Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot, Dylan and the Dogs. (repost.)
Ok so here is the next chapter I hope it doesn't suck, I hope I managed to convey the real fear correctly and that it doesn't seem disjointed.
Dean will properly apologies to Sam in another chapter. I just like the way that, even if you been fighting with your family if something happens, you have each others backs. Mini fight aside. XD
I also hope Dean words to Cas are appropriate in the emotional sense and it isn't lacking, so fingers crossed.
Kind of distracted at this moment, my brother is a gonk! I have moths in my house and he's trying to kill them and he leaves the remains where ever he killed them...because of that one is currently stuck to my dog -.- OCD is going mad at this moment in time.
But I do want to say, I did not expect so many favs, follows and reviews. Really just amazed by it all.
Thank you all so much :)
Side note and final ramble. This follows straight on from the last chapter.
Enjoy.
Not Better Way to Say It.
Bobby rolled his eyes at the younger Winchester's words; all he wanted to do was watch TV. Yet he couldn't, ever since Sam had come home from his evening college class. All he had been hearing was, said man, bitch about the other pain in his ass.
Dean.
You would think after everything the two brothers had been through; going to hell to save the other, pulling the other half out, and always having each other's backs by taking down any evil coming for them. They would be able to work through an issue between them, like adults do…. but instead chose to fight like little children.
Since leaving the hunter life style and hanging up his hat as the main contact in the hunting world when the situations called for his expertise (which he passed onto that Garth lad, who was a little strange.) he had developed a life. Maybe not an exciting one, but he would drink a few beers and watch some programs on the TV because while some of them may have been nothing but pure crap, some of them entertained him.
And that was saying something.
So right now he was trying to watch one of those said programs but since the damn thing started, he had heard nothing but Sam rattle on about Dean being mean, Dean being a dick, bliddy Dean.
For the love of his own sanity, he didn't want to hear anything more about Dean. "For god sake boy, st—"
A knock on the door made both of them look towards the entrance way with raised eyebrows, when the knocking came again, they both looked at each other.
"You expecting company?" Bobby wished he never asked when Sam muttered under his breath as he went to answer the door. Why, just why did he put up with it?
"I don't have any friends or a life, so why would anybody be knocking for me." Stupid dick, he had a life, he did and Castiel just wasn't Dean's, he was his too. While not in the same manner, Castiel was his friend, well ok he was like Sam's other brother. The one who wasn't mean to him for no good reason and one that actually didn't mind how much time he spent over there.
He made his expression neutral as he opened the front door wondering who it was, as soon as he saw who it was, his expression went right back to what it had been. His bitch face. "Don't you have a life outside of Bobby's?" There take that.
Dean just glared at his brother. "Is that how you answer the door to people?" Why was he still hung up on what had been said earlier? "God no wondered you don't have any friends."
Sam sharpened his look, parted his lips ready to fire right back when a cap slapped him around the back of his head. "Ow." He ducked out the way as Bobby shot him a glare. "He started."
"Did not." He came here to talk to Bobby and his Little-Tall shit- brother had started on him.
Why did fate have it out for him, would Bobby get no rest or peace in his lifetime? Sometimes the hunting life style looked appealing, mainly when they were squabbling between themselves. "What are you doing?"
Dean frowned. "What's it look like, I came to talk to you." Was he getting senile in his old age?
"Don't get smart with me." He pulled the younger man in and smacked him around the back of his head, his night had been interrupted and ruined, his program was lost because of these two Idjits, so it was head slaps all round. "I meant knocking on my door, you haven't knocked since your teens. Even then you didn't really knock." He would tap and walk right in, so something must be wrong if he was knocking.
Sam sniggered when Dean winced as Bobby clapped him around the head and yanked him inside, yet glared at his brother when he 'brushed' passed him. He accidently 'brushed' right back into the older man, who brushed right back.
So he 'accidently' punched Dean in the arm.
He glared at his brother and punched him right back in the shoulder. "You're such a loser Sammy."
"I am not."
Bobby groaned rubbing a hand over his face, someday he wished just once, they could live harmoniously together. Pulling his cap back on his head he stepped towards them and smacked them on the back of the head, it was only down to unfortunate timing their heads didn't smack together. He used the term unfortunate because they both needed a good bang on the head, to knock sense into them. "Look, I have a program on that I haven't heard a word of. I have better things than to listen to you two fight."
Dean tensed his jaw before opening his mouth to defend himself because he wasn't at fault. While Sam mouth dropped open and he raised both his hands, ready to point out his brother was in the wrong.
"I don't care what it's about, just stop fighting." He looked to the oldest Winchester wondering just what the hell he was doing here, at night…when he was normally at home with Cas and the baby. That coupled with the strange behaviour of knocking on his door made him suspicious. "What did you do?"
His shoulder's dropped when Bobby asked that question, the distraction of fighting with his brother gone; the reality of his problem set back in. "I think I fucked up, majorly maybe, my relationship with Cas."
Bobby felt his eyebrow met his hairline. "What the hell did you do?"
