So, remember that TVF Goes To College thing I started and promised I was going to finish because I had to hand it in for a school project? Umm, just kidding. Yeah, I got lazy (and a little busy, but mostly lazy) so I decided to apply the same principle of TVF-to-homework conversion to something that was pre-written. And I selected Camp Vamp, because it worked the best and it would push me to write the final chapters.
So here's the official second-last chapter.
This is probably the shittiest excuse for TVF I've ever tried to pass off.
Umm, enjoy. Or don't, at this point I'm having a hard time finding a fuck to give.
"My instincts are telling me to snap you in half for screwing up your one chance to break us out, but I want you to know I'm doing everything in my power to ignore them." Mika huffed while maintaining a zen-face.
"Good to see ya, little bro." Arrow sighed, hugging the Little Person.
"Seriously?" Arra snapped. "Harkat, I thought you were the one member of this pack of assbrains with a shred of common sense."
"WHY RUE, WHY?" Kurda wailed, sinking to the floor (yes, he does that a lot) and beating his fists dramatically.
"Kurda… it's me… Harkat." the grey-skinned one consoled the thrashing blonde. "Jail has not… been kind… to him." he added.
"His brain's fine." Arrow explained. "Well, not fine, I guess, but no more fucked than any other day. We were picking Hunger Games characters earlier. You're Rue."
"So that's how… you've been… keeping busy. Better than… eating each other… I suppose."
"Yup." Arrow agreed proudly. "We're starting to make real progress."
"And I still don't have a character." Darren reminded pissily.
"You would be the child that dies first." Larten shrugged.
"Nah, he'd be President Snow. Can you say control freeeeak?" Arra teased.
"You're cruel." Darren sniffed, sitting down and crossing his arms.
"Think about it! You think you're like the king shit of everything, but really we all just despise your feeble attempts at control." Mika snickered evilly.
"Everyone… be kind!" Harkat interjected. "We all know… Darren is… Primrose."
"Thanks, Harkie. Really, I don't know how to cope with the amount of affection I'm receiving right now." the Vampire apprentice sighed in defeat, sitting down on the closed toilet seat.
"You know… we love you… Darren. We don't need… to shower you… with meaningless…. praise. Now stop… being a… self-deprecating… drama queen… it is getting… extremely… old." Harkat replied with something of a snort.
Darren, who had never before experienced such a low-balled shot, from Harkat no less, looked mightily offended. Meanwhile, everyone else applauded Harkat's bold diss, for they'd been thinking along those lines but unable to put it into words.
"But in all seriousness, who votes we put our minds together and actually get out of here?" Larten interjected.
"Usually when we out our minds together, brains end up splattered on walls." Arrow shrugged.
"It's true. People get hurt when we try to act like a cohesive unit." Paris admitted.
"Gods, you guys are a wreck. I don't know how any of you are still alive." Arra grunted, sitting down and crossing her arms.
"We are not usually this destructive! I swear!" Larten promised, sitting down beside her. Apparently he still had hopes that his romantic getaway could be salvaged. The poor man.
"What are you talking about? Of course we are." Arrow snorted in befuddlement. "In fact, usually we're way worse."
"GUUUUUUYS!" Kurda shrieked suddenly, shattering the eardrums of all. "I just did mathematical calculifications, and we have like less than 2 hours to get out of here!"
"And why is that?" Darren sighed.
"Remember what the prison dude said? We have to go for shower time! Do you know what happens to beautiful people like me in public showers? DO YOU?"
"Does it rhyme with grape?" Arrow snickered.
"No, Arrow. I'm not gonna wear a cape. Gosh you're dumb."
Arrow facepalmed. Kurda continued:
"THERE'S GONNA BE GERMS EVERYWHERE. I'M GONNA CONTRACT HEPATITI AND Q, AND CANCER AND MELANOMAS AND GHONORREA AND LICE AND MAYBE EVEN MALE PATTERN BALDNESS!"
"I'm fairly certain that a good number of those aren't contagious, but he has a point. It would be ideal if we made our escape prior to shower time." Paris contributed.
"What if we use shower time to our advantage?" Darren suggested.
"Daaaaarrreenn! How could Hepatitis Q possibly be an advantage to anyone?" Kurda caterwauled.
