.disclaimer: don't own.
.chapter fourteen: you, me, alcohol, the truth.
Say it.
What are you waiting for?
This is why you're here, isn't it?
Say it.
You're fixing what's wrong because of the brat.
What's the matter with you?
"Sasori? Are you all right?"
The redhead was brought back into reality and blinked, his vision immediately clearing and focusing on his grandmother, an unnatural look of worry gracing her usually passive features. When he realized he couldn't speak, it was like he shut down. Distantly, he saw himself here, trying to speak, but where he was, where his mind was, was back in the apartment, watching Deidara working on art and not schoolwork, being happy and not miserable, realizing what he was giving up for what he hated. It was like he was reminiscing, pining for something that was lost: a happy, calm, genuine, trusting relationship between the two, where arguments over Chinese or pizza were the most annoying in their day, when feelings weren't complicated and mind boggling, when he could look at Deidara and not want to hurl.
Clenching his fists, he sighed and looked down, shaking, willing himself to push those thoughts away. That was the past and the past was the past for a reason; it should not be repeated and it was just another experience for him. Now the experience was over and it was back to his normal life.
When he looked up again, the Sasori that Chiyo had seen earlier that evening was gone. The faint smile in his eyes and the genuine, slight curvature of his lips, the light aura that surrounded him was gone. He had changed but whatever happened from when he left to now, he reverted back to his cold, emotionless self. His eyes were dead and his face showed no signs of smiling; this was the person that she had known her entire life, the person that aced her classes and secretly gloated about it. This was the person she knew and she was, quite honestly, disappointed to see him again. She thought that by pushing him so hard she was doing him something good, but after seeing what would happen if she released her grip, she saw that he found genuine happiness, or at least a taste of it. Now he was coming back under her grasp and she didn't want him to; she wanted him to be happy. So before he even spoke, before his unsmiling lips moved, she knew what he was going to say. And she also knew her answer.
"Chiyo-baachan, I'm resuming law school."
Running her eyes over him surreptitiously again, she wondered what could have changed. Same hair, same brown eyes, same face, same clothes. Maybe it was a hunch or the way he carried himself now; he had smiled, he actually smiled, earlier, something she hadn't seen in so long. It was like he had relaxed, the strings that controlled him were loosened. And now they were retightened: the smile was gone, the warmth faded, and his black and white view on things back.
Part of her wanted to deny him; she could, couldn't she? Not only was she his grandmother and, technically, still his legal guardian, but she was also his professor and she could easily tell him he couldn't return because he had missed too many days or was too disrespectful; she had a plethora reasons of which she could use, but couldn't find it within herself to use any of them. Because no matter what, she would want to satisfy his wishes because that was the least she could do, even wishes that she felt wouldn't help him.
"Monday," she answered, nodding and looking just as serious as he was, "I'll see you then, Sasori. You'll find more practice tests on the dining room table on your way out."
"Thank you." Words of gratitude were spoken with no emotion as he left, closing the door behind him, until it was almost completely closed. A few moments of later, she heard the shuffling of some papers and then another door close and Chiyo signed again, frowning.
I hope you find your happiness.
-X-x-X-
I hope you find your happiness.
Those were the first words Deidara thought when he heard Sasori come back. He got up and left his room, heading over to the kitchen table where Sasori was laying out their dinner quietly. He saw the new practice tests and grimaced, but said nothing, knowing nothing he would say would change Sasori's mind. He watched Sasori take out the white boxes and plastic containers with food, never once looking up to look at him and still saying nothing.
"No egg rolls, un?" Deidara asked, clearing his throat.
Sasori smirked, Deidara cringed at that, missing the soft, serene smiles. "No, sorry."
As he moved about the kitchen, getting chopsticks and bowls, Deidara gripped the edge of the counter as he listened to the sounds of cupboards and drawers being opened and closed, a silence that was heavy in the air. "You know danna," he blurted out and the fact that Sasori didn't even turn around at the outburst irritated him more, "You're changing back already, un."
He set a bowl down in front of him as well as a pair of chopsticks and began opening the containers. "I don't know what you're talking about." He didn't even look up and his tone didn't even change. In the past few weeks, Sasori would have looked up or acknowledged that he said something, but this was the Sasori he knew when he first moved in: robotic, cold, distant. When Sasori smiled for the first time that night in the tent, Deidara felt he had made such a huge break through, coaxing Sasori's humane side out of his cold shell. But he had retreated now, locked his heart up, and probably fed the key to some stray animal.
"You're not smiling anymore, un."
"Nothing to smile about."
"You're emotionless again, un."
"Was I ever like Tobi?"
"You're… not happy again, un."
To this, Sasori had no immediate response, and Deidara thought he actually got through with him until the redhead looked up, scowling. "What I feel is none of your concern, brat. Eat."
