Chapter 14

"Can you do one more to complete the set for me?"

"Bloody hell. Fine," Ghost exclaimed as he adjusted his feet on the pad for the leg press. He glanced at his spotter and said, "And you thought I was a Nazi." He completed the reps to complete the set and lowered the pad into the rest position. He looked at his spotter and said, "This is the part where you're supposed to call me a British arsehole."

Nicolette looked at the man sitting at the leg press. The weight setting was ridiculously low but the man was just getting over bruised kidneys and a broken leg. He had been in a cast for nearly two months and spitting mad but at least he was able to do a modified workout to stay in shape. Now he was able to walk and use both legs as they recovered in Hamburg at a PT facility. She sighed and replied, "I guess I'm just not into it today."

After making the ticks for his set, Nicolette wandered over to where the pull up bar was. She looked up at the bar and adjusted her feet to jump up and grab it. She was startled when she was lifted up but she grabbed onto the bar. Looking down, she saw Ghost holding her steady and she gave a nod. She didn't need the help anymore but she knew Ghost was trying to make up for his behavior towards her.

It was about maybe four days after she had fully woken up and Jolly gave the okay that she demanded to see the other patients. MacTavish wasn't going to argue and Jolly was just being Jolly by laying down restrictions which she took with meek obedience that was probably uncharacteristic of her but she was willing to do anything to make sure that they were okay. She was even willing to be wheeled in a wheelchair, which was a good thing since any attempt to walk would have pulled and probably ripped the stitches in her hip.

Roach and Ghost were sharing a room and Ghost was already going at it about getting up and out. He was under the impression that he was under Jolly's care and for the most part, he was. He was grumbling to Roach who was actually content with just reading and was willfully ignoring Ghost's grumblings. He was the first to see her and she told him not to let on. He had agreed and allowed her to say, "I would so like to hear you say that to Jolly's face."

Ghost looked hilarious as he sat up and looked at her. He groused, "You try dealing with a fucking dragon, Ryan."

"I did. And she's not a dragon you British Nazi," she replied with a slight smile. "I don't why all of you guys are such big babies with her."

"You're not the one who had to deal with her," Ghost actually pouted while Roach was trying not to laugh.

Nicolette replied with a chuckle, "Babies." She sighed as she sat looking at them and then asked, "So you're doing good?"

Roach had his book on his lap and was looking at her, "I'm fine."

Ghost cleared his throat and gave a look to Roach. He then looked at Nicolette and said, "Hey… um can we talk?"

What followed was an awkward conversation since Ghost was not one for heart to hearts. Roach was ignoring the conversation by going back to his reading and listening while trying not to listen. In the end Ghost said, "You're all right Ryan. Secret's safe with me."

It had a far deeper meaning than that and they were able to come to an understanding. They didn't need to go into too much of a discussion since they understood each other. Yet Nicolette got the idea that Ghost was determined to make it up to her in his own way. Either that or he sensed that she was toying with an idea that had been in the works since she woke up. She looked down at Ghost who was standing by. It was only pull ups but he was determined to be a spotter just in case.

"You know that it is pull ups," she said.

"No shite Ryan. My turn to bully you."

Nicolette gave a tired shrug as she looked up where her hands were gripping the bar. Slowly she pulled herself up to do a chin up. It was difficult since she had been shot in the shoulders but she was determined to get back to her usual self. She had gone to work joining the 141 while she was injured and hid that well. There was no chance of hiding this since everyone saw her in slings and being irritable with the well-wishing.

As soon as she was cleared to start PT she went at it with the same stubborn tenacity MacTavish did three years ago. She refused 'advice' from the nurses and went to work. It ended up that Ghost and Roach followed her lead and joined her as soon as they were cleared. Ghost was just starting out because of his injuries and Roach was able to do some things until they got his arm out of the cast and the antibiotics did their thing and he was up and about.

She did a chin up and then reversed so the bar would touch the back of her shoulders. She alternated and replied, "I don't feel like bullying today."

"Then maybe I'll just bloody ask you for another rep," Ghost countered as he looked up to watch her.

Nicolette pulled a slight face. Her shoulders were starting to ache again. She wasn't going to quit though and finished until she dropped and rotated them. She looked at Ghost, "Asking isn't your style Ghost. Go back to being a hardass. I like you better that way." She gave a slight smile with that before she turned to jump back up.

"I'll go back when I'm sure you're not going to do anything stupid."

"What makes you think that?" Nicolette went back to doing her rotating reps. She was going to do five more than the last. That was how she always did it. This week she was up to what twenty to start.

