Xenophobia

by AbsoluteIndifference

Two exterminators with a penchant for violence crash on a peaceful planet inhabited by sentient quadrupeds. Tranquility will not last, however. Something else crashed in the land of Equestria: A creature notorious for its brutality and insatiable hunger.

14. Chapter 11

Enjoy!

---

Chapter 11

"I spent all of yesterday laying out that shit," Jer murmured contentedly. "So worth it."

The defense barrier had done its job perfectly, and, as Gerald watched the blue waves of energy dance across the air in front of him he felt a twinge in his loins. The satisfied human smirked to himself. It had been awhile since he'd blown anything up, let alone got an erection from it.

Today was going to be a good day; he could feel it.

As the visual feedback from the defense barrier faded away, Jer was able to assess the effectiveness of his efforts. There was very little smoke, and only scattered patches of flame, for the blast had been mainly concussive in nature. There was no sense in burning the whole forest down, now was there? Sure, they would've been fine in their shielded clearing, but still…

Scorched branches were scattered about—especially around the defense barrier—and a wide furrow had been cut through the soft earth of the forest floor as far as the eye could see. Trees lay splintered and uprooted on both sides of the impromptu pathway, and torn-up plant life lay indiscriminately about, bleeding sap and green chlorophyll ichor.

"Fucking beautiful," a voice growled in the back of Jer's head, "Again."

"Heh, yeah…" Jer began, staring down the avenue of destruction he'd just created, "and no, we've got work to do."

"Wh-Why?" came a stuttering voice from behind the destruction-sated human. Jer turned to find Lounge Lizard, Sparky's dragon slave, gaping at the aftermath of Jer's carefully laid explosives. "Why did you… how did you… nuh?"

Ditzy Doo sat next to the baby dragon, her expression much the same, if not more horrified than Spike's. The human felt a slight twinge at that, but quickly suppressed it. He liked Ditzy. She was carefree and childish, something Gerald admired in an adult. He was comfortable around her like he had been with Pinkie and the crusaders before, but, even so, her face was just too priceless for him to feel bad. Jer laughed openly at Spike and Ditzy's incredulity—it was kind of cute, really. They were like he was when he'd first joined the Marines: utterly awed by the level of power that he, along with his other squad-mates, was being allowed to wield. This was no time to be nostalgic, however. There was still so much to do, and he needed to move.

"Let's load up!" he cried, striding confidently over to his two guests and sweeping them up in his arms. "Gotta get going if we want to make the train."

"It doesn't leave for five hours!" Spike complained. "And you didn't answer my question!" Neither he nor the grey pegasus struggled in his grasp, whether from fear or awe Jer didn't care. As long as they came along he wasn't worried about it. "Are you listening to me? You just destroyed half the Everfree Forest!"

"I did no such thing," Jer grunted out as he lifted the two natives into the passenger set of the jeep. "Though, if me an' Ray weren't trying to conserve our fuel it wouldn't be difficult to do." They were staring again, horrified. "How did you think I was going to get the jeep out of here? Fly? The trees are too thick to just drive through, and I doubt Sparky could magic it out without hurting herself."

Yesterday morning, Gerald had gotten up bright and early and grabbed a roll of detcord he'd pawned his old helmet and a dried xeno-tongue aphrodisiac for on a quick stop at Sansara, the capital city of the colony on Jiboomi. The cord was about two centimeters thick, covered in thin, yellow rubber that would rip apart when the potent, explosive plastique inside went off. The stuff was normally used in mining operations, and was heavy as all hell on the industrial roller he was forced to use. Laying it all the way to the edge of the forest had taken nine hours, and Scoots, curious as to where he'd gone and using the wire as a guide, had followed his trail and joined him with food later in the day.

Though inconvenient, actually laying the wire hadn't been all that difficult, but that wasn't to say there weren't any obstacles. For the bigger trees in his way, Jer had wrapped the cord around their trunks as close to the ground as he could, hoping to fell them and push them out of the way with little extra effort later. The occasional boulder was dealt with in the same fashion, albeit with more explosive. When he'd made it near the edge, the tired human had simply stopped laying cord. The trees were spread far enough apart by then that he could easily drive around them, and he didn't want it to be too easy to find what he was about to make. There were no paths to their ship, so Jer made a road.

Spike furrowed his brow, trying to accept Gerald's justification for such chaos, and Ditzy just stared silently at the cavernous hole in the foliage across camp. Jer walked around to the back of the jeep and tightened the straps around the canvas bundle held down below the scaffold for the rotary cannon. Confident that it was secure, he strolled to the database in the center of camp, set it to "delayed" deactivation, and went back to the jeep.

He had one minute to get going before the shields went back up.

Hopping in the driver's seat, he glanced at Spike and Ditzy. Ditzy was shaking her head left and right, perhaps to stop her head from ringing, but Spike was smiling and had a familiar gleam in his eye: a gleam Jer often saw when he looked in the mirror.

Good: at least the walking fax machine recovered quickly.

"That. Was. Awesome," the reptile slowly enunciated, his smile growing even wider. "I don't know how you did it, and I don't care. I don't even like Everfree all that much: too many monsters. Destroy as much of it as you like… just don't let Twilight find out."

"Heh, fine by me. Ditz? You okay?" Jer asked. The wall-eyed pegasus smiled weakly and nodded. Jer guessed power of that kind just didn't sit right with her. Too bad. "All right then, let's get going."

With that, Gerald Hanes stuck his thumb in the starting mechanism of the jeep: a shallow depression with a tiny hole in the center. A small needle shot from the hole, pricking his skin and drawing drop of blood. Two seconds later, a button on the dashboard lit up, and Jer pressed it with the same thumb. The vehicle roared to life, and the exterminator immediately pressed the pedal to the floor.

The jeep sped into the hole made by Jer's explosives, rocketing down the new forest road. Thirty seconds later, the humans' barrier flickered to life once more.

---

"God Dammit!" Spike watched the human pace back and forth in front of the gigantic tree blocking their path. Apparently, Jer's magic forest-destroying weapon wasn't as potent as was necessary, and had merely toppled the enormous, wooden ancient down the middle of his path. "I wrapped you five times! Five! Fuck you, Nature! Fuck you!"

"Jer!" Spike sighed, poking him in the calf with a claw. "Calm down, man! Let's just go get Twilight. She'll levitate the jeep over it." The pacing human froze and stared at Spike, his lips curving into a smile he didn't quite like. "Wh-What?"

"Hey, Loungey… Buddy…" He crouched down in front of Spike, putting himself level with the baby dragon. "You can teleport things, right?"

"Uh, no, I can't," Spike answered warily. "I'm a dragon, dude. We can't do things like that."

"Oh, yeah? Then what about those fire-letters ya send, eh? What do you call that?" Jer crossed his arms and smiled in smug victory.

"That's an enchantment Twilight put on me and it wouldn't work in this case!" the small dragon countered.

"And why not?"

"Because the things I send go directly to Princess Celestia, and nowhere else!" Spike finished, having had enough of Jer's line of questioning. "Besides, it's not me sending it that scares me, but somepony sending it back! I'm not big enough to cough THAT up!" Jer didn't look sympathetic. In fact, he looked quite far from it. His smile had taken on a malicious air.

"Straight to Celestia you say?" he mused, directing his words carefully at Spike, who, unfortunately, was the only one there since Ditzy had left when they'd first stopped to move a smaller tree out of the path. She'd said something about her daughter and being late for lunch, and had given both males a peck on the cheek before flying off. "I'm sure she would understand, Little Man. C'mon, for me." Spike just eyed him suspiciously. "I'll get ya one a them gem-cakes Pinkie makes."

Spike waged an internal battle: one that lasted all of four seconds.

"Fine… but you'd better get me the emerald kind. I'm not settling for any of that jade mino-manure the Cakes peddle," Spike conceded, still trying to sound menacing and in control. "Oh," he added as an afterthought, "and if Celestia gets angry, you forced me to do it." Grey flames danced in the grinning human's eyes.

"I wouldn't dream of implicating you," he assured, and, for some reason, Spike believed him. There was something about the way he was smiling that made the young reptile afraid, but not for himself. Jer's malice was directed elsewhere, and Spike thought he knew toward whom.

With a soft sigh, he walked up to the torn base of the gigantic arboreal wall. Spike took a deep breath and flexed the small slit in the back of his throat, releasing a cold liquid down his throat. The liquid began to react with his saliva, and when he breathed a solid jet of green flame gouted from his toothy maw. As the flames touched the fallen giant, it dissolved into a green mist, and quickly slithered through the canopy toward Canterlot. He moved along the tree until he had engulfed the whole thing with his breath, leaving behind its impression in the loamy ground and nothing else.

Spike turned to find a completely dumbfounded human sitting behind him.

"How do you do that?"

"Twilight took me aside and told me how the whole 'breathing fire' thing worked when I was younger, but I didn't really listen," Spike chuckled. "As for the fire messaging? I understand magic just about as much as the average Earth Pony, so don't ask me."

"Fair enough," the human settled, jumping to his feet. "Thanks Spike, I'll grab you that cupcake from Pinkie when we get to Ponyville."

"Eh! Hold on! You said 'cake,'" the dragon snarked. "I expect a rich, crunchy, emerald cake."

Jer sniggered. "Fine, just get in, man."

The smug dragon walked over the passenger side of the jeep, and, with a little help from Jer, pulled himself into the rather uncomfortable seats. He reached behind his back and grabbed his tail, pulling it around his body and clutching it to his chest so he wouldn't crush it on the seat back behind him. The machinery inside Jer's vehicle revved, and the jeep shot down the path. Trees sped by at frightening speeds, and Spike was reminded of how it felt to get a pegasus ride from Rainbow Dash.

After about a minute of roaring through Everfree, Jer spoke again:

"I forgot to ask... how old are ya? Scoots said you're a baby dragon, but you've got quite the vocabulary for an infant." Jer glanced at him, then focused on the road again. "Sorry if that's offensive or some shit. Just wanted to know."

Spike didn't mind. It was a sensible question, especially for someone who'd never met a dragon before. "No, it's fine. I'm sixteen in pony years."

"And in dragon years?"

"Eh, those vary according to what kind of dragon you are. It's a long story."

Jer flashed Spike a grin. "Well, we have a few hours, and I don't mind learnin' a few things."

The sixteen-year-old reptile smiled back.

"Okay… it all has to do with greed…"

---

The train station was crowded, but, out of the immense mass of bodies, Rarity only had eyes for two of the departing ponies. Why? Because they weren't. Ponies, that is.

"So what yer tellin' me, is that the more gold and jewels and stuff a dragon has the bigger he gets? And when people gave you a bunch of shit for your birthday, you turned into a big hulking greed monster that destroyed town?"

"Yep! *Mmnmpf* Tha's right. *gnom*"

"That really makes no sense, but whatever."

"*Mnomph* 'Kay."

"Slow down with that thing, Bud. You're going to burst and I'm gonna have to clean you off the station floor. Besides, if you get sick I'll have to deal with a very angry unicorn later."

"Ugh, don't remind me! I don't understand what's gotten her so riled up! Her brother's getting married for Luna's sake!"

"You should probably go give her a hand with packing, Little Bro."

"Yeah… you want the rest of this?"

"Um… no… but thanks anyway."

Spike and Mr. Hanes had been lazing on the bench by the ticket booth for an hour, and hadn't noticed Rarity listening to them from around the corner. It amazed her how comfortable her Spikey-Wikey was with him, but, then again, her off-and-on assistant did make friends easily. She heard him leave the platform, crunching on a green-tinged cake that she'd glimpsed when she'd nearly ran into them around the corner.

Luckily she'd backed away before they'd noticed her, and, because of that, she was able to eavesdrop in peace.

