A/N: I don't think I can truly find words for how amazing you all are! The response to last chapter was more than I could have ever hoped for and I'm relieved that I didn't drive more of you away. Just remember, things will be addressed very quickly so that all characters can heal and move on.
Thanks as always to Juliegirl18 who beta's the mess that I send, making my words pretty. Also, thanks to each and every one of you
One note about the timing: Some people were confused about the '7 weeks'. The way I established this was Bella's pregnancy happened before that last night to get around the possibility of Bella being administered an emergency contraceptive/Plan B pill while at the hospital. I am also not making the differentiation in when she actually conceived being another brutally physical experience or otherwise. The way I had set up her relationship with James was that he wasn't abusive ALL the time, which is why she was able to convince herself to stay for so long. It had just escalated exponentially at the end.
Please know, I seriously love you all! I hope length of this makes up for the time it took me to update :/
Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change,
taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next...
Delicious ambiguity...
~Gilda Radner
Edward
Voices. There were so many voice creating a cacophony of sound around me - both young and old, confused and angry.
Alice's voice, accusing, in between the pokes of her fingers. "What did you do, Edward? What the hell did you do to her?"
Elise's voice holding so much confusion as she asked and pleaded in the same breath. "Daddy, why did Miss Swan make Carlie leave? We were just playing. She didn't do anything wrong. Promise, Daddy."
My father's words straight forward and blunt, asking, "What happened just now?"
My Mum's words cutting through everything else, asking, "Is Bella okay, Edward? What happened? She seemed fine earlier. A bit nervous, but fine. I really hope she's okay..."
And so many more. Rose. Kate. Emmett. Jasper. Ty. Everyone. Everyone was talking and yelling and pleading, voicing their confusion and throwing their anger at me. I heard them all and none of them at the same time. There were words. Words, words, words, words, words; but words didn't answer the burning question left in the aftermath of the shit-storm that just tore through my world - why did I let Bella go?
My hands were tearing at my hair, grabbing fistfuls in frustration as I fought myself to answer the question that I was at a loss over and to ignore the voices, the words, around me. I couldn't handle it all at once. I just wanted it to be me and the emptiness of the woods swallowing the driveway in the distance. I just wanted to think.
I just wanted her back.
The feeling of Em's hand clapping against my shoulder was the only thing that pulled me from the personal hell that I was letting myself drown in. His hold was rough and hard, the strength in his grip not giving me a chance to run, even if I wanted to. "Let's talk, bro."
I followed Emmett like a lost puppy, too far gone in my own head to go anywhere but wherever he was leading me. The voices quieted as we left them behind, heading inside the house and up the well-worn stairs. The upper landing overlooked the living room and the wall of windows opening up to the backyard where everyone - well everyone left here - was talking in tense, tight little circles. I didn't have long to try to analyze the expressions on faces, though I already knew what they held, before Em was pulling me into his old bedroom. It wasn't until we both were sitting that he let go of my shoulder before running his now free palm over his face.
"Edward, I have no idea what went down between you two back there and you know I'm not allowed to tell you shit of what I do know, but hear me out anyways," he started, an almost tired edge to his words. "As your older brother, I'm entitled to that at least." I stayed silent, not trusting myself to speak, nor feeling I deserved the chance, and Em took that as his cue to continue.
"I'm talking as more than a doctor here. That girl that just blew out of here has been through hell, literally and figuratively. Her name never clicked in my mind, not until I saw her standing there today, all brilliant smiles and laughs, and I couldn't believe I was looking at the same woman I had met before. They were night and day from each other. And you know something? I think you changed her, but then you, you dumb ass," his voice rising as his wide hand knocked me upside the head - hard, "broke her again. You can't do that shit, Edward. Not to her."
I tried to defend myself, but only ended up looking like a fish gasping for air, my mouth opening and closing without sound. I hadn't thought; I just yelled and accused the one person that seemed to finally hang her heart on her sleeve around me of things that never should have ever crossed my mind. I always knew to tread lightly with her; Bella's eyes were always guarded, but spoke a hundred, silent truths of a pain I didn't understand. I was a monster, through and through.
Em interrupted my internal berating. "And before you say anything, I know this isn't easy for you either. Shit, I know you have your own skeletons in your closest, covered in dust and cobwebs because I've watched you push them so far away for five years. Five fucking years, bro. But it's time to face them for yourself, for Elise - for Bella. I know that and somewhere in that thick head of yours, you know it too. That is the reason is why I'm not letting you stick your head in the sand this time and pretend this will all go away. I'm not going to let you turn and walk away from that unless you have a bloody good reason. Believe it or not, you're good for her. And Bella, she's fucking good for you too.
"Do you know that I can't remember the last time I had seen you smile for no reason that didn't include Elise until a few weeks ago - until Bella? Or do you know how many times you brought her up in just one conversation we had? Just one? She brought parts of you back that I bet you never even had a clue had went missing." His words ended in a deafening silence, leaving me to stare at my hands and the frustrated balls they had become.
"So, are you going to tell me what the fuck happened?" The edge of his words softened some, but stung nonetheless against my rawness. I couldn't look at him, refusing to see whatever ashamed look Em was sure to be wearing. I didn't want to see how much I fucked up through someone else's eyes. I knew it well enough myself.
