Sorry about the lateness; I've had a literal mountain of schoolwork to go through before I could write this chapter. But enough bitching from me; this story is for the enjoyment of you, the reader. So enjoy! Then Navi won't have to get dicey (especially since she gets something new in this chapter. Navi with a new toy. FUN!). Also, longest chapter in a WHILE! Edit: by a grand total of 200 words. God, I'm awesome. By the way, I forgot to add this in the original post: happy Halloween all! If you see someone in a gray hoodie dressed as Jason Voorhees, that's probably me!
Kasuto and Link walked into the Temple of Time, while carrying some cotton candy, to see Navi tapping her foot on midair.
"Are you two done at the carnival yet?" she hissed. "I'm only getting older here!"
"Whatever," stated Link passively, waving her off.
Navi jabbed her thumb over her shoulder, at the monument at the back of the hall. "Put the goddamn Spiritual Stones in there and let's go!"
"Sure, lemme just throw my cotton candy out," replied Link. He took the last bite out of his candy and threw the trash over his shoulder, out the door. It landed on Ganondorf, who had followed the group into the temple. Kasuto shrugged and threw the rest of his candy over his shoulder as well. It also landed on Ganondorf.
Ganondorf stood there silently, taking it like the man he was.
Navi rubbed her chin as she examined the pedestal in front of her. "…I think you're supposed to put the Stones here, here, and here," she stated, gesturing to each of the slots in turn.
"Yay! I get to stick my thingy into a hole!" cheered Link. Navi glared at him.
"Not funny. Not at all."
"Well, excuuuse me, princess!"
Navi huffed angrily. "Just put the stones in the holes before I do something painful, that no lame references to lame 80's cartoons will save you from!"
"You know," the author remarked as Link slotted the Goron's Ruby in place, "you've really lost the quality threats recently. Just saying."
"Shut up," Navi growled in response. "Or I'll throw you into a cage of sex-crazed Stalfos."
The author gulped. "Nevermind, you're good."
Navi grinned evilly. "I know."
As Kasuto stuck the Zora's Sapphire into its slot, the wall in front of them slid down, revealing a room behind it. The group looked around in awe as they walked in.
"You know," Kasuto said out of nowhere, "this room just screams 'trap!' to me."
Ghoma, King Dodongo, and Barinade whistled innocently from their hiding place in the shadows.
"What makes you think that?" asked Navi innocently.
"The whistling that's coming out of nowhere, the creepy music…"
Navi gestured at Ghoma, who turned off the record player that the creepy organ music was coming from, returning the room to its normal theme of music.
"Okay, nevermind, let's go!"
The group walked to the middle of the room, where a pedestal stood bearing three items, along with a creepy old guy wearing an orange robe.
"…Who're you and why're you here?" asked Navi with a raised eyebrow.
"I am that priest dude who gives you awesome items for free because they're taking up space and they're made of cheap breakable Chinese plastic.
"For you, Link, the Master Sword; the blade of evil's bane; the ultimate lockpick; the world's best car-tire-deflator.
"For you, Kasuto, the Clock Sword; the Sword of Time; the ultimate time machine; the number-one steroid; the ultimate nosepicker.
And for you, Navi, the Omega Trigger; the ultimate weapon –"
The old man had to run for his life when the group ran forward and grabbed the stuff off of the Pedestal of Time.
"Awesome!" cried Kasuto as he activated the Clock Sword and nothing seemed to happen. But then –
"EW! SOMEONE JUST PICKED MY NOSE!"
"So, now that the three of us have pretty much infinite power, what do you two wanna do?" asked Navi as they went outside.
"I want to –"
Link was cut off as a man wearing a green floppy hat and dress, a red-haired guy in a pants suit, and a manly fairy with a beard appeared behind them, knocked them all out, and dragged them into a glowing portal: the Sacred Realm. Insert suitably epic music here.
SEVEN YEARS LATER…
"Ow… What hit me…?" Link sat up. "Where the hell am I? Navi? Kasuto? Narrator-guy?"
"WHO DARES ENTER MY REALM?" yelled a mysterious voice.
"Wah! Where's that voice coming from?"
Navi sighed. "Link, you're looking the wrong way."
"Now it's all dark and bluey!"
"That's because you're looking at the floor." Navi sighed and turned to the person next to her. "Whaddaya want? I've got a new world to conquer."
"Link's still waking up," said the mysterious old man who gave them their stuff.
"Hey, what's down theeeeeeeeeeeeeere…" Link's scream was cut off as he respanwed next to the three on the pillar. "Cool! I wanna do that again!" He jumped off the edge of the platform again. And respawned next to Kasuto. "That was fun!"
And they both jumped in, giggling like idiots.
"Now will you admit he's a drooling retard?" asked Navi.
