it's not really like you'll notice, but still, your point is there.
Anyway, when you head into the bar and slide into the booth, Quinn, Kurt and Rachel flanking you, you offer Sam, Brittany and Sugar nervous smiles and clasp your hands together beneath the table to try to stop your legs from jigging up and down. Brittany's sitting directly opposite you, and she doesn't even greet you verbally, just offers you a brief smile and you die a little inside. You know it's not the best start, especially considering what you're going to do, and it even freaks you out so much that you consider not going through with it.
But then someone gets the drinks in and you all get a little more comfortable, and twenty minutes later, someone's tapping the side of your thigh and you glance up to find Quinn eying you. You frown, not completely sure why she's staring but then she mouths, "Brittany," to you and you shift your gaze to find blue eyes locked on to you. You blush immediately, because it's the first time she's looking at you and not glancing away in a while and you've kind of been missing her so much that you're getting all hot under the collar at her freaking staring, but then you figure that if you're going to get the ball rolling, if you're going to tell her everything you feel, you need to start with a smile.
So you tug the corners of your lips up, offering half a smile that you hope she reciprocates, and it's a long, tense few seconds where she lifts her glass to her mouth, sucking on the straw and only offering a blank expression before she tilts her chin down and begins glancing at you through her long lashes. Your heart picks up its beat immediately, your palms getting a little less sweaty and hope rising, and you keep the eye contact, you hold it, wanting her to forgive you for being an ass, or least smile back at you because you'll just die if she doesn't, and finally, after you count thirty-seven seconds, she rolls her eyes and smiles bashfully into the sip she takes.
It manages to break the tension that's formed in your chest, the panic, the worry, the concern, and you giggle as you take a sip of your own drink because you know she's not that pissed at you anymore. She might still be a little pissed, and you still need to apologize, but you're taking baby steps and you've just successfully made the first one so you're getting somewhere.
Maybe you have the same effect on her, which makes her suck at being mad at you like you suck being mad at her.
Quinn nudges you beneath the table, a little too hard and you whip your head around to hiss at her but then she's widening her eyes, tilting her head to the side as Brittany chats away to Sugar and you know she's telling you to do it now; but you're still a little hesitant. You want to make sure she's actually talking to you, and you want to make sure there's a little conversation before you blurt out that you've fallen head over heels in love with her, so you click your tongue at Quinn and scoot out the booth, catching Brittany's eye as you shift around to the other side and sit beside her.
Silence stretches between you for a few beats of a heart, and you chew on your bottom lip as you twist your body toward her, your lips moving but no words coming out because you're not really sure how to approach this; but then you figure you need to just go for it and break the ice with a greeting. That's how you usually start a conversation and even though you're losing all verbal skills at the moment, you know you need to push past it. You're going to be saying a lot harder things soon enough so hello is the least of your worries.
"Hi," you croak, realizing how dry your throat is.
Brittany giggles a little, and she rolls her eyes, knowing that she sucks at being mad at you even though she has all reason to, but you just keep a cute smile on your face, hoping her resolve to be pissed will break completely. "Hi, San," she replies, her voice low.
Then you're grinning at her, beaming in fact, and you shift so your bodies are so close the electricity sizzles between you, your hand slowly creeping across the leather of the booth toward hers that she slowly moves, too.
And just like that, you know this is the moment.
Your breath catches in your throat, you feel the words bubbling up, curdling within you and when the tips of her fingers stroke over yours, and both of you gasp audibly, your eyes snap up, meeting those trusting blue eyes boring straight back into yours and you're presented with the overwhelming urge to kiss her, to tell her you love her. You're so overwhelmed with these feelings that you end up just gazing for a moment, taking in her features and memorizing them, and even though you're dying to kiss her, to press your lips against hers, you need to say this.
Shit. You're actually going to do this.
You suck in a deep breath, wetting your lips and you shift a little more, eyes dropping as you swallow loudly before you let your eyes meet hers, locking on to them. "Britt," you breathe out, your words shaky and uncertain, your hand quivering beneath hers. "I need to tell you something."
"Okay," she draws out, nodding in understanding and you can tell she's now a little curious and unsure of what you're going to say, but you don't want her to be unsure. You don't want her to be nervous because you're not going to tell her you slept with someone else, that you're dating Elaine; you're about to tell her that you want to make her yours. That you want to be her girlfriend, to kiss her goodnight and make her breakfast in the morning. Even if you have to learn how to cook, you want to do it.
But just as you get ready to say those three little words, her gaze drops from yours and she's looking down at her purse, trying to find the vibrations that you feel thrumming across the leather. Your face scrunches up in confusion, the moment pausing for a second and you almost blurt it out anyway, despite her phone ringing but then she's taking her hand out from beneath yours, reaching into her purse and retrieving her cell, frowning down at it.
"Can I get this?" She asks. "It's really important."
No.
"Erm," you make a noise to say you're thinking about it because on one hand, you don't want her to leave because you've got the courage to say how you feel, but on the other, she wouldn't ask to pick up this call unless it really was important, so you decide to just go with being the nice girl and nod. "Sure, Britt. Pick up."
You've waited this long, you reason, so you can totally wait a few minutes or so. It won't change anything.
