Kate got into bed – now she was alone, she was realising how tired she was. She was asleep in a few minutes.

And then Rick was there, in the bed with her. He was stroking her hair, holding her close. She knew it was a dream – and she was waiting for something awful to happen – she was so used to this by now that she was almost resigned to it.

"Nothing's going to happen," Rick whispered in her ear. And she believed him. She relaxed against him, and he held her tighter.

When a slightly panicked Lanie woke her up 4 hours later because she had 20 minutes before they were going to class, she was still dreaming that Rick was holding her. She gasped as she sat up in bed. For the first time in 6 months, she hadn't dreamt about death. Surely that meant something good.

Or something bad, muttered the voice in her head that never left her alone. What if he's making you forget, making you not care – that's wrong. It should be at the front of your mind, every minute, because you have to find the truth. Are you so selfish that you don't care about her any more because of a guy you've known for five minutes? You'll let it go – you don't really care about fighting for justice. You're just shallow, like you always were.

Kate didn't know how to answer herself. She got dressed and brushed her teeth, gulping down the coffee Lanie handed her and hurrying out of the door. She tried to think about the forensics class they were going to – she wanted something to concentrate on. Because otherwise she would have to decide whether to smile because she thought she might be in love, or cry because what she was doing wasn't true to her mother.

When she arrived home that evening, Rick had left a message on her machine, saying she should call him when she got home. Nothing could stop her heart fluttering when she heard his voice, and her stupid head could go fuck itself, she was going to call him.

He answered on the second ring.

"Kate – hey, how are you?"

She could hear the smile in his voice, and smiled back. "I'm good thanks. I was thinking about you. How are you?"

"Yeah, I'm great – I was thinking about you too. You want to go out tonight? We could catch a movie or something."

"Yeah – I'd like that. What's playing?"

"I don't know. Probably documentaries. What do you like seeing?"

Kate thought about it. "I've always had a bit of a thing for those disney cartoons. But I don't think there's anything like that on right now."

"I have Beauty and the Beast on tape. And the little mermaid. And Bambi I think...and Snow White."

"Seriously? You like them too?"

"I think like is an understatement. I guess... I mean, it's a bit forward, but you could come over here and we could watch one. Technically that's still a step down – after all, you've already slept over."

Kate laughed, and after a bit, agreed. They arranged when to meet – she would just get ready and go straight over. She wondered what to wear. Something comfy – sitting in front of a movie in tight jeans and a tight, low cut top might look sexy, but it was also seriously uncomfortable. She chose her old jeans, that were soft and worn, her chucks, and a long sleeved wool sweater. She put on her puffy down jacket as well, and a long red scarf – it was cold outside.

She decided to walk – she liked the streets in winter. All the people scurrying along, getting from A to B. Her mother had always said life was about the journey – which sounded like those car commercials, but it was still true. You were much happier if you enjoyed getting to places – Kate liked watching people, wondering what made them tick. Her mother had been full of good advice – pity she hadn't had any about what to do when your world was torn apart, and the only person who could have helped you through it was the one who had been ripped away.

She began to feel guilty again, that she was going to see Rick. But she was so tired – and he was helping her. And he wanted to. She arrived at his apartment, smiling because she was so determined to enjoy herself, rather than because she actually was. If Rick saw the forced nature of her expression, he didn't mention it, and they settled down to watch a movie – he had a really modern VHS recorder/player thing, and a TV with a massive screen. Kate ate her Chinese food, and watched the movie, crying in the right places, maybe a little too hard. She snuggled into Rick, and he had his arm around her, but he knew something was wrong. She was still seriously tense. He decided to give her time to relax, and not ask her – maybe she just needed a little while to feel calm. But at the end of the movie she still seemed anxious and stressed, and he had to say something.

"Katie, what's wrong?"

Kate wiped the tears from her cheeks, hoping Rick thought they were just in reaction to the movie.

"I don't know. I'm just so happy with you..."

"Well you could've fooled me!"

"It's complicated, Rick. I feel guilty. I don't know if... I don't deserve you. And I don't deserve to be happy. I'm selfish, I treat people badly, and right now I should be out finding the truth, not curled up on a couch with some famous writer guy because it makes me feel better about something I have no right to feel better about."

Rick looked at her, and couldn't help be angry. Not with her – but with the world, that it had done this to her.

"Of course you deserve to be happy," he said gently, sliding off the couch and kneeling in front of her. He put his hands on her shoulders. "Usually, you're absolutely great company. You make me feel... I can't describe it. I have never felt this way about anyone before – if anyone is undeserving, it's me. And if being with me makes you feel good – well, I can only suggest we hang out a lot more."

Kate looked into his honest eyes, and felt the warmth of his hands on her shoulders. And something inside her gave in, and she flew forward, kissing him, her desire, her desperation, her confusion all building together into some kind of explosive energy which completely bowled him over. Soon she was on the floor with him, fumbling with the buttons of his shirt, and when it was off, running her hands over his chest, still kissing him like her life depended on it. She had been wearing her scarf, and it slid off onto the floor. She saw it, a pool of red, and suddenly she snapped back. Rick looked at her in surprise – had he imagined the last five minutes?

Kate stood up, and awkwardly, Rick stood as well.

"What's wrong?"

Kate looked around, and at him. She could see his erection through his pants, and of course, he had no shirt on. She had done that to him. There must be something wrong with her. She blinked and her mother was on the floor, in a pool of blood, just like in that alleyway, staring at her in disgust.

"I just can't... I can't do it."

"You want to."

"Yes. So, so much. But... I have a job to do. That's what my life's supposed to be about. I haven't been doing so well... I've been thinking about you more than the academy. I even didn't have a bad dream last night."

"But that's a good thing!"

"Is it? I shouldn't be forgetting. I shouldn't feel better – I have to remember, to keep her in my mind every day, to drive me."

Rick stared at her.

"You're wrong."

"What the hell do you know?" she began to raise her voice – they were both getting angry now. "It's my life, not yours!"

"I know that your mother is dead. She's dead Kate, and I am truly sorry for you, but nothing is going to bring her back – not even justice. And certainly not living a life of pain and suffering, not allowing yourself to get over it because you're afraid to move on. You don't want to accept it – so you hold on to her in the only way you still can. You're staying with that body, that empty body – because you don't want to admit that your mother is gone. But she is gone, Kate, and she would want you to live your life."

Kate screamed at him, tears running freely down her cheeks. "How could you even say that?" she yelled, and slapped him hard across the face. His eyes remained firey, and he grabbed her. She thought he might throw her across the room, but instead, he brought his mouth to hers, and kissed her with all the passion that had been in his words as well. Furious as she was with him, she couldn't help but kiss him back. It just felt so right. And although she would never admit it, everything he had said had been right too.

Then he pulled away, leaving her desperate and confused – and still crazy with anger. He kept his face just inches from hers.

"Now. If you can look into my eyes and tell me you didn't like that, that you don't want to do it again, go now, walk out that door, and you'll never see me again."