Chapter 14

What I wanted to tell him was it was okay and to forget about it. That it wasn't him who did those things to others and to me. It was some other guy without a soul, a conscience or any empathy… or compassion. But I couldn't. Not because I didn't believe it, but because I didn't want to think about it. Ever again. Now he was back; whole and full, moving on and forgetting my time with soulless guy was top priority on my list.

'How's the pain?' I asked him even though the kid wasn't sure if all the images smashing together in his head were actual memories or something else messing with his mind. The confusion in his eyes told me it had lessened. He was too consumed with thinking about actions past to clutch at his stomach or clench his jaw.

'I killed people.' He said to himself, 'I let you get-'

'You thirsty?' I stood up worried about his hydration. All that screaming must have ripped at his throat. 'Want some water?'

Expecting to hear an answer to that particular question was probably wishful thinking but I waited nevertheless. Only to receive a mortified: 'All that really happened? I really did all that?'

'Just wait there.' Where else he was going to go when he could hardly move let alone walk, I had no idea but I was so used to not trusting him I found myself checking over my shoulder as I walked into the kitchen.

What I should've been doing was hugging the guy, telling him how happy I was to finally have him back. Yet here I was turning on the tap and filling an empty glass with tepid and murky water. And man, was that glass shaking. So much so I had to place it down on the counter and steady myself on the edge of the sink.

Breathe in and out.

In and out.

'Dean.' I heard my brother call in a voice so soft and small; it slammed me back to the here and now. In and out….and smile. Pick up the glass, turn around, take it to him…and smile.

'There you go.' He took it from my outstretched hand and gulped down a mouthful. I think he said thanks but he just as easy could have said nothing. I wasn't sure. All I felt was his eyes on me and I wondered why I was doing everything I could to avoid them. Why was I looking at that stupid, ugly cracked mirror again?

'You okay?' I heard him ask me as if I was the one who just returned from the cage.

The cage.

How long had his soul actually been out? Did he remember anything from his time in there or was his head still disconnected from that side of things? I couldn't ask him. Not yet. I didn't want to risk it all coming back and splitting him in half. He was having a tough enough time working out the rest of the crap that went down while he was gone.

'Dean?'

My smiles; he wasn't buying them. Either was I. So I sat down and forced myself to glance at him. 'How're you doin'?' I spoke before he could say another word and sat on my hands. Just so he wouldn't notice their shaking and just so I could regain some level of control over them.

'How are you doing?' He was worried. Worried about me. When really, it should have been him we were worried about. And I was. But still, that damn mirror was pulling my eyes towards it, practically begging me for my attention. And it won.

'God, I'm so sorry.'

'It's not your fault.' I mustered enough courage to tell the split right hand corner of the frame. 'It wasn't you. Not really.'

He moved only slightly but enough for me to catch the rolled up sleeve of his plaid shirt out of the corner of my eye. This stupidly caused my gaze to suddenly dart to my knees. And then to his. We both needed new jeans. These ones were old and worn. Mine were more faded with holes threatening but his lived a tougher life and were just about done. That was next on my list; new jeans. For both of us.

I hated new jeans. They were stiff and scratchy and took forever to look worn in. Felt like a douche walking around in new jeans.

'I really put you through it this time.' I heard him say while I wondered where I was going to pull the cash for these new jeans from. 'This time.' He repeated with a sarcastic snort. 'I'm forever screwing with you aren't I?'

'Like I said.' I told his knee. 'It wasn't really you.'

'Was my brain, my thoughts, my ideas.'

'Sam don't.' I expected that patronizing expression of his to hit me. One that said I'm right and you're wrong so best you just shut up right now. But what I saw when I managed to look up at him was pure and utter misery. And if anything could snap me out of my own, it was seeing him wallowing in his.

'You didn' t have a soul. Now you do. So all that; it's over. You just have to forget about it. We both do.'

'Meanwhile, you've lost Lisa and Ben and your home. And you were sticking with some guy that didn't even care about you. I can't believe…' He took a breath and closed his eyes. 'I can't believe you had to hear that.'

'It's fine.'

'And that wasn't even the worst of it.' He said as his eyebrows knotted together. 'Or was it? Everything I did was because of that wasn't it? Because I just didn't care. How could I not care? What kind of monster am I?'