"It couldn't, seeing as it doesn't exist. What I'm saying is, to get to the showers, we'd have to leave this cell, am I right?"
"Yes, yes you are!" Larten grinned, looking more enthusiastic than anyone had seen him this entire trip.
"And outside of this cell, there is what?"
"…Donuts?" Harkat suggested hopefully.
"That, and what else?"
"Assholes with tasers." Mika grumbled.
"Think bigger… c'mon guys, really? Nothing? …Okay, fine. There are DOORS. That lead to OUTSIDE!"
"I don't think they're going to let us wander out the doors, Darren. Let's be serious here." said Arrow.
'You don't say?" Darren rolled his eyes. "No, this is what we'll do…"
"Brace yourselves, we've got a Darren Shan Plan incoming." Mika commented.
Darren reached out and smacked him on the arm, clearly emboldened by whatever he was brewing in his little mind.
"So, when they lead us out, we go quietly-"
"Laaame." Arrow declared. Darren smacked him too.
"My, you're confident today." the bald prince rumbled.
"Anyway, we go quietly, and then one of us creates a diversion. While they're diversioning, the rest of us will… um…"
"And that is as far as you got?" Larten inquired.
"That is as far as I got." Darren confirmed meekly.
"Okay… diversion. I like it." Harkat smiled, patting Darren's knee. "Who will… take care… of that?"
"Seba and I are on it." Paris volunteered. "I personally guarantee they won't know which way to run. You'll have plenty of time to do… whatever you end up doing."
"I vote we go back to being actual Vampires and just knock them the hell out. Y'know, poison breath? Anyone remember that?"
"Oh use your brain, Ver Leth. There are too many of them, and we cannot leave witnesses. Not to mention you would be tasered or shot before your first victim is even completely unconscious." Larten corrected.
"We could flit!" Arrow contributed excitedly. "Does anyone remember how to do that?"
"Flitting can only get you so far. Literally, it's not much good against locked and bulletproof doors. Trust me." Paris shot that idea down with a shudder that suggested he was speaking from experience.
"Don't worry, guys." Darren encouraged. "We can still do this. We have almost an hour and a half, that's plenty of t-"
And then, as if on cue, because life just has nothing better to do than shit on Darren Shan, the cell door creaked open once again.
"Up and at 'em, loonies. Shower time's been bumped up. Time to go. And don't look at me like that, Shorty. Those donuts weren't yours."
Harkat glared up at the tubby security guard and gnashed his teeth in a threatening fashion.
"I. DON'T. WANNA. SHOWER." Kurda hollered, digging his nails into the bench.
"Those are four words I never thought I'd hear him say." Mika remarked.
"Of course you do. If you deny your basic prisoner rights, that means paperwork for us. Now move! Don't make me bring out your good friend Mr. Taser…"
"Excuse me, I have no such emotional attachment to the abominable pain gun of paralyzation." Seba snapped. "And I will thank you to remove your chubby and grubby hands from my arm! I am more than capable of walking under my own power! The NERVE of you gun-toting humans, never before have I seen such ignorance and lack of respect for a member of the noble Vampire clan! A Quartermaster no less!"
The guard blinked several times, then assumed a face of rage.
"Who are you callin' chubby, old man?"
"Seriously? Seba just blew our entire identity and all he got out of it was the word chubby? Gods, how are humans not extinct?" Mika snorted.
"We can ponder the fate of humanity later, right now we need a plan!" Larten hissed as "Chubby" ushered the gang out of the cell.
"I have a plan…" Darren murmured.
"WHAT?" gasped Mika, Arrow, Larten, Paris, and Harkat. Kurda and Seba were too busy protesting shower time to realize what was going on, and Arra was simply sulking.
"Well… it goes like this." the boy prince stalled as the gang was led down the long barred hallway. They were forced to pause when another inmate reached through the bars and grabbed Kurda's arm with great gusto, declaring;
"I shall name him Marvin, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Marvin."
"Get your own moron." Mika snarled unexpectedly, wrenching his arm away from Kurda and nearly breaking his wrist in the process. "This one's taken."
"Aw. Thanks, Mika." Kurda gulped as his potential assaulter retreated. "If I die of male pattern baldness, I want you to know you're my very most bestest friend."
"I know, man. Um… thanks." Mika muttered awkwardly, patting the blond on the shoulder.