Sam's arms dropped from their position of being crossed over his chest and shifted his body towards his brother taking in his appearance. "You talked to him then."
"No, he talked to me and it did not end well. I have no idea where it leaves us and I hurt his feelings, I know it." That made him slightly panicky when he really thought about it because if he didn't want a marriage with Cas, then would he think the relationship was pointless and not want it anymore?
Did he just ruin his relationship with Castiel? Dean wasn't certain if he had or hadn't and that's what made him come here. He had no idea what Bobby or his brother could do; he just needed advice when it came to this because he was clueless otherwise. "I don't want my relationship with Cas to fall apart."
Mini alarm bells went off at that, moving towards the younger man he pushed him by the back of his shoulder into the living room. "Sit and start from the beginning." Bobby might not be an expert, or great relationship person to come to advice for. But he had been married and he had a relationship built on a foundation, he also had experience when it came to those foundations rocking in uncertainty.
He would try to help Dean as best he could because that's what his and Castiel's relationship was, a foundation that had built over the years.
Dropping to the couch, Dean sank into it with his hands shoved in his jacket pockets. "We're married, as in husband and husband. Death do us part kind of shit."
Sam sat by his brother, but leaned forward resting his forearms on his thighs and chimed in, "I discovered it on your birthday, it's a certificate and Castiel's legal name is now Winchester. I think it's to protect Dylan and Castiel in case anything should happen to Dean, it also allows Castiel parental rights to Dylan."
Bobby looked toward the younger Winchester. "I can understand that it gives Castiel an identity which you need in this world, but how does that give Castiel parental rights?" He wasn't versed well in laws, but having the same last name didn't always mean you had parental rights.
"He's shares my last name and he's 'adopted' Dylan, so that makes him a legal guardian for our son and gives him parental rights."
Right, so that meant. "There are papers stating that." Bobby looked when Sam nodded;
"They were in a separate envelope." Castiel had showed him after their little talk in the kitchen. It was smart Castiel kept them separate and handy, in case he ever needed them. (which he probably wouldn't.)
"Ok, so why does he need parental rights?" They would never hurt Dylan, hell they wouldn't do anything stupid either because they had Dylan. And who the hell would try to take the kid from them, no one because there was no reason too however when Dean spoke, he had his answer.
Dean sat up pulling his hands from his jacket and grabbed the beer Sam placed on the table before him. Taking a swig, he ignored the fact it was room temperature and answered Bobby's question, "In case of an emergency where Dylan's needs medical care, they won't need to reach me to ask for my permission since Castiel is listed as Dylan's legal guardian."
"Yeah, it's on the birth certificate as well." Sam chimed in.
"Right go on." He waited for Dean to continue, to explain the rest.
"Ok so I found out and I wasn't exactly happy. I thought Castiel didn't know so I told Sam we weren't going to tell him so he didn't feel pressured into living up to the husband duties, or some crap like that." He rolled the bottle between both his hands, staring at the neck.
That was an excuse if Bobby ever heard one. "Why?"
"I don't, it's just marriage. I don't want it." A frown marred his face as he spoke the words, Castiel's words from earlier playing through his mind. "I don't think I do."
Sam rested the lip of the beer bottle against his bottom lip, why wouldn't Dean want marriage and especial not with Castiel, the guy he loved. He wanted to ask the question but remained silent, watching Bobby rub his jaw before telling Dean to carry on.
"I don't know; I just didn't tell him. Then Sam gave me an ultimatum to tell by the end of the week or he would because Castiel had a right to know." He found the rest of his words being cut off as Bobby spoke to Sam.
"What'd you do that for?" Now Bobby was all for helping each other out however there where lines that you just didn't cross to do that. While those lines had become blurred between Dean and Sam, due to hunting, they couldn't be like that anymore. Dean's relationship with Castiel was just that, Dean's, not Sam's.
"Hey, I get it. I over stepped." He held his hands up as he admitted it. "Castiel already gave me the boundaries talk, ok." Sam felt his lips curving up at the memory of the talk.
"He did?" Dean raised one eyebrow, paused in the motion of rolling the bottle between his palms.
"Yeah, he was pretty cool about it as well. Didn't get mad or anything, just told me sometimes things needed to stay between you and him." Sam got it, he did but after always being in his brother's business and his brother being in his, it was hard to know when he shouldn't and when he should. The lines had kind of blurred, but he would get them redrew eventually; it was just going to take a little time.
He grinned at the goofy smile on his brother's face. "Guess I don't need to give you it then."
"Yeah, Castiel saved us all from a fight there." Sam hid his smile in the neck of his beer as he took a swig.
While he found that little moment between them nice and all, Bobby wasn't getting any younger. "Well."
Dean turned his attention back towards the older man, taking a moment to remembered where he was before he resumed telling the story. "But Castiel already knew and when I got home, he told me off for fighting with Sam, then explained he knew about it and chose to hide it from me."
