Note From the Author: I just read all the comments and I love you all so much… I can't believe I left the fic for so long to begin with. I really can't. What was I thinking!? I have resolved to get myself firmly back on track with this. And in the interest of getting to the good parts faster, I am no longer trying to catalog all the activities of every single day.

In response to those who want more James: James is coming, don't worry! He's one of my very favorite characters and he will definitely get his share of time in the spotlight as well as a chance to rant long and hard about the darker aspects of piracy.

In response to those who want more Barbossa: I'll try, but their time on the Black Pearl is drawing near to its end, so after a couple more chapters not only will there be a distinct shortage of Barbossa for some time, the same will be the case for the entire crew, including Jack Sparrow himself, so the fangirls might need some sort of nutritional supplement to get through this period. I do promise that it will be pretty damn educational, funny, and interesting regardless.

In response to 'how did they keep healthy and clean and not all lose their teeth'?: Many of them didn't keep healthy or clean. A lot of people were sick all their lives or died from diseases that nowadays are considered normal and nonthreatening. As for their teeth, though there wasn't toothpaste, some people would use a clean twig to brush their teeth in those times. It doesn't sound too effective, but it sure beats nothing at all. Those who had all of their teeth (most children and young adults still did) probably had grins that were more ivory-to-yellow than pearly white.

Ummm, so what else to update you guys on? I got my driver's license and promptly got into my first accident, which was luckily very minor and no one was hurt, just a paint scratch on the other car because I parked too close and couldn't get out without scraping against them. So I got screamed and cursed at by Mexicans, who called the police and refused to give me their insurance information until the police had come and said that since it happened on private property (a parking lot), no police report could be filed. The whole thing is going to raise my insurance majorly and probably cost me about $500 outright, which I don't have, but if I play my cards right I may be able to borrow it from my boyfriend, who won't charge interest and may not even care if I don't pay him back. I know, lucky me. I was still panicking my butt off at the time, though. My best friend, who I'd been driving to the restaurant to celebrate her 21st birthday, thought it was hilarious. Oh well.

DISCLAIMER: The pirates belong to Disney, the characters belong to themselves, and the italicized text from "A Captain's Love," (one of the official University recognized worst POTC fanfics in existence, brought to my attention by an observant reader) belongs to writer Lea Summers. I do not recommend reading it as it can cause brain death, seizures, depression, and agonizing fury. The other fics referred to briefly by Abby- including the Beckett one, which believe me, you don't want to EVER read- are ALL out there and I have seen them. Sometimes the internet can be a truly terrible place, children.

Abby sat leaning against a barrel on the pier, thoughtfully examining her now scarred and callused hands in the midmorning sunlight.

Two weeks fighting, fishing, and working in the Tortuga shipyards did strange things to you. She felt like a different person than the Abby who had watched pirate movies and went to college and burned CDs online. This Abby could scale a mast, bargain with a rum runner in either English or Spanish, identify about twelve different kinds of cargo ship and deduce their weak spots, chart a course between two adjacent islands, and gut a fish without puking. This Abby ate more and drank quite a bit more alcohol and hadn't worried over the state of her hair or her socks for weeks. This Abby had been propositioned at the bar the previous night and instead of immediately retreating to rejoin her friends, had spent a moment considering the possibility of leading him to the alley behind the bar, knocking him unconscious, and taking his money.

She hadn't done it. But she'd considered it.

And she suspected she could have done it. While she was still barely competent at swordfighting, she'd found that she had some natural talent for fighting with other things. Pintel and Ragetti had talked Siren into a class teaching the students how to fight with whatever was at hand, which they firmly maintained was even more crucial than fencing skill and almost as useful as shooting. So far, the girls had learned how to shatter the neck of a bottle to a jagged edge for use in pub brawls (an important skill which, if done wrong, left you clutching the shards of the entire bottle), wrap up the opponent with a rope or chain, block sword attacks with a plank, use a chair as a shield against a charge, and knock the opponent unconscious with anything from a bucket to a rifle butt to a stocking filled with rocks or sand.

The pirates were having a fabulous time, gambling and fighting and disappearing overnight with ladies of ill-repute. To his lusters' dismay, Jack was no exception to this, and they could often be found in the small hours waiting around the hallway outside his cabin to make sure he came home safe. Abby's mindless lust after him had waned somewhat, partly because he was so damned oblivious to it and partly because she was beginning to suspect that it would be a miracle if he didn't have several venereal diseases by now. It was a very effectively lust-quenching thought. (Jack fangirls: Pleasedon'tkillme.)

On the following day, they would be leaving Tortuga and sailing out to sea for their practical midterm. There were various rumors as to what it would be, but so far all they knew was that it would involve fighting of some sort.

"What are you doin' out 'ere?" someone asked from behind her, making her jump. She scrambled to her feet and spun around, then let out a silent sigh of relief upon seeing that it was only Ragetti.

"Hiding from the Inquisition. Somebody got into Siren's cabin and 'borrowed' one of the books she brought over for herself from the 21st century."

Ragetti looked uncomfortable. "Ah. That would explain the screamin' then. And she still 'asn't found it, right?"

Abby flashed him a grin and pulled a paperback out of her shirt. "I'm hiding it for them. I wasn't on the ship when it was stolen, so I'm not under suspicion." She paused. Ragetti's good eye was focused somewhere behind her.

