Chapter Fourteen: My Anger

As impossible as it seemed, my life did not end that night. As much as I wished otherwise, I kept living and breathing, and life went on. But my pain did not end.

I had always known that if anything happened to me that his world would simply keep turning, but I knew that without him mine could not.

It was announced to the school that there had been an accident in one of the greenhouses and that something venomous had gotten into his system, causing his sudden demise. The only way people knew to talk about it was to say nothing at all, and nobody seemed interested in questioning this story.

But I knew. I had seen he entire thing, and knew that they were all lying to us. I never protested or tried to do a thing about it, but from then on I secretly despised the lot of them and did not trust anything I was told.

I had loved him, I knew that much. But the greatest shame of it was that he had never known. He had not known how much I cared, that I was watching over him always, or that I even existed. A part of me wondered if he would even care about me if he did know that I was there, but I forced myself to insist that he would – after all, he was the one for me. He had to be.

Only a few days after the incident that had ended his life and ruined mine, I found myself again out on the grounds and at my little hill. But instead of sitting contentedly on the cool grass and taking secret pleasure in spying on my peers, I was standing stiff with my arms crossed and staring down at the spot where I knew that his mangled body had been not long ago.

However, my mournful thoughts were soon interrupted by a disturbance. A group of rowdy boys had come out onto the grounds and were laughing and teasing each other loudly.

I squinted down at them, and recognized a number of them as boys whom I had seen with him on multiple occasions. My body seemed to realize it before my mind did, and my nails digging into the palms of my clenched fists seemed to bring this truth to the surface, and I was soon fuming in irrepressible anger.

I had kept myself totally withdrawn for the last three years, and even before that I had never been one to act out. But now I simply could not restrain myself. Before I had any chance to think of what I was doing, I was running full speed down the side of the hill, straight at the group of boys and gathering energy and power as I went.

Before I knew it I was level with them and had flung myself against one of the tallest ones, banging my arms angrily against his chest, "You monsters!" I screamed, not caring who saw me or what they thought, "You imbeciles let him die! I know it, you filthy little…"

I felt large hands pry me away, picking me up with ease as I flailed my arms and legs uncontrollably, still screaming at the lot of them, "I saw you! I know that you were there… You may not have cast the spell, but you stood back and let him die! You cowering little beasts… I'll rip your hearts out!"

I could absolutely not be controlled or restrained. It did not occur to me for a moment how huge these boys were, and if they wanted to they could knock me unconscious with a single strike. Even if I had realized this, it wouldn't have stopped me..

However, the solid guy holding me was much too strong, and I had nobody else within each to hit at. Very reluctantly I flailed less and less, and finally began to silence my shouting and screaming.

Not willing to hold onto me a moment longer than he had to, he let go of me and backed away. I fell to the ground limply but did not attempt to get up or to continue my attack, despite the anger still boiling in my veins. I sat there, sobbing dry tears, but not saying a thing or looking up.

Although I was not looking at them, I could still almost see them standing around me, some of them guilty, some of them clueless. I knew it was awkward for them all, and I was glad. Even those who had nothing to do with the whole incident were guilty in my mind. Even though I was uncertain as to what exactly had happened or what I had seen, I felt sure that any of them could have intervened and saved his poor life.

"What is she talking about?" One of them belatedly demanded a bit too fiercely, convincing me that he had been in on it.

"I dunno…" Said another. No, not him. He wasn't involved.

"She must be in shock or something." Yea… or something.

"Poor kid." Oh, so was that the method that they were going for? As if putting on a show of feeling sorry for me would make them look innocent? Well, for their information I was not mad, and I knew everything that I needed to know.

"Should we try getting her to the hospital wing or something?" One of them asked uneasily. So maybe some of them, the ones who had not been involved, did actually feel sorry for me.

"Nah." Really?

"Best just leave her be." Okay, so maybe just one of them.

"All right then." And not even that much in the first place, apparently.

But then, to my surprise, a new voice joined the group, "You're damn right, you had better leave her be."

I finally looked up out of curiosity to see who had arrived, and I found myself in the shadow of an even larger group, a few members of which I recognized, but most I did not. The speaker was a girl, and I immediately thought of Estrella, but then recalled that she had graduated from Hogwarts the year before. However, I was sure that these people were what remained of her group, and this girl must be who had taken her place, so to speak.

I felt compelled to ask them what they were here for. I feared that they remembered me from my days when I had counted myself as one of them, and I did not want to be remembered like that. However, they did not even look at me, not breaking eye contact with the boys whom I had attempted to attack.

"You lot had better clear out of here," she spoke again in her cold voice which commanded attention, "Unless you want a real ass-kicking."

I did not expect them to be at all afraid of her, but was astonished to see that they exchanged anxious glances and began to back off.

"Yea, whatever… there's no show here anyway," One of them said, looking like he really did want to get out before things got too dirty. Clearly this group had earned quite a reputation.

The girl did not lower her gaze from them until they had completely departed, at which point she and all of her accomplices turned inward towards me.

