The Logical Choice
Chapter Fourteen
Word Count: 6,582
Rating/Warning/Summary: Same as chapter one
Author's Note: The end of this I knew was coming, and I knew why it was going to happen, but I hadn't been able to connect other dots along its path for a long time. It needed to come at a time when certain things were settled, and not before, as that wasn't the point, though if I am honest, this story got well off track, so... everything is a bit different from planned. This really was meant as a romantic comedy type thing where they fell in love over him being the logical choice of donor, but... this happened instead. I can't say if it's better or worse, just... different.
I do think Kent's mom was pretty awesome here, though. Mostly.
Chapter Fourteen
"What is it? That's quite the expression you're making."
Kokoa tried to force a smile for Ayeka. She didn't want to admit that she was dodging her parents' phone calls, had been all afternoon and evening, ever since they got back from the hospital. She could feel her phone vibrating again, but she refused to answer. She didn't want to hear them tell her she shouldn't have had Naiken arrested yesterday. She wouldn't hear it.
He had to be locked away, or Kent wasn't safe. That… Kokoa wouldn't let anything happen to him. She couldn't. He meant too much to her, and he didn't deserve to hurt anymore. He had enough problems without her making it worse.
"It is illogical to think the things you wish to avoid will not happen if you simply do not answer the phone," Ayeka said, and Kokoa grimaced only to stare in disbelief as the other woman pressed the button and took the call. "Yes, this is Ayeka Mizutani speaking. I am legal counsel for Kokoa. Please state your business, or I may have to file charges for harassment."
"What? Give me my phone. I—Ayeka, don't—my parents won't—I'll get Kent—"
"Is that so? Does this mean you have reconsidered your position and are withdrawing all support? Because if it is not, I assure you, you need not bother calling back. Your daughter deserves better than that, and as her legal adviser, I would not accept anything less. Of course, I do have a personal stake in it as the friend of your daughter who was assaulted is my son, and I assure you, if you do support this Naiken, you will face me and all I can bring to bear in court. I do not take threats to my family's safety lightly. Kent is my only child after all, and it has been consistently observed how mothers in the wild will rise to the defense of their offspring. It is a natural biological imperative, and I am a lawyer. That is a dangerous combination, trust me."
Kokoa winced. "Ayeka, please—"
"Excellent. Then I believe I can allow you a short conversation with my client."
Kokoa accept the phone from the smiling Ayeka—Kent's mother was something to see as a lawyer—scary, even, and she knew she never wanted to be on Ayeka's bad side. Ever. "Hello?"
"You had a lawyer deal with us? How could you?"
Kokoa sighed. "You didn't just lie to Ayeka and tell her what you thought she wanted to hear, did you? Because I'm starting to think the intimidating side of Kent comes from her, and I can see why Toma admires her so much as a lawyer and why Kent warned the detectives that they'd regret going up against her because she strikes fear into the hearts of other lawyers and… Tell me you didn't lie to her. You can't honestly be supporting Naiken after he attacked us, can you? He would have killed Kent. I'm sure of it. And Kent was just being kind, a good friend… he didn't deserve that."
"We heard from Shin and Toma and their parents. They all told us about Naiken."
Kokoa balled a fist, furious. "So you can believe them and not me? Is that it? Because Shin and Toma told you what he did, it's true, but me telling you is a lie?"
"At any rate," her father went on, ignoring her question. "The ceremony could not happen with him in jail, and the papers were not signed. He has not been formally adopted yet."
She wanted to be relieved, but she was still angry and hurt. It shouldn't have taken Shin and Toma and their parents to get hers to listen to her. "I don't know that this is enough. You should have believed me. It shouldn't take someone else to convince you that I'm telling the truth."
"Kokoa—"
"Don't. Please. I… I will say something I may not mean because this still hurts too much, so I just… I'm glad you didn't go through with it. I'm not going to change my position—if you do go through with it when he's out of jail, I won't—I won't be your daughter. I can't be. And I wish that meant more to you, but it doesn't seem to, so… I think we have nothing more to say."
She ended the call and shuddered.