"Nobody's going to die of male pattern baldness. Or Hepatitis Q, because that is not even a real thing. Darren has a plan -about time- and he is going to get us out of here. So, what's the plan, Shan?" said Paris.
"Seba, you brought some snacks along for the road, right?" Darren asked. The old man nodded in agreement and withdrew a handful of mouldy-looking wall moss from each pocket.
"Good. Okay everyone, take a bit." continued firmly in a whisper. Everyone did, despite Seba's threatening growls at the fact that they dared to steal his 'sustenance'. "Now, I want you to rub it all over your faces. Don't miss any spots."
"Daaarrreeen." Kurda whined. "This is like, terribly icky. Bad plan."
"Yeah, remember what this did to Seba? Imagine how it'll affect a normally functioning Vampire." Mika contributed.
"This is Bad News Bears. Really really bad." Arrow confirmed.
"Health effects aside, I fail to see the connection to this and escaping from this dungeon of misery." said Larten.
"Do you want to shower with criminals?" Darren hissed.
Kurda immediately smushed his handful of moss against his face. The rest of the gang begrudgingly followed suit.
"What the hell are you weirdos up to?" the guard snorted, turning around to see his little gang of convicts… breaking out in hives and uncontrollable swelling?
"This. Is. So. Freakin'. Sketchy." Arrow noted as he prodded at his puffy cheek.
"Gods, Larten. If this is permanent, I swear I'll burn the entire Mountain to the ground with you in it." Arra snapped.
"Not possible, it's composed mainly of graphite, slate, and granite." Paris objected politely.
"Never mind. I'm not touching this shit." Arra retorted, flinging her handful at Larten's face.
"Darren. Darren. Darren. I can't feel my face. Darren. Is my face still there? Because I seriously feel like it's gone. SOMEONE TELL ME IS MY FACE STILL THERE?" Kurda sobbed horrifically.
"I can't see it…under all the swelling…but it's probably…in there… somewhere." Harkat offered. Kurda then had something that resembled a conniption.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM?" roared the prison supervisor, noticing the disruption and immediately rushing over.
"I have no idea." stammered Chubby. "They were fine a second ago!"
"It's a Hepatitis Q outbreak." Paris moaned dramatically. "Trust me, I'm a doctor. There's no hope for us, save the other inmates! We're… contaminated!"
The prison guards' looks of pure terror were most likely a direct result of the scene Kurda was making, as he desperately tried to relocate his face.
"Hit the button!" the supervisor ordered. Chubby sprang into action. Well, maybe sprang is too strong a word. He made his way over to the wall as fast as he could, where there was a button marked Immediate Evacuation Notice. He smashed his thick fist against it with all his might.
"Code green. Code green. Immediate evacuation in effect for all areas. Code green. Code green." a mechanized voice barked through the intercom over blaring sirens as lights flashed in every direction. The doors of each and every cell sprung open.
And all hell broke loose.
Harkat immediately climbed Arrow like a tree and sat on his shoulders to avoid being trampled. Darren yelped in fright as a 300lb man ran over his toe, and subsequentially leapt into Larten's arms.
"Down, boy. You are too old for this nonsense. You can run for your life on your own two legs." the orange-haired mentor scoffed, dropping Darren who did indeed proceed to run for his life.
And so they fled, down the shrieking, flashing corridor, surrounded by sweaty fellow criminals whose only concern was to make it out into the light of day before they too became infected with the dreaded Hepatitis Q. Which had apparently just become a real thing. They paused only briefly so that Hakat could slip into the lounge and steal the box of donuts he'd originally targeted. Then out they flew.
"Whath now?" Arrow asked excitedly, despite his swollen tongue. "Ah we goin to break the fenth?"
"Whath ith a tenth?" Larten inquired curiously, mouth equally puffy.
"He meanth fenth." Mika replied.
"You justh thaid the thame thing!"
"Fenth!" Mika clarified, pointing at the fence."
"Oh." said Darren. "I don't know if we hath to break the fenth. I haven't thought thath far yeth."
"Godth dammit Darren! Geth your shith together!" said Arrow.
"Justh gimme a minuth!"
"Hurry, before they call poithon conthrol and thake uth to a whole other facilithy!"
"Oh shith, the supervithor ith pointhing ath us. We gotha go!"
