PART DA WUN
Virmire was a beautiful planet, Liara T'Soni thought to herself. The breathtaking angular rocks encrusted with plant life hid a winding network of caves, sandy canyons and shallow pools of crystal clear water, the clear blue sky studded with the odd fluffy white cloud. Four legged local life forms ambled carelessly between various pools, rooting for food with a surprisingly relaxed manner about their beings as above them tiny flying organisms coloured with every bright shade imaginable flitted and flashed through the air, forming spectral shapes in their shimmering swarms. If she was not plummeting towards the planet at terminal velocity, strapped into a buggy with four individuals of questionable sanity, it would be a paradise.
Alas, she was.
"'Ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go!"
Sheppurt, Ash, Wrex and Tali were all gleefully chanting as they dropped, Sheppurt pulsing the retro thrusters seemingly at random and jerking the occupants of the buggy around. As they started their chorus of staggeringly creative song again Liara shrugged to herself and added her voice to theirs.
"'Ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go-o-o!"
VIRMIRE - DA BASE KAMP
"Captain, we've got something on the long range sensor net."
Kirrahe suppressed a groan as he glanced up from the rifle he was trying to fix.
"Another Geth patrol?"
"Unlikely. Single fast mover, a light ground vehicle of some sort. It's headed right for us."
Kirrahe was about to reply when he noticed a strange sound drifting over the air. It didn't take long to recognise it.
"Orks?"
The other Salarians listened to the roar of weapons fire for a few moments before nodding their agreement. There was a distinctive ... testicularity about the reports of Ork weapons that any STG operative would recognise.
"Why are there Orks here?"
"Doesn't matter. We can use their presence to our advantage."
There was a loud crack and a thunderous boom on the horizon, accompanied by the sudden appearance of a respectable mushroom cloud.
"Sir, that was the western flak emplacement."
"I think it just got Orked."
There was a sudden horrible crunching sound that echoed over the cliffs and rocks, swiftly followed by a terrible grinding an then an ominously final crash.
"What was that?"
Commander Rentola received a message on his Omnitool.
"Sir, recon two has a visual. They report a single Ork buggy that seems to be, ah, say again recon two."
There was a faint reply and Rentola's eyes widened in shock.
"Apparently they have impaled a Geth Armature on a harpoon attached to the back of their buggy by a chain and are dragging it over the sharpest rocks they can find."
Kirrahe looked out over the idyllic surroundings.
"You're trying to tell me there's an Ork mob road-hauling a Geth Armature out there?"
Rentola looked very unhappy.
"Yes sir."
Kirrahe groaned.
"What did I do to deserve this?"
VIRMIRE - DA SANDY BIT
"Boss! 'Nuvva gate!"
"I sees it! Get ta shootin'!"
Cackling madly, Ash jammed down the firing handles of the turret, sending a familiar spray of dakka at the Geth manning the gatehouse. Wrex joined in with the beemy deffguns a moment later, punching holes through whatever he happened to hit with spears of concentrated light. Sheppurt brought the buggy slewing around, sticking his hand out the side and presenting his middle finger to the Geth firing from the parapet.
"Zog off!"
He glanced around at Wrex, seemingly unconcerned by the fact his wrenching on the wheel had sent the buggy into a skidding tailspin.
"Get da bomm."
Wrex hefted what looked like a recycled oil drum, crudely painted in yellow with the word BOM scratched on the side. Muttering to himself, the Krogan Battlemaster withdrew a sharpie from his ammunition pouch, quickly scrawling a second M. Ash nodded in satisfaction.
"Ain't a bomm 'less it sez Bomm on it."
Sheppurt squeezed the brakes, the unpleasant smell of hot rubber assailing the occupants of the buggy as Wrex heaved the bomb out his side, Tali and Liara both craning their necks to watch out the rear as the garishly painted IED came to rest at the base of the gate.
"'Old on, we's leggin' it!"
Sheppurt squeezed down the accelerator as far as it would go, the buggy sending up a spray of sand as it shot away from the gate. Not a moment too soon, as with a boom that probably rattled the skulls of people on Omega the central portion of the gatehouse simply ceased to exist. The shockwave hit them moments later as if Mork (or maybe Gork) had just slapped them on the arse, picking up the buggy and sending it careening through the air. Sheppurt pulsed the retros, thankfully able to keep the contraption upright as they landed, about faced and charged through the cloud of dust and smoke left behind by the gate's destruction.
A couple more twists and turns brought them to a Geth fire team, who immediately set up portable kinetic barriers and formed a firing line for what little it was worth. In the back seat Tali stood up, thrusting her choppa into the air.
"WAAAGH! CRUSH THEM UNDER THE DEFFROLLA!"
The spike encrusted metal drum in question began to spin as Sheppurt aimed the buggy straight at the unfortunate Geth squad. With a chorus of yells and whoops, the Normandy's resident overkill on wheels ploughed first through the kinetic barriers, which popped like soap bubbles, and then the infantry platforms, which crunched underneath the Deffrolla like so much garbage. Sheppurt was especially delighted to see one platform, its entire left side a crushed ruin, spin around the rolla four times and then be flung into the air, sailing over to land somewhere behind the buggy when he switched off the device.
"Gud shout, Bukkit. Oo look, a Geff Dread."
The 'Geff Dread', known to Citadel species as a Geth Armature, unfolded from its drop position, charging its plasma cannon and lining up with the conveniently presented rear of the Ork vehicle.
"Launchin' chainz!"
