Standard disclaimers:
I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki and some big name companies do.

-
Days before you came
Freezing cold and empty
Towns that change their name
And a horn of plenty
Days before you came
counting breaths inside me
Even crack - cocaine
Couldn't start to hide me

words by PLACEBO ('Days before you came')

CHAPTER 14: REFLECTIONS

So many things happened in the last years, I don't know where to start to summarise it for you.

Two months ago Himura Kenshin married Kamiya Kaoru, a wise decision, I still don't understand why they waited so long. If I would have been in Kaoru's place, I knew what I would have done.

All right, I admit, it would work with Hajime, but with Himura? Anyhow, finally they managed to marry, I nearly fell backwards being invited to the ceremony and Hajime accepted the invitation, very unusual for him.

But what happened after we left Kyoto?

When we reached Osaka we were able to speak with Kondou, it was true, he knew my father, they had grown up together. My father had fought on his side until his marriage to my mother. My father and Kondou had had a close relationship even after the dishonouring and my father had promised me to one of Kondou's men right after my birth.

After my parents were killed Kondou had felt responsible, felt like taking care for me. He tried to get me to Kyoto without attracting attention, he didn't know who was behind the assassinations, he was afraid that I might get killed, too. But Yoshinori's influence was too strong, Kondou didn't succeed contacting me and calling me directly to Kyoto. Knowing Yoshinori from his rare contacts to my father, Kondou was suspicious already about him by that time.

The man of the Shinsengumi I had been promised to, had been killed within a fight. Kondou had to think of someone new and he took the chance when Yoshinori was in Nagasaki and arranged this meeting.

He didn't had many unmarried men handy, so he asked Hajime and Soushi, Hajime refused, Soushi didn't mind to have a look, it was no obligation to take one of the girls, more precise: to take me. But right after our first meeting, Kondou figured out that Soushi wouldn't be the right man for me. It was quite a good trick to let Hajime join this meeting, so he could ask him replacing Soushi later.

In addition to that, everything went different as planned. I had met Hajime and Soushi on the streets, I instantly felt attracted to Hajime, we went to the inn, got drunk, discussed. Hajime had later told me that from the first moment he had seen me fighting, he had known that he wanted me.

When I saw Hajime the first time, it had been attraction, we lost control over it on our second evening. We both hadn't been able to control our blood-lust and desires when drunk, a fatal mixture with attraction.

Now I know that he had recognised me during the meeting and followed me to the swords-smith. He had thought that I was an agent for the Ishinshishi, but Kondou had explained him my background as far as he was able to. At that time Kondou didn't knew the whole story behind Yoshinori. Finally he had convinced Hajime that I wasn't an agent, just an ordinary girl.

I remember all clashes we had, about Soushi, about the book, about me on the streets without his permission and many others. They had been real fun, I still enjoy challenging him, and seeing into his eyes and soul during our 'fights' I would say he loves them as much as I do.

What about Soushi? Well, he was a good, close friend for us both, we still remember him. I think suicide was the best decision he could make in his situation and I'm convinced we did the right thing helping him, I would do it again.

What about the other inmates of the Shinsengumi-house? Well, I never wasted a second thought on them. They had been there, were useful or just annoying. The only deaths I really regret are the two young girls, not that they had been important to me. But I think they had deserved a better fate than being sold to a Samurai-organisation, working like slaves for them and being killed for nothing... just because they had been there. The intriguing wives and children of some of the Shinsengumi are a different point, I wouldn't say they deserved it, this is not true, but I don't regret their deaths.

What happened in the years until today?

Not much later after we reached Osaka and spoke with Kondou, some more battles took place and Tokugawa signed his resignation, a huge disappointment for the Samurai class, a lot of changes came along with the new government.

The first one was the prohibition of slaying people for revenge or own justice, the second one was the prohibition of carrying a sword, 1876. It was hard to accept for Samurai, whose whole pride were their swords. Many committed suicide, they hadn't been able to adopt to the new era.

Hajime changed his name again, now he is called Fujita Gorou, of course I am Fujita Tokio, I refused to change my given name.

Hajime stopped drinking alcohol to gain control about his blood-lust, and it works. Of course he had problems accepting the sword-prohibition but he started working for the new government in 1877 as an undercover agent. Still believing and trusting in his own justice, trying to protect Japan from anyone who wants to betray this country and its new government. Like in the Bakumatsu he slays traitors, with a special permission he was allowed to carry and use his Japanese sword which was comforting to know. In my opinion they are the only real swords, not as breakable as those European ones, I totally agree with Hajime here.

But of course it changed him, losing his fight for the Shogunate. To be honest, not very much, he just replaced his Shinsengumi-troup by a police force. But losing something you have fought for so hard leaves a mark behind.