He didn't mean to but he cut his brother off. "Really?" Castiel stuck up for him that was kind of cool. While he knew Castiel cared about him, when Cas was an angel everyone knew he leaned more towards Dean. Which he completely understood, he just thought that now Castiel was human, he might not have the rational thinking he had when he was an angel. So he kind of feared the former angel might side with Dean all the time since it was his partner.
Yet Castiel had defended him and told his brother off. Sam was starting to think that maybe just because Castiel was human now, it didn't mean he wasn't Castiel they knew when he was an angel. He was still him, just a laid back, more relaxed version of himself…. which speaking of that, he was still his pretty sharp self when it came to observation. "He also knows we lie to him about most things, like his cooking and the party."
Damn, Bobby rubbed his jaw remembering the ache from having to eat his birthday cake; he imagined it was what chewing rocks would be like…. or that chewing rocks would be easier on the jaw. "How did he know?"
Sam placed his beer down on the table, yet used the neck to twirl it around. "He's tasted his own cooking."
Bobby muttered under his breath about why did he have to endure torture then. If the damn former angel knew his cooking was dangerous then why did he still have to eat it… Dean, that's why. The damn man was a sap when it came to Castiel, but if he was such a sap why did he not want to be married? "So why do you have an issue with marriage and what happened after Castiel told you he knew about the marriage?"
"We talked, I said how I didn't want marriage and Castiel said it didn't have anything to do with marriage but the fact I was holding a part of myself back. I don't know if he's right, or if I do have a problem with marriage. Either way I hurt Castiel's feeling." He exhaled rubbing the heel of his right palm into his eye.
"How did you know you hurt him?" Normally Castiel was the one Dean talked to; the former angel was like his confidant.
"He gave me space."
Nothing but silence was heard; expressions graced the faces of Bobby and Sam. Something between understanding, confusion and surprise.
"I know." Dean didn't need to lift his head to know what expression they wore, he fucked up, kind of.
Sighing Bobby raised his beer from the holder of the chair and took a swig before speaking, "Well what did you do to reassure him?"
"Nothing." He lifted his head to look at the older man in confusion, and then flicked a glance towards Sam seeing a similar expression, disbelief. Unable to help it, he got defensive. "Look, I didn't even know how the conversation went the way it did, what could I say to reassure him when I don't even know if what the problem really is."
Sam knew who was right before they even went into this, Castiel knew Dean's fear so he was probably right but still they could talk it all through. "So you're against marriage because, what?"
Dean sighed. "I don't want to end up like Dad or Bobby, or that's what I said."
What the hell!
"What's that supposed to mean, there isn't nothing wrong with the way I ended up." He was a Grandpa that was better than he could have expected, or ever hoped for…. wait was that was Dean was trying to tell him. "You trying to tell me you don't want to do this?"
"Do what?" He frowned slightly confused; his head space was already fucked up, so he could really do without the added help.
"Castiel and Dylan, you said you don't want to end up like me and your father. What kid—" He found himself cut off swiftly by Dean.
"No." What the hell! "I was trying to say I didn't want the marriage thing because I don't want to end up like you and Dad, alone and changed." That did not mean he didn't want to be with Castiel, or not be a Dad to Dylan.
Bobby stiffened. "Boy, watch your words about my marriage."
Sam held his hand out and twisted slightly to face his brother before speaking to Bobby. "Calm down, this isn't what he's trying to say; you both got the wrong idea." He made a t formation with his hands. "Time out, just time out." They really needed one at the moment.
Dean rubbed the back of his neck before pushing to his feet and shed his jacket, letting it drop from his arms to the couch. "Look all I meant was that I didn't want to change." His father changed and so had Bobby.
"Change, why would you change? It's marriage not a torturous experience." Sam tilted his head back looking up at his brother wondering where the hell he got this wariness of marriage from. "Mam's and Dad's marriage was fine." He may not have been around for it, since his mother was killed after he was born but Dean said it was a good, happy marriage. So what's the problem?
"No it wasn't always fine, they fought." He grasped the back of his neck with both hands, elbows raised by his head as he paced towards the fire place. "He moved out once."
"What?" Why did Sam not know this?
Bobby held his hand up. "Stop." He directed that towards Dean, before moving his eyes to Sam. "It was a happy marriage and your father loved your mother." That was never questioned, so the way Dean was saying it wasn't the exact truth. "They had a fight, it was serious and he did move out for a little while, maybe a month at tops, but throughout it, they worked to make it right and when they did he moved back in."
Sam felt a little relieved by Bobby's words, he may not have had a normal childhood or life, but he liked to think that his parents' relationship had been real. Despite the fact Cupid made them fall in love, he knew that if they didn't truly love each other it would have faded over time and Cupid's hold would have broken. So the fact they stayed together gave him some comfort that his parents had really loved each other and their marriage was a good one, it gave him hope he could have one like it.
"But they fought and he changed after she died." The words where weak as they came out, the way he looked at it before his and Castiel talk was different to how he was looking at it now. Of course it was the way his mother died that changed his father, it wasn't the marriage itself.
But Bobby's marriage changed him, didn't it?