"If you're doing this to get back at me for what I did to you, it's…"
"It's not about you. Shut up and eat."
Deidara scowled but nonetheless picked up the chopsticks and stabbed angrily at the chicken in the white carton, stuffing it in his mouth and chewing viciously as Sasori calmly ate, hiding his annoyance. He pressed his thumb against his chopsticks and rubbed it back and forth, a quiet outlet for his current frustration. He wondered how long it would be until one of them cracked; surely it wasn't possible for both of them to keep their tempers in check for the whole duration of a meal.
And then suddenly Deidara slammed his bowl down, causing it to break and rice flew everywhere, a single grain landing on the redhead's cheek. Feeling his roommate's blue eyes on him, he calmly brushed it off and resumed eating as if nothing had happened, keeping his eyes focused on his food, pretending Deidara didn't exist. Which, as expected, Deidara did not appreciate.
"Fuck you, douchebag." And with those parting words, the blonde turned on his heel and stomped into his room, a deafening thud and the click of a lock telling Sasori everything he needed to know. The redhead rolled his eyes and glanced distastefully at the mess Deidara had left behind. Not only were their broken shards on the table and on the ground but grains of rice were also mixed in among them. He sighed and carefully stepped over them, retrieving a pair of slippers from the shoe cupboard. Since Deidara broke the bowl, he'd have to clean it up. Frankly, Sasori didn't want his feet to bleed but he could really care less if Deidara's did.
He returned to the kitchen and picked up his practice tests, flipping through them after he put down his bowl and sighed, a strange combination of relaxation and dread overtaking him. Flipping through these made him feel so secure because this was a routine he was used to. Seeing these familiar terms and the scenarios; the multiple choice letters, everything was like second nature and it came back without too much difficulty. But then the dread, the dread at having to do this again, giving up his art again, resuming what he hated again swelled up until he felt like it was going to burst.
But quickly he pushed the dread aside. After all, he chose to resume school and he would have to go through with it. He began to head towards his room when a sudden frantic knock at the door stopped him and he frowned, staring at it, a few moments of silence elapsing before the knocking resumed. Sighing in annoyance, he walked over and yanked it open, narrowly avoiding the person's knuckles being rapped on his forehead.
"Yes?" he asked irritably, glaring at the visitor who blinked and suddenly jumped at his tone, looking bashful. He recognized her suddenly as Ino; if it wasn't the obnoxious knocking, it would have been the blue eyes and blonde hair.
"S-sorry, Sasori!" Sasori?, he wanted to ask, since when were they on a first name basis? Had they even spoken? "Is Deidara here?"
"Room," he answered curtly, stiffening at the mention of the other more annoying blonde and turned around, stalking off to his room and leaving the girl standing in the door way confused. She frowned and took off her shoes, shifting the book in her arms uncomfortably and closed the door behind her. Sasori was pretty cute, she mused to herself, but definitely not her type. For one thing, he probably wouldn't like going shopping with her. And for another…
"Deidara!"
She was so sure that her brother had a thing for him and therefore she could not.
Deidara jumped slightly and turned around, blinking and staring at her as if completely confused. "…Hi, un?"
"Yes, hi!" she grinned and walked over, sitting down on his bed and opening the textbook she had lugged over here with her, "Do you have any spare time right now? I really don't get any of this stuff about muscles…"
"Yeah, sure," he said and pushed himself away from his desk rolling over to her. That was one thing she always liked about him, how he would almost always put down what he was doing if she needed help. She knew not to abuse it, yet she abused it anyway because that's what little sisters did. "Oh yeah," she piped up as she was flipping through her book, looking for the page, "So Sasori let me in. He's pleasant, isn't he?"
She didn't fail to notice the instant darkening of her brother's expression. "Really pleasant, un."
"Are you guys fighting or something?" she asked lightly, laughing lightly at his surprised and slightly terrified look, which she waved off carelessly, "Girls can sense these kinds of things. So you are then?" He didn't answer and Ino knew not to prod; as patient as he was with her, the one thing he absolutely couldn't stand was being prodded into giving an answer. If he wanted to answer he would, but she'd have to wait for it. And if he didn't, well, then she wouldn't because she respected his sense of privacy.
But she really hoped he'd tell her.
"Kind of," he said finally and said nothing more, to which Ino was slightly disappointed but accepted.
"Sasori's cute, isn't he?" she asked brightly, smiling slightly, "He looks like a kid!"
"He's annoying as hell, un." Ino took a quick glance up and saw that although Deidara looked angry and was scowling, the lightest of blushes tinged his cheeks. He seemed to sense her and his eyes met hers and he coughed to hide his embarrassment, but his cheeks turned slightly pinker. "It's warm in here, isn't it?"