Through the bustle of ponies walking to and fro, a quiet humming drifted around the corner—erratic, yet melodious in its own right. The human was alone on the bench. Rarity bit her lip and shifted restlessly on her hooves. Applejack had visited her Boutique two days ago, after she'd come home from Canterlot with Sweetie Belle, and had informed her of what had happened while she'd been absent.

Needless to say, it was the worst possible thing.

Just when she thought she could justify not liking them, those two creatures had to go and completely change her opinion of them. Raymond saved Applebloom's life, and Gerald practically adopted Scootaloo, something Rarity kept telling herself she would've done had she known about the little pegasus's predicament. It made her think about how she'd treated them, Jer especially. She didn't know whether to be frustrated or grateful for that, but she was going to make things right. Steeling herself, Rarity ran a hoof through her perfectly coiffed mane, checked her make-up in a nearby puddle, and turned the corner.

There he was: the alien who was generous enough to adopt a filly of a completely different species without complaint. He was staring at the platform, watching ponies walk by with their luggage, lovers nuzzle each other as they parted ways, and the three o' clock train pull into the station. Leaning forward on the joints of his forelegs from where he sat, he hummed quietly all the while with an ugly grimace stretched across his thin lips.

The fact that Gerald wasn't smiling caused Rarity to falter a bit. It seemed like he was always smiling about something or other. Was now a bad time? The alabaster unicorn briefly considered turning back, but quickly decided against it. All he needed was somepony to talk to, and she was by far the best pony to do it with.

Rarity continued her approach, subconsciously swinging her hips and giving her mane a quick flip before correcting herself with a blush, noting the looks she was getting from the other colts in the station. She needed to work on controlling that. Gerald was of a different species, anyway, and she had no real interest in him. The sultry walk had been mere habit, and she didn't want anypony getting the wrong idea.

"Gerald, Darling!" she called, approaching the bench. The human gave a light jolt, and, noticing her, quirked an eyebrow. He didn't smile. "Ooh… not a good start."

"Hmm?" Gerald enquired unenthusiastically.

"I w-well uh," Rarity stuttered. She hadn't really thought this through very well. "H-How are you, Darling? It's been days since we've seen each other, and I just wanted to know how you've been settling in." The alabaster mare smiled nervously, trying to better gauge the human's mood.

"We aren't 'settling in'," he answered distantly, scanning the crowds of ponies departing the recently arrived train from Dodge Junction. Was he expecting someone? Mr. Schaffer, maybe? "Our ship's pretty much fixed, so as soon as this wedding's finished we'll be on our way."

"Oh…" Rarity trailed off, surprised. They were leaving? So soon? But… no! She hadn't properly apologized to them yet and—the fashionista's eyes widened at a sudden realization and she scowled angrily. "Wait! What about Scootaloo? You can't seriously be considering bringing the poor dear with you!"

"No," came Jer's distracted reply. He didn't even seem to be watching the crowd anymore. Now the hunched creature was just staring at… well, nothing.

"So you're just leaving her all alone again? Cad! I can see it now!" Rarity leapt onto her hind legs and threw a foreleg over her eyes. "The lonely orange waif: wandering the streets of Ponyville without a home, having grown slight from lack of food and drink!" The pale unicorn was dimly aware of being stared at by passing ponies, but at that moment she didn't care. "The pseudo-father she loved so dearly, though he was of an entirely different species, left her for parts unknown like a careless, unfeeling—"

"I'm finding her a place to live before we go," the victim of her rant stated, still not looking her in the eye. "There are a few things I have to take care of, and that's priority number two."

Her torrid speech so rudely interrupted, Rarity didn't know how to feel about the human's remark. "Two?" she finally asked, torn between anger and confusion. "What could possibly be more important than finding that filly a home?"

The human turned, finally meeting her eyes, or, more accurately, staring through them. "The job," he deadpanned.

"Playing music… at the Royal Wedding?" Rarity stared, mouth agape. "That's more important than Scootaloo's future?" Jer quirked an eyebrow, eyes still scanning some distant horizon.

"Sweetie Belle."

"Pardon?"

"Where's she staying while you're at the wedding?" the human continued dryly. "She certainly wasn't invited, and the filly told me herself that her parents are in 'Hoofington' for the weekend." Rarity's mouth snapped shut. She hadn't even thought about what to do with Sweetie Belle! And she was already at the train station! The porcelain mare began to panic and turned to dash back to the boutique, but was stopped by a swift tug on her perfectly styled tail. "I took care of it," Rarity heard Jer assure, almost offhandedly. "She's out with Ray and her friends. They should be here any minute."

Rarity let out the breath she hadn't known she was holding and sat on her haunches. Quickly checking to make sure her tail hadn't been skewed by his abrupt yank, the white unicorn turned back to Gerald.

"I wasn't aware the Crusaders were staying in your clearing today…"

"Mhmm..."

"… how did they get there? They didn't go through the forest on their ow—"

"You doubt my ability to keep them safe?" Gerald's voice darkened, and he finally focused his full attention on Rarity, prompting her to back away slightly. "Scoots wanted to see her friends. I escorted them back personally, along with Big Mac for as far as he could squeeze in." The human went back to looking at the crowd, snarling. "If I can't protect a child I don't deserve to be in my line of work, or even continue living for that matter."

This wasn't how Rarity had pictured this conversation at all. She stared open-mouthed at the grimacing human, aghast at the suicidal—yet noble, even bordering on romantic—implications of his recent statement. Her plan had been to apologize, and now, because of her overreaction, they were back at square one. Ignoring the intricacies of his previous statement, Rarity pushed deftly onward.

"Look, Gerald… I didn't mean to offend you or anything," she began after a brief pause. "I had originally planned this out as an apology for my attitude earlier. At the party… I should never have dismissed you like that, and I'm truly sorry for judging you so harshly. The fact that you took in young Scootaloo so unexpectedly, out of the kindness and generosity of your heart, proves that I was wrong about you. Can you find it within yourself to forgive a judgmental young mare of her misconduct?"

"Myeh," Jer grunted. "Probably."

"That's it?" Rarity stumbled, unsure if she was hearing him right. "You forgive me? Really?"

Gerald broke away from his crowd-watching once more and grinned cheekily at her. "Yeah. You didn't really do all that much to upset me, anyway." The unicorn blinked.

"B-But… no!" Rarity cried, inching closer to the seated human who had so easily accepted her apology. "That simply won't do! I've been a terrible pony and I absolutely MUST make it up to you!" Jer scooted further away from her and shot the distraught mare a bemused look.

"Uh, no. I'm fine, thanks."

"I will not take no for an answer," Rarity scoffed. "Please, just let me make you and Mr. Shaffer some clothes becoming of the ceremony you've been invited to. I promise you'll be the most handsome humans there!" She gave the man a pleading look, hoping he wouldn't remember that he and Mr. Schaffer would be the only humans there. After a moment, a genuine laugh escaped the seated biped.

"Whatever floats your boat, lady."

A companionable silence descended on the pair, and Jer moved over far enough on the bench for Rarity to comfortably sit alongside him. The alabaster mare watched Gerald stare into space for a time, wondering what was going on in the poor creature's head, before deciding on another attempt at conversation.

"So, Gerald… Who have you been looking into?"

"Hmmm?" the human replied, seeming to pull himself back into reality. "Looking into?"

"I mean as parents," the unicorn prodded, "for Scootaloo?"

"Ah, yeah. That," Jer muttered, grimacing. "My first thought was the schoolteacher, but we didn't really hit it off all that great at our first meeting. She's still high on the list, since dealing with kids is kind of her thing, but…" he trailed off, looking directly at Rarity with those grey eyes of his. "Well, she had the most contact with Scoots, and she didn't notice her…" Jer waved his hand in the air, searching for the right word, maybe?

"Predicament?" Rarity offered.

"Yeah," Gerald's lips twisted into a snarl. "She mailed her grades for Pete's sake! How the fuck did she not notice when they didn't go through?"

"You do know who our mailmare is, right Darling?" Rarity conceded that Gerald made a good point, but, knowing Ditzy Doo, those grade reports could have gone anywhere. Besides, she knew that wasn't the reason Mr. Hanes and Ms. Cheerilee hadn't hit it off. Sweetie Belle had informed her of the incident of their first meeting, and the human hadn't made an excellent impression. Granted, Diamond Tiara hadn't been hurt in the affair, but Cheerilee was known for being very protective of her students: even the insensitive, rude, spoiled, brats who dared hurt her little sister's feelings. "I was informed of the circumstances of your and Cheerilee's first meeting, and I'm fairly certain I understand her trepidation."

Gerald smirked, flashing her a quick wink. "Yeah, well, I did overreact a bit," he chuckled. Rarity didn't understand how he could take the affair so lightly, and, noticing the look she was giving him, Jer explained a bit better. "Some people just don't understand the difference between the 'flat' and the 'blade' of a knife. 'Save your anger for the bugs' I always say."

"Ah," Rarity mouthed. "I understand." She didn't, but that didn't matter at the moment. There was something else she was more curious about. "Applejack told me that Filthy Rich paid you a visit shortly afterward…"

"The pink one's father? Yeah."

"How did that, eh, as Rainbow would say, 'slide'?"

"Oh he was angry at first," Jer answered airily, leaning back on the bench and stretching his legs. "But then we got to talking. I found out he was something of a 'business stallion' and I gave him some advice, along with a short history lesson…"

"And you're certain that's how this 'director' of yours took over your nation's government?"

"Yep, and the first step is getting rid of all unnecessary distractions. I would spend a few weeks indoors, send your daughter to boarding school far away, or maybe even take up meditation. Also, it's good to have a partner: someone who you could easily manipulate while also giving your company the illusion of cooperation between two firms instead of looking like a dictatorship. What was that pony's name? Bronze Spoon? Hit him up, and be sure to give him the same advice I gave you."

Oh now that was devious. Rarity listened to Gerald recount his earlier conversation with the richest pony in town and giggled. "You got the 'Terrible-Twosome' sent to boarding school?" she queried, prodding him in the arm. "You cunning stallion, you!" Gerald didn't seem to be listening, for his attention had drifted elsewhere. Rarity followed his gaze. "Speaking of stallions…"

A large, red draft horse with several fillies on his back climbed the steps onto the platform, followed closely by Mr. Shaffer and Applejack. The human carried a bulky, grey duffel slung across his back, and Applejack toted her old, worn saddlebags. Both human and pony looked exhausted, but that didn't seem to faze Gerald as he strode toward them. Rarity blinked.

She hadn't even seen him get up.

The shorter of the two humans pulled even with his counterpart and heartily clapped him on the back, exclaiming something unintelligible. Ray's duffel slipped from his shoulder, threatening to land heavily on the platform. The scarred human, in an amazing—at least to Rarity, whom very seldom stood on two hooves, it seemed amazing—display of balance and poise, stooped down and caught the bulky item by the strap.

Ray straightened and glared at his compatriot. The Apple family, along with whom Rarity quickly identified as Scootaloo and her little sister shied away from the two humans, glancing uncomfortably between the two. The watching fashionista perked up.

"Drama? No, interplanetary drama!" Rarity suppressed a squeal. Now she had something to gossip about while in Canterlot!

Further out on the platform, Gerald shrunk away from his friend, giving him a questioning look. He said something, but Rarity couldn't hear over the babble of the crowd. Suddenly, Raymond was nose to nose with the smaller man, growling something and pointing east, across town and into Everfree Forest. The finger traveled turned and pointed at the ponies he had arrived with, starting with the three fillies still riding the eldest Apple male before resting with an air of finality on Applejack, who looked generally uncomfortable and was trying to make herself as low as possible against the wood flooring of the station.

