*I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.*
A little less than three months earlier...
As Jasper opened the door, his heart so heavy in his chest he was experiencing physical pain, he heard his brother's question.
"Am I losing you?" The words cracking, his voice quivering.
Jasper halted on the doorsill, his breath promptly caught up in his throat. The impulse was to turn back and look at his brother, tell him the truth, that he didn't know, it was impossible to know anything at that moment with the mess that was inside his head and heart...
But for the first time Jasper didn't give in to his spontaneous behavior. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second and strode away as opening them back, not wanting to risk the snippet of sanity and control he still had.
He held on to it, barely breathing, and didn't stop walking until he was safe inside his car.
Then his emotions went rogue.
Tears and heavy deep sobs broke through his frail self-restraint and shook his body as he finally surrendered to the hurt and cried freely. He wasn't even sure what exactly he was crying for, but that didn't really matter when the pain was so overwhelming.
It took him some time to regain a semblance of composure. As soon as he did he took a deep breath and started the car, deliberately ignoring the remaining tears flowing from his eyes.
And as he drove away from Hanover he did his best not to think of anything related to his situation with his brother. He knew he needed time to digest what he had learnt and the feelings revolving inside of him…
#IMPOSSIBLE#
"I don't understand."
"I know. I'm sorry, I know this is hurting you… But I really need it."
Jacob released a puff of air, surprised, confused and utterly scared. He still couldn't wrap his mind around the idea of being apart from Jasper, even if it was just for "some time" as he put it, especially following the four days he had spent without him, receiving a heavy silent treatment after their very first real fight.
"We were okay before that stupid argument." Jacob commented hesitantly, holding back the tears. "If this is about what I said…"
"This has nothing to do with us, Jake." Jasper interrupted him softly. "It has nothing to do with our fight. I need time, this is solely about me."
"So, what you're saying is that you need to be away from me for no specific reason." He stated in a wavering voice.
Jasper sighed and closed his eyes before carding his fingers through his hair. Then he turned around and looked outside his balcony, to the darkening sky.
When Jacob put it that way it really seemed a little reckless, meaningless even, to take some time apart. And it was not like he truly understood the fundamental motive for needing to be alone at that moment, he just knew he needed it if he was to figure out everything he had been feeling.
"I have my reasons." He said despondently. "But I think it's better to keep them to myself. For now."
"I have the right to know why you're leaving me." Now Jacob sounded plainly angry.
Jasper turned to look at him.
"I'm not leaving you, this is not a breakup. I just need space to figure some things out."
"You can't ask me to accept this without understanding what's going on, Jasper!" Jacob's voice got a bit louder and defiant.
"You don't have to accept anything." Jasper retorted in a firm grave tone. "It's my decision, I'm not asking for permission. And I can't explain something that I am still trying to understand myself."
Two large strides and Jacob was right in front of him. He squinted and searched Jasper's eyes with suspicion.
"Is this about Edward?" His voice came out strained and hesitant.
Jasper swallowed hard and forced his mind not to go there. With some difficulty he kept the nonchalant facade, and pretended, even to himself, he was not phased by the mention of his sibling's name.
"Why would it be about my brother?" He threw back the question in a sharp tone, consciously trying to avoid the answer.
Jacob looked at him pointedly while shaking his head and resting both his hands on his hips. That answer was too obvious, at least in his mind.
"He's always been the only person capable of affecting our relationship." He remarked acidly. "Since your birthday, even before that, you've been fretting about your relationship with him. We fought because of him."
Jasper pursed his lips and set his jaw before speaking.
"We fought because you were thoughtless." He countered. "He needed me there with him, he was hurting, and you wanted me to come back just because of a stupid trip we could've easily rescheduled."
Flinching with his last words Jacob stepped back.
"Stupid?!" He looked hurt. "It was our fifth anniversary trip. We'd been planning that for…"
"It didn't matter, Jacob!" Jasper cut him off harshly, and Jacob flinched again, his eyes widening in bafflement. "How can't you understand that family comes first? Edward is my only brother."