Slowly I stood up and looked around at them. They were all standing perfectly still, staring at me with blank eyes and hard faces. "I…" I began, meaning to thank them in some way, "I'm sorry… I've been such a mess. Ever since he died-"

I could not go on. It hurt me too much to even speak. Still, they stood still and silent, simply watching me as I clutched a hand over my mouth in attempt to quell the sobs that I feared would come.

And then the girl was standing beside me, her cold hand resting on my shoulder. She spoke, and it was with a gentleness and understanding that I would never have expected her to be capable of upon laying eyes on her, "You loved him, didn't you?"

I said nothing, but gave a slight noncommittal jerk of my head which I trusted her to interpret correctly.

There was another pause which they allowed me for my grief, and then she swiftly removed her hand from my shoulder, and when she spoke again, the gentleness of her voice was replaced with something much more harsh. "He died for what was right. Those people would sooner have seen the structure of our world fall than save his life."

My head snapped up towards her at once. Those words… they felt so familiar to my ears, and I felt as if I had sat through this entire scene before, although I could not quite recall when or where.

Knowing that she had my rapt attention, she went on, "These boys were not the only ones involved. There were others, and we know exactly who they were. They can not go unpunished."

The others began to join in, and soon there were voices coming from every side of me.

"They deserve to feel pain."

"Like he did and like you do."

"You cannot let them get away with such foul deeds."

"You have what it takes to make them pay."

"And make them pay you will."

I felt as if I were being haunted by spirits, constantly nagging and swooping down at me from all sides, leaving me powerless to ward them off. I wanted them to go away so that I could be left alone in my own pain, but they showed no signs of relenting.

"The world is changing," the girl said, "He tried to fight to make things better for our kind. He fell, but you can help carry on the fighting in his name. Avenge him and go on to continue his noble work so that he will not have died in vain."

There it was again. These words, this message… I had heard it all before, perhaps long ago. Did this mean that this was what I was supposed to do? Was there even any other choice left for me?

But I said nothing. I stood still, hanging my head and avoiding looking them in the eys. I think that they must have realized that I was not quite willing to give in, for they tried a slightly different approach.

"Would you refuse to join in, or perhaps attempt to stand in our way?"

"Would you be like one of them, who stood aside and let him die, out of your own cowardice?"

"Or even one of the ones who had wanted him dead?"

This approach certainly did grab my attention, and I finally looked up, "I would never," I said in a low yet firm voice, "I am not like them… But I don't think that I am like you either."

The girl looked somewhat taken aback at my sudden voicing of will, but she seemed to realize that I meant what I said. She took two steps back and said, "That may be, but you will soon change your mind. And when you do you will be sorry."

Unwavering, I watched as they turned around and marched back to the castle. I was relieved to be free of them. I had said it and I had meant it; I did not want to be like them.

And yet there was something of that exchange that stayed with me, that would sometimes, when I would let my guard down, come back to me and torment my mind.

I became less and less at ease, and as time went on I knew that something had to be done. To be quite honest, I was tired of my meager existence. My life had been devoid of meaning for years, and now the one thing that seemingly kept me going from day to day was gone. I could barely see the point in going on any longer, and as every day became more and more of an ordeal, and I couldn't say how long I would be able to bear it.

I had never known life to be as hard to endure as this. I had face tough times yes, very tough times. But now I felt sure that there was nothing left for me and there never would be.

I began to look for ways out. At first all that I wanted was a way to steer clear of everybody in my life, and then I wanted a way out of school, and it didn't seem like to far of a step after that to wanting a way out of my very life.

And in many ways I did. After everything that I had put up with for so many years, it was almost impossible for me to imagine that it would all ever amount to anything more.

It slowly began to dawn on me that I simply didn't care. This was not a thought that settled easily, for I had spent so much time sheltering myself that it felt strange to drop it all and hold myself out to the world, crying into the darkness that I no longer cared what it did to me.

It did not take me long to make my final decision.

Two weeks later I was standing in a small room above the Hogs Head, my hair falling loosely down my back and around my shoulders, blending into the darkness of my cloak.

"So…" said the voice of my sister, "You have not spoken or so much as looked at me for these long years, and now you come crawling back to me?"

I hung my head low, staring intently at the floor, "Yes, it is true."

"Hmm… And what exactly do you expect me to do for you? You have not shown me the courtesy of a sister, and I think we both know that I don't owe you anything."

I now raised my head, staring beseechingly into the eyes of my estranged sister. I took a moment to draw my breath, and then said, "Sister, years ago you offered me the chance to assist you. You said that I would become great and do the most noble of work. Then I was captivated by such ideas but was not prepared to do what I had to. Both of these things have changed. I no longer care for your ideals or your offers of greatness. But I also don't have anything holding me back."

My sister frowned deeply and stepped forward, appraising me. "What is it you are trying to say?" she demanded sharply.

I looked down once again and said in a low monotone, "I am entirely at your services… Whatever you ask of me, I shall do."