This was good. Really good, but bad… but in a good way. Rarity had no idea what was going on and she couldn't let this gossip just slip away. She quickly—still maintaining the grace expected of a lady of her stature—slid from the bench and tried to weave her way through the crowd. Not nearly as many out-of-towners were gawking at the two bipeds in their midst, and the awkward crush of ponies made it difficult for Rarity to get any closer without seeming uncouth. This annoyed the unicorn to no end. Why were they just ignoring two obviously alien creatures? What, did they think they were just a couple runt diamond dogs? Honestly.

Despite the obstacles, she made it just in time to catch the tail end of the altercation.

"I told you exactly how I was getting the jeep out and you didn't complain at all! 'It would conserve fuel' you said!" Jer stated, backing away from Raymond and holding his arms up in a placating manner. While his body screamed apologetic submission, his face told a different story. Gerald's jaw was clenched so tightly that Rarity was afraid he'd shatter his teeth. Then there were his eyes. Dear Celestia, those eyes! While the muscles in the biped's throat remained taught and in the moment, his slate eyes stared at nothing, flickering between fury and solemn defiance. His expression flickered along with his eyes, and it was impossible for the eggshell unicorn to gauge the true emotion he displayed. "I'm sorry I didn't give you more warning. I thought my COM call was enough," the clearly conflicted human hissed.

"A better warning would have been nice, yes," Ray snarled, one hand pinching the bridge of his nose while the other fell to his side, clenching and relaxing intermittently. "Less explosive would have been nice, too. You didn't need nearly that much to get the job done: half the roll would have cleared a path just as easily. You used the whole spool didn't you?" the human growled and continued, not waiting for an answer. "We felt the shockwave from the goddamn farm, Jer!"

"That may be true, but…" Gerald glanced at the ponies gathered behind Raymond before moving close enough to speak quietly into Raymond's ear. Rarity had gained enough ground now to catch some snippets of what he said: "… training, man… eep your finger off the trig… iously? Leave them alone with a gun?" The scarred human grimaced and hung his head for a second before meeting his friend's eyes.

"Yes, I did make a mistake, and afterward I was a little panicked, Jer. Keeping track of the weapon was the last thing on my mind."

Gerald made the placating gesture again: it seemed to be a favorite of his. Rarity wondered if that was because of frequent usage, or… well she couldn't really think of any other plausible reason for the shorter human's repetition. "We both made mistakes. Can't we just forget about it for now and focus on the issue at hand?" He cocked a thumb over his shoulder, his eyes regaining focus and his expression settling into a small, sad smile. "I parked around back. Let's finish this over there."

Raymond grunted and nodded grudgingly before joining Gerald in his brisk stride to the edge of the platform. They wove in and around the crowd and dropped out of site behind the ticket booth. The second they were gone, Rarity confronted her orange, country friend:

"Applejack. Tell me what that was about. Now," she said, eyes burning with gossip-lust. Applejack paled and took a step back.

"Ah don't know exactly what happened, but Ah'm certainly not gonna push for an answer from 'em," the farm pony twanged in that adorably rustic accent of hers. "T'was an accident that Ray fixed up without any problems," she continued, unabashed pride evident in her voice. "Nopony died."

"Darling, that's… wonderful?" Somepony almost died!? Oooh this was good material.

Rarity glanced at the three "crusaders" still huddled on Macintosh's back. They stared wide-eyed at the spot where the two humans had disappeared, guilt weighing heavily in their young eyes. Mac let out a deep sigh and knelt down, signaling that it was time for them to hop down. They quickly complied, and were soon left to fidget quietly on the station floor, still not daring to speak or even cause major property damage! Rarity watched her sister—who rarely ever spent a moment in silence—simply stare at her hooves.

AJ must've really done a number on them.

The porcelain unicorn gave Applejack a questioning look and, gaining her attention, tilted her head toward the fillies and snorted in irritation. Applejack chuckled and shook her head:

"Don' look at me. Ray scolded the poor things for a mite less than two minutes an' they've been like that ever since." The blonde mare looked back in the direction the human's had gone and smiled. "It was like Fluttershy went bald, changed genders, and started trottin' upright. Ah swear, she's the only pony I've seen who can make them that quiet." Rarity nodded carefully at this.

"We're bringing them, correct?" she inquired with a gesture toward the downtrodden crusaders, faking nonchalance for her own benefit. It wouldn't do to have her friend, or her sister, know that she'd overlooked their wellbeing in the excitement of going to the royal wedding.

"Ah don't see why not," Applejack snorted. "They're still in trouble, but Ah'd rather Ah keep an eye on Applebloom than Big Mac. One look with her little poutin' face an' he gives in like that." The orange farm pony punctuated her statement with a flick of her long, blonde tail. A sudden realization appeared to have struck the country mare, because she gave Rarity a pained, apologetic look. "Ah'm sorry. Do ya want me ta tell ya what happened so ya can punish Sweetie Belle yerself?"

Rarity considered the question for a moment. On one hand, knowing would provide for greater gossiping potential in the future, and therefore more information returned to her in kind (First Law of Rumor: give, and in return ye shall receive). However, she did feel bad about forgetting her poor Sweetie Belle in her rush to the train station…

"I'm sure the knowledge of what she's done wrong is punishment enough," Rarity lilted, hopefully loud enough for her sister to hear. "If she behaves herself while in Canterlot, I see no reason for me to add to whatever punishment you and Raymond have conceived." Applejack smiled and nodded, and a quick glance at Sweetie Belle confirmed Rarity's hopes: she seemed a lot less gloomy now.

"I wonder… is my judgment that frightening to her?" The ivory dressmaker shuddered at the thought.

Pounding footsteps reverberated the platform. The humans were returning.

They turned the corner side-by-side: Raymond having forgone his duffel, and Gerald now toting a blue, cloth pack on his shoulder and a guitar case in his hand. The more burdened of the two was smiling happily, while his companion held little to no expression at all. Whatever the problem had been before, it appeared to be resolved.

A rippling mass of red fur passed inches in front of Rarity's face and she flinched, concentration broken, to find Macintosh Apple plodding toward the approaching bipeds. He stopped in front of Gerald, and they held a short, muffled conversation while Raymond continued past them. The shorter human listened avidly to the stallion, nodding his head in affirmation every few seconds. Rarity decided she would have to saunter closer if she wanted to hear anything, but before she could get up Mr. Hanes clapped Mac behind his harness and laughed. The conversation ended there, and Macintosh purposefully trotted off, presumably back to Sweet Apple Acres.

Rarity snorted in irritation. Opportunity lost.

Mr. Shaffer leaned against the support column to her left, all but three feet away from Applejack and herself.

Opportunity gained!

"Raymond, darling!" Rarity crooned, sidling closer to the quiet biped. She noticed Applejack jolt at her sudden exclamation. The orange mare glared at her, but Rarity ignored it in favor of the surprisingly unfazed alien. "Are you excited for the wedding?" She received a noncommittal grunt as an answer. Out of the corner of her eye, Rarity could make out Gerald sitting back down on the bench he'd occupied when they'd been talking before. He made a beckoning gesture, but it wasn't directed at her.

"Ray, hun?" Applejack drawled, obviously trying to butt into Rarity's perfectly good conversation for some unfathomable reason. "Don't ya want ta see Canterlot? Ah mean it ain't 'El Coltrado' but it's a real nice place…"

"Applejack's right, Darling!" Rarity continued, catching a glimpse of three fillies soberly walking toward Gerald's bench. "Canterlot is definitely a 'nice place', and, as such, it would do to look your best, hmm?" The fashionista eyed Raymond's ratty, green jacket and dull, oddly colored slacks critically. He wore fewer pins and patches than Gerald, favoring a sort of minimalism in his attire. Rarity smiled: designing something unique for the two bipeds would be an interesting ordeal.

The relaxed human gave her a quizzical look, looking down at his drab clothing. Surely he must understand? Raymond did seem the more rational of the two. Rarity was sure he was about to agree with her when Applejack started overreacting about something she said—right on cue. The cowpony's squalls would have been annoying if they weren't so predictable… or frequent. The porcelain unicorn loved Applejack dearly, but for the love of Celestia! When she was irritated, the way she twisted Rarity's words was uncanny!

Though, in this case, maybe she did have a point.

"Give the man a break, Rarity," she complained, "S'not their fault they got stuck here without any a' fancier then their—" she paused, apparently fighting a losing battle for a term, before looking up to Ray for help. "Uh, what do ya call 'em again, Sugarcube?"

"Skiv's."

"Yeah, those!" Applejack finished, triumphant in the knowledge of her two-legged lifeline. Rarity sighed, continuing despite the obvious opposition to her offer.

"All I'm saying is that formal wear is practically required at a wedding of this scale." Rarity snorted. "I am a decent tailor, and I'm simply offering my services. Think of it as an apology for how I've acted these past few weeks."

"Did Jer agree to this?" Raymond finally spoke up, waving an arm in his partner's direction. The shorter human was having a discussion with the Crusaders, and, judging from his expression and the downtrodden countenances of the three fillies, Rarity deemed it a rather serious one. She had to restrain herself from leaving her current conversation to go listen in.

"Yes, in a way, he did," Rarity answered. "I offered a similar apology to him before you arrived, and he accepted without even letting me grovel properly."

Ray chuckled. "Yeah, there isn't much he won't forgive. 'People make mistakes,' he tells me sometimes, 'Me especially'."

"Is there anythin' he isn't forgivin' about?" Applejack questioned. "Cuz I can think of a few things I wouldn't forgive…"

"Well, doing harm to a child, for one…" Ray trailed off, watching his friend from across the platform. Apparently, the serious discussion had ended, and now the three fillies were laughing along with their protective alien.

Curiosity sparked, Rarity furthered Applejack's question. "Why?" Raymond gave her a look that screamed: "What do you mean, 'why'?" The unicorn blushed. "I, uh, I mean, you two don't exactly ooze, uh, family values…" Applejack glared angrily at her, but Ray just snorted.

"I suppose that's true," the human conceded. He paused a moment, gathering his thoughts. "I guess it's partly because he grew up in an orphanage. I assume he aged out—he never talks about having had any parents—and that would mean that he was a brother of sorts to the younger children that came in."

Across the station, a small, red cape was produced seemingly from nowhere, and, with much ceremony, it was placed around Gerald's neck. Three fillies cheered, and the odd passersby gave the quartet annoyed looks. The two mares present looked at Raymond questioningly. He snorted again.

"Can't join. I already have a cutie mark," he paused again, watching ponies trot every which way. Just when Rarity thought he wouldn't continue, he spoke up again: "It's also kind of a cultural thing. Children are a commodity for our species; more valuable than gold, platinum, or gems."

"Because of the zee-nose?" Applejack murmured, watching her sister carefully as she sang along with her friends. Jer had broken out his guitar, and Sweetie Belle was leading them in a song.

"Children were the first to go, yes," Ray growled. "Human children are helpless from birth, and don't learn how to properly walk for months. Even as they get older, children were still far too weak to flee from a drone, let alone defend themselves from a swarm. The same went for adolescents. My generation was practically wiped from existence in a little over a year."

They were dancing now, trotting around the now upright Gerald in a tight circle: tumbling, jerking, swinging, and laughing.

"Pregnancy became taboo. The bugs even ruined that for my race. Women were afraid; afraid of what was growing inside them, human, xeno, whatever. We were so afraid…" Raymond growled. "The birth rate has yet to recover, even after the re-conquest of Earth. That's why. We hoard our young like treasure, because we're afraid to make more."

Rarity was almost sorry she asked that question in the first place. Now everypony was depressed…

"Well that must make human males a pretty good catch, huh?" Pinkie chirped, "If all of you are as good with kids as Jerry here, then the mares must be all over you back home!"

