I am so happy that you liked the last chapter. I was worried because it was a chapter without any interactions with other characters. It took me a long time to get Matt's thoughts and his mental state to paper;-) So I am relieved that it was worth it. In this chapter, it's the gang of 51 and Matt on his own
Hope you like this one as well.
Chapter XIV
"Hey, look at these two love-birds," Hermann called out as he saw Severide and Kidd entering his bar. "Kidd, grab a cloth! You're late." He tossed a rag at her, "I can't manage this crazy crowd alone."
Kidd turned around and laughed, "You mean you can't handle Crazy Station 51." She looked around and saw Otis and Cruz, who were chatting with Mouch, at the end of the bar. They seemed to be involved in a debate, which she thought, it was better if she didn't know of. The squad guys were seated at two of the tables across the bar. Brett stood next to Cruz, and her look roamed in the direction of a certain detective, who was sitting by one of the tables with his cop buddies.
Hermann shouted and winked at her, "Ah shut up, and do what you came for."
She looked back at him and smirked, "Copy that, Lieutenant!" She kissed Kelly on his cheek and made her way behind the bar.
Hermann served Severide a beer, and as he threw his cloth over his left shoulder he asked, "Ahm Lieutenant, Casey's coming today?"
Severide shrugged and answered, "My guess is as good as yours. I texted him."
Herman sighed, "He's not doing so great, is he?" Severide solely took a sip from his bottle and let his eyes sank before he tried to answer, "He's ..."
As Severide couldn't find the right words, Hermann helped him out, "Say no more, Lieutenant. I get it," the older firefighter sighed.
Suddenly Cruz came by and asked louder than intentioned, "Yoh, Lieutenant what's with all the talk about Casey and a murder in East Garfield? How is he?"
Severide was caught off guard and almost spilled his sip of beer, "Hey, just tone it down, Cruz. Not everyone needs to know."
"Are you kidding me? We all know," Cruz told him.
Severide threw a look at Boden, who stood behind him. He just shrugged. Antonio just shook his head as he saw that Severide was staring at him. Then Kelly looked back at Hermann. The bartender looked at him with apologetic eyes, "What did you expect? News travels fast these days." He shrugged and told him, "We're all worried about the Captain."
It seemed like every eye were pointed towards the squat-Lieutenant. His inner tension began to rise.
"Yeah well, if you all want to know. Casey's doing just fine." Severide lied. He didn't want to jeopardize Casey's trust. He knew his friend well, and he knew he didn't want his colleagues to see that he had a hard time.
Of course, he also knew that they wouldn't believe a single word, that he was saying. He knew they weren't blind these last couples of months. And given the fact that Boden stripped Casey off of his command had only added fuel into the fire of speculations.
"If you wanna know how Casey's doing? Call him," he shouted through the crowd. "So, don't bother me about it," he added and glared at Joe Cruz, only to make it a point.
He felt like he had to carry a lot of weight on his shoulder. He knew everyone had the impression that he was the one who could help Casey return to normal. But from what he has witnessed these last few hours, he wasn't sure he actually could.
"Kelly," Chief Boden warned him.
"Chief. No!" Severide said out loud. "If they wanna know, they should talk to him." He was feeling the desperation rising in him.
"And you!" He pointed at Antonio Dawson, "Get your sister on the damn phone and tell her to get her mind straight, already. She's playing a foul game."
Antonio stood up and wanted to launch towards Kelly, but Jay and Ruzek stepped in front of him. "Don't," Halstead warned his friend. "He's just upset about Casey."
Antonio slowly sat down again and took a sip of his drink, glaring back at Severide for mentioning his sister in public. Jay ordered another round by raising his hand in the air and Stella nodded at him to let him know she got it.
The Chief took the seat next to his Lieutenant, and Cruz got the hint and shook his head as he made his way back over to his friends. They all had their heads bowed, and no one dared to say anything.
"Oh … Okay, guys, this is supposed to be a happy bar. So, calm down, everyone, and order more beer," Hermann tried to lighten the mood.
Mouch raised his glass and yelled, "To that, I say … let them' coming!" Herman winked at his old companion and let him know, "On it, Mouch!"
Kelly was reaching for his beer. He didn't dare to look at his boss. Chief sensed his defense and just ordered in a sincere tone, "Talk to me, Kelly!"
Severide only shook his head in desperation, "I don't know what to tell you."
"How bad is it?" Boden kept on asking, "What aren't you telling me?"
"Chief," Kelly sighed and finally admitted, "He's not coping. He says he's going to figure it out. ... But I'm not so sure. His place is a mess."
Boden looked at Kelly and tried to hide his disappointment, "What about that fishing trip? Did he say yes?"
Severide just shook his head.
"Okay." Chief accepted this as an answer and wanted to know, „Are you going to take the furlough?"
"Maybe the day tomorrow would be good. I wanted to check in on him."
"You take as much time as you need. I've got you covered." Boden reassured his Lieutenant.
"Thanks, Chief. That means a lot. ... For Casey too."
