A/n: this chapter, the characters finally took over the plot entirely. I swear, the main point of this chapter wasn't even planned. I was writing it before I even knew what happened. They've gained sentience.
In other news, merry belated Christmas and a happy 2015 (all 4 days of it).
Fun fact: school starts again tomorrow. I was lying, the fact isn't fun and I'm dying inside. Just in case any of you guys are suffering in the same way, here's a filler chapter which is (hopefully) humorous.
As it turned out, Thor was quite enthusiastic to go for a ride on one of the dragons. Even more so than Tony, who had made no less than twenty Norse mythology puns in the ten minutes since Thor's arrival.
He was running at a steady pace of two puns per minute, showing no signs of losing steam and thoroughly irritating everyone within a ten metre radius. Apart from Thor, who seemed oddly amused by Tony's antics.
"Okay, the first thing to know about riding a dragon," Hiccup began his impromptu crash course - it had taken all of those ten minutes to get over the practical heart attacks and then finish the journey to the top of the tower - "is that you need to earn the their trust."
This lesson was only for Thor, leaving Tony to pun Natasha and Pepper into oblivion.
Thor nodded, allspeak allowing him to understand the Norse - or perhaps it allowed him to understand the English, being a Norse god - and looked over at his chosen dragon, Stormfly. (Of course he would go for the one with 'storm' in the name; he really was asking for the joke that followed, courtesy of the resident billionaire and self-claimed Pun Master Extraordinaire. (Clint was the sole competition for this title, naturally.))
"How should I gain the affection of this fine creature?"
"Probably flattery." Hiccup confided quietly, throwing in some English to ensure the dragon didn't hear, "Nadders can be pretty vain"
"I see!" Thor didn't quite get the cue for secrecy, though Hiccup wasn't much inclined to call him out on it. Over with the Americans and Russian, Toothless was laughing at his rider's fanboying. Thor raised a hand to Stormfly's head. "May I be given the honour of sitting on the back of such a beautiful beast?"
'Not that you really need to ask,' Stormfly stooped to let Thor jump up, 'since where I come from you're a god.'
Hiccup shrugged agreement, then went over to give Toothless a friendly thwack for his amusement.
"Right!" he grinned, clasping his hands together - the English for Tony's benefit - "Let's test out this tail!"
The tail worked, though Hiccup couldn't quite work out what the solar energy was doing to help it work. It was best he didn't find out though, he figured, since he'd most likely find out how important it was once it stopped working, as was the norm.
"That was fun!" Thor decided, plopping himself down on the sofa beside Hiccup - and prompting a subtle cough of 'shut up' from Hiccup over to a chuckling Toothless.
"Dude, can't you already fly?" Clint asked, followed swiftly by a colourful expletive and a brief spell of button mashing as he was blue-shelled.
"The frequency of flight doesn't take away from the pleasure of it." Thor replied evenly.
"Yeah, just 'cause you're a scaredy pants who refuses to get up there -"
"No, I just refuse to go up in your metal deathtrap, thanks."
"- doesn't mean the rest of us don't love it. And watch your mouth; I'm gonna start a swear jar if you keep that up."
"But you're a billionaire!" Clint complained, "Why do you need more money?"
"It's a deterrent." Tony responded smugly. "To protect Hiccup - and the other guys' - innocent ears!"
"I'm a Viking." Hiccup deadpanned. "We take classes in expletives."
"It's true!" Fishlegs confirmed. "Advanced Rudery was never Hiccup's best subject, though, even if he did come up with the most inventive curses. Not enough force behind it to be insulting."
"Thanks for that." Hiccup grumbled, as Clint and Tony absorbed the new information.
"Advanced rudery?" It was Pepper who finally caught on to the oddity. "What about maths? English?"
"Honestly, it's a miracle the twins can even count to ten." Snotlout dismissed. "You only need numbers for telling people how many things you beat up."
"They can count to ten?" Hiccup asked, impressed. "Wow, what's that, five numbers in five years?"
"Remind me why we're doing this, again?"