'You're not a monster.'

'I should have stayed down there. I should never have made that deal. It was selfish and look at what I've done because of it.'

'Sam enough!' The boom of my voice caused him to flinch a little which in turn ignited some more pain. Why was I yelling at him? And more importantly why the hell hadn't I hugged him yet? Somewhere inside I was continually switching off the button that told me my little brother was back. But why? It was all I frickin' wanted and now that he was sitting right here in front of me, there was still a kind of weird-ass tension oozing from me. And I didn't get it. Didn't get it at all.

So I forced myself to really take him in. See him as someone who did care about me – and others, who wouldn't risk my life for some one-off alpha hunt, who wouldn't forever lie to me …someone I could trust. Or learn to trust… all over again.

All-over-again.

And it was right then I realized what was going on in my head. Trusting him. I knew I should and I knew I could. This was Sammy, my brother. The one I'd always trusted the most, who always had my back growing up… who'd always put me first, who'd never let anything happen to me…

When he forced himself to stand, I stood on instinct, ready to catch him if he fell. He was back to clutching his stomach and even though his face twisted in agony, for the first time I noticed how his eyes drooped along with his body; nothing like he was only minutes ago when his soul was searching for him and he was fighting me to keep it out. This version was a much weaker version, but one that tugged hard at my heartstrings.

'What are you doing? You shouldn't move. Just sit down.' I frowned at him, holding out my still shaky hands in preparation for his drop.

He shook his head and managed a footstep over to me. And before I could ask him once again what the hell he thought he was doing, his ginormous arms wrapped around me, drawing me into that exact same hug I'd planned on giving him.

'I'm so sorry.' He repeated into the side of my head. 'You know I'd die for you, right? You have to believe I would.'

I should have answered him, but I didn't. Instead one of my hands grabbed hold of his shoulder followed by the other. He let out a soft whisper of a whimper as he relaxed into my hold and gripped onto my back for dear life. We were causing each other physical pain; me with the pressure on his stomach and chest and him with laying on his full body weight, but neither of us wanted to let go. Neither of us would.

'It makes me sick knowing what you went through because of me.' He spoke when I couldn't. 'The things I did…You know I would never…'

'I know.' I finally found the capability to open my mouth and form some actual words. 'It's okay. We move on.' I told his doey-eyed face as I pulled away but grabbed onto his biceps to keep him standing. Those damn puppy dog eyes were back; overflowing with concern, regret and remorse. Those alone helped me separate this Sam from Robo-Sam. Those alone caused a genuine smile and even a little laugh. Those eyes; these feelings he was feeling just made me want to fix everything for him. Made me want to look out for him, look after him, trust him again. He had no idea why my face changed from apprehension to amusement. He had no idea the kind of effect his own eyes, when full of emotion, had on his older brother.

'I'll make it up to you. I'll prove to you that isn't who I am.' He told me still thinking he had to.

'I already know that Sam.' It was me who instigated his move back to the couch, me who helped him sit back down and me who handed the glass of water to him again. 'How's the pain? You hungry? You want something to eat?'

'You just stuck around. Even though I left you for a whole year and didn't tell you.'

'Yeah.' My own stomach tightened frther with that one. 'Do that again and I'll kick your ass.' Much to my relief he settled back into the couch and let me lift his legs to help him straighten. 'How's the pain?' I repeated even though I saw for myself the way he cringed when I sat beside him.

'Fine. A lot better.'

'Good.'

'I remember not wanting to do that. Even being the monster I was. I remember still wishing you were around.'

Let's not talk about soulless guy.

Let's just not.

'What else do you remember?' I asked him finally ready to broach the subject. 'You remember anything about just being your soul?'

And with that came my worst fear. Once again and the very second those words sunk into his mind, something triggered inside him causing his eyes to widen in horror and his body to double over in agony. Before I could do anything to fix any of it, a bloodcurdling scream of terror escaped his lungs.

One that chilled me right to the core.

Holy Jesus Christ.

(To be continued...)

I hope to update before Christmas, but if I don't; I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a safe and happy New Year!

Let's hope 2011 is a fantastic one for all of us. xo