He doesn't look any different, maybe a little exhausted, irritated, just as I remember. He doesn't even shake my hand, pat my back or whatever. After taking my suitcase he turns around expecting me to follow, to keep up. We walk to the parking lot in silence. He actually drove the family car to pick me up. The same 1963 Ford Cortina Lotus we were working on before the attack.
He gestures for my backpack and I slide onto the passenger seat as I hear him open the rear compartment. I put on my seatbelt and recognize the scent of the car, cinnamon, his favorite. My stomach starts knotting up, this doesn't feel right.
My heart races as I hear him walking to the driver's side. I take one deep breath and cross my arms to my chest, afraid I may throw them around him. I keep my eyes front, trying my best to not burst out and cry, I'm not ready for this.
"So how's school?" He asks. His voice, this resonating sound that reminds me of the melancholy hum of a cello. It makes me jump in my seat and fight a sob that's been bubbling since we left the airport.
"F-f-fine..I-i guess." I try to think of the letters I wrote, the speeches for him, to give me the strength to not show any sign of weakness around him.
We don't speak after that. The city lights pass through the windows as we move, flashing, I steal a glance to see his expression. He seems...angry, his eyebrows furrowed.
I recognize the final turn to our street and suddenly all the air in me is sucked out, I could feel my pulse speeding up as we pass by the door, Seth's door. The moment my father cuts the engine I step
out. I take in a lot of air and hold myself trying to catch my breath. I don't even notice him get out of the car or move to get my bags. But I do notice that only the red door of Seth's home is lit, and a yellow glow from the room above it shined through the curtains, Seth's room. I could hear his voice, "Hey Blaine, welcome home!" And I feel a lot better.
"They're here! They're here! Mommy!" I hear Eva's voice from behind our door. It opens wide and I see my sister running out, in her night gown wearing glistening red shoes. I lift her up, she starts showering kisses on my face. My mother rushes to cover her up with her coat.
"Hi mom,"
"Hello honey, how was your flight?" She asks running her hands through my curls. I tell her I slept through most of it. Behind her I see my dad taking my bags inside. We follow in and Eva starts dragging me to the reading room.
"We had dress rehearsals today. Trace, he plays Lion, fell because his tail was too long. Then Maggie, you'll see her she's the scarecrow.."
I try to keep up with my sister's chattering, behind her I see my mother kiss my father's cheek and caress his jaw. His shoulders drop, and he leaves her to go upstairs.
"..I helped, and I was covered in paint, it ruined my uniform."
"But you had fun right?" I ask my sister who is now jumping up and down the couch.
"Ohyeaahhh! Mom wasn't happy though."
"You had paint on your hair and mouth, I was worried she swallowed paint." My mother lifts Eva and sits the both of them on the couch.
"Are you hungry honey?" She asks.
"Poptarts! I can make him poptarts!" Eva declares running to the kitchen.
"She discovered how the toaster works this week. Are you okay? You look pale?" She asks
looking at me the same way she always has when I looked even just a little bit sad. I'm never leaving her.
"I'm good. Just a bit tired I guess." She takes me in her arms, holding my head to her shoulders and
cradling my arms. "You're here. I can't believe it. My Blaine is here. You're home...". Home.
I hear a noise from the second floor, a door slamming. My father emerges from the staircase, in a rush. "They called. They need me." He says to my mother. He gives me a look that I can't explain, like he couldn't comprehend what he was looking at. I close my eyes, but I can still feel him staring.
"Hurry back." She says. "Hey, where did Daddy go?" Eva walks in, holding a pink plate of poptarts. "Why does he always leave at night?" She sulks leaving the plate on the center table.
What? He's always gone at night?
"It's work honey, come here, your eyes look tired and you have a big day tomorrow. You said you would go to sleep after you see Blaine, he's here. It's time for bed."
"I'm not tired. Blaine, I'm not tired." She says yawning.
"How bout I tuck you in?" I stand up and offer my hand.
"I guess.." She takes it and I grab a poptart before guiding her up the stairs.
We walk into her room, it hasn't changed much, pink walls, a mural of the Eiffel tower by her headboard and off white furniture. She walks over to a bookshelf that wasn't there when I left.
"You want a story before bed?" I ask.
She nods excitedly. "Which one?"
"That one!" She screams, pointing to a thick velvet book. I take it out of the shelf, my complete collection of Narnia. Immediately she's on her bed and under the covers, patting the space she left next to her.
The moment I sit next to her, she wraps her arms on my left bicep. "Finally, I get to know what happens."
"Why baby girl? Didn't Dad tuck you in last night?" I ask flipping the bookmarked page open, they got halfway through the first book in the series.
"No," she puckers "he hasn't read to me in a long time. Mommy isn't that good with voices and I didn't want to read that on my own.". The sadness in her voice fills me with so much regret.
She's too young to know how it feels to be let down, especially by my father.
"Well then, I promise before school starts we'll finish this book cause I'll be here every night to tuck you in."
I finish reading a few pages before Eva drifts to sleep. I kiss her head and pull the covers to her neck.
As I step out to the hallway I see my bedroom door ajar. I reach for the doorknob to see my mother arranging the bed, my bed. She fluffs the last pillow as I come in.
Everything is just as I left it. My bed still positioned in the same corner, a Buzz Lightyear lamp by my
bedside and an arrangement of glo in the dark stars still above it. The navy blue walls have never faded and my posters haven't been taken down from their frames. My guitar still stood in the corner, its strings probably fragile now, it seems smaller than I remember. The overhead shelves where all my favorite books are have been kept dust free, though I know some pages might have turned yellow.
What catches my attention is the upright piano by my doorway. It's now placed where a small sofa used to be.
"It's in the basement." She says.
"What?"
"The little lounge area you boys had here, the whole set, it's tucked away, wrapped. We had to move the piano here." she adds carefully.
"Doesn't Eva play? She started before we left."
"No," I hear the disappointment in her voice. "Your father had to stop teaching here for..."
"For?" I say, almost angrily.
"For us." she answers firmly.
"She deserves more time."
