Ashley's pouring a drink. She's pouring a frightening, no bullshit, straight drink. It's neat. I guess she doesn't want anything getting in the way. Even ice is far too large a nuisance for her. It scares me. And the way she just holds onto it for a moment, looking straight through it, jaw clenched, it only scares me more. She looks like she's about to say something, but shakes her head, thinking better of it and harshly sips down the golden liquid instead. I'm frozen with fright just watching her. Just watching and wishing she'd offer me one.
It's empty within seconds and it comes crashing down on the counter immediately. I swear the glass cracks with it. But the fact she's pouring again assures me all is well in that department. From the way it trembles between her unsteady fingers, it tells me the same does not go for Ashley. And we all know the same does not go for me. We all know there hasn't been an ok department in me for a very long time.
"Ashley-"
"Don't." Her eyes are scrunched with such pain, I almost can't breathe. I actually have to keep reminding myself. Reminding myself to inhale and exhale.
"God Spence...me? You erased me? I just..." She blinks away tears "...I don't know how you could do that…" She finally looks to me, pointedly, "…How you could do that to me?"
"I don't know either." Too afraid to look anywhere else, I stare down to the floor, whispering so defeated. Too afraid to really see how devastated she is.
"Dammit, that's not good enough! That's not fucking good enough. I deserve more than that..." I hear her slam the glass down on the counter again, and it grabs my attention. It wraps its thick fingers around my throat. Even with the anger in her voice, she looks so weak. She looks so lost.
"You owe me more than that, Spencer, you just fucking do."
"I know I do. But I mean..." This is definitely unsafe ground, this is definitely bad, but I have to continue "...I don't remember. How can I fix what I don't remember doing? I want to so bad. I really want to, but I don't know how Ashley. I just don't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I can tell she doesn't know what to say to that. She doesn't know what to say to something as brutal and honest as that. She's just staring at me, tears falling from her eyes like rain. You know that kind of crying? When the tears just endlessly drop, just easily glide right off your warm skin? So much so you wonder where they're coming from? And then suddenly you don't even care where they're coming from.
"I wanted to tell you as soon as I saw you but I didn't know how." Somehow I know this does not matter to her. This is not going to make her feel any better. It's probably going to make her feel worse. It's probably going to make her even madder, but I can't help myself. It's something that just has to be said.
Her head nods in disbelief, complete utter disbelief. "Yeah thanks for that. Thanks for making me look like a big fucking moron. Chelsea thought I already knew. Thought when I called her all overwhelmed and upset that it was because you had told me. She had no clue it was because we had just..."
She comes to a complete stop. This new realization dawning on her. No, no it's slapping her right across the face.
Uh oh.
I'm nauseous. I'm so sick. Cause I know where she's going, and I know it's where she should go. I know whatever round of bullets she's locking and loading are ones I deserve. Whatever she's about to shoot should completely hit me. Should pierce right through me.
"Oh God…" Her hand covers her mouth, as if to keep her from vomiting "…Oh God, this morning, when we - I thought it was us reconnecting. I thought it was us together again..." She looks so unbelievably upset, at such a loss, that I wonder if she's actually going to vomit, and I know I wouldn't be far behind her "...God, all this time I didn't even know I was with a stranger. A complete fucking stranger. It makes me feel..." She pushes her shoulders up, "...so violated."
What the hell can I say? It's awful and it's true. And it's about me.
"I'm sorry."
"No. Stop being sorry! You don't even get to be sorry Spencer. I don't even know why you're up here, why am I even still talking to you? You erased me. You fucked me when you didn't even know me. You let me put myself up there for you over and over again while you had no clue. You had me when you didn't deserve it. Jesus, even saying it, saying all this, it's so crazy. It's a nightmare. I'm staring at someone who was the love of my life, someone I've always treasured, and someone I've remembered. Always. Every single thing about her and our times together. And she doesn't even know it. She doesn't even know any of it. She doesn't even know me..."
