Author's note: Oh, things are going to heat up pretty soon! The reveal will be coming soon, I promise! Then more angst will come! I hope you're all ready for it. That's all I have to say for now.

Warnings: Rape

Disclaimer: I own nothing but minor OCs

My lover's got humor,

He's the giggle at a funeral,

Knows everybody's disapproval

I should've worshiped him sooner,

If the heavens ever did speak,

He's the last true mouthpiece,

Every Sunday's getting more bleak,

A fresh poison each week,

We were born sick; you heard them say it,

My church offers no absolute; tells me worship in the bedroom,

The only heaven I'll be sent to is when I'm alone with you

(Merlin's p.o.v)

"Take a seat. Do you want anything to drink? We a have a fresh pot of peppermint tea."

"Sure," he nodded his head numbly, mind still racing as he stared at the blonde woman. No, as he stared at Arthur's mother.

The wind howled lowly at the window, tapping against the thick glass. He paid no mind to it; rather he observed the contents of the little office. He was occupying a soft red chair, its companion facing him with a small table in the middle. A fireplace was going and he could feel the heat touch his cold skin. A kettle was keeping warm on the small stove nearby, which Ygraine was currently monitoring with heavy blue eyes. A dark haired woman leaned against a doorframe, arms crossed over her chest and violet colored eyes staring at him intensely. He tried not to pay any attention to her.

"Here," Ygraine placed a cup filled with tea in his hand, the aroma of peppermint tickling his nose. "Would you like anything in it?"

"No," he shook his head. "No thank you."

She set her own cup down, glancing over at her friend. "This is Nimueh, Merlin. She's my best friend since childhood. She co-owns the shop with me."

"A pleasure to meet you," Nimueh said in a tone that suggested otherwise.

"Nice to meet you," he replied to her softly, bringing the cup up to his lips. The tea was good; a bit spicy. He set the cup on the nearest costar, eyes now wide as he looked at Ygraine. "I…I don't know what to say. Everyone thinks you're-"

"Dead?" Ygraine cut off. "Ran away?"

"Yeah."

She set down her cup, lips pursed together. "That was the way it was supposed to be. Didn't you ever find it odd that no one could specifically say what happened to me? It was because they don't know. No one knew. That was, until now," she gave him a long look. "You must think I'm an awful person."

Every fiber in his body wanted to say yes, but he paused, studying her for a moment. She looked tired, almost sad in a way. "I want to say yes," he started, almost catching her off guard. "But I want to know why you left. Why you abandoned Arthur."

Her eyes flashed angrily for a moment. "Don't you even think for a minute that I abandoned my son!" she snapped. Then the angry look faded and she wrung her hands together, bringing them to her face. "I'm sorry, please forgive me, Merlin. I shouldn't have snapped."

"Please, continue," he stated gently, not wanting to make her mad again.

She glanced at him briefly. "I was married to Uther for nine years. He was kind in the first few months; a perfect gentlemen," he knew where this was going; his stomach churning violently. "After our first year of marriage though, he started to change. He got more aggressive and violent. He hit me several times; pushed me down the stairs once. The media covered it up by saying it was an accident, but the servants in the house know better. He paid them even more money to keep their mouths shut."

"He did that?" he asked, not really surprised. "Why didn't you divorce him? Or sue?"

"Because I was young and naive," she looked so disgusted with herself. "I kept lying to myself; saying that he would get better. By our second year of marriage, he started talking about children. We tried, but it would be seven years before I had a baby. But during those years, he kept getting more and more aggressive. He was controlling as well. Never letting me leave the house without an escort or his permission. He even banned me from seeing my best friend," she looked sadly to Nimueh. "He said if Nimueh ever came over again, he'd kill her."

"You never told anyone, did you?" he asked softly.

"My own mother didn't believe me," she sighed. "Even when she saw Uther slap me. She said I needed to toughen up and be a good wife. She scorned me for not having children right away, even when the doctors told me I might never have children."

Things were quiet for a moment. Excluding the wind howling against the glass and the fire crackling in the hearth. Ygraine took a long sip of tea, sky blue eyes now dark with memories and events she did not want to revisit. It was almost ironic in a sense, being here and talking with a woman who had experienced almost the same situation he was in now.

"I knew things had reached their peak when he raped me."

He froze, jaw now tense as he looked to her with horrified eyes. She stared down at the table. "He had always been rough, but one night when I told him I wasn't in the mood, he attacked me. Slapped me and pulled my clothes off. It was awful and it wasn't the last time he did it either. In early February, 1998, I found out I was pregnant. He had raped me a few weeks ago in January and when I noticed the symptoms, I felt distraught. What if he hit the baby? What if the baby turned out to be like him?"

