A/N:
... Shit. I just... I... Garble blargle...
I'm in a pissy mood right now, in that this story... It just seems... I mean... I could have done things so much better. So much. Better. Alas, that is not to be. And that saddens me.
Writing this story is fun however. Very, very fun. I'm enjoying myself. That's good. I make no profit from the publish of this story. I gain nothing, but the relief of my stress. Ah, that's a good thing.
Of course, it could be worse.
Of course, real life contributes to my lament. My fat-ass lazy bum of a big brother decided to come over for a visit. He hasn't left. He just sits on my couch, using my computer, and eating my food.
I live alone. Okay? The last time I really had any contact with my family was like a few weeks ago, when they came over for a visit. Now, my problem. This lazy bum is just crashing at my place, and he's not doing jack. And I'm still a student...
You see my problem?
I'm not going to bore you anymore with my real life affairs. I'm just trying to give some explanation as to why I'm kind of in a pissy mood.
You know what? Disclaimer. Going now, before I begin rambling. God, this is difficult... But it wouldn't be fun if it wasn't a challenge, eh?
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I do not own the Nasuverse.
You know how sour I am about that? Do you want to know the festering amounts of hatred that I feel about this fact? I am so sour that if I sucked on one-hundred and one lemons per day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year, for the rest of my natural lifespan times ten-thousand, that would equal a trillionth of a zillionth of a billionth of a tenth of a percent of the sheer amount of sourness that I currently feel at this fact. Cave Johnson and his Combustible Lemons have nothing on my sourness.
I am sour. About. Life.
Sour-patch Kids anyone?
WARNING: OOC (some parts), incomplete understanding of lore(feedback appreciated on this topic: I'll check out the wikis or something later.), obviously AU, and probably some emo-ness/angst going on. I am not a professional. Just putting that out there.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Chapter Twelve: Of Monsters and Men (Part Three)
The pale man smirked.
"It begins... So it begins..."
He cleared his throat.
"Come out, you blasphemous mud-doll! Come out, you imitation! Come forth and be laid out on the ground like the scum you are! I beseech you to appear before me, foul abomination! Come forth and be judged!"
Silence. Nothing, not even the wind blew. The grass was still, the little insects and rodents made no noise. Nothing but the stillness of the night, with that grandiose castle looming above the forest, a veritable guardian of the night.
Caster sneered.
"If you will not come out, then... I will come to you!"
He strode forward, walking in a hunched fashion. His eerie entourage of disheveled dazed children followed, like so many zombies. Their gait was that of a dreamer, of one who was sleepwalking.
"I conjure thee, abomination! You are not fit to wear her face! You are not fit to resemble her holy visage! You shall be purged! Tried, judged, and executed! I shall be your judge, jury, and executioner!"
"You mad dog... You disturb my contemplation for this madness?"
Avenger had arrived.
She walked out of the castle leisurely, calmly. No, she didn't walk. She strode, marched, announcing her presence with every step she took. Her magnificent armor glistened in the moonlight, gleaming flawless metal. Her sword, swung with each step it took, each swing seeming to be a foreshadowing of what that sword could unleash. A sneering helm gazed upon that pale, dank figure in a condescending fashion.
"You're mad. Madder than that Berserker. I don't think anyone would begrudge me if I let my pent up tension out on some raving lunatic, what say you dark one?"
The stench of blood intensified. Where a coppery metallic tang had been present at Caster's arrival, it only increased when Avenger made her appearance.
The red knight stopped some hundred paces away from the Caster. Stopped and pointed her sword at her erstwhile opponent.
"You are, all of you trash. You are, all of you, filth. Please shut up and die by my blade. Would you kindly stand still and be killed?"
Caster smirked.
"If it were that easy, we would not be talking, wouldn't we? Mud-doll."
Avenger scoffed.