Ayeka took hold of her hands, and she looked up at the other woman in surprise. "Traditionally, the woman is adopted into the man's family. That is why daughters are seen as very little value, though it is far from true. We have biological functions no man can claim, and in the end, that power still matters to many. My point is… you do not have to rely on your birth family alone. Others are available to you. And you are most welcome here."
Kokoa blinked, tears spilling down her cheeks as she tried to control herself. She didn't think Ayeka was someone who hugged, and she could tell that the other woman was trying to comfort her, but it wasn't enough.
She heard a noise and looked over through her blurry vision to see one of the men in the doorway. She wanted to run to Kent, but if it was Daichi, it would be awkward, and she couldn't really tell right now what anything was.
"I apologize. Father seems to be getting tired again, and I thought it best to check on dinner."
Oh, it was Kent. That was good. And bad. How much had he heard?
"Kokoa?"
"They didn't have the ceremony," she said, reaching for him anyway. "But… it wasn't because they believe me. They believe Shin and Toma and their parents… not me. I… I can't… I don't think I can ever go back..."
Kent put his hand on her head, and that was warm and oh so soothing she didn't want him to move it. "It is good the ceremony did not go through and he was not adopted. It is foolish on your parents' part to need validation from other sources instead of you, and it may be that the only reason they did not promise more was their own need to see the truth of Naiken's actions for themselves. That is no comfort to you, of course, but that does not mean they will go through with it, either. And if they do, you have other options. Not pleasant ones, for the most part, but that does not mean they do not exist."
"I… Yes..."
"I know you get little comfort from that as well, but I tend to apply logic to any situation first, and that may seem cold but to me, there is always a bit of relief in knowing that analysis can bring other options forward that I did not see and—"
"Your logic… it is strangely comforting. Or maybe that's just your voice. Or your touch… I don't know. I just… thank you, Kent."
"I've fed your father, and he does seem quite tired," Ayeka said, and Kent looked up at her, wondering exactly how much time had passed while he was still holding Kokoa. She had been very unsettled by that phone call, even if most of it was good news. The ceremony not going through was the best outcome she could hope for, and while it did sound like her parents had not grown any wiser, at least for now, Naiken could not use his status as mukoyoshi against her.
"Oh. I… I'm so sorry, Kent. I didn't finish dinner, and I didn't—"
"It was nearly done when the call came. Do not fret. I simply turned it off and served it to Daichi, who enjoyed it, so do not let him tease you later about it not being as good as Kent's," Ayeka said, a bit of a smile on her face. "However, I do need to borrow Kent for a few minutes."
Kent knew she was worried about his father making the walk to their bedroom. He eased himself out from under Kokoa and rose. "You should go change and lie down as well, Mother."
She nodded. "I will. I just want to see to it that Daichi is in bed first."
He hated how stubborn she was sometimes. He rubbed at his neck as he followed her into the other room, where his father sat, his eyes closed as he leaned back in his chair. "Ah, she's fussing again."
"You almost fell asleep during dinner," Ayeka said. "I am not fussing. I do not fuss. That is illogical. Let our son help you to bed."
Kent went to his father's side. Daichi pushed back his chair and stood, taking a moment to get his balance. "I am fine. This is a bit excessive. I'm doing much better with this thing at my side. I believe they should have sent me home with it from the start. I am far less fatigued than usual."
"She said you fell asleep during dinner."
"Almost fell asleep, and while your girlfriend has some skill in cooking, the food lacked your usual spice, that bit of extra you've found that enhances the flavor every time, even if only in the most subtle ways. I always look for that in the meals, and hers lacked it. Quite boring."
"I see. I do not think you should mention that to her. She will not understand and think she must cook for you again to atone for it."
"I would not mind that."
"Stop trying to matchmake us. It will not happen." Kent did not want to speak on this matter further. He felt quite certain he knew what Kokoa's answer would be now that she was free of the threat of her ex-husband, and it was not something he needed to hear. He could deal with the matter without having that confrontation and becoming just another one of many friends she rejected.
"You don't know that. She seems to rely on you a great deal."
Kent turned on the light and led his father toward the bed. "Reliance is not love."
"Nevertheless, you should ask. You cannot know unless you test. You know this. It is the most basic foundation of the scientific method."
Kent shook his head. "One does not need to test questions one already knows the answer to. Now both of you need to rest."
