Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 14
The news reports on the small portable television on the kitchen counter was declaring Christmas Eve 1983 as the coldest Christmas Eve in a hundred years…or fifty…depending on which anchor was doing the declaring, Johanna thought as she half heartedly listened while spreading icing across the top of her peppermint bliss cake. She didn't dispute the fact that it was cold…numbers in the teens and expected to keep falling. There was also a fresh dusting of snow on the ground. She sighed, wondering if Jim's refusal to come home had meant that hell had frozen over and this was now the world they were living in.
"And in Chicago; it's a bone chilling -19 degrees," the weatherman reported on the television.
A slight smirk graced Johanna's lips. "Good, maybe Jim will freeze off an appendage," she thought darkly.
The fantasy warmed her for a moment until she glanced at her daughter who was still clad in her pajamas, picking up a spoonful of Fruit Loops and putting it in her mouth. She smiled a little; her baby was adorable with her tousled hair and sleepy eyes. She looked like her, her eyes, her nose, her mouth…Elizabeth's chestnut colored hair; but she could see shades of Jim in her too in the shape of her face and her hair line…that look of concentration on her face as she watched the images on the TV screen. Johanna smiled; that look was definitely Jim…and it sent a pang of longing through her heart. Katie was the best of both of them and their greatest accomplishment.
No promotion with its raises and perks could compare to the perfection of their baby girl…and she wished that he'd remember that when making decisions that affected all of them; but apparently he wasn't in agreement with that idea lately. She shook her head, no sense in dwelling on it. "Eat some of your toast, Baby," she said gently.
"Kay, Momma," Katie murmured.
Johanna smiled; it was usually 'mommy' but when her baby was sleepy, it was still sometimes 'momma'. "Are you still sleepy?" she asked her.
Katie nodded as she picked up a piece of her toast and nibbled on it.
"You didn't have to get up so early, sweetheart. You could've stayed in bed awhile longer."
"I don't want to miss my pageant."
"Honey, your pageant isn't until tonight; you've got awhile to go."
"I want to make cake," Katie said.
"Well, how about after we're finished this cake, you take a little nap before we go to Grandma's for your last practice."
"Okay."
"You're awfully agreeable this morning," Johanna said with a soft laugh. "Is it because Santa is coming tonight?"
Katie shrugged and put her toast down to take a drink of her juice.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Johanna asked her.
Her daughter's bottom lip poked out. "I miss Daddy."
"I know," she murmured. "I do too."
Katie held her gaze. "He's not coming home?"
She shook her head. "No, honey; he's not coming home today or tomorrow…I don't even know if he'll be home next week."
"Can we go to Chicago since you don't gotta go to work?" Katie asked.
The thought had crossed her mind, Johanna thought to herself; taking Katie and flying out there, giving him a surprise he never saw coming but she held back; unsure of how he would react in a situation where Katie couldn't be shielded from it. "No; I don't think Daddy would like that," she said slowly. "He'd have to go to work anyway and we'd be by ourselves in his room. It's better for us to stay here at home where you can play with your new toys…and we'll go visit Nona one day; and we'll go visit Aunt Maggie so you can play with Chrissy and baby Jeffery."
"Can we go see Molly?"
"We'll see if Molly can come over here for a change, okay?" Johanna replied.
"Uh huh; I don't like always going to Aunt Sharon's…how come we always gotta go there? I want Molly to play in my room and Aunt Sharon always says we gotta play at her house."
"It's not always that way…but it does seem like it at times," she remarked; "I'm going to tell Aunt Sharon that Molly needs to come here more."
"Yeah; cause I don't like Uncle Phil much."
"You don't?" Johanna asked. "How come?"
"Cause his face is always squishy like a mean face," Katie replied; "And he always says we're too loud…and sometimes he makes faces when you're talking."
"He does?"
"Uh huh."
"Then Molly is definitely going to come over here for awhile if she wants to play. We're going to take a break from visiting Aunt Sharon's house."
"Good; I don't want to play there all the time. I want Molly to come to our house…how come Aunt Sharon don't want to come to our house?"
"I don't know, sweetie; but I'll mention it to her the next time I talk to her."
"Mommy?"
"What?"
"Can I lick the spoon when you're done putting icing on the cake?"
"No; not yet. You have to wait until the other cake is finished."