"And he's more important than anybody else." Jacob added in a cold voice, his surprised countenance morphing into a disappointed one. "Even if he doesn't give a fuck about you." He concluded, hurling the words at him with plain anger.
As if to rebut the mistaken comment, a very inconvenient memory was promptly elicited inside Jasper's head.
I am in love with you. I have been for a long time.
He dropped his gaze to the floor automatically, unconsciously trying to suppress the myriad of disturbing and contrasting emotions that rose as a consequence.
However, triggered by that one remembrance, his mind brawled to focus on every single word that Edward had ever said to him… It forced his virtual walls and tried to rise up and flood his brain with all he was yet to comprehend.
"I can't understand what it's about him that makes you so blind." He heard Jacob whisper despondently.
So he compelled himself to ground his attention on the present moment, raised his head and eyes and looked at his boyfriend, trying hard to really see him.
When he did, his heart clenched inside his chest…
He knew Jacob for as long as he remembered… They met each other when he was just a toddler and Jakey came to his house for his playdates with Edward. He grew up having his brother's best friend around all the time, Jacob even looked after him with Edward some of the so many times their parents had to go out…
Sure, they grew closer later on, when the seventeen-year-old Jasper, way more mature than the boys his age and knowing what and who he wanted, pulled all the stops to be noticed by his brother's nineteen-year-old best friend. But exactly due to the long-lasting friendship between Jacob and Edward they had already been close all along and Jasper knew him too well… Maybe as well as he knew himself.
So looking at him then, with his mind finally focused, he could easily read the hurt and desperation written all over Jacob's face and eyes. He could feel the pain his boyfriend was feeling… And of course it wounded him, for the love he felt for Jacob was still very real.
He closed the distance between them with two determined steps and wrapped his arms around Jacob's body. The brunet sighed heavily and mimicked his boyfriend's gesture.
"I don't wanna fight, Jake." Jasper stated in a slightly pleading voice. "I don't wanna hurt you and I don't wanna lose you." He pulled away and looked at him with serious eyes. "I love you, baby… Please, understand, I need some space for some time."
"I can't lose you Jay, I can't. I love you too much." Jacob confessed in a broken whisper as he pulled the blond back into his arms and tightened his hold.
Guilt engulfed Jasper, made him feel unfair and selfish… He closed his eyes and squeezed them tightly, forcibly subduing the sentiment, because he needed a clear head to do that.
"You're not gonna lose me." He stated, deep down trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince Jacob.
"Promise me." Jacob pleaded, resting his head on the blond's shoulder as his eyes flooded with tears.
Jasper pulled away once more and looked into his boyfriend's brown eyes, holding his face between his hands.
"I will spend some time away but I'll be back." He promised.
"Come back to me, babe… Please." Jacob added as a soft sob shook his chest.
Jasper hugged him again and shed some tears of his own. Then he just nodded, because at that moment it was all he could do... For he was sure he would be back… But he wasn't certain of anything else.
#IMPOSSIBLE#
Jasper bent his head while running his fingers through his grown blond strands. The wind blew around him, bringing his hair back to his face and hiding his saddened countenance as a curtain.
"You know you can talk to me. About anything." Carlisle assured in the other end.
Sighing heavily for the tenth time and moving his cellphone to the left ear, Jasper nodded even though his father could not see his gesture. He kept on plucking the grass between his folded legs.
"I'm okay, Dad. I told you, I'm just trying to figure some things out." He repeated the explanation he gave to his parent a week before, when he asked for the country house's keys. "Don't get so worried, I'm a grown up man."
"I know, son." He heard the trust on Carlisle's voice. "I just want you to remember that if you need me…"
"You'll be right there for me. I know, Dad. I know."
"Your mom is missing you, but she understands you need space. Just don't take so long to call, she gets concerned. You know how your mother is."
Jasper smiled a little and straightened up, his eyes roaming around the vast view of the field in front of him.