Chief nodded. He leaned in closer to Kelly and whispered, "I have to ask you this." Severide looked puzzled by the Chief's sudden secrecy.
"Do I have to do something about it?" Severide raised his eyebrow. Boden carried on, "I mean, should I be getting him some help?"
Severide didn't know what to say. He knew Casey was in a dark place, but he didn't want to make it a big thing in the CFD.
"I don't know, Chief. I guess Casey prefers to stay under the radar of the CFD. You'll get him help, and it's official. He doesn't need a red flag in his record right now."
Boden bowed his head, "Yes. That's what I thought. … So, how 're we gonna fix that?"
"I'll go over to his, tomorrow. Try, talking to him again." Severide suggested.
"Yeah. You do that!" Chief clapped him on his back while hushing a glimpse of Brett from his corner of the eye, "And maybe I reach out to Dr Charles from Med. See if he can give us a hint."
Severide didn't look pleased with that, "You think that's a good idea, Chief? There's going to be paperwork nonetheless."
"Nah! This one's off the record. Trust me. He did help me once before."
Both men sat in silence after that little talk concerning their friend and colleague. Both were worried and angsty about what was lying ahead of them. But at least they had something similar to a plan.
It was still dark outside as Casey woke up. He felt unrested, even if he slept, for what seemed to be hours. Matt looked at the watch at his TV-set. His eyes had to focus before he could read the numbers with a clear vision. 05:39. He sighed and sat up.
His view instantly caught the sight of the envelope still lying on the table. With shaky hands, he reached for it, and with a quick motion, he ripped it open.
He took in a deep breath before he searched thru the lines.
Divorce Application Form was written in bold letters. Despite his vision getting blurry, because of tears threatening to fall, he kept on reading. There were a few points listed he didn't understand, and he didn't care about them, at all. Insurance, Money, Property, everything had its place in this document. Number five caught his attention more than the others. It read, "Together we have no infant, or dependent children and the wife is not pregnant."
It felt wrong and unfair to him. He thought about Louie and his own reluctance at first to take him in. Matt wondered if, at that time, his subconscious had tried to save him from the pain of losing someone again. By all means, this possibility had been a cloud shadowing this whole adoption process from the start. He knew if he would get involved with this little boy it meant, maybe getting hurt later on. And he did get hurt. It took him a tremendous effort to get past this tragedy. But he hoped and wished for Louie all the best and happiness in the world, which Matt apparently wasn't able to get. He knew that a child belongs to its birth parents and its whole family. Louie had the opportunity to get raised by his father; he would never have been able to compete with that.
He remembered the time he took Ben and Griffin in. He had lost Hallie at that time and these two boys, without being aware of, helped him a great deal to admire life again. Gabby had been massive support at that time. To be honest, he didn't know what he was doing most of the time, but she had it all figured out. She was a natural mum. Exactly she knew what these two boys needed. She took care of them and him. Without a doubt, she saved him back then, now it killed him, as he discovered her signature on the end of this form.
It literally felt like a stab in his heart. He could feel it stumble. Beat by beat it seemed to get heavier.
He saw that she checked the box, which said she didn't want to attend a hearing or that she needed a lawyer. Another stab to his heart.
He couldn't get past the fact that she didn't want to see him at all. He, for his part, was desperate to see her, to talk to her. He wanted nothing more in the world than to hold her, hug her and never let her go. He didn't know when and why he messed things up with her so badly that she tried to avoid him at any costs. He wondered if he had broken her heart as well.
He knew he had hurt her by going behind her back, regarding the adoption agency. But what was he supposed to do? He couldn't lose her by getting her pregnant. It would have been his fault if she died giving birth to their child. He knew he wouldn't have been able to live with that kind of guilt. Now it was his fault she left for Puerto Rico, and in the end, he lost her, after all.
It felt like he was trapped in a vicious circle. Always making the wrong move, still messing things up, even if he had the right intentions. He was stuck and didn't find a way out.
Casey had felt desperate and lost in his life before, but now it seemed like he was at his end.
He let the document fall on the table. He placed his head in his hands and tried to stop himself from crying out loud. He squinted his eyes as hard until he could see little light spots started to dance in the dark. His mind was spinning, and he could feel how panic threatened to consume him again. His breathing hitched. Matt tried desperately to find control over his emotions again. He absently rubbed his aching shoulder, and as he felt a sting of pain, he began to push harder. The wound beneath the bandage screamed in agony, but so did Casey's mind. His body threatened to give in, and Matt almost came to the verge of fainting. He then let go of his shoulder and sat in silence to wait for the pain to subside.
After a while, he lifted himself up on unsteady legs and made his way into the kitchen. He wanted to grab a beer, but as he opened the fridge, he settled for the vodka instead.
He needed his brain badly to shut down. He needed to get wasted, in order to see clear again. Sometimes in life, you need to reboot yourself, he thought. Nothing's better than alcohol to knock yourself out. He required the bliss of total indifference. He simply had to forget.
And he began to drink. With every sip he took, his brain started to rest, and his thoughts began to slow down. He walked in the clouds of lightheartedness, while his heart, in fact, felt heavy.