"As do you. And you need food. You cannot care for us alone. You must see to your own needs. And Kent… you may well need her."
"That is absurd, and both of you know better than that. Now go to sleep."
"Is everything okay? You… sighed pretty heavily when you came back out here."
Kent looked at her, and she almost regretted asking. She didn't think he wanted to answer. Were things with his parents that bad again? Why had the hospital released them, then? Should they take them back over there? She didn't want to think they were going to die right now or anything like that.
"They persist in seeing things their way regardless of the truth. It is… unlike them, but I suppose even rational people get irrational in the face of their own impending death," Kent said, shaking his head. "That, and I am quite tired."
"Oh. I should let you rest, then."
He frowned at her. "You do not—that sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself not to ask me something rather than you actually feel that way. What is it?"
She felt even worse knowing he'd seen right through her. "It's stupid, actually. I… I still don't want to be alone, even though I know better. Naiken's in jail, and you should be able to sleep in your bed for a change, not… um… I mean..."
"I could sit in the other chair for a while, until you do fall asleep, if that would help. I'm afraid I'm not quite… ready to attempt sleep, as I have some reading I need to do, but I do not mind doing it near you if that would help."
She nodded. "Yes, please. I'd like that. I… I should be ready to go back home tomorrow, but after that phone call… I still don't feel… It's hard to settle down, and every time I start thinking again, I feel… It hurts all over again. I still don't understand why I'm not enough. What did I do that is so wrong?"
"I believe it more to be a fault in them," Kent said, sitting down in the other chair and picking up a book from the table next to him. "Any child is a chance to pass along genetics and satisfy biological imperatives. Male or female should have no bearing on their worthiness as either is capable of carrying on that legacy. It is a byproduct of society to believe that the female sex has less value, and while less people believe that now than before, it still has some hold on even those of us who consider ourselves enlightened."
"Not you," she said as she laid down on the couch, already feeling a bit better just listening to him.
"Ah, there I cannot agree. You will note that I do have some tendencies toward believing women should not handle certain tasks nor be exposed to sensitive images or talk."
She supposed that was true. "You're not a jerk about it, though. You never have been, and you don't act like we're all incapable of doing anything but have babies. You believe we have minds and can reason. You may be protective, but not smothering. You would spare us unpleasant things, too, and that's kindness… if a little condescending."
He shook his head. "You need not flatter me. I am aware I do not know how to treat women properly or with any genuine level of sensitivity."
"You're just fine with me."
He flushed. "I… That is different. We have already established a certain level of rapport and friendship that makes our relations far less awkward than most."
"You're adorable," she said, flushing herself when that came out of her mouth. She shouldn't say that, even if she did think it was true. He was, actually, quite sweet and his awkwardness was endearing at times.
"I am not. I thought you were going to sleep."
"I… Would you mind reading aloud? Your voice is… very soothing."
"More like monotonous and pitched at such a frequency as to help alpha waves put you into a relaxed state, but I suppose that would help. Very well." Kent cleared his throat and began to read. "'The interpretation of many-worlds in quantum physics is said to originate with Hugh Everett's thesis, the Theory of Universal Wavefunction, though it was largely ignored for the following decade until the work of Bryce DeWitt. DeWitt's use of many-worlds became more popular than...'"
The cafe was quieter than usual today, which was a bit nice, as Kokoa could stay at the counter and watch Ikki and Kent in the kitchen, which didn't happen often—Ikki's fan club tended to swarm the place whenever they could, and Ikki was almost always working, not able to do more than a bit of teasing as he passed by anyone. Kokoa knew there was some sort of mandatory event at one of the schools, so that helped thin things out, and she had time to do her prep work while she waited for someone else to come in.
The quiet was a bit strange, which made her want to stay close to Kent and Ikki, not sure she understood half of their discussion but enjoying the sound of their voices all the same. Ikki was never unpleasant to listen to, not when he wasn't flirting with his fan club, but Kent's voice had something to it, too, always so intelligent and knowing.
"If you factored it off individual decisions, the amount of worlds would be infinite, right?" Ikki asked, leaning back against the counter. He reached for something in the pan, and Kent hit his hand with the ladle. "Ouch."
"Do not touch the food. How long have you worked in a restaurant and you don't know that? Even with the gloves, that's unacceptable."