She starts pacing the kitchen, each angry step coming harder and faster than the one before, hands going to blanket her face.
"Jesus, Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just..." Her voice is booming and cracking and torn. "...let you go. Why can't I ever turn away from you? Why can't I erase you, huh? Why will I never be able to do what you so easily did? That's the fucking clincher, isn't it?"
She hopelessly looks up to the ceiling. Maybe she's even looking up to God at this point. Seriously, I'm about to look up to them myself. I'm about to cry up there and ask why this is happening.
"I'm still so wrapped up in you that I can't even let you go. Even now. And you still have no clue who I am, do you? I don't know what I should be madder about. The fact you erased me or the fact you've been pretending this whole time."
She looks from the ceiling to me again, shooting fire into my heart with those eyes.
"I don't know who's worse, the Spencer who could so easily let me go. No, who could basically throw me away. Or this one who lied and played me." Somewhere along the way the tears stopped, somewhere along the way the sadness left for bed so the big boys could come out to play. The big bad angry ones.
"You're a fucking mess Spencer. This new version of you. All this time I thought it was what happened to us, but obviously that's not true. You're wasting away you know that? You haven't done anything with your life...you're simply nothing."
"Well maybe if you hadn't fucking slept with Aiden none of this would've happened in the first place!"
Woah. Where'd that come from?
And it looks like she's thinking the same thing. She looks shocked, locked, and frozen all at once as she falls back a step.
"Excuse me?"
"I may not remember, but I know what happened. And you lied and played me first. You fucked me over. I heard it all, I heard how..." my own voice cracks here, and I feel so outside of myself, I'm listening to myself right beside Ashley. "...I heard how broken I was and even though I don't remember it happening, I know it tore me a part. It drove me to get rid of you."
And Ashley certainly isn't going to back down. She's not bowing her head in shame. She's standing right up to me. She's ready to retaliate. And I know this is not going to lead us anywhere good. We're not going to move forward at all. But I can't stop it. We're already falling backwards. We're already so far back, I have no clue where we are any more.
"You have no clue, Spencer. NO clue what you're talking about. You're the one who pulled away from me. You're the one who basically told me to go to Aiden. And you also knew that I was drunk. You knew that I didn't remember it happening. Yeah, it's definitely not and excuse. But you know I never felt that..." She catches herself, and it's really painful, the way she still doesn't remember that I don't remember. The way it brutally pushes everything right back in our minds as she continues "...you knew that I never felt that for Aiden. That Aiden didn't mean that to me. He was nothing compared to what you were to me. I loved you. I wanted you. So much, Spencer. God, so much. You just meant every single fucking thing to me…" There are such harsh tears in her eyes, betraying her anger, showing her overwhelming sadness beneath the fleeting bitterness, "…But you weren't there for me, you never were in the end. I tried so hard, I tried to do everything and anything for you, but you closed me off. After your mom found out about us..."
She glances to the side, out the window, the setting sun shows her wet cheeks. Shows the bitter tears forming again.
"...After that you weren't the same. You didn't want to spend any time together. We never talked like before, you didn't ever want to be together, you know…" it might be adorable or funny the way she awkwardly fumbles for the word, if it weren't so achingly sad "…in that way." And then there's nothing adorable or sad about her voice, it's only crystal clear in its anger "…You just stopped wanting me. Everything about me, you didn't want. You avoided. You pushed away. Do you know what that felt like? Do you have any clue?"
I don't.
So I only look to her, floored. Because suddenly it feels like there's always so much more to what I think I know. Suddenly I feel like I know nothing at all. Why is nothing as it seems? Why do I have a feeling I'll never know the full story?
"Of course you don't. Glad to see some things haven't changed. You're still as clueless as ever."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Clueless and curious, I thinly ask into the thick air because it sounds strangely familiar. It sounds like something we fought a lot about before. Oh yes, this seems as if it were a fire starter in my previous life.