"Mhm," she said softly, looking back down, finally locating the page but didn't read from it. To be honest, even though she was having severe issues with biology, that wasn't the reason she came here. She knew she didn't need an excuse but at the same time she would feel like an intruder if she came over for the sole purpose of hanging out. In her mind, she had associated Sasori and Deidara together, not liking others to interrupted, just like she and Sakura didn't like when random people barged in for no reason. It was really weird how she associated them, considering she barely knew Sasori. But every time she and Deidara spoke, he'd always mention Sasori once or twice, and so Ino had grown accustomed to knowing him even if she didn't know him.
What she really wanted to do was see how Deidara was coping with medical school again. She couldn't help but jabber to everyone she knew happily about her brother, the genius Iwa Deidara, who had returned as one of the best students after taking a year off, bragging not to make herself seem smarter (she knew that was impossible) but because she was proud of him.
She had hoped to see him happy, well, as happy as a med student could be. But when she came in, while she didn't see anger and sadness, she didn't sense that excitement or happiness that she thought she would have. Excitement for the second chance, happiness because this would help provide him with a happy future. If anything it was a slight air of fatigue and futility, like he didn't enjoy it but was making himself do it. Which she found ludicrous—wasn't this what he wanted?
Or is this what you wanted for him?
The thought struck her suddenly, right before she sat down. All her life she felt as if she had taken advantage of him, knowing that he cared for her and would do anything for her. And she used that to her advantage, whether it was for money or an excuse to skip school. She had never thought twice about it, taking advantage of her brother's kindness; in fact, it actually made her feel powerful. Because Deidara was not a pushover; he was stubborn and known for that in school. But when it came to her he was overprotective but was basically wrapped around her pinky. And that made her feel sick because she loved him but didn't want him to feel that she was using him.
She genuinely thought that med school was the best route for him because he was good at it, he could make it, and he would have a good, stable career and a future. Wasn't that what he wanted?
"So," she hesitated then looked up slowly, "Are… are you enjoying med school?"
He opened his mouth to say no, he hated it and wished he never resumed but saw her expression and immediately shook his head and smiled softly. "No one ever enjoys school," he answered and she laughed lightly. He felt like he had lost an opportunity to tell her how he really felt about this; it was like she had given him a window to get out of this but he lost his nerve, seeing her nervous face, like she was afraid that she had forced him into something he didn't want.
Which she did. But he didn't want to tell her that, not in that kind of a manner, because he hated being the reason for her feeling uncomfortable or upset with herself. Besides, he reasoned with himself, he could survive these next four years. All he had really lost was Sasori's trust but kept Ino's love. That was worth it.
Wasn't it?
"You are not as important to me as Ino. I will always choose her over you, un."
Words that at one point seemed to easy to say and logic behind them was clear cut became fuzzy. Because family ties were the most important things in one life, yet Deidara was having such huge regrets about saying those words to Sasori, the hurt expression on the redhead's face was one that he would never forget. He always thought he would always, always, always choose Ino over someone, anyone, everyone. But he didn't want to lose Sasori but he couldn't lose Ino, he didn't want Sasori gone but he couldn't have Ino gone.
It was a war between what he wanted and what he needed; he wanted Sasori but he needed Ino in his life.
Unless… he needed both?
But that was frankly impossible. One required a time machine and losing Ino and the other meant losing Sasori. And he felt that even though he had gone with what Ino wanted and lost Sasori, eventually he'd lose Ino too somehow, somewhere along the line because of another stupid mistake. What he needed was like oil and water; they'd always clash and would never mix, but he needed both yet they wouldn't cooperate.
He remembered always scoffing at the stupid sayings Ino used to cut out and tape onto her wall back in high school, her favorite being "sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest." He would always roll his eyes as he stood at her door frame, telling her that she should just do the right thing because she didn't she'd just have hell to pay later. To which she always got angry and threw some kind of hard object at him, either resulting in a speedy getaway or a nasty bruise.
But now he saw the point in that, except both decisions were hard to do and he didn't know which one was right. It was almost like mind versus heart; his mind told him to choose Ino because she was family but his heart kept tugging at Sasori because despite the fights and the intense annoyance that Deidara harbored, he couldn't help but be attracted to him, wanting only what was best for him (Deidara couldn't believe he was thinking such disgustingly mushy and cliché phrases.)
"I'm fine," he repeated again, slowly as if convincing himself more than Ino and gave her a soft smile after a hesitant pause, "It's just tiring, but any kind of schooling is, un."
"You're not mad at me, right?" she asked, her baby blue eyes crinkled into worry, "I didn't force you into doing this?"
"Of course not," his darker, cerulean eyes were kind, clouding what his mind was really saying, "It was my own decision."
They stared at each other in silence, evoking a similar calm expression but their insides were turmoil. One wondered if she ruined the other's life, the other wondered if she really still was the most important person in his life. Deep insecurities that if surfaced would cause chaos, so they were kept on the inside and suppressed with every inch of will because some things are just better left untold.
