CHAPTER FOURTEEN

The smile fades from Sam's face the moment his eyes make contact with Edward's. Usually, I would look away fearing what I might find in those eyes of his, but this time, I don't. It's not because I feel brave. In fact, by the look on Edward's face, it brings far little comfort for my future, but I have trouble not looking away. I must know. What is Edward going to say? What is Edward going to do to me?

"I'm Sam Uley, Emily's husband. Emily, your housemaid…" Sam clarified, in case Edward was the type to not take the time to remember his servants' names. "I found Bella and wanted to make sure she made it home safely."

Edward hasn't looked at me once. His eyes are trained and focused on Sam while he decides an appropriate reaction. I can hear the trepidation in Sam's voice. Most likely he is worried that Edward would believe something sinister is going on between the two of us and doesn't want Edward to use his influence over the state to cause him problems.

Edward slowly moves to hold out his hand. Sam, a little surprised, walked forward a couple of paces and shakes it.

"Thank you for looking after Isabella. I'm not quite sure what would cause her to venture out this way, but I am relieved to see you have provided her safe passage. Your kindness and time will not go unrewarded." Edward turned and finally looked to me, "Should we get on home, Isabella?"

Edward holds out a hand to me, and it is clear he is back to playing his role. From the worry I feel, I nearly forget we have an acting job to do. I turn and give Sam a small smile and thank-you before reaching out to take Edward's hand. He leads me back to the car where the driver is waiting with my door opened.

I slide in, as Edward walks around the car, his out-of-place shiny shoes clicking on the pavement before he enters the vehicle and takes his seat next to me. My heart begins to race while I wait for the wrath, but nothing comes. We ride the whole way back to the house in silence. Every so often, I catch the driver's eyes looking at me in the rear-view mirror. I try and wager a glance with my peripheral at Edward, but I can't see his face as it is turned away from me while he stares out the window.

I begin to go over what I plan to say when we get back home. I know this war will be worse than any we've ever fought before. I can stand up to him one last time knowing that ultimately, it will be up to him to decide what my fate should be. I could stand down and hope for mercy; make another promise that I will be good and do everything he asks of me. I feel my chest tighten as I remember the giggling girl going up the stairs with Edward, and I know I can't do this anymore. I can't live my life married to a man who will entertain countless women while every one of them kills a piece of my soul.

I feel a tear slide down my cheek as I now know what I must say. I will tell Edward the truth. Tell him I am not the kind of girl who can sit by and watch him live his life the way he feels he must. I don't care if he makes me a gutter baby. After tonight, I know it would be a welcome tradeoff; better than enduring the humiliation of his actions, as I would be expected to do.

The car pulls into the driveway and around the circle, and I quickly brush my tears aside and move to get out of the car before our driver has a chance to open the door. Edward jumps out once he sees my hasty exit and is quick on my heels. I don't acknowledge him, but he knows I am aware of him following closely behind.

I walk through the door and towards the living room that I hardly spend any time in. I don't want this war to happen in the entry room. Too many gaudy vases have already paid the price for our fighting. No need to have more heavy glass objects on standby begging to be thrown.

"Bella, what were you thinking going into the city? And at night of all times! Were you searching for the very best way to piss me off?" Edward begins even though I haven't even stopped.

I turn around, and it seems as if his batteries have been refueled from the way he was acting in the car.

"I wanted to see it for myself. And I'm glad I went. There is something beautiful from every sight I witnessed this evening, and if it is to be my future, then I say…I'm ready for it."

"Your future?" he sneered.

"Yes." I gulped. I brush my hair out of my face with a shaky hand. "As you said, you have the power to take it all away. Go ahead, Edward. Toss me out. Disgrace my family name. But after tonight, I will not marry you. You can't make me say those vows before God no matter what my father has signed. And I won't live in the marriage you have offered me. I may not be worth much, but I am worth something and that something cannot…no! No. I will not stand by and watch as you find the next person to warm your bed, which is not me."

He looks away from me, unable to bear witness to my tears. His hands are balled up into tight fists. He finally turns and walks toward the window, still unable to face me. I stand, wondering what he will say. What decree he will make that will end my time here. I briefly think of the look on my mother's face when they tell her she is no longer welcome to Court at Kensington; the fury and wrath she will rain down on me if she ever finds me.

"I have nothing to lose," I begin softly. "You were once my friend. My true friend. I loved you, Edward Cullen. Even when you avoided me…and left, I never stopped thinking about you. I thought I could marry you because having a small part of you was better than nothing at all. Or so I believed. But watching you tonight, knowing you slept with that girl. I saw the look in your eyes. You weren't doing it to fill a need. You did it to hurt me because you knew how I felt about you," I cried.

Vulnerable but feeling braver, I walked to him and made him look at me.