"'Cause!" Tony replied, looking briefly up from his work desk. "Since the others went to the expense of making us an official team, we need to return the favour!"
"By pranking them?" Bruce raised a sceptical eyebrow. There was a surprising number of people on the team who had singular eyebrow control.
"Exactly!" Tony agreed. "They did invite us into a prank war, after all! And we have something they don't!"
"Charming personalities and great looks?" Hiccup intoned sarcastically.
"No: science!" Tony, who knew enough Norse to recognise the sass, corrected.
"What are we going to do? Make a pranking suit?" Hiccup abandoned Norse, recognising it as a now-futile way of employing snark.
"Not quite." Tony glanced back over at the Mark 42, "But that's given me an idea..."
"How is this a prank?" Hiccup asked, confused and utterly unimpressed at Tony's proposal.
"Ah, Hiccup," Tony shook his head woefully, "so tragic that you were brought up a Viking heathen; you know not of the sophisticated, subtle art of pranking in the modern world."
"It's usually a pie to the face, actually," Bruce revealed, trying to sound disapproving but ultimately failing. "Don't get the wrong idea about what a real prank is."
Tony gasped, clasping a hand to his chest. "You wound me!" he breathed dramatically, knees bending slightly as he acted out a swoon.
"We could always throw a pie at their face anyway," Hiccup suggested. Pie-throwing sounded fun, and Tony's original idea would, if not remove the consequences entirely, at least forestall them for a while. "with the suit."
Tony gave the idea deliberately deep thought. "Well... we'd need some pies..."
"Couldn't we just make some?" Hiccup suggested, slightly worried that he was accurate in his guess as to what Tony planned on doing. "There must be more than one kitchen, so no one would notice..." he trailed off; Tony had clearly made his mind up, a determined look darkening his gaze even for something as insignificant as pie acquisition.
"We're going to the shops." Tony grinned at the groans he received. "Come on, it'll be fun! We can go and buy some pies, and walk around in the freshly polluted New York air, and -"
"Start getting questioned by people and hassled by the press?" Bruce guessed.
"No, we can -"
"Get odd looks for the peg leg? Have a run in with a random criminal?"
Tony sighed. "You're both so negative. Okay, so they're valid points, but I still think we should go out. I'll deal with the media stuff, and you can do the buying."
"How big a scene do you think your suit could cause?" Hiccup asked, thinking, "Because I have a different idea."
Tony looked down at the crowd, a sea of New Yorkers who really should be more used to weird stuff happening by now, and laughed. The general reaction to his presence was to gape up at him, letting Hiccup sneak past on his Night Fury.
"Hello New York!" Tony yelled, throwing his arms out. "Tony Stark of the Avengers here, not dead, just checking in on everyone. How 'ya doing?"
Surprisingly, people actually answered. Rather vocally. Tony nodded along as the genuine comment devolved into general noise-making.
Bruce shook his head as Tony continued his crowd-rallying. "Why are we doing this?" he asked despairingly.
'Because it's awesome!' Toothless answered, forgetting that he was supposed to be staying quiet. Over with Tony, the crowd were too busy being in awe of the gold-titanium alloy clad superhero to notice the unnatural growls. 'We're like spies, or something!'
"Spies on a mission to save the world by buying some pies to throw in the faces of arguably the most dangerous people on Earth..." Bruce said, still no more impressed, "Can anyone else say kamikaze?"
'Ooh, I can!' Toothless was a bit too excited to have the higher thought level needed to recognise sarcasm. 'Kamikaze!'
'I don't think he was being literal...' Hiccup said, as quietly as he could manage. 'And I'd hardly consider them the most dangerous people on Earth... Now come on, we need to buy these pies!'
Tony had given instructions that led the trio to a nearby shop, which JARVIS had already sent an order to. The employee out front looked frazzled when they walked in, and started at the sight of the dragon.
"They're here!" he called into the back. To his three customers, he said: "I just got the order a few minutes ago. It was from you, right? We got the message about who - what - to expect..."
"How many dragons do you expect to find in New York?" Bruce asked, as way of confirmation. The employee smiled slightly.
