Wheyyy.
The sixth chapter I've updated! ;)
It's kinda cute.
Still depressing though.
Goshhh. I'll have to update something happier for the next chapter yeah?
Even if it doesn't fit in.
We'll just have:
Chapter 13 – Chryed being all angsty
Chapter 14 – Chryed 'dress in drag and do the hula.'
Chapter 15 – Chryed being all angsty
Could work? ;)
We need to Talk
Christian was lying in their bed, trying hard to concentrate on a book, when the door swung open. He looked up, and Syed stood there, in his dressing gown, a serious look on his face.
"We need to talk," he said simply.
Christian shut the book slowly.
"Yeah, we do." He admitted. The two men hadn't spoken for twenty-four hours, a near impossible feat considering they were within the same house. Syed had stalked around silently and Christian had hemmed in his explosive emotions and simply sat in bed reading a book. It was now 8pm and his body ached, and his stomach growled indignantly at its lack of food.
"I've made you dinner," Syed said knowingly. "It's downstairs on the kitchen table."
Christian's stomach beat his pride.
"Thank you."
"And you can have it...after we talk." Syed said, sliding under the covers next to Christian. Christian noticed that even though he was sitting beside him, there was still a careful gap between their two bodies. Something that he wasn't used to.
"Well," Christian said eventually.
Syed looked straight ahead and twiddled his thumbs.
"We need to talk," he repeated. "About what you want,"
Christian stared at him.
"All I've ever wanted is you."
Syed shook his head. "No. All you ever wanted was me. There's a difference Christian. I've changed. And I don't think we should be together."
Christian stammered, "Is that you what you want?"
"It's what's best!" Syed snapped. "I don't deserve you. It's not right."
Christian held Syed's hand, who quickly pulled them away from him. "Don't!" Syed said, his voice red-hot.
Christian looked at him, hurt. "I love you," he insisted. "I love you no matter what. No matter how many times you turn away, pull away...I love you."
Syed's eyes watered. "Think about it Christian. Do you really want to be with somebody you can't touch, you can't hold, you can't love?" His voice wobbled but he continued. "I've tried so hard to be loved, Christian. But my father hates me. My mother turned away. I can no longer see Kamil. I looked after him while my parents drove each other away. I was like his father, and now...I'm nothing. He won't even remember me." He shook his head, the tears spilling onto their duvet. "I thought I had gotten it right with Amira. She was...she should've been perfect. But I ruined that too, like I ruin everything. Then there's you...oh, Christian." Syed regarded him with such sadness it made something within Christian hurt. "It's not fair on you. When I look at you, I feel sick. When you touch me...I want to cry. It's too much of a reminder of...him." Syed shuddered. "Do you understand? I don't want you to touch me because it disgusts me. It reminds me of what he did to me."
Finally, Christian understood.
"I...would never hurt you."
"I know. But I don't want to be touched, Christian. Not now, not ever. Not by you or anybody else. It was too humiliating. He laughed at me, he taunted me. His hands..." Syed squeezed his eyes shut. All Christian wanted to do was to end the pain, but he knew the only way that could happen would be if Syed were to open up and trust him again. "...they went everywhere. When you touch me now...I panic. I panic that there's no getting away. I feel low. I feel dirty. And I can't come back from that."
Christian bit his lip and looked away.
"I didn't know that's how you felt."
Syed nodded.
"It's okay. All I'm saying is – you need to reconsider. You need to think carefully about what's best for you. I'm unlovable, and you can't be with somebody you can't love."
"Don't you dare say that!" Christian said. "Don't you dare."
"It's true. And I don't want you to spend the rest of your life unhappy, knowing that you can't..." Syed lowered his voice. "You can't touch me. It would kill you,"
Christian shook his head. He yearned for physical contact, yes, but the emotional relationship he had with Syed meant so much more.
"You're wrong. If I can't...If I can't sleep with you anymore, Syed...then I'll live with that. I'm not just with you for sex, Sye. I'm here for you, day in, day out. If I can just be with you every day, talk with you every day...I'm happy, and I want you to be too."
"You mean that?"
"I mean that, Syed."
Syed collapsed against him in relief, sobbing loudly now.
"Don't leave me Christian." he gasped between the great sobs that racked his body. "Don't ever leave me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I don't know what I'd do if you..."
"Shh," Christian said soothingly, wanting to hug him but too afraid to. "I'm here for you."
I'm unlovable...
Christian stood and watched Syed as he stood in the kitchen, popping grapes into his mouth carelessly.
I'm unlovable...
How could he say such a thing? How? Last night they'd lain together, in bittersweet silence. And although everything wasn't perfect between them, it was definitely on its way to a mend.