"Don't play stupid," Ghost said as he walked around. He was getting used to being on his legs again. "You've been quiet since you got out and only talking when someone talks to you. You don't even talk to the captain much."

"Maybe I don't feel like talking," she said as she let go. She motioned that it was his turn. Her shoulders with throbbing and she needed to relax them a bit. "Maybe I just want to concentrate on getting back into the field."

"You know we pulled out of Afghan and moved back to base," Ghost pointed out. They had been sent to Hamburg once they were stable along with the other injured for recovery. He grabbed the bar and did a couple of reps to work out his arms. He didn't do too many since he wasn't in the mood. "What is so important about it that you have to be like a bitch?"

"None of your damn business," Nicolette retorted. She was done and not in the mood for pointless conversation. She left the workout area with a determined step unaware that Ghost was right behind her. She didn't know until he put a hand on her shoulder and she reacted like she did when they first fought. "I thought I made it clear," she said as she slammed him into the wall.

Ghost waved off the staff. They knew better than to mess with her anyway. He looked at her and said, "And it is my damn business to see if you are fit to return to duty."

"And fuck you very much," Nicolette replied as she let him go. "You know full damn well that I am not one of you." She turned to continued walking.

"And that is nothing but shite," Ghost said as he kept up. His persistence forced her to slow down since she knew that he was just starting on PT. "Look, I had a lot of time to think about things and if anything you are part of us."

Nicolette stopped and looked at Ghost. Her expression was bland but it hid how she was feeling. "Don't be stupid. You know what I mean. You know who I am."

"I don't know your real name but to me you are Ryan and we first met during OP Kingfish. You were good then and you are good now. You watch out for your team." Ghost studied her expression. He didn't like that it had changed. She was still friendly with Roach. In fact that relationship was the only one that didn't change as well as how she treated the others. He took a gamble, "Tav told me you saved his life before that."

Nicolette narrowed her eyes slightly as if trying to detect a lie. She knew that MacTavish wouldn't say anything unless he was trying to make someone understand and he trusted them to the fullest. Ghost was like Roach; they were both loyal and they believed in their mission. Ghost was more wary because of what happened to him. It was why she didn't blame him for his reaction when he snooped and it was her fault for being careless.

She took a breath and replied, "And did he tell you I almost was ready to kick his ass when we first met and that we didn't even like each other?"

"No… but you wouldn't leave room for doubt long," Ghost replied, "That I know. Even though, for whatever reason, you couldn't tell me or Roach anything, you still were what you always were and is now and that is a friend and a teammate." He took a breath and looked around. He was glad no other staff were listening since they wouldn't understand. "Even after the way I treated you, you stayed and defended us. Makes us all look like shite heads."

"I always look after my own… even when I am not around," Nicolette replied. She then sighed and let go of where she had grabbed Ghost. She turned to go to the balcony and take in the fresh air. She put her hands on her hips and stared out. She knew that Ghost was with her still. The bastard was persistent.

Ghost followed her and looked out. "Nice view."

Nicolette made a snort. "I said go back to being a fucking asshole. Being nice isn't you." Her lip twitched into a slight smile as she turned to look at Ghost.

"Only way to get you to talk," Ghost commented. He looked at her with a concerned look. "Ryan… I know that you would do anything to look after your own. It's why I'm being the persistent asshole. I know you are up to something."

Nicolette knew that she couldn't get anything by Ghost. The man was persistent in a lot of things and mostly it was because he was like her; they both cared about their team and their men. She looked at the man and he looked vastly different without his balaclava. Apparently Jolly made it clear that it wasn't a costume party and he wasn't going to get away with wearing it. She looked at Ghost and said, "I am thinking of requesting a transfer. I don't think I can do this anymore."

"Are you nuts?"

"No, being practical." Nicolette sighed and rubbed her head. Occasionally she got headaches because of the concussion. They were usually mild but once she got a migraine and that made her a real bitch. Now she recognized the signs of a possible migraine. The doc said that they would fade with time but at the moment they were a bitch. She explained, "I know you know that Makarov has a death warrant on me and… the Black Fox. He is pissed that alias gave the 141 the playground and uncovering a few things to slow him down plus what… I did three years ago."

"You mean he is after Anya… I remember the name but not the face until I thought about it," Ghost admitted.

"Same person," Nicolette replied with a shrug. "The point is that Makarov had it in for me and even blamed me along with Zakhaev for Viktor Zakhaev's death. According to him I am the traitor by betraying what they stood for. Funny thing is I was working Viktor to turn son against father and he was close to doing it. Makarov made it personal to kill me… if he found me."

