A good morning, afternoon or evening to you all! :) Once again, I'm greatly humbled by your reviews and follows/favourites, and am extremely thankful that you've taken the time to read this story! I apologise for the slight delay, but I've been getting ready for another year at university… But for now, on with the chapter! :)
After an hour of restless sleep while wrapped around Jane's body, Maura had finally given up on getting even a brief respite from the thoughts that plagued her; instead, she had decided to try losing herself in the distraction of cleaning the dirty, old apartment in which Jane had been living, and which they now would be occupying together until her best friend was ready to return a few hours the doctor's mind had been focused on disposing of the bottles upon bottles of alcohol (mainly whiskey), cigarette boxes and butts and the few takeout containers that littered every surface of the combination TV room and kitchen; she then used a dust pan and wet cloth to render this living space relatively liveable, although its overall ragged condition precluded any true hygiene or comfort. Next, she had attacked the bedroom and bathroom. These were slightly cleaner, as Jane must have spent most of her time on the sofa in the other room, where she could have quick access to the various liquids housed in the kitchen. The mattress was uneven and stained with things Maura would rather not think about and the carpet was threadbare; there was only so much anyone could do to clean up without having to resort to a stick of dynamite and many gallons of bleach.
The tired ME felt somewhat proud of her accomplishments when the sun finally peeked through the tiny window set above the sink in the kitchen. She finally flopped down onto the single bar-style chair by the counter, and surveyed the small apartment and how different it looked now that some of its surfaces were actually visible – it was just shy of needing to be closed down by the Department of Health for various blatant violations. Maura, however, was prepared to live anywhere so long as Jane was there; there was nothing that could separate them now. A soft whimpering had started, coming from a still-sleeping but now agitated and sweaty Jane, and the detective seemed to be trying to shield her face from an invisible attacker. The sounds began to increase in volume and become coherent: "No...Please no…Not again…Just leave me alone!". Fatigue forgotten and heart clenching in anguish, Maura jumped from her seat and knelt by her friend's side, unsure how to go about offering comfort. She was hesitant to touch the brunette for fear of worsening the nightmare by introducing a tactile element to the horror she was obviously reliving. In the past, physical closeness had been the preferred and most effective response to the problems they faced in everyday life and the workplace; now, though, Maura had no idea how she could awaken Jane without causing her to panic and become confused – maybe even lashing out. The doctor settled for quietly murmured words of comfort whispered into the detective's ear, as she tried to coax the thrashing woman into wakefulness. It seems the alcohol that had helped her to sleep had eventually worn off, leaving Jane's mind vulnerable to terrifying images of her ordeal. Maura felt helpless.
Finally, Jane's eyelids began to flicker, heralding her return to the land of awareness… And memories. Her soft pleas started to fade, replaced with the moaning of one with an intense hangover after too little rest. Maura placed her hand unobtrusively next to Jane's head, not quite touching, so that it would be the first thing the detective would see when her eyes opened. Within a few moments Maura was blessed with the sight of her love's brown irises, the whites of her eyes bloodshot and bleary; it took another few seconds before the brunette was able to focus on the appendage that had been placed next to her. The doctor held her breath as Jane's gaze traced her arm upwards and to her face, settling as they met Maura's hazel eyes. "Good morning, Jane," the ME spoke softly, a small smile gracing her worried features. Jane remained silent, an indeterminable expression on her face. Maura's smile became a little more strained, and she continued in an attempt to fill the uncomfortable silence: "You were having a nightmare so I attempted to wake you up. Did you know that the word 'nightmare' literally means—"
"I don't really care, Maura. I've been having enough of them that I'd say we're pretty well acquainted and past the need for names," Jane said with a snarky tone dripping with sarcasm. Maura was shocked into silence, tears welling up at her friend's interruption and rebuke… Jane always loved my 'Encyclopaedia mouth', Maura thought to herself sadly; she remained where she was on the ground, waiting for Jane to make a move. The detective pushed herself to her feet unsteadily and tottered towards the kitchen; she opened the cupboard and then the fridge in search of some sustenance, but promptly slammed them both shut when she encountered their emptiness. Empty like me; huh, take that for a metaphor, Maura! She spun around quickly to face her unwanted visitor, consequently losing her balance; the doctor had followed the unsteady woman closely, determined to confront her, and so her arms shot out when the brunette looked about to fall over. She left her hands snugly around Jane's upper arms, even when Jane attempted to shake them off. "I put 2 Advil and some water on the counter for you," Maura stated without any judgement, using her chin to indicate the pain relievers. This time when the detective tried to remove herself from the doctor's grasp she was promptly let go, and she turned around more slowly; she gulped the pills and water greedily, wetting her chin and sweatshirt in her haste. "Why are you here, Maura?" she had asked this very same question the previous night, but was so far gone within her panic-induced and alcoholic daze that none of that information had been retained; now, when her mind was relatively put together, she wanted answers.