"How many pies do you think we're capable of making in such short a time?" he asked in response. "Why would you even need that many?"
"Because the Avengers are the least mature bunch you'll ever meet." Bruce said wearily.
"Oh come on, you agreed to this too!" Hiccup interrupted. "I bet you're secretly enjoying this!"
Bruce smiled slightly, but said no more on the matter. "Come on, let's get these pies."
They'd already been paid for in advance, so Bruce and Hiccup loaded the pies onto a large crate on Toothless's back, then left.
"Oh, by the way," Hiccup popped his head back round the door a few seconds after it came to a close. "I wouldn't go outside if I were you, for the next... three or four hours. Bye!"
"This was the best idea ever!" Tony cackled.
He was currently hovering, via the use of the Mark 42, about twenty metres off the ground. The crowd that he'd managed to gather while Hiccup and Bruce were off pie-collecting were rushing around below him, while JARVIS provided targets amongst the helpless citizens.
"We're going to need some more pies, though," he shouted back to Bruce, who was looking slightly wobbly in a suit of his own - sprayed a vivid hulk green, naturally, with purple as a secondary colour. The physicist nodded, and jetted off. Tony took a moment to marvel at how Bruce was managing to have an unstable flight, even with JARVIS's autopilot, before turning back to the crowd.
He sighted a man coming out of a nearby skyscraper. His suit indicated that he'd been in some sort of meeting, and he was sporting a hat and briefcase to boot. Well, he clearly needs a bit more excitement in his life... Tony tossed a pie, and the man's hat was knocked clean off in the impact.
"Headshot!" Tony cried out, punching a fist out into the air.
The people of New York had been under attack by Hiccup, Tony and Bruce for about half an hour now. In that time, Nick Fury had attempted to (and then given up on trying to) persuade Tony to stop. After five minutes of SHIELD's director shouting into their ears, the three had driven him off with a sing-song chant of "Pop-eye's a party pooper!", which kept up for a good ten minutes, until Fury finally sighed, and, with a click that somehow sounded disappointed (Nick Fury had a talent for making things sound disappointed, even if they weren't able to convey emotion or change tone. Especially then.) he ended communication.
Hiccup, in his own suit for the targeting system if nothing else, spotted someone holding up a camera. Rather than be terribly embarrassed, or possibly ashamed, as he probably would've been under normal circumstances, the rush of giddiness the sheer ludicrousness of his actions was giving him made him approach the man.
"That gonna be on the news?" he asked, pointing to the camera. The man nodded, eyeing the pie in the Viking's hand with caution. Hiccup noted that the apparent reporter's clothes were, presently, clean. That needs fixing... "Good." Hiccup responded to the nod, then backed off a bit. "Make sure this gets on."
"Hey guys!" he waved at the camera. JARVIS was sure to have switched the TV over to the news, and Clint had been playing Mario Kart for the last 24 hours and assumedly still was, so there was at least one Avenger there to receive the message. "It might not be against you directly, but I think we can all agree that this puts Science Bros at a pretty much unbeatable first, right?"
He nodded to the cameraman. "Thanks." he said, then promptly threw a pie directly at the good fellow's face.
It was two hours before the Science Bros finally ran out of steam, and of pies. Hiccup traded the suit - autopilot was such a useful function - for his dragon, and they made a hasty retreat.
The streets surrounding the tower were, by then, empty. And completely covered in cream.
"What were you thinking?"
"Mainly how funny everyone's faces looked, to be honest." Tony shrugged. "And anyway, I think we brought a bit of excitement to everyone's lives there, so, technically we were doing them a service!"
Judging by Fury's unimpressed expression, he didn't agree.
"It was irresponsible, reckless, it could've got someone injured -"
"Probably not," Hiccup intoned helpfully, "JARVIS has really good targeting; we'd've known if the pie was gonna hurt someone."
Fury glared.
"Okay, shutting up now..."
"There's not much you can do about it now, really." Natasha pointed out. "Besides, nothing was tied to SHIELD."