"Even if I am wounded, you will not be able to lay a scratch upon me. You pathetic insolent whelp. Shall I tan your hide then, as well as those mewling puppies that you hide behind? How pathetic... Are you a knight or not, Baron Gilles de Rais?"
"Be silent!"
"I do not heed the words of lesser men." Avenger snorted. "I shall kill you now. I grow weary of your ramblings."
And with that, she charged towards the Caster, bellowing a war-cry fit for a Berserker. She quickly closed the distance between herself and her opponent.
Normally, this would be a mis-match. Casters are weak in close quarters. This Caster was particularly weak: He was inferior to an actual magus, in that he was never an actual magus. Normally this would be a mis-match.
However, the Noble Phantasm that Caster owned more than evened the playing field.
The children went rigid. A slight 'clack' noise emanated from their spines. And in an instant, they became monsters.
They exploded into fountains of blood, blood and fleshy gobbets. Bits of meat sprayed every which way, pieces of what used to be hale and hearty human beings.
And then they appeared. Tentacled appendages, covered with the life-fluid of the children emerged, tentacles that had gaping toothed mouths at their ends. These creatures were truly abominations, things that had no right existing in the world.
Monsters.
Avenger slowed in her charge, and regarded the writing mass that were children before her cautiously.
She snarled.
"Abominations. No... Demons."
A tome appeared in the Caster's hands. This was a disgusting book, covered in what appeared to be human skin. It glistened in the moonlight, covered in some sickening fluid. Massive amounts of prana raged about its surface, raging and seething amounts. The thing was something similar to a furnace in the amount of energy it was radiating.
This was Caster's Noble Phantasm.
"Do you really think you can stand against my demonic armies, Mud-doll?"
Avenger looked at the raving man.
"Now, kill her!"
She shook her helmed head slowly.
"The only one who's going to die on this night... is you, mad one."
(Line break Button is broken. Sour.)
Avenger roared as she cut through another one of the demonic army with her silver sword. Hacking and slicing, cutting and swinging. The Avenger was exhibiting master level swordplay. Every strike slew an enemy. Every swing was timed perfectly.
Yet the demonic horde kept coming.
"Coward! You're nothing more than a coward!"
Caster frowned from the sidelines.
"Are you just going to hide behind your minions all day! You're nothing more than a glorified sack of meat!"
"Be silent, creature! ... Tis proof that you are not my Jeanne!"
"Shut up! You're not my mother!"
The demonic horde continued onwards. For, Avenger could not defeat them. She could hold them off admirably, but she could not defeat them.
For every one she 'killed', two more took its place. And so the vicious cycle continued.
"You are dirty! Your nature is of blood and suffering! You're a child of misfortune! You... You're violent, un-noble! You're nothing like my Jeanne, and yet... You dare wear her face? You-"
Avenger snapped.
"I am my own man! I am my own self! I am not a mud-doll! I AM HUMAN AS WELL!"
"You're an imitation!"
"I WILL NOT BE CALLED AN IMITATION BY A MEWLING WHELP!"
"Shut up and die!"
Avenger swung her sword furiously.
"NEVER! I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS INSULT!"
"You cannot defeat my demonic horde! What makes you think that you'll be able to land a hand on me, mud-doll?"
"... My face is that of my father's. It is with sorrow that I bear it. And yet... You dare... You dare insult me in such a manner?"
Her helm split and retracted into her armor. Green eyes glared furiously at Caster.
"You gormless, spineless, nerveless worm. I will end you for insinuating that I am a... A copy. A tool. I am my own man. I am my own self. I am no one's tool. And you... You will know blood."
She bared her teeth.
"I. Will. End you."
Caster smirked.
"Come and try, mud-doll."
Avenger roared again, and redoubled her efforts to push through the monstrous army. Yet for all her martial prowess, for all her skill, for all her might and strength, she could not in fact push through.
Slowly, steadily, Avenger was losing.
That was intolerable. This was intolerable, for Avenger.