The sword he had from the Bakumatsu broke during his attempt to recruit Himura to fight Shishio, I had my own opinion about this. It was hard to challenge and force Himura to come with him to Kyoto, a city that held so much memories for all of us, but it was necessary. I agreed with Hajime waking up Battousai. Himura is no use at all... he simply didn't have the strength he had had during
the Bakumatsu when there was no holding back for him, slaying, walking in blood.

I respect Himuras vow never to kill again, I respect people who live for their promises and believes with all their heart and who protect them at all costs. I can understand Himura, but his vow is nothing I could live and fight for, my believe is different.

Hajime replaced his broken sword by Soushi's and took it with him to Kyoto, he never asked me for my father's swords, his respect for me and my past runs too deep.

What about our family?
We have three sons by now, our first was born one year after we left Kyoto, Tsutomu will be twelve soon, I had been right, it didn't take a long time to be pregnant again. Our second, Tsuyoshi, will be ten soon and our third, Tatsuo, just turned seven.

They all are adorable young boys (I have to say that, I'm their mother), educating them in the way of a Samurai might sound hard to you, but I think it is the best for them. I couldn't stand seeing my sons growing up like girls, the basic ideals of bushido are helpful for one's life. Seeing Hajime with
our sons, -you don't believe me that he is a wonderful father, do you?- or seeing him looking at me, then I know what I live for.

With our first son born I stayed at home, it was important for Hajime to know that we are safe and secure during his absence. I understand him, being responsible for children changes one's life-style. If someone would attack us at home, I'm able to defend us, I'm still able to use weapons and I know that Hajime trusts and relies on me in this point.

And I refused to decline him dead every time he leaves, many of the Samurai wives still do this, but I simply can't.

And I am right, he always returns to me, he even survived the fights against Usui, Shishio and later this twisted guy from China, I don't know how, but he returned. Smoking his unavoidable cigarette and having his usual wicked grin on his face seeing me after a longer absence again.

Handling Hajime and three of his sons is not easy, I can tell you. These kids consume my whole time and I enjoy having found my peace. The first seventeen years of my life had been filled with so much love from my parents but on the other hand they had held so much horror. The death of my brother; the education of a samurai; the pressing from Yoshinori; the death of my parents, murdered because of me; Soushi's suicide; Yoshinori coming back; the loss of our first baby. So much had happened in this year, so much had happened in these first months with Hajime.

The most terrible event in my life was the slaying of my parents by Yoshinori, when I reached Kyoto I hadn't really digested it. It had rumoured in my subconscious but I finally was satisfied when I had my revenge. How close had I been to madness? Not reflecting these events? Perhaps it was the best, perhaps I would have gone insane reflecting them, thinking intensely about them.

But what about Battousai?

Battousai was different from me and Hajime. I don't regret one single life I have taken nor does Hajime, we both continued living in this new era with our old believe. Battousai regrets what he has done, he was more disturbed than I was. I found my peace with my revenge and the 'love' I was given.

He found his 'peace' with this Kamiya-girl, and I think she is the perfect balance for him, the perfect woman for his new life.

I can understand why he refuses to take one more life, I respect his vow, I already told you. But as long as someone lives with all his heart for his belief and doesn't betray it, I respect him, above all if someone has to struggle as hard as Himura has to. Meeting him during the Bakumatsu showed me how close I was to drown in blood and losing my sanity.

How many times did I really met him? How many times it was only an illusion? I'm pretty sure the first time it was really him. The last time in the crowd, I'm sure it was an illusion, I was too close to insanity.

Merciless, cold-blooded, deathly, disturbed. We shared too much back then. Both merciless and cold-blooded but suffering on a deep wound, close ones being killed because of us. There was one big difference: I think he hated killing men, he couldn't stand it and was close to losing his mental sanity because of it.

I enjoyed killing to a certain extent, it is like a drug, feeling the resistance of an human body, hearing the blade cutting through flesh, seeing and smelling the blood. But the last life I took was Yoshinori's, suddenly my own blood-lust decreased having my revenge. Subconscious the sight of my parents and his betrayal must have been a burden for me.

What more can I say?
I love Hajime. Of course I never told him, but I'm convinced he knows it. Or could you imagine me hugging him, looking him deep in the eyes and saying "I love you, Hajime."

No, this would be ridicules and unnecessary, we express our emotions different, our understanding of each other is deeper.

He means everything to me, without a second thought I would give my life for him. Of course he would never let that happen.

What more do I expect from life?

Nothing. I have all I ever asked for.

/

Ok... Please keep in backmind: THIS IS NOT HISTORICAL CORRECT!

There is still one chapter to come.

Ja ne,

Mara