Brittany offers you a grateful smile and squeezes your thigh before she slides out the booth, and when she disappears outside to where it's quiet, there's music booming overhead, you share a glance to Quinn who looks about two seconds away from fist bumping you because you're actually going to fucking tell Brittany, after so long of pretending like you're not in love with her; but you just send her a playful scowl, trying not to build this moment up for more than it is because things could still go wrong. She could still say she doesn't love you back, even though you're sure she does because there's a chance of rejection, and so you don't want to start grinning when you haven't come out with the words and heard them said back.
You'll save the celebration for when it's definite.
/
Five minutes later and you see a flash of blonde in the corner of your eye, turning with a grin on your face to see Brittany coming back up to the table.
But the second your eyes lock on to her profile, the grin disappears because you notice how pale she's gone. Your heart picks up it's beat, your hand tightening around your glass and you tilt your head to the side because she's still clutching her phone, staring down at it like she's not sure what it is, and you frown.
"Brittany!" Rachel drunkenly yells from behind you. "You're back! Now we can do shots!"
Brittany's always up for shots, in fact you remember that night when you two first hooked up and you did a body shot off her and fuck, that was hot, and so when you glance back at Brittany, expecting to find her happy, something cold drops in your stomach because she's still blank, and pale, and staring at her phone. Her face is twisted, her eyes narrowed and lips parted and there's the tell-tale crease in her brow that you know means something major just happened. The last time you saw that, you almost fucked things up between you and her so you know whatever she was just told on the phone is serious.
And it seems you're not the only one to notice the sudden tension in the atmosphere, and the expression on Brittany's face because Kurt scoots around the booth, sitting on the very edge and reaches his hand out, gingerly moving it toward Brittany until his fingertips touch her wrist and she jerks a little, her eyes moving about but not really focusing anywhere.
"Britt," he whispers, and shares a look with you because you're her best friend and you should know what to do, but for some reason you're stuck in your chair, frozen in your place.
There's a tugging in your gut, almost making you feel sick, that's saying something bad's about to happen.
"Britt, honey," Kurt starts again, this time wrapping his fingers around her wrist and urging her forward until she's standing at the head of the table, everyone's eyes now on her. "Are you okay?"
Brittany snaps herself out of her stupor, clearing her throat and when her eyes move around this time, they meet yours and linger for a beat too long. It's just a split second longer than when she glances at Kurt, then Sugar, then Quinn, Sam and Rachel, but it's a beat that you don't like because for that tiny bit longer, you managed to see the confliction present behind her blue eyes. You saw it and you don't know what it is but you think she held your gaze for a beat too long because she was trying to tell you something.
Fuck.
"I... I just got a call from my—my professor," she stutters, her vision going back to her phone, fingers turning white as they grip at it. "And, um... a few months ago, there was an offer to be put up for a paid internship," she picks up her sentence, a little clearer vocally but physically, you can tell she's still lost and zoned out. "A paid internship at a publishing company, and at first I wasn't—I wasn't going to go up for it," she shifts her weight on to her other leg to pause her sentence and you get this intense urge to reach forward and just shake the rest of her sentence out of her; but then she's continuing. "But then my mom convinced me to do it... because there were so many candidates that I—I probably wouldn't get chosen."
Everyone shifts around you, hanging on the edge of their seats and you see the beginnings of smiles and excitement because so far, the news isn't bad — it's good because you think that she might have got this internship even though she hasn't said it — but then you see the way she gulps and begins looking all over the table, at all the faces staring back but makes a point not to meet yours and there's that tugging again in your stomach, pulling harder and harder until you want to choke a little.
But you don't, and instead choose to listen. You can't be jumping to conclusions.
"And that call was to say that I got it," she adds on and your entire body floods with relief because shit, you thought it was serious. Everyone breaks out into a grin, and you hear Kurt 'woop'ing behind you and you see Sugar pump her fist into the air and you almost celebrate yourself, standing up and kissing her right there to tell her you love her instead of words, but then you get another good look at her face and you're back to stone cold. Back to staring blankly, the smile decreasing on your lips because she doesn't look half as excited as everyone else, and when she looks to you, your heart leaps into your throat and your pulse roars in your ears because you know there's something more.
Something that's causing the paleness, the worry, the apology shining through her blue eyes.
Something you already know you're going to hate.
"But that's not all of it," she calls out, breaking down the ruckus of everyone celebrating, and they immediately calm down, silence overcoming the table until you're sure you can hear everyone's hearts pounding against their ribcage as they're just as nervous to hear the news that you are.
But then Brittany's taking in a deep breath, and you see her lower lip quiver and you crave to reach out and comfort her, to wrap your arms around her and tell her everything will be okay because you'd go to the end of the Earth to make sure she was okay. But she's lifting her chin, her eyes filling with tears and then she's saying the sentence that brings your world crumbling down around you, drains the blood from your face and changes your life, your plans, because you know with the announcement she makes, that things will never been the same again.
"It's in London," she whispers, her voice breaking as her eyes find yours and her body shifts, nervously. "I'm... I'm moving to London."
/
I literally rewrote this cliffhanger like seven times, and I'm still not happy with it but I'm so tired I'm about to pass out and so if you don't like it, deal with it by yourself. Also, I haven't read through this because I'm knackered so any mistakes/errors are my own, but just skip over them and I'll fix them tomorrow after work.
Anyway, thank you so much, you are awesome as always, and feel free to leave a review if you think this chapter was worthy. Love you guys!