She shifts from across the space to cup my face, "I know, but he'll make it up to her, to you, somehow. I love you. He loves you and Eva."
"Goodnight mom. Love you too."
She kisses my cheek and walks away. I don't bother to open my suitcase, instead I try to find something to sleep in from my old clothes and hit the lights. My bed feels smaller, though I know I barely grew last year, I conclude the beds at Dalton are just a little bit bigger. I try to count all the glo in the dark stars on my ceiling when the yellow light from Seth's window shines through mine.
The first time we tried the pulley was when Seth got grounded for lying about his grades. It was also the same week I bought a Batman action figure. He wasn't allowed to come over and hang out, so we took my old rollerblades and split the pair. We wore each boot and looped some rope by its wheels. All we had to do was sit by our windows and strap that action figure onto the rope so Seth could check it out without having to leave his room. Dad found out about it, and instead of confiscating the blades, he attached an actual pulley wheel underneath my window. The rope would be hooked on Seth's end and we could send each other whatever we wanted. It became useful when we had to copy some homework from each other or that time he had very risqué magazines he couldn't hide in his room.
I didn't even think it would still be attached and working. I open my window to find a basket with a note inside of it. I take it, hands shaking. Though I know it could never be from him, it still reminded me of how we were. I look up to see his window is closed, the curtains drawn and the light gone.
My hands fumble through the tape and I struggle to adjust my eyes in the dark. I move towards my night light to read the note written in handwriting I do not recognize.
Welcome back Blaine, let's visit him when you get back. Break a leg.
I sit on my bed, slightly frustrated. Thinking who it could have been from. Seth has a younger brother, but he's younger than Eva and could not have understood what happened. Seth's parents have always been nice. Even after the funeral, they came up to my wheelchair as if it wasn't my doing that put their son in the ground, as if my loss was greater than theirs. But they would never do this.
" Blaine, can you come over today?!" Seth shouts from across my window. I groggily take my comforter, wrap it over my head and sit by the window. "Can't. I dink I'm thik. Mom is making be chikun thoop."
"Too bad, we have a new friend. Well he's mom's friend's son, but y'know he seems cool." He disappears from my sight but I hear him walk back. "Hey come here I want you to meet my best friend."
"You have first edition...! Hi! I'm Justin Mason..we just moved here and..whoah you look sick!"
"Thorry, plu."
"Blaine, I told you to stay in bed."
"Hey Mrs. A, just saying hi to Blaine, we have a new friend, Justin."
"Nice to meet you boys, but Blaine needs to rest now."
"Can we come over?"
"Sorry dear, but you might catch what he has and he really needs to rest."
"Oh okay. Don't worry Blaine, Justin ain't moving anywhere and when you feel better we could go to the park."
"Justin?" I snap awake to see my sister standing by the edge of my bed.
"Mommy says you need to wake up and eat lunch so we can get ready for the play." She says sheepishly. I reach for my phone, I've slept through the morning.
"You okay baby girl?"
"Yah..yes." She runs out.
I step into our dining room and take my seat, rubbing the sleep off my eyes. "We're leaving for King's Island after the show." My mom announces, handing me a plate of vegetables and mashed potatoes.
"Do you have everything you need? Clothes to wear?" She asks. "Yes ma'am." I answer, slightly overwhelmed by the scent of her cooking.
"Will we spend Christmas there?" Eva looks up. "No love, we'll be back the day before. Just in time for Christmas Eve at Grandpa's."
A piece of broccoli hits my throat the wrong way, I choke and struggle to swallow. I manage to get it down with some of the mashed potato. Eva looks at me as if asking if I'm okay. I smile and she laughs.
My mom hands me a glass of water. "We're having Christmas at gramps'? Why?" I ask worriedly.
"Yes, they knew that you were coming home. They insisted. He insisted." She takes
my face and continues. "I know you haven't seen them since, but they want to see you. You're his grandson after all. But if you don't want to go, if you're not ready, we can stay here. I can prepare a small Christmas eve dinner, just us."
I haven't noticed the lines on my mother's face. Her forehead and the corners of her eyes show signs of her age. They've become a little more prominent. Her eyes, just like mine, look weary, tired and sad. But she still seems soft and kind as she manages to form a smile on her lips.
"It's alright. I'd love to see Mac, Sophia and the others." She let's go and her eyes smile for a moment.
My cousins, Mac and Sopia, twins, they're a year older. After the incident they tried to communicate with me, but my aunt stopped them. We managed to exchange a few emails, until it became too much for them to sneak around to talk to their only gay cousin.
The front door slams and I hear my dad muttering. Eva runs from her seat to greet him. He walks in, Eva in his arms. "Shouldn't you feel like you're too old to be carried around?" He muses. "Never." Eva giggles.
My mother stands up to take her, "It's time for us to get ready. Blaine honey, we leave in 30 minutes."
I nod. My father takes the seat next to me. I rush to finish my food. When I do, I look up to find him staring at me intently, his face expressionless. I try to open my mouth to ask why, but he abruptly looks down at his empty plate.
The curtains open to reveal the most adorable backdrop. Parents and family members watch excitedly, some with video cameras in their hands.
Eva walks out wearing her white and blue dress and red shoes. She starts to sing, she's captivating, her voice is powerful and her control is amazing for her age. I watch my parents look on proudly, my father has a huge smile on his face and my mother's mouthing lyrics, they're holding hands. It's really comforting to see him here for Eva, to know that they're doing this right. And for a moment I tried to pretend that none of the things that happened was my reality. That we're here as a family.
One of the children, the Tinman, reminded me so much of Seth, the way he moves, the way he fidgets. I look around and two rows forward confirm my suspicions, Seth's parents are here too and Mark is the splitting image of his brother.
The play ends and I stand up to give my sister a wave, she waves back throws me a kiss. We move from our seats to meet Eva backstage. Seth's parents spot us and my mother meets them halfway to give Mrs. Fletcher a hug.I see Mr. Fletcher move towards my direction and my dad steps in front of me to offer him a handshake. He throws me a concerned look as my father whispers something in his ear.
Did he actually just stop Seth's dad from speaking with me?! Why is he doing this?