"Tell her I'm eating properly, and I'm taking good care of the house. No messes."
They both laughed lightly, and then became silent.
"We ran into Jacob a couple of days ago… at the supermarket." Carlisle spoke with plain caution. "He was helping his mother."
"How was he?" Jasper asked immediately sorrowful. They hadn't spoken since the last time they saw each other.
"Apparently fine, although I could tell he was not." Carlisle was honest with his son.
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he's clearly lost some weight and I noticed subtle dark circles around his eyes. He talked to us as usual, even smiled a little, but I know Jake since he was seven… He couldn't have hidden the sadness from me if he wanted."
Jasper became silent as the guilt took over him once again…
"Can I ask you something, son?" He heard his father utter tentatively.
"Anything, Dad." He answered promptly.
"This break… Is it about you having feelings for somebody else?"
Even being miles away from his father Jasper's body still got rigid with the sudden tension that arose in him. Of course he was yet to understand that kind of reaction, it still didn't make much sense to him, although he suspected the reasons behind it.
"I'm sorry, you don't have to answer." Carlisle spoke before he could find his voice. "Just listen to me." He completed in a caring tone before sighing. "Take your time, but be truthful with yourself. We can always change our minds, regarding anything and everything but… The heart… It does not have a mind to be changed… It wants what it wants, and it does not follow rationality. You can try and change the way you think, but it is almost impossible to change the way you feel. Do you understand, son, what I'm trying to say?"
Taken aback with his father's words, Jasper was speechless for a moment.
Not that Carlisle had ever been cold or indifferent toward him or his brother, on the contrary... Though somewhat serious and reserved, and also very respectful of his sons' privacy, his father was rather a very loving and caring one, that often put himself available to hear his children and attend to their needs as soon as they shared them with him.
It was actually the accuracy of his statements, his sagacity on saying exactly what Jasper needed to hear, even though he had been completely unaware of what was happening, and the unexpected new perspective that it provided, that completely disconcerted Jasper.
"I'm sorry if I'm meddling, it is not my intention." Carlisle apologized when Jasper took too long to say something.
"No, Dad, you're not meddling, it's just…" Jasper hurried to say. "You kinda hit the bull's eye…" He chuckled lightly but with a hint of sadness. "And gave me food for thought."
Carlisle chuckled as well, although his son's despondency had not gone unnoticed.
"That's what parents are for." He joked a bit, wanting to cheer up his youngest. "I can't give you all the keys to all the doors, but I can tell you where to search for them."
"Thanks, Dad. Really." He emphasized the last word.
"You're very welcome." Carlisle replied gladly. "I have to go now. Important board meeting in ten."
"Okay."
"I love you, my son. Please don't spend another week without calling."
"I won't." Jasper assured. "I'll call Mom later."
"Do that."
"Love you."
Then, following an impulse, Jasper rushed.
"Dad?" He heard his father's 'huh' on the other end. "Have you heard from Edward?"
His heart was pounding so fast and strongly he had to place his free hand over his chest to soothe himself a bit. He hadn't said his brother's name neither had spoken to him for over a week.
"Talked to him yesterday. He's fine." His father answered simply.
"Okay. Bye, Dad."
"Bye, son."
Putting the cellphone aside Jasper heaved a deep breath. It was still hard to wrap his brain around what Edward had disclosed… He didn't know how to deal with that and how he truly felt about it. He was depressed, yes, but much more because he had distanced himself from the two most important people in his life at once… And at least for the time being, and until he was able to grasp what exactly was going inside him, he had to keep it that way.
His father's words provided him some new perspective, though. It was indeed a way to approach the issue, and also a way to try and be in Edward's shoes.
It wants what it wants, and it does not follow rationality.
He got up from the well-taken-care lawn and climbed the few porch steps to get into the house. As he did, his mind worked on its own, assimilating some of Edward's words and connecting them with his father's…
You think I haven't tried?! Why do you think I changed so much, became so distant, estranged myself from you? Why do you think I moved away?
It does not follow rationality.