Ikki sighed. "Having you cook is like torture, you know? It always smells so good, and I can't wait to try it. Especially when it's a new recipe like this."
"Behave, Ikkyu. Why are you asking about parallel universes? Is this an actual scientific discussion or something to do with a ridiculous farce of a television show?"
"It's an anime, but that doesn't mean it doesn't raise interesting questions. If you think about each decision we make spawning a new world—"
"There must be some limits to that, as any decisions based on the action of someone who does not exist or who has ceased to exist in an alternate timeline would not happen. So at some point, the 'endless' amount of decisions is actually somewhat finite in that sense because the elimination of certain elements would profoundly alter the original world and any spawning from it. Not, of course, that one could assume that it is our choice alone that dictates a given universe, however, it would make sense that some decisions could alter the generation of alternate worlds because those catalysts would not exist in every dimension."
Kokoa blinked, not sure she understood half of what Kent had just said. So there were limits to something that seemed limitless? Or was he wrong about that?
"That's kind of the point. If you were to continue to eliminate the catalysts—the people—would there still be alternate worlds forming? And if there is, what does spawn them? Not only that, but how much damage is done when a catalyst dies?"
Kent stopped stirring. "In some sense, I suppose, that could lead to a complete shut down of all worlds, not just one. Is that the concept of this show?"
"Yes."
"Interesting."
Kokoa thought it sounded scary and a bit horrifying. Was it real? Could that happen if people stopped existing? Like if one world suffered a catastrophic loss of life, it could destroy others?
"You know that Everett argued that not having a living observer did not invalidate the theory. If one applies psycho-physical parallelism to the concept, then mechanical observers could still maintain the existence of the other wavefunctions and the many worlds."
"Ah, but I've got you thinking now. You want to watch this show, don't you?"
"I never said that."
"But you want to know what they do that threatens the existence of the entire multiverse, right?"
Kent sighed. "Maybe."
"Ha. I know what we're doing after work today."
"I did not say that we were going to do anything of the sort. I have research I should be working on for my presentation."
"I have the whole series on temporary loan. This is almost a once in a lifetime opportunity."
"Ikkyu—"
"Can I see it?" Kokoa heard herself ask, and when they both looked at her, she felt herself go red. She had not meant to say anything, and now they knew she'd been listening to them, and that was so rude and wrong. Why had she drawn attention to herself like that? "I… sorry. I couldn't help hearing part of that, and while I was confused, it's fascinating, too."
"See? I told you." Ikki grinned at Kent, seeming validated by her interest. Then he turned to her. "I suppose we could just watch it by ourselves. The two of us. That would be cozy."
She stared at him, not sure how to react. Of course she knew his reputation, even if he couldn't use his eyes on her. She was just his special friend, like Rika, but she was the one that made it sound like she wanted more. Inviting herself to something where she'd be basically alone with him was a really bad idea. She must seem like any old member of the fan club now, desperate to be at Ikki's side.
"Oh. No. Ikki, I… I don't think I could. If Kent was there, and the three of us watched it, maybe, but I… It wasn't a date. You're a good friend, but I just wanted to see the show, especially after Kent mentioned psycho-physical parallelism because we were discussing that in my psychology class. It was… well, people were using that to argue that psychology is a real science, which I know Kent disagrees with and—"
"I never said that. I would argue that the application you suggest is being made in error. Defending psychology on the basis of statistics is a better foundation, since statistics have mathematical proof behind them, even if that can be subjective as well based on sample size and who collects the data and why, however—"
"Ken, tangent."
He sighed again. "I am aware I asked you to keep me from using them in the presentation so that I do not lose focus, but you do not have to point out every time I have one when speaking."
"Sure I do."
Kokoa giggled, and they both looked at her. They were so funny together, though she knew better than to say that, too. "Sorry."
"My answer is still no," Kent said, shaking his head as he turned back to his cooking. "I have far too much work to do."
"I wish he'd said yes to that."
"To what?" Kent asked, looking down at Kokoa. He'd thought she was still asleep when he came into the room, and he'd intended to go into the kitchen and prepare some coffee before he took her to her apartment, but then she'd spoken.