By the time the Armature's audio processor had registered and translated the phrase several six foot harpoons had lodged themselves in its chassis, rendering the point moot. The plasma cannon harmlessly discharged into the sky as the Armature was yanked off its feet, skidding along behind the Orkish contraption as error messages and damage reports began streaming through whatever parts of its CPU hadn't been skewered.
"Dat rok looks pointy enuff."
One of the Armature's legs was sheared off by the glancing blow, oil and coolant spurting out of the ragged torn stump. A couple of masterfully executed handbrake turns had the Armature smashed into a cliff or two, inducing severe stress fractures and buckling throughout its main body and rendering two more legs inoperable. The armature flipped as a result of another impact and its head turret was dragged through the sand, being ripped off in fairly short order. Blinded and stripped of its weapon, the Armature self destructed, the internal charges blowing the walker into several large chunks, four of which continued to be dragged behind the Ork buggy.
"Hur hur, dat wos dead funny. Now les go see wot dose squishies want."
VIRMIRE - DA BASE KAMP
"I'm pleased to see the Council is treating this little problem with the appropriate level of violence."
Sheppurt immediately liked the Salarian captain. Unlike the vast majority of his species, he seemed to have an appreciation for a decent scrap, and judging by the amount of firearms strapped to his person a near-Orky love of dakka.
"I assume you're the vanguard for the attack force?"
"Ain't no attak forse. Yer talky-majik was all fuzzy-loik, we's jus' 'ere ta take a look. Dat bein' said, nevva 'urtz ta be preperred, so we's brot along sum extra boyz."
The shuttle, built in the same scrap-and-prayers fashion as most Ork constructions, was painted bright green, two stubby wings and two enormous rokkit enjins sticking out the back. On loan from Warboss Hakkit's personal forces, the lander barely fit in the Normandy's cargo bay. The lander pushed itself up on four colossal hydraulic legs, leaving behind its centre section and revealing a colossal hinged door. Squinting at the imposing ship, Kirrahe could barely make out a name in Ork glyphic on the prow.
"Funderburd Da Sekkund Wun?"
Sheppurt leaned over conspiratorially.
"Da furst wun blowed up."
The door hinged open, forming a ramp down which roared no less than six Trukks and an entire mob of Deff Dreads. The last out was a colossal green monstrosity, a good two foot taller than even Sheppurt. Unlike the Mega Armoured Nobz clearing the way for him through shouting and shoves with their power klaws, he wore no armour and in fact nothing save a pair of squighide trousers and heavy combat boots. His right shoulder was encased in metal plates, the chugging of cybork bitz indicating it had been extensively rebuilt, and he held a colossal chain-choppa loosely in one hand, a gauntlet on the other arm fitted with a wrist mounted Snazzgun that had Ash moaning in envy. But the most striking thing about him was his eyes. Unlike the average boy who had dull red eyes, or Sheppurt's which were a vivid yellow-orange, his were a shade of electric blue that almost seemed to glow from within.
Kirrahe recognised the Warboss, as evidenced by his hand immediately coming to rest on his largest weapon, a heat seeking missile launcher.
"Snagrod ..."
The Arch-Arsonist of Charadon approached Sheppurt and Kirrahe, his bodyguards falling in behind him. One of Hakkit's most trusted generals, Snagrod had gained a reputation as a savvy strategist when he had led the assault on Edessan during the Furst Kontakt WAAAGH!, mimicking Turian strategy by crippling the planet's comm systems with daring Kommando raids prior to the main offensive. Using faked Turian communications, he had lured three entire legions into ambushes, and wiped out two more by allowing them to recapture the planet before Rok Bomming it into geological meltdown.
"Dat's Warboss Snagrod, an' ya shud probberly be a bit more respektful."
Snagrod nodded to the Kommando.
"Fanks fer da ride."
Then his attention zeroed in on the Salarian captain.
"Olrite squishy, wot's da sichewayshun?"
Kirrahe blinked twice, then pulled up a map of the area on his Omnitool.
"Saren has established a major base here, which could be used as a staging post for attacks into Council space or the Attican Traverse. From what we can tell, he's using it to breed an army of Krogan."
Wrex cut into the conversation, eyes narrowed alarmingly.
"Breeding? How?"
Kirrahe looked like he was about to blurt something out, but caught Sheppurt's warning glare and hastily modified his reply.
"We aren't fully sure."
Wrex's voice dropped into a cool, quiet tone that was somehow more menacing than any enraged roar. Even Snagrod looked impressed.
"Take a wild guess."
Kirrahe gulped.
"At the moment, our working theory is that he has acquired a fertile Krogan female and is crash-cloning her, using the clones as a biological factory of sorts."
Wrex glanced around as Liara gasped, eyes wide in horror.
"Goddess! I remember reading an article about crash-cloning."
Kirrahe nodded solemnly, expression grim.
"Yes, the clones would be completely brain-dead. The facility does ship in a large quantity of materials used in life-support machines."
Wrex's teeth ground together and his hands twitched in rage.
"That monster is perverting my people. He must be destroyed."
The Salarian nodded.
"That's why we're here."
Wrex turned and stalked off, moving to the water's edge. Snagrod looked appraisingly at Kirrahe.
"Not bad fer a lie ya made up on da spot. I ashume dat spiky git's rilly got a way round da dikk-sikk?"
Kirrahe nodded again as Sheppurt chimed in.
"We shud try ta kapshur dat data. No tellin' wen we mite need da krogs ta smash sumfink fer us."
Snagrod turned to Sheppurt.
