A/N: I don't own Hogan's Heroes and I don't get paid for this; it is truly a labor of love.

As always, when an actual scene from the episode are presented, actual dialogue from the scene is included. Cohen's thoughts, of course, are his own.

Major Hochstetter finds out Hogan has finally gone too far..."The Kamikazes are Coming", as only Cohen could experience it.

Things had been getting a little uncomfortable for Major Hochstetter lately, with his Berlin superior Oberstleutnant Schuster being rather unpleasant about General von Rauscher's rocket failure.

Like that was my fault! Still, they always have to blame somebody, and I was the idiot who assumed responsibility for the security of the rocket site.

Cohen was seriously considering preparing a contingency plan for getting out of Hammelburg before the Gestapo came after him, when a routine contact with London opened up a whole new can of worms.

He went to his hidden radio and fired it up. "This is Snow White calling Mama Bear. Come in, Mama Bear."

"Mama Bear here, Snow White. We need you to contact Papa Bear in person ASAP."

"Regarding?"

"A new German rocket is being stored at Stalag 13."

Not another rocket! What is it with the rockets, already?

"Okay, Mama Bear, understood. Will meet with Papa Bear."

He signed off, in a very uneasy mood. Manfred looked up at him inquiringly, and Cohen sighed. "This war is starting to wear on my nerves, Manfred. Gotta go see what Hogan and his crew are up to this time."

An hour later, Cohen climbed down the ladder in the tunnel entrance under the tree stump. He was met at the bottom by Sergeant Baker, who had apparently been waiting for him.

"Glad to see you, Professor. Colonel Hogan is in the radio room."

In the radio room, Hogan came forward to greet Cohen. "Appreciate your coming, Professor. We seem to have a little trouble with a rocket in camp."

"What kind of trouble, Colonel?" Cohen pulled off his gloves and added, "Other than the fact it's a gross violation of the Geneva Convention, of course."

"Well, it looks like the Krauts are planning to fire it from here," said Hogan. "We could just destroy it or alter its direction, but it's a new rocket, and London would love to get its hands on it in order to study it."

Cohen rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I can see why you'd like to appropriate it for the Allies. But how on earth could you possibly get it to London?"

"Ah, now, that's the plan." Hogan's eyes lit up with enthusiasm (always a disturbing sign) and he continued, "It's radio-controlled, you see. We'll just launch it in that direction, unarmed of course, arrange for it to land in the Thames, and Churchill gets an early birthday present."

Cohen eyed Hogan with some alarm. "You can do that?"

"Why not?" Hogan said brazenly. "We've got the inventor and his two technicians right here in camp. Von Bornemann has already lost the damn thing once. We'll just arrange for him to lose it again, and then we can set it up for special delivery to London."

Cohen sighed. "And how to do you plan to lose a V-3 rocket inside a prison camp? Hide it under Klink's bed?"

"Nah, that would be too obvious. We'll move it from the motor pool to the barracks..."

"They won't search the barracks?"

"By that time we'll have moved it to the recreation hall."

"Don't tell me. When they go to search the recreation hall..."

"We'll have moved it to the bakery."

"And when they search the bakery?"

"We'll have it back in the recreation hall."

"And what will keep them from searching the recreation hall again?"

Hogan gave him a beatific smile. "Why, our friendly neighborhood Gestapo Major—who else?"

Cohen groaned. "Let me guess. I take everybody off on some wild-goose chase while you launch the rocket?"

Hogan smirked. "And they say the Gestapo has no imagination."

"I can imagine I will have to be a prize idiot again."

"But you do it so well..." Hogan wheedled.

"Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, exploit my only talent." Cohen thought for a moment, then asked, "How did that rocket end up in camp, anyway?"

Hogan looked a little embarrassed. "Actually, the Underground found it, and told us about it. Then Marya showed up..."

"It figures. That woman again!"

"You said it. Well, for her own nefarious purposes she wants the rocket in Russian hands, so she blackmailed me into revealing the location of the rocket to the Krauts, and the Krauts hauled it into camp."