"He changed because of how she died, don't be stupid boy. You know the reasons for why he changed." He never took Dean for a coward, and normally he wasn't but right now he wasn't even speaking the truth and that was cowardly. "You know damn well; it isn't marriage your wary off."
Sam frowned feeling slightly lost; if it wasn't marriage what was it then?
Dean dropped his arms before raising one to point at Bobby, words quick off his tongue. "But you changed after Karen died. If she was still alive you wouldn't be my Bobby."
Bobby shook his head; the younger man was just avoiding the real issue. "I would be more relaxed with my guard down a little more, with her I could be like because we we're married Dean."
"See and now she's passed you've changed." Grasping at straws and they both knew it.
"Boy, I'm the same damn Bobby. I always been the same damn Bobby." With his childhood and upbringing, it had shaped him into the man he was. "Yes, after Karen passed I got a little gruffer and tougher but that's because I was hurting, I still am but these days I manage it better." He had clammed up after she passed. His only friend back then had been Rufus who could reach him, everyone else he wrote off and then the boys came into his life. After then he started to open up again. "I got you and Sam, Cas and Dylan."
Dean rubbed at his face before carded his fingers through dark blonde hair. "I don't want to change the way you and my dad did." He didn't want that.
Sam looked at Bobby needing to be clued in. "What's the real issue here?"
Bobby took a swig of his beer and looked at Dean, narrowing his eyes before swallowing down the cool liquid. "It isn't about the marriage, it's about the loss. I lost my wife; your father lost your mother. He's scared that somehow he's going to lose Castiel if he enters into the marriage, which is just plain stupid."
"So if you're afraid you'll lose Castiel, then why are you making this seem like it's something against marriage? You could lose Castiel any day at any moment, he could get hit by a bus or get ill, hell he could even get sho—"
"Sam." Bobby shook his head when the youngest man looked at him, while he was trying to be helpful that wasn't helpful at all. Moving his eyes towards Dean, he spoke softly, wanting to give him a different view when it came to marriage "Marriage isn't bad son, I love mine and if I could have it back, I would. Even if I knew it would play out the exact same way because it was worth it."
"But…." It was time to give this up; he sank down to rest on the balls of his feet as he ran his fingers through his hair again. All he had ever seen of marriage was the change one half went through when they lost their partner, all it represented to him was pain and loss. He did not want to lose Castiel, and for some fucked reason he thought if he didn't have marriage then he wouldn't lose Cas.
"I don't want to lose him, it would…" He could think of what it would be like to lose Castiel, just the idea of it made his stomach churn and a lump appear in his throat.
"You can't live like that. Always worried about what could happen, it's like constantly holding your breath which you can't do because that's not the way you're supposed to live." He hated getting all philosophical, or spew crap about what life meant. Jesus it was your life, live it how you wanted, everyone else opinions be dammed.
Sam finally understood it; Dean was scared he would lose Castiel if he took that step. Why his brother had come to associate marriage with loss, he might never truly understand but he would try to help alleviate his brother fears.
"It's ok you know; you're over thinking it." Or maybe he didn't see it for what it really was. "Castiel has had you for a while, your trust him completely Dean. You trust him with our lives and that's saying something." Sam didn't know if stating the obvious would help, but he did it anyway.
Dean dropped to his arse, forearms draped over his raised knees. "I know, I had him. I had him without having him." That didn't really make sense. Rubbing his left hand up his right forearm he tried to explain it in another way. "He was an Angel." That came with restrictions; it allowed him to have Castiel but only in certain ways. And he was ok with that because despite those restrictions Castiel was always his Angel, not matter what happened, he would come right back to Dean, somehow but now that changed.
"I could trust that Castiel wouldn't leave or abandon us. Even with all the shit that kept coming our way, he would always be right there because he was an Angel." In a way it was a kind of fucked up safety net, but one Dean could rely on sort of and now it was gone.
His associated fear of marriage being nothing but loss and pain brought home the reality of Castiel being human and that scared him. Things could happen that they would have no control over, things they wouldn't be able to undo, prevent or change…. Castiel could even decide one day this might not be what he wants.
"What if one day I'm not enough, or he doesn't want this anymore. What if I lose him to something, it could be car or bus, illness or otherwise, either way I won't get him back."
He would stay lost and Dean didn't like the idea of that.
Aww his brother was so far gone for Castiel, he turned into a sap, or an over emotional school girl with their first love. It was kind of funny however Sam knew it's wasn't a time for jokes; this was a serious discussion, so he kept his mouth shut.
Bobby flicked a glance at Sam when he chuckled very lightly, before coughing to cover it up. He swigged the rest of his beer before looking at the label, which he knew by heart he didn't want to look at anyone when he said this. It was going to be sappy as shit, and while Bobby did emotions, he didn't like going deep with them.
"You got to trust him. You have a good foundation, it's been years in the making and with more time it will only get stronger. Live is never forever, it will end one day but we already know that, it's what allows us to live it to the fullest, or how we want to live it."
Dean raised his head at those words, was Bobby getting deep?