Bit by bit, she fell back, losing ground to the tentacled things. Slowly, but surely, the sword slowed in its terrible swings. The red knight was tiring from the implacable demons that the deranged Caster had summoned.
Said Caster could only smile at Avenger's weariness..
"Now then, you damned-"
Another armored figure burst onto the battle field. A blade of wind swooshed through the alien figures, dispelling them in a brilliant display of swordplay.
And when the dust had settled, the figure of she who is named the King of Knights could be seen on the battlefield, resplendent in her blue dress and gleaming armor. Golden hair arranged neatly in a bun, emerald eyes were cold and hard. This was a true knight, a knight from a fairytale. The righteous, good knight that slays dragons and saves princesses. The Once and Future King, who was clearly a king by weight of presence alone. Yes, this person was truly a king, that was unmistakable.
Saber had arrived.
"Father... You..."
"Avenger, I would like to propose that we set aside our differences to put down this abhuman beast." The blond replied coldly, hefting her invisible blade. "I for one, cannot stomach some filthy lout that behaves in such a cowardly fashion."
Green eyes bored into green eyes.
"What say you, Avenger?"
The corner of Avenger's mouth twitched upwards.
"Tsk. I swore to take his head. I shall make due on that promise. Very well, Arthur. We kill this weakling. Then we talk."
"That is acceptable." Saber replied.
"Jeanne... My Jeanne... You have returned!"
Avenger raised an eyebrow.
"Jeanne? Joan of Arc, the Maid of Orleans? Does he actually..."
"Sadly..."
"... Oh that is too rich."
Saber sighed.
"Are we going to kill the unkempt lunatic now, or are we going to be blathering all night?"
"Jeanne! Why are you-"
Saber and Avenger glared at Caster.
"Shut up." They muttered at the exact same time, causing Caster to flinch.
"I'm going to fucking kill you."
"I see... The army will have to go first, correct?"
"Tch. This bastard, hiding behind his minions like a sniveling child, how distasteful. Is he not man enough to face his end?"
"Well then. First to a hundred beheads the lout?"
"I was thinking first to two hundred, but one hundred works as well."
And the two knights, one red, one blue, charged. And it was glorious.
(Line break Button is broken. Sour.)
Caster licked his lips as he stared at the blue knight with needy eyes.
"Jeanne... At last..."
He cackled evilly.
"At last! You've arrived, once again! Show me! Show me that nobility, that braveness, the light! Yes, you are Jeanne d-"
"Shut up, won't you?"
Caster froze at the voice behind him.
"You taint the air with your presence. It is unseemly." Naruto continued. Spiky locks of hair hung over lidded blue eyes. The blond had his hands in his pockets, his back to Caster's back. He was slouching slightly, as if he were completely and utterly relaxed.
Caster started.
"How in the bloody hell did you-"
Naruto raised a finger to his lips.
"Shh... This is not an opportune time for you to talk..."
"Don't-"
"Look at the moon. That white mistress of deception, of mystery and intrigue. Look at the grass, the small things that shriek in the undergrowth, the clattering of branches, the whistling of the wind as it blows through the night. Hear the ringing of steel on steek, the sounds of flesh meeting blade, the cries of knights at war. Look at these sights. Listen to these things, for I can assure you, you will never be able to hear them ever again."
Caster threw a punch at the blond.
"Don't screw with me!"
A flash of golden light, before...
"I have no time for those who kill for the sake of killing."
"What the fuck?!"
Naruto had disappeared, and reappeared behind Caster once again.
"You dog. Normally I wouldn't lower myself to using this technique. It's one of my trump cards, if you will. However, to put down a thing like you... I'll go all out."
Caster trembled.
"What the hell did you do? Was that... Teleportation?" Caster wet his lips nervously. "It doesn't matter. You're just a man! You're just a man!"
"You're despicable. Playing with the lives of children like that. You're a dog, a monster. Unluckily for you, I specialize in hunting monsters. It's my job."