I could feel the heat of anger rush to my head.
Bzzz. Bzzz
KURT: How did Eva's play go? Tell her I said 'break a leg'. And you too Mr. King's island. :D
I turn around to exit the auditorium and dial Kurt's number.
"Hey there."
"Hello, so how's the play?"
"Just finished, she was amazing as expected."
"And you're okay, it's your big performance in two days..."
"I wouldn't classify King's Island as a big performance but thanks, I'm good."
"How's your dad?"
"He's..an asshole.."
"Well that's a first. Blaine Anderson uses that kind of language."
"Sorry, he just.."
"I was kidding. Whatever he did, don't let it ruin your night okay. I bet Eva's really excited to see you there."
"Yeah, yeah you're right. I..I have to go.."
"Okay, give her my love."
"Will do, thanks Kurt."
I leave the school to rush to a nearby flower shop. I make it before the store closes to buy her a cute bouquet of pink roses.
By the time I get back they're by the school steps, and Seth's family is nowhere near them. Our mother is chatting with one of the teachers so I sneak behind Eva.
"Congrats superstar!" I kneel to give her the bouquet.
"Flowers! You shouldn't have." she gushes, throwing her arms around me.
"Oh really, look at you all proper and lady-like. You were amazing."
"Thank you Blainey." She hugs me again as I lift her.
"Kurt says hello and congratulations!"
Our car pulls up, my father alights to open the door for us.
"Mommy, Blaine got me flowers! And Kurt said congratulations!" Eva says enthusiastically as my mother makes sure her seatbelt is fastened.
"That's nice. How is Kurt honey?" My mother asks.
"He's great, back in Lima with his family." I say smiling.
"Who's Kurt, Eva?" My father asks from the passenger seat.
"Blaine's friend, Daddy. He has pretty eyes. We met him at Blaine's school, he sings too and he has a pet bird."
"Oh.." He answers. I smile at my little sister and look out the window. It's starting to snow.
"And now, please put your hands together for Blaine and Lisa."
The routine we worked out, or rather my partner's mother commandeered, had me chasing my partner, Lisa, around the stage. It was in my opinion, highly cheesy. I had suggested to play it down. A sofa in the middle of the stage and warm lighting just like the Dalton rehearsal room. But Lisa apparently gets what she wants and my ideas were scrapped out immediately. This fiasco involved an elaborate setup to make us look like a young Mr. Claus trying to get the future Mrs. Claus to stay in my workshop, where there are elves working on toys made for giants. I went along with it anyway, just to get Lisa's mother to stop fussing about my facial expressions. I give the performance my all thinking kids would probably love the over the top display.
I see Eva from the stage, enjoying herself, and my mother smiling and holding the video camera, where my dad should be. It takes a while to register and I almost miss my cue.
The duet is over and we hold hands to bow. Lisa throws me a look. "Merry Christmas!" I say. She doesn't return the greeting.
I take off my costume and head out to the park to catch up with Eva and mom. I quit combing through the crowds and decide to wait for them on a bench by the park entrance.
It's over, finally.
KURT: Video?!
-Over my dead body.
KURT: I'll ask your mom.
-Dammit!
KURT: All moms love me, it's gonna be so easy Mr. Anderson.
-How can you be so sure all moms love you? She won't give in that easily.
KURT: I'll say it's for junior warbler practice, we need to see all senior
members performances.
KURT: I think it's the dead mother thing that makes them like me in some way... :)
- :( sorry.
KURT: don't be, still want to see that tape. :)
-Fine.. :)
KURT: yay!
-Do you think your dad would like me? I mean we've met but you sort of hung out with my mom so..
KURT: I think he would, why?
-'Cause y'know, my dad isn't much of a dad and your dad seems pretty awesome...
KURT: still not budging?
-Didn't I tell you, he bailed. We were at the airport, he had a boarding pass, someone called from
work and he left.
KURT: Harsh...what did your mom say?
-That's what I don't get, it's all fine for her…she doesn't mind at all! It's infuriating.
KURT: Wow, that's weird. And you're still spending Christmas eve at your grandparent's?
-yeah, we're meeting him there.
KURT: You nervous?
-Very, I never got to speak to any of them personally about my sexuality and the incident.
KURT: It'll be fine, your mom wouldn't take you to a warzone...
-let's hope..
Late that night we board onto a private charter my grandfather owns, it feels weird to be aware of his extravagance. Eva falls asleep after a full day of treats and rides and running around. I try to finish a bowl of fruit when my mother sits across me, "Are you feeling okay, honey?" She asks.
"I don't know. What's happening with dad? Why is he always leaving? Where does he go?"
"I..."
"For work? Why do I find that hard to believe?" I say, Eva stirs in her seat. "Sorry, it's just, you said, come home for Christmas, he's trying to make it up to me with King's Island. But he wasn't even there. I just want to understand."
"I don't like keeping things from you, but this time I have to, alright? Just trust me when I say things are the way they are for a very important reason." My mother says gravely. With that I take a bite of a piece of watermelon and end my questioning.
My grandfather's Southampton estate is unnecessarily vast. I enjoyed it here as a child, just in awe of all the running space, now I just feel out of place. The main mansion in itself has 10 bedrooms, with their own baths. It houses a library, a gym, a parlor, professional kitchen staff, a wine cellar, and a music hall. The whole estate includes 2 smaller villas, a greenhouse, the lake house and grandfather's garage.
My father used to say that wealth has been in this family for generations, but when he and his siblings finished college, their father required them to look for their own place and pay their own way because Grandfather didn't want them to think they had it easy because they had the money.
Driving past the gates was a different sensation. The last time I did they had no idea, not a clue, that I was gay.
Will they be like my father? Are Mac and Sophia here already?
My mother notices my discomfort and takes my hand. Our car slowly turns into the main mansion's drop off and I see a familiar cane and the old man attached to it, looking regal and...happy?
"Poppa!" Eva cheers gives him a kiss on the cheek. "Arthur, so nice to see you. You look well." My mother says. "Ah, the year has been good to me dear. I had to make sure I'd be strong enough for this." I take a step and offer my hand, "Hello, grandfather."