"You have Castiel and Dylan; you shouldn't worry about what could happen. Enjoy the time you have with them now, and even if that turns out to be a few short years, or fifty years in the making, it will be more than enough."
Sam curled his fingers in towards his palm and touched his lips with the middle knuckle of his index finger as he swallowed, a small lump in his throat because damn, Bobby's words where deep.
"It will always be more than enough to get you through the rest of the time, until you're with them again."
Agh shit man, he might cry. Sam coughed into his fist and looked at the ceiling, not sure where to look. It wasn't often Bobby went emotional but when he did, it was enough to bring tears to your eyes and he couldn't help himself for saying what he did, "Man that was beautiful."
Dean couldn't help the grin on his face, or the laugh, coming to his lips at his brother's words however they grew when Bobby pulled his cap low and pushed up from his chair, mumbling under his breath at Sammy.
"Shut up, you big girl's blouse. You got balls act like it."
He looked at Sam who was grinning after Bobby and called out his thanks because this talk helped alleviate some of his fears. And the way Sam broke the tension helped, he had been lost too much in his own head lately and to finally come out of it was good. "Thanks Bobby."
"You're welcome you Idjit, now get home and tell Castiel how much of a stupid sorry ass you are." The tone was affection, even if the words where a little gruff.
Sam looked at his brother. "You know you should probably talk to Castiel about this."
"I know, just need to stop being a coward." He'd accept his fear, not a half-ass version he chose to believe instead and while it was good to talk, he still hurt Cas. Dean needed to fix that but the real question was, how.
"How are you going to make it up to him?" Sam had a few fights in his past relationship that he had to make up for, but that was over small things and this wasn't a small thing. He never really had to make up for anything major, so he was a little unsure of how to do that.
Dean shrugged one shoulder, speaking the truth, "No idea."
They sat in silence for a few minutes trying to figure something out, when Sam clicked his fingers drawing Dean's attention to him.
"Now I don't know if this is over stepping." He held both hands up in caution but the grin on his face was growing because Sam was sure he thought of an idea that might help.
"Funny, just tell me this lame ass idea." Dean jibed at his brother but the words lacked heat behind it.
-.-.-
He hoped Boomerang didn't bark when he got in the bedroom, he might wake Dylan up. Part of Dean hoped that Castiel was still awake as he wanted to talk to him. The other half of him hoped he hadn't kept him awake, unable to sleep because of their earlier conversation.
Shutting the garage door linked to the kitchen, he placed his keys in the bowl instead of tossing them as he didn't want to make a noise. It wasn't like he would make a giant racket if he did his normal routine but it was the early hours of the morning, bringing with it the quiet hush. It was said quiet hush that made him toe his boots off before sweeping them to the side, to move through the kitchen quickly and quietly before he started up the stairs lightly.
When he reached the landing he slowed his steps, tiptoeing in the hopes Boomerang didn't start barking yet slowed altogether for a moment when he heard Castiel talking…
Creeping closer to their bedroom door he looked through it and stood taking in the scene before him; Cas was on the bed with Dylan sitting on his upper chest with only the side table lamp on.
"He doesn't mean to be distant; he just got caught up in his head. It happens sometimes." Castiel ran a hand over black hair that seemed to be growing thicker and longer. "Normally he can split his attention but this was a big thing he was thinking over, so you have to forgive him for being distant."
Dylan dropped his foot he was lifting and made a face, as if he was unhappy. He woke up and his Dada had disappeared, he did not like that.
He felt his smile grow a little. "He has the same kind of look when he's being stubborn, I do prey my father didn't give you all the Winchester traits." Castiel traced the side of Dylan's face before tickling him under the chin. "While they are loveable key traits, I don't think the world could handle another Winchester."
Yet he could see it, his son was trouble in the making, cute trouble that he would love always. But trouble was still trouble at the end of the day, good thing he was skilled at handling Winchesters and a Singer.
Dylan's face started to crinkle up but he turned his head away, once the fingers left his chin his face went right back to being unhappy.
Castiel felt his smile grow. "Definitely like your Daddy." Sliding his hands under his son's arms he lifted him up and brought Dylan closer to him, giving him a kiss on the side of his face. He gave his son another one when a little hand dropped to his cheek, then felt his smile grow when he thought his son was trying to hug him. It was more a squashing of his face as arms rested by his cheeks and Dylan turned his head laying it against his nose. "Thank you."
Dylan lifted his head, two teeth on display in a smile as he babbled something before dropping his head for a kiss.
Castiel moved one hand to brush over hair that seemed to be developing a life of its own, tending to stick up. At times it only served to remind him of Dean; maybe Dylan taking after Dean wasn't all bad…. well at least with certain traits anyway.
Little hands rested on his cheeks as blue eyes looked at him, tired but happy eyes.
He moved his other hand to cup his son's small face. "Even if your Dada doesn't get passed his fear, I will always have a part of him others never did." Castiel had Dylan, their son. Now that he thought about it, even if Dean never did get passed his fears and be able to say the words he wanted to hear.
