FAQ AND ANSWERS FROM THE AUTHOR:

Q: What vague time-period is this story in?

A: In between Sunset and the Power of Three. However, this story will most-likely NEVER enter the Power of Three timeline.

Q: What is a Zune?

A: Look it up. A Zune was Microsoft's version of an iPod that they tried to market but failed miserably. They obviously failed because most of you have no idea what it is.

Q:What is a Razor?

A: God I feel old. A Razor was a very popular flip-phone about 5-6 years ago. They came in multiple colors and were pretty much the definition of awesome. Look it up in google images for pretty pictures.

I'm going to school soon, so updates are... unlikely?

"Good evening." Barkface meowed from his place in the circle. "We were about to start."

"Sorry." Crowfeather replied, jumping down from the log and padding over. "It's a little far to come here from Windclan territory."

"Shadowclan camp is farther." Rowanclaw growled from his place in the circle. "Shut your mouth. It's gonna be a pain coming here every moon."

"If you don't want to come, be my guest." Crowfeather shot back.

"You can be my guest." Blackclaw murmured seductively.

"Everyone! Please calm down!" Barkface interrupted. "Blackclaw, stop that. Now, I know today is our first day of group therapy. Let's all say hello."

Ferncloud mewed pleasantly from Barkface's left. Rowanclaw muttered something insulting while glaring at Blackclaw, who was throwing everyone thinly-disguised bedroom eyes. Smokepaw mewed a muffled "Hi there!" while licking a patch of fur on his butt. Cloudtail was shaking, his eyes glancing side to side. "The grass LIED." He muttered. "I MUST avenge Tallpoppy's left ear."

There was a moment's pause as Cloudtail's words sunk in.

"…Let's get started." Barkface nodded at Rowanclaw. "Why don't you go first?"

"What if I don't wanna?" Rowanclaw sneered.

The medicine cat rolled his eyes. "Seriously? You've dragged yourself all the way to the island for group therapy. Share with the group."

Rowanclaw snarled moodily and sat up on his paws. "Hello," He meowed sullenly, "I'm Rowanclaw, and…" He cleared his throat a bit nervously. "I'm not entirely sure what gender I am."

There was a pause.

"You are a tom." Smokepaw reminded him. Smokepaw likes to be helpful.

"It's more complicated than that!" Rowanclaw snapped.

"Please go on." Barkface meowed soothingly.

"We had just finished our journey to the lake from the old forest." Rowanclaw's irritated expression slowly melted away as he reminisced. "I had just finished a patrol with Talonpaw. I went to sleep and then… I woke up as a tom. I had a branch and berries, instead of a… you know. If you know what I mean."

"Oh, I know what you mean." Blackclaw meowed in a sultry tone. Ferncloud looked shocked and appalled, vainly trying to cover Smokepaw's precious virgin ears. Smokepaw himself was wide-eyed and confused from the innuendo. Barkface sighed at the immaturity. Crowfeather looked faintly disgusted. Cloudtail just giggled.

"So, how did you feel afterwards?" The medicine cat continued.

"How did I feel?" Rowanclaw scoffed. "It was terrible. I was running around, yowling my brains out, but, weirdly enough, all of those fox-brained idiots in my clan didn't notice anything. Littlecloud just told me to take it easy and get some rest." He sniffed indignantly. "It was like I was a tom my entire life."

"Maybe you were a tom your entire life." Smokepaw's eyes sparkled at his revelation.

"Maybe you were dropped on your head when you were a kit." Rowanclaw growled at Smokepaw.

"Nope! I was an apprentice when I fell on my head." The dark-gray tom corrected cheerfully.

"…What."

"Well, I fell off a cliff on our journey to the lake, but no one looked for me! So I had to travel back all the way by myself!" Smokepaw continued.

"Why isn't anyone paying attention to me?" Crowfeather complained.

Nobody listened.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…

Firestar was cold.

His fur was as fluffed as fluffed fur. He shivered deeper into his nest of moss and bracken, yet sleep would not come.

"Good morrow, Firestar."

His eyes flew open in shock.

He was in Fourtrees again, the massive oaks safe and untouched by Twoleg destruction. The stars sparkled above him, while the crescent moon shined down serenely.

Before him stood Thunderstar, the bravest cat in history in all his glory. His fur glowed in the moonlight. His eyes gleamed with long-forgotten secrets. His paws radiated power.

"Firestar, thou art my greatest, my wisest. My most deserving of thanks." Thunderstar thundered approvingly.

Lightning flashed behind him in a very artistic manner. Thunder thundered thunderously.

He frowned at Firestar's confused face. "What troubles thee, o noble warrior?"

