CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off
The first notes of a Panic! At The Disco song started and Marissa looked around the crammed club. She should be proud of her work, she supposed, but she was focused on something else, someone else, who she was searching the crowds for from her place on the private third floor. She was up there by herself, enjoying the privacy. Someone slid their arms around her waist and Marissa turned to see her husband grinning at her.
"I was wondering where you were." Marissa tried to be happy that he was there, she really did. But truthfully she had been hoping that he had gone home.
"Had to talk to some people." Ryan smiled at Marissa and jerked his thumb behind him. "Look who I found." He said and Marissa peered around his shoulders.
Alex had hung back behind Ryan on their way up the stairs. She had seen Marissa's eyes flicking through the crowd and she had known exactly who the younger girl had been looking for. Her. The problem was, Alex didn't want to be found. She watched Ryan slide his hands around Marissa's waist and remembered her hands there hours ago. She watched Marissa turn, not really pleased that Ryan was there, and she watched Ryan be completely clueless.
Then Marissa looked over Ryan's shoulder and their eyes met. Alex raised an eyebrow suggestively, daring Marissa, challenging her, needing her. Marissa's eyes flicked back to Ryan's face and Alex glanced away, out at the crowd. She walked over to the railing where Marissa had been leaning. Ryan let go of Marissa and moved to her right side, Alex on her left. They all leaned against the railing.
"Hey." Alex nudged Marissa's elbow and watched the other girl bit her lip at the contact. Then Marissa turned her head and flashed Alex a nervous, yet real smile. She was expecting a cold, unresponsive Alex, but Alex was tired of caring and thinking. She just started acting.
"Hey." She said and Alex looked back at the crowd. She could flirt, but she couldn't be civil to Marissa quite yet. A new song started.
is it still me that makes you sweat?
am i who you think about in bed?
when the lights are dim and your hands are shaking,
as your sliding off your dress?
Alex pushed herself up off the rail and turned toward the room behind them that was filled with food and Newport yuppies. Not exactly Alex's cup of tea, but she was to preoccupied to care. Plus, this song was strangely fitting for her and Marissa and was forcing her to think of things she didn't want to. She could feel herself getting frustrated. She couldn't stand to be anywhere near Ryan right then.
well then think of what you did
and how i hope to god he was worth it
when the lights are dim and your heart is racing,
as your fingers touch your skin.
Marissa could barley feel Ryan's hand her waist, but her shoulder where Alex had nudged her minutes ago was still tingling. She glanced behind her where Alex was walking into the room behind them. Marissa knew it was wrong and she was so tired of knowing it. She knew it, she ignored it, and then she regretted it. It was like a never ending cycle that just ended up with her and Alex getting their hearts torn out. She tore her eyes away from Alex and pulled Ryan closer.
I've got more wit
a better kiss
a hotter touch
a better fuck
than any boy you'll ever meet
sweetie you had me
Alex glanced back at Marissa who was pulling Ryan closer to her. For some reason this made Alex more jealous than anything else. It was an old feeling, this jealousy. Years old and yet it still stung as fresh as ever. Alex knew she was so much better for Marissa than Ryan was. It wasn't a delusion, a wish, or a promise, it simply was what it was. Alex and Marissa would always be made for each other, no matter who tried to stand in their way. Not that that was stopping either of them from trying to move on.
girl i was it, look past the sweat
a better love deserving of
exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
no no no, you know it will always just be me
Marissa glanced up at Ryan when he pulled away. He smiled down at her, taking his arm off her shoulders.
"I'm going to get something to drink. You want something?" He asked. Marissa nodded. God yes, she wanted lots of somethings to drink. Thank god Ryan didn't know about her drinking problem. He walked off and Marissa felt someone come up behind her. She didn't even turn.
"What do you want Alex?" She asked, so tired of all this.
lets get these teen hearts beating faster faster
so testosterone boys and harlequin girls
will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
"I thought the two of you were friends." Came a slightly amused voice from behind Marissa. A slightly amused male voice. Marissa turned and then smiled when she saw Seth Cohen behind her, his arm around Anna. Marissa flicked her hand.
"Just for Ryan's sake." She admitted to them. Anna nodded.
"Nice party." She commented, looking down at the mosh pit below them. Seth nodded in agreement.
"Where's Emma?" Marissa asked, talking about the Cohen's little dark haired two year-old.
"Home." Anna said, smiling at the mention of her gorgeous little daughter.
"With a baby sitter." Seth added. Marissa raised her eyebrows.
"Obviously." She smiled, then caught sight of Alex talking to some hot chick by the food table. "Just a second." She excused herself and headed toward Alex, barely even thinking about it.
so i guess we're back to us
oh cameraman, swing the focus!
in case i lost my train of thought
where was it we last left off?
lets pick up pick up
Marissa's mind jumped back onto Alex, after the much needed break of talking to the Cohens. She was walking toward Alex, but she had no idea what she was going to do once she got there. At the last second she swerved to the left and grabbed a plate. She stood right behind Alex, slowly piling food onto her plate, trying to hear whatever the two girls were talking about. She hated how Alex took over all her normal social actions and somehow twisted them toward herself. But it wasn't Alex's fault.