It is almost impossible to change the way you feel.
I-I didn't look for it I didn't want this to happen, it just…
It wants what it wants, and it does not follow rationality.
I didn't let myself fall for you... I didn't provoke the feelings I have for you, they just… Happened.
The heart… It wants what it wants.
At that point Jasper had already reached the TV room, intending on watching his and Edward's favorite movie, just to get distracted… He knew the DVD their mother had given to them was in the cabinet, together with the so many film copies they owned.
It didn't take him too long to spot the plastic case titled A River Runs Through It, and he unconsciously smiled.
He pulled the DVD out of its place and was about to turn when the black case that had been behind it called his attention.
It was tagged "The boys" in his mother's beautiful handwriting.
Jasper took it carefully and flipped it in his hand.
He had never known about that recording… He remembered that his parents often used to film him and his brother when they were kids, and sporadically once they became teenagers, but he had never seen any of those registries.
Curious and suddenly anxious, Jasper put the movie aside and opened the simple black case, rushing to the DVD player and setting it before sitting on the sofa.
He could not have pressed the play button faster…
The TV was suddenly filled with the strong sunlight of a summer day. The homemade video shook a bit as the person behind the camera walked toward the field and two blond boys… One straddling a brown horse, the other one looking at the former from some feet away.
"Come on! I won't let you fall!" Coming from the sound system, Edward's voice filled the room as he spoke in the video, a broad smile on his lips as he extended a hand to a very young Jasper on the screen.
On the sofa Jasper moved a bit, feeling abruptly uneasy.
"No, you go. I'll just watch." He heard himself saying in a younger and higher pitch tone.
The memories of that day came rushing back to him…
The horse, Thunder, a Spanish Mustang, had just arrived. His father had given it to him as a fifteenth birthday present. But Jasper didn't know how to ride one yet, so Edward, who at that point had owned Mellin, a black American Quarter, for two years, offered to test ride it first, to check if it was as docile as assured by the previous owner.
Jasper suddenly remembered how stunned with his brother's riding skills he had been. So he unconsciously focused on himself in the homemade film, involuntarily wanting to check his reactions.
"Try it, son. Your brother won't let you fall." He heard his mother's voice coming from somewhere behind the camera.
Younger Jasper looked at the camera with big and bright green eyes.
"I want to watch Tonton riding, Mom." He said in a naughty smile and low voice, as if he was telling her a secret. "I'll try it later."
Jasper huffed a sigh, a bit surprised with his younger self. He did not remember saying that, or the mischievous excitement in his attitude.
Lucky him, his mother had framed both his brother and him, so he could watch, with undeniable amazement, the responses of his fifteen-year-old self to his brother's horse ride.
He didn't see much for the next couple of minutes, only a brother admiring the other as their mother registered the moment.
But then something very subtle, that only someone paying such close attention would have noticed, made him pause and rewind, and then watch the fraction of moment three times before pausing again and heaving a weighted sigh.
That was simply it… Just a sigh. A simple sigh his past self had released as looking at his brother… But it was enough.
Jasper leaned heavily on the backrest of the sofa and pressed the play button once again. On the TV screen Edward started galloping elegantly, and the bright smile younger Jasper had on his lips flickered and died in a soft sigh before he swallowed visibly.
It wouldn't mean much for any other pair of eyes, it would have gone unnoticed by anyone else… But it was him himself who was watching, he knew his own reactions and the meaning behind them independently of how much time had passed, if he had been conscious of it, if he remembered the moment or not. And the look he'd had on his face, the way he had been staring at his older brother, and that sigh, followed by the hard swallow… They had desire written all over.
Have I somehow suppressed it? Instinctively? The thought popped up in his mind.
Unwittingly he covered his mouth with his left hand.
"He rides so well." The younger version of his voice filled the room in an amazed tone. "He's a true horseman."
"Your dad taught him well, don't you think?" His mother commented from behind the camera. "He has assimilated his skills thoroughly."