Facing the doctor while leaning against the countertop, she waited for the uncomfortable ME to respond. Maura took a deep, slow breath and spoke: "I came to help you, Jane, and because I care about you. I returned to Boston just over a week ago, and Frost—"
"A week ago? You apparently care SO much about me, but you only decided to show up at home a WEEK ago? Bullshit, Maura! If you had cared, you wouldn't have left! But you chose Paddy Doyle over me! Did Daddy send you pictures of me being tortured while you were on holiday? Did you enjoy watching me in pain while you were sitting god-knows-where catching a tan?" Jane said this last part in reference to the healthy golden-brown colour that the doctor's skin had become after spending 3 months away from Boston.
Maura could no longer hold back the tears and so she let them stream – unhindered and silent – down her cheeks; she worked to keep her voice steady and open as she tried to explain herself to the person she had so badly hurt. "I didn't choose him, Jane! Please, if we've ever been friends, please believe me when I say that I will always choose you! I can't lie… But I'm also not good at dealing with family matters. When you shot him, and I know that you were doing your job and that the shooting was completely in-the-book ('by-the-book', Jane corrected silently), I felt that I had lost the last chance to find out about my biological mother. I had spent most of my life dreaming of meeting her and being loved, finally being a daughter that was wanted, and the loss of my last known link to her was too much for my socially limited self to handle… And so I lashed out at you, Jane, and you didn't deserve that. Before I met you and was accepted into your family, I was always alone… I got used to dealing with everything by myself; you changed that in me. But at the first sign of stress I regressed, and I became that lonely, isolated person I was. I left so that I could sort everything out in my head… It wasn't my intention to leave you! I'm so sorry!"
"Where were you, Maura?" Jane had begun to have a niggling suspicion that she wouldn't like the answer to this question that Maura had managed to dodge; she wouldn't get away that easily, however.
"I re-joined Medicins Sans Frontiers – Doctors Without Borders… They sent me to Africa; in the region of Ethiopia and Sudan to be more specific. I helped at a small clinic for refugees and—"
"Was Ian there?"
Maura had dreaded this question which she knew was coming, even though nothing had happened between her and the Australian doctor; Jane wouldn't take the answer well, even if the ME explained, especially with the fragile state of mind she was currently in. "He was, yes. But nothing—"
"So while I was here, drinking myself to sleep every night and working myself to death for the first month, and then being tortured for 2 weeks and in the hospital for another 4, you were in Africa FUCKING Ian – the love of your life? That's unbelievable! I can't believe that—"
"NOTHING happened, Jane! And you would know that if you would just listen!" Maura's tone was loud and forceful, driven more by self-hatred and the need to get the truth across than anything else. She put her hand up to silence Jane, who had opened her mouth with the blonde's outburst. Maura spoke more calmly again: "Please just listen, Jane. You have enough to worry about without having this too. I went to Africa with the sole purpose of helping people in need; I signed a contract for 3 months, but stayed a few extra days to complete the vaccination schedule for the children of a small village. I had absolutely no intention of seeking Ian out and was surprised when he arrived at the clinic 1 and a half months into my service period. I was courteous, as I am with all – most of – my colleagues (definitely not Dr Pike; she added the parenthesis with him in mind), but made no overtures of rekindling our previous relationship. He pursued me, thinking that I was merely playing hard to have, but I turned him down at every opportunity. He was, and will always remain, a complication that I don't need in my life. One of my other colleagues eventually knocked him up to get him to leave me alone! I love you, Jane, and I wish I had at least contacted you after my departure… I'll forever live with the knowledge that I, and my father, am the cause of your pain and suffering. We will both pay for what we did, I can promise you that!" The last part was said quietly, self-deprecatingly, and the doctor lowered her teary, blotched face to gaze at her feet.
