I am determined to finish this. The only way I'll do it is if I write/release all this parts at once, that way I can't put it off any more…
Gundam Wing does not belong to me. This fic contains shounen ai, cursing, and angst. But if you've gotten to this part of the fic, I'm sure you knew that already.
(additional warning: dialogue heavy. Very dialogue heavy.)
Giving Away an Angel – Part 13
By Shinigami no Kamikaze
When Quatre got to this hospital that morning, he discovered Duo's room was empty. His heart skipped a beat, but before his mind could envision any reason why, he heard a voice clear behind him.
"Mr. Winner…?"
Quatre whipped around to see a young uniformed woman, "I was told to wait for you. Please come with me."
Too confused and worried to argue, Quatre did as he was told. Unknown to him, Trowa followed closely behind.
She lead them to outside a private waiting room. She opened the door carefully, Quatre overheard her say, "He's here."
"Then show him in." Wufei's voice was sharp.
Opening the door, the woman motioned Quatre in, then left the room, shutting the door behind her. This left the blonde staring into angry and anxious onyx eyes.
"What is going on? Where's Duo?"
"I tried to reach you by phone as soon as I could, but you'd already left for the hospit—"
"Where is Duo?" Quatre demanded. The exact same thought was on Trowa's mind.
"…He injured himself. He went back into surgery at 3:36 am… if things go well, they expect him to be in the recovery room shortly."
"What?!" Quatre said, his voice rising, "How?"
"He left his room to see Heero."
"What?" Trowa exclaimed with shock. What had Duo been thinking? Quatre's expression betrayed the fact he did not understand, either.
"Why?" the blond asked.
Wufei sighed, "According to Heero, it was to ask him 'why'…but, to hear the answer from Duo… we will have to wait."
Quatre sat down slowly into one of the seats, his mind trying to sort everything out. Duo wouldn't talk to him. Duo wouldn't open up to him. But he'd risked his life to see Heero again, to ask the question they all wanted to know the answer to…
Trowa hands tightened up into fists. Damn it! He should have stayed with Duo. He knew Duo was hurting, was vulnerable… but Trowa had left him alone. If he'd been there, maybe he could have alerted someone before Duo hurt himself too badly… Maybe he could have prevented this.
So once again the three of them found themselves waiting, helpless, as Duo's life lay in the balance.
---
Pain greeted Duo as he started to come around. Eyes cracking open, he realized with no small amount of despair that they had saved him. Again.
Quatre saw that despair in his eyes, and it broke his heart. "Duo…" he started softly. Then he watched Duo start, and saw the barriers fall back into place. He wanted to tell Duo to stop withdrawing, but it hadn't worked in the past. Perhaps he was going about this the wrong way.
So he continued on, "Wufei's put a guard outside your room, for your protection and so you don't try anything like that again. He's also put guards he can trust on Heero's room…"
Duo's eyes flickered a bit as they drifted away from Quatre. The doctors had told him they'd used stronger medications to keep Duo from moving too much and tearing open his sutures again. They'd warned him that it would probably decrease his attention span, and that he'd wear out faster.
"Duo?"
"What?" Duo asked flatly, his eyes returning to Quatre.
"Did you hear me?"
"Yeah… guards.. sure…" Duo said softly, eyes wandering away again.
Quatre sighed softly. "Duo, why did you do it? Why did you hurt yourself to see him?"
"Because I… I needed to see. I needed to see if he was okay."
"Why didn't you just ask me?" Quatre asked, worry and fear plain in his voice, "What if he… what if you were hurt?"
"…. I needed to see," Duo repeated meekly.
"Why don't you trust me? Please, Duo…. Just tell me that much." Quatre pleaded.
"…. It's nothing you did.. it's not your fault… I just…" Duo stopped. What was he doing? He couldn't tell Quatre… he couldn't let anyone in.
"What, Duo? What is it?" Quatre was so close. He could hear the wavering in Duo's voice. Why was he still holding back? What was so terrible that he was willing to let it rip him apart?
Quatre watched as Duo's eyes shifted off the blonde, looking just past him. Turning back, Quatre could see the silhouette of the guard in the doorway. Without a word from Duo, Quatre went to dismiss the guard, cursing himself for not having done so in the first place. If Duo wouldn't open up to him alone, why would he when there was a stranger listening in? Quatre was capable enough to watch Duo without the aide of the guard.
"I'm sorry, but my order--" The guard started but stopped dead when he saw the icey glare Quatre gave him.
"Tell Wufei, if you must. But while I am here, you are not needed," he said harshly under his breath.
The guard looked uncertain. "I will ask for confirmation..." He looked reluctant to leave his post, which was to his credit, but ended up surrendering to Quatre's demand. Quatre watched him walk down the hall, then shut the door behind him as he went back into the room.