"There's nothing he can't do, is there?" And right there Jasper noticed the deep wonder his own voice inflected in the rhetorical question..."He's perfect."
Jasper pressed stop and stood up abruptly. His heart was racing in his chest and he felt as if there wasn't enough air in the room.
He threw the remote control over the sofa and stormed out to the porch. His hands held the wood railing strongly as he took a deep breath and his eyes aimlessly roamed the landscape before him.
Is this for real? Or am I just projecting as a way to come to terms with my brother's feelings for me? He tried hard to reason inwardly.
Maybe I'm just seeing too much into it… Maybe I just want to find a way to justify the whole thing…
He sighed and nodded to himself.
Yeah, that's it. I'm just unconsciously trying to find a way to reconnect with Edward so I'll be able to accept the situation better… I don't have these kind of feelings for him… I don't.
Straightening up and shaking his head, Jasper seemed momentarily satisfied with his own reasoning… Though a small voice in the back of his head kept trying to speak a little louder what he was striving not to hear.
Later that day Jasper decided it was time to go back… He believed that being alone and trying to understand all that by himself had not been such a good idea.
The problem was… With whom would he share that sensitive matter…?
#IMPOSSIBLE#
A month later and settled back into his routine, Jasper was still feeling restless and confused.
He was trying hard to keep focused on college and to stay in the present, but the stupid nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach and the small voice in his head wouldn't let him be.
The tension in his relationship with Jacob and the unfinished paper on the laptop screen in front of him were proof of that.
He struggled to resume writing, but his mind was not helping at all, it kept spacing out and wonder how Edward would be and what he would be doing at that moment…
It had been almost two months without any contact.
Jasper sighed heavily and slumped his head, letting his hands drop against the keyboard, feeling deeply frustrated.
"It seems I came in good time… Don't bother thanking me, though, I came to your rescue of my own free and generous will"
Hearing his best friend's merry voice, Jasper straightened up and looked toward the door.
"Oh, the shit is worse than I thought." Angela mumbled to herself as she took a good look at his friend's face.
Pretending he hadn't heard her, Jasper sighed again and forced a smile.
"Hey, Angie."
Angela sat heavily on the bed, effectively making the mattress bounce a bit, which made Jasper chuckle.
"Spill." She demanded with one arched brow. "Got into another argument with Jake?"
Sighing once again Jasper looked away from her.
"Yeah, yesterday, but that's not why I look beaten." Even his voice was dejected.
"You do look terrible." Angela agreed in a humorless chuckle. "Have you even slept?"
"A little." Jasper replied simply while closing his laptop.
Sensing things were way beyond serious, way more than she firstly predicted, Angela stood up slowly, put away Jasper's computer and went back to the bed. This time she sat closer, right in front of him, and sighed softly before speaking.
"Jay, I know that whatever it is you've been facing is grave enough for you to try and keep it to yourself." She spoke steadily, sustaining a serious but comprehensive countenance. "And I've tried to respect that, and to give you time and space to deal with it alone, as you seem to prefer but…" She heaved a weighted breath. "I'm truly worried about you."
Jasper just nodded, feeling the urge to open up and unburden growing inside him.
"Since you came back from your retreat..." She made air quotes. "You've been down and reticent… Almost absent, actually… And I know it's because you're living inside your head, mulling over and over whatever you're handling…" She smiled tentatively. "But you can trust me. You can tell me anything." Angela affirmed as she rested a hand on his knee. "I will support you whatever this shit is."
Closing his eyes, trying to suppress the strong impulse to just tell her everything, Jasper shook his head slowly.
"I mean it, Jay." Angela reinforced. "I don't care what's going on, nothing you tell me will scare me away, I will support you whatever it is, I promise."
Something just clicked inside Jasper's brain. He opened his eyes in a haste and looked at his friend suspiciously…
Her intonation, the emphasis she put on her words, especially when she vowed to support him, made him feel immediately wary.
"Why are you saying all this?" He asked cautiously.
Angela's gaze promptly became guarded, as if she was keeping something from him, but she didn't back down.