"Hakkit tol' me you was a smart wun. 'Ow's we gunna do dis, den?"
Kirrahe didn't seem to be all that pleased about the talk of preserving the genophage cure, but apparently he realised that discretion was the better part of valour since he let the matter drop.
"Our current plan is for a distraction team to directly assault the facility while an infiltration team enters and shuts down the anti-air defences. Then we can use your shuttle to move in the Birthday Present."
Snagrod looked confused.
"Burfday prezzunt?"
Kirrahe gestured towards the item in question, both Ork jaws dropping as they took it in.
"Now dat ... Dat's wot I korl a bomm."
VIRMIRE - SARRUN'Z BASE
Sheppurt cracked his neck as he approached the Geth patrol, silent in the underbrush. Beside him, Tali, Liara and Garrus moved, while not quite as quietly as him, undetected. With a couple of hand signals he directed them to spread out, surrounding the patrol.
Sheppurt struck first, his twin knives darting out and biting into the back of the rearmost Geth. He severed the link between the power core and the CPU with one blade, while tearing through the primary automotive trunk with the other, a technique Tali had recommended as a way of silently taking out any wayward infantry platforms he might encounter. The orkified Quarian herself was barely half a second behind him, tagging the next Geth with a comm scrambler while simultaneously wrapping an arm around its neck, yanking it backwards and stabbing through its chest. Liara and Garrus moved simultaneously, Garrus taking out one with a quick double tap from his silenced battle rifle while Liara snipped one in half with her power klaw, hitting the last one with a stasis. Sheppurt leisurely ambled over, twisting it until it snapped in two and fell disjointedly to the ground.
"Anyfink, Bukkit?"
Tali jabbed her choppa towards a nearby tower.
"The Geth are using a relay comm system designed to minimise the risk of detection and interception, which gives us an advantage. As long as we avoid any unnecessary noise and aren't visually detected, we should be able to eliminate Geth patrols without their absence being immediately noticed."
Sheppurt narrowed his eyes at the tower.
"An' dat be wun of dose relayz?"
She nodded, the ponytail she had gathered her hair into bouncing on her back.
"Take out that relay quietly and we'll have a window of twenty three seconds to eliminate each patrol."
Sheppurt nodded to Tali and Liara.
"You too, take out dat towwa. Spiky, keep an eye on dem."
As his team moved up on the comm tower, he climbed up a nearby rock, using the thick vines hanging from it as camouflage and handholds both. Once he reached the top, he pulled out his lookin' pipe, lying down unseen in the vines.
"Gud werk kroo. I's gunna direkt ya from 'ere."
He looked over the canyon, planning the route his squad was going to take through and the different vantage points he would move to as he unslung a very rare weapon from his back. The Kustom Stelfy Killshoota was that most paradoxical of creations, an Ork sniper rifle. Trying to get a mek to make him one was an incredibly frustrating task, one he eventually solved by slamming a top of the line Turian sniper rifle onto a Big Mek's workbench and betting him a hundred teef he couldn't make a better one. The Big Mek in question had christened it the Exitin' Riful, because "wen da dakka be exitin' da riful da uvver git's brainy bitz be exitin' 'is noggin".
"Okiez. Spiky, 'ead up ta dat pointy rok, stikk ta da left."
Down below him Garrus, hugging the cliff face, eased into position behind a large triangular boulder.
"Gud. Now Bukkit, move up ..."
VIRMIRE - GEFF SURVUR
scanning ...
interpreting data ...
alert hostile units approaching _ scanning _ threat assessment ...
THREAT IDENTIFIED _ ORK WARBAND
analysing options ...
OPPORTUNITY ESTABLISHED _ PROTOTYPE OLD MACHINE UPGRADED PLATFORMS ON SITE
SOLUTION DEVISED _ COMBAT TEST OF UPGRADED PLATFORMS
calculating ...
PROBABILITY CALCULATED _ 86.3% PROBABILITY OF SUCCESS
activating upgraded units ...
glory to the c'tan
VIRMIRE - DA IN FRUNT OF DA BASEY BIT
Wrex, Snagrod and Kirrahe stared across no-man's-land from their position atop the Ork warlord's battlewagon.
"A fite ta da deff."
Wrex nodded sagely.
"Near suicidal odds."
Kirrahe lowered his binoculars.
"Against an enemy of unknown strength and capability in a superior position."
"We's probberly gunna get stomped but gud."
"And the fate of the galaxy rests on the outcome."
Wrex slapped the Salarian captain on the back.
"Must be Tuesday morning."
As Kirrahe desperately clutched at a nearby banner to prevent himself flying off the battlewagon, Snagrod stamped his foot on the wagon's roof twice. A Mekboy stuck his head out of the hatch.
"Wossup, boss?"
"Fire da Gork's Mornin' Breff."
To Kirrahe's intense alarm, the Mekboy adopted a somewhat rapturous expression.
"You gottit, boss."
He ducked back into the tank and Snagrod gestured to the forbidding wall of the base.
"Wotch dis."
The squat barrel of the battlewagon's main gun elevated to almost eighty degrees, booming moments later and propelling a genuinely colossal, bizarrely shaped shell high into the air, arcing down to descend onto the base.
Kirrahe adopted a puzzled expression as the shell seemed to stop falling about a hundred metres above the base, hovering in the air with the telltale glow of mass effect fields.
"'Ovvery bitz be wurkin, Boss. Press da button wheneva."
From one of his pockets Snagrod withdrew a bulky detonator.
"Nok nok."