"We're alone..." Quarte said as he went back to Duo's side, "So, please… tell me, why can't you talk to me?"
Duo turned his head away from Quatre with a wince. He didn't want to tell Quatre, but didn't the blonde deserve to know? Maybe then he'd finally understand. Maybe then he'd leave Duo like all the others did… but there'd be one critical difference: he'd still be alive.
"…Can't trust…" Duo started softly, "… can't, because.. because… they always die…"
Quatre strained to hear. "Who…?"
"Everyone. Everyone who's ever cared for me…" Duo whispered, feeling the tears returning to his eyes. "Don't you get it? …I'm not worthy of anyone's love! …I always end up getting them hurt.. or worse…"
"Duo… That isn't true—"
Duo turned back suddenly to face Quatre, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears, filled with such hopelessness. "No! You don't understand! You can't know…"
"I would if you'd just tell me!"
"…no… I don't want you to get hurt, too… don't want anymore.."
"Duo! I will be fine, jus—"
"No!" Duo cried again, "No one is safe… no one…. Not even Heero!" At the mention of his lover's name, the tears broke free and he gave a shuddering sob. He tried to regain control of himself, but, in the end, he lay there, trembling, tears running down his cheeks.
"Oh, Duo…" Quatre began, unable to think of anything to say to convince Duo that he couldn't hurt him, but he couldn't just sit by and watch Duo suffer like this. Knowing what happened the last time he tried to touch Duo, Quatre carefully reached his hand out, wanting to do something to let Duo he wasn't alone. Gently he laid his hand on Duo's back. The braided boy didn't even seem to notice as he fought against the sobs. Quatre began to rub his back in slow circles, reassuring Duo all the while.
When Duo's tears became more infrequent, his breaths more even, Quatre told him softly, "Duo, please… you can't keep this all inside yourself. It will end up destroying you..." Quatre felt as tears began to form at the edges of his own eyes, "…and I can't allow that. I. can't. lose. you. Don't you see, Duo? Please… I can't lose you, too…"
Duo glanced up into Quatre's deep blue eyes and saw the pain there. He looked back down at the hospital sheets, ashamed. He didn't want Quatre to be hurt, but it seemed too late. He didn't want Quatre to have to go through this over someone as worthless as he was! But Quatre was too caring for his own good…
Maybe if he told Quatre what he wanted to know… if Quatre heard about all he'd done… maybe then he'd be horrified. Maybe then he'd abandon Duo. He didn't want to see hate in those beautiful eyes, but even if he saw what he wanted… no. He wouldn't be selfish and doom Quatre to the fate the others suffered.
"… I … I was orphaned when I was really young… can't really remember my parents… I grew up on the streets. The only reason I survived those early years was 'cause of a gang of other orphans lead by this kid named Solo. He found me scavenging in some back alley… I was pretty weak by then; I hadn't had a real meal in… .. …well, he let me have some food he'd stolen off some vendor. He adopted me into his 'family', taught me how to survive… He was like a brother to me."
The words started to come faster, spilling out from him with wills of their own. He wouldn't have been able to stop himself even if he tried. "Then the sickness came. Disease was always a big problem in that colony, but this one was different… It didn't just kill the weak, the old… it didn't just kill us gutterrats in the streets… it spread like wild fire, killing regardless of class or age. The colony government rushed to get a vaccine, but there wasn't enough. They charged for it, disturbed it in the good neighborhoods. I mean, who cared if street urchins died by the shuttleloads?
Trowa remembered Duo's nightmare—no, Duo's memory… the broken syringe… the screaming…
Duo didn't stop, feeling strangely detached from it all. Like he was watching someone else expose his past. He felt so hallow... so empty. "They started to publicly hang those who tried to steal the vaccine, letting us watch as they died slowly, as a warning to us all… but… but I couldn't just lay down and die quietly like they expected! I went to steal some of the vaccine… I can't even remember how I managed to pull it off… but by the time I got back to others, we could already hear the rattling in Solo's breath… I tried to give it to him anyway, in the vain hope that the disease wouldn't run it's course… but it didn't matter.. I'd been too late… he died, while I could do nothing but watch… just like my parents.."
Both Quatre and Trowa were horrified by the description of Duo's colony. They had never known things had gotten so bad on L2… but, with communication between the colonies forbidden, and surviving records for the period having already survived the loving hands of Alliance censors…
"Duo…" Quatre tried to begin.