"Leth climb the fenth!"
"Therrible idea, they'll tather uth again! Or worth, shooth us! With bulleths!"
"If we could… just get to… the car." said Harkat. He was the only one who hadn't ingested the moss, therefore his speech was no more affected than usual. The cop car he had earlier commandeered and driven in was parked just on the other side of the fence. So close, yet so far.
"Waith… I think the car ith coming to… uth!" Darren gasped.
9 heads turned; and there it was. It was creeping towards them, as if driven by some invisible force. Rolling down the slight incline… picking up speed… and crashing right. Through. The. Fence.
"ITH ITH POTHETHED! THOUCH ITH NOT!" Seba howled. "THE DEMONTH ARE RITHING!"
"It is possessed… touch it not… the demons are rising." Harkat translated casually. "Yes indeed, Seba… now kindly step… aside."
He scrambled towards the vehicle and eagerly swung the door open. He'd left it running, and luckily so. The first thing he noticed was the droplets of water on the gear shift… and then the shiny silver body on the floor.
"GILLBERT!" he hollered in shock and horror, snatching up the fish and plunging him back into his cooler on the passenger seat. The others began piling in - fitting more than 8 people into a 5-seater was a specialty of theirs. Call it supernatural Vampire powers. Larten and Paris started to cram themselves into the front, first removing Gillbert's cooler.
"NO! GILLBERT STAYS!" Harkat bellowed.
"Harkath. There are copth chathing uth. You muth drive. Now." Larten calmly ordered. "We will find you another fith."
"THERE… ARE… NO… FISH… TO… REPLACE… GILLBERT! HOW… MANY… OTHER… FISH… WOULD… DIE… FOR… YOU?"
"Buth… Gillberth ith noth dead." Larten replied in puzzlement.
"How do you… think the car… started moving… on it's own?" Harkat snapped back. "Gillbert jumped… out of his cooler… and landed… on the… gear shift… so the car would… drive! He was willing… to jump to… a certain death… on the floor… if his last act… would be… sending the car to us!"
A shocked silence hung in the overstuffed car as Harkat floored it. The doors were barely closed, Arrow was hanging out a window and clinging to the roof so he wouldn't fall out. Larten looked down at the cooler he had been preparing to fling out the window. The cooler alone took up as much space as two Vampire butts.
"Thith hath to go. We need more room." the orange-haired Vampire declared firmly.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harkat roared.
But Larten did not toss the cooler out the window. At least not until he'd opened the glove box, removed its contents, and poured the water plus Gillbert into it, and firmly shut it, locking Gillbert safely inside. Only then did he let the massive cooler fly. Then Paris was able to fit comfortably in the front seat next to Larten. Once he was not half-leaned into the back, Arrow was able to slide back into the vehicle and roll his window up.
Harkat exhaled a deep breath and glared over at his friend.
"You better hope… he has enough space… in there."
"Damn. Dinner ith a hero. Gooth thing we didn't turn him into dinner. I wath noth expecting that." Mika commented.
"All hail the hero of the shimmering-scales clan." said Seba dramatically. "Even in death may he be triumphant."
Each and every Vampire and Little Person in the vehicle made the Death's Touch sign, except for one...
"Hurrah." Arra snarked sarcastically. She had elected to not ingest any of the moss, therefore her icy tone was un-slurred as ever. "The reptile happened to fall on the gear shift, next thing you know he'll be a Vampire Prince too."
Mika and Arrow exchanged looks of sudden inspiration.
"Damn, where ith the Thone of Blood when you need ith?" Arrow sighed.
"You idiots." Arra growled. "Now do something to make your mouths return to their normal size? I can't understand any of you, and you've all got hives. Absolutely disgusting."
"We thould go back to the hothpithal." Kurda giggled. "Thath wath fun, even tho ith wathn't anything like Greyth Anathomy."
"Eathy for you to thay!" Arrow gulped. "Thath wath the moth traumathic experienth of my enthire life."
"Yeah… again, my bad." Mika muttered.
"Ith okay, bro. No hard feels." Arrow sighed, patting him on the shoulder. "Pluth, I hath a cool thcar on my thkull now."
"What is it with you and scars? You're gonna wreck your complexion." Kurda gave a little shudder of disgust.