He didn't know what she was talking about or who, but that was only more reason to ask, wasn't it? He would be curious to no good purpose unless he did, and he did not need her occupying more of his thoughts than she already was.
"To watching that anime. I never did get to see it," Kokoa said. Then she sat up abruptly and looked at him in surprise. "Oh. I… Sorry. I'm… I guess I was remembering Meido No Hitsuji… Not sure why, but that conversation you and Ikki had about parallel worlds and that anime came back."
"Which one? We had several, considering he battled rather relentlessly to get me to watch it and then we had more debating it after we'd both seen all the episodes."
"Oh, um..." She reddened. "The one before you saw them all where you refused to watch them even though I asked to see them, too, and I didn't want to watch them alone with Ikki—we were only friends then. I hadn't agreed to date him. I was interested in what you mentioned about psycho-physical parallelism—we'd discussed that in my class—and I… why are you looking at me like that?"
"It seems an odd thing to remember now, of all times."
She frowned. "Weren't you reading about it last night?"
"Oh. You did hear more of that than the first paragraph. I had thought you were already asleep by then." He'd been able to close the book and go upstairs relatively quickly after starting to read, as her eyes had closed and she did not respond to his questions. "Well, yes. I suppose I did, so… Never mind. That is reasonable."
"Is something wrong?"
Kent shook his head. "No. Nothing's wrong. We should probably head to your apartment now."
She looked down at her hands, twisting them together. "I… I suppose it's silly to say I don't want to go, isn't it? Stupid, even. I know Naiken's been arrested. He won't be able to find me there even if he knows where I live."
"You were still worried about him having caused damages there."
She nodded. "Yes. That, too."
"If that is the case, we will attend to it, though that is all the more reason to leave earlier to have sufficient time to deal with it. Not that I want to rush you, but it would be more practical. In that sense, at least. I… I'm going to go make some coffee. You take as long as you need to prepare yourself." Kent hesitated, reluctant to leave her alone on the couch, but the more he gave into his weakness concerning her, the worse it would be when she did finally did separate herself from his life.
He forced himself to leave, going into the kitchen. He would make some coffee and then ensure her apartment was safe. That would be the end of everything.
And he was fine with that. He was. He did not need further complications to his life. He had enough to worry about with his parents' health.
He crossed to the kitchen, thinking he may have heard her move after all. He did not want to look back and confirm that. He took the pot off the coffeemaker and started filling it with water.
"How are your parents?" Kokoa asked, stopping in the doorway to the kitchen. "Any change? Or… they're still okay, right?"
He nodded. He hadn't examined either of them too closely, not wanting to wake them, but he'd made sure they were still breathing. His father seemed to be doing better, and his mother resting properly should help her condition.
"Oh. That's good."
"It would seem to be, yes."
"I… I suppose I should get ready."
"Yes."
She left, and he felt even more awkward than usual. He did not know how to be otherwise. They had to have distance. The closeness forced upon them by her ex-husband and the emergency with his parents, that was over, and it needed to end. Better now than prolonging it.
He was only a friend to her, and he did not know that even that was accurate, but he did know that she was not interested in him as a lover. It was his responsibility to see to it that his feelings, whatever they were, did not become as warped as Naiken's had.
Kent would take her home. And that was the end of it.
Kokoa bit her lip and looked at Kent again. He hadn't said much since they left. She had even asked if he was sure his parents were all right because he seemed so… off, but he insisted they were fine and then got quiet again. Something was bothering him, she knew it was, but he clearly didn't intend to tell her what it was.
Maybe it was something she did. Was he upset by her asking him to read last night? He hadn't seemed to be, and she knew he'd slept in his own bed for a change, so he should be well rested, so it wasn't just him being tired. Was it because she'd stayed again? Or was it about how she'd clung to him after Naiken's attack?
No, wait, was it because of what she'd done after her parents called? That had been rather pathetic of her, hadn't it?
She knew it wasn't just because he was driving. He'd managed other conversations before, even if those were with his parents.
"Kent, I—"
"Is this the correct building?"
She looked over at the apartment building that was her home. She wanted to deny for some reason. An excuse to stay with him? To avoid being alone? Or was she just scared of what she might find in her apartment? "Yes."
"Then I believe we should go in."