"Iwa."
"Huh?" both blondes turned to the door to face a startled looking Sasori for a moment before he realized his error and rolled his eyes irritably. "The girl."
"Oh, un."
"Yeah?" she turned to him, finding it rather charming that he addressed her as "the girl" for some odd reason. "Oh yeah, my last name's Yamanaka. I took our mother's name and he took our father's," she motioned towards Deidara. Sasori rolled his eyes, making it obvious he didn't quite care about the naming in the Iwa-Yamanaka family.
"Some Hyuuga girl needs you," he said simply before he turned and left, retreating back to his study. Ino sighed and stood up, closing her textbook and turning to Deidara, grinning goofily.
"Looks like not much biology got done… Hinata probably needs to work on some project with me. Thanks for uh… letting me sit on your bed!" she laughed, feeling slightly more relaxed when she heard him laugh too. The same laugh, slightly more tired and faint sounding, but still the same laugh. She waved goodbye and turned, telling him there was no need to send her off, closing almost the door entirely behind her. After a few moments, Deidara heard her say hi to Hinata and after a few more words, the front door opened and closed and silence pervaded again.
He thought he had called him Iwa.
That was scary as hell, Deidara thought, heart racing as he tapped his pencil against his palm, frowning. From what he knew, Sasori called him 'brat' when he was in a good mood, normal mood, or irritated mood. He was addressed as 'Deidara' when Sasori was angry at him. But 'Iwa'… that was new. Even if he had meant it at Ino, Deidara wondered what he'd have to do to be addressed as 'Iwa.' Probably something really bad.
Sighing, he focused on his textbooks again, pushing thoughts of Sasori out of his head, even though it was difficult. It was just like when he was upset; he found solace in doing homework and preoccupying himself with something else. Whenever he thought about Sasori, it usually ended with feelings that certainly weren't happy, and so he immersed himself in the human anatomy. Good for his studies, bad for the fact that he needed to deal with these stupid feelings.
I don't think you'll ever know how much I care for you.
-X-x-X-
I don't think you'll ever know how much I care for you.
Sasori sighed and suddenly ran his fingers through his head, messing up the already untidy hair and his brown eyes scowled, finding he couldn't concentrate no matter how hard he was thinking. Seeing Ino made him angry at her, because this was the girl that not only was the reason for Deidara's deception but was the reason why Deidara was also forcing himself to go through with med school. And yet he still thought of her so highly, willing to put what she wanted over himself. Sasori had never felt that strong compassion towards anyone before and was skeptical, but he thought that maybe, just maybe, he was beginning to understand it now, how one would sacrifice things for the person he cared so much about.
Deidara was probably the first person that Sasori ever even spoke to again after a huge deception like that and even if the blonde didn't know it, it was a big deal. He was lucky Sasori didn't evict him and get a restraining order; something that sounds exaggerated but was actually close to the truth. Even if it wasn't a formal restraining order, Deidara certainly would have trouble getting close or much less talking to Sasori.
But the redhead "forgave" him because he liked him very much and couldn't stand the idea to not speak to him again. Not so much for his own feelings as for Deidara's. No matter how angry or how annoyed Sasori was, the idea of Deidara being so torn up over something, especially something Sasori could control, would twist and make Sasori feel guilty. And, being a lawyer-to-be, he hated feeling guilty.
Sighing again, he abandoned his studies temporarily and retrieved a clean sheet of computer paper, uncapping a pen with his teeth and boldly writing "THE RESULTS OF FEELINGS OF INFATUATION" on top and underlining it once in perfect handwriting. From there he drew two angled lines (both were ninety degrees, of course) and wrote "pursue them" and "abandon them" before stopping and frowning.
Relationships ended in one of the three following manners: death, divorce, or break up. None of them were particularly appealing, but it was the truth; that's how every relationship ended. Either the two participants of said relationship stayed in love but their relationship was ended because of a death, or they fell out of love and simply broke up or, if married, divorced. When Sasori saw the happy couples talking excitedly about their futures, he rolled his eyes. The immediate may be a happy thought but, really, the future is rather depressing.
He decided to complete diagramming "abandon them" first because he felt that would be much shorter. And he was right, because under that he drew only one line and wrote "eventually get over it and move on with life." He stopped to think if anything else could happen but decided nothing would so moved over to the other possibility which proved to have several more outcomes.
"Don't tell him" which would lead to "find out if he has feelings" which would lead to success or failure.
"Tell him" which would also lead to success or failure.
But this diagram was far too simple because, according to this, everything as perfectly linear and would go exactly according to plan. What about jealousy? What about the desire to stay friends? What about the fact that Sasori didn't trust Deidara? All these could be potential obstacles that Sasori had no idea how to diagram. He scowled and took the piece of paper and folded it up neatly into fourths before ripping it up into fourths as well (his OCD was so prevalent that he hardly noticed it and did things like that mindlessly) and dropped it neatly into the waste bin next to him.