"If I was you, I'd put that away," he said very quietly. Abby quickly shoved it back in her shirt just as a hand grabbed her by the hair and yanked her to her feet.

"Give back. Now," said the voice of death behind her.

"Ow! Give back… give back what?" Abby asked innocently, sucking in her stomach and hoping the shape of the book didn't show under her shirt.

"My book." Siren glared.

"I don't have it," she lied, wincing as the grip on her hair tightened. "Ow. Owww! Stop!" Siren shook her by the hair a couple times, hard, and the paperback tumbled to the weathered wood of the pier. Abby's hair was abruptly released and the indignant student slumped to her knees on the deck, rubbing her scalp, as Siren snatched the book up and cradled it to her chest.

"You poor baby, did those evil students steal you? Did they? It's okay, I've got you back now," she said in a soft voice as if talking to a baby.

"Is it alive?" Ragetti asked hesitantly, his eye darting from her to Abby in confusion.

"It's a book." Siren told him as if this explained everything. "Bring her. She will be made an example of."

Three hours later, shackled in the brig, she threw down the sheaf of papers she had been holding in her lap and lunged at the door, thudding against it ineffectively and sliding to the floor, which was stained and grimy from… she didn't want to know what. Judging from her experience in here so far, she was guessing vomit.

"Done readin' yet?" came Anamaria's voice from the other side of the door.

"Noooo," she whined. "It's awful. I can't take any more. She's not even mortal now! And she's using telepathy to talk to her crew, who all have necklaces with pendants shaped like her!!! And-"

"Not my problem. Ye're not gettin' out without 'avin' read it, an' that's just the first of yer tasks."

"I don't want to know what the second is," Abby grumbled, shuddering as she picked the story back up.

My father fell in love with her as she did him. She was very powerful, she gave up her immortality for him. To be with him. She still had her voice and some powers of hers. But she was mortal. Five years after they married she got pregnant with me which was against the rules even for mortal sirens. She became more like an immortal siren, harsh, nasty, and unloyal. That was her consequence for being pregnant with me. One day she just left him leaving him a note saying she hated him. "

There was a long pause after she told everyone that explanation. "She did love him. I know it. Inside she knew it. But Davy. He became cold and heartless….Until he found out about me. "Aila said looking at the ground sadly. She looked back up to Jack staring at her with wide eyes. "What?" She said surprisingly calm.

"What happened to your mother? " He said.

"She died when I was just only nineteen. I don't even know how. "

"Did you know you were a siren when you met me? "

Aila looked at Jack. "No, I didn't. I found out at age twenty-one when a siren is legal age to use and know of her powers.".

"Aaaaaaagh!" Abby bashed her head against a wall. "The child of Davy Jones and an evil mortal/immortal siren is now of legal age to use her powers because she's twenty one?!… Anamaria, have you a scrap of mercy in your damned soul? This is terrible."

"A pirate doesn't steal from 'er shipmates, lass. Read the abomination an' be grateful it wasn't a whippin' ye won yerself."

Abby sighed. "At least a whipping would be over more quickly. Okay, let's say I did want to know. What's my second task after I finish reading this?"

Anamaria chuckled. "You have to write a plot summary."

"But THERE IS NO PLOT!!!"

Three hours later:

"My god, Abby! What did they do to you in there?" Koneka exclaimed, looking up as her fellow student staggered into the cabin, twitching, and fell limply onto the hammock, eyes glazed.

"They made me read…" Abby muttered. "Bad fanfics. So many bad fanfics. The half-siren daughter of Davy Jones. Two telepathic, teleporting sisters who appear on the Pearl with an anime character. The blonde, beautiful pirate goddess of the sea who used to be Davy Jones' girlfriend. Jack's identical twin sister, Jade; yes, I know identical twins are the same gender. The author didn't. A time-traveling psychic gypsy who sees Jack's future. And more. Bad more. More bad." She paused for a moment, a vague look on her face, then nodded. "Bad," she repeated to herself.

"Whoa.Where's Holly? Did they put her in the cell with you?" Nina asked. Holly had been the one to originally steal the book. Siren had found this out about an hour after Abby's capture and taken her down to the brig as well.

"Cell next to mine… heard the screams… and the gagging. Something about… a Beckett sex fic? Must have heard wrong. Give me a cookie please?" Abby looked at the other girls imploringly. "I really need a cookie."

"Er… will hardtack do? The cookies, well, they had chocolate chips in them and we left them out to cool," Grace said, glancing at Becca and Summer, who looked slightly ashamed of themselves. Becca surreptitiously wiped a smear of chocolate from her chin. Abby just moaned.

"Poor thing, I'll make her something," Linsey said, shooting the afflicted one a sympathetic look as she left the cabin.

"Get something for Holly too," Angel suggested.

"Don't bother," Abby told the younger girl flatly. "If it really was a Cutler Beckett sex fic they made her read, she may never eat again."

Attention Please! This is your first assignment! The students of the university and, for that matter, anyone else who wants to join in the search, are asked to find characters killed for stupid reasons in badly written fics (whether they be on FFnet or elsewhere.) Provide me with a link or sufficient information (title of story and author name would be good) to find them. The one who finds me the most wrongfully slain people gets a.) if they are a student, ownership of the undead sponge or b.) if they are not a student, a cameo appearance in the next chapter. You have one week.

Ready… get set… GO!