"She's pregnant." The words felt heavy on my tongue as I all but whispered them out. "Bella's pregnant, Emmett, and I'm a royal arse."
"I gathered that much, so tell me why?"
"Because I am!" I yelled, my frustration at myself and the situation getting the better of me. "I let her go! Or did you miss that, Em?" When the words were out, I glared at him as he just sat there, all calm and cool, when I felt like my blood was boiling and pounding heavy in my head.
Emmett barely reacted to my temper tantrum, instead keeping a level head that I was jealous of right then. That should be me. I've always been the calm one and now I was anything but. "Hey, chill. I'm not the enemy here. Just breathe and tell me an actual reason."
A guttural noise somewhere between a grumble and a grunt was the next sound to escape me, somehow trying to capture the utter frustration at myself, at the situation, and even at Em. It was so hard to find the words to explain it all. I had felt so many things - good and bad, happy and sad. However, if I was being truthful to myself there was really one emotion outweighing even the shock of Bella's words. "I was scared," I admitted for the first time, even to myself.
"I was scared about what that meant. Pregnant. How are you supposed to take that word when you know for a fact it isn't yours? That's not an easy thing to digest on the fly." There was more I wanted to say, but the words refused to come right then, instead jumbling into a mess on my tongue.
I watched Em nod from the corner of my eye, taking in my answer. "So you were scared?"
"Yeah. I mean, how else was I supposed to feel, especially after...after I finally buried everything with Elise and her mum?" I paused, finally convincing myself to look at my brother next to me. His face was somber and attentive, betraying nothing. "You said it yourself. I've been running from this for five years. I've spent five years letting this eat at me, and when something good - something great - finally comes my way, I fuck it up because I'm an insecure jerk." The last statement hung in the air, taunting me and pointing out all the ways to Sunday and back that I fucked up.
"But that's not all of it, is it?"
"No. I..." I stuttered out. "I was, um, scared for what it meant for us, Bella and I, you know? It was all so new and perfect and right. We were finally an us - we had a definition to the pull..." I paused, smiling for the first time through this whole fiasco, but it was quickly replaced with a bitter scowl. "But you see how well I protected that 'us'. I drove away the best thing to happen to me and Elise.
"Bloody hell, Em, I think I was falling in love with her and I pulled this stunt instead. It's a real 'I love you' gesture, isn't it?" I had to stop for a moment, realizing what I just admitted aloud. I hadn't even really defined it to myself - the unexplainable need to have her fill my very senses completely, just to know the day is right and good - and here I am, spouting off about loving Bella when I just pushed her away, as if she meant nothing. My voice was barely my own when I finished. "I fucked it all up." I know that for a fact.
"Yeah, you did. I won't lie," he stated bluntly and without fanfare. "The question is now, what are you going to do to fix this, little bro?"
My voice was still so small when I spoke again, reminding me that there are parts of me that are still very much a scared little boy. "I...I don't know." It felt like my life was falling apart at the seams, all the little ways I held the balance of my past and present disappearing - disintegrating into nothing. I let my head fall into my hands, not sure how to deal with any of it. I know Emmett was right. He was always bloody right. I needed to face five years of built up fear and frustration. I needed to face my daughter.
I needed to face myself.
"Sure you do. You get up off your arse for starters and find a hundred - hell, a thousand - ways to say what you fucked up saying back there. Not, 'I'm sorry.' Not, 'Are you okay?'. Not any other statement that brain of yours could come up with that demeans the situation. Try, 'I'm here', and explain your arse off from there," he finished, somehow mirroring Bella's words that still rung through my head.
I'm here.
I'm here to stay.
I want you.
I want all of you.
~.~
Bella
That first night, I was numb. I couldn't even convince my eyes to cry the tears that were still there, threatening to spill over hours later. They were locked, creating a painful tension behind my eyes and adding to the constant pound of my head from everything that crashed down over the last day.
Carlie kept questioning me, her little voice moving from wondering why we left without saying goodbye to asking why Momma was sad. I can't even remember how I answered her. All I know is that I wasn't sad. I wasn't mad. I wasn't anything of substance. I was overwhelmingly numb, straight to the center of my bones. I'm not even sure I was really there, instead just going through the motions of functioning.
I woke in the morning curled pathetically into the corner of the sofa, the light afghan my mom knitted draped haphazardly over my body. I must have pulled it over me in the early hours before I finally let everything drag me into a poor excuse for a night's sleep. It felt as if I hadn't slept at all, the tension still behind my eyes and heavy weights in my muscles from simply trying to hold myself together.
The living room was quiet, eerily so. The only sound was the ticking of the clock on the wall, almost thundering against the oppressive silence otherwise. I moved slightly, my arms untangling themselves from the tight hold they had around my chest that had held me together all night. I was almost afraid to let go - afraid that if I would, I would fall apart completely.
That thankfully didn't happen, my body managing to keep all the pieces of my being together. I felt the shifting of something against my wrist as my arm moved, pulling it up to my face. The bracelet. I had completely forgotten about it, already the smooth and light metal becoming an extension of my flesh. Bringing my arm up closer, I let the light coming through the blinds shine against the silver, illuminating the braille dots. Edward had said it was for luck, but I didn't feel any bit lucky in that moment.