Then he depressed the button with an anticlimactic click.
Nothing happened for about half a second.
Then everything was inexplicably on fire.
Once his eyes had adjusted, Kirrahe stared into the whirling maelstrom of purple flame that was previously the gatehouse to Saren's base.
"So what was that?"
Snagrod looked unseemingly smug.
"Da Gork's Mornin' Breff. It be a giunt morty-bullit wot 'as 'ovvery bitz an' a really big burna wot pointz down."
"Are you trying to tell me you are in possession of a mortar that launches aerial drones equipped with incendiary weapons of mass destruction?"
Snagrod scratched his head.
"I 'as no idea wot enny of dat sentense meanz."
Wrex tilted his head.
"Why is the fire purple?"
"'Cos we dun mixed sum weirdgubbinz dust in da burna juice."
This caused Kirrahe great consternation and distress. Ignoring the Salarian, who was muttering something about weapons treaties and angry dalatrasses, Snagrod thrust his chain-choppa into the air, then swept it forwards.
"ZOG DEM GEFF BOYZ UP GUD, LADS! WAAAAGH! DA ORKZ!"
The battlewagon roared forward, more conventional weapons blasting a hole through the outer curtain wall of the Geth stronghold. Through that hole surged mobs of Ork boyz, leaping from their Trukks and engaging any Geth they encountered in vicious melee combat. Wrex hefted his chainaxe, swinging it like a golfer and taking out several unfortunate Geth as the battlewagon roared past them, so much dakka being chucked around that it could be reasonably measured in percentage by volume of the atmosphere. Switching to his beloved shotgun, the Krogan Battlemaster peppered several groups of Geth with blasts of flechettes, any who didn't fall before the thundering of the ancient Claymore being swiftly cut down by the ambient bullets.
On the opposite side of the battlewagon's deck, Kirrahe had abandoned all notion of ammunition conservation and was blasting away with his heavily customised Scorpion tactical pistol. Every shot deposited a sticky blue detonator on a Geth's chest or head, the poor robots being blown to shreds in highly entertaining ways. One had even tried to pull the bomb off its eyepiece only to get its hand stuck, making it look like it was facepalming as it blew into smithereens. Kirrahe resolved to upload the footage to the STG darknet if he survived - Solus would get a kick out of it, at least.
"EAT DIS, YA ZOGGIN' TINBOYZ!"
Snagrod had acquired a bizarre weapon that he was blasting away at the Geth with. It was a colossal fat-barrelled rifle in a bullpup configuration, a drum magazine jammed into the feed and a steady boom-boom-boom emitting from the muzzle. The strangest thing about the whole tableau was that the weapon had a boxy scope on top, which Snagrod was aiming down. The cognitive dissonance of seeing an Ork aiming down the sights almost made Kirrahe fumble his reload.
"Boss! 'Ave a gander at dat!"
Wrex looked around to what the Mekboy had just pointed to. A line of Geth platforms were steadily advancing out of the smoke in eerie silence, their steps slow and steady. Their bodies were coloured a dark grey, almost black, with glowing green optics. They were a good half again as large as a standard combat platform, and yet their limbs were thinner, making them look somewhat skeletal. Most worrying were the colossal cylindrical rifles they were carrying, glowing from within with a sickly green luminescence.
"DAKKA DAKKA DOSE GLOWIN' GEFF!"
Immediately a ludicrous volume of shoota fire was directed towards the advancing Geth, to no effect whatsoever. Wrex couldn't even see any impact flares, it was as if the ammunition was just bouncing off them.
As one, they lifted up their rifles into a firing position. Snagrod thumped on the roof of the battlewagon.
"LEG IT!"
The driver stamped on the accelerator, the last minute surge in velocity evading the first volley of emerald green beams. Kirrahe's eyes followed one of the jagged, hissing beams to its target. It caught an unfortunate Ork square on and emitted a sickly green flash that had him blinking the afterimages out of his eyes. When he looked back there was nothing but a heap of carbonised bones where seconds before there had been an armoured and shielded Ork warrior. He and Wrex apparently drew the same conclusions as they both drew their missile launchers in near synchronicity.
Clearly they were not the only ones to dive for the heavy weapons, as a veritable fusillade of missiles, rokkits and cannon shells rained down on the dark grey Geth. The barrage continued until the only sound that could be heard was the clicking of empty magazines.
"Dey dead?"
Kirrahe switched to the thermal setting of his binoculars, peering through the cloud of smoke.
"Um ..."
"Well?"
"They're dead, but somehow I doubt they'll stay that way."
Wrex snatched the binoculars from the Salarian's grip and brought them up to his own eyes, just in time to witness the fallen Geth, little more than piles of undifferentiated scrap, begin to reassemble themselves before his disbelieving eyes.
"Uh ... They're fixing themselves."
Fixing themselves they were. Within fifteen seconds the grey Geth were fully intact, apart from two at the back which seemed to be fighting over a severed arm.
"Aw zog, dat ain't fair!"
Kirrahe turned around to face the other way, catching sight of another line of grey plated Geth approaching from the other direction.
"Here we go ..."
There was a brief pause, as if time stood still for a moment and the two armies stared each other down.
Then, as the galaxy was wont to do around Orks, everything went DAKKA.
VIRMIRE - SARRUN'Z BASE
"You hearing this, Sheppurt?"
Sheppurt nodded grimly as the infiltration squad moved through the labs of Saren's facility.
"Dat be a lot of dakka. 'Ope Wrex be okayz."
