My Roommate Is a Wraith
By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own SGA. But one day, mark my words... I'll bribe McKay to help me out; bribe with Power Bars, or blackmail with lemons. Either way, Stargate will be mine! Mwah ha ha!! McKay! Get your butt over here!

WARNING: There is an actual REASON this story was entered under 'humor'. This is a STUPID STORY, as I have said a dozen times already...give or take. So if you suffer brain damage from the stupidity (which I don't know is actually possible), I'd prefer if you DIDN'T due me. Feel free to sue my siblings, for causing ME brain damage, just don't sue me!

To my wonderful reviewers...
Haruka83: glad you enjoyed it! I definitely wondered how the Wraith would react to the Matrix, and it's always rewarding to show people just how nuts-o I am.
THe KiKO peRsON: readers are always welcome ;) Glad you like it!
toomuchcaf: ooh, there's an idea! Hm...mind if I borrow it for a later chapter?

Chapter 14: Misfits

John entered the audience chamber at a skidding run, his shoes squealing in protest as he came to a halt, panting, before the queen.

Julie closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her jaw clenched. John fiddled nervously with his expedition jacket, then stuffed his hands in his pockets. He cleared his throat.

"You rang?" he asked.

Julie rolled her eyes to he ceiling. "Yes, Sheppard, I rang," she said, a dead ringer for Rodney McKay. She suppressed another sigh--though not without difficulty--and spoke. "We just received word from an allied Hive; one of the enemy alliances is moving in, attempting to stop our culling and cull the planet themselves."

"And then blow you out of the water," stated Sheppard. He paused. "Well, space, technically. Out of the sky," he amended, nodding. It crossed his mind that if Wraith had eyebrows, the queen's would be up in the stratosphere by now. What could he say; it was a gift.

"Be that as it may," Julie continued, "a delegation from each allied Hive will be arriving in two days time, and a meeting of sorts will take place here. We will be discussing the best tactical decisions concerning this enemy alliance, as it is a threat to our own alliance." She paused, gazing sharply at Sheppard. "All of my senior staff will be there, as per our custom. Our flight commander was killed in the last great culling, which is a problem, since that title is included among senior staff." Julie gave him the Wraith version of the Weir Stare, and walked away.

Sheppard blinked, confused. "What's that got to do with--"

"I expect you in the audience chamber in the morning," she said, speaking over him. She stared pointedly at him for a moment. "...Flight Commander Shemp."

With that, she turned and left, leaving Lt. Colonel John Sheppard struck dumb and speechless in her wake.

"Ooh, crap," he said. Then, in a very McKay-like manner, added, with his eyes closed, "I'm a dead man."

"No, no, no," said Todd, circling swiftly to stand next to Sheppard, who was rolling his eyes in frustration. "Not like that. You must be bold, but not impudent; proud, but not arrogant. Again!" he yelled.

Sheppard let out a heartfelt groan. "Come on!" he protested. "How does it matter how I sit down at a freaking conference table! They're made to sit at, not to perform."

"Maybe on your world," corrected Todd, with just as much frustration. "But you are not a Wraith, and you were not raised as one, were you?"

"That's my point," said Sheppard, pointing a finger at the older alien. "I'm a human, a snack-pack, so why do I have to be a flight commander? I mean, do you really think they'll accept a human anyway? They'll probably try to eat me," he pointed out.

"Well then perhaps I should save them the trouble," growled Todd, flexing his feeding hand.

Oh, snap. John put up his hands in a 'whoa, Nelly' gesture, his eyes on the feeding hand. "Take it easy, no need to get aggressive. Or hungry, if you don't mind. If you wanted to take a snack break, why didn't you just say so?" So long as I'm not the snack...again.

Growling again, Todd gave up; it wasn't worth it anyway. "The queen expects you to make an admirable impression, especially as you are not a Wraith. Just be thankful that the last flight commander was a failure, and that it will be easy to outdo him."

"Either that or they'll say I'm following in his footsteps," griped John, still watching Todd carefully. Just because he was living on a Hive ship for a while didn't mean that he completely trusted them. "By the way," he said, something popping into mind. "How come nobody on this Hive's tried to eat me yet? Actually, everyone on this boat is a little whacked, by the looks of it."

Todd sighed and said, "this crew of this Hive is made up entirely of...misfits, shall we say. This is where they send the Wraith that are an 'embarrassment' to the rest of our race. Of course, their definition of a failure is somewhat different than ours."

"Really?" John was intrigued now. "Well, what's their definition?" Couldn't hurt to get some inside intel for Elizabeth and the team while I'm here.

Todd paused for a moment, hesitant to give any weaknesses away. But then again, John was an ally...for the moment. "Some--many, in fact--are reluctant to take human life as freely as our brothers. They are somewhat...peaceful. Something that is appalling to others of our kind. Others still, such as your three friends, are considered easily distracted; their levity is considered a weakness. It is not Wraith-like, so to speak, to laugh and joke. Some, like young 'Maverick', as you call him, are considered to be a liability. His knowledge of mathematics is promising, but he has not the patience to be a scientist, and he is too free-spirited t be a soldier, in their opinion."

"And Julie?" asked Sheppard, already taken aback by the idea of a Misfit Island in the Pegasus. Todd looked confused at the name. "The queen," amended John.

"Ah, yes. She is considered to be too...diplomatic. She is too willing to negotiate, to work with others. Wraith Queen's are supposed to be bloodthirsty and battle-ready." With that, Todd turned away and walked across the room

"Again!" yelled Todd over his shoulder. John suppressed another groan. He paused for a moment, then began to walk towards the conference table that had been set up in the room. He was caught up in trying to keep his head up and glare, until he tripped over his own feet. "Again!" yelled Todd. John groaned, the sound repressed by the floor, which John was getting a face full of.

Kill. Me. Now.

A/N: Well, what do you think? Finally, I'm getting somewhere with this thing. Next chapter, we'll meet the Wraith delegation!