"Didn't you?"

He is angry. His eyes filled with rage, but instead of screaming or yelling at me, he breaks.

"Yes, I did it to hurt you," He whispered.

He shakes, attempting to keep it in.

"You hurt me with your words, so I wanted to pay you back for it. And so help me I wanted to fuck her but…I couldn't go through with it."

My mouth drops a little, and I take a slight step back.

"I wanted to. Even got the girl undressed, but I knew my intentions were pure evil. As angry as you made me…make me, with your torturous words, I knew you didn't deserve what I had planned. So, I made her redress and called for Seth to come and pick her up. Funny thing is, if I had gone through with it, I might never have known you had gone to the city. Seth said he would be there, but it would take him longer than it should. When he finally broke and disclosed where you had gone, I nearly lost it. I was so angry with you and him that I nearly set a plan to see Seth taken by the authorities to the white ward."

"No!" I exclaimed. "Edward, you can't do that."

Edward shook his head and nearly growled.

"I know. It would have changed me completely to be the kind of man to lie and sentence a man to that place for possibly the rest of his life. But, you should have never put him in that position, to begin with. Again, I ask you, what were you thinking? You were mad at me, I understand, but to put yourself in danger for the sake of getting back at me? How can I ever trust you again? How can I not put someone on you at all times to keep you from making idiotic choices?"

I feel my body deflate when I should be preparing my defense, but so much has been said that I already feel drained and unable to cooperate further. I can see in Edward's eyes, however, I would not be leaving this room until I answer all his questions.

"It really wasn't all that dangerous. Truly. Every person was respectful and didn't cause me harm or confrontation. I don't understand why we shouldn't go to the city. It offers so much that we are missing."

"Oh, Bella! Stop it. You spent a small amount of time there. You don't know the first thing about those city streets. It was fortunate you found your friend or else you could have been hurt. Hell, you could have been killed."

"No, I don't believe so. Everyone is too scared of the ramifications. I doubt crime is very high, and why would anyone want to kill me? There is no reason to want to hurt me."

Edward grabs hold of my shoulders and shakes me, "Because you are of a higher class; and they are not as innocent as you may believe. You are completely ignorant, Bella. You think you know enough to take your chances going down to the city, but you don't know anything! There is unrest there. A slow but quiet rebellion gathering steam, and it would take the wrong person for you to cross paths with for them to pull you away and god only knows what they would do to you. You will not be going back there, or I swear I will do far worse than throw you in the gutter. Call me a tyrant and tell me I am not the friend you once had, but I care more about you than anyone else … including your precious Jacob!"

He lets go of me, and thankfully, I am stunned into silence since it seems my words carry cause to bury me when used in a war with Edward.

I want to fight him and believe he doesn't have this power over me, but I am not as idiotic as he believes I am. I take a step back and another until the back of my legs meet the couch. I slowly drop down to sit and place my face in my hands. Once again, Jacob was somehow thrown into this mess. Fitting, since it was Jacob that caused our unrest.

"Jacob is not your enemy, and yet it seems he is the cause of our fighting." I shake my head slowly. "If it really means that much to you, I won't have relations with Jacob. I will keep my connection completely professional. This is a promise I can make you if…if you can keep your engagements out of this house and away from my sight. Don't ever use them against me again; at least give me that respect."

I don't know if I ever felt lower. It would drive me wild to wonder every time Edward came home late to picture the girl he was with. I shut my eyes tightly and tell myself I can do this. When I open them, Edward is standing in front of me.

He slowly drops down and kneels in front of me.

"I promise...as long as we are married…I won't sleep with another."

My eyes widened at his declaration, and suddenly, I cannot control my tears. I cannot fathom why he would make this promise to me. As I understood it, men have a very hard time going without sexual gratification. My mother, while explaining intercourse to me a couple of years back, said it was our duty to please our husbands for this reason.

"And you are worth more than you know."

His hands are on the arms of the chair, and he pulls himself up. His face meets mine. My mouth opens, and he is there meeting my lips. There is no one around to put on a show for. He kisses me for the first time because he wants to kiss me. Not for practice. Not for show. My head melts into the back of the couch, my expected, ladylike posture forgotten. My breathing quickens along with my heart, but my arms are as stiff as a corpse, afraid of what they might do if I lose all sanity.

Edwards has one hand on my face as he deepens the kiss, while his other hand comes around to my back slowly guiding me down to lay on the couch. Within seconds, I feel his weight on top of mine. Hades be with me as my legs open to allow him space, and I nearly choke with pleasure when I feel him push against me…down there. I let out a sound that should embarrass me, but he makes no sound of disgust or laughter. Instead, he pushes more. I feel the bulge in his pants pressing on my sensitive area. Our kiss breaks, and his lips pick back up along my neck.