"Can we put sprinkles on our cake?" Katie asked.
Johanna nodded. "Sure; let me get the Christmas sprinkles out of the cupboard and you can put them on."
She put down her knife long enough to go to the cupboard and found the container of red and green sprinkles. "I have to finish putting the icing on and then you can do the sprinkles," she told her as she returned to the table and picked up her knife. "I just have this little section to do."
"Mommy, how come we make two Christmas cakes?" Katie asked.
"Because we take one to Grandma's and we keep one here at home," Johanna answered. "Before Daddy and I got married, he made me promise that I'd always make this cake for him at Christmas."
"Why?"
"Because it's our special cake," she replied wistfully. "The first time I made this cake, Daddy helped me and we made it part of our Christmas traditions."
"What does that mean?" Katie asked, her small finger managing to swipe up a glob of icing that fell on the table.
"A tradition is something that we do every Christmas; like making this cake…and we eat fast food on Christmas Eve. On your first Christmas Eve, you were a tiny baby and Daddy went out and got us food from McDonalds and brought it home so you and I wouldn't have to go out in the cold. He bought you a Happy Meal even though you were too little to eat it."
Katie giggled. "Why did he do that?"
"Because he wanted you to be part of our tradition; and he said that even though you were too little to eat it, you could at least have the toy. That was your very first Happy Meal."
"Who ate my Happy Meal?" her daughter asked.
Johanna laughed. "Well…Daddy ate your hamburger…and I ate your fries. We split your cookies and I drank your soda. Mommy needed that extra caffeine…because you didn't like to sleep when you were a baby."
Katie laughed. "Why didn't I like to sleep?"
"I have no idea," Johanna replied. "Mommy almost forgot what sleep was like until you finally learned to like it."
Her daughter giggled. "Silly."
Johanna smiled and uncapped the container of sprinkles, her daughter had no idea just how bad her sleep deprivation had been. "Are you ready to put the sprinkles on?"
"Yes," Katie replied, getting on her knees on the chair as she took the container.
She gently instructed as Katie shook red and green sprinkles all over the cake and then grasped the container before her daughter could overload it. "That's good," she said; "It's very pretty now."
"Is it our cake or Grandma's?"
"This one is ours, sweetie."
Her daughter was quiet a moment, a frown tugging at her lips. "Daddy won't get to eat any of our special cake," she said quietly.
"I know, sweetheart," Johanna said softly, her hand moving over her daughter's hair. "But we'll eat it…it's still our tradition."
Katie glanced up at her. "Will we eat at McDonalds even though Daddy isn't here?"
"Yes; we'll get McDonalds for dinner, I promise…it's tradition."
"I'm glad; I want a chicken nugget happy meal."
"You'll get one, baby."
"Mommy?"
"Yeah?"
"Will Daddy call us tonight?"
She suppressed a sigh. "I don't know, Katie…he might not. He knows you have to get to bed on time tonight so Santa can come and bring your presents. He might not call until tomorrow."
Katie's bottom lip poked out in a pout. "Doesn't Daddy miss us?"
Her smile wobbled. "Of course he does."
"Then why don't he come home?"
"Because his work isn't done."
"But you don't gotta go to work tomorrow…so why does Daddy?"
Johanna breathed deeply; this was prickly territory. "Daddy doesn't have to go to work on Christmas."
"Then he shoulda came home," her stubborn daughter insisted. "Did he go to work today? You didn't go to work today."
"No, sweetheart; he didn't go to work today…it's the weekend. Mommy and Daddy don't work on the weekend."
Katie put a hand on her pajama clad hip as she remained kneeling on her chair. "Daddy's a big fibber! He don't gotta work, he just don't wanna come home and play with me!"
That's how she felt too, Johanna thought to herself. He didn't want to come home and be with either one of them…but she'd have to lie and say otherwise…and she hated that he put her in the position of having to lie to their child about his intentions. "He doesn't have to go to work today, but he has to work after Christmas so he had to stay there because Chicago is far away."
"I hate Chicago!" Katie exclaimed. "I don't want him to go there no more!"
"Me too," she said softly as she sat down and pulled her daughter onto her lap. "I know you're sad about Daddy not getting to come home but we're still going to have a nice Christmas, okay?"
"Okay," her daughter said as she snuggled against her. "But Daddy's still a big fibber."