The team stepped through another door, entering what looked like a laboratory. A faint noise coming from behind one of the desks drew Sheppurt's attention and his kustom slugga snapped up into a firing stance.
"Kum outta dere 'afore I splatta ya ta deff!"
An Asari in a lab coat popped up, hands raised and an expression of abject terror on her face.
"Oh goddess please don't kill me! I can give you access to Saren's lab, tell you whatever you want to know ..."
"Shut it an' unlok dat door."
With a squeak, she dashed over to the door Sheppurt was indicating, typing in a complex code. The lock flashed from red to green.
"Fanks."
Then Sheppurt shot her in the head. Liara turned to him with a disapproving frown.
"Was that strictly necessary, Sheppurt?"
"Probberly not, but you saw dose squishies bak dere. I'z fresh outta mursy."
Liara glanced to Garrus and Tali, who simply shrugged in unison.
"Fair enough."
Saren's 'lab' had a surprising lack of laboratory equipment. In fact, the only thing of any consequence it contained was a Prothean beacon.
"Aw zog, 'nuvva 'eadbanga. I suppoze dat me, bein' da big 'ero, is supposed ta stikk me 'ead inta dat fing?"
Garrus looked between his commander and the beacon.
"Well, there isn't anything else to interact with in here, so it looks like it."
"An' dere wos me 'opin' it wud be opshunal. I shud 'ave bin a freeboota. Nun of dis 'ero krap fer dem."
Tali thumped him on the back.
"We can't advance until you do it. This is an important plot point."
"Aw fine."
With visible trepidation, Sheppurt edged towards the beacon, feeling himself lifting off the ground and a by now familiar set of images pouring into his head. In about ten seconds the beacon let him down again, this one thankfully managing to not explode.
"You okay, Sheppurt?"
"I's still kikkin'."
The team turned around as a giant red hologram appeared before them.
"Ay?"
Garrus peered closer at it.
"Some sort of VI?"
"YOU ARE NOT SAREN."
Sheppurt leaned over and spoke to Tali in a stage whisper.
"Ow'd 'e see froo ma kunnin' disgise?"
Tali made a point of looking him up and down.
"Ah, I see. You forgot to take the sign off your hat that says Not Saren in big red letters."
"RUDIMENTARY CREATURES OF FLESH AND BLOOD. YOUR PATHETIC JOKES WILL NOT ALLEVIATE YOUR IGNORANT FUMBLING."
"Oo, big wurds. Is you fer real?"
Sheppurt looked around at his team, jerking a thumb at the hologram.
"Is 'e fer real?"
The only response was a series of shrugs and a muttered 'Beats me' from Liara.
"YOUR INCOMPREHENSION OF MY TRUE POWER MATTERS LITTLE."
"Aw, I fink we 'urt 'is feelinz. Ya know, fer an anchunt deffbot yer self esteem is pretty low."
"YOU HAVE ONLY EXISTED BECAUSE WE ALLOW IT. AND YOU WILL END BECAUSE WE DEMAND IT."
Garrus stepped forward, stomping his foot in mock petulance.
"I demand a cuderae steak dinner!"
He held out his hand expectantly. After a couple of seconds, he shrugged.
"Well, that doesn't work. Looks like we won't be ending after all."
"I COMMAND YOU TREAT THIS EXCHANGE WITH A MORE SERIOUS DEMEANOUR."
"Lemme fink ... I's sassin' a giunt robot space calamari wiv low self esteem. 'Ow sirius do ya 'spect me ta be?"
"I AM NAZ'ZARRAH THE SOVEREIGN. YOU WILL RECOGNISE MY SUPERIORITY ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. WE CREATED THE MASS RELAYS. WE CREATED THE CITADEL. YOUR SOCIETY HAS DEVELOPED ALONG THE PATH WE SET OUT FOR YOU. OUR VICTORY IS INEVITABLE."
Liara started cackling uncontrollably.
"Am I the only one thinking back to that puppet show?"
From behind her Garrus spoke up.
"You mean Mob 'Murika: Plannit Poleese? A true classic."
"That's the one! Hey robot, say inevitable again!"
"YOUR HUMOUR WILL NOT SAVE YOU."
"Naw, but it be funny."
There was a brief pause as holographic Reaper and Ork Kommando stared each other down.
"YOUR GALAXY WILL BE CONSUMED BY A WAR YOU CANNOT WIN."
"Oo, ya do kno 'ow ta sweet tork an Ork like me."
"YOU ARE AN ANOMALY UNFIT FOR ASCENSION. YOUR SPECIES WILL BE EXTERMINATED AS AN ABERRATION."
"Dis remindz me of dat wun time wif dat bounsy strippa ..."
"THIS EXCHANGE IS OVER."
The windows abruptly shattered for no apparent reason as the hologram winked out.
"Wot a littul bitch. Les go plant dat bomm."
CODEX - STG Intelligence Archive: Known Ork capital ships
The following is a list of all known Ork capital ships. Note that this list does not include those known to be destroyed, and that it is estimated by analysts that there are between three to five times this number of Ork capital ships active in the galaxy. It is difficult to keep track of Ork vessels due to their tendency to undergo refits, upgrades and customisations according to the whims of their captains, but the following Ork capital ships have a unique feature that makes them easy to identify. It should also be noted that Orks do not have a shipyard capable of creating any vessels above medium cruiser weight, and it is theorised that like the Orks themselves, their ships start unremarkable but grow over time.