I felt lost. I felt empty. I felt alone.
I still felt impossibly numb.
I continued to stare at the bracelet hanging delicately from my wrist, the dots seeming to have only one meaning. Except I knew differently. They would spell luck for someone without the joy of sight. But I could see. I could discern the varying shades of silver over the raised dots and I could see their pattern lying within the gently curved borders of the oval face.
But those simple little dots meant so much more than that. They symbolized the connection. Everything between Edward and I had been built in silence so far, the only thing ever certain was the grounding of touch, whether against a cheek or holding hands. We had just fallen into step next to each other, becoming a whole being to the world without words. We just...were.
Until we weren't.
My brain was a swirling mess and my Dr. Seuss thoughts weren't helping in the least. I didn't have it in me to worry over Edward and last night and everything else that had piled onto my plate. It was enough to make me sick and pull at the delicate balance of sanity I was still holding tight to.
As I moved to sit up, I managed to knock my cell phone off the sofa from under me, the thin plastic making a somehow thunderous thunk as it hit the carpet. I stared at the blinking light on the front that indicated a message, craning my neck to see but my body not allowing itself to actually get closer. The blink was steady - taunting me - and I felt utterly ridiculous.
Somewhere between the silence and the unnerving, steady rhythm of that blue light, I reached down to grab my phone with little more than a thought. Now that it was in my hand and not getting lost in the deep carpeting, I was finding it difficult to convince myself to look.
I stared and the light blinked.
The light blinked and I stared.
It was a vicious cycle that was quickly turning absurd.
Get it together, Bella, I chastised myself. My fingers pushed at the buttons to unlock the screen, a banner flashing the fact I had eleven missed calls and God knows how many texts that I managed to ignore. I must have never changed the ringer back from silent after leaving the doctors. Thank God for small favors.
I shouldn't be afraid of what that blinking light meant. In reality it was nothing more than a recorded message, recorded words that would mean little when not spoken in person. With that thought repeating in my head I pressed the '1', dialing my voicemail and pressing the phone gingerly to my ear before I lost my nerve.
"ISABELLA MARIE SWAN! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? Edward won't tell us anything. Call me, Bellie!" Alice's voice screeched through the phone, sounding panicked and making me pull the offending device away. The greater part of my consciousness was relieved it was Ali yelling at me through the phone, but there was that small part - that part I wished I could ignore - that felt defeated and deflated that it wasn't Edward's voice asking me to turn around. He still had let me go.
Pressing the code to delete the message and hear the next, I continued on, not dwelling on the anger and anguish battling to slowly fill me up again.
"Bella, Edward just left and I still haven't heard from you. Call me! I mean it."
Delete.
"Where did you go? The only reason I'm not tailing your ass back to your house is because I'm trying my best to give you actual space. Just let me know you're home. Please. I'm worried, B."
Delete.
"Why won't you pick up, Bella? I just want to know you're okay. Jasper and I are leaving now - you've had enough alone time. I'm stopping over. Don't even think about arguing with me."
Delete.
"ANSWER YOUR GOD DAMN DOOR! I know you're here. I can see your car in the garage. You know I'd be opening this door right now if I hadn't forgot my keys at home! I'm standing out here on the porch. Ringing the bell now... Bella? Where the hell are you? Just...just please open the door, Bella. Please..."
Delete. I kept listening and deleting until the last message echoed in my ear.
"Bella, it's Mom. Alice called here in a panic before dawn trying to convince your Daddy and I to find a way to get you to listen. Now I've calmed down your Daddy enough to keep him from driving cross-country to get you to open your door and to get answers from that man in person. Why didn't you tell us you were seeing someone, sweetie? Well, I mean, that's another topic for another day, but you could have told us. Just, call your sister, please. And call us. We don't hear from you and Carlie near enough. Love you, baby girl."
The line went dead in my ear until my phone continued to repeat the menu options of deleting or saving. I pressed the number five, listening to the message again. I listened over and over, suddenly feeling like a scared little girl in need of the comfort only her mother could give and of the monster-fighting abilities only her father could possess. A girl was never too old for her mommy...or her daddy.
None of them were from Edward. Not one. After all the messages, there was part of me that was relieved to not have to deal with Edward right now, but I know that there was an even larger part of me hoping that I'd hear his voice saying something, saying anything. I wasn't quite sure how to take the fact that he hadn't been one of those eleven calls.
Was I really that easy to let go of?
That thought was a hard one to digest, turning and twisting my stomach into knots. You will not dwell on this Bella, I told myself. I kept repeating those words until I almost believed them. Almost.
The quietness of the living room was quickly becoming oppressive the longer I sat there with only my mess of thoughts to keep me company. I had to get up. I had to move. I had to not be in my head anymore.
My muscles cooperated slowly at best as I moved my body off the sofa to stand. My knees shook slightly, having to support the heavy, leaden weight of my body after resting useless and tired for so long. I set my cell phone back on the arm rest of the sofa and made my way towards the kitchen.