"Pinkie! How? W-When?" Applejack spluttered. The mare had simply appeared between them, however long she'd been there was a mystery, but, nonetheless, her timing was atrocious.

"Darling! That was completely inappropriate!" Rarity scolded, but Pinkie wasn't listening. She was on Raymond in less than a second, clinging to his torso desperately, muzzle to nose, eyes narrowed determinedly, and lips twisted in a grimace of concentration.

"How many marefriends?" She choked, "How many!?"

Rarity expected the scarred human to simply brush the crazed mare off, but he just smiled: the widest he'd produced since she'd met him. "As far as I know, zero. I wouldn't be surprised if he was asexual. Never seen him attracted to any female as long as I've known him." Pinkie stared, open-mouthed at the calm human. They probably would have stayed like that forever, if Applejack hadn't given an annoyed snort and tugged her pink friend off of him by the tail.

"Horseapples," she grunted through Pinkie's tail, "What about all them parties he talked about. Sumthin' about hookers an' shoes?"

"Nope," Ray chuckled, "Never took a single one of them. He'd pay a few to fawn over me sometimes, but that almost always ended badly: Promenade being the primary example." The human rubbed at his temple absentmindedly. "He's a weird man, but I love him like a brother. Good luck cracking him, Pinks."

Pinkie's hair deflated, and Rarity suppressed the urge to faint. Her regular mane-do was bad, but just letting that silken mane hang in her face? Atrocious!

Raymond pat the disheartened mare on the head. Why she was so sad was beyond Rarity; she felt like she should know, but the reason just kept slipping away. Something Mr. Shaffer said…

"All right, I'm going," the taller of the two humans straightened, face setting back to its regular mask. He waved to his counterpart, who gave him a nod: not bothering to interrupt his playing.

"Wait… yer not comin' with?" Applejack asked, clearly strained over his departure. Rarity assumed it was because she felt safer having him around, seeing as he nearly died saving her sister. Another, different possibility arose in the back of her mind, but she quickly beat it back. Applejack and… him? Preposterous.

"I'm bringing some gear along in the jeep," the human elaborated. "I won't be too far behind you." Applejack calmed somewhat at that, and Rarity once again felt that thought crop up. The cowpony's expression screamed infatuation. She'd seen the same look on Pinkie's face not two minutes ago.

"Purely coincidence. I'm just overreacting again. This is just like that time with Big Macintosh and Fluttershy…"

Or was it? Rarity resolved to confront both of her friends, separately, and get some answers.

Raymond walked off, Applejack watching him the entire time, and, after a brief roar of machinery, he sped by on that daunting tan monster of a vehicle.

The train came two hours later.

---

Sand. Jer hated sand.

It was gritty, coarse, and got everywhere. The softest bed was ruined by even the smallest pile of the stuff. It got in your eyes; your mouth; your ears; your food.

Despite his animosity toward sediment, however, Gerald loved his planet.

The great, green sun of Jiboomi was dipping below the towering dunes on the endless horizon. A gust of wind picked up the loose ground outside the New Kilkenny Orphanarium, stinging his naked ankles. He watched, waiting for the Flash.

Dinner was over and Sister Agnes was rounding up the younglings and the sun was setting and he was waiting for the Flash.

The shallow sand crunched beside him.

"You're never gonna see it Jay-Jay," an exasperated voice sounded to his left. "You can't see the Flash by looking for it."

"Shuddup, Dulce. This is the night, I can feel it."

"C'mon inside Jer, please?" she pleaded. "The nuns'll be asleep soon, and then we can race summore," the voice took on a seductive edge, "or we could play doctor again…"

Jer glanced away from the horizon for a moment. She had her hands on her hips, threadbare clothing covering the minimum of her tanned skin. She spent far too much time in the sun, but he wasn't one to complain. If she got skin cancer he would take her to the clinic: he had a few shares stashed away from his time at the Complaints Office.

Russet curls hung in front of her eyes, partly covering the pair of corrective lenses nestled on the bridge of her petite, freckled nose. She stood straight, chest thrust outward. Jer couldn't see anything under her rumpled sweater, but he knew there was a firmness underneath, fitting, warm, real. Following his gaze, she smirked at him and shook her shoulders. A thin film of sand patched her cheeks, and a few granules stuck to the corner of her mouth, defiling the edge of her soft lips.

His mind was wandering.

"Not tonight, hun," Jer stated with conviction. He turned away, but not before catching her frown. She shouldn't do that. He didn't like it when she did that…

"Goodnight, Jay-Jay. Please come in soon alright?" More sand crunched, but he ignored it in favor of the horizon. The sun was dipping low, only a corona of pale green over the dunes. The light was leaving, and the stars were creeping in…

Another gust of wind. More stinging.

Not tonight. It wasn't tonight. Jer blinked, and made ready to head inside. Dulce probably hadn't made it in yet. He'd jog to catch up.

Suddenly, the horizon lit up like the flashbulb on an ancient camera. Red light spilled over the edge of the world, coloring the sky in one brief, glorious moment. It seared Gerald's eyes, leaving a glaring afterimage seconds after it disappeared, and the night ruled Jiboomi under an icy fist.

"Dulce! I saw it! I saw—"

She was right behind him. Her eyes filled with hot tears; mouth twisted in a silent, endless scream as her flesh roiled under pressure from within. Blood poured from her nostrils, and she clawed at herself, tearing away her sweater just in time for a ragged, meaty crunch of breaking bone and tearing skin.

The bug slithered into the night and she fell and the sky stared down emptily on them while the iron wheels rattled and clanked and the wind rushed and she was dead and the blood and the blood and the blood! He didn't even have time to scream because…

Because he was on a train to Canterlot.

Mares and fillies alike looked at him fearfully. Had he screamed? Jer looked out the window: it was dark, but he could make out the capitol in the distance, encased in an enormous, purple bubble. They would be there by morning, probably.

They had boarded the train at five o'clock, just as the tickets proclaimed much to Sparky's relief. Apparently the trains in Equestria were notorious for their tardiness, and Sparky couldn't stand tardiness. Jer remembered discussing the merits of rock farming, potatoes, and the concept of "Tartarus" with Pinks before falling asleep while ignoring the lavender unicorn's endless questions.

Jer was proud of his defense mechanisms, and he smiled quietly to himself. He noticed tears rolling down his cheeks and quickly wiped them away with a sigh.

Dreams: he'd been having more of them lately. They'd been this bad during the Earth campaign five years ago, but dropped off almost completely after that grenade went off near his head. Now they were back, and he didn't much like the idea of nearly killing himself again. He could wait to see Hell again until Lucy did some remodeling.

Suddenly, the ex-marine became aware of a soft presence on his arm. He looked down, only to find a little orange pegasus clinging desperately to his arm. She looked up at him, eyes wide and quivering. He didn't say anything, and neither did she. Jer simply lifted his arm, depositing the filly in his lap, and began to stroke her mane.

"Sucks to be scared, huh?"

Scoots nodded. He could feel her head move as he pet her.

"Yeah, well, there's nothing to be afraid of…" he paused, staring at the child in his lap, "There's no such thing as monsters."

---

Pinkie was watching Applejack watch Jer. She watched her watch him with an intensity that would have made the orange mare's head burst had it been driven by malice, but Pinkie had pledged to use her concentration for good, so Applejack lived to applebuck another day. Besides, she was merely curious.

The fillies were asleep again, having recovered from Jer's earlier outburst: a sorrowful wail followed by a brief period of despondence and weeping. When he'd come-to, Scootaloo went and hugged him, beating Pinkie to the metaphorical punch (not a real punch because that would be mean!) and stole her chance at comforting the big lug—calmly and correctly this time, not like at Zecora's. She wasn't complaining, though. Scootaloo was absolutely adorable, and when Applebloom and Sweetie Belle joined in, it was almost too much to take.

Nobody bothered them, and Jer took it upon himself to tire the three incorrigible fillies out with a song: something about dancing with a mare named "Mary Jane". Pinkie hadn't really been paying attention to the words, but rather her friends' reactions to the impromptu lullaby.

Bedroom eyes, all around. Even Fluttershy, the mare who wouldn't come within ten feet of Jer, and Twilight, who was annoyed at him for ignoring her questions, had looked on him with something akin to affection. Now that the fillies were finally asleep the looks had almost entirely ceased, but Pinkie was still feeling distressed. She had wanted to hurt them, push them away and make them snap out of it… and those feelings scared her.

It was scary, but as Pinkamena so deftly put it earlier: "the monkey was hers." The only one who seemed to understand that was Applejack, who was staring at the human not with contemplative affection, but confusion. It was the same expression she had on their puzzle-dates: contemplative, searching, and hopelessly confused.

That was why Pinkie watched her blonde friend. Curiosity. What was she thinking?

"Okay, lets recap… Shit."

"Horseapples."

"Bitch."

"Nag."

"That's an interesting one… I'm gonna use that…"

Rainbow Dash was another thing that worried Pinkie. The prismatic pegasus had yet to lose her bedroom eyes, and after Scootaloo and her friends had fallen asleep she struck up a quiet conversation with Jer.

It had devolved into an analysis of the differences in profanity between their two races, and it was surprisingly in-depth.

"…And 'cloudstain' is just another way to express illegitimacy, right?"

"Uh-huh, but it's also used to describe somepony really clumsy; like, they crash into the clouds a lot and scuff 'em up."

"Cool… Fuck?"

"Buck."

"I still can't get over that… Hey, Applejack! What was it that you do on that farm of yours?"

"Applebuckin'," she answered, quickly hiding the fact that she had been eyeing him with a sigh. "Ah'm well aware of the connotation thank ya very much…"

Jer giggled and Pinkie's chest cinched.

"S-Sorry, can't help it…" He turned back to Rainbow, who hung on the seat in front of him, waiting. "B-But, damn is the same?"

"Yep, 'damnation' is universal, I guess."

"Weird."

Applejack was mumbling something. Pinkie scooted closer to her.

"What's eating you, AJ? Did Jerry make you sad? Please don't be sad! It's not his fault…"

"S'not that, Pinkie… I just…" Applejack locked a pair of emerald eyes with her own sky blue peepers. "He lied, Pinkie. Ah know it, and you know it, and… and Ah think Scootaloo knows it, too." She looked back toward the giggling pair across the train car. "He lied about there not bein' any monsters… Why?"

Pinkie didn't know.

---

Canterlot was impressive. Not for its size: Jer had been to several cities thrice as large on leave. Granted, half of Earth's enormous cities were still abandoned and destitute, but they were grand once—far grander than the pony capitol. It wasn't because of its opulence either. Canterlot was rich, both in obscene, pastel color and in precious jewels and fine clothing, but Gerald didn't give a flying fuck about that.

The complete disregard for the safety of its inhabitants… now that was impressive. Every basic tenet of sane architecture had been thrown off Canterlot Peak, soon to be followed by the city itself, from the looks of it.

"Put it on the base. Plastique there, there, and… there, and the whole thing will slide down into the valley."

"I didn't bring nearly enough for that."

"Improvise. Just one fuel rod and BOOM! No more pony city!"

"Yeah, no, we need those to get off this rock."

"At least blow up the palace. Fuck Celestia and her fucking rainbow pony shits."

"Eloquent today, are we? I'll… I'll consider it."

Walls curved and split with no conceivable pattern. Towers jutted skyward like twisting, emaciated snakes in dunce caps, scraping the huge purple bubble that encased the city like an overripe wart. It was oddly beautiful, hanging off the edge of the mountain, the sun bouncing white light from impractically regal windows and gilded moldings the size of small apartment complexes.

Canterlot was beautiful and impressive and disgusting.

