Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all.

Rated M for several reasons.

Chpt 13 That Didn't Go Well

BPOV

Chores and essay complete Char orchestrates my outfit, jeans and a t-shirt, the artful tousling of my hair and the application of some clear lip gloss.

This is a beauty regime I can buy into even though I stopped wearing these particular clothes a while ago because I thought they were getting too tight.

When I voice this opinion she shoves a cold finger down the front of my jeans and wiggles it about.

"There's plenty of room in here." She decides. "They actually fit you. Most of the stuff you wear is two sizes too big. You have a good figure. Free glamour lesson one. You neither need to hide it nor flaunt it, there is a subtle third way."

I turn slowly in front of the mirror. I don't look like a hussy, therefore maybe I decline to feel like one.

"I'd better go." She announces. "Your man is coming. Are you ready for this?"

I shake my head.

"Talk to him." She advises. "Be honest about how you feel. If what he did hurt you, you're entitled to say so and you shouldn't bury it, it's not healthy."

I nod, suddenly nervous.

With a smile she pats me on the head and disappears down the stairs at vampire speed.

Two seconds later there is a knock at the door.

My beautiful Edward. With flowers.

Smiling I take them and lead the way into the kitchen, he hovers while I put them in water.

"Have you eaten?" He asks.

"Yes. I had something earlier."

He nods.

"Bella . . . ."

"Edward . . . ."

We laugh and the awkwardness dissipates slightly.

"Let's sit down." I suggest leading him through and settling on the couch.

He hovers indecisively for a moment and then lowers himself into Charlie's chair.

I bite back a sigh. There doesn't seem to be a magic wand that puts everything back to normal.

"Alice says you guys have enrolled in school again. Does that mean you're staying?"

"Yes." He nods. "We'll never leave you again Bella. Alice and I start back tomorrow, the others are too old of course. I even managed to get back into the same classes as you."

"So what happens now?"

"Can you forgive me for lying to you and leaving you?"

"I understand why you did it. I don't agree with it, but I understand. You have to promise never to do that again though, no matter how deeply you feel it's the right thing to do. We have to be able to talk things through, together, and decide together." I take a deep breath, Char's words ringing in my head. "You really hurt me Edward, I didn't deserve that, you should have at least told me the truth."

He shifts uncomfortably.

"I was trying to protect you." He explains.

"By hurting me? Making me think you'd lied to me the whole time and never really loved me and then taking away my best friend and your family. All of whom I cared about too?"

"I didn't think it through very well." He admits quietly. "I knew it would hurt you but I thought you would forget me and heal quickly."

A very Rosalie like snort escapes me and I fight back the sudden urge to giggle.

"You had a lot of thoughts about me, us it seems, most of which it never occurred to you to share." I point out quietly.

"I'm so sorry." He murmurs, wringing his hands together.

"You can't ever do that to me again Edward. I love you. It nearly killed me."

His face twists in pain and I instantly regret being so blunt as my heart lurches in response.

"Please, don't, don't be sad. You're here now. We have another chance, a chance to do better."

"I will." He vows. "I will do better. I never want to feel the way I felt when I was away from you again. I was so hollow. I can't, I won't live without you."

Please, the little voice in my head begs, hold me. Tell me everything will be okay.

"What happens now?" He asks tentatively.

"I don't know." I laugh a little. "I'm new to all this. I guess maybe we're supposed to agree to start again, be more honest with each other."

"Fine." He says with a sudden radiant smile. "Would you like to come and see a movie with me tonight in Port Angeles?"

"I'd love to." I groan. "But I've already arranged to go over to Angela's and get my assignments from today."

"Oh." For a moment he looks crestfallen and then he smiles. "Want me to come with you?"

"Um, I'm not sure. We need to find a way to explain why you're all back. It might be too soon."

He nods thoughtfully.

"Then how about tomorrow night?"

"I'd love to." I can't help the big soppy grin that breaks out on my face.

Ask me if you can stay tonight, my little voice begs.

Instead he asks when Charlie is due back.

"I don't know." I reply. "Pete's cover story worked so well it sounds like he might be up there for a couple of weeks, not that there will be any more deaths."

Edward smiles and a familiar warmth spreads through my body. I really am just a horny teenager.

Ask me if you can stay tonight, my little voice begs.

But my romantic hero has already moved onto other things.

"Have you been applying to college?" He asks.