I grabbed a glass down from the cupboard, filling it with water and popping my daily vitamins. Swallowing thickly, I managed to get the pills down, not that the intrusion to my stomach made the mess of knots feel any better. In reality, my stomach was swimming and twisting from probably more than stress. I don't remember eating last night, even after making mac and cheese and chicken for Carlie. I'm fairly certain food sounded just as revolting then as it did now.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I needed to get out of the kitchen and put my mind on something else. I was not ready to christen my toilet here, especially after yesterday. Swallowing back the knot that had moved its way into my throat, I grabbed the phone off the counter and dialed the familiar number.
"Good morning," my mother's bright voice filtered through the phone, wrapping around me in a comforting warmth. I needed this. I needed her.
However, I quickly found that my voice was stilled in my throat and I could only listen. "Hello?"
"H-hey, mom," I finally managed out. It was...nice...to hear her voice again and just like the message on the phone, it felt like things just might be okay. At least for now because my mom was there, even fifteen-hundred miles away.
"Bella! Sweetie, are you alright? What has been going on? Alice was beside herself this morning." My mother spoke fast, her words rushing out at an agitated speed.
I ran my fingers absently through my hair, tugging at the ends. There is the easy answer to her question and then there is the hard, messy one that I didn't want to have to confront. On one hand, I was alright - for the moment. I was breathing and I was functioning. However, I wasn't at all alright. I was confused and lost, not sure which way was up and down. Which way was left and which was right. Edward had turned my world completely on end after it was barely hanging in the balance, and I didn't know how to bring it back into focus.
I couldn't find one solid answer to give my mother. Taking a deep, steadying breath, I deflected as best I could by saying, "Mom, not right now. I'll tell you everything later when I actually understand, but I...I just can't now." That was a truth I fully knew.
"But..." she started to say, but quickly cut off her own words. One of the best things about my mom was that she honestly knew when was enough. She pushed and prodded with the best as only a mother could, and yet she knew - she could hear it in a voice or see it on a face - when time had to work its magic first.
I needed time almost as much as I needed a handful of answers.
"Alright, baby girl. Just remember I'm here when you're ready. I just want to know you're okay. Are you?" Her voice so hushed at the end, as if she were afraid to ask. Or afraid of the answer.
I closed my eyes, seeing her clearly in my mind. Her gray eyes, much the same as Alice's in their pure intensity, were warm - comforting as always. Her face was round, wearing a smile that made the world seem alright and laugh lines that she had earned living, laughing and loving. I saw her hands, the same delicate hands that had held me after waking from a nightmare as a child and that had comforted me after my first adolescent heartbreak. "I will be," I finally answered, actually believing that a possibility.
"Promise?"
I smiled slightly at my mom's insistence. "Yeah, I promise. Hey, do you want to talk to Carlie? I'm sure she has a story or eight to tell," I laughed lightly, but knowing full-well I was honestly trying to pawn the phone off to my daughter so I didn't have to dodge anymore questions. I wanted my mom to know everything, but I still barely had an answer of my own.
This was also a chance to check in on my daughter. She had been quiet all morning, but that wasn't too far from the norm. She was actually a child that liked to sleep in on the weekends unless there were plans for the day that she was excited over. That was a different story all together. I can't even count the times I was pounced on before dawn by a 35-pound bundle of energy.
"Of course I want to talk to my grandbaby! Hand the phone over," she demanded in a playful tone. I could hear the smile in her voice and it was a welcome reprieve from the worry that had come before.
"Hang on, mom," I mumbled out lightly, looking over at the clock as I walked into the living room. "I have to see if she's awake." I made my way silently down the hall, pausing in front of the ajar door to listen before pushing it fully open.
Carlie was curled on her side, her curls sticking flat to her cheek. She was clutching Addy in one hand with the other tucked around her nose. Carlie had never been one to suck her thumb, but she had an adorable habit of curling her fingers over her nose and pressing the back of her thumb against her lip as if she were. I took a moment just to watch her sleep, pausing to think if I should really wake her up. It would be easy enough to tell my mom that we'd call her back.
However, it had been awhile since I had called my parents and even longer since Carlie had talked to them. We had simply fallen into a rhythm here and hadn't taken the chance to break that. I promised myself I would fix that, toying with the idea of a weekly phone date for all of us as I bent down, running my fingers over her cheek.
"Carlie," I said softly. "Carlie, wake up, baby." Her little body squirmed under the covers, burying her face farther into the pillow. I let out a small laugh as my hands rubbed down her back, bending forward farther still to kiss the warmth of her cheek. "Time to get up, Sleeping Beauty. Nonna wants to talk to you."
Carlie let out a soft grunt, opening her eyes and blinking furiously to remove the sleep from them, her small fist trying to help as well. "Momma?"
Moving my hand from her back, I ran my fingers through her hair, taking in Carlie's bewildered and still very sleepy expression. "Nonna is on the phone. Do you want to talk to her?"
With that, almost all traces of sleep erased themselves from her features as she sat up quickly in bed, holding her hands eagerly out. "Yes!"
"Alright, let me just say goodbye first," I said, smiling at Carlie's simple yet infectious excitement, her hands still extended, impatiently hanging in the air. I put the phone back to my ear. "I think Carlie is giving you a run for your money on who's more happy to talk." I had to laugh, shaking my head slightly and listening to my mother's bright laughter coming through the phone. "I love you, mom. Tell daddy I love him too."