Sasori believed in logic and precision, but was also smart enough to acknowledge that some things just didn't fit into linear paths. That's why the subjects he enjoyed were the maths and, usually, sciences and the subjects he didn't enjoy so much were literature and, except the timelines, history. He was good at all of them, certainly, but those minute tenth-of-a-percent differences were attributed simply to his willingness to listen in class.
One thing Sasori liked about the linearity of subjects such as math and science was that it was so predictable and if he repeated it he would get the same result. Something about the unknown terrified him because he didn't like surprises. He didn't like to be caught off guard, essentially. And Sasori thought this was some kind of a prodigy thing; since he was used to knowing everything, he hated not knowing. But then there was Deidara who was a prodigy as well, or at least very smart, who seemed to hate rules, hate boundaries, hate the expected and loved adventure, loved suspense, loved surprises.
The main attribute that Sasori had associated with Deidara was his loudness and the absence of sound in the apartment right now reminded him of how things had changed so suddenly. The Deidara he first met and the Deidara he knew now were so different, yet his feelings didn't change and didn't waver. Medical school or not, happy or not, stupid as always, he still liked him much more than he ever thought and never dreamed.
He owes me rent, Sasori thought suddenly, blinking, It has been way more than three months now. I should go ask for it or threaten to evict him.
The redhead stood up suddenly, feeling unnaturally energized and almost nervous to talk to the blonde. Then he sat down suddenly, scowling, realizing he felt like a school girl excited to talk to her crush. Pathetic. I'm pathetic. I'll just kick him out without notice.
But as he said that, he knew he was lying. He didn't have the heart to kick Deidara out into the streets for something as stupid as rent after all they've been through. He didn't want Deidara to leave, a paradoxical feeling to wanting Deidara far, far away from him. Besides, money was a trite matter. Even if Sasori didn't live luxuriously, his bank account said otherwise. Deidara would probably faint if he ever found out just how much money Sasori had; thanks to his frugal lifestyle and antisocialness, he had saved up quite a bit.
The redhead rested his chin in his palm with his elbow on top of his study materials, eyes looking at the waste bin that contained the remnants of his earlier diagram. Mentally, he added another possibly route.
Go back in time and never develop said feelings.
-X-x-X-
"I am so happy for you two!"
Itachi looked over in disguised irritation, hearing Konan's joyous squeal into the phone, a wide grin present on the bubbly female's face. The Uchiha sighed impatiently and rolled his eyes, tapping the end of his pencil irritably against the table to remind Konan of what they were doing. He wondered why he had been dragged into this—after all, wasn't Pein the boyfriend? Besides, what business did Konan have enlisting someone in business school to help with a thesis for a history PhD?
"So so so can I follow you?"
Itachi actually sweat dropped at Konan's lack of knowledge that stalking was discreet. He watched her expression and smirked when it fell, figuring that Kakuzu had expected exactly as Itachi expected: with disgust. Sighing disheartedly, the blue haired girl said her goodbyes and hung up, frowning. Her brown eyes flicked up to Itachi, and instantly brightened up. "They got together!"
"I'm well aware judging by your reaction."
"Isn't it wonderful?" she continued gushing, clasping her hands together and looking upwards with stars in her eyes, "Now next would be Sasori and Deidara… I mean, they like each other, right? I'm not crazy? I know they do… yes, definitely. Sasori's never hung around with someone this long before except us and he hasn't drugged Deidara in his sleep, hey did you know that Sasori was extremely good at chemistry back in undergrad? Yeah, he could basically make something more powerful than arsenic from scratch… it's…" she paused, her expression turning odd, "…Actually, that's kind of disturbing. But anyway, I'm totally surprised he's not a med student, but I guess that's because Chiyo-san is a law professor so Sasori's on that track but I'm sure he would excel at anything he did!"
In all the years of living that Uchiha Itachi had experienced, the ability of a girl to keep talking about nothing never ceased to amaze him.
"You know Sasori's trust is really hard to gain? I think Deidara actually gained it… even momentarily. I mean, now that he's lost it I doubt Sasori will ever trust him again but just the fact that he trusted Deidara for a few days even is major!"
How the hell did Pein cope with this girl? This seemingly mature (at times) graduate student was reverting into a high school freshman. All she needed was a disgustingly short skirt and gum to smack and then Itachi would chuck her out the window and pretend it was an accident so Pein wouldn't kill him.
"So anyway, about the Russo-Japanese War…"
And now she just changed topics again. Itachi's head was starting to spin.