"There's enough to destroy the palace at least!"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…"

No music to drown out the voices: the magic bubble had made sure of that. Now Gerald could only grind his teeth and ignore the demons in his head. They were growing more insistent—more demanding—of late, and it was difficult to block out the bloody, violent commands; profane whispers in the darkest parts of his mind.

His chattering party had passed through the barrier like so much dirt into an open wound. The dull, reddish wall caressed the train—one of the few that ran on fossil fuel, Twilight had explained vigorously—and passed over everyone inside with nothing more than an itching tingle of magic. The parallels between this and his own electric barrier annoyed Jer because he knew what they were for, while the rest of the company either ignored it or was unaware.

Barriers made to keep things out… and in. Jer would have to find a way around the Great Magic Wall of Canterlot before this job ended, or he had a feeling that he and Ray would never get off that damn planet.

Jer watched as the twisting spires of the pony capitol grew nearer. One such tower appeared to have a massive tree-trunk jutting from it, much to Twilight's horror and Jer's amusement. Unfortunately, the unseemly arboreal guest in Celestia's tower dematerialized as the train continued its approach.

Brakes squealed, and the overly decorated train pulled into an ornate, arch-covered station. The fillies using his lap as a booster seat squealed along with the train, giggling happily at the prospect of pillaging the capitol no doubt. Jer didn't know if he was a part of their plan and right then he didn't care.

He was on the clock. Pillaging could wait.

Doors opened, and ponies—his party included—began filing out. Jer left last, hoisting his instrument over his shoulder, checking his sidearm and adjusting the knife in his boot while he was at it. He heard someone complain about extra security and chuckled.

"They have no idea."

Five steps later—the last in a pile of phlegm and confetti on the station floor—he was in Canterlot.

It was even more impressive up close.

"Look Ma! Martial law!"

"Ten points for observation, genius."

Spears and glinting armor walked the streets, often carried by white or off-white stallions—all sharing a rather uncanny resemblance to each other. These ponies really got the "faceless soldier" thing down pat. Several of them, upon Jer's arrival, watched him anxiously but made no move to attack. Apparently they were informed of his role in the ceremony prior to his arrival. Good.

Gerald noticed Sparky and Company trot quickly out of the station, the only sign that they remembered his presence being Pinkie, who looked back over her shoulder and waved Jer after them. Scanning the station, he followed. The stallions standing guard at the doors flinched as he passed, decorative halberds swaying like saplings in the wind.

Jer stopped, looked into their eyes, and grinned. They were afraid of him! Oh this was just too rich! What did Ms. Celestia tell her faithful pets that scared them so much: that he would eat them?

Whatever the case, he had a job to do. Catching sight of his group of mares, he hurried after them.

All manner of natives walked the streets, putting up decorations and posting allegiances to the new marriage upon their expensive, huddled doorways. Paths and alleyways branched off randomly, only coming together in the form of a cobbled main street that stretched lazily from the palace entrance to the city gates: some miles away.

Canterlot Gate was large, medieval, and completely unfounded. I mean, half of the city's potential attackers could fly, right? Or magic themselves inside, perhaps? It seemed like a frivolous and aesthetic waste, but, once again, Jer wasn't there to question. He had work to do.

Passing onto the main street from Station Blvd, Gerald glanced toward the palace, ignoring the odd stares he received from passersby. He stayed at the rear of the group, following the nine mares and one dragon toward the palace, where a figure in dark purple armor stood waiting. Jer assumed that was the guard captain, waiting for his sister and her friends.

The palace gates were still over three hundred yards away. Now was as good a time as any to check with Mother.

Stooping mid-stride, Jer plucked a small tablet from his left boot lining and tapped the cold, reflective touch-surface. The display lit up immediately, exhibiting several shapely icons against a light blue background.

WELCOME BACK SEXYMUTHAFUGGAH

Gerald smirked and tapped a small, flashing globule on the left-hand corner of the screen.

TRACKING ENABLED. FINDING NANOSENSORS.

The display dimmed and Jer kept walking, trying to inconspicuously aim the sensor at the group in front of him. They weren't that far ahead, so, conceivably, Mother's collating should have only taken a second or two. Minutes passed before the display lit up once again.

"Fucking black-market Apple, gets slower every year."

Ten colored dots appeared on-screen, clustered in a row to the left. Next to each dot was a full bio readout. Heart rate monitors, respiration, the works. With a soft tap, Jer selected the pink dot representing Ms. Pie, and the tablet began to beep, the tones sounding quickly: one after another. Wincing, he shut the device off and watched the group ahead warily.

They hadn't noticed him slip the tracking pills into their meals last night on the train; they hadn't noticed the slight nausea, and dull headache that was a symptom of millions of tiny machines joining themselves with the lining of every one of their major organs; and, if luck was on Jer's side, they wouldn't ever notice.

Without the use of an orbital scanner, however, Jer was stuck using the old model: a beeper. Like the old motion trackers the colonial marines used, it beeped whenever something moved nearby, or, in the case of his tablet, when the nanites in his quarry came closer. A map of the city would have made tracking the mares a whole lot easier, though.

Hopefully he wouldn't have any pressing need to use it.

Suddenly, they had arrived. Sparky broke ahead of the group and galloped to the guard station above the gate. The other mares didn't seem to care they'd been left behind, quickly parting ways to perform whatever tasks they had been assigned by Celestia. Gerald didn't mind one bit. He'd catch up with them after Raymond arrived. In the meantime, he had a captain to address.

So Jer sat on a conveniently placed bench and waited. He ignored the excited squeals at Sparky's realization of the Italian-sounding bride's identity, followed soon after by an odd, brooding silence, and instead played solitaire on his tablet, occasionally checking the Element's bio readouts. Special attention was paid to the three extra, smaller entries, however.

He scratched four games before a dark shadow fell over him, dimming the annoying glare that had formed on his screen.

Jer scratched again, and looked up.

There were two of them. Captain Armor was big—not by Apple standards, but nonetheless quite large—and white, like most of the guard stallions Gerald had encountered thus far. He wore his purple-plated uniform with the air of a man who just got it yesterday and was extremely pleased with himself. Jer assumed the angry-eyed, pinkish mare standing to his right was the Italian Knockoff Princess that Captain Smuggo was marrying.

Smuggo cleared his throat and eyed Gerald hesitantly. "Corporal Hanes?"

Shit, he sounded like he was barely eighteen!

"Rank doesn't matter in my profession," the human chortled and flashed his "Greetings, Bitch" smile. "Just call me Jer."

"Fair enough," the stallion smiled hesitantly while his fiancé simply continued to give him a dull glare. "Then you can just call me Shining." He held out a hoof and Jer shook it firmly. "I assume you know what's going on?"

"Celestia told me enough, but I could always use a bit more info."

"Well, I'm getting married!" Shining paused and spread the goofiest smile Jer had ever seen across his young muzzle. The mare next to him shuddered happily and leaned on the love-dazed stallion's shoulder. It was heartwarming, but Jer didn't have time for it. A quick snap of his fingers in the Captain's face and he immediately returned to the issue at hand. "Well, ahem, yes," he spluttered. "As you probably know, Discord escaped nearly a month ago and we're trying to use the ceremony as a means to draw him out."

"So… you're not getting married?"

"No, no," Shining reassured. He gazed lovingly at his fiancé. "We are."

"Who's dumbass scheme was that?"

Shining froze and looked back at him, smiling wryly: "Mine."

Gerald stared at the brilliant idiot standing proudly before him and laughed. "Y-You, my friend, are the… the dumbest *hehe* guy I ever met. If this goes wrong, your wedding will be a shitstorm!" Jer stood up and clapped the guard captain on the back, prompting a delayed shudder from the confused stallion. "I like you. Keep up the good work, soldier, and keep watch on them mares for me." He picked up his guitar case and packsack, slipping his tablet into the blue fabric bag, and began to walk away. He passed the Italian Knockoff and winked. Oddly enough, the mare licked her lips and winked back. Deciding to roll with it, he slapped her oblivious future husband on the flank and kept going. "Not now, honey, I've gotta go see a man about some guns."

Jer strolled down main street—it was actually called "Mane Street"—toward the city gate, glancing back just in time to catch the Captain eyeing him indignantly and whispering to his fiancé, who only shrugged. The manic human allowed himself another chuckle at the flustered guard.

Fun fun fun under the sun sun sun.

Spike's bachelor party was going to be awkward as all hell.

---

"I got that off-black caddy-lack midnight drive.

Got that gas-pedal, lean back, takin' my time.

I'm rollin' out, roof off, lettin' in sky.

I'm sure—the city never looked so bright…"

The road leading to Canterlot was surprisingly well kept. Big enough for two carts to travel abreast, the dirt and gravel highway was lined with boulders and fallen logs on either side. Every so often, the roadside opened up into a great, gaping ditch. Ray presumed it was for irrigation in the instance of a downpour rolling down from the mountains above.

Trees flashed by for awhile, but thinned out once Raymond reached the foothills of Canterlot Peak, replaced by stout, prickly-looking shrubs and bushes. Grass swayed lazily as he roared by. The giant bubble of the pony capitol was growing ever closer in Rays windshield, and he couldn't help but marvel at how beautifully the sun reflected against it, lighting up the fertile mount within its dapper, morning rays. There wasn't a cloud in the sky for miles.

Raymond smiled: it reminded him of the Natural Reserve back home. An unbidden show-tune barged its way into his thoughts:

"For only half a share, spend a week camping in the beautiful Yutani Natural Reserve! What's good for the Company is good for you: remember, everybody gets a share! Buy your passes today! Weyland-Yutani~! Building better worlds~!"

"Damn right."

With a brief crackle, the radio switched songs. Ray could just barely hear the somber tones of a piano over the rushing wind.

"If you had one shot—one opportunity—to seize everything you ever wanted…

One moment. Would you capture it?

Or just let it slip?"

A sad smile crossed Ray's features, and the road began to steepen as he reached the base of his towering destination. He wondered briefly if Gerald was listening to the same song he was. The signal was probably stronger in the city, considering its proximity to the atmosphere above. His question was answered when he passed below the curve of Canterlot's enormous shield. Mr. Mathers faded to static under its pink shadow, but quickly returned once Ray cornered one end of the mountain. The speeding human winced.

"Sucks for him…"

The road spiraled op the mountainside in a giant corkscrew, devolving into switchbacks every few miles whenever it encountered a chasm or boulder. Raymond had slowed to thirty miles per hour, but was still making great time: that was, until he nearly ran into a wooden cart stalled in the middle of the road.

Raymond slammed on the brakes after taking a blind turn to find two stallions working hurriedly to reattach a wheel onto their cart filled with hay and… a drum set? Both ponies, one dark green and the other a bright, gaudy yellow, froze and stared at the oncoming jeep like a pair of deer in the glare of someone's headlights—except, although one was a unicorn, neither had antlers.

Nearly a ton of titanium alloy screeched to a halt almost two feet in front of the unlucky natives, and, besides the gentle whir of the jeep's engine, all was silent. Raymond heaved a sigh of relief and deactivated his vehicle before hopping out to make sure the two stallions were okay. He rounded the front of the jeep to find both ponies frozen, staring at the steaming, steel weave of Ray's grille with wide, disbelieving eyes. The human snorted and took a look at their cart. Damn thing was just close enough to both the harrowing precipice and the rocky, irregular wall that Raymond couldn't skirt around it without either dying, or scratching the tan vehicle's paintjob: one he'd painstakingly applied after Jer had "requisitioned" it on Jiboomi.