Johanna smiled a little. "Well, sweetheart; you're allowed to feel that way…but maybe you shouldn't mention it to Daddy; you know he gets mad easily lately."
"Yeah," Katie said with a yawn.
She hugged her tightly. "You're still sleepy; how about I turn cartoons on on my TV in my room and you get your bunny and get in my bed and rest for a little while?"
"Will you lay down with me?"
Johanna glanced at the clock on the wall; she could lay down with Katie until she drifted back to sleep and then she could get the other cake started and do any last minute cleaning that needed done downstairs. "Yes, sweetheart, I'll lay down with you. Let me put the cake in the container and then we'll go upstairs and get back in bed for awhile," she said before sitting her daughter down so she could put the cake in the cake holder.
Katie grabbed her bunny from the chair and waited patiently for Johanna to put the domed lid over the cake and then she slipped her hand into hers and allowed herself to be lead back upstairs.
Johanna laid down with Katie until she was sure her daughter would sleep for awhile. She carefully slipped out of bed, tucking the covers around Katie as she did so. She raked a hand through her hair and glanced at the clock, it was still somewhat early and she wasn't ready to trade in her nightgown and robe for her jeans and sweater just yet. Johanna crossed the room to the closet, figuring she could at least lay out the clothes she and Katie would wear to church that night. That would be one less thing to do later on and after it was finished; she could get the next cake put in the oven.
She quietly pushed the hangers down the pole in the closet, searching for the dress she had bought the month before for this occasion. Her fingers finally landed against it and she pulled the long sleeved, dark green dress from the rack and hung it on the door. It was a simple dress with its v-shaped neckline and no adornments but she liked it, it was sedate, just what church required…and what her mood felt like, she mused as she smoothed a small wrinkle from the bottom of the skirt. She found the matching pair of heels on the closet floor and sat them by the dresser and then moved to her jewelry box to lay out the jewelry she'd wear that night.
Johanna picked up the pair of emerald earrings that she wore every Christmas. They were her first Christmas gift from Jim. He had given them to her the Christmas before they started dating. Her fingers rubbed across the smooth stones for a moment, longing for those simpler days welling up within her. She laid them down with a soft sigh. Despite her best intentions, she was slowly accepting that is wasn't going to be a happy Christmas like she kept assuring Katie it would be. Instead, it would be a hollow Christmas; the easily felt void in the shape of Jim would hover over them despite the smiles they'd put on, despite the few laughs they might have and the warmth of their extended family.
On the TV, her favorite Christmas song began to play, the soft notes filling the air. "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your heart be light. Next year all of our troubles will be out of sight…"
She had tried…she had tried to let her heart be light, to feel the spirit of the holiday and let it fill her. But she hadn't been able to accomplish the feat. All she had been able to feel was Jim's absence, his distance, her loneliness and internal misery as she felt like her life was slowly spiraling out of control. Her troubles were far from out of sight…it felt like they were going to be around for awhile and it made her ache inside…it made her afraid. She would keep trying though, for Katie's sake; to put on the brave face and make Christmas as merry as possible. In her heart though, she knew neither one of them would be completely happy come morning…not with Jim's empty chair at the table. Not with his pile of gifts unopened…not without him taking copious amounts of pictures of their daughter opening her gifts; not without their stolen moments in the glow of the Christmas tree once Katie had been tucked into her bed for the night.
"Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow…"
Johanna picked up her cross necklace and laid it on the dresser. Fate would've allowed Jim to come home, but he hadn't wanted to. He didn't want the hassle or the expense…he didn't want the distraction and disruption to the peace he had without them in her opinion. She kept waiting for it to stop stinging, but it hadn't yet…and she had the feeling that the only thing that would soothe that sting would be if he walked through the door. What she wouldn't give if he'd just come through the door. Her eyes closed; maybe she did need him too much. Maybe she did suffocate him…maybe he was tired of her and family life. She could change though, if he'd just give her the chance. She could be different; she'd do her best if he'd just come home and show her that he still cared.
"Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow…"
Johanna breathed deeply; yeah, they were just going to have to muddle through…that's all women got done doing, she thought to herself as she left the room; muddling through one thing or another, and smiling while doing it. She crossed the hallway to Katie's room and laid out her Christmas dress and tights, and her shiny black dress shoes. With the task complete, she headed back downstairs to mix up the second cake and get it in the oven. "Muddle through," she repeated to herself despite the feelings of hurt and anger that pooled deep within her. "Just got to muddle through somehow."