"You're nothing but a puny human! Just disappear like the trash you are!"
He summoned his demons with a wave of his hand. Monstrous, otherworldly figures appeared. To describe them... They were, by nature, inimical to the human mind. Hideous. Abominations. Unclean. Illogical. Not right, they weren't right.
"Even if I'm nothing... There's something you don't know about me."
Blue eyes became pigmented with orange, becoming toad-like.
"I never give up. Even if the odds are against me, even if a god is against me, even if I must bear a burden that no one should bear, I won't. Give. Up."
"Kill him." Caster muttered. "Cease his foolish talk! Slay him!"
The demons closed, uttering alien sounds. Monstrous roars, hideous screeching and squealing. A lesser man would have fled, or been frozen. A lesser man would have pissed himself by now.
The blond stood, stoic.
"I'm going to kill you now. Caster."
A flash of metal. A howl of wind.
Those tentacled things burst apart, torn apart by a silver streak of light, akin to a speeding bullet of sorts.
Three knives were embedded in the ground, buried up to their hilts.
Caster gaped at this.
"You... Filthy parlor tricks won't work on me!"
Naruto chuckled.
"Oh, that's rich, coming from a Caster. Is that all you can do? Summon up your little demons? You have no idea what a real demon is."
The insane man screamed, and began summoning his grotesque underlings. They popped up, one by one, in multitudes. Tens of them, hundreds of these things that came from the pits of tartarus.
"A real demon... Can destroy mountains with a swing of its tail."
Naruto threw a scroll in the air, where it unraveled. From there, he began throwing his three-pointed knives. He'd touch the scroll, unseal the knife from the scroll and throw it. Faster than any normal human should be able to throw or unseal.
An endless stream of cold steel cut through Caster's demons. Normally, these knives would have done little to nothing against the creatures. These projectiles, however, shrieked through the air due to a liberal amount of prana infused into the blade, that caused said blade to gain an enhanced cutting surface.
And because Naruto was auto-reinforcing his limbs...
The blades didn't pierce the tentacled monsters. They tore them in half.
And while Caster's demons were endless, or close to endless, Naruto didn't seem to be running out of blades any time soon.
Eventually, Caster pulled back his forces, regarding his opponent with fear and wariness. Naruto had his kunai in hand, ready to throw.
"Why won't you just die?! Just die! You're... You're just a human, so how...?"
"You're right. I'm just a human. I'm inferior, right? That's how the order of the world works, right?"
Naruto smiled.
"That's entirely true. I'm not the best there is. Saber is stronger than me, physically. She's more skilled than I am in close quarters. Nine times out of ten, she'll kick my ass even if I play dirty. That's just how good she is. Berserker as well, if he weren't holding back at the beginning, I would have died. Lancer is skilled as well. We're about dead even in a physical confrontation. I'm not the best there is. I'm not the strongest. The fastest, the smartest, the most accurate. But..."
His eyes hardened.
"It's still enough to take down your sorry ass."
And then he disappeared in a flash of golden light.
More flashes of golden light. Slicing noises.
Caster watched in shock and horror as a golden haired figure made his way through his demon army, stabbing and slicing and kicking and punching and-
And with a 'squish' sound, a long, straight single-edged chokutō stabbed through the madman's heart, vibrating slightly as it impaled Caster, straight through his back and through the other side of his body, through skin, muscle, spine, muscle, heart, both sternum, muscle and more skin, as it cut its way out of his body, ruining more flesh and organs as it exited the body. Right lung, more muscle and skin. Severed.
Caster gasped, in pain and shock. The large skin-covered tome that he held fell out of his hands, landing on the ground. It quivered as it too was stabbed by the sword.
The Caster fell.
"... How... How... What kind of sword..."
"This sword was made to channel lightning, but wind works as well. I channeled my prana into the blade, making it even sharper, more able to cut through flesh and bone. You feel it, don't you. Your heart, lungs, spine: All severed, cut apart from within your body."
