Chapter 14

"Hey, Kevin, can I talk to you for a minute?" Jason asked as they were walking out of the locker room after a particularly long practice.

"What's up?"

Jason slowed his gait and allowed the rest of the team to pass them before he said, "Well with the end of the season coming Coach has been making some decisions on next year's line up. We've got an eye on some decent players from around the country and all that."

He nodded. "Yeah, I know. They haven't stopped talking about that kid from upstate."

"Right. Well he's also really been taking into account the lineup and how we function as a team. And well—he's asked me to be captain."

"That's fantastic! Congratulations man." He meant his congratulations too, Jason was the best option for team captain. He cared about all of the players, made an effort to help everyone when he could, and could keep up on getting information to players quickly.

"Thanks, yeah it's really awesome. But I wanted to talk to you about something."

Kevin had an unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach. While Jason hadn't said anything to the guys about their discussion Sunday morning, all the talk about the lineup made him worry about his welcome on the team next year, part of him still held on hope. He licked his lips and responded, "Yeah?"

"Well, Chris and Jake are graduating this year and I'll need an assistant captain. I was hoping you'd be interested in the position? Coach thinks you're the right choice and he wants you around so that in another year or two you might, you know, take the captain position. If you'd want it."

"Coach wants me to take it?"

Jason nodded. "He's all about putting you to it. He thinks you're good with the other guys and that with the right motivation you could be a good captain."

Kevin sighed. "I dunno man. I was going to tell everyone about—you know, at the end of the year. I've been prepping for the idea of not being welcome on the team anymore."

"I don't give a shit. I told you that. Coach doesn't either—"

Kevin stopped short and grabbed Jason's elbow. "Coach knows?"

"He guessed a couple weeks ago. Asked me if I knew anything. At the time I didn't so I just said you had been with girls Chris had set you up with before. He didn't seem convinced but I mean, I haven't confirmed anything to him."

"So he knows. That's not the same as not caring."

"If he cared don't you think he'd have called you out on it? I mean he called Drew out for drinking so much. And Sam for being high so often. And Jun when he was dating that psycho drama girl who kept him up three nights in a row. If he thought it was going to affect your game or the team, he'd have said something by now."

Kevin chewed his lower lip and started walking again.

"Look, I'm not saying your confession to the rest of the team is going to be easy, but there are some of us who won't give two shits. You're a good player and that's all that matters. And I really want your help with the team next year."

Kevin nodded. "Alright. Yeah. I'll do it. Assuming you're right and it isn't an issue."

Jason clapped a hand on Kevin's shoulder. "Great. Next season is going to be awesome. I can't wait to tell Coach."

"Don't mention that I'm into guys to him yet, okay?"

Jason nodded. "Sure, no problem. I hadn't thought to anyway. I assume you'll tell him at some point though?"

"Yeah. Before the guys probably. Just—you know, not yet."

Jason nodded. He left him outside his building and went on. Kevin made his way slowly up to his dorm, opting to take the stairs over the elevator. He entered the room, expecting Edd to still be in the library working on his hypothesis for his biology class.

"Greetings, Kevin," the nerd said, looking up from his bed.

"Thought you'd be in the library." He dropped his duffle bag by his bed and pulled off his dirty jersey.

"No, I managed to borrow the books I needed and the online research database has been most helpful. I figured I'd rather work in our room than in the library. It's uncomfortable to wear something around my neck so often. Those scarves are somewhat suffocating."

Kevin gave a small smile. "I can understand that."

"What did your teammates have to say about the um marks I left?" Edd asked curiously.

"Well, they were all impressed. And I'm completely off the hook for missing the party. And oh, about half of them wanted your number."

"They wanted my number?" His voice held a shocked awe.

"Don't get any ideas there smarty. They think you're a chick."

Edd shook his head with a grin. "I wasn't getting ideas. I'd like to see the look on their faces if they did get a hold of it and found out that I'm not 'a chick' as you so eloquently put it."

He laughed a little. "Yeah. That would be good."

"How was your practice?"