Note to Operatives: Displacement of vessels is measured in RDMU (Relative Dreadnought Mass Units). The scale is standardised with the mass of a Turian Palaven-class dreadnought being 1 RDMU.
DEFF CHARIUT
First Sighting: 2157
Displacement: 8.36 RDMU
Armament: 'Eavy Gunz (Heavy close range kinetic cannon - 25 broadside batteries), Zzap Kannonz (Long range precision energy lances - 14 turrets), Launchin' bayz (3 flight decks, est. 240 strike craft), Torpedo Launchaz (anti-ship torpedo tubes, est. 16-22, various diameters), Kustom Bossblasta (Unknown EMP/ECM weapon - 3 emitters), Plannit-Krumpa Kannon (Heavy ship to surface artillery - 6 fixed cannon), Unknown numbers of secondary kinetic cannon and point defence turrets
Commander: Warboss Hakkit
Known Actions: Battle of Nimines (Leader of battlegroup Gitblasta, ambushed and destroyed Turian dreadnoughts Indomitable, Talon and Agrippine plus attendant squadrons, bombarded surface targets, ambushed and inflicted heavy casualties on Turian First and Second Fleets), Battle of Eleezium (Engaged and destroyed Batarian dreadnought Righteous Glory of Divine Gloriously Righteous Pride plus attendant fleet and bombards surface targets, lands reinforcing troops), Vanis Incident (Fires upon Turian peacekeeping patrol, disengages after inflicting light damage on cruiser Vanquisher), Illium Encounter (Illegally enters Illium orbit with gun ports open, leaves after three hour standoff with Asari cruiser squadron Sarabali Trio)
Additional Intelligence: Known to be the flagship of the entire Ork fleet and objectively the most dangerous combat vessel in the galaxy. The Deff Chariut is known to have abnormally powerful sensor arrays, and so stealth ship captains are strongly advised to maintain a minimum distance of twenty five light seconds. It is identifiable by sheer size and by the large fabric banners stretched between struts along the spine of the vessel.
SLAMHAMMA
First Sighting: 2157
Displacement: 2.13 RDMU
Armament: 'Eavy Gunz (Heavy short range kinetic cannon - 6 broadside batteries), Launchin' Bayz (2 flight decks, est. 85 strike craft) Torpedo Launchaz (anti-ship torpedo tubes - 14, various diameters), Kustom Funderblasta (Short range tesla coil weapon - 1 emitter), Unknown number of secondary kinetic cannon and point defence turrets
Commander: Warboss McHail'O'Bitz
Known Actions: Battle of Relay 314 (Unconfirmed - believed to have been Ork flagship at the site of first contact), Battle of Tridend (Engaged and destroyed entirety of Turian Fourth Fleet as part of Ork Battlegroup Spikeblasta, deployed minefields around Mass Relay exit vectors), Assault on the Citadel (Engaged the Destiny Ascension as flagship of Ork Battlegroup Rokkitraidaz, sustained critical damage and was towed out of the engagement zone by escorting Kill Kroozers), Sacking of Torfan (landed troops and engaged surface targets with strike craft), Multiple raids in Hegemony space
Additional Intelligence: Slamhamma is known to have very powerful engines and manoeuvring systems, granting it a degree of agility unheard of among vessels of its size. It is easily identifiable by the thick ridges that run along its hull from front to back, believed to be the external components of a highly resilient internal structure to weather the massive G-forces the ship's propulsion systems can produce. It is also believed this internal bracing structure is what allowed the vessel to survive the bombardment received during the Battle of the Citadel intact even after its engines, weapons and life support had all been knocked out.
TERRORIZA
First Sighting: 2157
Displacement: 1.61 RDMU
Armament: Zzap Kannonz (Long range precision energy lances - 8 turrets), Kustom Kroozer-Blasta (Long range bombardment cannon - 1 fixed cannon), Light point defences
Commander: Warboss Nazdreg
Known Actions: Battle of Tridend (Engaged and destroyed entirety of Turian Fourth Fleet as part of Ork Battlegroup Spikeblasta, destroyed several orbital facilities), Theshaca Raids (Bombarded several Batarian staging posts, engaged and destroyed Hegemony Fourteenth Cruiser Group), Omega Incident (Blockaded Omega relay, ambushed and captured notable pirate vessel Seeking Eye)
Additional Intelligence: Unusually for Orks, Terroriza is equipped for long range combat and is relatively weak at close range. It can be identified by the large cylindrical prow, which houses the muzzle and targeting systems for the bombardment weapon. Terroriza also possesses powerful manoeuvring thrusters on the prow to aid in aiming the spinal weapon but has a relatively underpowered main drive system.