Wait, he realized suddenly, She went from those two idiots to the other two idiots… did she completely forget about us? And suddenly, he became irritated; genuinely irritated, because Uchiha Itachi was never forgotten. As a Uchiha, he just commanded attention. He walked into a room and without even meaning to, everyone stopped what he was doing to pay attention to him. Uchiha Itachi wasn't ignored. He just wasn't. Just no.
As Konan began talking about the war and something about casualties numbers, Itachi came as close to scowling without moving his face as possible. Not about to lose Konan's attention for dead people and numbers (no disrespect meant for those who died in the war), he pulled out his phone and pretended to check it, clearing his throat to get Konan's attention.
"Ah, Kisame says he's hungry. He requires my presence for lunch."
"Sounds great!" she said absentmindedly, never taking her eyes off her textbook and papers, to which Itachi once again microscopically scowled it.
"And… then he wishes to return to our dorm. To… study."
"Mm. Studious as always, huh?"
Konan could feel Itachi's death glare on her but refused to acknowledge it, pretending to write down whatever. Lucky for her, everyone knew her handwriting was terrible when she was writing notes for herself so she literally just wrote gibberish and squiggles, knowing Itachi wouldn't catch on. He sighed, murmuring that he had to go and stood up, pushing the chair in like the gentleman he was before leaving. As he stalked out, Konan smirked, leaning forward against her palm and biting the end of her pencil thoughtfully, finally abandoning the work she hadn't been thinking about anyway.
"I knew pretending to ignore him would make him get a move on," she said softly with a satisfied tone and pulled out her phone, creating a new message to Pein.
I told you I was smart! –Konan
A few seconds later, the reply came back.
Please don't hurt Itachi. He's actually a friend of mine.
-X-x-X-
"You. Me. Vodka. Empty stomachs."
"You went five words without grunting. Impressive."
When the door was thrown open and Sasori felt himself being pulled away (his chair was the kind that rolled) he simply grabbed the practice test he was working on and continued to work on it as Deidara rolled him into the living room. Judging by the staggering of the blonde's steps and seeing the shot glasses and bottle already on the table, Sasori figured the blonde was probably already slightly intoxicated.
Stopping the chair by the couch, Deidara then moved past and poured some of the vodka into the two shot glasses, offering one to Sasori. The redhead stared at it for a few minutes then sighed and took it, knowing it was probably the least he could do. That and Deidara grabbed his study materials and threw them over the couch, landing with a loud thud on the wooden floor several feet away.
"You haven't eaten all day, right?"
"Well, there was that fail dinner. But that was four hours ago. You lose your impediment when you're drunk? Odd."
"Drink," he commanded and downed his glass in one gulp. Sighing, Sasori followed suit and regretted it.
It wasn't the taste that it was bad; the fact that the taste wasn't terrible told Sasori this was good vodka and he suddenly wondered how Deidara got it. But it was the fact that the minute it hit his stomach, he felt his head spin momentarily. Sasori had always been good with liquor, being able to be the only sober one at drunk parties he was dragged to. But this was a whole bottle of vodka on an empty stomach after Sasori hadn't seriously gone drinking in a while.
"What's the point of this?" he asked, holding his glass out obediently as Deidara poured him another glass. He saw down on the couch and stared at Sasori, who sighed and moved over off his chair, knowing better than to try to fight an already on-his-way-to-total-intoxication Deidara. The blonde sighed, sniffing the glass before looking up at Sasori, smirking.
"I'm not drunk, in case you were wondering. I can control the 'un', you know. It's just too much of a hassle to when there really isn't anything wrong with it. Just messing with you," he added, seeing Sasori's scowl. He swirled the drink around in his shot glass, smiling slightly. "And I'm bored. Even if we're never going to be friends again…" he paused to drink his glass, wincing slightly and coughing before he resumed talking, "Just one more time. Like on the night of your birthday."
"We're still friends," Sasori murmured, drinking his own and letting Deidara refill his glass (that was a huge bottle of vodka), "Don't be so sentimental, brat."
Rolling his eyes, Deidara shook his head. "Never like before. Okay, here are the rules. If I drink, you drink and with each drink we say something honest about ourselves. No need to talk about how personal each will get because the drunker we get the more personal it'll get by itself, un."
"Hey, you grunted."
"Ah. Shit," Deidara drank again, "One out of twenty, since we just had four and I had one earlier just to try this stuff. I really do lose my speech impediment when I get drunk."
Sasori smirked, tipping his head back and feeling the alcohol slide down his throat. "Two out of twenty. I have OCD."
"Never would've guessed," Deidara muttered, laughing at Sasori's glare and took another drink. "Three out of twenty, un. I actually let Ino dress me up as a girl once. When I was seven. Because she threw scary ass temper tantrums as a four year old."
"That's pathetic," Sasori smirked, narrowly avoiding a kick from Deidara's foot and drank again, starting to feel the wooziness kick in, "Four out of twenty. I may or may not have married a kid in preschool because I needed the red crayon."
