'Are you happy?' the question played around in her head until she thought she had seen every scenario. Until another popped up and played out right in front of her eyes. She looked across the huge bed at him. He was laid on his side with his back to her, she knew he was reading some magazine – or more accurately looking at the pictures. She wanted to ask him the question, though she was almost one hundred percent sure that she knew what answer she would get. It was a little strange that she would wonder at the question, given her reasoning behind it. She wasn't, or at least she didn't think she was. She hadn't exactly been happy for years, unless you counted the things she experienced via her vivid imagination. But now she did wonder. She thought that she had been happy recently. She was unsure if she still was. It wasn't like before, shallowness had bred happiness in her old life. Before leaving Long Island the notion of unhappiness had not been one which entered her mind. Now the fear of going back into it had her lying in an extremely posh, expensive hotel and debating her future with an intensity which rarely graced her mind in the recent months. The words were on the tip of her tongue and yet she found it difficult to bring herself to say them. It would be an acknowledgment that things weren't right. And that would only lead to bad things. She had only just managed to establish a relationship with Monica, and Chandler was his best friend. She could only be called an outsider at best. And with these thoughts she was possibly alienating herself so that she would long to be an outsider once more. God did she wish it were easier, but it wasn't – life was rarely how you wished it. In high school she'd broken up with people for fun, this however was anything but fun.
"How was your weekend?" Phoebe's smile almost brought tears to her eyes. She looked around the small table. This was the first time that she'd spent time with Phoebe and Monica together. A short get together over coffee to discuss the weekend. But how could she discuss it.
"The hotel was lovely, Joey must really be important to lay on such a place." She knew neither female would be satisfied with her response – after all a weekend away in L.A. with a man as amazing as Joey in such gorgeous surroundings.
"And?" She'd not admitted to Phoebe and so certainly hadn't told Monica the truth about her relationship with Joey. She couldn't even bring herself to talk to Chandler about it – yet it seemed something different that she didn't understand held her back with him. She stared hard into the giant sized mug of coffee in front of her not wanting to look at the two women sat with her, looking at her with hungry eyes.
"And nothing, no tangled bed sheets, no nothing. In fact we've never…I'm not comfortable with even the notion of…Joey says he understands and that it's not important that we haven't…" Phoebe was surprised that a man could be so understanding, however Monica was almost floored by the admission. She was the only one sat at the table who really knew Joey, and she knew that this wasn't him. Sex was and had always been a big part of his life, in fact almost all of his relationships had been based solely on sex. Not having it after as long as 6 months she found truly astonishing. Maybe he had grown up finally, maybe he just loved her enough to wait. Whatever the answer Monica knew somehow that whenever the end did occur which she was certain it would Joey would be heartbroken.
"Monica I don't think we should do that, I don't think it's the best idea." Disappointment flowed freely through her veins.
"Oh god I'm so embarrassed – I just thought that there was still something between us but I guess I must have misread the signs. I'm so sorry." She stood and grabbed her pursue turning on her heel, but he grabbed her arm before she could flee the room.
"There is still something between us, when I say it's not a good idea it's not because I don't love you, I never for one single day stopped loving you. But it's not even been a month since you and Chandler split and I think it's too soon. I care far too much about you to become…your rebound guy. I can't take having the scraps of you Monica, when I want it all." She softened towards him the jagged edge of rejection removed from it's stronghold round her heart.
"Richard, I'm saddened that you could think I would ever use you like that. Yes it hasn't been a month since Chandler and I officially ended things but it has been so much longer since we were a couple. Our relationship has been dead for a long time. Physically we were very little more than strangers, emotionally we were strangers. This past year has just been a rollercoaster for both of us, it's just been obstacle after obstacle and it's been a permanent uphill struggle. We both know if it hadn't been for my desire for children we would still be together, and children are so evidently not an issue anymore. Richard the fact that we found each other once was amazing, but the fact we found each other again at the exact moment when I was most ready for what could happen is a miracle. You know how I have struggled these past few months with Chandler, you know things haven't been right. I stopped loving him a long time ago." He reached out and gently eased her body to curve with his.
"Monica, don't break my heart, not again." His chin rested on her head and she wrapped both arms round him.
"Richard I lived through losing you once, there is no way I am going to do that again. I just can't."