Later that afternoon at her parents house, Johanna was trying to come up with an excuse to leave for a short while without her daughter so that she could get Katie's gifts transferred from the attic to their temporary hiding place in the dining room. Katie was occupied with her cousins, the run through of the songs she and Claire had to sing and Greg's lines to be delivered had been accomplished and the kids were set free to play as the rest of the household went through the motions of finishing last minute things for the next day.
"Frank," Naomi said as she polished the top of the piano. "Why don't you run out and get a couple bottles of wine for tomorrow; I'm sure some of the guests will want a drink and I only have half a bottle."
"Alright," Frank said as he laid aside his newspaper and got up from his chair.
A light bulb went off in Johanna's head, perfect opportunity. "I'll go with you, Dad; so I can help you get what Mom likes."
"You don't have to go, I know what to get," he said as he came near to fetch his keys from the stand.
"I have to go with you," she whispered.
Puzzlement furrowed Frank's brow. "Why?"
"I need an excuse to leave Katie here," she murmured close to his ear. "If I can go with you, you can drop me off at my house so I can move her gifts downstairs so I can get them easily tonight without her hearing. You can come back and get me after you get the wine; that should give me enough time."
He nodded. "Yeah; you better go with me and make sure I get it right."
She smiled in gratitude. "Katie; I'm going to go help Grandpa with his errands, you stay here and play. I'll be back."
"Okay, Mommy," she replied, her attention quickly shifting back to the matchbox cars and racetrack that Greg had set up for the three of them to play with.
Naomi caught her daughter's eye and gave a knowing nod. "She's occupied; she won't question anything," she murmured.
Johanna hurriedly pulled her coat on and followed her father out the door. "I know dropping me off is a little out of the way, Dad; but I appreciate it."
"It's not a problem," he replied; "It just gives me an excuse to be out longer. Your mother is in her Christmas frenzy; your Grandmother keeps smacking my hands every time I walk in the kitchen and the kids are excited and a little more boisterous than normal, which is to be expected but…I can use a break."
She laughed. "I take it Grandma's smacking your hands because you're trying to sample the biscotti."
"Well, damn it, she can't just make it and expect me to wait until Christmas day, it's not fair," Frank remarked as he unlocked the passenger side door.
"You better hope she doesn't give you the eye again."
"I'm not worried," Frank replied as he got in the driver's seat. "The last time we got Colleen; but your mother is over that stage of life…I'm safe."
"She might make you go bald."
"Bite your tongue!" her father stated, his hand raking through his thick dark hair. "I'd have to kill her and I don't want to have to do that on a religious holiday…it's bad luck."
"Not to mention illegal."
"That too," Frank replied as he started the car. "I'll help you get the gifts moved, Johanna; that way you'll get done faster and then you can just go with me to get the wine."
"You don't have to do that."
"I know I don't," he remarked; "But I'm going to do it anyway so you can get done. It'll be one less worry for you and you can relax a little. You're tense."
"I'm fine."
"Yeah; that's the story for publication," Frank said; "But I know better."
"Oh yeah?" she couldn't help but retort.
"Yeah; I'm your father…I know more about you than you think, little girl."
That was an unsettling thought, Johanna mused. "I'm a big girl."
Frank side eyed her. "You're not so big."
"Big enough."
"I still know more than you think," he remarked; while thinking to himself that she'd always be his little girl in his mind. It didn't matter that she was married, that she had a child of her own, a home, a career. There were still times when he looked at her and saw the little girl she had been. He couldn't say so of course, but it was there, in his mind, in his heart. He didn't care how big she thought she was; she'd always be little…always need a little protection and looking after so that fragile heart didn't get stomped on or used. He hated the thought that his son-in-law might be growing careless with the gift he had given him. He hadn't given Johanna away to him to end up with her heart in pieces and his granddaughter only seeing her father when it was convenient for him. The boy needed his priorities put back in order…and if he didn't do it on his own, he might have to be the man to do it for him.
"You're awful pensive, Dad," Johanna said quietly. 'Something on your mind?"
Frank shook his head. "Just wondering if I should pick up something a little harder for me tomorrow…I think your grandmother's been nipping at my bottle of Jack Daniels."