"I just don't want you to be afraid of telling me something 'cause you fear my reaction." She clarified simply and Jasper saw the sincerity in her words. "I'm your friend and I love you truly. I would never judge."
And with that he got an even stronger impression that she knew or suspected something about his problem…
However, it actually gave him the courage he needed to do what he had been dying to since he got back from the family's country house. Though still a bit afraid of her reaction, he decided he needed to share his anguish with her.
He looked for the smoothest way to begin… And he exhaled slowly once he found it.
"This will sound weird…" He spoke in a low voice. "But I need to ask some things first."
"Okay." She readily replied.
Jasper released a trembled breath.
"Do you have... Any opinions about... Incest?" He clearly forced the words out and his eyes showed how hesitant he was.
Oddly, Angela didn't seem at all confused when she just shook her head. Jasper squinted a little.
"I've never really given much thought on the subject." She sounded honest. "But then again, I've never been aware of any situation of the kind." She shrugged.
Jasper nodded slowly.
"What if you had a brother…" He proceeded in a firmer voice. "And then one day you found out he was… He had… Feelings… Feelings that are not fraternal… For you…" He felt his cheeks warming up as shame took over him. "How would you feel… What would you do…?"
"It would definitely depend on my relationship with him." She answered in such a simple way, completely unfazed, as if she had already thought about that, that it made Jasper feel almost certain she knew. "If it was one of trust, a strong and truthful connection, like yours with Edward…" She raised her eyebrows and right then Jasper had the confirmation of his suspicion. "I would talk to him, listen to him, and deal with it together with him."
Softly Jasper closed his eyes, releasing a subtle sigh. He felt relieved his best friend knew, but still a bit uneasy due to the gravity of the situation.
"Why don't you tell him?" He heard Angela ask and promptly opened his eyes to look at her, his brows furrowing.
"Who?" He sounded as puzzled as he seemed and felt.
Angela raised his eyebrows.
"Edward."
"Tell him what, Angie?"
"That you're in love with him." She answered as if it was obvious.
Well, it was… For her. But for Jasper it was not… He had been talking about his brother, not about himself, but Angela thought it was the other way around. And it shook him to his core to hear that from someone who knew him so well.
He leaned heavily against the headboard, his eyes widened and his breath caught up in his throat. Abruptly everything came back to him… The video he saw when he was at the country house, his feelings, thoughts and behavior when he was in Hanover… The confusion and anguish that had been eating him alive… Everything…
And so he could no longer ignore the truth he unconsciously tried so hard to suppress.
#IMPOSSIBLE#
"Why?" Edward's voice was vacillating, and he looked suddenly nervous.
Jasper blinked more than necessary, as if waking up from a daze, realizing he had to explain to his brother everything he had gone through, and what he had found out in the end, before simply telling him not to ask Emmett to be his boyfriend.
With a calm he didn't actually feel, Jasper turned and strode to the door, closed and locked it. Then he went back to Edward, stopping five inches from him.
He craned his neck and looked deeply into the gray eyes as he took his brother's hand and placed the key in his palm.
Edward closed his hand automatically and Jasper let go of it, allowing himself, for the very first time, to fully embrace the intense pull he was feeling toward the shirtless man before him. Both siblings were way beyond nervous at that point, but the eldest was the only one feeling also confused.
"There's something I need to do…" Jasper whispered as his eyes softened. "Before I explain everything."
"What's it?" Edward asked in the same tone, his eyes involuntarily focused on Jasper's lips.
"Please don't freak out." He practically pleaded. "I just need to be absolutely sure."
Edward raised his eyes to Jasper's and felt butterflies flooding his stomach as soon as their gazes locked… He knew well that decided stare… His brother had his mind set on whatever he was intending to do.
"Sure of what?" He asked Jasper in a weak voice.
Jasper didn't answer…
Instead, he took his brother off guard by wrapping both his hands firmly around Edward's neck and pulling his head down as tilting his up and clashing their lips together.