As the blond spoke, he sealed the blood-stained chokutō back inside his scroll.
"Hmm. Going to have to clean that blade."
"That... That's not a normal sword..."
"Nope. It isn't. It's a... Something akin to a very powerful Mystic Code, if you will. It belonged to a man I respected."
Caster wheezed, drowning in his own blood.
"You're not normal... Aren't you? That golden light... Like an avenging angel, sent from heaven...?"
Naruto said nothing.
"Ah... I'm dying... Aren't I?"
The blond began walking away.
"You thought I was a mere, puny human. Drunk on your hubris, blind to the wishes of the world. Wanting something selfish, trying to play God with the lives of others. These are your sins, Gilles de Rais. And the mistake that you, and many other made was this. You underestimated me. And that was your death."
"Hah... Hah..."
"I didn't want to have to go to such lengths, but this was the fastest and most efficient way to end the battle. And I cannot let you live, and ruin the lives of more children."
If he didn't have to, Naruto wouldn't have used Hiraishin. It was a secret trump card, a say to get the jump on his opponent. But in order to kill a madman before he could end the lives of more innocents, he'd go all out.
"... Joan..."
And with that, Caster expired. And that was the first Servant to fall for the Fourth Fuyuki Holy Grail War.
It was really, quite anti-climatic.
"Hmm. That is to be expected. After all, I was an assassin. I don't do dramatic battles, not for scumbags like this guy. I'll finish the job in the most efficient way, if that's the case."
He sighed, and made his way back to where Saber and Avenger were standing.
"Time to wrap things up."
A/N:
... That was really anti-climatic. I looked back at the chapter, and realized: That was pretty... Pretty lame, eh?
Ah well, he's an assassin. He doesn't care about the dramatics, so long as he ends the lives of his opponents in the quickest and most efficient fashion. At least, that's my thinking.
It was a little bit of a curbstomp. But that is to be expected. Hiraishin is quite OP and Naruto wasn't playing around. Not anymore, not after Caster murdered those children.
Pissing Naruto off? Not a good idea.
Of course, Saber can still kick his ass in a sword fight. As can Berserker. Because, Naruto is kind of like Gilgamesh the way I'm portraying him. He's an owner of weapons, but he doesn't know how to utilize them to their fullest potential.
This chapter could have been better. I revised it like three times already, and this is the result. So, I'm publishing it. Whoo! Whoo!
It's really, really short. I may have to do some double-checking, but I'm pretty certain that this is in fact the SHORTEST chapter that I've published for this story. That's not a good thing.
The arc isn't over, so don't breath a sigh of relief. I still have plans, and I'm planning for my plans so that my plans will be planned for by the plan.
Shameless Plug: I have a blog! Link is on my profile. I am also currently doing a 'Rein Hellfire reads: My Immortal' on said blog. If you want to go check that out, go check that out.
... Hmm. Did I cover everything? Yeah, I think I did.
Criticism is appreciated. And once again...
Rein Hellfire. Signing out.
Oh wait. One last thing...
OMAKE!
Omake: Awkward...
"So, does Archer have a thing for blonds?"
Kotomine asked.
The alliance of 'baddies' were situated in their sinister, dark, evil mansion. Tokiomi was present, reclining in a chair and sipping a glass of wine like a baller. Assassin was in the shadows... Like some glorified stalker. And Kirei was standing near the wall, arms crossed.
The red-eyed servant glared at him, peevishly.
"Why do you say that, mongrel?"
"In canon, you go for Saber-"
"Master, you're breaking the fourth wall." Assassin muttered.
"-In this fic, you have an unhealthy obsession with Naruto. Why is that?"
"Hmmph. It is quite simple. The mongrel has powers that normal men do not possess. He has garnered my interest-"
"And we all know what happens to people who garner your interest." Assasssin muttered again.