"She does like a hot toddy now and then."
"If that's what she considers it when she slips a little in her tea, then I guess that's correct."
Johanna laughed a little. "The holidays are rough on all of us; sometimes I could use a little of it slipped into my tea."
Frank gave a nod. "I better pick up another bottle while we're at the liquor store. May as well make the holiday as merry and bright as possible."
"May as well," she agreed. If she was lucky, maybe someone would slip a little taste into her tea the next day.
After arriving at the house, Frank followed Johanna up to the attic. "This stuff over here is for Katie," Johanna said as she moved to the right side of the attic.
"Good lord," Frank replied; "You're spoiling her."
Johanna picked up as many bags as she could carry. "She's mine to spoil," she said sharply. "She's the only baby I have and she's only going to be little once."
Frank's lips pressed together in a thin line as he bit back words that he was sure would throw things off balance between them. He didn't want that; not when things had been stable for the most part, not on Christmas Eve…and not when he knew that her anger wasn't directed at him but at the man who should've been there to help her carry gifts downstairs. "You're right; she's your only child and you have every right to spoil her on Christmas. You make a good living; you can afford to give her everything on her list. I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers."
She sighed. "I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just…"
"Mad," he supplied.
"Yeah; but not at you."
"I know," he replied as they headed back downstairs with the first load. "You're mad at your husband and you have a right to be. Where are we putting the gifts?"
"In the dining room," Johanna answered. 'Katie never goes in there and I'll lock the door once we're home for the night. I have to leave it unlocked for now so Robert can slip her bike in while we're in church."
"She's getting a bike?"
"Yeah, one of those little Strawberry Shortcake ones with the training wheels. She'll want Jim outside with her when she's on it and who knows if he'll be around for it."
"You'll be there," Frank said as he sat gifts on the table while Johanna did the same thing.
"I know," she said; thinking to herself that everything always fell to her. "Dad, do you know anyone who can paint these ugly grey walls in here in the spring? Jim won't do it and I'm sick of looking at them."
"Yeah," he said as they headed back upstairs. "Let me know when you're ready and I'll send Hank over. He'll do a good job and won't charge you a fortune. What color do you want?"
"White; that way if I want to change colors I won't have to repaint he walls, just change accents."
"Good thinking."
It took a few trips but finally all of Katie's gifts were stowed away in the dining room and Frank helped Johanna carry down the family gifts to put in the office. They didn't say much and Johanna worried that she had offended her father by snapping at him; she really hadn't meant to; there hadn't been any severe criticism in his tone when he made his statement about spoiling Katie.
She paused in the hallway outside of the office as he stepped out behind her. "Dad, I am sorry I snapped at you earlier," she said quietly.
"I know," he replied, his brow furrowed in confusion. "I know you're not angry with me; I told you so."
"I know, but…" she trailed off, frustration thrumming through her veins, making her feel out of sorts no matter how hard she tried.
Fran hesitated for a moment, he wasn't good at this sort of thing and yet if he did nothing, he'd feel like he'd blown yet another moment of parenting, so he stepped forward and pulled his middle child into his arms. "It's alright, Josie."
This didn't happen often, Johanna thought as she sunk into the embrace he offered willingly and for whatever reason, it made the emotion burst free and she started to cry as she clung to him.
Frank closed his eyes as he heard the first sob. He wasn't good with tears, that was Naomi's department, he was out of his depth here…and there was no one to pass her off to. Oh hell, he thought to himself, as he patted her back like he had when she was a baby and needed soothing while Naomi fetched her bottle. He should probably say something, but what? What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do to make it better? He didn't know how to soothe wounded hearts…he knew how to punch the person responsible and he was sorely tempted but unfortunately his son-in-law was out of reach.
"It's alright," he said as he continued to pat her back; after all, that was what he had always said to her when she was a baby. "Don't cry; everything will be fine."
"I just wanted him to come home," she sniffed.
"I know…and he will eventually; but don't worry; it'll be alright. Katie's going to have a nice Christmas and so will you and he's the one who's missing out. It'll all work out…he'll get his head out of his ass eventually."
"I told him if he didn't come home for Christmas to not bother coming home at all," Johanna cried.
"I'm sure he knows you didn't mean it," Frank soothed.
"But what if that's what he wants and I handed him a golden ticket without realizing it."
