Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or ideas from The Killing. It's all just way too much fun.

Spoilers: Season 1, episode 11

DAY 11

Linden had gotten a phone call. Jack hadn't been at school for three days, today included, though she had dropped him off there that morning. He was also not at the hotel. He was not with Regi – she and her boat were in the San Juan islands til next Friday. He was not with Nash. He was not at "The Tunnel."

Holder had gone with her to all of these places, had refused to leave her to look for him alone, even when she had told him it was fine, that he should go. She knew he had somewhere to be – a date or something – but no, he hadn't gone anywhere. He'd had her back with the middle school wanna-be "thugs," even though she would've argued that she hadn't needed back up, of course. He'd even managed to unblock Jack's phone by guessing his password – "Funyuns," of all things.

He was supposed to meet up with Liz for Davie's school parade that afternoon. He felt bad, but there was no way he could make it, not the way things were going today. There was no way he was leaving Linden. Not now.

He dialed Liz's cell phone number, but got her voicemail. He couldn't decide if it was better that he hadn't gotten her in person or not. At least this way he could say what he needed to say without her yelling at him. He didn't have to hear the disappointed tone in her voice, the one that told him she had expected this of him all along.

Holder grasped for the words to explain. "Hey Liz, umm, I'm not going to be able to make it to the parade. Uh, yeah see there's, uh, there's this friend and, uh, she's in need, and it's kinda like an emergency, you know? Or, it is an emergency and…"

"Liz, this ain't like before. Alright? This is for real. And you know I wouldn't have missed this thing for anything in the world, but, Liz, I… I gotta see this through. You know, she… she needs me, you know?"

"And… and please tell Little D that I'm coming over later, cause I still got something for him… if that's OK. Please call and tell me if that's OK for me to come on by."

After leaving the message for Liz, Holder went back to the car. Linden was waiting there for him. She'd been leaned back against the seat with her eyes closed, but she opened them when he got into the car.

"Is everything OK?" she asked him.

"Yeah."

"Thanks Holder, for being my ride."

Those six words had come to mean a lot to them, though they had started out as something Holder had said out of frustration with her early on. Neither of them really had anyone else to depend on in their lives… not anyone they could really lean on, who would see the good in them. So those six words translated to something more like "Thanks for being there, for believing in me." Because really, in the end, that was all that mattered. It was what both of them needed more than anything, whether they realized it or not.

"Yeah well… it ain't no thing." Holder looked down, not meeting her eyes, though she continued to look at him. He wouldn't have done this much for just anyone, nice guy though he was. It was hard to explain, other than how he had explained it to Liz. "She needs me."

Holder

Holy shit. I've seen Linden lose her mind many times before… but this is a different, exceptional kind of stress. No one should ever have to go through this. She keeps telling me she's ok, but this is the kind of day that some people go into therapy for – for a long time.

She told me I should go, but there's no way I could do that to her. Never. She wants to believe that she doesn't need anyone, ever, and maybe she really does believe it… but I see right through that. She needs me. When was the last time anyone needed anything from me? I can't let her down. I won't.

Linden

Oh. My. God.

I can't… I don't… I…

He has to be alright. He has to. But where is he? WHERE? What did he do? What could have happened to him?

Breathe, Sarah. Find the clues. What do you know?

Just maybe, it's like what Holder said…

"Sometimes I think you just run away just so someone'll come looking for you."

I know that I don't pay enough attention to Jack, that I'm not there for him like I should be. I want to be. I just… it's just so hard. So hard to be there, to be needed like that. I don't know how to be needed like that.

Or was Holder talking about me?

"Sometimes I think you just run away just so someone'll come looking for you. Staying put? It's kinda running away. You know what I'm saying?"

"I usually have no idea, and this time is no different."

"Sonoma? Come on!"

Am I? Running away by staying? I had every intention – honestly – of leaving this job, this life. I loved the idea of moving to Sonoma, of being with Rick… at least… I think I did… Admit it, Sarah, you wouldn't know happy if it kicked you in the face. I guess what I felt was what I thought it "should" feel like… but then… how happy could I actually have been about the idea of being in Sonoma with Rick if I'm still here? Especially knowing how he feels about me being here! Or, is the problem that I just don't want to be happy?

Or was Holder talking about both Jack and me… I guess I've passed that on to him, poor kid.

As much as I hate to have to admit it, I think Holder has a point. But do most people feel that way sometimes? Like you want to believe that someone cares enough to come looking for you? Like you want them to prove that they care by looking for you… literally or figuratively, or maybe both. Like you're afraid that the truth is they won't care enough to come looking for you?

It can't just be me… or is it?

Dammit, Jack, where are you?

…

Linden realized that Holder had been talking to her. She had been staring out the window, not really focusing on anything except the feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. Or was it hunger? When had she last eaten, anyway?

"Yo, Linden! You hear me?" Holder was looking at her from the corner of his eyes as he was driving when she finally looked over.

"Sorry, what?" she asked, sounding dazed.

"We are going to stop to get something to eat. You got a preference?" He had seen her eat so seldom, he still didn't really know what she actually liked, if anything.

"No, I'm not hungry."

"I'm sorry, I think you misheard me. We are stopping for food. We are both stopping, we are both eating." He had a very serious look on his face. Sarah didn't have the energy to argue with him.

"Fine. Whatever, I'm not hungry anyway." Holder would have to take his victories where he could get them with her, and he knew it.

He parked in front of some nondescript fast food restaurant. Luckily for them, for once, it wasn't raining, so they didn't end up soaking wet for the third or fourth (but who could really keep track?) time that day. Once inside, Holder ordered what sounded to Linden like enough food for a small army, though she didn't focus on what any of it was. Once the order was heaped onto the tray, they found seats at a somewhat clean looking table and slid onto opposite sides of the booth. Holder gave her a coffee, black (that much he had learned about her) – though she probably didn't need any more caffeine today - and told her to choose something from the tray. She chose the smallest, most normal looking thing there, a small container of fries, and started munching on one so that Holder would relax. She felt slightly like throwing up, but it was probably to be expected in this situation, and he knew rationally that he was right, she should try to eat something.

She did her best to hold up her end of the conversation, though she was fairly sure that she only heard about half of what was going on around her. Holder didn't seem to mind. He was just happy that she had eaten something. He thought she was doing OK, all things considered. Of course, they hadn't found Jack yet.

"You ready, Linden?" he asked, pulling her out of yet another daze as he stood up to leave.

"Yeah, let's go," Linden agreed wearily. They walked out of the restaurant and into the deepening darkness of a late fall afternoon