Jane stood in silent contemplation of the woman before her, observing the genuine regret, hatred and bone-deep sadness painting her beautiful, but mottled, features. The detective was calmer and more put together than she had been in a long time, and she attributed that to Maura's presence: she had always had that effect. Jane spent a few moments thinking over what she had heard, going over the doctor's sincere words; after 3 months of extreme anger, disappointment and the feeling of betrayal, she was beginning to see through her best friend's eyes… And she was beginning to forgive her, although doubt still had a small residence within her. Jane took a step towards Maura, and covered the smaller hands with her own. "Your colleague knocked him out, Maura, not up," the brunette corrected with a tiny smile on a face whose muscles hadn't made such a movement in some time. "I still don't really understand why you had to leave, and why you did so without even a word to me… I'm still kinda hurt, actually, even though I'm starting to see what was going through your mind at the time. I desperately need help, Maura, and I'm glad that you arrived before I could no longer see what I need… I'm slipping, and I thought for sure that it would be too late for anyone to help me up. I also loved – love – you, but I just can't deal with it right now; I can't even deal with anything as it is. Just know that I don't blame you for what your fa-Paddy Doyle did, even though he said he was doing it for you."
Maura scrunched her eyes tightly at the forgiveness she felt she didn't deserve, and turned her palms upwards to clench tightly at the larger hands of her best friend and love of her life. Opening her eyes, she looked deeply into Jane's, willing her to see the gratitude, love, and absolute devotion that the doctor felt; she also let her see the determination to capture, and the hatred that she felt for, Doyle. Overlying all of this was the desire to help Jane in any way possible – to help her rebuild the person she once was into a person who was even stronger for her experiences. She would do everything in her power to save the woman before her and, if it proved impossible, she would go down, too, with this woman. The ME looked down at Jane's hands, and immediately the lessons that she had learned in medical school came rushing back to her. "Your nails are all infected, Jane," the doctor said with concern. She inspected them closer, seeing pus-filled and bloody cuticles surrounding nails that were soft and slightly dimpled in the centre. "And it appears that you have iron-deficiency anaemia," she said in reference to the nails' uneven surface.
"They're still growing back… And I bite them sometimes… Until they bleed." Maura could see that Jane was uncomfortable, and Jane was fighting hard to keep from reliving the painful removal of her nails. She started to breathe faster and her vision became dark at the edges; she was starting to panic, and she hadn't found a way to halt the attack before it took over in earnest. "Jane, look at me," Maura said with a strong voice as she tilted the detective's chin upwards, "just look into my eyes and focus on my voice. Try to slow down your breathing and breath deeply through your nose and out of your mouth. Don't be embarrassed that this is happening; your experiencing of flashbacks are just evidence that you were strong enough to survive the initial trauma. Let yourself relax and take in your surroundings here and now." Jane's eyes latched on desperately to Maura's, and her ears strained to listen beyond the sounds of static and thumping to the soothing voice floating towards her. She let the words surround and cocoon her, and eventually they began making sense in her jumbled brain; she followed the doctor's advice and, soon, her vision had fully returned and the anxiety that had overwhelmed her was now manageable, but still present. "That's good, honey; I'm very proud of you." Jane nodded slowly, their gazes still locked as comfort was given and taken by both parties. "We need to go to the store for medicines and some food. How does that sound? Do you think you're up for it?"
"Yeah, yeah, I think I can do that. It's just… it's been some time."