He shrugged. "Cold mostly. But I think we're close to being ready for the championships."

"That's very good. Maybe Wilhelmina and I will attend to watch."

He smiled more fully. "That'd be great. Jason caught me after practice."

"Oh yes?"

"He wants me to be assistant captain for him next year."

Edd jumped up with a giant smile. He pulled Kevin into a strong hug. "That's wonderful."

Kevin hugged him back. He rested his head in the crook of the taller boy's neck, inhaling his clean scent. He shrugged. "I guess so."

"What's wrong?" The concern in Edd's voice was evident but Kevin didn't let him pull back quite yet.

"It's all assuming I'm still on the team next year. And I'm not sure I will be."

Edd pushed himself gently back to look at Kevin, his smile faltering. "You really, truly don't have to come out. Much as we both dislike being in a closeted relationship, it isn't a big deal in the long run. Your teams—they matter for your college career. And that is a huge impact on your future. Our future if this works out."

Kevin pressed a small kiss to Edd's lips. "I'm going to go shower."

"Alright. That's probably a good idea."

He grinned. "You saying I smell, Dork?"

"There are things in Ed's room that smelled better than you after a soccer practice."

Kevin faked offense. "Alright, alright, I'm going." As he walked down the hall, towel slung over his shoulder and shower supplies in hand, he thought about how lucky he was that Edd could make him laugh when he felt glum.

Edd shook his head as the door closed. He returned to his studies, almost done with the beginning portion of his report. Kevin's worry unsettled him though and he could no longer focus. He decided to change into his pajamas and crawled into Kevin's bed, curling up on top of the comforter with his chemistry book, studying for the next chapter. When Kevin returned, wrapped in a towel, water still streaming off his shoulders, Edd sat up sleepily, eyeing his boyfriend to gauge his mood. He seemed lighter, like the sullenness that had weighed him down so heavily a half hour earlier had washed away like the dirt and sweat, swept down the drain with soap and water. "How're you feeling?" he murmured.

Kevin leaned forward and kissed him softly by way of answering.

Edd smiled. "Good. You had me worried."

"Worried? About what?"

Edd shook his head. "You've been quite preoccupied lately. Especially in all things concerning your athleticism."

Kevin frowned. He started to pull on clothes, dropping his towel on the floor.

Edd pushed himself off the bed and folded the towel neatly before Kevin could get to it, mostly to give his hands something to do.

Kevin fell onto his bed. "You gunna join me up here, Dork?"

He slowly climbed back into bed, wrapping his slight frame around Kevin's more solid build. "Are you quite certain you're feeling alright?"

"I'm sure." He stayed quiet for a time, stroking Edd's hair and the vertebrae between his shoulders. "Sports have always been a part of my life. Don't get me wrong. I never wanted anything other than to play as a kid."

"Then why are you insisting on jeopardizing it? If they're that important to you—"

"Because you're more important. And because I've hidden who I am since I hit puberty and realized that I'm gay. I'm tired of the rouse. It's exhausting pretending to be something you're not. And I'm tired of feeling ashamed of not being 'normal.' I just want to stop hiding. I want to take you out as my boyfriend. I want to just be able to be me for the first time in my life. And if all that means that I have to give up playing on an actual team, that's fine. There are always intramural or city teams."

Edd remained quiet, listening to Kevin's steady heartbeat.

"What I'm trying to say is, it isn't just for you. I'm going to do it for myself too."

He nodded his head. "Alright. Whatever you want to do. I just wanted to be completely certain that you were not sacrificing something you enjoyed greatly for my benefit."

Kevin kissed the top of his head. "No, Dork. Not only for you. But I probably wouldn't do it if we weren't together."

"What do you mean?" Edd didn't want to be the reason Kevin gave up something he so obviously loved.

"Well," he started slowly, his voice heavy, sleep tinging the edges. Edd could hear the hesitation in his voice as well. "If we weren't together, I wouldn't be out to anyone. Which means I'd still be pretending to be straight. I wouldn't have the confidence to even try to come out because—because no one would be there for me if I were—what's the word? Ostrich sized?"