"Love you too, baby girl. Remember to call when you're ready." I found myself nodding in ascent, even though she couldn't see the action through the phone line. I would tell her, just not right now. I had to get a grip on it all first myself.
I reached out, holding the phone for Carlie who grabbed it quickly with a high squeak of joy. It was so easy to make her smile, the simplest things making her look as if you handed over the world and not just a telephone. "Nonna!" she squealed, her voice so high that it pierced the otherwise relative silence of our house. "Where's Papa?"
I let a tired smile escape as I watched my daughter. She was so alive. Even after everything, Carlie was here with smiles and laughter, adapting and letting life take her where it will. I don't even remember the last time she brought up James. She seemed to forget so easily the bumps in the road, instead eating up the life she had in front of her. I was simultaneously jealous of that ability and grateful that she had it. It gave me a little less to worry about.
Quietly, I pulled myself away from Carlie's door, letting her have her time with my parents. Each step became heavier than the last the farther I moved down the hall. Carlie offered a beautiful and loving distraction from everything, and leaving her behind let my unanswered thoughts resurface and suffocate me. Standing back there, I realized I still had to find answers for Alice and I couldn't hide from her or myself forever. I walked toward the kitchen, grabbing my cell off the sofa arm on my way through the living room and pressing Alice's speed dial. I needed to hear her voice.
I barely had to wait through two rings. "Bella? How are you? Are you okay? WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU ANSWER MY CALLS YESTERDAY?" Ali's voice steadily grew in intensity, quickly bypassing the quiet, surprised concern.
I honestly didn't know how to answer her, just like I hadn't known how to answer my mom. I didn't rightly know how I was and I sure as hell still wasn't 'okay'. The easiest answer to her last accusatory question was that I never heard my phone, but in reality, even if it had been on, I wouldn't have picked it up to talk to her anyway. Settling for the easiest but most loaded answer, I whispered, "Ali, I need you," into the phone, letting my insecurities show.
There was the slightest of pauses before her words were wrapping around me, a security blanket of sorts - or at least a familiar comfort that I held to. "Of course, sweetie." Her voice faded into a dull, muffled buzz as she said something to Jasper in the background, his deep tenor oddly melodic. It was something I had noticed - the low, smooth pitch of his voice - but never really paid attention to. I never had a reason to until now, when I was trying to find anything else to concentrate on other than everything that was flying its way through my head. "I'll be over as soon as I can. Probably thirty minutes. Do you need me to pick anything up?"
"No, just you."
"Okay, well I'll be there soon. Love you, B."
"You too, Ali." The line went dead in my ear, but I held my phone resolutely there until the automated voice told me to hang up if I would like to make a call. I realized I had little time to wrap my mind around anything before my sister got here and I would have to spill about the last 24 hours of my life. Where do I even start?
Hey, Ali. I'm preggers with the bastard's kid. So glad you could make it. Want some ice cream?
I didn't see that one cushioning the news too well. Or how about...
Sorry I ran out, sis. I just lost my lunch and temper and almost my sanity locked in a bathroom with Edward because I spilled the beans. What beans, you may ask? I got a bun in the oven, sis, and it's not the piano man's, if you catch my drift.
I'm fairly certain that last one would give my little sister a coronary. There really wasn't anything I could say that would make the words flow easier and I hated that.
I also found that I couldn't stay still for too long or my mind would fully take charge and run rampant through the haze. So I walked yet again from the kitchen, choosing to wallow away the last few minutes of my time before the whirlwind that was Ali would arrive to ask questions upon questions. I went to find a distraction. I went looking for my daughter.
She was right where I left her, chattering away on the phone to my parents as she laid buried under her covers. I stood in the doorway and simply watched, allowing myself to smile at the sight of my baby all smiles and sweet giggles. She deserved that ease. Her little hands were waving in the air as she spoke, talking about our recent trip to the zoo before she quickly changed topics to her piano lessons.
Hearing her talk about Edward and her lessons felt like another weight dumped itself in my stomach, making it sink to my toes. I'm quite positive I couldn't face him right now and maintain any form of composure if I tried. I was still so angry, hurt and damn confused over everything, but at the same time, I couldn't let Carlie suffer simply because my life plunged itself down the toilet. I had to put on the smile and face the music, getting by for the one thing that matters the world to my little girl.
I stayed standing in the doorway, not hearing anymore of Carlie's conversation with my parents as I fought to grab onto one thought in my head. It was simply a spinning mess of Edward and pianos and hand holding and kisses and yelling. "Momma?"
Carlie's voice forced my racing brain to a staggering halt. She was standing in front of me, hair rumpled and clutching the phone to her chest. "Momma, what's wrong?"
I was ready to tell her that nothing was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to flat-out lie. Carlie deserved more than that after the emotional rollercoaster I've stuck her on over the past weeks, from being ripped from 'home' in the middle of the night to actually having some semblance of normality put back into her life, with friendship and love. She had been a trooper through it all, adapting and taking to heart anything I told her.
Instead, I knelt down in front of Carlie and told her the 'truth' as best I could right then. "Don't worry about me, baby. I'll be fine." I paused a moment, putting words together in my head and kissing her forehead gently. "I have to ask you a favor though."
"Wha, Momma?"