"It didn't end there. Fewer shuttles were willing to deliver supplies to our colony while the disease was still lingering. Food was running short. The only people who seemed to have any were the Alliance soldiers stationed there… desperate, what was left of Solo's gang tried to steal from them. They caught us. They might have even executed us, had it not been for Father Maxwell…
"He and Sister Helen ran this orphanage at their church… while the famine continued, they shared what they had with us. Things got better, eventually. Life started to return to normal… Couples started coming to adopt. I watched as the other kids got to go to homes. I was left behind… too rowdy, too loud mouthed… But that didn't seem to matter to Sister Helen or Father Maxwell. When I sat up in my bed and cried, she would come to comfort me… if I got hurt, she'd bandage me. I felt safe for the first time in my life…
"But we weren't left in peace. Revolutionaries… selfish, hypocritical bastards unwilling to risk themselves… took our church hostage, demanding a mobile suit from the Alliance base. I knew the Alliance's cruelty… I'd seen it on the gallows during the plague… I knew that Father Maxwell and Sister Helen couldn't be involved with these people. They tried to reason with the rebels, but it was no use… so I slipped away to steal the suit the rebels wanted, so they'd just leave us alone.
"The Alliance base is a blur in my memory… by some miracle or force of will, I got my hands on a Leo… but, by the time I got back..." Duo couldn't feel detached anymore. The memories were too vivid, too horrible. All those nightmares… the flames… the acrid smell… The tears returned, and they threatened to drown out the rest of his words.
Quatre said nothing, and he gently placed a hand over one of Duo's. Duo drew back, and Quatre let him. "Duo, you don't have to force yourself.."
Duo shook his head, though it hurt to do it; his throat was too choked up for him to say anything. He was too far now… Quatre had to know what he was getting into, had to know the ruination that followed at Duo's heels. Finally, Duo managed to get a tenuous hold over himself again.
"… th-there were.. there were only cinders left… th-those bastards.. to get to the rebels, they destroyed the entire church!" Anger fed into Duo's strength as he went on, "Th-they didn't give a damn about Sister Helen or Father Maxwell or any of the others there who didn't have anything to do with the rebels… the ones who only wanted peace… They were all killed. I was too late… too late to change anything. Now matter what I do… no matter how hard I try—" Duo's voice broke, and it was a few moments more before he could continue.
"I… I ran from the Leo into the still burning ruins.. I found Sister Helen. With her last breath, she… s-she blessed me. I'd never really taken her God seriously 'til then. Then I screamed. I screamed out to him… Why wouldn't He take me with them? Why was I left alone?
"I was answered. One of the support beams fell, and it pinned me to ground… it was still hot from the attack, and it made my side burn with agony… but in that moment, I believed. He'd heard me. He'd listened. I passed out, thinking I would get to go with them… that I'd finally see Solo again…
"But I woke up." There was no hiding the bitterness in Duo's words.
"I spent a week fevered, drifting in and out of consciousness… but even in my condition, I knew I was alone. Sister Helen wasn't there to make it better. Father Maxwell wasn't there to chase the demons away. Solo wasn't there to make me laugh. My parents weren't there… they never had been…" Then Duo had no choice but to surrender to the sobs. He couldn't fight it anymore. He wept helplessly, lost in the flames of his youth. "They'd still be here if it weren't for me! If I'd've been faster… if I'd never been there at all…"
Tears were running down Quatre's face. Never could he have imagined how much Duo hated himself… how much guilt he felt all these years… the burdens he'd carried. It wasn't fair. Duo never should have had to suffer like that… what was worse; Duo should never have to believe that he deserved to suffer like that.
Quatre leaned forward, and caught the wounded American in a gentle embrace. Duo was too weak to fight Quatre's attempts to comfort him anymore, lost to his despair. Quatre kept repeating, "It's alright Duo… it wasn't your fault… it's alright." If Duo even heard Quatre, he gave no indication of it, as continued to cry until sleep claimed him.
Setting Duo back down against the pillows, Quatre gazed at his bruised and tear streaked face. "I'm not going to abandon you."
"No…" Trowa put an invisible hand over Duo's, "We won't."
---
"You can't watch him 24 hours a day."
"You can't leave him alone with strangers," Quatre said as harshly as he could while keeping his volume low. Due to his refusal to leave Duo's side, he was forcing Wufei to have this conversation here, by Duo's bedside, while the boy slept.
"You aren't even armed…" Wufei started.
"I'm sure you could see to it that's changed," Quatre said stubbornly. He couldn't risk being away from Duo's side while he was like this. Last night he'd finally let some of that pain out… If Duo retreated back inside himself again, Quatre wasn't sure he could get him back.
"You still can't stay awake all the time, even if you're allowed to stay here 24 hours a day. If someone gets the drop on you, or Duo slips out again—"
"I won't allow—"
"Let me finish," Wufei said with some irritation, "We can't take any risks with Duo like this. If you won't let strangers guard him, would you allow Sally and I take the other two shifts?"