"We'll take it slowly, Jane, and I'll be with you at all times. I wouldn't have even made the suggestion if it wasn't absolutely necessary to get the medicines needed to treat your hands and the slight fever that you seem to have."
Jane walked determinedly to the door and swung it open, gesturing for Maura to precede her; the doctor stopped briefly at the threshold and said, "If at any time you feel uncomfortable, we will come back here immediately. You don't need to hide anything from me, Jane. It won't make you seem like anything but the strong woman I know and love."
...
The nearest shop and pharmacy was a 10-minute walk from the apartment building, and the two traversed that distance while remaining as close together as possible. Jane's head was in constant motion as she whipped around to look at her surroundings, awaiting an attack at any moment; she was tense, and she had begun sweating although the weather was cool and they had not exerted themselves overmuch. "Everyone's staring at my scar, Maura," she said desperately, reaching to grab the doctor's hand, which squeezed hers. They had barely walked 2 minutes when the detective started to feel paranoid and jumpy, and those feelings were now threatening to drown her. "I need to go back; I need to get away from here."
There was nothing Maura could say, no comfort she could offer at this point, that would help to alleviate what Jane was feeling. Social phobia was a common accompaniment of PTSD, and it wasn't something that could be overcome simply by telling the person to suck it up. She clasped Jane's hand tightly, using this connection to keep her friend at least slightly grounded; she turned them around slowly, and they began to walk in the direction from whence they came. "Just a little further, sweety, and we'll be back at the apartment; just hold my hand and hang in there." When the dilapidated building came into view, Jane sped up her pace and pulled the doctor along; by the time they reached the stairwell, they were in nearly a full-out sprint as they climbed to the 4th floor. Maura eased the key from Jane's trembling fist and unlocked the heavy door; the detective lunged inside and collapsed onto the lumpy couch. She put her head into her hands and began sobbing: "I can't even go outside! I can't even do that, Maura! I'm not STRONG! He b-broke me, and now I'm a useless, weak idiot who can't take a few steps in public without everyone judging me…"
Maura strode to Jane's side and knelt in front of her tear-stained knees; grabbing both of the brunette's hands and tugging them away from her face, she said fiercely, "Don't EVER call yourself useless, Jane! You are my LIFE, and you are the strongest person I have ever met! I shouldn't have made you go outside; your recovery can't be rushed… Someday soon, though, we'll face the world together, and everyone will look at your scar and see a survivor – they'll be awed by the strength they see!" Jane's crying slowed down and she looked at the kneeling woman as if to ask 'do you really think so?' In response, Maura simply tightened her grip and gaze a tiny but resolute nod.
"Go to the store, Maur; I'll wait here for you," Jane said after her tears had stopped completely and she felt a small measure of control and calmness returning, "I'll be fine." The ME hesitated briefly but didn't argue, unwilling to go against what Jane obviously wanted.
"Do you promise you won't do anything, Jane?" she asked intently, needing a final prompt before she left.
"I promise."
Maura stood up, placing a soft kiss on the detective's forehead, and made her way out of the apartment. Jane sat on the couch alone. When a few minutes had passed, and the shaken woman was sure the ME wasn't still hanging around, she got up and walked to the kitchen; there, she opened the cabinet under the sink, where she had placed a few bottled of cheap scotch. With no further thought, as that was too painful, she pulled one out and unscrewed the cap. She took a big gulp and, sitting on the couch once again, decided that the alcohol would keep her company until the doctor returned.
This is the longest chapter, although it's only slightly so… We're now fully in the process of recovery. Also, the issue of Maura's departure has been mostly dealt with and now we can focus on the recounting of what Jane went through; the flashbacks in previous chapters gave Jane's POV, and now we can get into Maura's reactions and emotions. This shouldn't take too long, and then we can get on with bringing Doyle down! Unfortunately, though, the time between updates may be longer… I start my second last year at medical school on Monday, and the schedule looks beyond hectic! :( This story will not be forgotten, though, and I will make every effort to find time to write and post. You readers are too valuable to let down, even though it may feel like I've pushed this story aside… I definitely will not! Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter! :)