"Then you'll be a widow," Frank stated; "Because I'll kill him and spare you the cost of divorce."
"Katie needs her father," she sniffled.
"Fine; then I'll reform him if it comes to it," her father remarked as he gently pushed her back and kissed her forehead. "No more tears now," he said, swiping at the moisture on her cheeks. "We've got a holiday to get through and a little girl to keep happy so she doesn't dwell on her father's absence. Go wash your face and let's go buy the wine…I'll buy you your own bottle to bring home for later."
She smiled a little. "You don't have to do that."
"I figure you've earned it. Go on now, wash your face, we have things to do."
Johanna managed a wobbly smile and headed upstairs to wash her face. Fatherly affection, a small Christmas miracle that she'd been experiencing this month. At least she had that moment to hold on to.
Jim sighed deeply as he scribbled notes on his planner as he sat in the airport, the bag containing the Christmas gifts he had bought sitting at his feet. He had to shell out a pretty penny to be able to carry it on but he didn't trust the airport not to lose the bag if he left it out of his sight. He hoped Johanna appreciated the money he was shelling out; travel seemed to cost more on Christmas Eve…that was if he ever did get to the actual traveling part. Chicago was seeing its coldest winter in years and snow was beginning to fall outside, making his stomach twist into knots. The flight had already been delayed three hours…if that snow picked up, it might be grounded altogether and then what would he do?
Perhaps he should've followed Zach's lead. His friend had made a call to the train station from the hotel bar the night before and found out that he could take the last train out that evening. He had gone, after telling Jim that he should come too but he had waved him off. Zach was probably already home by now, he mused. He should've gone by train, but no, he had to debate the issue all evening and then had no choice but to find a flight. He had, by some miracle, found one; it was supposed to leave at noon; he would've been home by four, in plenty of time for Katie's pageant, even if he did have jetlag while setting in the pew. But it wasn't to be. Now it was three and he was still waiting for the flight to be called; having a feeling it wouldn't be.
He flipped the pages of his planner back in place, his gaze falling on the pictures he had clipped to the inside cover.
"Your daughter?" the old man sitting next to him asked with a nod at the picture of Katie.
"Yeah," he answered.
The man smiled. "She's a beauty."
"She is," Jim agreed. "She looks like her mother."
"Then the other picture must be her mother."
Jim nodded. "Yeah; that's my wife."
"She's a beauty too."
He smiled. "Yeah; she doesn't always think so but she is."
The old man chuckled. "The women with true beauty are the ones who don't claim to have it even when they do. I'm sure you're anxious to get home to them."
Jim's fingers brushed against the pictures. "I've been away for awhile."
"I had a feeling that was the case," his companion stated.
"Oh? How come?"
"Well, I can tell you must be a man of business from the way you're dressed…but your clothes are little wrinkled; if your wife was with you, she wouldn't allow that," he said with a twinkle in his eye. "Believe me, I know."
Jim laughed. "That's true; she wouldn't let go out wrinkled."
"How long has it been?"
"All of this month."
The man tsked. "That's along time to be away from the ones you love. I've traveled for business a lot myself…that part never gets easier."
"It doesn't?"
"No," he said. "I traveled for years and tried to pretend I didn't miss being home, but I did. I'd try to picture what my wife and kids were doing and it just made me miss home all the more."
Jim gave a nod, not bothering to say that he tried to keep from picturing what they were doing without him. "Are you heading home?"
"No," the man said; "I'm headed to my daughter's house. My wife went on ahead last week while I wrapped up some things for the business I still manage. I should've gone with her it looks like."
"Yeah; it does look that way. I wish I had tried to get out last night," he admitted. "My daughter is going to be in her first Christmas pageant tonight…there's no way I'm going to get there in time now."
His new friend gave a nod. "Hopefully you'll make the next one…I know the feeling though."
"Right now, I feel like I need a miracle so this plane will take off in the very near future."
"Maybe we'll get one."
"God, I hope so," Jim said as he closed his planner and tucked into the bag sitting at his feet. He didn't want to have to call Johanna and admit that he had debated too long and spoiled his attempt to come home. She'd be furious and he had already earned enough of her anger.