The man needed a psychiatrist.
Of course, if Christian had to live without touching Syed, then he'd do it. Of course he would. But it was painful. It had only been two weeks and it hurt to see him and not be able to reach out. Syed was scared, but Christian couldn't fix it. A psychiatrist maybe?
But he knew how Syed felt about psychiatrists.
His meetings with Allen had proved fruitless, unsurprisingly. But Syed hated any person that tried to convince him of the opposite to what he thought. He didn't like accepting help anyway, preferring to be the one that did the helping.
I'm unlovable...
Those two words made Christian angry. How couldn't Syed see what they'd done to him? He walked slowly over to Syed.
"Morning, beautiful."
Syed blushed. "Morning, you."
I'm unlovable... The words reverberated in his head. Eager to prove him otherwise, Christian leant forward.
"I love you. I love you Syed, you know that." He bent his head forward and brought their lips together tenderly.
For a second, Syed was unresponsive. Then he kissed him back; Syed's bruised purple against Christian's velveted pink.
The weeks of no contact, the hours of simply standing back and watching, the arguing...it all led to this. Christian's mouth parted in sweet agony, and instantly, Syed's did the same.
He'd missed this. They both had. Christian's tongue slid over Syed's, caressing it gently. He'd missed how Syed felt, smelt, tasted.
Christian erection throbbed through his jeans and rubbed against Syed's leg.
Syed panicked and the memories came flooding. Suddenly, it felt as if Christian was harming him; his tongue forcing itself down his throat, his body pinning him down...
Syed pulled away, gasping for breath.
"Sye...?" Christian went to comfort him.
"No!" Syed said. "Just...leave me alone. Please."
Christian's eyes widened in horror as he realised what Syed had been thinking.
"I'm not him, Syed." He spoke softly.
Syed couldn't even look at him.
"Please." He said again.
Christian's lips thinned in anger. Turning on his heel, he left the kitchen, walked through the corridor and quickly out of the house.
"Christiaaan!" Roxy ran up to him, tottering on her heels. She'd bleached her hair an even lighter shade of blonde, Christian noticed, and was wearing a low cut top with a snugly fitting leather jacket over the top. Her curves were prominent in her hip hugging leggings, and she was made-up as always. Like a doll, Christian reflected. A pretty, drunken doll.
But he didn't need this. Not now.
"Not now, Roxy." He said.
Roxy made a face.
"Don't be so boring! What's up, hmm? You know what?" She slapped him lightly on his arm. "Don't worry about it. You and me will go out, have a drink or ten, get hammered...have a great time, eh? Come on – the night's on me!" she winked.
Silence. "Wow. Something's really happened if you're not up for a free drink." She slid in the bar beside him. "What's happened?"
Christian signalled for two beers, and when they arrived, downed the first one quickly.
"I moved too soon, too fast." He admitted.
"What?" Roxy asked, taking a sip of her beer. "But your new house is gorgeous, Christian!"
"No," Christian sighed. "With Syed."
Roxy made a face. "What do you mean? How is Syed doing, anyway?" Of course, Roxy knew about 'the incident.' The entire square knew. She lowered her voice, "Have you guys been going to that Supporter's Group?"
"That's just it, Rox. I thought we wouldn't need it – thought he only needed some rest. But he won't let me near him."
"You've got to give him time to get over it. It's a horrible thing to happen – to anybody! But he's got you. He'll make it through okay?" Roxy looked at him sympathetically. "And you know I'm always here for you."
"Yeah, course Rox." Christian nodded. "Thanks."
"No problem. Now...you still up for going partying?"
"I'm not sure I want to leave Sye alone..."
"You've got to give him some time...some space," Roxy said. "Smothering him isn't going to help any."
Christian contemplated. He thought of how the night could turn out; just a couple of drinks and a couple of friends having fun. Just a few cheeky flirtatious glances that meant nothing, the music, the taste of the alcohol as it seductively slid down his throat, the atmosphere...
"Okay, okay," Christian stood. "One drink."
Roxy linked arms with him.
"Or two."
"Or three," he laughed, as they strolled out of the pub into the darkened night.
So Christian's depressed because Syed doesn't really want him near him because he's too scarred by what happened. And he's gone out for a few drinks with Roxy.
Yeah. I see no problems with that... *looks shifty*
(If I didn't make it clear, Syed's having time off work having just been beaten up and sexually assaulted, and Christian's taking 'Compassionate Leave.')
So...
What do you think?
You know what? This story turned out so much longer than I thought it would be.
But.
I'm so glad it's been so well received, considering it's my first ever fanfiction.
What do you think of it?
Nikki xxx