"Kurda, your voith ith back to normal!" Darren gasped in excitement.
"It is? Omigods yay! I thought I was gonna be all gross and lispy forever."
"What did you do? Did you eat something?" Arrow interrogated
"Did you lick a window?" Mika snickered.
"Noo, Mika! Gross. I don't know where these windows have been!" Kurda replied with a pout. "I just put lip gloss on… OMIGOD. MY LIP GLOSS HAS HEALING POWERS."
"Everyone, use the magic lip gloth!" Darren ordered.
"Ughhh, okay." Kurda whined, reluctantly passing his lip gloss around the car.
5 minutes later, tongues were un-swollen and the hives were disappearing.
"Remarkable!" said Paris, eagerly reading the ingredients on the side of the pink tube. "I wonder which one counteracts the moss poison."
"We don't need to know that." Mika growled, furiously wiping every trace of Raspberry Bliss from his lips. "Disgusting ooze. Gods, Kurda. You actually paid money for this?"
"Don't be hatin'. You coulda stayed a puffyface forever. And trust me, that look does not suit your hairstyle preferences at all."
"That much is true." Mika sighed, leaning back against the seat and rolling his window down.
"So. Where are we going?" Darren inquired. They'd left the cop shop far behind and were now cruising down the highway. "I don't know about you guys, but I could use some actual food. Unless anyone wants to go back for more moss."
"McDonald's?" Arrow suggested immediately.
"Nooo, not the caloriiiieees. Anything but the calories." Kurda wailed, banging his head against the window.
"They have… salads." Harkat gently consoled him.
"Come ooon, Harkie. Everyone knows getting a salad from McDon's is like going to a hooker for a hug." the blonde grumbled.
"You are the expert." Mika shrugged. Kurda slugged him with a pointy little manicured fist.
"HARKAT, TAKE THIS EXIT!" Arra roared unexpectedly. The Little Person jolted in surprise, but swung the car around the curve and down the ramp marked Airport Road.
"Why're we going to the airport? The Essie and Arra's House are back at the hospital." Kurda asked curiously.
"It's Larten's House now." Arra replied snootily. "I am leaving you the RV; I'll send you a bill. I want nothing to do with it. I'm flying home. Now."
"But all my stuff is in the Essie! I can't get on a plane without my fuzzy neck wrap!" Kurda panicked.
"Uhm, Kurdie, what she means is she's leaving us. By herself." Arrow clarified.
"Oh." Larten frowned, catching on. "Well then. I suppose this is an appropriate course of action, given how much of a disappointment this getaway has turned out to be for both of us."
"Hey! It wasn't thaaat bad." Darren argued. "I mean, other than the hurricane and Arrow falling off a cliff and the hospital fiasco and getting tasered and arrested and eating moss."
"When you say it like that… it sounds pretty bad." Harkat shrugged as he parked at the airport curb. Arra crawled over Mika, Arrow, and Seba to free herself from the vehicle. She stood on the sidewalk for a moment, locking eyes with Larten.
"Well, Larten Crepsley… I suppose this is goodbye."
"Farewell, Arra Sails. Even in airport security may you be triumphant."
There was a very awkward pause where it appeared that she might bend down to give him a kiss through the open window, but apparently she thought better of it and turned on her heel and stalked away.
"Good riddance." Mika and Arrow broke the silence simultaneously, then exchanged a high-five. Harkat waved merrily at Arra's retreating back. Seba muttered death threats at a limo that cut in front of them. Larten opened the glove box to ensure Gillbert was alive and well. Paris curiously fiddled with the police radio. Kurda admired the gun he'd found under the- oh gods, Kurda had a gun. Larten quickly confiscated it and stashed it under the passenger seat.
As the stolen cop car cruised back onto the highway in the direction of Melanoma Beach Town, Darren exhaled a small sigh of relief: normalcy had returned.
Normal by Vampire standards, anyway.
Ughghgh. This is what happens when I force myself to write against my will. Also this entire story needs to be done within the next 2 and a half hours so time isn't my friend here.
Arra is gone. Finally. Everyone rejoice.
"Rhymes With Grape" is from the movie 21 Jump Street.
The final chapter of this trainwreck will be posted tonight.
Flame away! LOLJK I'll still cut you. Don't even think about it.
See you very soon :)
RXP