Edd giggled. Kevin was obviously tired from practice. "I think you mean ostracized."

"Right. Thanks. Being with you gives me a reason to finally do it. I don't think I'd be able to do it for anyone else."

"No?"

Edd felt Kevin shake his head.

"May I inquire how long you had been interested in me before you made it known?"

"Since the ninth grade."

"The ninth grade?" The shock was plain in his voice.

Kevin sighed. "Mmmm yeah. Right around there."

"But—but you were with Nazz then. At least—"

"She was kind of the reason I realized I didn't like girls. Not that she isn't great, but like she was the triggering moment that made me think something wasn't right. I had always thought I wanted to be with her and when I realized I didn't it made me think that if I didn't want to be with her, did I really want to be with anyone? And then I started noticing you more, different than before. At first I thought it was something else. But then, it didn't go away. And you turned up when I was sleeping and—"

"You dreamed about me?"

Kevin shrugged. "Yeah. At first they were just dreams about like hanging out with you though. So I thought, 'huh maybe subconsciously I want to be his friend.' But then—never mind." Kevin's abrupt stop and the way his arm tightened around Edd made him curious.

"But then what? What happened that made you know for sure?"

He sighed again. "You do like to embarrass me, don't you, Dork? No I'm kidding, don't argue."

"Then what happened?"

"I had a dream—about you—that was more...R rated you could say. Actually, R rated makes it sound too clean. It was explicit."

Edd nodded. "And that's when you knew for sure?"

"Well...Like I said before, I tried to force it for a while. I didn't necessarily believe it at first, but when the dreams kept coming..." he trailed off. "Eventually I just kind of accepted it and knew."

"So did you know we would be at the same university?"

"No. That was a complete surprise. So was finding out we were rooming together. I thought I'd go off to college and things would be the same as before. That I could ignore everything and keep up the same reputation I'd had in high school."

Edd snuggled into the boy's chest. "I'd say I'm sorry that your plan didn't work out, but that would be a lie at best."

Kevin laughed, his arm instinctively holding Edd closer. "I wouldn't say it either."

"May I—no, never mind."

"What?"

"Please forget I started to say anything at all."

"No what?" Edd felt Kevin pull back and look at his face, which he knew was bright red. "What has you so embarrassed that you can't even ask? You've never been embarrassed of asking a question in the however many years I've known you."

"I just—I wondered what we um did in your dreams."

Kevin laughed and laid back down. "Oh. Sometimes some of what we did the other night. Sometimes more. My imagination is a very...creative space." He laughed again.

Edd was embarrassed but stutteringly asked, "More how?"

"More. Like, you know, uh sex."

Edd nodded. "I—I don't know if—"

He heard Kevin shaking his head over him. "I'm not asking you to. Don't worry. I know things have moved kind of fast. We can slow it down if you want."

He shrugged. "I like where we're at now. Can we stay still for a while?"

"Sure thing, Dork." The smile in his voice warmed Edd and made his stomach flutter.

Edd nodded and his arm and leg tightened around Kevin.

"We—we don't have to ever do that, if you don't want to."

Edd stayed quiet, thinking to himself. "In your dreams, how—how did it go?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," he started slowly. "Who um penetrated whom?" He could feel the heat rising in his cheeks and his voice cracked on the word 'penetrate'.

"Oh." Kevin stayed quiet a moment. "Um. Usually I was the one who uh 'penetrated' you. But I've had others where you were uh giving it to me."

Edd nodded. "You mean, we could do that?"

"I—uh—yeah. If we ever decide to go that far, we can do it that way. If you want."

"Okay." Edd thought about having sex with Kevin, about if he'd be able to or how he'd want it to be if they decided to. He wondered seriously if he'd even be able to do it. Sex had never appealed to him before, the thought too messy to even consider. And the thought of sex with a man—it would probably be messier, filthy perhaps. But with Kevin—he might be willing to try. Eventually. A memory of the other night floated across his mind, a finger placed correctly, massaging a hidden gland with quick sure strokes. Intense pleasure he hadn't suspected possible. It hadn't even seemed to be too unclean—

"You're thinking about it, aren't you?"