"Yes." Fury agreed. Tony grinned at his helpful teammate. "Which is why I've decided to leave SHIELD out of this completely, and leave Mr Stark to deal with the bad press himself."
Tony shrugged. He was still getting off lightly, all things considered.
"I'd suggest starting with a public apology, which is why I've organised an interview for you. It's in a few hours; they're coming to the tower to do it, actually."
As Tony spluttered, shocked and suddenly inconvenienced - though not enough to regret the glorious Popeye chant - Fury marched out of the room, irritatingly smug.
"And a good day to you too!" Tony said after him, once he was sure the director was out of earshot.
Paul stared up at the tower, squinting as the windows glittered in the sun. He was relatively new at being a reporter, but he was no stranger to being the newbie, so he was almost certain that he'd only been chosen to do the interview at the Avengers Tower because his fellow reporters didn't think that Tony was being entirely serious.
Paul couldn't blame their scepticism. The billionaire had just ambushed New York's streets... with cream filled pies. Nevertheless, there was still a chance that his encounter wouldn't end with a pie to the face, so here he was.
The front doors appeared to be sliding ones, though they didn't move as Paul approached. Craning his neck to view the upper doorframe and wondering who exactly was tall enough to warrant such a tall door, Paul nearly toppled over backwards when a voice rang out.
"Ah, you would be Mr Hanson."
The voice came from above, and Paul found himself craning his neck even more to try and discern its origin.
"I am JARVIS, Mr Stark's AI." the voice continued. "Are you Mr Hanson?"
"Uh..." Paul nodded dumbly, then, not sure whether the voice - AI, whatever that was - could hear him, "Yeah. Paul Hanson."
"Nice to meet you." JARVIS was still speaking in monotone. Paul wondered how a computer - it sounded like a computer, anyway - could genuinely enjoy something - they weren't capable of feeling... right? - as he walked through the now-open doors.
"Uh, thanks." Paul offered, taking a look around the entrance. For someone as rich, and show-offish, as Tony Stark, the room was surprisingly bare, nondescript. There was a staircase to the right, and a lift to the left, but otherwise nothing of particular note. It didn't look unwelcoming, though: the lighting was such that the room was clearly visible, but not too stark - pun somewhat intended.
"The elevator will take you to the right floor." JARVIS prompted.
"Right!" Paul startled back into action, and entered the lift. It was strange - like a normal lift in any other way, except it had a grand total of zero buttons.
It appeared to be operated by the AI - Paul was, by now, fairly certain that this 'JARVIS' could see him - as the doors shut behind him as he walked in, and the strange feeling of weightlessness that came with being lifted at considerable speed set in.
"Good day, Mr Hanson." the AI said, as the lift came to a smooth stop, and the doors opened to reveal a living space, furnished with a few leather settees and a small bar area. "Mr Stark will be with you presently."
'Presently' turned out to be exactly as JARVIS finished speaking. Tony Stark made his grand appearance, jetting down the outside of a tower in an Iron Man suit.
"Hello there." the billionaire said casually, as his suit disassembled around him.
Paul gave the man a once-over. He didn't appear to be concealing any pies on his person, but the reporter didn't relax just yet.
"I'll be honest with you, I didn't actually organise this interview thing." Tony walked over to a seat and leant back into it, gesturing Paul to do the same. "Head of the Avengers decided I needed to do a public apology. Apparently that means talking to you."
Paul 'hmm'ed agreement, placing his bag down next to him. "I have the camera with me. Where should I put it?"
"Wherever." Tony waved the question off, then stood up again. "Want a drink?" he asked as he approached the bar, holding up an empty glass and shaking it slightly.
"No thanks." Paul shook his head; they were getting off topic. "About the interview..."
"Yeah, I'll get round to it." Tony was walking back now, with a drink, and a glass of what appeared to be orange juice with a tiny parasol, and... was that a raw fish? The billionaire set the drinks and the fish down on the table, then set about arranging the camera himself. "You seem like a nice guy, whatever your name is, so I'm gonna warn you about this... I'm gonna get my friend down here, and he has a dragon."