He raked a hand through his hair; why did everything always have to be so damn complicated? Why couldn't the case of wrapped up two days ago, giving him plenty of time to get home and stay there for awhile? Now he had to pray to everything that was holy that the plane would be allowed to take off; and if it, then come Monday, he'd have to be on another plane heading back to Chicago to be annoyed with this case for several more days.
It felt like the universe hated him.
But it was probably better to be hated by the universe than by your wife.
Jim sighed, he wished they could postpone Christmas…everything would be so much easier if they could just push it back a few more days. But there was no pushing it back and now he was sitting in an airport, hoping for that miracle and having a feeling he wouldn't get it. Frustration gnawed at him; it was partly his fault for hesitating to abandon his plan of staying…and it was Johanna's fault for laying down a threat he couldn't bring himself to ignore even though he knew she didn't mean it and had said it out of anger. Anger that he had caused, his brain reminded him.
He didn't like reminders like that.
Jim fought the urge to pace, thinking to himself that if he had to sit here all day and wait on a plane that should've taken off, the least they could do was offer complimentary drinks while you waited but then he thought better of that idea. It wouldn't do to go home to Johanna with liquor on his breath. She was already on her kick about him having a drink, he didn't need more of those chats right now.
"Come on, God," he silently pleaded. "I could use a break here…please."
Late that afternoon, as her grandmother went off to take a short nap before dinner, Johanna rose from the couch and caught her daughter's eye. "Come on, Katie; it's time for us to go get dinner and then we'll go home and get ready for your pageant."
"Why don't you just eat here?" Naomi asked as she spread the table cloth across the kitchen table that had been moved into the spacious living room as it always was for family meals and holidays.
"We're going to McDonalds," Katie answered before Johanna could speak.
"McDonalds, on Christmas Eve?" Naomi asked. "You must be crazy, Johanna. That place will be packed."
"We always eat McDonalds on Christmas Eve, it's a tradition Jim and I started," Johanna replied. "I promised Katie last night that we'd carry on with it and she'd get her chicken nugget happy meal that she wants."
Her mother shook her head. "Just stay here instead of going out into the madness."
"We'd still have to go home," Johanna stated. "We have to get ready."
"Eating here wouldn't delay that," her mother remarked.
"I want my happy meal, it's 'dition," Katie stated. "I want my nuggets."
Naomi smiled. "Wouldn't you rather have some lasagna?"
Katie shook her head. "Nuggets."
"We're going to get your nuggets, baby," Johanna told her. "Let's go get our coats on."
"Johanna," Naomi began to say.
"Let them be, Naomi," Frank stated. "It's what they do every year; it's what they want to do this year. They'll be having dinner here tomorrow."
"Fine," she huffed.
"We'll see you in a little while," Johanna stated.
"Josie, while you're at McDonalds, get me one of those little pies," Frank called after her.
"We've got pies, Frank!" Naomi exclaimed.
"Yeah, but you won't let me have them until tomorrow. Get me two, Josie."
"I will, Dad; I promise," she told him before guiding Katie into the entry way and getting their coats.
They were quiet as they bundled up and made their way to the car, Johanna shivering a little as she helped Katie into the backseat and buckled her in. She hurried around to the driver's side and got in, thinking to herself that the weatherman hadn't lied about the temperatures dropping as the day went on.
"Katie," Johanna said as she pulled away from her parents house. "If the restaurant is really crowded, we're going to take our food home and eat it, okay?"
"Yeah; let's do that, Mommy," her daughter replied.
"You want to do that either way?"
"Uh huh, I want to eat my nuggets at home."
"Okay, sweetheart," she replied, thinking to herself that it was a good idea, they'd be able to have a little quiet time before getting ready for church. "Are you ready to be home for a little while, having some peace and quiet?"
"Yeah; I want to go home. Can we watch the little TV in the kitchen again while we eat?"
"Yes; we can do that. Maybe there will be some Christmas cartoons on for you."
They grew quiet, the radio playing Christmas songs as Johanna navigated the holiday traffic. "Mommy," Katie said after awhile.
"What, honey?"
"You 'member you said Daddy buyed me a happy meal when I was real little?"
"Yes; your first one that you were too little to eat?"
"Uh huh."
"What about it?"
"Should we get Daddy some food even though he can't eat it with us?" Katie asked. "So he's still part of our 'dition."
She felt a piece of her heart shatter as she gave a nod. "Yeah; we can do that," she stated, managing to keep her tone even as tears filled her eyes.