Cohen was curious. "If she wants it in Russian hands, how are you going to get her to agree to send it to London?"

"Oh, we'll just flip for it." Hogan showed Cohen an American quarter—unremarkable, except that it had heads on both sides.

"Serves her right," said Cohen. He paused thoughtfully. "Well, at least she got it into camp for you, or we wouldn't be having this conversation. How did she blackmail you, anyway?"

Hogan shrugged. "Same way she always does. Threatens to uncover our whole operation."

"Oh."

I guess I never really realized what a heavy load Hogan bears here. He's so insouciant in almost every situation, I forget that he has plenty of worries. No need to burden him with mine.

"Well, Colonel, you need a wild-goose chase, you got one. What time do you want me here?"

And now we join the episode, already in progress...

True to his word, Cohen was in Colonel Klink's office the next evening, interrogating Dr. von Bornemann about his missing rocket. The mysterious Marya was also present, as well as Klink, Schultz, and a couple of Cohen's men.

Cohen started out mildly, addressing a smiling von Bornemann as he lounged casually against Klink's desk. "So, von Bornemann, the super-weapon, eh, the weapon we are counting on to win the war."

"That is correct, Major Hochstetter," replied the unruffled von Bornemann.

Cohen changed his tone abruptly, glaring at the hapless scientist. "AND YOU HAVE LOST IT! HOW?"

"The first time or the second time?" inquired Klink.

Cohen turned on Klink. "What are we dealing with here—a giant rocket or a child's skate key?"

You know, with incompetence like this, it's a wonder to me the Nazis have held out this long. Who knows what would have happened if they actually knew what they were doing?

"I just want to get it on the record, Major Hochstetter, that the first time I was completely out of the picture," said Klink.

Cohen pounced. "Aha! Then you admit guilt the second time, eh?"

Klink still had a smile pasted to his face. "No, no, no, Major Hochstetter, I am bending every effort to find it."

"Klink, stay out of this, or you will find out about...bending." Cohen made a threatening gesture with one fist toward Klink, and then turned to the scientist with an exasperated sigh. "Von Bornemann, once more, eh? What has been done here about finding it? You did look for it?"

"Ja, ja, ja. We have searched every building—the recreation hall, the bakery, the barracks. Everywhere."

Idiots! Serial searching for a moving target! Why the hell didn't they just split up and search the whole place at once? Ah, well—I just keep telling myself this is why the Allies are winning the war.

"Well, then, we will just search again." Cohen turned to the Kommandant and added sarcastically, "Unless, Klink, someone carried it out through the main gate."

Klink laughed weakly. "If they did, they certainly did it without my permission."

"KLINK!"

"What did I say?" Klink backed away in confusion.

Right on cue, Colonel Hogan burst into Klink's office. "Hi! Anybody find our rocket yet?"

Amazing how Hogan annoys me just by walking in the room. And to think poor Klink has to deal with him every day!

As usual, Cohen seized the opportunity to vent his pent-up frustration. "WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE!"

"Major Hochstetter!" Hogan greeted Cohen with an effusive manner worthy of Klink himself. "Just the man we need here."

"Me? Which side is what here?" Cohen's bewilderment was real. Also as usual, Hogan hadn't told him what his approach would be.

Marya shrugged, and offered a typically outrageous explanation: "Hogan has defected, Hochstetter."

Oh, hell, what next? Defected, indeed. I just can't keep up with this guy!

"Then let him un-defect!" Cohen growled. "We have got enough trouble now."

At the sight of Hogan Von Bornemann had leapt up from his chair, clearly agitated. "I thought every prisoner was confined to barracks, Klink!"

Klink turned and eyed Schultz sternly. "Why aren't you guarding the barracks, Schultz?"

"Well, Herr Kommandant, I thought she was guarding the barracks." He nodded toward Marya, and Marya just smiled.

The situation was deteriorating rapidly and there was only one thing to do, Cohen decided.