Deidara didn't speak, as his eyes were wide and he was gawking, so Sasori took that as a request to elaborate. "I was working on a drawing and I needed red to blend with yellow to get the orange that isn't available as a crayon. And so this girl had it, but she refused to give it to me unless I married her. Thus, I married her because I already knew how to get a divorce as soon as possible. And because she would probably marry the next boy that gave her his apple juice during nap time." Sasori wasn't sure why he was suddenly able to feel so casual around Deidara and tell him these random things. He definitely wasn't drunk yet, but maybe it was because, like Deidara, he missed their friendship. They used to be able to do something like this without alcohol but now they required the alcohol for anything resembling a normal friendship. Sasori knew that he would do anything to get that easy, carefree friendship back; anything except forgive him.
"Shit, man. You got hitched?"
"…In kindergarten." Sasori realized that Deidara was getting drunk but, to be fair, so was he. He was stringing together several words for sentence which was an extremely rare occurrence for him.
"Damn, Sasori no danna. Damn," Deidara nodded and drank again, "Five out of twenty. I blew up an ant hill by accident and scared the shit out of Ino when I went home and shook my hair and ants came flying out at her. I still don't think she's forgiven me completely, un."
"You're a horrible brother," Sasori sighed, noting the Deidara's grunts were growing far apart and his eyes were starting to look glassed over but still alert, "Six out of twenty. I once got incredibly angry at a teacher for giving me an unfair grade on a paper so I hacked his personal Facebook, found evidence of him not illegal stuff, and hacked his school email and sent them to everyone. He got fired."
"So… what grade did you get on this paper?" Deidara asked, wondering how low Sasori could actually go.
"Ninety." He said this with a straight face.
"…Right. I'll never cross you again," Deidara muttered, laughing as Sasori shrugged, smirking. "Seven out of twenty. My parents died before I could tell them I was bi. But Ino figured it out."
"Because you let her dress you up as a girl multiple times?"
"Shut up, Akasuna, un. Only that one time. And no, she said she saw me flirting with guys. I didn't even know I was flirting, for Christ's sake."
Sasori rolled his eyes and shook his head, taking another sip; this alcohol was starting to get to him for real. "Eight out of twenty. I don't think my grandmother cares what I prefer in one's pants." To which Deidara snorted and nearly spilled his entire glass of vodka. Sasori couldn't help but actually laugh, which made Deidara pause and smile genuinely.
"Nine out of twenty. I fuck more often than I get fucked."
"Ten out of twenty. I only fuck."
"So you're an ass virgin?"
"I believe so."
"Would you like that to be changed?"
"No."
"Ah. Worth a try," Deidara shrugged, to which Sasori smirked again at. It occurred to both of them that they were acting like closer friends than they ever had and were more comfortable with each other, as well as saying things they really never would have said otherwise. But they had more than five shots of vodka each already on an empty stomach, and even the most stoic were susceptible to the dangers of being drunk. "Eleven out of twenty. People tend to forget I'm really smart."
"I'm sure your arrogance never goes unnoticed," Sasori remarked dryly, receiving the middle finger from the blonde, "Twelve out of twenty. The only reason I would study in school is so I can answer people's questions so they couldn't gloat that I didn't know something even if they didn't. It makes me feel like I study for other people instead of myself but that's how life is, I suppose."
"Me too," Deidara said quietly and Sasori looked up in surprise, seeing the blonde look down into his shot glass contemplatively. "If I studied for myself I would've had so much more free time but I just gave a huge crap about what everyone else thought about me so I wasted time on that and stressing myself out unnecessarily. And then I thought I escaped that… well," he paused and laughed harshly, to which Sasori felt himself cringe because he didn't like it when Deidara's laugh had anything but joy, "I did. Now I actually have to study to keep my ass afloat. Oh right, thirteen out of twenty. Sometimes I don't believe that you can be truly happy in life."
"Really?" at this Sasori was surprised, sober enough to still rationalize. "Aren't you the advocator of pursuing happiness?" And it was true; he always believed that the reason for Deidara's abandoning medical school was because he had found true joy. But now looking at the sad smile, he realized that he hadn't found it, simply masking whatever pain he had been feeling.
"No," he shook his head, "I haven't. I acted like I did to convince you to do the same but… that was a douche bag move on my part. I was happy but it wasn't true joy because I'd still feel a pang when I thought about Ino and about what other people must think of me now. I pretended I didn't care but I do. You don't just stop caring what people think of you, it's impossible. True joy… I don't know if it exists because there's always, always something that'll hold you back. It's a nice dream though. But unattainable. So might as well go back to medical school."
