I know it's not technically Tuesday (it's like 11:30pm here) but idk if I'll get time tomorrow so... be warned this chapter is v. angsty so watch out for any triggers particularly concerning family issues. Hope you enjoy.

Alec was functioning, Izzy would give him that. He was getting up. He was getting dressed. He was eating. He was smiling and he was going to work. To most people there was no change to be seen, a straight line on the heart monitor. But Izzy wasn't most people. She and Alec were entwined; inevitably. I'll be there for you. She could see the robotic nature. Eat. Sleep. Repeat. He was putting on a façade during the day, but at night he was breaking into small pieces. He's crying at night. Aline had whispered into the phone. I don't know how to help him.

Neither did Izzy. She sensed it was a little more than a regular break-up (not that Alec had ever had many break-ups or relationships). The lies had dredged up the past for Alec, and she felt the same kind of helplessness she had felt as a child, watching her brother go to pieces, watching him wrapped in the darkness and shadows of that house, and having absolutely no power. Alec had thanked her a thousand times for what she did, but to her it was the bare minimum, I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me. Till the end of my days. For Izzy it was years of watching him struggle, of being powerless. And that's how she felt now, the same demons dragged from the lake, the same unwinnable battle. And she felt a stab of fear; for as much as Alec had tried to escape his inner small child, clinging to a teddy, peeking round corners, she had tried to get rid of her inner child; the one who sat at the top of the stairs, knees tucked against her chest, the one who watched her brother as he sank inside, the one who understood nothing and everything all at the same time. A shadowed, smaller self that flickered within her, even now.

She had tried several times to help Alec. She got him out the house, she dragged him to cafés, but all he did was smile, I'm okay, Iz, I promise. More lies. She dragged him out to a club, a smile plastered to his face. But she could see behind that, the cracked mirror image, the flicker of sadness, of fear.

Alec had never lied to Helen before. But that night he did.

"What happened between you two?" she said, her legs curled up to her chest, leaning against the kitchen wall perched on the counter top. The classic heart-to-heart session, Aline on a night shoot. Several cardboard boxes covered the floor, Helen had been moving in all week. Aline offered to delay it, the unspoken words hanging in the air, because of… you know. But Alec had insisted, trying to throw himself into helping, only it turned out Helen didn't own much. Alec didn't really know what he had been expecting. Light as a feather.

"Not much" he stared at the floor, his eyes boring into a crack on a tile, Aline you did not just crack the floor, the landlord is going to kill us, "The usual stuff you know" he tried to keep his voice steady, "we're just not compatible." He said, repeating a line he'd heard over and over again in the films, fake love, fake faces, setting the barriers for real flesh and blood.

He hated lying to her. Helen had never been anything but honest, and he had always been honest to her. He cherished that honesty. It was his lifeline, his foundation. His new life was built upon honesty, but here came the foundation of lies twisted into his shadows, his old life was coming back to haunt him, creeping one step at a time.

"Oh" Helen said, not wanting to push him but Alec could see the look in her eyes, the crinkle of her eyebrows when she thought he wasn't looking, that look had followed him everywhere recently. Helen reached out to put her arms around Alec and he could hear her heart beating a perfect rhythm.

He'd been dreaming of Max recently, of his small body cuddled against his own. The beat of his heart, of his big toothless grin looking up at him, his hair tangled and knotted and way too long for a boy. My biggest regret. The guilt was seeping into the cracked crevices. He couldn't take it any longer.

Clary resisted the urge to say are you okay? The dark under his eyes said it all. Instead she just unpacked her make-up and worked on covering them up, making jokes inappropriately loudly.

"There you go, ready to go" This was the fourth shoot Alec had done this week. Clary knew Alec had been warding off the job offers in the last few months. Since meeting and being seen with Magnus his job offers had tripled, a big break. But Alec had taken just the regular amount, enough to keep afloat (or keep sinking at the same old speed). Maybe he didn't want to get his fame from Magnus or maybe he was just trying to keep up a semblance of normalcy, cling onto life as he knew it. Clary could see him working very hard to maintain his life, plastering the cracks as quick as they came. She didn't know it all, but she had caught snatches from late night talks between him and Jace, she had had glimpses of the darkness that lived inside him. There's a torment within us all, a storm that's threatening to tear us apart. But for the last week Alec had accepted every single job offer, working twelve or so hours every single day. Clary guessed it was easier for him to fill his schedule up. Just keep moving. And it never happened.