Ghost listened to Nicolette and studied her. She had bags under her eyes giving him the impression that she hadn't been sleeping well. "Nightmares?"

Nicolette looked at Ghost. She didn't say anything but stared at him. Even though MacTavish knew about one episode, she had been careful to keep the other episodes to herself except when Jolly made a comment and it was more or less to tease her about the fact that she called out to MacTavish a couple of times. The reasons for that culminated in this.

Ghost studied her expression. He then said, "Used to have them all the time after I was tortured. I used to think that they were coming after me." He paused and watched as he saw she was ready to bolt. Apparently he hit a nerve. He gently put a hand on her arm, "Ryan… it is easy to run but you can't do it all your life. In the end you'll hurt people more… especially if they mean something to you."

"And if running ensures safety?"

"Can't always run. Sometimes you gotta stand and fight. In your case, maybe start planning more contingency." Ghost gave a shrug and just turned to look out at the landscape.

"This seat taken?"

Nicolette looked up to see MacTavish indicating if he could sit at the table she was sitting. She gave a slight smile as she sipped the tea she had made. "Why not? It's not like knocking is in your repertoire."

MacTavish took a seat saying, "You're the one that decided it was okay for B&E."

"Because you're ugly mug was in a perpetual pout." Nicolette put her cup down and poured a cup and slid it towards MacTavish. "It isn't coffee but then again you wouldn't want that crap. It's worse than what we had on base."

MacTavish wasn't a tea man but he wasn't going to quibble. Just being in her company was worth it. He accepted the cup and held it for a moment before taking a sip. "Not bad."

"Don't Brits call it the panacea of all ills?" Nicolette looked at MacTavish with a slight smile. She had been thinking about a lot of things since her conversation with Ghost a couple of days ago. She also had been working on a few things as well.

"I'm Scottish, lass."

"And you're still cute ugly." Nicolette hummed softly as she took a sip of tea. She sighed as sshe looked out over the balcony. "Thanks… for coming."

"I came to see you," MacTavish replied. He took a good look at her face. "You haven't been sleeping well. I can tell."

"Yeah well hard to do that when you're thinking about other things."

MacTavish did his best to suppress a sigh. He looked around the room that she had been installed in. It hardly looked lived in. It was like his room at Birmingham with the bed, the table and kitchenette. There was no personalization and he hardly expected it considering that her things were back at base except for her clothes. It was like she was only using the place for the express purpose of a roof over her head and a bed to sleep in and she probably saw it that way.

He looked at her, worried at her lack of sleep. He was also suspicious about what she was up to. It was the way how she worded her response that had him suspicious. He didn't want to get into a fight though. He was just going to have to tread this carefully. "What things have you been thinking about?"

"The state of things," Nicolette replied being honest. She wasn't going to run circles around MacTavish. She cared about him too much. Fuck that since it was deeper than simple caring. She knew that it was more and it scared her. "That maybe… this hasn't been working."

MacTavish frowned at that. He hoped that she wasn't saying what it sounded like. He probed some more, "What do you mean? Nico, what are you saying?"

Nicolette sighed and closed her eyes when she heard the name he called her. She hated this and she was certain he was going to take it the wrong way. Then he would be hurt and she would be hurt because he was hurting. She put a hand to her head to massage it since she felt the beginning throbs of a migraine. "Please don't take this out of proportion," she begged.

MacTavish was startled by the begging tone she was using. He could tell that she was starting to get a headache and he gently took her cup from her hand and put it on the table before she dropped it. He then took her free hand and held it in his. He didn't want to think the worst case scenario. "Nico… what are you planning?"

Nicolette sighed as the throbbing eased a little. She was able to focus on the fact that MacTavish had started rubbing her hand in his. "I am saying that it isn't working with me hiding like this. I can't do this anymore," she said feeling like it was taking a lot of effort and it certainly was since she tried to find the right words.

"I said I would protect you and that we would get him. I promised." MacTavish held her hand and rubbed it gently, feeling the structure of her fingers down to her palms. "I promised Nico and it is one I aim to keep one way or another."

"You shouldn't have."

"I wanted to because… I care about you."

Nicolette looked at her hand encased in his large ones. "What I meant was… I don't want to just hide." She felt her throat convulse as she took a breath. She then said, "I need to leave the 141 for a little while. There are a few things I need to do."

"So you're running." MacTavish was well aware that it sounded accusatory in the matter of fact tone that he uttered it in.

"I am not running," Nicolette replied feeling a little defensive. "I am being practical. I can't stay in a place where the people I care about are place in danger because of my screw up three years ago and now I have… an obsessive… whatever on my ass."