"What?"

"Not in a sexual way, but you're thinking of the technical side, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"What're you thinking?"

Edd hesitated. "It could be very messy. Filthy even."

Kevin nodded. "It could."

"But I believe that, eventually, we might be able to try."

"Okay. I'm in no hurry. But I meant it when I said, we don't have to do it at all if you don't want."

Edd smiled and listened to the steady rhythm of Kevin's heartbeat.

Chris eyed Kevin at lunch the next day. Edd had gotten caught up in a project for his biology class, so Kevin ate with his team. He had just settled in to a seat near the end of the table in the back corner of the cafeteria when he felt Chris's eyes on him. No matter how much Chris said he didn't care if Kevin missed the party if he were getting laid, there still hung about him a hint of hate and distrust that Kevin had sensed within the first few weeks of school. He almost wanted to switch his major to psychology so he could begin to dissect the complexities facing him in one overgrown bully.

"What's up with your roommate?" he asked with a sneer, sniffing back snot from an oncoming cold.

Kevin winced at his tone and tried not to gag at the thought of the thick mucus sliding down his throat. "What do you mean?"

"He's always hanging around. And he's such a know-it-all." He wiped his nose on the back of his hand and went back to attacking his sandwich.

"Yeah?" He was beginning to remember vividly one of the many reasons he had stopped eating with his teammates.

Chris gave him an odd, measuring look. "He's in that biology class I have to take to graduate. God he's such a pain in the ass. Him and that art girl he hangs out with so often. You actually like hanging out with him?"

Kevin shrugged, hoping he looked noncommittal. "I've known him since we were in diapers. Our moms were close. Guess I'm used to it." He wanted to say that when Edd spouted off facts and informational tidbits it made his stomach flutter and pulse quicken. That he was pretty sure the more comfortable Edd go with someone, the less often facts slipped out and the more informal his speech patterns became, or he thought it seemed that way. He might have only noticed it all less. And that maybe Chris could use the educational tidbits since he was barely passing any of his classes, including the sophomore biology class that his "annoying roommate" would likely be more than willing to tutor him in if he asked nicely. Instead he took another bite of his burger.

Jason tried to change the subject, but Chris pressed on. "Don't you ever want to beat the shit out of him though?"

Kevin shrugged again. He tried to swallow but his throat wasn't cooperating.

"Least he lets you fuck in the room I guess."

He took a long pull from the glass of water in front of him and managed to get most of the macerated burger down his throat. "He doesn't bother me."

"He'd annoy the fuck out of me," Chris said definitively.

Kevin finally leveled his gaze at his captain, full of steel and anger boiling just under the surface. "Good thing he's my roommate then and not yours, huh?"

Chris rolled his eyes. "I'd want to beat the shit out of him. I'm surprised you haven't yet. Kid's probably a little fag anyway. Might be good to toughen him up."

Jason looked up at their captain. His jaw was set tightly, but Kevin guessed he was the only one who noticed that. "He's not so bad. He's in that history class I'm taking and he's helped me out a couple times when I couldn't remember dates or why one event led to another."

"Whatever. He's still probably a fag." He started to say something about how being gay was unnatural and that 'pussy was where it was at.' He continued on this thread, making comments to make his conservative parents proud. Proclaiming his disgust in homosexuality in every breath. "They all need a good ass kicking. Should do us all a favor and just e—"

Kevin watched Jason clench his fists on the table, his jaw so tight the veins and tendons in his neck bulged, making it look like his head was in danger of actually exploding.

"Hey Jason, I think I forgot that book I was supposed to lend you. It's in my room but I've got class in twenty minutes. Mind coming back to grab it with me?" Kevin threw the rest of his half-eaten burger on his tray and looked pleadingly at his friend.

"Sure," he practically growled.

They left the cafeteria without another word and without looking back at their teammates. Jason nearly broke his plate as he slammed it on the conveyor belt that took it back into the kitchen to be washed. He didn't stop fuming until they were nearly back to Kevin's building. Kevin merely steered him into the elevator and into his room. When the older boy leaned against Kevin's bed he seemed to have contained his rage more and his breathing was almost normal.