"A few." I shrug. "The ones I can afford."

"You know money isn't a problem, we could go together."

"Money is a problem for me Edward, if you want to attend the same college you're going to have to lower your sights."

"I want you to enjoy every human experience Bella. I don't mind where we go as long as you are happy, but it really wouldn't be a problem for us to help with your tuition."

"Every human experience?" I ask before my brain can stop me.

"Bella." He squirms in his chair. "I can't, you know I can't."

"Do you want to?" I surprise myself by asking.

"Yes. Of course yes."

"Other vampires do." I say quietly, flushing with embarrassment and focussing on my knees.

I can tell from his heavy sigh that he's probably pinching his nose but I daren't look up.

"I'm not a monster." He whispers. "It's too dangerous."

I ponder that for a moment. Rosalie never went into detail on vampire human encounters, maybe there's a logical conclusion there I haven't thought about.

No matter, I don't want to live out my life with only guarded physical affection. This is important to me and I can only see one way around it.

"If we're going to be together then I should be a vampire."

"No. Never."

I risk a glance at his face, that stubborn look I know so well is back, marring his beautiful face.

I study my hands in silence.

My mutinous streak wants to put a stick in the sand right there. No vampire Bella, no relationship, it can never be equal and it can never work. But scaredy Bella, who loves him with her whole heart, is terrified that those words will cause him to leave once and for all.

Impasse.

"Why not?" I ask eventually, without looking up.

"It's wrong." He replies his voice drenched in pain. "It's wrong for me to take away your soul so that I can keep you for ever."

"I don't believe in souls."

"I do."

"So that's it? We'll go with what you believe and what I think doesn't matter?"

"Bella, it isn't like that. I love you."

"So much so you're going to let me die rather than keep me with you forever?"

"Bella, you don't understand." He protests. "When you die I'll be right behind you, I don't want to live in a world without you."

In my head the tiny voice demands to know if he realises how sick and twisted that is.

I take a deep breath but I don't look up, I can't afford to be dazzled by love and beauty at this point.

"What you are basically saying is that you love me so much you're going to sentence us both to certain death?"

"No!"

"What then?"

I feel the couch dip as he sits next to me. Gently he takes my chin and forces my head up to look at him.

Involuntarily I gasp. With the afternoon sunlight streaming in and glittering on his skin he's like some sort of god. Achingly beautiful.

"We can be happy." He whispers. "We can have a long, happy life together."

He leans down and our lips touch, immediately picking up a rhythm of their own, dancing across each other and sending sparks shooting through my body. It feels so right. Without thinking I raise my hands tangling them in his fluid bronze locks. He sighs and I open my mouth automatically to inhale his breath, my tongue darting out to lick at his lip.

Abruptly he stiffens and moves me away from him slightly.

Sorrow wells up inside me, choking the air from my lungs and I close my eyes tightly.

"Bella?" He questions softly. "What's the matter?"

"I need you to leave." I wheeze out as tears threaten.

"What?"

"Please, Ed-Edward. I need you to go, I want to be alone, I need to think."

"Bella, I won't leave you when you're upset." He objects.

I open my eyes and stare at him as desperation engulfs me. I need him out of here, now, before I breakdown. This is mine to have and I want to do it alone, I deserve it.

"Please." I beg. "Leave, I'll call you later."

Catching him by surprise I manage to pull out his embrace and stand.

"Bella, I can't . . . ."

"Just go!" I practically scream through the heaving sobs building inside me.

Out. Out. Out. My inner voice screams. You're breaking my heart. Leave me alone!

Confused and hurt he finally retreats to the door.

"Perhaps I should get Alice to come over?" He offers, pausing with his hand on the knob.

"No!"

With a small nod he lets himself out and closes the door.

Balling my fists I take a very deep breath and bolt the door behind him.

"Pete." I say out loud. "I know you're listening, please, make sure he goes."

I remain there breathing deliberately as a scuffle breaks out and then retreats into the distance.

He's never going to change me. He's never going to make love to me. We're never going to enjoy the easy physical closeness I so envy Rose and Char for with their devoted mates. We're going to be two semi-eternal teenagers, kissing chastely and always hovering tantalisingly on the edge of what I really want for myself.

Pain rips through me, threatening to tear me in two, whatever happens now I am never going to be truly happy.

With a sob I collapse to the floor, curling into a tight ball as the misery carries me away.