He looks at my hand confusingly, not taking it. "Grandfather?! Come here boy! I want a proper greeting, none of that grandfather business!" He throws his arms around me, enveloping me into a tight
hug. "So glad you could be here with me Blaine. I don't see why he didn't send you here to begin with, stupid, stupid that son of mine. Ohio! There are many boarding schools around here." I just stand there, surprised by everything he just said. "Let me look at you, my goodness, we look more alike, well when I was your age. But do the not feed you there boy? I mean you look a little small. Come along, I had Marie make some pies for your arrival. The music hall is set, I hope you do delight us with that voice of yours."
I chuckle, his arm still around me. "I could try, but Eva is the new star, sir."
"Is she really? Well, a duet then." He smiles.
Then a rumble from the halls starts to echo. Bounding from the corner, I see my cousins, in matching sweaters, darting towards me. I move away from my grandfather quickly and run as fast as I can.
"Woah, he's gotten fast."
"Not fast enough!"
I make a wrong turn into a narrow corridor, one of the service passages to the main dining hall, it's darker with the curtains loose. I hear nothing. I feel lightheaded suddenly, then terrified then I find myself being pinned to the floor. "Stop squirming Blaine! It's just us." One of the twins draws a curtain back to let some light in. "You look pale."
"Hi Sophia! Oh you're Mac..sorry...still can't tell you guys apart." I tease.
They've haven't changed much either. Mac has filled out now, looking like he hits the gym regularly, but still has that carefully coiffed bouffant on his head. He would actually fit into Dalton quite well, in fact he really has a 'Wes'-like aura to him. Maybe that's why Wes and I get along.
Sophia, even when we were children she had this beauty that sort of made you take a second look. When we were younger, she had her hair cut just like her brother, and we couldn't tell them apart. There was an androgynous vibe to her back then. But now, her hair waved down to her shoulders and she her lips were glistening.
"Bullshiiit. The joke's old and you know it." Mac shouts above me.
"I would appreciate if you stop crushing my ribs now."
"Only if you stop using that joke."
"Never." I laugh.
"C'mon Mac, let him go. Hi Blaine."
"Holy shit! Where's Sophia and what have you done with her?" Mac lifts himself and helps me up as well.
"No dirt on your face, your hair is combed through, is that lip gloss?" I say pointing at her face to taunt her.
"Shut it!" she smacks my hand.
"You make a fine lady Mac." I say trying to put my arm around his shoulder, tip toeing.
"What did I say about that joke Blaine." he pretend punches my gut and we start to move.
"So when did you guys fly in?"
"Day after school ended, been boring actually." Sophia adds.
Apparently Grandfather has been quite excited, there's a chance everyone in the family will be here by tomorrow night for Christmas Eve, he's been using all his means to get everyone together. We walk around the mansion, catching up on almost 2 years of separation. Sophia has been going to Saint Cecilia, that all girls boarding school on the Upper East side, she has her eyes on Yale for college. Mac wants to try to study overseas, but their mother still needs convincing. They don't ask about the incident or my sexuality, I attempt to bring it up but I backpedal.
"You're bunking with me tonight man, no buts." Mac smacks my shoulder as one of the house help staff informs us lunch is served, and they've been looking for us.
"You know there's enough room for everyone right?" I say as we turn the corner towards the dining hall.
"Yeah, but...just bunk with me okay?"
The lunch table is deafeningly quiet and awkward. Nobody noticed when we walked in. Mac and Sophia took the chairs close to their mother, my Aunt Gina who is seated next to her fourth husband. She looked at me and nodded, I tried to smile back. The only vacant seat was the one next to my grandfather, usually where my father sat, but now he's two chairs away. I look down the whole time to find my seat, afraid to find my relatives staring at me. I catch a glimpse of Eva who keeps on looking at the high mirrored ceiling as she chews.
My Aunt Gina doesn't look like my grandfather, or my father or, me. I guess she looks like my grandmother, a little. She's statuesque, with tight curls like ladies from the fifties, that classic elegance. Not bad for someone who has, like, seven kids now, the twins being the eldest. That's how you differentiate them, the twins look very Anderson-ish, brown hair, on the short side, they also carry our last name because, well, they never got to meet their father. Their sisters, from my aunt's second husband are blond, a bit shy and they seem to have longer legs cause Candace is three years younger than us and she's as tall as I am. The boys from her third husband are curly redheads, really loud and all over the place. How this fourth husband is handling it is a mystery and an achievement. She's usually passive when it comes to me. Always has been.
"Blaine," my grandfather says, "what will you be playing for us tomorrow evening?"
"I haven't played in a while sir." I reply apologetically.
"Anything will do son. I just want to hear something amazing."
I panic. His encouragement feels nice, but also smothering or I'm just not really used to it anymore. When I was younger I loved being the center of grandfather's attention. Now I'm just too worried to see dad's reaction.
Does he really know what I am? Does he understand?
I walk around the estate grounds that afternoon, not feeling like bonding with my cousins. I arrive at the lake house and the water is near frozen. I gather some pebbles and sit at the edge of the dock, throwing them one by one.
"You won't find your answers on those pebbles." I look up to see someone I thought to be forever gone, my Aunt Ally, my father's youngest sister. She looks like my grandmother, no doubt, a straight copy. She looks like a little fairy, with her pixie cut and layered scarves. Her eyes are a deep green like moss, they look mysterious and appealing. Her lips always seem to hide a smirk, like she's always up to something.
Last I heard she decided to move as far away from her siblings as possible. The age gap between her and the rest made it quite difficult. She was the rebel, the outcast. She always gave the best presents though, water guns, fire crackers, things my father would never get me.
"Aunt Ally!" I give her a hug as she sits next to me.
"Sneaking away?" She asks.
"Just...thinking." I manage to say, head dropping down again.
"You look good, Blaine. At least for someone who was assaulted and forced to hide out in Ohio, you look sane. A little thin but, sane"
"Wha?"
"Everybody's been playing it down? Sorry. But it's the truth right?"
"I don't know much about the forced hideout part of that, but yes."