Quatre hesitated. If Duo took Wufei's brusque manner the wrong way… "Wufei, I know you mean well—"
Wufei's expression softened, "Quatre, I know you're worried about Duo's state of mind. So am I. I am not blind, nor without compassion. I can be gentle."
Looking into Wufei's eyes, Quatre knew it was the truth. "I am sorry I doubted you."
"It's alright. Now rest. Sally and I will watch him while you sleep." Like Wufei had said, he was not blind. He saw the redness of Quatre's eyes.
"I will not leave." Quatre said, ready to argue anew.
"I did not ask you to. Take the chair. It will not be comfortable, but there isn't room for another bed."
Quatre smiled, "Thanks."
Wufei just nodded slightly in acknowledgement as Quatre settled in.
---
Quatre sat watching every rise and fall of Duo's chest. He was watching Duo alone, at the moment. When he'd woken, Sally had been there. She'd brought him breakfast. When he was finished, she allowed him to continue watching on his own.
It had been at least 16 hours since Duo was awake last. The doctors assured him it was nothing to be concerned about; the drugs tended to have that affect.
Trowa had stayed awake the entire time. Unless he exerted his minor powers as a.. a ghost? … he did not need to rest. Again he'd tried to enter Duo's dreams, but nothing was there. He had left Quatre undisturbed as well; Trowa wanted to allow the blonde to get used to him not being there. Besides, Quatre understood matters of the heart far better than he did. There wasn't any advice, any extra insight, he could offer Quatre anymore. Not after they had both had heard Duo's story…
'How did you hide so much pain behind that smile of yours?'
He'd done all he could for the moment. How it hurt to simply watch them, knowing he wasn't a part of their world anymore… It was all out of his hands.
There was a soft moan which immediately caught Quatre and Trowas' attention.
Once more, Duo opened his eyes. How many more times would he have to wake u…? he wondered. His throat felt raw, his eyes crusty… then he remembered. He remembered all he told Quatre. He remembered breaking down in tears. A soft whimper escaped his throat. How many people would he lose..?
"Duo?"
Duo's eye's widened. Quatre's voice? Looking over, he caught Quatre's eyes with his own. "You… you're here..?"
"Yes. I'm not leaving you," Quatre said with a soft smile.
"But…"
"No but's, Duo. I've made my decision." Then Quatre leaned in closer, eyes pleading with Duo to listen, "Duo, those people's deaths were not your fault. It wasn't because you did anything wrong. What happened was horrible, but you don't have to carry their deaths around like weights on your soul. It wasn't because of you. You did everything you could and more to help them… but, no matter how hard we try, we can't protect the people we love from everything." Tears stung his eyes as he thought of his father, his sister… of Trowa.
"But—"
"Duo, why are you punishing
yourself? Do you think it will make
those who loved you happy?"
"Quatre…" Trowa said
softly, "Do you finally understand..?"
"I… I…" Duo stammered, remembering Sister Helen… how she would dry his tears if he scraped his knee, would rock him gently when he had nightmares… If she saw him like this, he knew how she's react; she'd cry. He began to whimper again… he tried to be stronger. He didn't want to give in to any more tears.
Quatre saw the conflict in Duo's eyes. "Don't hold it in anymore, Duo, it's killing you. It's alright to mourn them. It's alright to grieve… it's the only way you'll be able to move on." He offered his arms to Duo, and Duo threw himself willingly into the embrace, starting into another fit of sobs.
Quatre rubbed his back gently and hushed him while he cried himself out for the second time… When Duo was exhausted, too tired to shed any more tears, the aching of his bruised and broken ribs too great to heave any more sobs, he whispered against Quatre's chest, "…then, why, Quatre? If I didn't deserve it, why did he do this to me…?"
Quatre winced when he heard the pain in Duo's words, "I wish I could give you a good answer, Duo, but don't ever believe you deserved this. You didn't. He had no right to hurt you…" He would have continued, but Duo had fallen asleep in his arms again. He wondered how many of his words the young American would remember, and how many he would take to heart.
"You're worth so much more than you seem to believe," Quatre said quietly to the sleeping boy, holding on to him for awhile longer. "But, I'll make sure that you learn." He'd be foolish to think Duo would be alright after two nights of crying... this was only the start. All he could do, for the moment, was pray that Duo could recover from this.
Trowa stood in the corner, watching the two of them. When he heard Quatre's soft words, he couldn't help but smile. There was a long road ahead of the both of them, but in that moment, seeing the two of them together… it seemed right. If only it hadn't been for the bruises marring Duo's skin, the trails of drying tears down his cheeks, the soft beeping of the hospital equipment... it would have been perfect.
~~~end
…I will finish… I will!
Reviews always appreciated.
Shinigami no kamikaze
shinigaminokamikaze@yahoo.com