She laughs a bitter laugh and shakes her head. "God you're so blind Spencer, I swear, you don't even realize the Brynn thing do you?"
Brynn. Brynn how did I forget about her? How did she slip from my mind? How did I completely forget about that?
"Brynn? What are you talking about?" I'm almost indignant as I ask with desperation, dying to know. Needing to see. And she knows it. She sees it as she holds my stare for a few moments, like she's trying to decide if she wants to keep going. If she wants to be honest.
"She's in love with you."
She says it simply. Just like that. Just like it were the most obvious thing in the world. But it's not. It's not and I'm really floored. I'm sprawled across the cool wooden boards of her apartment floor. I'm completely laid out. Laid out for everyone to walk over.
"Stop. No she's not. She's my best friend."
It's all I can pathetically muster.
"Oh yeah? Why hasn't she ever had a girlfriend, and don't try to debate me, I just know she hasn't. And why did she come running after me for you? Why does she look at you the way I always used to? Why does she look after you like I used to. And I asked her Spence. I asked her point blank and...well you saw her reaction. You saw her run away."
No.Stop. This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
"Stop it! She's not Ashley. Just fucking stop it." I'm furious at her. She has no right. She doesn't know Brynn. Hell, she even said it, she doesn't know me.
"You have no clue what you're talking about Ashley."
She's laughing again and it drives me insane. It makes me feel like I'm three feet smaller than her and she's just patting my head. She's just looking down on me asking how the weather is "down there".
"Fine." She shrugs her shoulders "...don't believe me, but you'll see. You'll see." A condescending chuckle again, "...Man, it's just like Kelly. All over again. You'll see I'm right. Cause I always am, Spence, I always am…and that much hasn't changed."
Who is Kelly? Oh fuck, I don't even care anymore.
We stand there in silence, complete freaking silence. What else is there to say? What the hell can I say? I don't even know if I want her forgiveness anymore. I don't even know if I'm the one who needs to be forgiven. That whole Aiden thing is playing in my mind and I hate it. Her harsh words are replaying in my ears and it's killing me. And something about all this Brynn stuff is just rubbing me the wrong way. It's making me feel so ill. It's terrifying me more and more.
Because I'm starting to think Ashley might be right.
"Leave."
I look up to her stone cold face, no more tears sliding down her cheeks. She's a wall, man, and she ain't breaking for me anymore. I stare at her for a few moments deciding what I should do. What I want to do.
And then I realize the only thing I can do. All I can do is listen to her. All I can do is leave. It's what I have to do. There's nothing more that can be done inside these four walls. There's nothing left for us. Whatever I thought I might be able to gain from her is no longer there. I don't know where it went to. I don't even know when it really left. Maybe it was with that careless Aiden line. Maybe it was way back before I even erased her. I don't even know any more. But what I do know is there's just too much. Too much has happened with us. There are too many clouds, too many questions that I fear - no I know - I'll never have the answers to.
Yup, I'll never know the full story. And you know something? I don't even care anymore. I don't want to know anymore. I'm giving up on this whole thing.
So I turn to leave. I turn and do just what she asked of me, not even saying a word. Not even saying goodbye, but it doesn't matter, we both know that's exactly what this is. We both know when I shut that door, I'm not going to come back through it again.
And the sad thing is, I don't think either one of us wants me to.
"That's it Spence." Something in her voice tells me I should look at her so I do. I turn back and what I find there will never leave my memory, the hatred in her eyes will never leave me. "Finally I'm erasing you. Only I won't need anyone else to do it for me. Nah. I'm gonna forget you all on my own."
Wow.
I don't even know what to say to that. So I don't say anything. I simply turn around and give her what she wants. I leave so she can forget. I leave so I can forget. But something tells me, that won't happen. Something tells me I'll never forget Ashley ever again. Something tells me my forgetting days are over.
So over.
And as I walk out onto the bustling street, feeling completely lost and alone, life happening all around me, all I can say is thank God.