"Seriously, I wish they just let you stay here, you shouldn't have been alone after the attack. If your dad let me have a say, I would vote you to stay here or move to Europe with me. I know Dad hated the fact you were shipped off like that. "
"You've been in Europe all this time? It was okay I guess, I have friends there in Ohio." I smile at the thought of the Warblers, most I haven't called over the holidays.
"It's good to have friends." she smiles. "I'm going to step inside and make my presence known, play The Christmas Song tomorrow, he loves that."
"How did you?..Okay, I will. Thanks. Nice to see you again."
I tried not to think of my father, the fact that the last time I sang in the music hall was with him three years ago, before anything ever happened. I tried to focus on my grandfather, how weird it is that he has shown a great amount of kindness and understanding. Then again it may be pity. I decide to think of the better things, the happier things, the Christmas-y things.
"I am thankful for..." I say to myself adjusting my tie. "for the Warblers, for Kurt, for Dalton. I am thankful for Mom and Eva. I am thankful for Aunt Ally and Grandfather, Mac and Sophia. I am thankful that I'm not in the Dalton dining halls tonight."
The Music hall was now filled with guests, Dad's cousins, their children, people I don't even recognize, probably neighbors. I find Eva running around with the other kids her age.
"Dapper as always." Sophia nudges my side.
"Hey Mac, oh damn, it's you... I noticed..you know..the boobs." I motion my chest and she laughs.
"Ha..ha..wise-ass."
"What's it like having a lot of sisters and brothers."
"Half sisters and brothers, Mac is my only brother. It's alright, all kinds of rowdy."
"Glad to be off to college soon?"
"You know it."
"Why does your mother hate me?"
"She doesn't." I look at her incredulously.
"Alright, maybe she does. She's just jealous that none of us are like you with the musical gift and grandfather's attention. We're okay with it, I wouldn't want to feel the pressure of having to follow the footsteps of the renowned composer and pianist, Arthur Anderson. "
"That doesn't make sense but thanks, I feel more nervous now." I laugh. "When I came out, I never got to thank you for reaching out to me."
Sophia seemed taken aback by what I said, I didn't mean to bring it up but it felt like I needed to tell her and this would be the only opportunity I had.
"We weren't much help where we? We've been trying to reach you at Dalton for ages. But your dad was very... protective of you."
"Protective?"
Clink clink clink
"Ladies and Gentlemen, family and friends, I would like to thank you all for joining me this evening. What joy is it to be amongst the people we love at a time like this?! I for one am completely overjoyed, my late wife would be as well, for all of our wonderful children and their families are here. My eldest and the only one to carry my name, Benjamin, here with his wife Olivia and their two children, Blaine and Eva. Gina my eldest daughter and her growing family, Mac and Sophia, Candace, Bill, Ryan, Tasha and Jack. And Aliana my youngest. This is the one thing I treasure most, that though our lives, hectic and drawn apart, we are able to come together to celebrate the love and peace that is Christmas! Merry Christmas all!"
Everyone raises their glasses, I hear the clinking of crystal as I take my place behind the keys of my grandfather's concert piano.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos
Everybody knows
A turkey and some mistletoe
Help to make the season bright
Tiny tots with their eyes all a-glow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight
Eva stands by my side and looks at me, I cue her into the song and the moment she opens her mouth everyone quiets down to listen to her in awe.
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of toys
And goodies on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really know
How to fly
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said
Many times many ways
Merry Christmas to you
I see my father shift from the corner of my eye to lift Eva onto the piano, she laughs and I almost stop playing at the sound of my father's voice blending into my little sister's and mine. He's looking straight at me, smiling and I could almost smile back.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said
Many times many ways
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
To you
I don't notice the applause that followed, or the fact that everyone is starting to file out to the dining hall for the Christmas feast. I snap out of it when someone holds my shoulder.
"That was lovely Blaine." I stand abruptly to leave the hall, go outside, get away, again my lungs are failing me, my stomach was constricting. I leave my father standing there in confusion. I'm sure that grandfather saw.
I break into a run and manage to trip on my feet into one of the gardens in the west villa. I start hyperventilating, and tears start to fall on my cheeks. I could feel the damp grass on my face and I struggle to lift myself enough to sit. My suit is ruined.
What is he doing?! Does he think he could just walk back into my life and we forget everything?!
"B-Blaine?" a voice coming from behind me, Aunt Ally.
"He changed! Everything changed when I told him I was gay. I wasn't the son he wanted anymore. I ruined it. He threw me away. I'm sorry..I'm sorry. I try, sometimes I try to not be gay. So I can take it back and everything will be the same! I'm sorry. I try.. I try. I made a mistake, he was a mistake, I'm a stupid mistake. Eva needs him and he's always away because of me, she'll be broken. And..and..Mom is sad, I can see her eyes she's sad and she wouldn't be if I wasn't.. I'm sorry. "
"Shhhh shhhh.." She kneels and holds my head to her chest, my tears soiling her dress."You don't need to be anyone but yourself. And I don't know why Ben let you go like that, but the people we love can be stupid sometimes. People do stupid things. But you loving another boy, that is not wrong or stupid or a mistake. You are not a mistake and you didn't ruin anything by being true to yourself and the people you love."
"I'm sorry..I'm sorry, I'll try harder, I promise..I'll really try this time."
"No, shhh shhh..It's okay Blaine. When I came out, Daddy was not pleased, Mother was crying and your father and Gina didn't talk to me for days. I was an embarrassment, a disappointment and the worst thing to happen to this family."
My sobs quiet down as I try to speak, unable to comprehend what she said.
"Wha..You? What happened?"
"I did all they wanted, counseling, seminars, camps. Whenever I came home, they would ask, 'Still a dyke?' I would say 'yes' and they'd ground me."
"Is that why you left?"
"No, I left because Europe is amazing. But when they were exhausted trying to 'fix' me, Mom got sick. At some point they blamed me. I caused her pain after all. But one night she asked for me, and everyone was there. I'll never forget what she said, she was sorry, sorry that they allowed me to be treated like I was the worst creation. She was my mother and she forgot to protect me, to love me. She forgot that I needed her and that was her biggest failure. I told her I had forgiven her, and dad, Ben and Gina. I had no anger towards them, they just didn't understand. She told me not to forget her, to remember that she loves me despite her wrong judgments and she wished she had more time to make it up."