Oh now I do recall
we were just getting to the part. . .
where the shock sets in
and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you sick
Alex was talking to some really hot girl who was funny, nice, and sweet, but her mind was elsewhere. But it wasn't like they were going to do anything, after all, Alex already had Rachel. Then, Alex caught sight of a perfectly manicured finger to her left on the table and had to hold back a sigh. Marissa. she thought. She flashed a grin to the girl she was talking to and pointed over the girl's shoulder.
"I think someone's trying to get your attention." Alex said and the girl turned and left. Alex grabbed a plate from her right. She turned and brushed shoulders with Marissa, who was standing next to her.
"Jealous?" Alex asked.
I hope you don't expect to get all the attention
lets not get selfish
did you really think I would let you kill this chorus?
Marissa glanced over at Alex who was leaning next to her, accidentally on purpose keeping contact by brushing shoulders.
"Jealous? Me? Nope." Marissa lied. She dropped a mini quiche onto her plate.
"So that isn't why you're over here eavesdropping?" Alex asked. Marissa shook her head. "Don't bullshit me Cooper." Alex said, tired of their games.
"Fine." Marissa admitted. "I was jealous. I was angry, frustrated, out of my mind jealous. How are you going to fix it?" Alex shrugged.
"I'm not." She said.
Lets get these teen hearts beating, faster faster
so testosterone boys and harlequin girls
will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
"Your going to fix it yourself or your going to live with it, because you turned me down." Alex continued. Marissa stopped pretending to put food on her plate and turned to look at Alex.
"You didn't give me much choice." She said angrily.
"No, you didn't give you much choice." Alex corrected her. "I would have given you anything." Marissa looked at her, disbelieving, and Alex turned to look into her eyes. "You're scared." She said.
dance to this beat
dance to this beat
dance to this beat
lets get these teen hearts beating faster faster
Marissa's eyebrows raised. "Of what?" She asked.
"Me. Us." Alex said. "Of what we could be. You're scared and you feel safe with Ryan, because he's normal. Because he's accepted." Alex explained. Her voice calm and controlled, hushed, but her eyes raging with hurt and love and anger. "You're scared and you won't let go. You know that I'm the one for you, but you won't believe it. I'm better and I'm all yours."
I've got more wit,
a better kiss,
a hotter touch,
a better fuck
than any boy you'll ever meet
sweetie you had me
Marissa paused, shocked at the words that were coming out of Alex's mouth. They were oddly familiar, truths that had raced through her mind, but slipped away when she tried to realize them. She knew Alex was right and she hated herself for it, but that was who she was.
"Okay, then what so you want me to do about it?" Marissa asked. "I can't help it, I can't stop it. What do I do?" Their voices were low whispers among the loud cries around them, barely heard by each other and certainly no one else.
girl I was it, look past the sweat
a better love deserving of
exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
no no no you know it will always just be me.
Alex shrugged. "That's not my problem." She said. Marissa shook her head.
"No. No, it's exactly what your problem is, because my problems are your problems. That's just who we are. That's a perfect example of what we are, together or apart. My problem is your problem." Marissa explained and Alex sighed, frustrated.
"But I don't want it to be my problem. It shouldn't be my problem. It should be all yours. I can't help but take it on." Alex said, her voice frustrated
Lets get these teen hearts beating, faster faster
so testosterone boys and harlequin girls
will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
Their voices sped up, getting angrier and angrier, but managing to stay quiet. Their emotions were sweeping them away and only the loud and obnoxious party was keeping them grounded.
"So let go." Marissa said. "Go away again and let me go." Marissa said.
"That doesn't help any." Alex said, tears pricking her eyes, because even though she knew that Marissa didn't mean it, here was the love of her life, telling her to go away. To leave her alone. "I should know. I spent five years missing you."
so testosterone boys and harlequin girls
dance to this beat
so testosterone boys and harlequin girls
"Well, I didn't miss you. I don't love you Alex. You just need to move on." Marissa said and she couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth. Here was the girl she had loved and wanted and missed and anguished over for five entire years and she was telling her she hadn't missed her, hadn't loved her. She could see hurt flash across Alex's face, but it was quickly hidden.
"Fine." Alex said, her voice cold and hard. "I will leave, again. And this time I'm not coming back." She put her plate down on the table and turned and left.
dance to this beat
and hold a lover close
lets get these teen hearts beating faster faster
Marissa had to hold in every instinct she had, every voice in her mind screaming to run after Alex. But she didn't.
"Hey." Ryan said walking up and Marissa almost couldn't bear to look at him. "I saw Alex run off. She looked like she was crying. Is everything okay?" Marissa's eyes were fixated on the spot she had last seen Alex. Crying. The word echoed in her brain. She made Alex cry. She had made her fucking cry. She felt that familiar well of tears building up in her chest, egged on by Ryan's innocent, unknowing words.
"Home stuff." She managed to choke out. Ryan nodded, Marissa felt like she was in a tornado, everything swirling around her to quickly for her to grasp any of it. To change any of it. Ryan handed her a drink. Marissa took it and downed the whole thing. Oh god, she couldn't even think of what the rest of her life was going to be like. It seemed to stretch on forever and ever. And she could think of nothing to live for. Alex had been her everything.
No, her only thing.