"Auntie Alice is coming over soon and I need to talk to her. Okay?" Carlie nodded quickly, never taking her eyes from my face. I couldn't do anything besides laugh lightly. Sometimes it felt like that little girl took everything I said as the gospel truth. At least, in this instance, I needed her to listen me. I couldn't explain any of this situation to her, or anyone else, until I had a handle on it myself. "Good. Can you to stay in here though and play? Can you do that for me?" She nodded quickly again, curls bouncing against her head in a tangled mess. My hand reach out, running gently through her hair and untangling knots until it flowed through my fingers with ease. I savored the simple feeling.
"If you need me though, I'll be in the living room."
Carlie looked up at me with wide, green eyes that were so completely innocent. I wished I could see the world the way she saw it. It had to be some special place through those eyes to always look around with such wonder.
She continued to stare until the corners of her lips pulled up into a small smile, her lower lip tucked between her teeth, as she lifted her hand up and placed it against my cheek. I leaned my head into the delicate touch, a subtle heat radiating from her tiny palm and savoring it for all it was worth. Moments like this made all the rough patches worth every tear and frustration. A child had ways to put you back together with the simplest actions that they often never realized the magnitude of. They were the healers in this broken world.
My fingers ran through her hair again at a slow pace, soothing my worn nerves. "I love you, baby," I whispered, kissing her forehead again. "I really do."
"Loves you too, Momma," she cooed back, eyes shining happily.
With Carlie's hand still pressed against my cheek, I hugged her tightly one more time and stood, my knees giving a subtle crack as they protested the action. "Be good," I said finally, finishing with a playful wink that was returned with sweet laughter. I had barely backed out of the door way before Carlie had plopped herself on the floor, pulling out several of her Barbies.
My feet led me without thought back down the hallway and into the kitchen, where I set down the phone with an unceremonious thud. With each step that it had taken to get here from Carlie's room, the more I lost the easy distraction that my daughter gave me yet again. She truly gave me something more to focus on - something simple and carefree. Here, in the kitchen, I was alone with my thoughts, many of which I didn't have the energy to face. This was going to be a long day. I was sure of that.
My arms were braced against the cool counter top when I heard the front door open and shut. I would have worried more if I didn't know that Alice was the only other person to have a key.
"Bella?" her voice rang down the hall. "Bella, where are you?" I could hear Alice's bare feet padding against the hardwood floor as she moved closer to where I stood. She must have taken off her shoes at the door, I noted absently.
"Kitchen," I called, barely louder than if she were standing here with me, but I knew she heard me by the steady sound of her steps closing in. In a few short moments, my sister rounded herself through the archway and I couldn't help the laugh that came sputtering out from my chest.
Alice stood there, not only holding a squirming little Elli, but with a bright red headband stuck in her already short hair and barely taming the directions it was sticking, wearing cut-off grey sweats and Jasper's old Texas A&M sweatshirt, a clear grocery bag in hand holding sweet, creamy salvation. She honestly looked like she just rolled out of bed, which so wasn't Alice but completely the Ali I needed. "What?" she asked, pausing in the door with a confused look coloring her face .
I tried to stifle my remaining giggles, shaking my head in hopes it would help. "Nothing..."
"I come bearing gifts, B," she started instead, brushing off my mood swing as she made her way into the kitchen, plopping the bag loudly on the counter next to me. "You're lucky I love you." Ali stared me down with her steely grey-blue eyes, handing Elli over silently, although I could see the faint pulls at her lips of a smile she valiantly fought.
I took her without question, letting the excited puppy give me all the puppy kisses she could muster, before setting her down to go find Carlie. Elli disappeared out the archway and down the hall within moments, her sharp nails clicking against the floor as she tried to find traction. "Thanks, Ali," I said quietly, finally looking at my sister again.
"Bells," she whispered, probably taking in the lines of defeat I'm sure were all over my face as she wrapped her arms tightly around me. "Bells, what the hell happened? I've never seen you like that. It was like...like you were so detached - like you weren't even in your own head. I was so worried." She held me tighter than I could ever remember her holding me before. Ali was a powerhouse in a petite frame. Her hold was pure comfort though. I needed it. I craved it. It was keeping my mind on task instead of letting it fall apart along with everything else. When she finally loosened her arms, her hands cupped themselves around my shoulders as she watched me with worry. "Talk to me. Please."
With a small smile, I grabbed a pint of Half Baked and held it up. "Can we conquer something a little easier first?"
"Whatever you need, sweetie," Ali responded with a bright and somewhat relieved smile before reaching for the bowls in the cupboard next to her.
"Leave them."
"What?"
I shook my head, small smile still comfortably in place. "Just grab the spoons."
I made my way back into the living room, taking up my corner of the sofa again as I pulled my legs up under me and peeled the ice cream lid off. Alice followed just behind, curling up into the other corner in a similar fashion as she passed me the other spoon in her grasp. I dug my spoon in, holding the carton between us and let the creamy, sweet cool melt against my tongue. Closing my eyes, I enjoyed the feeling and taste of my ultimate comfort food.
"I'm pregnant," I whispered out of nowhere after a Ali and I decimated half of the carton of ice cream goodness. Digging my spoon in, I thought idly that I wasn't very good at cushioning news like this. I liked the band-aid approach - rip it fast and wait for the inevitable sting to burn through you. But I was letting myself go numb, too tired to be angry and sad all at once. It was easier to be detached right now.