"That night changed everything, the way Dad treated me, the way your father thinks, and Gina just moved on. My mother had told them that her last wish was for the family to accept, to remember that I am an Anderson and being gay doesn't make me any less the person they knew. I never heard an insult from your father again, your grandfather always made sure I knew that he was sorry and we went to mother's grave every Sunday before they moved her here."
"Here?" I realized where I was then, the Villa right next to the main mansion was the one place we weren't allowed to play when we were younger, nobody lived there. A garden the surrounded it had the most colorful wildflowers and Sophia always wanted to play here but tall shrubs closed the area. In the middle of the garden stood a stone bust of my grandmother who I recognize from photos and paintings.
"Blaine, the only thing you can do right now, is be strong. I know for a fact your father does not hate you, definitely did not 'throw' you away, your grandfather would kill him. He loves you, so much, but he doesn't know how to reconcile what happened with me and how he should reconnect with you. I still think he blames me sometimes. I think he hates himself too sometimes."
"Why?"
"Imagine how powerless he might have felt when you told him? He knows you won't change Blaine, because I didn't, he knows that this is who you are and the only option is to accept it. But what was mapped out in his head on how to raise you, changed completely. He was ready to talk about girls, ready for you to ask for a car so you could take her out and ready for your questions on how to win someone over. He was caught off-guard. That night you got beat up, he called me, crying, asking what to do. I told him, be there for you, stay by your side and tell you everything is going to be okay. I offered to fly out but he refused. I knew he didn't want me to see him broken down, but I could tell. He called too when the other boy passed, he said he didn't know how to tell you, he actually said he didn't know how to take your pain away and that he wished he could. Sometimes being different also means seeing things the way only the different can."
"Do you know why he shipped me off to Dalton?"
"No. That choice was something we all argued about, because it was such an abrupt decision to send you away. But he was persistent and in the end you were sent there and none of us were allowed to talk to you. He stopped calling me after that, Olivia would update us about you but I don't think your dad knew. I would have kidnapped you honestly, just one flight to Ohio." She smiled.
"I don't know what to think anymore. You and mom say one thing, he shows another."
"Hang in there, you've been through a lot."
"You have too, I had no idea."
"And look how I turned out?! Seriously though Blaine, you're a strong kid, and it's difficult right now but it will get better."
I take a deep breath.
"We should go back." I say, my voice hoarse.
"We can, or we can stay here."
"Let's go back, I know you miss the food and I don't want grandfather to worry."
"Alright," we both stand, butts damp from the grass, "we should change clothes before, agreed?"
"Agreed."
Last night's dinner passed and ended without as much as a question from my grandfather or my father. They didn't ask why we went missing for the first 2 courses or why we changed clothes or why my eyes were puffy and red. After, I retreated to my bedroom and fell asleep.
I wake up Christmas Day to the clinking of a tray being put down by my bedside. I decide to pretend to sleep, than have to talk to whoever is bringing me breakfast.
"It's past lunch.", a deep voice says worriedly.
Dad?
My mother pulls the covers up to my neck, "Let him sleep."
"Ally was right. I should have.."
"There were many rights and wrongs in front of us when it happened. Can't we just have a good Christmas Ben?" she says caressing my hair.
I hear my dad walk away, my mother stays a while before standing up and leaving as well. I open my eyes, the drapes are still drawn, and I'm wearing the white polo shirt and argyle sweater vest from last night, someone removed my shoes though. I sit up, beside me a breakfast tray of orange juice, french toast, cereals and Christmas cookies looked really enticing. A smile forms on my mouth, I feel a spark of what I knew Christmas was like, so I get up and let the light in.
On my way down the staircase I hear cheers and laughter echoing from the East Wing, Grandfather's bedroom. I take the few flights back and walk slowly. The closer I get to the double doors of his suite, the louder I hear Eva's laugh. I peep in carefully, making sure no one notices. And I see my sister, in my grandfather's arms. He's just given her a present and she's showering him with kisses. I see my cousins gathered around as well, some with presents unwrapped, all cheerfully looking on. I knock and step in, everyone quiets down.
"I knew someone spiked your sparkling soda!" Mac shouts from the floor, he gets up and puts his arm around my shoulder, "Sleepyhead. Here!" he takes a small blue box from his pocket and hands it to me. "It's from Sophia and me, maybe Aunt Ally too, alright it's really from your mom and dad." I open the blue box to find a familiar keychain, my car keys attached to it. I look at my mom, my dad, all these eyes on me, then back to Mac who's holding me like he knows I need the support. My mother speaks up, "It's in the garage, but we'll arrange to bring it home with us or Westerville, wherever you want...I.."
"Thank you." I say. "Thanks...I...thank you." I give Mac a hug and everyone goes back to their chattering and cheering. The kids open their presents, I look on and smile as I see their faces light up, they start running with their new toys to play and we start to move out of the room, I hear my father suggesting he prepare some drinks for us. My stomach flips at the thought of his special hot cocoa.
"Blaine,"
"Yes, sir." I turn around to answer grandfather.
"Join me in here for a while." he whispers.
We walk into the room across his bedroom, his reading room. Shelves of books surround the room, some are on the floor and his desk is piled with loose papers and more books. The sun shines into the space beautifully, I think.
"I hope the Warblers make it this year." He says casually as he takes a seat on his high back executive chair.
"Excuse me sir?" I sit on armrest of the velvet leather couch in the middle of the room. Only then I notice how alike we're dressed, sweater vest over a polo shirt. He doesn't have a bowtie on but he's wearing the red, green and cream colored argyle vest, the same one he wears every Christmas day.
"The Warblers, they haven't won a National in years, I heard they did this year, and you're a part of that. I hope they continue to win."
"Oh..I hope so too sir, those boys work really hard." I look out the window, avoiding his gaze, unsure why we're here for small talk and a little bit terrified.