"Good," her daughter replied. "Daddy would want a burger."
"He would," Johanna replied; "A Big Mac."
"Yeah; and fries."
"We'll get Daddy's favorite," she promised. "We'll put it in the fridge, and maybe tomorrow night we can share it as a snack."
"Okay, Mommy."
Johanna swallowed hard as she stopped at a light, the lyrics of Blue Christmas pouring from the radio. She had always liked that song, but this year it was a dagger to her heart. He should've been there in the car with them…he should be having their special Christmas Eve fast food meal with them. He should be there for the pageant, to read Katie Twas the Night Before Christmas before she went to bed.
But he wasn't there.
All day she had prayed for a miracle…and she hadn't gotten one. All day, she had kept hope that at any minute, he'd materialize in front of them…that he'd come home happy, maybe with quiet apologies murmured in the night that she could believe and be soothed by. But he hadn't given her anything; just excuses and absence, when all she had wanted for Christmas was him; even if just for the day. She didn't care about the money or the time he considered wasted with the trip; all she had wanted was him…and she had wanted him to want her too.
She flicked away a tear as the light turned green, swallowing her emotions as she moved along with the flow of traffic. There wasn't anything to be done about it now; if he hadn't come home by now, there wasn't any sense in hoping he would. The opening strains of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas came from the radio and she reminded herself that she just had to muddle through. There would be time for tears later; after Katie was asleep and the presents had been put beneath the tree. Then she would cry; and in the morning, she'd get up and be happy and muddle through all over again.
Jim felt miserable as he stared out into the darkness. He hadn't expected to feel so badly about missing a church pageant but he was. It was Katie's first Christmas pageant, he should've been there. He imagined she was probably getting ready; that Johanna would be helping her into her angel costume and fussing with her hair. She'd look adorable, he was sure of it…but of course she always looked adorable no matter what. She'd go out in the front of the church with her cousin and the rest of the children and sing Christmas songs in that soft sweet voice of hers…and he wouldn't get to hear a single note.
A small ache filled his heart; he wanted to hear her sing…wanted to be sitting in the pew next to Johanna, watching her together. But it wasn't to be. There would be other Christmas pageants, once Katie had a taste, she'd probably want to be in the next one too…but still…he should've been there. Why hadn't he taken the damn train with Zach?
"Because you're stupid and foolish," his conscience whispered.
He scrubbed a hand over his face; sometimes he was stupid…and foolish. Sometimes he was too indecisive until he was pushed against the wall and forced to make a decision. Funny how it always seemed to be up to Johanna to push him against that wall…maybe she should've pushed sooner.
Jim breathed deeply; he supposed he had made a mess of things…that he had most likely marred Johanna and Katie's Christmas with his selfish needs. Sure his reasons had been logical…but that didn't mean they were right; not when it came to the two things he loved most, his wife and daughter. He wondered if Johanna had made the peppermint bliss cake…if they had ate McDonalds food for their Christmas Eve dinner. He figured they probably had, Johanna was a stickler for tradition…he wished he could've been there, he was starving and wouldn't hesitate to polish off two Big Macs instead of just one.
But he had missed that opportunity too; damn it. It seemed like he was always missing something lately. It would take time to adjust to traveling more for the job…it would take time to make his peace with missing certain events in his quest to keep his promotion. But for a moment, as loneliness and longing gnawed at him, he wasn't quite sure it was worth it. He might get used to it…would get used to it because he had no real choice; but a part of him worried that Johanna and Katie might get too used to him being gone at times…that they'd go on about their lives without much care that he wasn't there. He liked the promotion and the perks and prestige, and despite all of his complaining about being nagged and that they weren't accepting things, he worried just as much about the day they would accept it…when they might wave him off with little care, busy with their own lives and used to him going off somewhere more often than not.
That wasn't a thought he liked entertaining…he didn't want them to get overly used to him being gone. He didn't want to miss out on too much. Jim gave a soft shake of his head; why did it have to feel like everything was a mess? Why couldn't things just feel normal again?
A soft sigh crossed his lips; what a way to end a year…what a way to go into a new one. There wasn't much to be done about things though; he'd just have to get through it somehow…they all would; and hopefully everything would be alright in the end.
A/N: Is he on the plane…or stuck in Chicago? We'll find out in the next chapter ;)