After preparing myself I went down to the breakfast room. As I always I found coffee and my meal awaiting me. Dame Fairfax never made me wait for a meal and was always prompt with my morning letters as I ate at the table.
"Thank you Mrs. Fairfax. Do you know when Miss Eyre's coach arrives?"
"Shortly after two I believe sir. Shall I intrude upon you in your study sir when she arrives?"
"There is no need mame', as I plan to finish my work this morning. Good morning," I said as I left the room.
My paper work seemed monotonous and overly tedious, and I found my thoughts wandering to the reunion that was awaiting me. When I finished looking over a tenancy agreement for the second time, I decided it was time to call it a day. I found my journal, put on my coat and made my way outside hoping the clear day would provide me with some solace until my beloved came to me again.
After walking a short distance I found a secluded part of land that was along the path Jane's carriage would be taking from Millcote. I settled down and let my thoughts take hold of my pen.
By this evening my Jane will be with me again and I shall find some happiness in this prison I have created. How I long to hold her in my arms and plant kisses all over her fragile face. But I know I must wait for such little luxuries for I have to determine if my Jane loves me as I love her which seems entirely too much to hope for. Still just being near her brings me overwhelming happiness that I thought I would never fine in this horrendous life of mine.
Yes that life I have created, in this prison, where I know the passion of my heart will forever elude me. If Jane knew my secrets, my sins and my shame she would run from Thornfield forever and I would have nothing left but my pitiful self.
But even with these dreadful thoughts my heart is as ease for simply being with her brings me such immeasurable happiness. I do not deserve her and if she knew my ways she would leave me but I can bear to keep my shame hidden from her if that is what I must do to be with her. I do desire to share everything with her but surely my secret is such I can keep her at bay and hidden from the disgusting truth. She will have every other part of me and I long to make her mine completely.
I closed my journal and began sketching the surroundings around me but the only think my hand would draw were the eyes that had captured my soul. As I began to stencil in the irises, I saw the familiar figure of my Jane. I withheld my urge to run towards her and take her in my arms. Instead I closed my journal and said, "Hillo! There you are! Come on, if you please."
She smiled in her shy way as I made way to her. I was surprised she had not taken the carriage but I knew my Jane had a spirit that desired to be one with nature and treasured these grounds.
I said, "And this is Jane Eyre? Are you coming from Millcote, and on foot? Yes--just one of your tricks: not to send for a carriage, and come clattering over street and road like a common mortal, but to steal into the vicinage of your home along with twilight, just as if you were a dream or a shade. What the deuce have you done with yourself this last month?"
"I have been with my aunt, sir, who is dead." There was little remorse in her words and I could tell her lonely spirit felt little sympathy in losing such an unworthy relation.
I said, "A true Janian reply! Good angels be my guard! She comes from the other world--from the abode of people who are dead; and tells me so when she meets me alone here in the gloaming! If I dared, I'd touch you, to see if you are substance or shadow, you elf!--but I'd as soon offer to take hold of a blue ignis fatuus light in a marsh. Truant! truant! Absent from me a whole month, and forgetting me quite, I'll be sworn!"
As I spoke her eyes followed every movement of my rambling lips. She enquired of my journey to London which I had nearly forgotten.
I said, "Yes; I suppose you found that out by second-sight."
"Mrs. Fairfax told me in a letter."
"And did she inform you what I went to do?"
"Oh, yes, sir! Everybody knew your errand."
I arranged something for Jane, something that would no doubt reveal my feelings for her and hopefully uncover hers but I did not want to reveal too much too soon. Even as I pictured her in the lovely carriage her heart was not yet mine and I could not let my emotions run away with me.
I said, "You must see the carriage, Jane, and tell me if you don't think it will suit Mrs. Rochester exactly; and whether she won't look like Queen Boadicea, leaning back against those purple cushions. I wish, Jane, I were a trifle better adapted to match with her externally. Tell me now, fairy as you are--can't you give me a charm, or a philter, or something of that sort, to make me a handsome man?"
Yes I was in no way as handsome as my lovely Jane. Her eyes pierced my soul and I understood every movement her lips made. Her skin was like ivory, so smooth, rare, precious and delicate, and I was desperate to run my fingers through her long hair.
As I lost myself in her beauty, she said, "It would be past the power of magic, sir. A loving eye is all the charm needed: to such you are handsome enough; or rather your sternness has a power beyond beauty."
Her reply affected me and I was unsure of myself again. Perhaps she felt nothing for me and found me as monstrous as I found myself. At that moment I felt my heart shed a tear but I concealed it as I best I could.
I said, "Pass, Janet, go up home, and stay your weary little wandering feet at a friend's threshold."
"Thank you, Mr. Rochester, for your great kindness. I am strangely glad to get back again to you: and wherever you are is my home--my only home."
My fears dissipated as she finished her sentence and I found myself in complete confidence of her feelings. If I was her home as she said than surely she loved me as I loved her for a woman such as Jane would make no such comment in haste or without thought. She was too guarded, too careful of her words to say something that she did not mean. I found myself almost skipping back to the house but kept hold of my feelings.
As soon as we were there Adele and Mrs. Fairfax greeted us and I made my leave for I knew staying in her presence too long would reveal too much. As I prepared myself for dinner my thoughts were only of Jane. I knew she was tired after such a long journey and I was selfish for wishing to fall deep in conversation with her after dinner but it was all I wanted. I longed to hear from those lips and from that soothing voice that talked in a way only I could understand.
After dinner I asked Mrs. Fairfax to send for Jane and Adele. As the child played I talked mostly at Jane as she was in little mood for conversation due to fatigue. She did not complain but I knew I was asking too much of her to stay for even a few hours.
"Dear Jane, how tired you must be after your long journey. Please leave me for the evening and get some much needed rest. Sophie will take care of Adele and we can continue our discussion tomorrow evening," I said.
She smile and said, "Thank you Mr. Rochester. As much as I would like to sit with you I feel it is time for me to rest this evening. Good night sir and I will see you tomorrow."
"Good night Jane and sweet dreams."
It was too much but I could not control my tongue. She was too tired to even take notice. As Adele played I found a book on the fauna of the Andes to occupy my mind for the rest of the evening. However it did little to distract my thoughts for I knew my Jane loved me as I loved her.