"The brat's death wasn't your fault," MacTavish countered. "You were doing your job Nico just like the rest of us."

Nicolette had stood up to look out the window. She didn't want to sit since it felt constricting and she needed to calm down. She didn't want to shout. "I know we were just doing our jobs Soap… but Zakhaev was right in that his son's blood is on my hands. I was playing Viktor to turn father against son. Makarov figured it out and he thinks Zakhaev's downfall is my fault and that I am the epitome of the very evils of the west."

She paused as she turned to look at MacTavish. "I know he issued a death warrant in the worst possible way. I was there during OP Kingfish. He will stop at nothing to do the worst thing."

"I know what it means too and I won't let him touch you," MacTavish replied as he stood to meet her gaze. "I understand that you had to hide after you left because of that and all that mattered was that you safe."

Nicolette sighed as her featured contorted into a pensive gaze. She wasn't frustrated by his literal grasp of the threat. "It's not that Soap. I know you might give him too much credit but given who the man is… The worst thing he could do is to make it so I would be dead inside. I would be alive but dead because he would go after what matters the most."

"He doesn't know about Kyle and he knows you by your alias."

"My nightmares are what he would do to you," she said in a normal tone that was as effective as if she had shouted it.

The silence that followed filled the room. MacTavish stared at Nicolette as she took normal breaths. She looked out the window and back at him and said, "I need to leave because I can't stand it if he catches up to me and you are in the crossfire."

MacTavish stared at Nicolette. She wanted to leave and while she gave her reasons he got the feeling that she was holding something back. It was the one thing that he had thought would come up during the nine months that she had been with the 141. She had warned him about the dangers of it and he didn't want to listen and then what happened when Ghost got the bug up his arse.

"Please say something," Nicolette said not standing the silence. She wasn't sure that she liked the expression that was flitting across MacTavish's face.

"What do you want me to say?" MacTavish looked at her. "You want to leave because you're afraid of people you know getting hurt. You ever think about what your leaving would do?"

"It's all I ever think about. I am being practical. He made it personal."

"Aye he did. And now you're leaving a mess behind." MacTavish knew that it was being mean but he did dislike the fact that she wasn't giving him the choice of whether or not he wanted to be a part of the obvious danger it would be if Makarov learned the truth but then again Makarov was the enemy of everyone who thought he was a madman. "At least at Birmingham you were nicer about it."

Nicolette felt a tightness build in her chest. Her eyes were starting to burn with angry tears as she tried to control her breathing, "You are really a Scottish bastard. This is not just about little things; we are talking about the fate of the world."

"And I am talking about you."

"It is my fault Soap. All of it and I can't let any more of what happened in Afghan happen. Not to you, and not to the others."

MacTavish crossed his arms over his chest. He had to because he was doing his utmost not to do anything rash. "Well I got news for you sister. That is the job I took when I signed up for service and going through Selection. That is the job I have now. It is my choice. You can't make it for me."

"Then don't make promises you can't keep."

MacTavish sighed though it sounded angry. He finally said, "You know what, fine. Leave. It is what you're good at. Disappear for another two years and then show up with an alias for a mission and disappear again. It works well for you." He turned to leave.

"Then go back to being a bitching Scottish bastard feeling sorry for himself."

MacTavish stopped and turned to look at her. They stared at each other for a long time both knowing that they had hit each other below the belt on that one. Nicolette was the first to speak, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving in the morning. I'm cleared."

"Well thank you for that courtesy," MacTavish shot back. He opened the door and paused as if to say something. He was almost out when he muttered, "Fuck it."

Nicolette was trying hard not to let tears come out when she was grabbed and felt MacTavish's lips press against hers. Her eyes widened slightly as MacTavish coaxed her mouth open to deepen the kiss. She could have fought but she didn't and let him in. She ended up gasping for air when he broke it and looked at him in surprise.

MacTavish stared back. At the moment he had a myriad of emotions going through and if he didn't control himself now he knew that it could only spell trouble. He took in her surprised expression but he knew that she let him in when she could have fought. Maybe… Finally he said, "I hope that you will think of that when you're gone and come back home."

Nicolette blinked since she was speechless. She was made even more speechless, if that was possible, when MacTavish bent and gave her another kiss on the mouth but this time gently. She stayed where she was when he backed away and turned to leave her room. He gave her one more look before closing the door. It was only then that she closed her eyes and let out the breath she had been holding.

A/N: And here is the aftermath of the rescue. Looks like things are not going so well and Nico is having a hard time saying what she wanted to say and Soap just wants her to stay. Stay tuned for next time on Band of Brothers...