"Arthur's not!" he protested. "He's a good person; nothing like his father!"

"You think I don't know my own son?" she asked quietly. "I found out a little bit later that Uther had an affair with a friend of mine, Vivienne. Vivienne had lost her husband a few years ago and wasn't handling it well. Uther took advantage of that and as a result, she got pregnant. I was angry at first, but then Uther assured me that he wouldn't even acknowledge the child as his own. In that moment, I wasn't angry at Vivienne anymore, rather I felt sorry for her. I never spoke to her again after that, but there's not a day that goes by that I do not think of her."

"She's doing well," he spoke up, though not entirely sure what to say. "Morgause has a fiancé. Vivienne runs her own business and is very happy."

"That's good," Ygraine smiled genuinely. "And before you ask, I know about Mordred."

"How do you know?" he asked suspiciously, narrowing his eyes. "And how did you know about me? We've never met before."

"I have someone inside Uther's house," Ygraine explained patiently. "They keep me informed about what's going on. When I found out the circumstances of Mordred's birth, I wanted to return and assure my son that he wasn't and never will be a disgusting monster and that I love him no matter what, but I couldn't."

He could understand why, even though he felt horrible for Arthur. "When you ran away, why didn't you take Arthur with you?"

She smiled sadly, tears welling up in her eyes. "I knew he would be safe. Uther loves him; he would never lay a hand on him. He loved that little boy so much that I knew he would be safe and unharmed. If I had taken him with me, Uther would have come after us. I knew he would be safer if he stayed behind and would be taken care of; never be denied anything."

"He thinks you abandoned him."

"I know," she sighed. "If I could tell him the truth, I would. But I can't, Merlin. He would hate me; push me away. I understand how he feels, but I did it to protect him. And look how wonderful he turned out. I am so proud of him," her eyes shone with motherly affection and pride. "I love him, Merlin. Please don't think that I don't. Dislike me however much you like, but understand that I did what I thought would be best."

"I can try to understand," he offered, not feeling much anger for her anymore. Rather sympathy and understanding. "Except I'm not a parent."

The upper corners of her lips twitched, but then faded. "How is he treating your mother?" she asked cautiously.

"He never hits her or…rapes her," he found it hard to say the word. "He treats her like a queen."

She stared at him for a long time, piercing eyes observing his face. For a long minute, she reminded him of Arthur when he was trying to figure something out. "He's hurting you, isn't he?" she stated hollowly. "He's forcing himself on you."

He wanted to deny it, but knew he couldn't in front of this woman. "Yes," he replied in a weak tone, looking away from her. "It happened the first day of their marriage."

She moved away from her seat, heading over to wrap her arms around him. "I'm so sorry," she began, voice tickling his ear. He froze in her embrace, not knowing exactly what to do. She was warm, with the scent of lilac perfume. She sounded so sad for him and he knew she was being sincere. "He's a monster, but I never thought he would go after someone Arthur's age. I'm so sorry, Merlin."

He felt the tears well up before he could stop them. They poured down his cheeks like spring rain, dripping onto his knuckles. It was like a dam exploded and he sobbed in her arms, holding onto her for dear life. She smoothed down his hair, full of motherly love and kindness, even though her own son was far away.

"It took me a long time to recover," she explained as his sobs died down. "I set up a photo shop in Lithuania with Nimueh. We were poor, with a barely any money, but it was better than being with Uther. We just moved to Malaga last summer, and I just found out Uther's parents moved here. The last thing I want is for Uther to find me."

"I won't tell him," he wiped his eyes, feeling a little bit better. "I won't tell Arthur, either."

"You won't?"

He shook his head. "Not unless you want me to."

She kissed his forehead, hand still in hers. "I'm not quite ready to face my son. Maybe I won't ever be, but I'll give you my number anyway. Just in case you need to…talk to someone. I'm right here."

"Thanks," he took the little sticky note Nimueh handed him. "It's probably time for me to go."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he nodded his head. "My Mum will probably get worried. Oh, I still need a present for Arthur."

"Here," she lifted a picture frame off the table. Sleek and polished black with little silver dragons on the edges. "I just made this. It should fit the picture I gave him before I left. You can have it; no charge."

"Really?"

"Yes," she patted his cheek. "Now, you shouldn't keep your mother waiting."

"Right," he gave a shaky smile, grabbing his coat and putting it on slowly. "Thanks, for everything."

"It's no problem, Merlin," when she smiled, it made her look younger; brighter. "And remember, if you ever need anything, you can call me."

"I will."

He left the shop, shivering against the wind as he made his way back up the street. He held Arthur's gift tightly in his hand. An hour later, he made it home with an almost frozen face, which his Mum fretted over. He went to the bathroom to freshen up for Church service that evening, almost bumping into Arthur on the way there.

