Chapter Fourteen: An Operatic Breakup Scene

Narrator: The scene hasn't changed much. But now an apparatus that is a cross between a hot air balloon and a helicopter decorated with flowers is being lowered down onto the stage. Inside the flying machine are the Three Wise Boys. One holds the Magic Flute, the second holds the Musical Chimes, and the third holds a rather large picnic basket. (Just in case you missed it as I didn't mention it – and neither did the script of the opera, just sayin', Mozart – when Tamino and Papageno got taken into custody back at the end of the first act, Sarastro confiscated their magical accessories. That's why the Three Wise Boys have them right now).

The Three Wise Boys: (Singing) Hi again! After a brief inspection Sarastro has decided that it is safe to return your items to you – and to give you some food too! If you wish, eat and drink and be happy. Now, remember how important the number three is? Well, we have just met you for the second time. The third time will be the time that joy rewards your courage!

Papageno: Hey, wait a minute. I've only just met you now! Will I still get a third time?

Three Wise Boys: Shut up, Papageno. Anyway… Tamino, you brave man – like all proper princes, impossibly handsome and entirely moral, always seeking quests of adventure and morals – take courage! Your goal is near! Papageno, you just…. Just… just shush already!

Papageno: Wow. That's harsh. You'd think I couldn't keep quiet if I wanted to.

Three Wise Boys: (Deposit the Flute, Chimes, and picnic basket on the ground before hovering away in their flying machine)

Papageno: Woohoo! Food! Now we're talking. (To Tamino) Hey, Tamino! Aren't you going to eat too?

Tamino: (Takes Magic Flute silently and begins to play a tune upon it)

Papageno: Hmph! You play your flute and I'll play a nice little tune on this bread! (Helps himself to the contents of the picnic basket) And it goes a little bit like this… Munch, munch, munch! Crunch, crunch, crunch! Tasty, tasty… Mmm! Sarastro knows how to keep a good table! It will be easy to be quiet if I always get food like this! Let's see if the cellar is as tastefully kept… (Drinks from a bottle of wine he has pulled from the basket and takes a large swig) Ah! Wine of the gods! (Returns to happy snacking)

Narrator: Suddenly, appearing stage right, Pamina enters.

Pamina: (Excited and happy) You are here! I heard your flute and thought for sure I would find you, so I came as quick as I could. (sits down on bench next to Tamino)

Tamino: (Looks off into distance and remains silent)

Pamina: Umm… (hesitates at Tamino's coldness)… I know Dad doesn't want me to go out with you until you've passed all his manly tests and everything, but I thought we could still sneak in a little date. I mean, after all, we may be in love but we know nothing about each other! So… like, um… what kinds of things do you like to do?

Tamino: (Still silent, waves at Pamina to go)

Pamina: (Taken aback) Uh… you like fanning?

Tamino: (Waves harder and scowls)

Pamina: What? Do you mean you want me to go… away?...

Tamino: (Nods)

Pamina: Oh my gosh, you're breaking up with me! (Starts to cry) Was it something I said? Tell me, Tamino! I want this to work out between us… Did I pressure you too much? Did my dad scare you away? Is my dysfunctional family too complicated?

Tamino: (Stares silently off into the distance and sighs)

Pamina: (Sights Papageno) Papageno! You helped set me up with him. Tell me, is Tamino breaking up with me or is this one of my Dad's crazy tests?

Papageno: (Quickly stuffs mouth full of food so he can't speak and shrugs at Pamina)

Pamina: You too? (Groans dramatically) Oh, this is worse than death! (Sniffle) There's nothing left to do but sing about it now…

Narrator: Pamina's Aria is sung to the gentle accompaniment of woodwinds and strings, in a minor key reminiscent of the beginning of her mother's first aria, lamenting the loss of her daughter. Those in the audience who could translate the German words for themselves were moved to tears. For this is what they would have understood:

Pamina's Aria

(How it pretty much really went)

Oh how I can feel it, that happiness is forever gone!

Never again will the joyful hours return to my heart!

Can't you see Tamino, these tears flowing, faithful for you alone?

If you don't feel the longings of love, then… then…

Then death is all that is left for me to find peace.

.

Narrator: However, the majority of the audience simply went to sleep because the music was beautiful and they just figured Pamina was being overly dramatic like always. In an effort to educate those individuals and lift them above operatic ignorance, a brief synopsis was provided in the program for them to read at their leisure upon awakening:

Pamina's Aria Synopsis

I totally can't take this!

Here I am, crying my eyes out and you don't even care!

If you want to break up with me

Then I guess I'll just have to kill myself or something.

Narrator: Either way, Pamina runs off the stage crying when she's finished as Tamino watches, looking rather stressed out by it all.

Papageno: Geez Tamino, do you wonder if maybe Sarastro is just training us to be jerks or something?

Tamino: (A single stray tear rolls down his cheek) *sniffle*

Papageno: Well, in any case, I hope you caught that slick little move of mine to stay quiet (takes another bite of food and continues with mouth full) so as you can see, I can be a man when the occasion requires!

Narrator: The sound of three trumpet blasts of three echoes across the stage.

Papageno: Oh darn. Does that mean we have to go?

Tamino: (Nods and starts to leave. Tries to pull Papageno with him.)

Papageno: Whoa, lay off! Five more minutes with this food and I'll be right behind you!

Tamino: (Sighs and exits stage right)

Papageno: (Chuckles) Heh heh, even Sarastro's lions couldn't scare me away from this feast!

Narrator: A low growl can be heard coming from behind Papageno…

Papageno: (Sarcastically) Let me guess, they're standing right behind me? (Looks behind him fearfully) Yipes! TAMINOOOOO! Help! Come back! Sarastro's lions are gonna eat me!

Tamino: (Returns with his flute and plays a melody)

The Lions: (Break into dancing and dance away off the stage)

Papageno: Phew! That was close! You know, Tamino, you can be surprisingly useful sometimes for a wimpy prince. Okay, I'm really coming now. (Following Tamino) So Tamino, what crazy test do you think we'll have to do next?

Tamino: (Shrugs and points up)

Papageno: You think I should ask the gods?

Tamino: (Nods)

Papageno: (Sighs) I wonder sometimes why I bother asking…