I almost would have thought the ensuing silence was suffocating, if I hadn't already been expecting it. Instead of letting it bother me, I gathered more ice cream on my spoon, making sure to get a good helping of the cookie dough bits and leaving as much of the brownie as I could for Ali.
After a drawn out pause that I filled with eating more than my share of ice cream, Alice finally found her voice. "Like pregnant, pregnant?" she whispered, disbelief coloring her tone.
"Is there any other kind?" I scoffed.
"Well...no, but..." She brought a shaking spoon up to the remaining ice cream, digging some out and eating it slowly, as if she were contemplating the very action. "Wow," was all Ali managed to finish with.
"Yup." The statement was dismissive, giving away none of my my inner turmoil.
"And it's not..."
"Nope." Nope, it's not Edward's. That would make this all too simple.
"Fuck, Bells." She exhaled deeply, shaking her head as if that would make this make any sense. "What are you going to do now?"
"What choice do I have?" I responded honestly.
"You actually have a lot." Alice refused to look me in the eyes as she whispered her words. Her hands fumbled in her lap, picking at invisible bits of lint on her sweats. She knew my stand. Part of me wanted to be mad that she would even hint at it, but I knew she was just trying to look after me.
"No, I have no choice. There is only one answer that I could live with myself afterwards for choosing." I was angry at James for everything he did and everything that he took from my life and from Carlie's. If I were honest, I was livid. He took years away from my life because I didn't want to see it. But I wasn't going to let him take any more.
"And despite that, this baby is a part of me as much as it is a part of James. Just the same as Carlie. She has his hair, Ali, and she has his magnetic nature that lights up a room. I love her for that. I love her unconditionally for every quirk, dimple and curl."
Closing my eyes, I pictured Carlie. Her smile. Her eyes. Her sweet curls. I heard her laugh in my head and the little noises she made when she was determined to do something herself. I saw the best parts of myself...and of James. Take those parts away, and she wouldn't be the little girl I would move the world for.
I reached for Alice's hands, trying to calm their fidgeting, before I spoke again. "You know, for everything he took from me, he still gave me a few things that I will never regret." That was that - my resolve, my reasoning. I made my decision about how I would live this part of my life out, not because I had to but because I had a life worth living more than what I was leaving behind. It wasn't anywhere near a perfect situation, but it was what I had and I would make it mean something for myself and for my family.
In that moment, I could breathe.
Ali's eyes were soft as they watched me, finally an understanding settling in their gray flecks. "Yeah, I guess he did," she said, squeezing my fingers in her own.
"Hang on a sec." She paused, lifting herself off the couch in one fluid motion before disappearing out of the living room. I barely had time to wonder what corners of my house she ran off to before Alice was taking up her position next to me again, another pint of Ben & Jerry's in hand. "So what happened with Edward?"
This was where things got interesting, and all those thoughts and emotions that I let go comfortably numb since I woke up that morning started burning against me as my memory worked overtime. I felt like I was being consumed by chaos. It was almost too much. I had made my amends with one portion of my life, but this was a whole other one that I didn't know how to face.
I knew what happened, but at the same time I was clueless. I could replay every moment of the confessions and the assumptions and the yelling in that cold, mocking bathroom. I could replay every moment of Edward's steps following me, but never catching me - never stopping me. And that's where I found myself at a loss. "Ali...I don't even know that Edward. He was just so..." but I stopped before I could finish that thought, instead digging into the ice cream yet again, searching out the peanut butter pretzels inside. Chubby Hubby. Ali really pulled out the big guns for this.
"So what, B? What did he say? What did he do?" she asked, eyeing me cautiously before taking another bite herself.
I pressed my eyes closed tightly, putting myself back in that bathroom, and proceeded to let everything tumble from my lips. I talked much longer than I could have ever anticipated, telling Alice every little detail from getting sick to letting the pregnancy bomb slip through my lips, from Edward's shock to his anger. I left nothing out because I needed someone else to know it all so maybe they could make it all make sense. I spilled it all and Alice, God love her, listened as if it were her only job in life. She held my hand with her free one, lending me her strength again just as she had the night my old life fell apart.
When I finally finished, her question was simply stated, but no where near simply answered. "What are you going to do now?"
That was the question of a lifetime. One that I wasn't sure would have a solid answer for, even if the circumstances had been different. When all was said and done, I knew what I wanted if I were being painfully honest with myself, but I didn't know if that someone wanted me. After talking to Alice, I realized that Edward had found a place inside of me to stay and even this hadn't pushed him out, locking up the battered pieces of my heart to save for later. My heart left him right where I found him and I had no clue how to deal with that. More importantly, I had no clue how or when I got to that point.
But I was. Edward held a part of me I didn't even realize I had given up so completely. "I'm not sure yet," I finished, worn out.
We were quiet for some time after that, the only sound still being the rhythmic 'tick' of the old clock on the wall. I couldn't stand it anymore. "What are you thinking, Ali?"
"That I love you for one," she said softly, closing the short distance between us on the sofa until her arms were around me. "And that you are stronger and braver than I could ever hope to be." Alice's words were hushed as she spoke into my hair, holding me close.