Unsure of what I should do, my body is tense. I want to give in to each and every touch, but my mind is in overdrive. Edward's hands travel down toward my chest. His fingers dance magically over my shirt. I wonder how amazing it would feel if I were unclothed. Giving in to the sensations, my body relaxes until I feel his hand come up under my shirt and touch my belly fat.

"Edward!"

He gasps and pulls back immediately. I can see it in his eyes; like he awoke from a spell; he realized what he was doing or better yet, who he was doing it to.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes scrambling off me and to the floor.

I sit up and stutter for words. For once I am at a complete loss.

"No…I'm sorry. I…I…don't want you to make a mistake you would…feel nauseous for later."

I pull my shirt down and attempt to cross my arms over my stomach, wishing I could put a pillow in front to hide myself. Edward's fingers dance on his lips while he ponders his next move.

"You have nothing to apologize for. Please don't think I find you unattractive because that is a lie that even my lips can't say." He sits down next to me on the couch and keeps enough distance between us to ensure we don't do something sinful. "Bella, you were so truthful tonight; you told me things you were afraid to say. You honestly should be rewarded in kindness. The truth is…I don't know what I can offer you. I do feel attraction for you. I care for you. But, you deserve so much more than I am offering. You're a good person. I just wish someone out there could see what I see. Someone who deserves you. I am not that person."

His words are a puzzle. I don't know what I should think or how I should feel with his declaration. They bring me warmth but once again, he has made it clear he could never think more of me than he already does. So, where does this leave us?

"I had this friend back in England, James. He and I had similar situations. We used to think about what we would do when we received our inheritance. We had all these dreams of bumming around South America and pretending we were a lesser…anything to get away from the duty and obligations our parents placed on us. I'm not ready to get married. I'm only eighteen. However, it was the stipulation set down by my grandfather in order to receive his money. If you really don't want to marry me…then I'll be okay, Bella. I worry about you, though. I don't know what a broken engagement would do to your family. How your mother could be any worse, but I'm sure she would rise to the occasion. Like I said, I won't have relations while we are married. I hope you will reconsider and say your vows…so I can keep you safe from your family."

I worried about that too. I knew if this engagement broke, I would need to do everything in my power to disappear. My mother would scour the earth to find me, and my sister may be hot on her heels to do the same. Silly me that my mind wandered in a different direction. I should be thinking about this arrangement, and yet I can't stop my focus from thinking back to the sensations I just experienced. If it felt this amazing with my clothes on, what could it feel like if I was brave enough to not have stopped Edward?

"Bella," Edward says my name in warning. My whole face is flushed, and I look away from him, embarrassed by my dark thoughts.

"I thought I should apologize for my forwardness, but I wonder from the look on your face if that is necessary," Edward teased.

"Be quiet," I hissed.

He takes my hand and moves closer.

"It's okay, Bella. I know you were probably fed many lies growing up that those feelings you just experienced were sinful, but sex isn't a horrible thing. It is a gift. One…I would still like to show you if you were open to it."

My face wouldn't calm. I bite my lip and seal my mouth shut and attempt to think of something ghastly to keep me from my thoughts. There were so many things I should have said, rather than what I said next.

"When," I whispered.

Edward squeezed my hand and shrugged his shoulder slightly.

"Whenever you are ready."

My body screamed, 'I'm ready now!' but I knew losing my greatest gift on the couch would be ill-advised. Plus, I need the special sheet from my mother. If we were going to do this, we should do it right. I should stop thinking with my wicked mind.

"Tomorrow?" I asked.

Edward laughed, and I felt silly for speaking so quickly.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"I'm sorry," I shook my head and looked away. "You're right. It was stupid…"

"No, Bella." He reached over to take my other hand, so he had them both securely in his own. "If you are ready now, then, I'm ready. I just want to make sure this is what you want."

I can't think. My heart is beating so fast, and my privates are pulsating from my thoughts. I want to do this now, but I know once it is done, it can't be undone. We need the Confirmation sheet. I can wait to retrieve it from my mother.

"Tomorrow…I will be ready tomorrow."

"Tomorrow night then. Why don't you go and get some sleep?"

He releases my hands, and I stand, feeling my feet wobble a little. I quickly leave, afraid of embarrassing myself further. But, I find the anticipation has done absolutely nothing for my will to sleep. I toss and turn all night long. By the next morning, when it came time for my session with Jacob, I barely can make it down the stairs to tell him that I just can't see him today; that I am overwhelmed with sickness. Jacob looks down but caresses my cheek and tells me he will be back the next morning. I wonder if I will be able to see him the next morning after the events of tonight, but I will leave that worry for tomorrow.