She sighed, wishing she knew how to get Kent to talk to her. He did talk, often, and on many different subjects, but on this one, whatever it was, he was silent, and it bothered her. She was worried and also hurt, not that she should be. Kent didn't owe her an explanation for everything, but she wanted to understand. She wanted to help.
"Do you want to get rid of me?"
Startled, Kent stared at her. "What? Why would you ask that?"
"You… Something is different. And I almost feel like… did I do something to make you mad? Or have I upset you somehow?"
"No. I may be preoccupied, but I am not mad at you. We do not have a lot of time, so I think it best we go see the situation with your apartment. The university has assured me I can hold classes today. I do not want to be late."
She nodded, though she didn't feel all that reassured. She opened the car door and got out, shutting it behind her and trying to prepare herself to go inside. She watched Kent come around to her side, swallowing and feeling her stomach twist up when she realized how much distance he kept between them compared to the last few days when she'd been so close to him.
He frowned at her. "What is it?"
She shook her head. She didn't feel up to explaining, though her chest felt tight and she wanted to ask him about it anyway. He had to be mad at her, wasn't he?
They walked up to the door, and she used her code to get in. Kent held the door open for her, but it still felt off and wrong as he did. She didn't know that she wanted to take the elevator even if she was a bit tired and didn't want to do the stairs. That uncomfortable silence in another closed space was making her panic.
"Which floor?"
"Third." She let him press the button for the elevator and followed him into it. He selected the floor and the doors closed behind them. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She wanted answers but couldn't ask for them. She didn't even know what had happened to make things so awkward.
The doors chimed on the third floor, and she stepped out, digging in her pocket for her keys. She should be glad to be home, but she wasn't. How was it that this somehow didn't feel like home anymore? She'd only been gone from it for a few days, and yes, it didn't feel safe with Naiken likely knowing where it was, but when she thought of home…
She winced, shaking that thought off and shoving her key in the door, opening it with a bit more harshness than necessary. She stopped and looked around. "It's… everything's fine. It's… It's a mess because I left for work in a hurry that morning, but… he didn't touch it. Nothing's broken, I don't see anything missing..."
"This is nothing missing?" Kent asked, frowning again. "You do not seem to have much furniture. Is that a style choice? Or is it because of the divorce?"
"The divorce. I… I didn't take anything with me. I couldn't. I just bought the basics moving in. I always planned on having more, but… it wasn't really necessary, and I… I don't know. It's less for him to have ruined or taken, and I… I don't know that I want to stay here, either. I should move, even if breaking the lease will be expensive."
"I… Yes. You may wish to shower and change here. Excuse me."
"You're leaving? Don't go."
Kent stopped. "I should think having me in your apartment when you were involved in such things would be… problematic, at best. Inappropriate as well. I can wait in the car."
She flinched. "Oh. You just meant you'd go to the car."
"It would not be fair to make you late by denying you transportation. I simply meant to give you privacy."
She nodded. "Yes. Of course. Thank you."
Kent was aware of the silence as he parked the car in the faculty parking lot. He had not found any words since Kokoa rejoined him in the car at her building, and he did not have any now. He could not think of any way of expressing the thoughts within his head without exposing too much, and he would rather say nothing.
He got out of the car, taking out his phone and checking the message from earlier. He needed to know what alternate location they'd selected for his classroom. If he had time, he would gather some things from his office, but if not, that would have to wait until he had a break.
The room they suggested was not far from his assigned classroom, so he could head straight for his office. He did, walking away from the car and out toward the main campus.
"Kent?"
He stopped and turned back to see her standing there, and the outfit he'd paid no attention to before now unsettled him. Had she chosen that on purpose? Surely it did not suit teaching—that was meant for some kind of social occasion, wasn't it?
"We really shouldn't linger. I checked on my classroom and—"
"I can't. I tried to tell myself I could, but I can't concentrate on teaching if I can't stop wondering what I did to make you mad at me."
Kent sighed. He did not want to explain, but he had no choice. Lying would hardly help, especially if he was as bad at it as his father always claimed. "I told you. I am not mad at you."
"You have to be. You're acting so distant and almost cold, and I can tell you don't want to be cold, but you have to be, or that's how you're acting and I don't—just tell me what I did so I can fix it."