"Yeah, but he's smarter than he was before!" the old man replied.
"Actually, I think he's gotten stupider. Both of them."
They turned to look at Link and Kasuto, who were having a contest to see who would respawn last after jumping off the platform.
"Doesn't respawning that much hurt?" the old man asked. Navi's response was a shrug.
"It's a game mechanic thing."
AN HOUR LATER…
"Aren't they bored yet?"
"Nope, they can go on for days if you let them."
ANOTHER HOUR LATER…
"Alright boys, time to go!" Navi called sweetly.
"Awww," groaned Kasuto. "Five more minutes?"
"Actually die and you can have ten."
"Sweet!"
"…minutes in the afterlife before I commit suicide and EVISCERATE YOUR SOULS!"
"…Mommy…"
"You three must use the weapons I have given you for good, because good is the only thing life's worth living for! That and raping defenseless little kids." Rauru nodded to himself as he spoke. "Raping little kids is fun. Remember kids, always listen to the creepy old man in the orange dress."
The group sweatdropped.
"Now, you must promise me you will never use them against the defenseless again! …Please?"
"…" No one answered him.
"I'll give you this picture if you don't attack random people for the rest of your – what?" Rauru looked at his hand, where the picture was gone. "I knew I shouldn't have given them the Clock Sword."
"Spill it, Kasuto, what's the picture!" Navi demanded.
Kasuto was staring at the picture in shock.
"…Kasuto?"
He gave a start. "Huh? What?"
"Hand it over."
Kasuto began sweating nervously.
"Um… It's kind of boring…"
"Give it or die."
"Um…"
"Die."
"No, wait! Take it!" Kasuto threw the picture…and Navi missed it as it blew away in the wind. "NOOOO!"
"Alright, what was on it?"
Kasuto sobbed. "It was porn! Awesome porn!"
"Porn is important," Link agreed. "Porn is very important."
"…I'm straight, you guys know that, right?"
"You are? I thought you were gay!"
"Why would you think that?"
"Because you have violent tendancies associated with people who want to come out with their sexuality, but can't!"
Navi gasped.
"That actually sounded smart! DIE!"
"Hey, where's all my crap?" Link shrieked. "I'm missing all of my stuff!"
"You finallyrealized that?" Navi rolled her eyes. "Actually, nevermind, it's you. You need no explanation."
"Where do you keep your stuff?" asked Kasuto.
"My hat."
Kasuto gasped. "Really?"
"Yep. I kept my Slingshot, Bombs, Deku Sticks, Deku Nuts (insert mandatory male anatomy joke here), my DSi, my favorite mug, my cell phone, my fridge, my wallet, several random pieces of paper, my collection of Shinies, my 1-Up mushrooms…"
"We get the point, Link," cut in Navi. "And if you were wondering where it all went, I woke up about half an hour before you two and was bored."
Link was almost afraid to ask. "What'd you do?"
"I gave it all to Ruto," Navi grinned.
Link screamed. "AAAAAAAAHH! MY HAT! SHE TOOK MY HAT!" He promptly fainted.
"Hey, what gives? First the towns full of zombies, now this?" Link shrieked. They were standing where, seven years earlier, the gatehouse would have been, looking at a completely different Hyrule Castle; one that had Ganondorf written all over it.
"Have you finished writing my name on the castle ten thousand times yet?" Ganondorf screamed.
"Sir no sir!" the Iron Knuckle, who was carrying a bucket of red paint and a giant paintbrush, answered.
"Well, keep at it! I want everyone who looks at this castle to know that this is MY castle! MINE!"
The group sweatdropped. Then, Navi began smiling.
"Heyyy, Liiink…" Link turned around. "There's a spider on your head."
"AAAAAGGGGGGGHHH!" Link slowly screamed, slowly running around in circles swatting at his hair. "GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!" In his panic, Link didn't realize that he was slowly getting closer to the edge, until he slowly stepped off, and slowly fell into the moat of lava, slowly screaming. He slowly disappeared under the lava, still slowly thrashing around.
Navi slowly laughed as she slowly hit the button on her remote. "It's a good thing msfcatlover gave me this back! I would have killed her if she hadn't!" Then she sighed. "Of course, since the two of them respawn indefinitely, he's gonna come back, right about…now."
And she pushed Kasuto and Link back into the lava pit, cackling the whole time.
…And here's art for the Clock Sword, courtesy of the person who gave me the idea for it (you know who you are): http:/ rinsoevrest. / gallery /#/ d2y92al (remove the spaces). And the Omega Trigger: http:/ rinsoevrest. /gallery/ #/d2ybka6 (again, remove the spaces). Did anyone noticed the shameless advertising in the story? BTW, I got this up before NaNoWriMo, so you won't see me again until... December, at the earliest. I know, joy.