"Mhm. Son, you know among my grandchildren I treasure you right? Gina won't stop accusing me of it. And I know you sense that it's true." he says, staring at me intently.
"Uhm..I'm not sure how to respond to that sir," I shift in my seat.
"The last time you were here, you called me Gramps, not Grandfather, not Sir, Gramps. I always loved that."
"I..."
"Surely Westerville hasn't changed you that much?"
No but bruises and stitches probably had something to do with it.
"When I found out that you were in Westerville, and your father refused we reach out to you, for reasons though justified, was still wrong. I was expecting a call from you."
What?
"I was hoping that my favorite grandson knew, that he had a place to go. That he knew that I loved him and one call from him would have brought him here." he sighs.
"I..I.."
"But you didn't."
"I didn't think you wanted me, that anyone would want someone like me."
"Someone like you? A bright, talented boy?"
"I'm GAY, sir. GAY! I LIKE...BOYS! I...I " I don't know why I did it, but now I'm standing up, hands in fists and I'm looking at my grandfather like I...like I want to punch something. I could hear my voice in my head, like my words are bouncing off the walls.
I just shouted at my grandfather. Shit, I'm in for it now. Why isn't he talking?
He shifts from his chair and stands across me, he's still a few inches taller. He fixes his calm eyes on mine, "I will say this, it took me a long time to get with the idea - to understand. We were raised at a different time, a different mindset. But when your daughter, your youngest, your princess, tells you she loves someone and it isn't who you expect, you think, what would your parents do? And we were so caught up in righting wrongs that we didn't see. It took your grandmother's death for us to find clarity. We want to do right by you Blaine, just let us. We are family, your family, let us in. You've been here three days now and I haven't seen the young man who loved to sing and make us all smile. But a boy who's so scared to be himself is standing in his place. Please stop hiding away, we've only got you for Christmas break and I only see you at meals. You have your head down, wary of your actions, afraid you might offend. That's not you, and it's not a good way to live."
He moves away from me to take a few papers from his desk. "These are applications and some brochures, to schools you can transfer to here. Look into them, I won't have you too far from us until you really want to be."
I reach out to take the stack of papers from his hands, but I wrap my arms around him instead. "I'm sorry for being distant. I'm sorry I never called. I didn't think it was an option." I move out of the hug but he holds me closer, "I love you Blaine, no matter what."
His words echo in my ear and I feel like I could actually have a better year to come.
I spend the next few days with my cousins and Eva, we would run around the main house and play. We converted one of the bedrooms into an indoor camp where everyone snuggles into sleeping bags and we tell stories to the younger ones at night. I read Eva more Narnia and sleep next to her.
"Where can we go tonight? Let's go out." I ask Mac as we walk to the dining hall for dinner. "Out? As in out, out?"
"Yeah, I want to drive somewhere, take the car for a spin."
Meals since Christmas have been more entertaining. I sit next to the twins now and we end up getting the little ones to play with their food so Aunt Gina would make them eat more greens. Aunt Ally has been really chatty with Mom. And Dad, the only person I haven't talked to, is always discussing something with grandfather, or is always on the phone. They're always whispering, but occasionally joining in to laugh at Aunt Gina's new husband's joke.
Dinner ends and we tuck the kids into their sleeping bags. I finish reading Eva a few pages before heading to grandfather's reading room to let them know we're going out.
I hear laughter and glasses clinking. I knock four times before fully opening the door. "Uhm..hi..hi everyone..Mom, I was thinking of taking the car out tonight, Mac and So will be with me and we won't be out long, promise." I say, and as my mom starts to open her mouth for a reply, Dad doesn't let her. "No. Go out tomorrow morning. When was the last time you..?"
"Almost two years ago, before you took my car away." I snap at him. His eyebrows start to crease, he looks at my mom, like he's looking for someone to back him up.
"I'll go with them," Aunt Ally stands "I can seat in the front seat, make sure he's in check." She holds me by the shoulders and ushers me out of the room.
"So where to?" she asks. "Uhh..no idea. It might be a good thing you're here." I say.
We walk to the garage, I asked the twins to wait for me, to give me 15 minutes to notify them we were leaving. They're already in my car the moment we arrive. Even if they didn't allow us to leave, the plan was to leave anyway.
Aunt Ally pops into the passenger seat and I stand for a while gazing at the still flawless racing green shine of my MGB GT V8. It was a gift from grandfather. I rush to the driver's side, open the door quickly to settle into the cream colored interior. I run my hand through the dashboard, the buttons and switches glistening in the night. I put the key in and take hold of the wheel.
"Any day now Blaine..." Mac jokes.
"Right."
"Remember, we want to live."
I start the car and rev up the engine, everyone buckles in and we rush out of the garage. I manage to get us out of the villa without a scratch.
"So where to?" I ask the twins.
"We thought you knew a place you wanted to go to." Sophie responds.
"There's a place we could go to. If you kids want. But we have to get some supplies first" Aunt Ally suggests. We drive to a nearby grocery, Aunt Ally asks us to stay in the car while she braves the cold night to buy a few things.
She walks back to the car holding three full grocery bags.
"I'm willing to bet there's booze in there." Sophia says
Aunt Ally hands the bags back to the twins and we all hear the sound of bottles pushing against each other.
"You know the way to the East Marina?"
"Which one?"
"East Islip."
"That's almost an hour away?!" Sophia protests.
"You wanted to drive right?" She asks me. I smile and set the gears on reverse and we drive out of the grocery parking lot. The night just got way more interesting than I expected.
On our way past Eastport, I find the twins snoozing in the backseat. Aunt Ally notices, "You sleepy? I can drive if you'd like."
"No, What's in Islip?"
"My personal hiding place. I used to run away there whenever the camps and the treatments were too much. My first day at this summer camp for...well..for people like us, I met a girl. She was..I could say she was beautiful but that wouldn't even cut it. She was effervescent. But the treatments took all that light away from her. We shared...a friendship."
"She became your girlfriend?"
"No, she was a soulmate, and that's better. After those 3 months of treatment, her parents found her lifeless in her bedroom, a bottle of sleeping pills in her hand."