BONEGRINDA
First Sighting: 2157
Displacement: 3.16 RDMU
Armament: Kustom Gatler-Kannonz (Rapid firing superheavy calibre multi-barrelled kinetic cannon - 12 individual gun turrets), Zzap Kannonz (Long range precision energy lances - 3 turrets), Launchin' Bayz (1 flight deck, est. 40 strike craft), Plannit-Krumpa Kannonz (Heavy ship to surface artillery - 2 fixed cannon), Unknown numbers of secondary kinetic cannon and point defences
Commander: Warboss Snagrod
Known Actions: Sacking of Edessan (Engaged and destroyed entirety of Turian Ninth Fleet as flagship of Ork Battlegroup Deffdakka, bombarded strategic ground targets, initiated asteroid impact attacks on planetary surface), Battle of Nimines (Reinforced Battlegroup Gitblasta, ambushed and inflicted heavy casualties on Turian First and Second Fleets), Charadon Rebellion (Flagship of Hakkit loyalist forces during brief civil war in Orkish province of Charadon, engaged and captured rebel flagship Deffdeala), Tuchanka Encounter (Illegally entered Tuchanka orbit escorting a convoy of merchant vessels, inflicted minor damage on Salarian cruiser Jaeto-22 after several warning shots were exchanged), Multiple raids in Hegemony space
Additional Intelligence: Unlike most Ork ships which have weaponry concentrated on the prow, Bonegrinda has relatively even coverage of weaponry at all angles, and is known to have very dense point defences. As a result it regularly operates without screening vessels. It can be identified by the large and distinctive turrets of its rapid firing main weapons, which sprout between five and eight barrels in a circular formation. The Bonegrinda also possesses a distinctive armoured fairing over its engine block which can close over the thrusters to eliminate such an obvious weak spot, and because of this device Bonegrinda typically moves in ballistic trajectories with short, sharp bursts of acceleration.
'EADCRUSHA
First Sighting: 2157
Displacement: 5.02 RDMU
Armament: Gunz (Medium range moderate calibre kinetic cannon - 4 broadside batteries), Launchin' Bayz (5 flight decks, est. 500-650 strike craft), Unknown number of secondary kinetic cannon and point defences
Commander: Warboss Dagnakka
Known Actions: Battle of Nimines (Strike craft screened Battlegroup Gitblasta and carried out ground attack and air superiority operations throughout conflict), Raid on Arshala Station (Served as base for assault boats deploying boarding parties throughout Turian Third Fleet and Arshala orbital dry dock), Battle of Khar'Shan (Initiated colossal strike craft attack and inflicted heavy casualties on Batarian Prime Glorious Defence Fleet of Righteousness and Exceptional Sexual Vigour as flagship of Terror Group Smashfase), Suspected to have spent a short period as a commerce raider in the Terminus systems under the name Nakkanakkerer
Additional Intelligence: Believed to have several non-Orks on the crew, including the Krogan Battlemaster Weyrloc Vray and an Asari fighter ace known only as the Desert Rose. Identifiable by the large cuboid hull section that contains the flight decks, but is often mis-identified as the Gorbag'z Ravenje. Operatives should look for the large ventral fin situated just before the engine block, which houses the vessel's unusually sophisticated communications array.
DEFFDEALA
First Sighting: 2157
Displacement: 2.70 RDMU
Armament: Gunz (Medium range moderate calibre kinetic cannon - 9 broadside batteries), 'Eavy Gunz (Heavy short range kinetic cannon - 5 broadside batteries), Kustom Splatta-Shoota (ultra-heavy kinetic cannon with a corrosive chemical payload - 1 turret), Plannit-Krumpa Kannonz (Heavy ship to surface artillery - 4 fixed cannon), Light point defences
Commander: Unknown (formerly Warboss Doonik)
Known Actions: Battle of Bostra (Engaged Turian dreadnoughts Antares and Dependable and attendant squadrons, destroyed Dependable but was forced to withdraw, initiated blanket asteroid bombardment of Bostra), Assault on the Citadel (Engaged and inflicted heavy casualties on Citadel Defence Fleet as part of Ork Battlegroup Rokkitraidaz, supported Ork landings on Zakera Ward), Charadon Insurrection (Flagship of rebel forces during a brief civil war in Charadon province, captured by Ork capital ship Bonegrinda, Warboss Doonik replaced by an unknown one of Snagrod's lieutenants), Multiple raids in Hegemony space
Additional Intelligence: Deffdeala's light point defences and lack of a launch deck make it vulnerable should it be caught without escorts. It is recognisable by the large hexagonal turret mounted on the chin, which contains the corrosive cannon. It should also be noted that during the Battle of the Citadel the Deffdeala was able to connect to the critically damaged Slamhamma via a series of umbilical cables deployed from its belly, using its own life support system to keep the air cycling aboard the crippled vessel. This technique has never been observed again and it is unknown if the Deffdeala or any other Ork vessel retains this capability.
SLAMBLASTA
First Sighting: 2171 (Unconfirmed)
Displacement: 2.50 RDMU (Estimated)
Armament: Kustom Blitza-Launcha (Rapid firing planetary bombardment missile weapon - unknown profile), Zzap Kannonz (Long range precision energy lances - unknown profile, but known to be the vessel's primary weapons), Other unknown armaments including at least one battery of kinetic cannon and heavy point defences
Commander: Unknown
Known Actions: Theshaca Raids (Vessel never sighted by STG recon teams, but the destruction of several pirate outposts has been attributed to a lone Ork capital ship referred to as Slamblasta.)
Additional Intelligence: Although initially assumed to be the Terroriza misidentified by pirate forces, examination of the outposts hit by the Slamblasta have revealed an entirely different pattern of attack to any other Ork vessel. Only one low quality image exists of the Slamblasta, recovered from a wrecked pirate cruiser, but it is seen to possess at least six large torus shaped structures protruding from the hull. The nature of its attacks suggests medium to short range engagements against unprepared targets, leading some analysts to suspect the Slamblasta may use an as yet unknown form of stealth technology.