"You okay man?"

Jason shook his head. The tendons in his neck still stood out in sharp relief against the softer flesh there and Kevin could still see too much white in his eyes.

"Need a drink?" Kevin asked. He reached under his bed and found the bottle of whiskey he stored there.

Jason grabbed for it and took a long drag off the bottle. "Thanks," he said, wiping the remainder off his mouth with the back of his hand. "Good shit."

Kevin nodded solemnly. "My dad gave it to me before I left for school. Said it was a gift for getting into such a good school."

He gave the bottle back and Kevin returned it to it's hiding spot.

Jason still nearly shook with suppressed fury.

"Man, are you okay? You're angrier than I am, and you're the straight one here."

He shook his head again. His voice was harsh, almost broken, when he said, "My brother tried to commit suicide because of little shits like that. My twin brother tried to kill himself because of assholes like Chris." The fine shake became full wracks against the bed, finally becoming too much as Jason sunk to the floor, holding his head bent between his forearms, gripping the hair at the top of his head.

Kevin didn't know what to say, so he sat on the floor next to him and pulled an arm around his shoulders. Jason's breath was ragged but he didn't think he was crying, he didn't seem to have it in him to sob for the near loss. Either way, Kevin held his friend as he shook, and when Jason finally started to talk, he listened.

"It was last year. He went to a school a couple hours from here. He's in art school. He's really good. College's been the first time we've been separated, ya know? So I didn't know he was getting shit for it. Even during the summer between freshman and sophomore year he didn't say anything. Just before Thanksgiving I got a call from my parents that he had tried—he had attempted—he was in the hospital. His roommate wasn't supposed to be back that night but had forgotten something I guess. He's the one who called 911. The note—the note explained it all. I almost lost my twin because fuckers like Chris can't get it through their heads that normal isn't really a fucking thing."

Kevin didn't want to ask but he felt like he needed to know. "Is—is he—okay?"

Jason nodded. His breathing was stabilizing and the shake was subsiding. "They managed to save him. He's back at the university at home, living with Mom and Dad and Chels and finishing his degree there. Sees his psychologist once a week."

He knew to keep him talking until he calmed completely. "Who's Chels?"

Jason laughed, though it sounded like a strangled sob. "Our little sister. She's a senior in high school this year." He pulled out his cellphone and pulled up his photo album, selecting a picture of a very pretty girl with dark brown hair and a smattering of freckles covering her face.

He could see the family resemblance immediately.

"She's pretty. Where's she want to go to school?"

Jason shrugged under Kevin's arm. "Dunno. She's applying all over the country. Wants to go into archaeology. Mesoamerican, not biblical. She keeps making that distinction."

Kevin nodded.

Jason seemed to have pulled it together. "Shit, didn't you say you had class?"

Kevin laughed. "Did you think I had a book to lend you as well?" He stood and pulled himself up to sit on the bed instead of the floor. As he sat he got a whiff of Edd's scent puffing off the comforter and pillows. It distracted him momentarily. He glanced at the clock on the microwave, wondering vaguely when the boy would be back.

Jason looked chagrined as he stood back up. "No. I guess not."

"All my classes are in the mornings. Eight AM to twelve-thirty."

He cringed. "Yikes. That's got to suck."

Kevin shook his head. "I prefer mornings. My dad drilled it into me as a kid that mornings are better for exercise and getting shit done." Mornings had gotten a bit harder recently. Every morning he woke with Edd in his arms, he wanted to stay and savor the quiet moments with Edd. Light kisses, fingers tracing muscles and bones, sleepy conversations, leaving those moments became harder every day. He was considering starting his day later for the next semester. He figured Jason didn't need to know that much though.

By the time Jason left he seemed lighter and more pulled together. He had stopped shaking and managed to smile a bit and mentioned practice would likely be long again tonight. Kevin watched him go, understanding Jason better than he had expected. And he wondered how much of his brother he could see in himself and Edd.