"Hey Alec, dude." Jace said, pulling him into a bear hug,

"Don't mess up his hair Jace it just took two hours!" Clary joked, Jace leaning down to mess up Clary's hair instead, resulting in a fake-stern look from behind her red hair.

"You look great man." Jace said, pulling Clary into a side hug, "Really, go knock em dead."

"Thanks" Alec said, half-smiling.

"Hi Mr Lightwood" the man extended his hand, he was significantly shorter than Alec, and from his height he could see that he was beginning to go bald, teetering on a-necessary-cap territory.

"You can call me Alec." he said, a half-smile

"I'm the photographer for today," the man grinned, "so if you're ready we'll get started." he paused for a second, "You're Magnus' boyfriend right?"

Clary saw Alec's face drop, getting whiter and whiter as she saw him take a small step back. Fuck. The man was seemingly oblivious to Alec's reaction,

"I worked with him once, what a visionary, very precise though, knew exactly how he wanted everyone posed, how he wanted the lights, the angles…"

She could see the flicker of pain run over Alec's face, and she walked forward,

"Sorry Mr Hill, I just need Alec for another second?"

"Of course of course"

She dragged him away, the wide eyed look still plastered on his face, his arm noticeably limp as she hooked it into her own, she pulled him back into the make-up area.

"You okay?" Clary said, softly, running her thumb over his cheeks, Jace stood back a little his eyes full of concern. And something else. Fury. Jace looked as if he wanted to burn the world down, as if he wanted revenge, on whatever had done this to Alec. Ride or die. Brothers for life. Clary had told Alec that Jace didn't let many people in, but once he did you were family, and there was nothing he wouldn't do to help you. Never had those words rang truer for Alec, he could feel his fury across the room.

His friends encircling him, caring about him, wanting him to be okay.

And with that Alec's façade cracked, letting water spill down, he buried his head into Clary's shoulder and sobbed and sobbed.

I can't do this.

Of course you can, you're the strongest person I know.

He stood outside the building, shifting from foot to foot, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. It brought back all kinds of memories, the high windows that wouldn't open, the cracked brickwork, the peeling paint across the gate and fences. High school. A whole lifetime ago.

Kids began to pour out, a sea of blue uniforms and black backpacks, people laughing, people shuffling their feet. People with their heads down, focused only on getting home, on shedding the school-skin. He scanned the faces. He had to be here. He had to recognise him.

And there he was.

His hair was as ruffled as always, his face freckled and smiling, knocking against the shoulder of another boy, laughing.

Maybe I shouldn't be here. He's happy. Maybe this is a bad idea. Maybe.

He couldn't help himself, "Max!" he couldn't hear him. "Max!"

Max turned to look at him, a look of confusion passed across his face, "Alec?"

Alec leant awkwardly against the gate, catching quite a lot of stares from the other kids, he was more than used to it, his height and striking black hair was usually enough for people to tilt their heads. You know it's not just your height right? A soft whisper in the darkness, a hand in his own, you're beautiful Alexander Lightwood, and don't you ever forget it. The memory pinched at Alec's throat, at his lungs. He tried to brush it away.

"I'll see you later guys," Max said, waving to his friends, who threw their backpacks over their shoulders and walked away.

"Hey kiddo." Alec said, reaching forward to tousle Max's hair,

"Don't touch me." Max said, a look of anger passing over his face, his lip curling in distaste.

Alec felt a wave of pain go through his chest, "Max?"

"You don't get to do this," he spat, "not now." He stormed off in the opposite direction, Alec keeping fast on his heels.

"Max, what's wrong?"

"Fuck off, Alec, I mean it."

Alec felt his knees weakened. He couldn't do this. He couldn't feel this much, this much pain, this much regret. His baby brother. His biggest regret. He too had turned away from him. In just two conversations his walls had started to crumble, his perfectly constructed life had started to fall away, revealing age old problems, revealing cracks behind layers of wallpaper, hiding the problem doesn't fix it. And now everything was crumbling.

"Max wait…"

Max had jumped over a small stone wall and was standing knee deep in long grass. His top button was untied and his tie was loose, draping down his shirt, his hair was tousled and Alec could see significant holes in his uniform. And on his wrist was a small brown bracelet, woven, I'll be there for you, and you'll be there for me, Till the end of my days. He still wore it. Alec could see the pain in his eyes, dancing across his features, and Alec hurt to think he put that look there, to think he was his father, causing Max to sink inside, he brought the demons out to play. Sun, sun go away, come on back another day.

"What do you want?" he yelled, turning several heads, "I'm here, what do you want from me?!"