It's odd, though. Yesterday, I couldn't get enough of Jacob and his tiny shorts. Today, I am relieved he is gone. A long shower and my private areas still hum with the knowledge of what is to come. I dress impeccably for my trip to see my parents. I have not been back to my house since I left. I wonder what my mother will say. How she will act now that she has everything she ever wanted.

Seth pulls the car to the porch stairs and hops out to come around to my side to open the door. Mrs. Cope is already standing on the top of the porch steps, greeting me with a warm smile on her face and bounce in her step. The minute I am out of the car, she is down the steps and pulling me into a hug.

"Oh, we miss you terribly around here. How is life up at the big house?"

I laughed.

"Well…it could stand to be better, but I can hardly complain. Although I do miss your famous ice-tea."

Her face lights up, and she replied, "I'll be sure to send you home with some."

I squeeze her hand, "That would be lovely. Is my mother around?"

I hoped she would say no. I knew where the sheet was, so it wasn't necessary to see my mother, but luck would not be on my side.

"Yes, just inside. She is trying on hats she just ordered. I tell you, the more money that woman has the worse her fashion sense gets."

I laughed and shake my head along with Mrs. Cope. Even though the comment would be grounds for dismissal, Mrs. Cope was never afraid to speak her mind.

I walked in, and the house hadn't changed at all, which was a bit of a surprise since I believed my mother, with her new expense account, would run out and redecorate the first moment that money landed in her lap.

I hear the grandfather clock begin to chime alerting me it was nearly one. I say nearly, because that damn old clock was always off by ten minutes. A stack of boxes line the hall, and I find my mother trying on her ostentatious hats in our first-floor bathroom.

"Hello, Mother," I said softly wondering what reception I might receive from this woman.

"Bella." Her face lights up, and she models her new hat for me. "You like it? It's positively dreamy. Ostrich feathers from France."

I wondered what difference it made that the ostrich was from France as opposed to an ostrich that was born and bred here. Either way, I don't think it helped make her hat look any less silly. But I didn't want to quarrel with my mother, so I smiled and nodded.

"Looks nice."

"Oh Bella, Kensington is everything your sister said it was. Don't you just find it lovely and fitting?"

I shrugged. "I…haven't been there more than the one time but I liked the bathrooms."

My mother looked appalled, but she waved me off, "That's right. Court was always lost on the likes of you."

I sighed and tried to remain calm but once again, but my words get the better of me.

"All the time you wanted me to waste at Court in hopes of training me to be a proper lady so a man may look my way. It was all for nothing, as I landed the very best man without even having to go to the trouble."

My mom places her hat back in the box before turning to look at me. She no longer seems happy to see me.

"What do you want, Bella?"

She shouldn't speak to me with disrespect. I wager whether I want to give her a lesson on how she should talk to me, but I decide to focus on getting what I came here for.

"I need the Confirmation sheet."

Her mouth drops a little before turning into a wicked grin.

"You haven't said your vows yet. Why don't we wait until the time is right? No need to worry about giving into temptations. After all, what would God say to you if you gave up your greatest gift before you gave your word to him."

"I don't care what you think God would say. This is not a request, and as your superior, I suggest you give me what I demand, or I will not say any vows, and you will fall back down to obscurity. Okay, Mother?" I asked sweetly with a smile on my face.

Her face says everything she wants to say but cannot. Stiffly, she walks towards the living room where her hope chest is and opens it to pull out the linen bag with my requested item.

"Just because you can tell me what to do does not mean I am not your mother. If you have sex before you say your vows, the only thing you will receive from God is a one-way ticket to hell. I hope it's worth it."

I pull the bag from out of her tight grasp and replied, "And what will God give you for how you treated me? Why don't you worry about your own salvation for once?"

I knew it would be a difficult task to see my mother again, but I didn't know how difficult. I hated that her words had a way to impact and poison my mind. The linen bag resting in my lap felt like it was burning my legs. A warning for what eternity might bring me if I go through with my plans this evening. I shake my head, trying to rid my mother's warnings from my mind. Her words might be warranted if I had decided to go through with carrying on relations with Jacob while married to Edward, but, I was losing my virginity to a man I loved who was going to be my husband. I doubt God cared about a couple of months.

Now I could see why Alice wanted to make a quick wedding season. For the first time, I had prospects on pleasure, and I grappled with the thought of giving in to my primal needs too soon.

I could have sex tonight.

I am going to have sex tonight.

Sex. Sex. Sex.

I clench my legs together to help with the uncomfortable feeling. The linen bag falls off my lap. I snatch it back up and hold it to my chest.

I am resolved.

Get out of my head, mother.

I will lose my virginity tonight!

AN: Thank you all for your patience. I am super excited to announce that this chapter was edited with help from Fran. Many of you know her in the community and I am honored to receive her help. Many thanks for taking the time to make this story even better. Thanks Fran!

Till next time...