Grumbling quietly, Raymond scanned the shell-shocked ponies' cart for a way to move it aside. A single wheel had been removed, and it indeed did have a drum set inside—packed in loosely with what looked like several pounds of hay. The missing wheel lay on the roadside, several wooden spokes in a row snapped in two. Most of the broken supports still remained in their respective holes, however, so Ray was confident he could fix it and get the natives out of his way quickly enough.

"Duct tape." Ray strolled past the dumbfounded stallions and back to the bundle at the rear of the jeep. He loosened an orange safety strap and began rummaging for the elusive silver adhesive. He'd packed a reel of the stuff as an afterthought, unsure of its usefulness on that particular job, but now he was glad he remembered to bring it. After a few seconds of searching, his fingertips brushed against the goopy, ridged side of the roll. Raymond grasped the holy tool with a snort of triumph and pulled it quickly from the bundle.

One more trip around the jeep—one more stroll past two quickly recovering ponies—and he was fitting wooden pegs back into their correct orifices. Under the crackl of the still blaring radio, the crisp tear of unraveling tape, like choirs of angels, was the only music Raymond paid attention to, and the sound of ragged breathing in his ear almost went unnoticed.

Ray fit the cracks and jagged edges of another spoke together, both ends firmly embedded in the wood. He tore another strip and smiled.

Tape saved his life once.

The spoke Ray was working with was too far-gone to fix properly: split twice down the middle. He tossed it over his shoulder and it clattered against the road. Someone behind him yelped.

He and Jer had been on LV-994, working a cleared apartment complex on the outskirts of the Class II Terraforming Outpost. Some naïve Ebon Knights left a clutch of eggs in the basement, infecting two women and a small boy.

Gerald had been a bit upset at that. The Knights knew that before the end, and none of the xenos came to term.

Three small graves were dug in the black earth.

"Thank you," a breathy, hesitant voice found Raymond's right ear.

*grunt*

Tape… he was thinking about tape. Jer went on one final scan from the upper atmosphere, leaving Ray to cremate the basement. When he left, he took Ray's helmet—and bug mouthpiece—with him. Luckily, he had an alternative: sacred silver tape.

"No, I mean it… its hard to fix things like that with hooves and I don't know very many regeneration spells."

*grunt*

He took a strip of tape and wrapped it around the back of his neck to his mouth, effectively blocking the orifice. He did that twice. It wouldn't keep him alive if a facehugger got a good hold of him, but would suffice for the simple cleanup, just in case. He hadn't expected the one hiding in the rafters. They'd swept the place seven times, for Weyland's sake! Seven! With motion detectors!

The damn thing fell from the sky and got a tail around Ray's windpipe, spindly-spidery legs scrabbling for a hold around his cranium. He got a hand in just in time to prevent the little yellowy fuck from getting a seal on his face. That didn't stop it from trying to impregnate him anyway.

"Cymbal… is… is he fixing it?" Ah… so it was the drummer.

"S'cool Chuckles. He's with my employer… You are with my employer, right?"

*grunt*

Huggers: highly evolved, them. The affectionate little rapists…

Everyone knew xenomorphs had molecular acid for blood, but very few souls knew about the other things they secreted. Some doctors, survivors, and victims who had thought to wear protective gear over their face and mouth knew about the saliva. Facehuggers have this gland, just beneath the proboscis—"Martian Dicks" the marines called them—that secreted a less potent acidic fluid, meant to burn through anything between it and its victim's oral cavity without killing the host.

Sure it wasn't as potent as xeno blood, but it left quite a mark. The duct tape held for several minutes. Raymond's face, hand, and exposed eye? Not quite as long.

"Th-That should be good, uh, R-Raymond… right? Yeah, yeah right. It's not that far to the castle from here."

"Mhm."

"Here, uh, lemme take tha—Or you could put it back on… sure."

Luckily, Ray had remembered his COM, and when Gerald heard the screams from orbit he radioed in for help from the recently instated colonial militia. They came bursting into the basement, reinforced titanium blades at the ready, and very carefully pried the spidery bitch off of him.

Wasted a pretty snazzy knife on it in the corner once they had it off, too.

"We can't thank you enough. Chuckles! Get hitched up!"

"Look at you, giving me the orders! Tables sure have turned, eh? … Okay! I'm going!"

"Would you, uh, care to travel with us?"

"Nope, move to the side."

"Oh... All right…"

The worst part about the whole incident had been that Jer ended up blaming himself. It was bullshit, of course: the helmet would have been trashed just as quickly as the tape. That didn't matter to Jer, though. The poor son-of-a-bitch spent weeks making it up to him. For what it was worth, Ray didn't ask him for much.

Several things changed after LV-994, the most obvious of them being Raymond's face. Another: his infallible routine. Though he wasn't the superstitious type, Ray wore duct tape over his mouth, helmeted always, on every sweep, cleanup, and cremation run.

Adhesive of the Gods, that duct tape.

Wheel reattached, the bright yellow pony—"Chuckles," apparently—pulled the wooden cart to the side: closer to the sheer mountain wall. Ray gave them a quick nod and hopped back in the jeep, pricking his finger and starting her up. With a final wave, he was back on track, spitting up dust and gravel behind him but watching the turns more closely for further traffic.

Ray's eyes drooped, and suddenly he felt very tired. Fumbling over the dashboard, his calloused right hand found the familiar plastic cylinder of a syringe. Without a second thought, he jammed the thin needle into the meaty part of his thigh, pressing the plunger. There was a loud hiss of pneumatics and 15 cc's of adrenal stimulant was injected into his system.

He hadn't let up in nearly twenty hours: those needles were damn helpful.

It would take another ten minutes or so for the injection to kick in, so Ray slowed down further, turned up the radio, and tried his hardest to stay awake. The sun shone high in the sky, but that didn't matter. Without the adrenaline-laced shots, he'd be out like a light.

Five minutes later, the shot kicked in.

An hour afterward, he skidded to a halt before the great shield of Canterlot.

Ten guards stood posted in the middle of the road, between the enormous magic barrier and a reinforced main gate. Gilded portraits of ponies in shining, metal armor, lilies, rivers, grand mountains and massive dragons adorned the colossal doors, working both to make Raymond gape in awe and shiver in disgust. Were they meant for protection, or as a display of wealth?

Ray hopped from the jeep and approached the shield. To his chagrin, the guards rushed forward through the magic wall, flowery halberds pointed directly at him.

"Who are you?! State your business!" shouted the foremost stallion. Ray frowned: Celestia was an even worse "employer" than he'd expected. Not informing her guard of their presence? Sloppy.

The human felt much less regret for planning her death.

"I'm the help."

"I have no knowledge of you, creature!" Halberds twitched closer. "From where do you hail?"

Ray snarled and opened his mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by a familiar, raspy voice:

"He's from the Virgin Isles and he really needs to get laid," Jer related casually, having appeared as if from nowhere behind the barrier with another, red-clad guard at his side. "Now, if you fine gentlecolts would be so kind?" The accompanied man gestured toward the shield before him.

The gatesmen milled about, unsure of what to do, but sprung into action when the maroon guard beside Jer snorted impatiently. Unicorns strained, and a fluctuating archway opened in the pinkish magic barrier. Raymond got back in the jeep and leisurely cruised into Canterlot.

"Eclectic Radio" crackled into silence.

Not waiting for him to stop, Jer swung himself into the passenger seat, flinging his packsack and guitar case in the back as he did so. "Just drive straight. Celestia's got us holed up in the castle guest rooms." He eyed Raymond critically. "You good for a shift? Or do you want me to take it while you get some shuteye?"

"Syringe."

Jer smiled. "All right then!"

…

"Hey, uh, quick question… how much detcord did we bring?"

---

"… And that's why we can't build bridges with cake!"

"But what if you reinforced it with titanium yeast?"

"Then potato!"

"Oh! I see… but the eyes! Think of all the eyes!"

"You make a good point, Jerry. I'll be sure to take it up with the Princess the next time I see her."

The reception hall was decked out in streamers, balloons, confetti and all kinds of colorful party fluff. How Pinkie fit all of it into her saddlebags was a mystery to Gerald. She appeared to pull the decorations and party games from out of thin air, a manic, yet easy smile on her face as she arranged the grandiose hallway to perfection. Jer assumed she was using the odd "reaching" technique she'd shown him: something he still didn't entirely understand. The pink mare insisted that it "appearing" things was perfectly normal for ponies of her heritage, so Jer ignored it like so many other things about the obscene world in which he found himself.

Pinkie was darting about, rearranging decorations and stacking records next to an ancient-looking phonograph at random. It was almost time for her to meet up with the others for dinner, since the Italian Knockoff came by to check on her progress and granted her mocking approval.

"I think this reception is going to be perfect! Don't you?"

"Perfect! If we were celebrating a six-year-old's birthday party…"

Jer agreed the reception was… childish… for a wedding, but society here was childish in and of itself, so he hadn't thought much of it. The bride-to-be's sarcasm raised his ire a bit, but, considering Pinkie's reaction he it slide.

Reprimanding royalty wasn't in his job description anyway.

"Okie dokie lokie! Everything's all set up juuuuust right!" Pinkie chirped, bounding back toward him from the leaning tower of board games across the hall. "Lets go find the others!"

Glad she had finished, Jer gave a graceful bow, sweeping his arm toward the double doors leading to the courtyard outside. "Lead the way, fair mademoiselle," he joked, mimicking the accent he'd heard from several of the snooty natives while trailing Rainbow Dash. He'd followed her until a pegasus guard in red armor swooped in for his shift, and then found his way over to keep an eye on Pinkie.

Speaking of the little pink devil, she sauntered over with a warm giggle and gave his thigh a quick bump of the hip. "Fine, but if I catch you staring at my candy-maker on our way out there'll be Tartarus to pay, mister!" With that, she shot off out the doors into the early evening air.

Gerald smirked as the doors swung shut behind her with a crash. "Funny girl…"

He walked calmly after her, feeling around in his pocket for the tablet he had synced with the nanites in the Element's bloodstream. Finding it, he pulled it out and checked on the girls.

Ten colored dots appeared, sporting calm heart rates and eased respiratory signs… all except Pinkie and Twilight. Pink's heart rate was off the charts—likely due to physical exertion, so Jer ignored it—and Twilight's was only slightly accelerated, but well within normal range. Sparky was just stressed about the upcoming ceremony was all. Brushing past the opulent hallway doors, Jer stepped out into the night air and activated the tracking device. A soft, monotone beeping began joined the sound of crickets and bustling natives, and the tablet lit up on its eastern edge, prompting Gerald in which direction to head.

Ignoring the stares, he followed the device outside the castle and into the city below. Soon, he found himself outside a two-story building decorated with striped awnings and hanging flowerpots: the establishment in which his quarry had chosen to dine. Six mares and a dragon sat together outside, sipping colored beverages and talking rather loudly while An exhausted-looking Raymond looked on a table away.

"Spike! That goes on the cake."

"Ehehe…"

Jer slipped the tracker back in one of his pockets and treaded over to his counterpart, passing by the group of mares, who were too deep in their own conversation to pay him any mind.

"Twilight, whatever are you talking about? Cadence is an absolute gem!"

"Rarity! She was so demanding!"

"But of course she was. Why wouldn't she expect the very best for her wedding day?"

He sat down on an available pillow and looked Raymond over. The big man was slumped forward on the tiny cushion he'd been forced to use, rubbing his scarred face rhythmically. His campaign jacket was rumpled and stained (Applejack in the kitchens?) and he looked like he could barely keep his eyes open. Ray was fighting a desperate, losing battle against sleep, and… was that a new scarf?

"That looks fabulous on you, Sarge."

"Fuck you, Jer," Raymond grumbled, not moving an inch. "I'm not your sergeant anymore."

"Where'd ya get it, huh?"