"I'm sorry."
"I am too sometimes, but I figure she's in a much better place. Anyway, at the time I had no idea why she gave me what she did, but it turned out to be pretty useful when your grandfather didn't want to see me. That's where we're going."
We speed through streetlights with the Beatles' Revolver to keep us company.
"We're here sleepyheads!" I shout, making everyone in the car jump and curse at me. We arrive at the marina almost half past midnight. The parking lot is empty, the stores are closed and the sound of the ocean fills echoes through the silence. We walk to the edge of one of the docks, rows of boats bobbing up and down. Aunt Ally stops at the one labelled Hannah. She hops into the nose of the charter boat and takes a key out of her pocket, one twist and the door's open.
"C'mon children! Time to get you wasted!" she screams and goes inside. Mac and Sopia cheer on carrying the bags of god knows what.
Apparently Aunt Ally has been a curator by day and a bartender by night. She whips up different drinks for us, each one more interesting and tastier than the last. Sophia admits to feeling buzzed by the second round of shots.
"Nothing like getting your niece drunk." We laugh. Another two rounds and Sophia is on the sofa sleeping, Mac is being really obnoxious, loud and thinks everything is funny.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! My head is spinning! BARTENDER! YOU ARE AMAZING! FUCKYEAH"
He covers his mouth all of a sudden, Aunt Ally guides him to the bathroom and I take a bottle of vodka with me and head outside.
The cold should probably be bothering me, but I can feel the heat in my throat and stomach as I take a swig. I grab my phone to dial Kurt's number. He doesn't answer. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can hear the water, well the boats sort of floating in the water, a light breeze dancing through closed sails, and later footsteps on the wooden planks.
"So they're spent. I think I did a great job."
I laugh. "Won't you get in trouble for this?"
"Nah, I won't let you drive us home kid. We have all the time to drive back later when the sun is up and everyone's sober. Here, I have no idea why I have that but I figure you have a song in you tonight waiting to be heard."
She hands me a guitar and starts humming.
When I wake up early in the morning
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream (Float up stream)
Please, don't wake me, no, don't shake me
Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping
Everybody seems to think I'm lazy
I don't mind, I think they're crazy
Running everywhere at such a speed
Till they find there's no need (There's no need)
Please, don't spoil my day, I'm miles away
And after all I'm only sleeping
Keeping an eye on the world going by my window
Taking my time
Lying there and staring at the ceiling
Waiting for a sleepy feeling...
Please, don't spoil my day, I'm miles away
And after all I'm only sleeping
Ooh yeah
Keeping an eye on the world going by my window
Taking my time
When I wake up early in the morning
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream (Float up stream)
Please, don't wake me, no, don't shake me
Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping
Aunt Ally drives us back home, it's late in the afternoon, two nights before New Year's Eve. My head still hurts, I feel like a shower would be the answer to my hangover. We all look like we could use more sleep. I have no idea what to tell my parents.
We walk into the threshold, groggy and tired. All of a sudden I feel a stinging pain on my left arm, "Aliana, what the hell?! Where did you run off too? Why is no one answering their phones!? You! Get dressed, NOW!" My father pushes me to the stairs, I trip over the first few steps and he just lifts me like a sack and pushes me again.
"Let go of me!" I shout prying his hands off me.
My mother rushes down the stairs, takes my hand and says, "Come on Blaine, we have to hurry."
"What?! Why?"
"Just trust me sweetie."
She leads me to my room, all my things have been packed except for a fresh change of clothes. "Where are we going?"
"Home." Eva peeps through the door.
"Eva I told you to stay with Auntie Gina!" my mother shouts in frustration.
"I'll get dressed. But tell me what's happening after."
She nods and lifts Eva to leave me to change.
I grab my Justin's journal, my backpack and run downstairs where I hear my father and grandfather arguing.
"You don't have to leave right now Ben! This isn't the way to do it, he doesn't have a clue. You can't just spring this on him!"
"And if it's too late, we can't let this slide!"
"And the other boy?! What about him?! Will he testify as well?!"
"What's happening dad?" I say to my father calmly, looking straight into his eyes.
"Let's go." He walks out the door and into the car, without saying a word to anyone in the room.
"I'll see you soon Blaine, call me when you decide where you want to transfer." Grandfather puts his arm around my shoulder and leads me to the door. The twins emerge, Sophia gives me a bearhug and whispers, "We'll fly to Lima for Regionals, that's a promise."
My younger cousins are nowhere to be found, hidden from view. "Thank you." I say to my aunt and her new husband, they're standing at the end of the staircase. I look around, for Auntie Ally. "She left." My mother says carrying Eva out the door.
"Bye Gramps." Eva says sadly. Grandfather throws her a kiss and I turn around to walk to the car as well.
"Thank you Gramps. I love you."
My grandfather cups my face, just like my mother and says, "You don't have to do this if you're not ready. Just...just take care of yourself son, and don't be a stranger, let people in."
I turn around and get into the car, I turn my head back to see the worried faces of dad's family grow smaller and smaller.
"I demand to know why we're leaving early? Where are we going?!" I shout. Eva covers her ears, I look at her to ask for forgiveness, but she buries her head into my mom's shoulder. Our driver is speeding to the nearest airport.
"Home. They've found them, well, two of them. A witness is needed to identify and they can't hold them for long without evidence. We can't let them get away with it son. After what they did to you, for Seth's life, we just can't. I need you to be the strong man I know you are."
"Them." I whisper looking into the eyes of my dad as he looks at my through the overhead rear view mirror. His mobile phone rings and he's forced to look away.
Just like that I could feel the dirt on my tongue and the stinging pain in my stomach again. Bones long healed and bruises that have long subsided feel fresh. The night that changed my life was all of a sudden alive and my world was spinning again. I close my eyes and I feel Eva's tiny hand wipe a tear off my cheek.
tbc
A/N: Let me first apologize that this update took ages. I had a difficult time writing it, and the christmas break arc isn't over yet. As always I am grateful, for your comments, support and the fact that you finished reading this chapter. I've been working on this for a year now and I can only be thankful for everything. :D