Suffering
It's been a few days since the whole hospital thing.
Things are getting better.
I think.
I don't know.
Kai got back together with Skylor.
She apperantly begged him.
And he apperantly agreed.
It sucks.
Thinking I would actually have someone who loved me.
Things are getting worse for me, I guess.
Jay just bought a new game console, and Cole finally learned how to make good food.
I'm in my room, locked away again.
No one noticed.
I trace my finger over my cuts and sigh.
Why hadn't that thing just kill me?
Im already weak enough.
And I look ugly enough.
You're so stupid.
That voice again.
The voice that sounded so much like Morro's.
Was it Morro's?
Morro was dead, I'm sure.
When will you learn to just know that everyone hates you?
Everyone does hate me.
They just do a good job hiding it.
You should've died right then. Why did you fight back?
I think my only purpose in this world is just to give people something to hate.
And that's me.
Who would love someone like me?
God damnit.
I miss him so damn much.
He just left.
I miss his calming voice, telling me that I'm worth it.
I miss his soft, warm lips.
I miss his messy hair.
I miss... Him.
Its different now.
I still love him.
I love him so fucking much.
I love the way he would mess up my hair.
I love the way he would just talk about anything or everything.
Its different now.
He spends so much time with Skylor, I think he forgot about me.
Kai, the person I cared about the most, left me for a much more intelligent, smart, beautiful, amazing person.
Im not sad.
Im proud that he atleast has someone he could love, rather than always having to deal with my depression.
At least he doesn't have to feel the pain I feel.
I was texting Skylor.
Kai: Hey ^_^
Skylor: Hey babe! =3
Kai: I missed you so much (O3O)
Skylor: Aw, I miss you too! Guess what? Im coming over next week!
Kai: Really? ヽ(^。^)ノ
Skylor: Yup! Oh, shoot I gtg .·´¯`(*▂*)´¯`·.
Kai: See ya! =3
I sigh and hit my head on my pillow.
Skylors coming next week.
I look over at my wall, which on the other side is Lloyd's room.
I regret coming back to her.
I really do.
But I can't just leave.
that would hurt her feelings.
But I miss him.
Why do I miss him?!
He was probably just joking, anyway.
But he kissed me.
God damnit, he kissed me!
His lips were soft and it felt like we were on fire, but in a good way.
God, it felt so good.
Whenever me and Skylor kissed, I never felt that.
What the hell is going on?
I need to get my mind off things.
I get off my bed and walk to the kitchen, trying my best not to look at Lloyd's locked door.
Hes been in there for days.
Its all my fault.
I promised him.
But I broke my promise.
I've been crying for a while now.
It's dark in my room.
Besides the sun shining through my curtain, it's dark.
It's one of those cries where you can't get any noise out.
No whimper.
No sound at all.
Ive been like that for a while now.
It helps me pretend that nothing is wrong.
Theres so much wrong.
I hear someone knock on my door.
I take a shaky breath.
"Lloyd?"
It was Kai.
Of course it was.
"What is it?" I ask, my voice coming out raspy.
Ive found that being rude made me not think about love as much.
The best way to pretend you're fine is to pretend you don't have any feelings.
"Uh..." I could sense his unsureness. (wait, is that a word?) "I just wanted to let you know that Skylor is coming over next week."
Well, fucking great.
"Oh."
Of course. Skylor is gonna come and have fun with Kai. That's what people always do nowadays, right?
"Is that um... Ok with you?"
"Of course not." I wanted to say that to him. I really did. I fought the urge.
"Yeah. Whatever. I don't care. It's not like she'd want to see me anyways. I'll just be in my room like I always am."
"Ok..." Kai says, and by the tone of his voice, I think he was sad.
Why would he be sad?
He had an amazing girlfriend and he's not experiencing depression.
I hear him sigh. "Im sorry.."
I wanted to say something. I really did. But... Nothing.
Nothing came out of my mouth.
I hear him walk away.
Great.
I look over at my closet and the massive arrays of dull green overpowering my old, but still vibrant light green clothes.
Here we go again.
I take a deep breath and start getting dressed. I put on a black t-shirt that I found and a dark green hoodie. I pull the hood all the way up on my head so that no one could see my eyes.
I put on black pants and black shoes, stomping out of my room.
Here we go.
I was just about to open the front door when Cole interrupted me.
"Where are you going?" He asks.
I breath in.
"The usual." I say, before my voice cracked. "Y'know, just the usual place where everything is so happy and cheerful."
I didn't want to say anything. I couldn't.
I walk out of the bounty and slammed the door shut.
I start running.
Downtown.
Bar.
Thats it.
I run for a while before reaching a bar. I walk in and pull my head up, realizing everyone there was way older than me. Well, not way. But kinda way.
I sit on a barstool.
"Strongest one." I order, putting my head down.
I hear the bartender chuckle. (OK GUYS DONT JUDGE ME OK IVE NEVER BEEN TO A BAR BEFORE IRL SO DONT JUDGE PLS ;-;)
"You sure kid? I don't think you should be drinking here."
I roll my eyes and let out an impatient sigh. "I've been here at least 14 times a month. Get real."
I finally get my drink and I chug it down.
Bitter.
Bitter, but it felt good.
Here you go again. Drinking away your problems.
I ignore the voice and order for another drink.
I order 6 more drinks, chugging it faster and faster each time.
My head hurt like hell, but I'm not stopping.
I felt drowsy, but who even gives a fuck?
A few drinks after that, I got kicked out.
No surprise. They always kick me out after I stayed there for a certain amount of time.
I hiccup and start walking around the city of Ninjago aimlessly, tripping over the cracks in the sidewalk.
I started to walk farther away from the bounty, but to no avail.
I was just about to walk into the bounty, but decided to swerve around it and go past it, not going into it.
By then, I just looked like I was lost or something.
I hiccup and trip Over the grass. Who does that?!
As I struggle to stand up, I felt two strong hands grip me by my shoulders.
Immedietly, I widen my eyes and start trying to squirm away.