GORBAG'Z RAVENJE
First Sighting: 2160
Displacement: 4.16 RDMU
Armament: Gunz (Medium range moderate calibre kinetic cannon - 5 broadside batteries), Torpedo Launchas (Anti-ship torpedoes - 7 tubes, various calibres), Launchin' Bayz (4 flight decks, est. 400-450 strike craft), Unknown number of secondary kinetic cannon and point defences
Commander: Warboss Gorbag
Known Actions: Mortlock Encounter (Strike craft engage and destroy Batarian cruisers Grand Gloriousness of Gloryosity, Exceptional Glory of Grand Righteous Highness and Righteous Fervor of Legendary Victory after a three day standoff), Battle of Eleezium (Strike craft provide fighter cover for the Deff Chariut, Gorbag'z Ravenje engages and destroys three pirate raiders attempting to make a run for the system's relay and escape), Theshaca Raids (Strike craft engage and cripple Batarian dreadnought Fabulous Defender of Mighty Mightiness and Considerable Martial Might as flagship of Ork Terror Group Nekkstrangla), Multiple commerce raids in Hegemony space
Additional Intelligence: Suspected to be the restored wreck of earlier Ork capital ship Skarfist, which was destroyed by Turian Blackwatch saboteurs during the Battle of Nimines. Easily identified by the large cuboid hull section that contains the flight decks, but is often misidentified as the 'Eadcrusha. Operatives should look for the large cluster of torpedo tubes in a limited arc turret on the prow.
KROOLBOY
First Sighting: 2157
Displacement: 3.90 RDMU
Armament: Kustom Penetrashun Kannon (Unknown barrier-bypassing energy weapon - 1 spinal emitter), Zzap Kannonz (Long range precision energy lances - 6 turrets), 'Eavy Gunz (High calibre short range kinetic cannon - 4 forward arc batteries), Plannit-Krumpa Kannonz (Heavy ship to surface artillery - 2 fixed cannon), Unknown number of secondary kinetic cannon and point defence turrets
Commander: Warboss Kerhooku
Known Actions: Battle of Nimines (Member of Ork battlegroup Gitblasta, ambushed and destroyed Turian dreadnoughts Indomitable, Talon and Agrippine plus attendant squadrons, blockaded Mass Relay, ambushed and inflicted heavy casualties on Turian First and Second Fleets), Battle of Eleezium (Engaged and destroyed Batarian dreadnought Righteous Glory of Divine Glorious Righteous Pride plus attendant fleet and intercepts mercenary reinforcements), Charadon Insurrection (Fought on side of Hakkit loyalists during brief civil war in Charadon province, bombarded rebel-held spaceport on Ork colony of Charadon Da Sekkund Wun and destroyed several rebel Kill Kroozers), Binfoo Incident (Boarded by Orks of unknown allegiance over Binfoo, sustained major internal damage from saboteurs but managed to repel boarders)
Additional Intelligence: The Kroolboy's primary armaments are designed to fire on targets directly in front of the vessel as opposed to the usual Ork tactics of engaging targets at broadside. The Kroolboy is also known to have an unusually powerful kinetic barrier and dense defensive armament. It is easily identified by its distinctive hammerhead prow upon which the majority of its weapons are mounted.
BLAKTOOF
First Sighting: 2166
Displacement: 3.11 RDMU
Armament: 'Eavy Gunz (Heavy calibre short range kinetic cannon - 14 broadside batteries), Launchin' Bayz (2 flight decks - est. 130 strike craft), Torpedo Launchas (Anti-ship torpedoes - est. 10-13 tubes, various calibres), Unknown number of secondary kinetic cannon
Commander: Kaptin Badrukk
Known Actions: Extensive piracy operations in the Terminus Systems and Hegemony space
Additional Intelligence: Unofficial flagship of the Freebooters. It is believed that Kaptin Badrukk is influential enough to unite all other Ork Freebooters into a single fleet should he be so inclined. The Blaktoof has very light point defences and relies on its strike craft complement for anti-bomber and anti-missile defence. It is easily identified by the large cuboid section that is mounted on a short boom from the port side of the hull that contains the strike craft bays.
BUTCHA
First Sighting: 2172
Displacement: 1.74 RDMU
Armament: Unknown beam armament - est 28-34 turrets, Unknown number of launch decks, est. 200+ strike craft, 2 large weapons turrets - capabilities unknown, Unknown number of point defence turrets
Commander: Unknown
Known Actions: Tomoe Incident (Flagship of Ork raiding force that attacked the minor Asari colony of Tomoe, taking almost a hundred thousand civilians prisoner before bombarding the colony to rubble), Battle of Mannovai (Flagship of Ork fleet that inflicted heavy casualties on the Salarian Second Sentry Fleet and bombarded several planetside STG installations)
Additional Intelligence: Very little is known about the Butcha, but it has been confirmed the vessel is not affiliated with Warlord Hakkit. It is known to have an unusually smooth and uniform hull with thick curved armour plates designed to deflect kinetic impacts, rather than resist them.
KRUMPSKULL
First Sighting: 2178
Displacement: 1.19 RDMU
Armament: Kustom Tellyport-Blasta (Unknown space-folding weapon system - 2 turrets), Gunz (Medium range moderate calibre kinetic cannon - 7 broadside batteries), Torpedo Launchas (Anti-ship torpedoes - 6 tubes, various calibres), Launchin' Bayz (1 flight deck, est. 40 strike craft), Unknown number of secondary kinetic cannon and point defences
Commander: Kaptin Bluddflag
Known Actions: Extensive piracy and slaving operations in Terminus systems
Additional Intelligence: Flagship of a powerful multi-species piracy syndicate based out of Omega. It is easily recognisable by the emitters for the space-folding weapon, which are mounted on the sides of the forward section and jut forwards almost thirty metres past the tip of the prow.