The only thing was, I didn't feel strong. I felt resolved, if that was the right word, about my present and future, but strong? "I don't think strong is the right word."
Alice simply shook her head against my shoulder, taking in a low, deep breath. "Sure it is, B. You picked your path through this. That alone takes a lot more guts than I have. I mean..." she stopped, shaking her head yet again and never actually finishing that thought. "And you want to know something else?"
I shrugged in silent response, not sure where Alice may take this and too worn to really give much thought to the matter. She pulled back, untangling her arms from around me until her hands were firmly holding my head. I had no choice but to look at her as she spoke. "This baby," she said with a soft smile, "he or she will be perfect and will be loved by a lot of people. It will be a part of you and you will love it all the same. It will be my niece or nephew and I will love it just as much as I love Carlie. Same with Jasper. Same with mom and dad. This baby will be so incredibly loved, no matter what."
Ali's words hit something deep inside me and I felt all the tears slowly fall down my cheeks that I hadn't been able to cry. She reinforced my hope, so simply, that my decision would turn out right. "See? You are so strong, sweetie. I need you to know one last thing though," she hedged, her eyes searching mine.
"I'm pissed at Edward. I won't lie and pretend I'm not. What he did - that doesn't float with me." Ali's eyes darkened as she spoke. She took a moment to swipe her thumbs at the trickle of tears, taking in a slow breath and smiling a small smile back at me again. "But...you still care about him. I can see it in your eyes and I can hear it in your voice even now. You should have been jaded after everything that happened with James and yet, Edward somehow found his way into your heart, changing you as he did. I'll admit, I've seen it. I've seen you smile and laugh. I've seen you be okay with life again, more quickly than I could have ever hoped and prayed for. That alone has to mean something greater, B."
My tears continued to fall slowly, releasing anything and everything that I had worried over and Ali's thumbs continued to brush them away. Her voice was soft when she started speaking again. "Remember what you told me when Jasper and I had our first big fight after we moved in together, and I drove all the way down to Chicago to get away - to see you?" I nodded slowly, remembering that day vividly. You never forget those times where someone you love with your whole heart is sobbing on your doorstep as if they lost their gravity. I never want to see my sister that hurt again. "You quoted something and it stuck with me. You said, 'Some things fall apart so better things can fall together.' And remember that when I went back home, Jasper proposed, telling me life meant little without having me to both bicker with and to love unconditionally. He wanted me for both the good and the bad."
Nodding again, I watched her face and the smile playing over her lips as she remembered for herself. "Our 'better things' were coming back stronger than how we left. So now it's my turn to repeat them back to you and tell you to take those little words to heart. Just promise me something?"
"What?" I asked softly, my voice hoarse and quiet from my silence.
"Take care of yourself, Carlie and this baby first. Everything with Edward will fall right where it should, if and when it is meant to." Alice kissed my cheek quickly before finishing. "Live for you first, sweetie."
~.~
Shortly after Alice and I had finished talking about the mess of my present and future, I had taken a moment to collect my thoughts and file my revelations away in my heart and in my head. Somewhere between the shock, the pain and the numbness, I came to terms.
I knew I had shocked the hell out of Edward last night. Rightly so. The words had rushed from my mouth without fanfare or even anything that would cushion the blow. Realizing that, I couldn't blame him entirely for his reaction anymore, but I couldn't help hating the fact that I didn't know that Edward.
But he had sides and he had secrets, just as I did, both of which facts I had to accept. It was just easier said than done. I honestly had no clue how I had found myself letting my guard down so quickly, but there was something about Edward that pulled my walls down, brick by brick, until I was bare.
I would let time work as it would though, understanding the significance of Alice's words. I had to live for me and my family first, letting life take us all where it will. Everything would fall into place from there. I just needed time.
We spent the rest of the day lounging around the living room, watching movies and gorging ourselves on the rest of the ice cream that had once inhabited my freezer along with the stockpile Ali had brought with her. For all the heaviness of the last day, this was a comforting reprieve. I had Carlie curled in my lap, my fingers running through her hair for her comfort as much as my own. Alice rested against my other side, allowing me to rest my head on her shoulder. Elli was even curled up on the floor against the sofa. It was the four of us, and in that moment, that was all I needed.
~.~
Edward
Elise was curled tightly against my side, snuggled deep against her pillows. Her bed was so tiny that my legs draped over the end, but I couldn't imagine any place I'd rather be in this exact moment. I had tried to find the words all afternoon that would finally tell her the whole truth of her mother, but I came up short each and every time. Who knew utter honesty was so hard to grasp buried under years of scars and excuses? Instead, I held her close and simply loved my daughter because she was the center of my world. She always had been since the day she came into it.
I was just making more room.
In all the words that I couldn't find to talk to Elise, I had found enough silent ones for myself. I came to finally accept what I had already known - Bella truly meant a great deal more to me than I had ever let on. She meant another reason that I wanted to face the day each morning. She meant a stunning woman and her beautiful little girl that made my life seem finally complete. She meant a promise of an actual future - one filled with love and laughter and fulfilled dreams.
She meant the spark that ignited a fire that ran rampant through my veins, consuming me. The spark I had waited all my thirty-one years for.