Paul blinked. "Dragon?" A komodo dragon, possibly an electronic one?
"Yep!" Tony confirmed. "Hey, J, tell Chiefy-poo to get his butt down here."
"...Chiefy-poo?" Paul muttered, thoroughly confused. The interview - which still hadn't even started, technically, was definitely not going the way he'd expected it to.
Tony grinned at him, then turned back over to the landing point for the suits. Paul hadn't been present at the Pie Incident, but he'd heard about it, and there had apparently been more than one suit present. Maybe this Chief guy is one of the ones from the suits?
Ah. Paul was out of surprise by now, so he settled on indifference. He meant a literal dragon.
How had nobody noticed an actual dragon flying around?
"Nice dragon." Paul complimented, as the young man - he looked barely out of his teens - with a strange prosthetic leg climbed off the black dragon and walked over.
"Thanks." the dragon rider said. "I'm Hiccup," he introduced, "and this is Toothless."
Toothless opened his mouth and snarled threateningly. Oh. That name doesn't really fit.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Avengers were watching the video feed from the security cameras.
"That's amazing!" Clint tried and failed to contain his laughter, and ended up rolling off the sofa and onto the floor.
"He is coping well with the revelation of the dragon?" Thor guessed.
"Are you kidding?" Clint laughed. "Nah, he's losing it right now. Look at that blank stare. I bet he doesn't even know what's going on anymore."
Natasha gave a smile of her own. "This should make the apology a bit more interesting. So, is it on now?"
"The introduction is." JARVIS informed, and the TV screen switched to show the right channel. "I assume you're watching it?"
"You know us well, kind ceiling voice."
Clint quirked an eyebrow. "You know that's not what it is, right?"
"Is it not a voice?" Thor asked evenly. Clint nodded. "Does it not resonate from the ceiling?"
"Yeah, but -" Clint sighed. He knew when he was beat. "Whatever."
Thor grinned.
"Okay, it's starting now," Astrid pointed out. "Look, there's Tony. And... not Hiccup?"
The others who had gathered in the room - Clint and Thor, as well as Ruffnut, Tuffnut, Natasha, and, surprisingly enough, Steve - immediately dropped their casual banter to watch the interview.
After a short introduction - not that there was anyone, even living under a rock, who didn't know who Tony Stark was - the interviewer began. "So Tony, I understand that you want to explain the... incident?"
"Oh, yeah, totally." Tony grinned in the camera's direction. "Hey guys," he grinned even more, "why don't you come down here, be a live audience, 'stead of sulking up in the tower?"
"Ah, yes," the interviewer spoke for the audience's benefit, "this is coming live from the Avengers Tower, so Mr Stark -"
"Tony."
"- Tony, is talking to his fellow Avengers." the interviewer finished, not tripping up over Tony's interruption. "Now, if you would explain the events, please?"
"Oh, yeah, that." Tony scratched his head thoughtfully. "It was just a bit of fun, y'know? Me and the rest of the group are having a prank war, of sorts, so I was participating. Team bonding exercise!"
The interviewer nodded. "I see. Now, I have one of the co-conspirators here - not one of the Avengers, but... a friend?"
That was a guess; apparently Tony hadn't given away the Vikings just yet.
"Yeah." Hiccup came onto the screen with a little wave to the camera. He sat back against the sofa, shifting into a position mirroring Tony's. "I don't really get what you want me to say, though," the Viking continued, "it was just a bit of fun, and it was kinda hilarious..."
Tony laughed. "Exactly my point! If not for Popeye the Prickface, we wouldn't even have to do this whole 'public apology' deal." The billionaire looked directly into the camera. "That's right: we're not sorry. So you can get the sticks out from up your asses and deal with it!"
The interviewer spluttered his way through a conclusion to the interview, and the screen cut back to the studio, where an amused anchorwoman chuckled: "Well, that was certainly interesting. Next up -"
Before the next piece of news could be broken, the TV switched itself off.
"Well, that went well." Natasha said - without sarcasm, surprisingly.
"That was good?" Steve asked, incredulous. "What's bad, then?"