Raymond sighed and finally let himself sprawl over the table. "The white one made it. Practically forced it onto me earlier today."

"It really brings out your eye, Sarge." Jer chuckled, patting his cohort on the back. Ray just groaned.

A table away, conversation just became a bit more heated.

"Ah think yer bein' a tiny bit possessive of your brother."

"I am not being possessive! And I am not taking it out on Cadence!" So that was what they called her! That's sooo much easier than "Me Amoray Castanza." "You're all just too caught up in your wedding planning to notice that maybe there shouldn't even BE a wedding!" There was a crash of hooves on metal and the sound of spilled drinks. Jer glanced away from his weary friend and caught a glimpse of lavender turning the corner behind the café.

"I'll take this one," Jer sighed, standing up to go after Sparky, whom had left her friends in some sort of fit. "You think you can watch them until I get back?"

*grunt*

"I'll be back quicker than you can say the Company motto." Jer strode purposefully past the Elements' table. They were all shaken up, whispering nervously to each other and sharing nervous glances at the corner Ms. Sparkle disappeared behind. None of them seemed to notice him walk by save Pinkie, who caught his eye and winked playfully.

"She doesn't seem all that worried," the human mused as he passed, returning the wink and fumbling in his pocket for the tracker. He finally turned the corner, finding no sign of the purple nuisance who's brother had gotten them into this mess by daring to fall in love: the selfish bastard.

With another deep sigh, Jer activated his tracker for the second time that night, prodded the purple dot, and followed the tones. Fifteen minutes later he found himself in front of another colorfully decorated two story building: a house in what looked to be one of the—well 'the'—good neighborhood of Canterlot.

Two guards stood by the steps leading to the front door, a crest resembling Captain Smuggo's tramp stamp painted above. Jer assumed he was in front of Sparky's brother's home… either that or the harem of her secret lover…

"Oh man would that be funny if I walked in on—shit something's happening." The heart rate monitor next to Twilight's dot was accelerating rapidly, her respiration had quickened, and apparently she was menstruating. Jer ignored that last little unnecessary detail and started toward the opulent home, hand straying to the pistol at his side. The guards in front watched him nervously, but didn't make any moves to stop his advance. Good.

He had just mounted the stairway when Twilight came barreling out the front doors, crashing right into his chest and nearly impaling him with her horn. Jer just barely kept his footing and pushed her aside, crouching and aiming his sidearm at the door—still ajar from Sparky's escape.

"What?! What happened?!" he growled, not taking his eyes off the door.

"She! Him! Mind taken, flashing, Cadence—he's under her spell!" Twilight settled, clearly distraught from the sound of her babbling. Nothing about a serpent-goat-monster? Meh…

Jer lowered his weapon and chuckled: false alarm. He straightened and smirked down on the purple unicorn, who was still frantically looking from the door to him, waiting for him to do something. "Twilight, I'm sorry, but I can't help your brother."

"Wh-What? Why?" the unicorn sputtered, eyes wide with terror.

"One so thoroughly pussy-whipped can't be saved by a simple man like me."

Needless to say, the trip back to the castle was a tense one.

"Shining Armor's in real trouble! You have to help—what are you…?"

Five mares were giggling and gossiping in Raymond and Gerald's room: each wearing a unique dress befitting of a bridesmaid. Jer spied his partner in the corner, clearly dazed, and, possibly in need of a psychiatrist…or maybe a lethal injection.

"Can you believe it?! We're gonna be Princess Mi Amora de Cadenza's new bridesmaids!"

"New bridesmaids?! What happened to her old bridesmaids?!"

Jer crossed the room, ignoring the yelling and the laughter and the excitement to get a good look at his friend.

"Stim too much, Sarge?" Twilight left in a sullen slump out of the corner of Jer's eye, while the other girls disappeared into the next room through a connecting door. "How many pick-me-up's you take?"

"Seven."

"Shit, Sarge," Gerald winced, "you're gonna be feeling that tomorrow." He stooped down and got a grip under his larger friend's arms, beginning the long process of getting the burnt-out sergeant into bed. He had just dragged him up onto the mattress when he noticed Ray was already partially undressed: only clad in his green undershirt and fatigue pants. "Why are you half naked?"

"Well I couldn't take his measurements with that bulky jacket on him, now could I?" lilted a familiar, cultured voice from behind. Jer glanced over his shoulder to find Rarity, having forgone her dress, standing in the door separating their two rooms. "It's your turn now, Darling."

Jer blanched and looked back to his former superior officer for help. The man looked grave, his face somber, pitying. He breathed one word, low enough so that the white mare across the room would have trouble hearing: "Run."

Gerald did as he was told, sprinting desperately for the doorway from which Sparky disappeared.

He made it three steps.

---

This day would be perfect.

Wedding bells rang from the tower above, and the streets below bustled with ponies: going about their daily lives of joy, sadness, and love. Princess Cadence stood on her balcony and watched them. They had no idea, no comprehension, of what happened outside their ludicrously secure borders. They didn't know; they didn't care, and, because of this their love was pure and unguarded. She could feel it on them: pulsing outward in heady, throbbing waves. Ponies had never learned to hoard their love, keeping it for themselves and only giving it away to broker peace or make a trade. The Equestrians didn't love to suit themselves, but to please others.

Buzzing: a cacophony in the back of her mind.

They would make a great feast for her children.

"Five minutes, Chrysalis," came the voice of that daft servant who kept poking his head in her private chambers. She didn't bother to turn around to address him.

"Get out, knave! I am prepar—" she froze, picking up on a small inconsistency in his words. She spun around and assumed an aggressive stance, nostrils flaring and ears twitching to find the serf who had seen through her guise. "What did you call me?!"

"Oh come now, Chrissy." the servant mocked from thin air, his condescending tone grating on Cadence's already frayed nerves. "You didn't forget our little deal, did you?"

Cadence edged from the balcony and into her preparation chamber, but the servant was nowhere to be found. She slunk around the pristine, white mannequin the tailor pony had given her to hold her dress: the dress she wore now. Her horn glowed an angry green, searching the room for any trickle of emotion. "Show yourself!"

"If you insist," the now hauntingly familiar voice sighed. The lights dimmed, and Cadence stiffened, suddenly more afraid than angry.

"What is the meaning of this?!"

"I held up my end of the bargain, Chrissy," the voice sounded behind her. "Now pay up."

The alicorn bride to be twisted fearfully to find herself face-to-face with somepony she hadn't seen in centuries. The familiarity did nothing to alleviate her fear, however.

Serpentine, quilted, malevolent and un-amused, the Lord of Chaos flapped closer, leaning his elongated snout against hers and brushing his mismatched antlers with her own, simple horn. "I'm waiting…"

"D-Dizzy?" Cadence gulped, "You… You want them now? But! Th-The city can't be taken with only four platoons!"

"It can be," Discord growled, "If you use the old ways." Cadence paled, staring at the god who never killed as he asked her to end the lives of thousands. "Do what comes naturally," the serpent sneered, the rest of his freakish body slithering around her torso. "Now give me my changelings."

"I… already had them prepared," the pink alicorn stuttered, still trying to comprehend Discord's reasoning. "They were to follow the invasion force, but… they will follow you if you go to them."

The draconequus smiled. "Where?"

"West, under the city."

"Good, good…" Discord slowly uncoiled himself, his bristly fur and smooth iridescent scales rubbing across Cadence's fur and making her shiver. "And Chrissy?" The patchwork god who helped build the planet flapped toward the window, giving Cadence one final, serious look. "Watch the apes, they're… resilient."

A snap echoed through Cadence's chambers, and she was alone.

The wedding march began to play, and the buzz grew louder. Trying to forget the invasive draconequus, Cadence allowed herself a small smile.

With family, she was never really alone.

---

Raymond wished the suits Rarity had made were warmer… or that she'd given them pockets. A draft rolled in from one of the many unhinged stained-glass windows and he shivered, glancing to the device Jer held in his hands briefly before scanning the ponies' odd chapel once more.

Another draft blew in and Ray suppressed a sneeze. It certainly didn't help that they couldn't move around to get their blood pumping. The two humans had been standing for over an hour among the crowd, occasionally changing positions within the mass of bodies to get different view of the gigantic room. The ceremony had been going on forever, and there didn't appear to be any trouble so far. Raymond thought briefly of the jeep, nestled safely outside the palace with their pulse rifles hidden in the underside storage compartment. It seemed like they wouldn't need them after all.

Soon, this would be over, and they could finally go home.

Gerald muttered something and pressed a hand to his ear. He'd hooked the tracker up to the COM link they shared so as not to disturb the wedding with its erratic beeping. Jer was frowning, a rare occurrence in his case, looking hard at the dimly lit screen held at waste level.

"The fuck are you up to, Sparky?"

Twilight Sparkle. Raymond groaned in annoyance and looked toward the front of the room, where the Princess was approaching the part of the ceremony where a very familiar set of vows was taken. Ms. Sparkle had made a spectacle of herself during the reception last night, which they had also been required to attend, Raymond nursing a splitting headache at the time from overusing stimulant the day before. The trivial ceremony itself irritated him, as well as the pointed looks Celestia gave the two humans standing at the back of the room. Sparkle's interruption mid-ceremony was loud, maddeningly so, but Raymond nearly hugged her for putting an end to the damn thing, even if her claims of "mind control" were a farce.

Jer had reassured Raymond that she was sleeping soundly since then, according to her bio readouts, but now her heart rate was through the roof, and, judging from the way Gerald was staring at the doors to the chapel proper, Ray could only assume that she was getting closer.

If she became a nuisance now, the ceremony would only last longer, delaying their promised payment and a chance to leave even further. Unfortunately, the crowd packed as tightly as it was beside the aisle, there wasn't enough time for him to stop her.

"Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, it is my great pleasure to pronounce you—"

"STOOOOOP!"

"Fuck…"

The ceremony ground to a halt, everyone turning his or her attention to the lavender mare who just burst into the chapel, little chest heaving from exertion. Raymond glowered at Jer and whispered angrily: "Couldn't you have noticed her coming sooner?!" Gerald merely shrugged, the dark jacket Rarity had made for him obscuring the motion. He grinned sheepishly.

"Well at least it's interesting, now."

Bride, Groom, and Priestly Stand-in Celestia were speaking, but their voices were lost to Raymond over the murmur of the crowd. He did, however, hear the another, new speaker enter from the doors Twilight had so unceremoniously torn open:

"Because! It's not your special day, it's mine!"

A dirtier, beaten-looking version of the blushing bride-to-be stood in the doorway, glaring down the aisle at her pristine double.

"Scratch that," Jer giggled, "Things just got fucking crazy! What do we do?"

Well this certainly WAS interesting… but there wasn't any real threat…

"We watch," Ray finally decided as the rough-and-tumbled version of Shining's bride stalked past, moving toward the center of the ceremony and yelling something about changelings. "Don't do anything yet."

A soon as he finished his sentence, the part of the chapel where an altar should have been exploded in a pillar of green fire. Everyone in the crowd ducked their heads and flinched away from the blast, nearly knocking the two humans over. Raymond quickly crouched down—soon followed by Jer—to be level with the natives, hand falling to the butt of his gun as he watched the green pyre disappear, revealing a tall spindly creature.

It was black as night: jagged and pointed and full of holes. A pair of ragged, insectoid wings sprouted from its back and green, mossy hair poured like trickling streams from it's proud, ponylike head.

"Right you are, Princess! And as queen of the changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects!"

Okay, now they had to do something. Raymond looked to Jer, who crouched next to him, watching the new creature like a sadist watched a drowning puppy.

"It's a bug, Ray." He moved to bolt forward, hand scrabbling for his sidearm.