The fact they had Dylan told him Dean loved him and that would always be more than enough.
Castiel kissed his son, smiling at the kiss back he received.
Damn, he felt like he was spying on that private moment which was just stupid. Resting his shoulder against the door frame he slid one hand in his front pocket feeling nervous, hoping he could say what he needed to say right. Opening his mouth, he was about to let Cas know he was home when a groan sounded through the quietened room, he paused feeling his lips quirk up.
Turning his head slightly at the groan that came from the pillow beside him, Castiel looked at the puppy, first Dylan and now Boomerang. The poor thing looked sad, after Dean left he sat howling at the garage door and while it was a cute sound, Castiel thought it was a little sad and collected the puppy to bring him upstairs.
The poor dog missed the older man so much he curled up on his pillow and stayed there most of the night. "He will be back soon."
"I am back." Dean rubbed his free hand through his hair and smiled, hoping Cas wasn't mad or upset with him for standing in the doorway during his moment with Dylan.
Castiel turned to look at the doorway seeing the older man leaning against it looking a little tired, "Hi." He was going to ask Dean where he had been but was interrupted by barking and baby babble. What happening next was funny chaos, that how Castiel would remember it as baby and dog got excited over the return of Dean.
Dylan lifted his head higher and started talking loudly and quickly, as he pointed at his Dada.
Boomerang started barking, little tail stump waggling as he charged off the pillow and started for Castiel's side of the bed, as it was the closest to the door. However, he encountered a leg under the cover and stumbled over it, face planting the space between Castiel's legs before recovering. Boomerang cleared Castiel's other legs continuing to bark as he looked at Dean and when it reached the edge of the bed it did something it never did before.
It leapt off.
Dylan stopped his excited talking and pointing, his eyes went wide.
Dean looked at the dog on the floor, worried as it went completely still. "Boomerang?"
Castiel sat up in the bed, moving Dylan to sit on his lap as he looked at the dog, wondering if it was ok however he had his answer in the next minute.
Boomerang pushed to its feet and shook his head, before looking at Dean and resumed barking as he charged forward.
"Alright, you can stop barking now." He lowered his hands to stroke the over eager puppy, which was turning in a circle in its quest for more strokes. "I was only out for a few hours."
"He missed you," Castiel leant back against the pillows and kept a firm hold on the wiggling form of their son. "So did Dylan."
Dean lifted his head seeing his son holding his arms out for him and stroked the dog for a minute more then pushed to his feet. "So…. just Dylan and Boomerang?" He directed the questions at Cas as he moved towards Dylan and lowered his head to kiss his son's cheek. He would try and gauge what kind of mood Castiel was in by his answer.
He felt his lips lift up at one corner, was the great Winchester scared to ask him if he was upset with him? Castiel remained silent as he waited for Dean to look at him but the man kept his attention on Dylan. "Subtle, I think not."
Damn, he grinned giving Dylan another kiss before turning his face to look at Cas, a smile was on the other man's lips and amusement in his eyes. Which was a good sign, good enough he felt it was the right time to talk. "Can't fault a man for trying."
Castiel settled Dylan, who was trying to reach for Dean and just smiled at the answer, once he had Dylan still for the moment he looked at the older man's face. He seemed tired but more relaxed, almost as if his problem was resolved. "You seem less troubled."
Dean flashed him a half grin and spoke with affection, "Went to visit a looser."
Oh, he had thought he might go to Bobby's but he also thought since the brothers had their minor fight he might go to a bar and try to figure it out himself. "Good talk?" Castiel looked into hazel green eyes before skimming his eyes over Dean's face, he seemed less tense.
"Yeah." He moved his head closer to Cas's and brushed their lips, resting one knee on the edge of the bed along with a hand over Castiel's legs to support his weight. It was just a soft kiss to start with, Dean didn't want to get up in the former angel's space too much but when lips brushed his again, he responded.
Castiel didn't think he should go into tongues with Dylan on his lap but he was glad Dean seemed to be back to himself. The thought of giving Dean space made him panic a little, he raised one hand to brush fingertips along the older man's jaw and whispered as he broke the kiss, "Are you coming to bed?"
"Yeah, give me five." He brushed their lips once more before looking down at his son, head resting against Castiel's chest with a content look on his face. Dropping his head, he dropped a kiss to Dylan's forehead. "You putting him to bed."
"I already tried, he doesn't like being alone at the moment." Castiel didn't mind so much, he kind of didn't want to be alone either so he was more than happy to have him in the room. "I'll wait till he falls asleep then put him in his room."
Dean nodded picking Boomerang up and put him back on the bed giving him one last stroke before entering the bathroom. After doing his business, he grabbed his tooth brush he started brushing his teeth. Trying to figure out how he was going to say sorry and explain his actions for being distant, or to be more accurate, the real reason he was scared.
-.-.-
Holding Dylan carefully, Cas shifted down the bed, until he was lying on his back with his son resting on his chest. Grabbing the covers, he pulled them over himself and half way up Dylan's back before kissing the top of his head.