"Last time SHIELD organised him an interview he ended up announcing that he was Iron Man." Natasha deadpanned.
"It gets worse," Clint added, noticing the astonished looks, "he only did it to spite this chick who said he wasn't a hero."
"Hey! It was totally worth it - did you even see the look on her face?" Tony was at the window, which was just opening to allow him in.
Clint shrugged. "I prefer the look on people's faces when I demonstrate my epic archery skills. Or my amazing intellect."
"So modest." Hiccup came in behind Tony, hovering for a moment before disembarking Toothless. "Paul left," he told Tony. "JARVIS said he'd made it out."
Tony nodded. "Good. He'll probably be fine."
"Sir," JARVIS interrupted, "MrHanson just collapsed outside the tower."
"Like I said, just fine." Tony repeated. "And now, let us Never Speak of This Again."
"So, uh, Mr Thor,"
"Just Thor is fine." the Asgardian smiled.
"Oh, sorry, uh, Thor... Not to be rude, but, why did you come back?"
"Guess he finished beating the ever loving crap outa people." Clint said. Fishlegs scowled at the blasé archer. "Oh come on! Just cause you worship a guy with the same name doesn't mean I have to act like he's the best thing since sliced bread!"
"Maybe sliced bread was the best thing since Thor." Natasha guessed, noticing Fishlegs' confusion at the expression. "Anyway, yeah, you're probably just gonna have to get over it, Legs; Clint's not one to respect people, and Tony isn't either."
"I think we're getting away from the point here," Astrid said pointedly. "Why is Thor here?"
"I have finished bringing peace across the Nine Realms." Thor explained.
"See? Told you!"
"Shut up, Clint."
"And," Thor acted as though the spies hadn't interrupted him, I wished to once again meet with Lady Jane."
"Ha!" Clint grinned, "Betcha didn't know your Almighty God is in love with a moorrtaaall!"
Thor looked oddly over at Clint, who was waggling his fingers mysteriously in Fishlegs' direction. "I am also mortal." he pointed out.
"Okay, so maybe there are a few differences between our Thor and yours." Astrid conceded. "But aren't you married to Sif?"
"Lady Sif is a good friend," Thor agreed, "but to marry her?"
Fishlegs gaped, in a marvellous impression of a fish. "You - you didn't marry... Wow..."
With that, the confused Viking stood up and wandered off, muttering something about telling the others the news.
"So, Lady Jane?" Natasha prompted.
"Oh yeah, you weren't invited to Mexico." Clint realised. "Well, she's an... astrophysicist? Probably - anyway, she's sciencey. And she was the one who found Thor." That prompted a memory, and Clint gave a quiet laugh. "I remember her face when we took all her stuff. And her friend was more interested in the loss of her iPod."
"Lady Darcy." Thor provided. "She was the one who tazed me."
"Someone tazed you?" Tony stood in the doorway, Astrid and the other Vikings behind him. "I need to meet this guy."
"She's a girl." Natasha corrected.
Tony shrugged. "Guy is totally a gender neutral term." He moved into the room, giving space for the others to file in after him. "So, when do we meet 'em?"
"We?" Clint repeated, "Who said anything about 'we'?"
"Me, just then, Mr Spoilsport." Tony grinned, then clasped his hands together. The rest of the room - excepting Thor - groaned, some less internally than others; Tony clasping his hands together always heralded a new, usually brainless, plan. "So where is this god-tazer?"
"In England." Natasha replied, not missing a beat. "What?" she said in response to the odd looks she gained. "I looked her up in the SHIELD files when you mentioned her."
"Okay then, looks like we're all taking a trip to England!"
1000 Captain Obvious points to the first guy to guess which movie we're doing next.
Oh yeah, and it appears they've taken down the spellchecker? God damn you fanfic that was the only one I had! So yeah, any typos you saw there were equal parts my laziness and fanfic fan-fucking up.
Last thing I swear: we passed 100 reviews! Yeah! Here's to getting 100 more (and not mysteriously stopping at 199 like other fics I could mention *glares at D:OoB*)