"It is not your fault."
"You say that, but… it's not your parents. You wouldn't be here if they were that bad. You'd be at home with them. So what is it? What did I do?"
He considered his words carefully. "Are you still feeling threatened by Naiken? Do you have that same desperation to oppose his adoption that led you to consider marriage and a child?"
"I... No. Yes. I… I haven't felt the same desperate need for a baby with all that's going on, but I still want one. And I'm still worried about Naiken, but I… I realized that even if he did try to use my parents' company against me, I'm not afraid of it anymore. I know they're my parents, but they would be making the choice to allow him in, and even if he tried… I don't feel like I owe them anything anymore. I don't have to let Naiken use that against me because… I don't care what he does. I mean, I would feel a bit guilty—a lot guilty—but I won't let him blackmail me. I'm done letting him terrorize me. I had him arrested, I'll pursue the charges as much as I can, and I will find other ways to keep him away if I have to. And it may be a long time before I can forgive my parents."
"Understandable."
"And I know your parents are doing better, so there's not the same push for marriage as there was when it looked like maybe they were both dying."
"Also true."
She frowned. "Why are you asking that? Are you now trying to tell me not to have a child? That… it's my choice. Maybe I do need to adopt, and maybe I will, but that's not for you to tell me to do or not do or anything of the sort just because I asked to be a donor."
Kent grimaced, turning away. "Forget it. Just go to your class."
"No. Tell me what's wrong. I want to know."
"No. You don't."
"Of course I do. I want to understand what happened and fix it and—"
"You can't. You can't just change everything and tell me that you now are capable of returning these unwanted feelings when time has proven you're not, and you do not want to hear them any more than I want to voice such unreasonable sentiments and impossible emotions so just stop asking. Leave it alone and let us both salvage some dignity from the situation."
She stilled, looking up at him with those wide, too innocent eyes of hers. "You… you're… you're not actually saying that..."
"I do not want to. I'd rather this was the product of the strange situation and the stress and nothing more, though Ikkyu believes I had feelings for you even back at Meido No Hitsuji. I do not know to be certain, and I do not wish to know. I was trying to use distance to—don't cry. I can't do this if you cry—I get an irrational need to hold you—and I have even wanted..." He reached over and touched her cheek, wiping away a tear. "I am not going to be like Naiken was. Or Shin. Or Toma. I am not… angry with you. I am angry with myself because I knew better and I do not feel things like this, but you must allow me some time to… to put these feelings aside."
She put her hand over his, closing her eyes. "I… I don't… You deserve better than me, Kent. Someone who isn't damaged and can love all the wonderful parts of you that I… I admire so deeply and… I want to love myself. I sometimes think I do… I know… I didn't want to go home today, that I thought… you were home, not anyone or anything else, but… I can't. I'm not..."
She pulled away and fled, running toward the gate at an alarming speed.
Kent cursed himself for upsetting her, and he ran after her, calling her name as he did. "Kokoa, wait! Stop! This isn't necessary."
She stopped at the sidewalk, looking back at him in misery, shaking her head as she did. He avoided some curious students as he walked up to her.
"You're upset. That's understandable, and I am not trying to—I think it best to go inside. You do not have to have my company as it is… less than desirable at present, but you should… this is hardly the place for this conversation. I… We can discuss this later. Somewhere else."
Too many of the students hurrying to class were paying attention now, some stopping to listen, others just glancing in their direction. This would not help matters any. If she became embarrassed and flustered, she might run again. He didn't want that. That was why he hadn't intended to say anything.
"Professor Mizutani!"
A student called out his name, and Kent turned to find that same odd student rushing up to him. He sighed. He needed to fix this other mess first.
He faced Kokoa again. "Please come back inside."
"I can't. Kent, you don't… It's all my fault. I should never have asked you for anything. I don't deserve it, and I… I ruin everything. I said I couldn't forgive him, but… I don't forgive myself, either."
"I know you don't. You're too quick to accept the blame for everything that goes wrong, but that does not mean that you should. I do not blame you."
"You should," she said, backing away from him. "You really should."
"Wait," Kent said only to have his own voice drowned out by someone else calling in a panic.
"Kokoa, don't—you're in the street—there's a car coming—Look out!"