Dylan's arm moved on his chest as his son lifted his head and turned it to lie on his other cheek. Castiel knew he was just trying to settle and then would eventually drop off to sleep.
When the covers lifted he moved his eyes from black hair to glance at Dean, waiting for him to say something.
"Ok so I'm not really good at this, so don't hold it against me." Dean frowned at his own words as that didn't come out right, it sounded like an excuse, not an explanation.
"I know and you're not the only one who feels like that sometimes." Castiel was so unsure went it came to many things. The talk from earlier left him unsure and the confusing emotions he felt after didn't help. He knew Dean cared, he did but a part of him was still a little hurt and worried. "This is new for both of us and I know at times we will get it wrong, but that's ok. As long as we talk to each other and be truthful, then I think we will be fine."
He was trying to tell Cas the reasons for his fears, yet the damn words where coming out wrong. Castiel was getting the wrong idea. "No, I'm not on about that." Dean sighed as the words left his mouth. Dropping his head into his pillow he mumbled under his breath before lifting it, pushing down on his left elbow, to rests his weight on it and looked down at Castiel's face. "I meant I'm not good at talking, expressing how I'm feeling. So don't hold it against me if I fumble it up."
"Oh." Castiel felt his lips twitch but controlled his smile and simply nodded at Dean instead.
Damn that sounded wrong as well. "I didn't mean that your feelings are unimportant or anything." Shit Cas was trying to say how he felt and he cut him off. "Your feelings count too, and I don't want you to feel unsure and I can talk. I will talk, I will and I won't get wrapped up in my hea—"
"Dean." He reached out with his right hand and rested it on the older man's forearm. "Take your time, its ok."
He exhaled dropping his eyes to the bed, trying to think of how to say this correctly. "I'm sorry for getting the others to lie about your cooking." There that was a start. "I just didn't want you to get discouraged because it's not that good."
Castiel smiled. "Thank you, I appreciate that you didn't want my feelings to get hurt." He did, it was coming from a good place. "But you don't always need to protect me from things, just be there with me through them."
"I can do that." Dean could…. try. That was a good start as any however if he thought it would really upset his angel then he wouldn't necessarily lie, but maybe soften the blow.
He brushed his fingers down Dylan's back feeling the even breaths his son took. "What would you have done if I didn't already know the truth?" The answer made Cas smile, Dean expressed himself in ways he didn't even know.
"I would have continued to eat your cooking for the rest of my life." And that was the god's honest truth.
Only someone in love, or if you truly loved someone would do that.
Dean smiled at the amused look on the former angel's face; the light the lamp gave off allowed him to see Castiel expressions clearly, while he was half in the dark, on his side of the bed. It kind of gave him some security, or reassurances that he was able to read Castiel's expression.
It was good to know that Cas wasn't mad at him for that however he knew the reaction to how he didn't really say anything during the 'conversation' (Cas calling him out on his shit.) had left the man a bit upset. He didn't want Castiel to feel upset, he didn't want the other man thinking he didn't want this relationship or him because he did.
"About earlier…" The ball of nerves in his stomach grew. His voice was soft and husky in the quietness of the room, "I'm sorry for leaving after our talk. For not reassuring you about it but it took me by surprise."
Surprise, how did his own fear surprise him? Castiel thought he knew his fear he just couldn't say it. Reaching out his hand slowly he moved it across the bed again, until his fingertips brushed Dean's forearm. "How?"
He found that little act of Cas's fingers on his skin soothing and moved his right hand to trace over the back of the former angel's hand. "You asked me back then why I was scared to accept your gift, I didn't know the answer because I couldn't admit it to myself." It seemed so long ago but really it was only a couple of months ago.
Castiel remained quiet waiting for Dean to carry on speaking and simply turned his hand over, palm facing up and half linked their fingers, letting him know he was listening.
How things had changed so much since then. Dean knew his fears now; he could reassure Castiel that his was what he wanted, to let him know what his fear was about. "So I couldn't reassure you that I want this." That didn't sit right with him; he should have stayed and tried to talk to Cas, even when he gave him space. Thank god for the Bobby and his gruff words. "But I do want this."
"I know."
He shifted his position moving to lay on his side by Cas, his bare chest touching the skin of Castiel naked upper arm and dropped a kiss to the skin of his shoulder. "No, you didn't get it. I only ever saw marriage end badly. My father lost my mother, Bobby lost Karen and they changed. Other hunters either died together or one was taking down first. I saw the way it changed them."
Castiel remained silent as lips pressed to his skin but turned his face slightly to the right, wanting to give Dean some comfort but the positions he was in with Dylan on his chest, didn't allow it. "So you associated marriage with badness." He understood how when you only saw it one way, you tended to think of it that way.
Dean rested his forehead against Castiel's jawline. "No it wasn't bad things, it was loss." How he came to do that, or when, he would never know. But that's what he saw it as, you got married then you lost your partner. "Everyone lost their other half, and I don't want. I don't want to lose you."
Not exactly words of passion or undying love, yet it was the only way he could say it.