Archer shot a sword through the Assassin's head, killing him,
"Don't interrupt the king. As I was saying, he is probably a new treasure that I have yet to collect. After all, everything in this world belongs to me. That is the law."
Kirei raised an eyebrow.
"That doesn't correspond to any law that I know of."
"The rules don't apply to me, mongrel. I apply to the rules."
Tokiomi raised his glass of wine.
"Your highness, the question remains. Do you... I... How should I say this... That is to say, do you have..."
"Speak your mind, mongrel. My patience wanes."
"Are you gay for Naruto?"
"WHAAAAT! TOKIOMI, you BASTARD! You dare insinuate that about your king!"
"I'm sorry-"
"Besides, I'm not gay! I'm bi-sexual!" Gilgamesh announced proudly, striking a truumphant pose, right arm held out, left hand on armored hip.
Kirei dead-panned.
Tokiomi dead-panned.
Assassin continued bleeding out.
Gilgamesh continued striking that same pose.
"What? It's not like that's unusual. Caster prefers little boys and little girls. And Rider likes men and women. I'm pretty sure that Saber is the same."
"... What."
"Oh come on! It's stated in canon that she fucked the shit out of her half-sister! The fact that she got pregnant with her-"
"TMI."
"Regardless, Saber also falls for some cheap imitator! Why can't I like guys and girls?"
Silence.
Another Assassin incarnation opened the door, and poked his head inside.
"Did I come at the wrong time? Cause... You all are just staring at each other... Are you looking at each other with lovey-dovey eyes. Is this going to turn into a Yaoi-fest?"
Cue dead-pan.
"Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against that sort of thing, it's just that... Yeah, I'll be... Going now. Probably going to die, like the disposable mook that I am,"
"Just get out."
"Mmkay, I'm going now."
The door closed.
Kirei face-palmed.
"That was awkward. Let's change... Let's change the topic, okay?"
"... Sure."
"Just this once, I shall deign to agree with you, mongrel."
A/N:
This was bad. Super bad.
Omake: Magus
"Naruto, why do you refer to yourself as a magus sometimes, not a ninja?"
The spiky-haired blond raised a finger. He chewed the ramen that he was eating, swallowed.
"Saber, the most logical answer is because I do not wish to be referred to as a ninja. That part of my life is over, done and over, and I don't want to reopen old wounds."
"I see."
"That and being called a magus is way cooler."
Saber started.
"What..."
"You know, it was my childhood dream to become a magic user, right?"
"I thought it was your childhood dream to become hokage."
"Don't argue semantics. Besides, do you really think I agree with what Kishimoto is doing?"
"True... It is quite clear that the author does not agree. Not at all."
"Exactly. Besides, the whole Ninja thing is kinda turning out like vampires. Twilight kind of ruined the entire vampire concept, just as Kishimoto is making Ninja out to be orange-wearing morons."
Naruto raised an eyebrow.
"Do I look like a moron to you? I beat Lancer's ass. I beat Berserker-"
"You slightly injured him. He wasn't really hurt."
"Don't argue, please. And I just killed Caster! I think that makes me a badass, right?"
"... Not really."
"Oh come on!"
"So... Being a magus is cooler than being a ninja?"
Naruto nodded.
Saber turned to the audience.
"I think I should inform those at home, who are reading this horrible piece of literature-"
A/N: I take offense to that.
"- That this was done purely for fun. Nothing more, nothing less. Therefore, this is not canon F: ZHR. And therefore, do not take anything you read in these omakes seriously."
She paused.
"And for the record, vampires are not lame. One word. Hellsing. And Hellsing Ultimate."
She nodded.
"Yes. Hellsing. Vampires are certainly not lame in that verse."
"And the author's views are not necessarily represented in this story!"
"That was a suspiciously specific denial."
A/N:
My views are not necessarily represented in this story. That is a fact. Just putting that out there...
If you guys want to write omake for this story, go ahead. Email is on my profile, or you can use the document sending thing that this website has.
NOW I'm going.