"Sorry, Thunderstar," Firestar confessed. "I'm honored and whatever but… this is my first dream-meeting with Starclan in years. Why can't you just text me… me..?" Firestar trailed off nervously at the downcast look of the legendary leader, and tried to recover. "I mean, this is great. I've always wanted to meet you! But whenever I get these dream-meetings, I don't really feel well rested when I wake up… and I really like my sleep…"

At this point, the author has decided that the verb "Thunder" has been used too often in this story. We shall now substitute Thunderstar's thundering with different verbs, for the sake of ending repetition. Just assume he is thundering.

"O greatest of my legacy," Thunderstar giggled, "the eternal enemy – time – hath nearly vanquished me. Prithee, I wish to learn."

"What?"

"Teach me the ways of technology." He sang, placing the Android on the ground.

Firestar stared. "Is… is that a phone?"

"Aye."

"It's… gorgeous." Firestar breathed admiringly. "Great Starclan, it's got touchscreen…"

"Anon, impart the workings of thy brain. Aid me!" Thunderstar trilled.

"I… can't." The ginger tom sighed. "I honestly can't. I'm sorry. I don't know anything about these new phones."

Thunderstar sat down in shock. "By my troth." He yodeled, devastated. "My fate is sealed."

"I would if I could, but I'm so… old! I'm terrified that no one will respect me and-"

"-everycat shall mock my misfortune-"

"-Sandstorm will never tell me the freaking spa story-"

"-I shall never find a beautiful lass-"

"-even my own daughters think I'm a loser-"

"-I am simply a knave, a prattler, a shandy clamperton indeed-"

"-'normal' male pattern baldness, she said. I'm 8 years old, who becomes bald at 8 years-"

"-No cat uses such language anymore! I, er, am… stupid? Forsooth, 'tis the modern description of a knave, aye?"

"…Yeah. Sure."

The two ginger toms shared a sigh.

"Alas, farewell, Firestar." Thunderstar squawked. "Perhaps I shall ask another for help."

Thunderstar rose to his feet and padded away. The timeless image of Fourtrees dissolved into a silvery dust, and Firestar awoke in his nest of moss.

Meanwhile, back at the ill-fated therapy meeting…

"So then, I told him, 'I'm having kits again!', and all he did was shudder and reply 'We could probably form a whole new clan with just us and our kin, seriously.' Who says that?" Ferncloud finished angrily.

"It's kinda true." Rowanclaw replied disdainfully. "You have, like, 300 kits."

"You must be quite the mother." Blackclaw purred smoothly. "I really like that in a she-cat."

"Where are the lizards I asked for?" Cloudtail narrowed his eyes at a bewildered Smokepaw. "WHERE ARE THEY."

"Just ignore him." Crowfeather told Smokepaw, sneering. "He's here because he's been hitting the catnip."

"Anyway," Barkface meowed loudly. "Who hasn't gone?"

"Erm." Crowfeather said eloquently.

"Ah, yes, Crowfeather." Barkface nodded. "Go on."

"Um." Crowfeather was quite the linguist.

"Come on." Barkface meowed impatiently. "We haven't got all night. Go through the format. Hello. My-"

"-name is Crowfeather, and…" He took a deep breath. "I've somehow impregnated a she-cat without my knowing…?"

There was a long silence. Even Cloudtail was quiet.

"I don't understand." Smokepaw gave Ferncloud a questioning look. Ferncloud just backed away slowly, fearing the worst.

"Tell me your secrets." Blackclaw meowed creepily, his eyes wide. Ferncloud backed away from him as well.

"I never should've come to this thing." Rowanclaw groaned.

Cloudtail was on his back, thrashing around and purring wildly. Everyone ignored him.

"How do you know?" The medicine cat asked.

"Well… it all started when I was missing my girlfriend Feathertail." Crowfeather began. "Since she's dead."

Blackclaw nodded sympathetically. "Hate it when that happens."

"I'm pretty sure that led to my issues." The black tom meowed thoughtfully.

"What exactly is your issue?" Barkface meowed curiously.

"I'm extremely attracted to she-cats I can't have. Leafpool because she's in Thunderclan AND a medicine cat. Feathertail because, well, she's dead, and she would've been in Riverclan anyway. I'm also dating Nightcloud but I don't really give 2 mouse craps about her; there's no adventure. The relationship is way too easy." He rolled his eyes. "And now I've somehow sired Mothwing's kits, which is bad because she's a medicine cat AND in Riverclan." ("Well, aren't you just a special snowflake." Rowanclaw muttered.) He sighed dramatically. "The ridiculous amount of she-cats attracted to my sullen attitude has led me to mating without my knowing."

There was another pause.

"…I'm pretty sure no amount of therapy will help you at this point." Barkface admitted.

"…Seriously?"

"Yeah. You're really screwed up."

"…Oh." Crowfeather meowed. "Well, crap."