He rubbed his hand over Dylan's back feeling warm breath fan his neck. "Why do you fear you would lose me?"
Dean exhaled gently feeling able to say these words, maybe it was hush of mid-morning, coupled with the semi layer of darkness in the room. Or maybe because he could finally admit it to himself that he could say it aloud. "…I'm afraid you might not want this one day, or that one day you're not going to be here because of other things."
Castiel thought the words over, trying to understand exactly where this fear had come from. Even as he thought about it, he wanted to reassure Dean that he wouldn't wake up one day and his feelings would suddenly be gone. "My feelings for you won't suddenly disappear Dean. I was an angel, I had my grace but I didn't feel in the way humans do yet I found myself with feelings for you."
Such a strange thing in the beginning, the way his grace would always reacted differently with Dean than with anyone else. At first he didn't understand why, or what, his grace was doing but over time he figured it out. He felt a deep affection, if you could call it that considering his grace wasn't quite the same as human emotions, for Dean.
After a while of helping Dean, his grace sensations grew when it came to the older man, Castiel found himself wishing he could truly experience human emotions the way they did. It had almost become a need he carried for a while, the need to be able to fully understand and actually experience the sensations his grace gave. But no matter how much he wanted to be able to feel, he couldn't.
Until his father allowed him to feeling after bringing him back, and to this day he would never know if his father allowed him to feel so he could better understand humans. Or if he really allowed it to make Castiel happy. After his father gifted him, he found his emotions for the ex-hunter went deep, it was quite surprising yet those feelings grew after he could truly feel and understand his emotions.
The deep affection gave way to love, a love that to this day didn't diminish or disappear. "My grace isn't the same as human emotions, yet I still found myself with feelings for you." The words where weighted with meaning, but he wanted Dean to understand exactly how much he cared for him.
"Do you think that would have happened if my feelings could just one day disappear, or that my father would let me give up being an angel if I would wake up one day and not want you, or the life we have together."
When he put it like that, his fear did sound kind of stupid at least one the front that Castiel might not want him one day. "When you put it like that, I get it…but," However the other half of his fear wasn't stupid, or unfounded.
"When you were an angel, I had you without having you. You came with restrictions that I could live with." Dean had Castiel without having him because of those restrictions. But it was those restrictions that kept Castiel with him, tied to him. "If you got hurt your father would bring you back, if you disappeared it wasn't permantly because you where an angel."
"I could trust in that fact, that somehow, someway you would come right back to me…but your human now."
When Sammy went into the cage, or he thought he was about lose Sam and Bobby to some big bad, his heart would feel like it was being squeezed in a vice, which would only get tighter.
Yet the thought of losing Castiel made his heart stop, for a full beat as breath became trapped in his lungs. In the moments when he calmed himself his heart would be beat again but it felt like a punch from inside his chest, hard enough he would rub his chest, trying to alleviate the pain and his fears, at the very thought.
"If something happens to you there is no coming back from it and I don't think I could handle that."
Dean would struggle to adjust to Castiel not being there, he may not have known the former angel for a life time but the bond he had with him went just as deep, as the ones he had with Sam and Bobby. Hell, if he was being truthful it went deeper.
In the last couple of years Castiel worked his way under his skin and carved a place inside his heart. "I'm afraid one day you won't be here and I need you here, I need you with me."
Castiel moved his head on the pillow so it rested against Dean's more firmly and spoke in a quiet but firm voice. "I am right here with you; I won't be going anywhere for a long time. Trust my father, he gave you this gift and trust in the fact it's not going away."
He pushed down on his left elbow propping himself up and looked down at Castiel's face, blue eyes locked with his. He probably should have said it a while ago but right now seemed like a good time. And there was no better way he could have said it.
"I love you Cas."
Those words made him smile, he been wanting to hear them. He knew Dean loved him but the fact he said it out loud reassured Castiel. It reaffirmed that Dean did in fact loved him, and wouldn't struggle to say it.
Reaching a hand up he curved his fingers around the back of Dean's neck and tugged his head down. He brushed their lips, still smiling against the older man's lips and only pulled his head back a fraction to whisper. "I love you too."
He dropped his head down again brushing his lips over Castiel's again, pressing harder into it and lifted his hand to Cas's jaw. He curved his fingers over the left side and rested his thumb on the man's chin, tugging slightly. When Castiel's parted his lips he swept his tongue forward, the kiss wasn't heated but more slow and sensual however it was broken when Dylan's arm hit his chest.
Castiel looked down at Dylan, who was still sleep peacefully on his chest, beside momentarily hitting Dean as he pressed close. Lifting his eyes, he looked into familiar hazel green ones, making his smile grow.
He soothed one hand down Dylan's head and back, fingers laying over Castiel's as he looked at his son before returning his eyes to Castiel.
"You want to be my husband?"
"I do." Castiel had never smiled so widely before.
"How about you?"
Dean grinned, not exactly a marriage proposal to tell people about but that problem could wait till another time, for now all he had to say was.
"I do."
Hope you enjoyed it.
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C.I.G.21xx