He knew the time was coming, sensed it. He felt the change in her. She was pulling away from him. He'd been so patient with her, more than he ever thought he was capable of. And yet in his heart he had always known that she could never love him as he loved her. He leaned across the table and brushed the stray hair back from her face and beheld the sight. He wished he didn't have to lose her. He was about to do the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life. But he knew it was the right thing to do. Why was life so difficult at times? He'd breezed through it this far relatively unscathed like the people round him seemed to be. They'd all had their trials and tribulations – some more than others. But he had never suffered, not really. And certainly he had never loved – until now. And though it broke his heart he had to do it. He needed to set her free. He knew she'd never do it of her own accord. Knew her well enough to realise that.
"Rachel I need to tell you something. I've been offered the part in L.A. I know your life is here and I don't wish to uproot you. It seems like this is the natural ending to what we had. I don't want to sound horrible, because I do care about you. I have no problem admitting I've never loved anyone before I met you. But the time seems right for us to go our separate ways." He watched her face intently, for a sign to tell him he was wrong. But it never came. He felt as though someone was driving a stake through his heart, yet he smiled softly at her to let her know he felt no ill-will. Which he didn't. He still loved her too much for anything like that. When the offer had come for him to relocate temporarily to L.A. he had wondered whether it was the right thing to do, not just for him and his career but for Chandler. Though there had been so many improvements in him of late there was still a long way for his friend to go. But for himself he needed the time away, he knew that once removed from the picture the bond between Rachel and Chandler would only grow. While he knew it would happen and was even willing to let it, he certainly wasn't ready to watch it. That in itself made his decision of whether to stay of go simple. It would be far too torturous to his soul to watch them realise they loved one another.
"Joey, I never knew you felt like that. I thought you were happy." He panicked then, he didn't want her to go backwards in her development, he was happy, he loved her. She made him happy.
"I am Rach. Like I said I do love you, I mean that. I've never felt this way about anyone. But we want different things, we're headed in opposite directions and it wouldn't be fair to either of us to compromise or to give up on our hopes completely. We need to follow our own paths wherever they lead – that doesn't mean I'm not here for you whenever you need me. I am. I always will be, for you and for Chandler, but I need to do this for me. You've both come so far and I know that you'll manage without me – both of you. You have each other. But we can call Rach, and visit. This doesn't mean we won't ever see each other again. It's just a year and then I'll be home." She was silent for a while and he began to regret taking her to dinner while breaking the news. He so desperately wanted to be somewhere else now. He was tired of being strong and selfless and he wondered when he had become this person. The old Joey would never have given so freely – then again the old Joey would never have fallen in love, would never have been as patient as he had been with Rachel. He was a different person now though.
"I want you to have all the things you want Joey, you deserve them. And you're right Chandler and I will be fine. We've come this far. I mean Chandler has Monica and Ross, I have Phoebe. We have each other and you're still gonna be our friend, it's not like you're disappearing from our lives." Our lives. The way she said it, as though they were already a couple. He wasn't naïve enough to think that it would be long before they were. He just wouldn't be here to see it.
"That's right Rach. I'll always be your friend." She reached across the table and placed her hand on his. He saw the tears glistening in her eyes.
"I'll be yours, you're a wonderful person Joey, I'm so glad to have in my life. I trust you so completely." He knew in his heart that was all she could give him, but from her it was the most amazing thing she could ever give.
The door closed behind him and left Rachel and Chandler alone in the apartment. Even though he had departed only seconds ago it seemed so lifeless with him gone. Neither seemed to know quite where to put themselves.
"I'm sorry Rachel." She looked over to him and smiled.
"It's for the best. I'll miss him but…it was always going to end." It was the first time she'd actually put the thought into words and she instantly felt relieved. It was the truth. The relationship between them simply wasn't built to last. Chandler couldn't quite deny the lift of his heart to know that she was sad because she was going to miss Joey the friend, not Joey the boyfriend. He too would miss Joey and yet acknowledged a hope that perhaps free of his shadow Rachel would maybe see him. Without her he would not have come this far. And he wanted to explore the depth of his feelings for her. He wondered at how that would ever happen though as he could never handle telling her how he felt and face the rejection that he felt almost sure would follow.
"Chandler we've known each other for almost two and a half years now and we've been through so much. I feel like now though we're getting there. Wherever there is. I guess there is normal. We both have jobs and seem to be functioning in the same world everyone else does. We've both dated and had relationships. And I think now I'm ready to take the next step…which I think is…is maybe…a date." He looked up into her eyes and she stared right back into his.
"As torturous as the last few years have been Rach it got me here. Here with you and I don't ever want to be anywhere without you."
"Then you don't have to be." She stepped tentatively towards him and he did the same. In slow moments their faces grew closer until they were but an inch apart. Both seemed unsure and unsteady about going further until Chandler could hold himself back no longer. He kissed her, it was everything he thought it would be. And he never wanted to stop.