Raymond quickly grabbed his partner by the shoulders and forced him to the ground. "No! We don't know what it is, yet!" he hissed. He grabbed Gerald by the jaw and forced him to look him in the eye, settling the manic soldier down, if only for a moment. "We wait."

"They'll never get the chance!" the second bride was yelling, snout-to-snout with the gigantic, talking insect whom Ray assumed to be the real bride number one. "Shining Armor's protection spell will keep them from ever even reaching us!"

The bug-horse giggled down at the second bride, grinning like it won the lottery. "Oh, I doubt that… right dear?"

At center-stage, Shining Armor nodded his zombie-like assent.

"Ray," Jer whispered urgently, "the barrier."

Tearing his gaze from the conflict in the aisle, Raymond looked to the sky, following the gentle curve of the pink magic shield until he noticed a swarm of black dots that could only be more of the giant insects. They were bashing themselves mercilessly upon the magic surface, causing the barrier to warp inward with every strike.

"Soon, my changeling army will break through!" the creature who called herself "Queen" cackled, "First, we take Canterlot, then ALL of Equestria!" she finished her monologue with a great sweeping leap, devolving into a fit of maniacal laughter.

An invasion? Fucking typical. Ray nudged his partner in the shoulder and cocked his head toward the front of the room. Jer nodded, and they both slowly pressed their way through the crowd.

Center stage, the Queen of the Changeling's laughter was cut off by a stern, matronly Princess of the Sun: "No, you won't."

Both humans halted their progress, apparently having the same idea. They looked at each other and shared a smile.

"Let's see how this plays out," Jer sneered.

"You may have made it impossible for Shining Armor to perform his spell," Celestia stated, glaring at a slowly descending insect queen. "But now that you have so foolishly revealed your true self," she lunged forward, locking her pristine, white horn with the changeling's own sharp, jagged one like a rutting bull moose. The comparison was amusing, but really rather accurate until the Princess leapt back, propelling herself into the air above the crowd. "I can protect my subjects, from YOU!"

A blinding flash filled the chamber, causing Raymond to look away, squeezing his eyes shut and holding an arm up to shade his face. An explosion shook the chapel, and the crowd rose up in one mourning, sorrowful cry.

"Princess Celestia!"

"Shining Armor's love for you is stronger than I thought…"

Raymond blinked the afterimages from his eyes and peered back toward center stage. Celestia had been defeated. Her horn was scorched black and she lay crumpled on the marble floor, unconscious or dead; Raymond didn't know. His heart swelled, and he felt the strange urge to cackle alongside the bug-queen. The ivory bitch lost! The stuck-up, overconfident pile of shit who stole… their… flight suits?

Oh, shit…

Raymond's eyes widened. He looked to Gerald, who wore a similar expression of panic. They had no idea where Celestia had hidden their flight suits: their only ticket home.

They had to do something, and Jer was the first to formulate a plan.

"You distract her," he whispered, whipping his knife from his boot. "I'll try and get around behind." Ray nodded and pulled out his pistol, crawling toward the aisle. He passed three extremely frightened-looking crusaders on the way and gave each a reassuring pat on the head… or at least he hoped it was reassuring: he was in a bit of a hurry.

The crowd was clumping up, ponies forming herds and talking fearfully with one another. Several of them made a break for the door, but the Queen just ignored them, looking down on the fallen Princess and the small crowd of ponies surrounding her whom Ray recognized as the Elements. A green light began forming around her jagged horn, and she snarled at the helpless mares, who flinched in terror under her gaze.

Ray stood up.

*CRACK-CRACK*

"That's quite enough of that." He held his smoking sidearm in the air, having fired two shots into the ceiling. The Queen froze and leered at the standing human, while the mares behind her gaped. Applejack was mouthing something to him, but he ignored her in favor of the winged bitch slowly buzzing toward him. Ponies shied away from her on both sides, and she stopped all but ten feet from him. Raymond lowered his weapon, pointing the barrel in her general direction. "Good. Now that I have your attention, I'd recommend that you call off your little army before things get messy."

"What are you going to do, creature?" the Queen chuckled. Suddenly, a green glow enveloped Raymond, and he was lifted bodily into the air amid many gasps and muffled screams from the crowd. He tried to press down in the trigger of his pistol, but he couldn't even budge. He scanned the crowd, looking around desperately for his partner. "You're powerless against me."

"What we always do to bugs like you," Raymond narrowed his eyes, "crush them."

A dark shape broke through the crowd behind the enormous changeling, crashing into her side in a blur of manic laughter and rustling clothing. The aura holding Raymond up weakened, and he dipped close to the ground for a moment before being held up again. "Let's go, Queenie!" Jer yelled, punching and slashing. Raymond watched his partner twist his way onto her back, making one final lunge at her thin, exposed neck.

Queenie screamed in rage and rolled her body, dislodging Gerald from her back and grasping him with the same aura she used on Ray. Jer floated upward on his left, growling and straining against the magic that held him aloft. Raymond renewed his struggle. His gun was still pointed at the hissing insectoid. If he could just pull the trigger…

The changeling looked down on the upper part of her leg where Jer had torn a large gash in her carapace. It bled in spurts of green, agonizingly bright just like everything else on that damn planet.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Her horn brightened, and Jer cried out in rage.

"Put me down, bitch, so I can—urk!" His knife, still gripped firmly in hand, twisted downward on a slowly pivoting wrist and his arm began to move, clearly unbidden from the strain on Jer's face. Realization lit in his friend's gray eyes as he watched the movement of his favorite weapon and he grimaced. "An eye for an—uhn—eye, huh? Well, fu—augh!" The serrated blade approached his leg and pressed into his upper thigh with an audible tear of cloth. Gerald screamed in agony, but the knife kept going, cutting through skin, muscle and bone until it was buried to the hilt in his leg.

"JERRY!"

Ray's eye darted left, catching a glimpse of six panicked mares and a shell-shocked dragon. The yellow one was crying, and the others were holding back Dash and Applejack, who were struggling to come to their aid. "Chrysalis! Let go of them!" the second bride barked, standing tall next to her dazed husband.

The Bug Queen ignored them.

"You will pay for your insolence!" she hissed, glaring daggers at them. Her magic pulsed, and Ray found himself pressed to the marble floor on his knees. "Now bow before me, apes!"

"Fuck you, bug," Jer growled through grinding, gnashing teeth. Blood had begun to seep around he blade in his leg. "We bow to no one."

Raymond spat at her swiss-cheese hooves. There wasn't much else to say, really.

"So be it," Chrysalis scowled, her wings buzzed once, twice, and her horn pulsed a sickly green.

Suddenly, Raymond was flying.

---

Rainbow Dash was pissed.

Hours. She'd spent hours perfecting her sonic rainboom for the wedding, and now the whole ceremony was crashing down around her. The Princess was unconscious, Shining Armor was a zombie, and her two newest friends were being held prisoner by the queen of the motherbucking changelings!

"An eye for an—uhn—eye, huh? Well fu—augh!"

Rainbow's eyes widened as she watched Jer's knife—a weapon she'd become quite acquainted with—plunge into his thigh amid a small spurt of blood, directed by changeling magic. Dash felt bile rise in her throat but held it back, replacing the nausea she felt with righteous anger. She leapt forward, intent on tackling the nag who DARED hurt Gerald, but was caught by her tail, snapping her flight to a stop. The corners of her eyes tinged purple, and Rainbow simply struggled harder.

Twilight.

An orange blur that Rainbow assumed was her cowpony friend struggled next to her, encased in a similar, blue aura. "Girls! We have ta do somethin'!" Her cries fell on deaf ears.

"JERRY!" Pinkie screamed petulantly from behind her.

"Chrysalis, let go of them!" the real Cadence cried, unwavering voice rising above the panicked crowd. She stood tall in the absence of Luna as the ruler of Equestria… and she was ignored.

"Bow before me, apes!" bellowed the Queen, and Ray and Jer slammed to the ground, facing the tempestuous changeling. The blue pegasus struggled harder.

"Let go of me, Twilight!" she screamed, "She'll kill them! Let go!"

"The only one she'll kill is you!" she heard Twilight sob, "Please Rainbow! Don't!"

Dash ignored her and kept pushing. She couldn't let them die; wouldn't let them. Not them. Not him. Not Scoot's FATHER!

She watched Jer curse, barely keeping himself from screaming through clenched teeth, and Raymond spit at her hooves, his single blue eye burning with defiance.

"So be it," Chrysalis breathed with finality. Her horn pulsed, and both humans tore through the air, crashing through one of the many stain-glass windows of the court.

"NO!" Rainbow put in one final effort, breaking through Twilight's spell—or she let it drop; either way it didn't matter. She shot past Chrysalis, whose contemptuous giggles echoed through the great hall, and out the shattered glass into the open air to find… nothing.

The Canterlot Court Building sat on the very edge of a mountain cliff, separated from the bustling city below by over a hundred-foot drop. Neither Jer, nor Raymond were anywhere to be found: the morning air was empty of everything.

Refusing to accept failure, Rainbow darted frantically along the cliff's edge, looping and diving and searching for the two humans who tried to save her life and the lives of her friends. Above, she heard the crashing of wood upon stone and the sound of hundreds of frantic hoof-steps fleeing the courthouse.

Ignoring the fleeing ponies, Rainbow searched the streets, dipping below the cliff-face and scanning the cobbles below the open window. Ponies and the occasional hay-cart littered the streets, gaping skyward. The frantic pegasus chanced a glance upward, taking note of the thousands of black specks pounding headlong into Shining Armor's shield.

It wouldn't be long now.

Dash caught a glimpse of something shining in the sunlight and ground to a halt. She quickly fluttered to the side of a single story stone building: the old guard barracks. An unsettling red smear stained the blocks making up its western wall, and on the cobbles below, among scattered bits of hay, lay a knife.

Jer's knife: wet with blood.

Rainbow turned a quick circle. They weren't anywhere around. She looked back down at the knife, and her heart clenched.

The humans were gone. She'd failed.

"No!" she shook her head in negation, tears beginning to well up in her eyes. "They can't be dead! YOU CAN'T BE DEAD!" she screamed down at the bloody knife, "you dumb FUCK!" The rainbow pegasus curled up against the barracks, tears streaming down her face, her body wracked with sobs.

Hooves clattered on the stones nearby.

"Miss Dash!" A young guardspony skid to a halt beside her. "What's going on?!"

Rainbow Dash grit her teeth and looked to the sky, not making eye contact with the brown stallion to mask her tears.

"The changelings are invading," she gulped, somehow keeping the sorrowful waver from her voice. As she spoke, cracks began to form in the shield above, and glittering slivers of magic drifted down upon the city.

"Oh, Celestia…" the guardspony gasped. "I have to find the lieutenant!" Seconds later he was gone, galloping along the cliff-side and out of sight.

Dash slumped to her haunches, watching ponies flee: a blur of sound and shape and color. Hooves thundered and clattered in a panicked rhythm. The streets were paved with noise. She looked down at Jer's knife. The fine, laser-honed edge splattered in drying blood.

Red will drown the silver lining,

Desperate mothers: fillies crying,

Clouds of white find soldiers flying,

Don't you know today we're dying?

The sky-blue pegasus snorted, her eyes narrowing dangerously. She looked back up the cliff toward the courthouse, spotting the window she'd flown through. Dash caught a glimpse of black carapace and swampy, green mane and snarled.

She stooped, clutching the synthetic handle of the human's blade in her jaws before springing into the sky—the copper taste of blood heavy on her lips. Rushing wind dried the tears from her face, whipping her prismatic mane about as the window hurtled toward her.

Rainbow Dash was pissed, and somepony was going to pay.

---

Thanks for reading! With any luck, the next update won't take so long to post.