"I want to talk to you" Alec said, feeling tears in his eyes, "I want to apologise, I want to be there for you…" he stuttered, his vision blurring, "Like I said I would be, I want to be a brother to you."

Max laughed loud and manically, "You're six years too late, brother. You left remember? You and Izzy couldn't even care enough to call, enough to write, you left mum in pieces, she hasn't been the same since, she pretends she is, but I see it, I see the faked headaches and the hours spent in bed, I see the small pause when she passes your rooms, I see it all Alec. You had no right to do that to me." Max started to cry, falling down into the grass, and Alec leant down to embrace him, to bring him into his chest. Max tried to resist but his sobs were shaking through him, and he gave up, curling up against his brother's chest like he used to when he was young. When he was young and free from the dark.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry Max" Alec cried, running his hands through his hair, "There wasn't one day I didn't think about you" he pushed back his sleeve to reveal an identical bracelet, brown and woven with a promise, "I'll be there for you, I always will be." he choked, "I just got lost, so lost along the way."

"This can't be fixed with words, Alec" Max said, turning to look up at him, the anger fading into sorrow, deep and hollow. "You changed everything, you shaped my life, every bad thing started with you."

"I tried to protect you, I had to leave Max; it was killing me."

"I know." Max said softly, Alec's arms around him still, "It doesn't make it hurt any less. Your pain can't cancel out mine." He spoke with purpose as if he had thought about these words for some time, as if he had shoved words in a bottle, and kept it all inside him, waiting for the day when he again would come face to face with the face that looked so much like his own.

"I know, I know, I wanted to protect you from him, from the same fate."

"Him?" Max looked confused, "Do you mean dad?" He took a deep breath as if preparing to shoot, "He's been my only support in all of this, I'd have given up long ago without him." Alec shuffled back a bit, a shocked look across his face. His image of his father was laced with darkness, a shadow with a face full of anger, a shadow which wove itself into his life, his very being, a shadow who took a piece of him, never to be returned. He could never imagine him being a support post.

"Really?" Alec said in a choked whisper.

"Yeah." Max looked down, "I know he was the reason you left, and Izzy, I don't know exactly what happened, but after you left he changed, not all at once of course, but he became more involved, he stopped making me play football and he came and watched my choir practices, he bought me painting supplies, and he was there for me, when mum was up in bed, when she was in her worse phase he helped me."

Alec felt like a rock hitting the surface, sinking, sinking, sinking, gone deep down under the surface. He couldn't understand how a figure, a figure so dark, a figure he had seen in all of his worse moments could be such a figure of light for Max, could be a hero. People are not one thing. They are everything, they contain multitudes, it just depends what colour they decide to show. The haunting words of Helen, her back against the wall, her feet tucked up to her chest as she sat on the counter, so wise, so beautiful, dripping with every emotion all at once, floating above herself, she was truly something else, and she was everything to Alec.

Alec was silent, his eyes red, his hands shaking. Max looked up at him,

"He misses you, you know."

Alec gulped, feeling a rising panic in his chest. This was all too much. The fog had been pushed back to reveal the lake, black and pure and overwhelming in its vastness.

"He doesn't say it, I think it's too painful but I see him sometimes, late at night, he gets a picture of you, and Izzy, of all of us as a family, and he sets it on the desk, and I see tears in his eyes." Max choked a little on his words and Alec could see he'd been holding all this inside of him for so long, "I think you two are his biggest regret."

You're my biggest regret.

Alec knew the feeling. But it was too much to comprehend. To think that each member of his family were sat in separate areas of the same city, individually breaking, cracking inside and not letting it show. Papering over the cracks with tired wallpaper which was starting to fade. To think of his past, his family, his father, not as a black lake, not as demons or shadows but as complexities. To demonise the past was painful, but it was easy; it had brought Alec solace. It had brought him solace to think of it all as black, to forget him and Izzy and their parents singing loudly in the car to a tune no one can remember, to forget his dad teaching him to throw a ball, to forget running free through fountains of water. It was easier for it to be black. But now it wasn't, now everything contained multitudes, his father was no longer a shadow, but a man with a face, a face that used to sing him to sleep. And Alec, not for the first time that week, felt something break inside him, something open. He was going to have to go home.

I know I know so much angst... I apologise (or do I...?). I promise there will be fluff again in the future it's all part of the story arc :) Please if you enjoyed this feel free to leave a review it does a lot for motivation and I always like to know what people think both positive and negative about what they think about the story where it should go what I'm failing at etc. Anyway hope u have a great day :)