"EVERYBODY IS UNDER ARREST!"

"Wise precaution, Major," said Hogan. "Security comes first. My information on the rocket can wait." He turned to leave the office.

"Wait!" Cohen said, recognizing his cue. "What information on the rocket?"

Hogan came back into the room with an air of reluctance. "Probably nothing, but just earlier this evening I saw some men taking it through the fence."

There are just no limits to my gullibility, are there? Well, I knew I was going to be the idiot in this scenario.

Cohen glared at Hogan. "You will take me there now. If this is a trick, heads will roll! Even if this is not a trick, heads will roll!"

"I certainly feel better with you in charge, sir."

Cohen made a sound of disgust and flung the office door open. The entire entourage followed him out into the compound and into the cold night air. After a few moments Hogan led them to a section of the fence outside Barracks 12.

He pointed toward the fence. "They went through right about here..."

"Nonsense!" Cohen said. "How could they?"

"That's a good question." Hogan put a hand to one of the fence supports, and the entire section of fence fell down.

For a moment the assembled group just stared at the fallen fence. Then...

"After them!" shouted Cohen. "Every available man!"

Now, this is just stupid. Send out all of my men, leaving the compound unguarded? No one in their right mind would do such a thing! But I guess that's why Hogan chose me for the job.

All of the guards, Gestapo and stalag, poured through the gap in the fence, followed by Cohen himself, after he less than politely declined Hogan's assistance with the search.

Let the wild-goose chase begin.

Cohen pushed his way through the underbrush and between the trees surrounding Stalag 13, and paused where he could get a good view. Noises of men fruitlessly searching the woods nearby reassured him that the guards were all occupied.

It seemed like forever, but it was probably only twenty minutes or so when a roaring was heard, and the rocket could be seen emerging from the roof of the recreation hall and then tearing across the night sky.

Wow, there she goes. Hope it ends up where Hogan wants it to be. And that he managed to disarm it before he launched the damn thing!

Cohen rounded up his crew and they all made their way back to Stalag 13. A few minutes later he met with Hogan and Klink in the Kommandant's office, where Hogan, as usual, had a glib explanation ready for the whole fiasco. But Cohen had a hard time trying to pretend belief in the ridiculous story, which was even more incredible than the idiotic "the war's over, so please release your Underground prisoners" scheme.

"Three traitors committed suicide by blasting off in their own rocket?" Cohen said, exasperated. "Nonsense! Who would believe this?"

Schuster won't, I can tell you that. Please, please give me something better to work with than this!

"It has the virtue of simplicity, Major," Hogan told him.

"I am not that simple. What happened to the woman? How did three men do all that without any help? And why should they commit suicide when no one even suspected them?"

"Ah, come on, Major—you were getting too close to the truth. They panicked."

Klink shook his head. "Completely unbelievable, Hogan."

For once Klink's right. But...I make it a policy never to agree with Klink.

"Why?" said Cohen, glaring at the Kommandant.

Klink quickly backtracked. "Why not? Excellent work, Major Hochstetter. My congratulations."

"Of course, Berlin will not be happy about losing the V-3," Cohen mused.

And guess who's gonna get blamed for it. ME!

Hogan sighed theatrically. "I know exactly how you feel, Major."

Cohen walked over to him and looked him in the eye. "How could you know how I feel, Hogan?"

Hogan had an answer for that, all right. "You lost a super-weapon, and we lost a recreation hall."

Cohen shook his finger at Hogan, and he wasn't kidding when he said, "Hogan, one of these days you will go too far."

Klink rose and joined the other two men. "Yes, Hogan, too far."

Hogan paused, with a thoughtful look on his face. "You know something? I think you're right."

And I have the feeling today was the day. This is not gonna be pretty...

Sure enough, the first thing Cohen noticed when returning to headquarters in Hammelburg was the phone ringing...ringing as though it had been ringing for a long, long while.

Grimacing, he picked up the receiver, not surprised to hear Schuster's voice on the line.

"HOCHSTETTER!"