Much to his misfortune, he was seated next to Uther at church. The man didn't pay any attention to him, he just looked at his mother lovingly. Arthur sat to his left and when the pastor talked about the love Mary had for Jesus, he felt Arthur squeeze his hand under the pew. The eyes of the Virgin Mary met his and for a moment, he almost felt ashamed.

Christmas passed, and they left Spain. He didn't get a chance to visit Ygraine, but he did text her to tell her they were leaving. The night he was in his room, he didn't even bother to get in his pajamas. Uther was there at exactly eleven. It was the same routine. He'd strip him, flip him onto his stomach, and pound into him.

Really, it was almost becoming monotonous.

He found himself numb to it, biting his screams into his pillow. He felt nothing; only hollow emptiness. There was no hope. No way to escape this nightmare.

Surprisingly though, Uther didn't visit him again in the next few nights. He claimed he was too busy with the New Year Party, but Merlin found he didn't care. As long as he got some peace and quiet, he was fine.

Lots of people came to the party. Students from school, including his friends were there. Friends and acquaintances of Uther and his mother. Morgana and her sister showed up, along with her sister's fiancé. He didn't get a chance to talk with Morgana, but she did assure him that they would speak later.

Uther spared no expense for the party. Exquisite food and live music was brought and the back yard was full of people. The night wasn't even that cold, but thirty minutes before midnight, he needed to get away. He found one of the guest rooms, feeling too paranoid to go into his own. He leaned out the wind sill, letting the cool air hit his face.

"What are you doing here all by yourself?"

He jumped at Arthur's voice, turning swiftly around to face the other boy. Arthur had cleaned up, hair frosted and gleaming in the light. He smelled of sharp cologne and had a little bit of sweat from all the dancing he had been doing with Gwen and his friends. He found himself blushing, and his throat tightened. "I just needed quiet; I don't know a lot of the people out there."

"I don't either," Arthur shrugged, sitting the on the end of the bed. "Some of them I think snuck in."

"How'd that happen?" he asked, sitting next to his step-brother.

"Who knows," the prat shrugged. "I noticed you disappeared and went to go find you. Are you having female troubles?"

"Jerk," he rolled his eyes at the blonde's joke. "No, I just needed to get away. A lot…a lot has changed this year."

"I know," Arthur agreed. "My dad got remarried.

"My Mum got remarried."

"I got a step-brother."

"I also got a step-brother."

He felt Arthur lean into him, their lips meeting gently. The music from outside echoed in his ears, but if he let go for a moment, all he could hear was the sound of Arthur breathing and the movement of their lips. It was closed mouthed; rather sweet in a way till he felt Arthur brush his lower lip. He opened his mouth automatically; the once cool room now becoming hot.

The kiss got more passionate. Whether it was supposed to get that way or not, he had no idea. One moment they were sitting on the edge of the bed and the next, he was lying down with Arthur on top of him. He trailed his hands through Arthur's hair, and suddenly, he could feel Arthur everywhere. His hand sliding down his body, the feel of his lips and tongue against his. He couldn't get enough and before he could process it, just kissing Arthur wasn't enough.

Apparently Arthur had the same idea. His hands went from running up and down his sides to under his shirt. His arm hands brushed over Merlin's flat stomach, fingers tracing their way up to his nipples. He gasped, arching his hips up to meet Arthur's. Arthur paused, hands still wandering around his body. Merlin cupped his hands around Arthur's face, kissing him even more intensely that Arthur gasped into his mouth. His hips slammed down against his, providing a friction that Merlin had never found to be pleasurable till now. Everything was hot and right now he really wanted to take his clothes off and feel Arthur's bare skin against his.

Then Arthur's face changed into Uther's and he abruptly pulled away from Arthur, a string of saliva still connected to their lips. He wiped it away, Arthur now sitting up at the end of his feet. "You okay?" he asked, concern now written all over him.

"Yeah," he responded. "I just needed some air."

Arthur's phone rang and he could hear the people outside starting the countdown. They sat next to each other, hands entwined together.

5

4

3

2

1

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Arthur turned to him with a grin. "Happy New Year, Merlin."

"Happy New Year, Arthur."

He noticed the blonde's phone vibrate, the image of Gwen pulling up. Arthur lifted it and it the ignore button. He leaned back, wrapping his arms around Merlin in an embrace that made him feel warm, and dare he say it, safe.

He wished they could stay that way forever.

Take me to church,

I'll worship like a dog in the shrine of your lies,

I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife,

Offer me that deathless death,

Good God, let me give you my life

~Take me to Church by Hozier~

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