So it wasn't just Ino. Sasori nodded, staring at his vodka before drinking it, actually shuddering this time. "Fourteen out of twenty. For the longest time, I actually believed my grandmother wouldn't love me unless I followed her path. That if I was a big enough disappointment, she wouldn't love me because unconditional love was a myth. And since I was alone, I craved any kind of affection, knowing I wasn't completely alone in the world. And I guess it became habit to please her after that."
Just how many insecurities are you hiding? Deidara took another shot. "Fifteen out of twenty. It may not seem like it, but I am so fucking thankful that I have Hidan, Kakuzu, and Pein as friends. Shit, without them, I don't know where I would be. And the people that I just met, like Konan and Itachi and Kisame and Zetsu. Even Tobi. I'm not good at showing that I appreciate them but I do."
Sasori ignored the fact that Deidara didn't list him and brushed it off. After all, after the way Sasori treated him, he was surprised Deidara was still willing to share an apartment with him. "Sixteen out of twenty. I swear to God, if we did this a few months ago, I would still be completely sober right now."
Deidara laughed, the kind that Sasori liked. Just a few more drinks and Deidara would be completely gone; Sasori could tell. His head seemed to be pounding but not in pain; he felt like he was floating. It had been a while since he had been this drunk and he forgot just how pleasant it was and why so many people in college used drinking to avoid real problems. Vodka was sloshing everywhere; obviously Deidara's coordination was beginning to be impacted.
"Seventeen out of twenty. I may or may not have stolen this from Kakuzu's cabinet for his most expensive wines and left a note apologizing."
"Eighteen out of twenty," Sasori smiled, taking his second to last shot, and when he looked up Deidara was staring at him, transfixed. He about to ask why when he remembered how Deidara said something about Sasori never smiling again, which made him smile even wider, even laughing slightly. "I am… actually really glad… that I met you," he admitted softly and seriously, looking up, "It may not seem like it but I really do like you." Those words carried so much more weight than what Deidara knew and Sasori had so much more to say but was growing tired, the alcohol draining away his energy, taking away his ability to form the right thoughts.
"Ah, last round," Deidara said, not saying anything about Sasori's last confession but the smile on his lips gave away his obvious contentment. "Nineteen out of twenty," he held up his glass and drank it for the final time, sighing deeply before speaking obviously completely drunk at this point, "You bastard, you stole what I was going to say. Out of all my friends, new and old, I'm the most appreciative for you, you violent douche bag fucker. I really don't know why I even like you this much and how I tolerate you or how you tolerate me. It's something that even I'll never figure out."
"Twenty out of twenty," he murmured, tilting his head back for the last time that night and his hand shook as he put the glass down on the table and leaned over, closer to Deidara. Deidara's eyes were fighting to stay awake but even if they could stay open permanently, the kid was long gone, off to fetch the massive headache bound to arrive tomorrow. The redhead brought a hand up to his head and pulled him towards him, lips mouthing "I really, really, really like you" before ghosting his lips over Deidara's, senses alert of what was happening but movement not controlled to stop it. The part, the rational part that was still so mad at Deidara was being silenced by drunken Sasori, who only knew that he really liked this person in his arms right now, so much so that he couldn't stay mad even though he had every reason to.
"Danna…" Sasori felt Deidara's lips curl up into a smile, his brilliant blue eyes closed and his breath not reeking with alcohol but sounded incredibly drunk. Sasori closed his eyes because keeping them open required far too much energy. Even their voices were softer now and speech slurred because it was hard to enunciate and speak at a normal volume.
"What?" Then again, Sasori was amazed he could even function right now. He felt tingly and not all completely from the alcohol. He felt Deidara relax and fall against him, his head resting on Sasori's shoulder. Deidara's forehead felt oddly cool against Sasori's neck, and he was glad that Deidara was drunk; otherwise the heartbeat would have been really hard to explain his way out of because it was way too fast for just drinking.
"Take me to bed."
Author's Notes: My thought procession for this chapter was "okay I've got this" to "crap I'm stuck let's throw Ino in" to "aw I have to develop the ItaKisa thing" to "Sasori and Deidara need a heart to heart because they're supposed to be falling in love. But just doing it is out of character so I'll make them drunk" to "oh my God. I can update now. Hallelujah." Everything I know about vodka is what Google told me. Vodka (good vodka) is tasteless and odorless and a bottle of vodka typically has 25 or so ounces, which is just about 25 shots. Personally, I've never been drunk before, so not only do I not know how to type drunken characters but I also don't know the levels of progression of being drunk. And they are very, very out of character… but that was the point of the vodka, haha.
I now deeply apologize for the long delay and warn for possibly another long break because April is the month of intensive AP prep and making a decision about college. Come May 1, there will be two or three weeks of AP testing and then I'll be free. I thank you all deeply for being so patient and loyal readers; it really does mean a lot. Thank you so much. And I hope you enjoyed this chapter!