Chapter 13: Two Choices

Morgana stood in stunned silence after Gwaine's proposal and remained statuesque for quite some time. She could only hear the pounding of her pulse in her ears, unsure of how to react. Should she run? Kiss him? Fake fainting? No, none of her thoughts were making sense. Nothing was the right option. Gwaine whispered her name softly and it snapped her from the temporary paralysis.

"Well?" he asked softly.

She still didn't know what to say. Enthusiastic screams of "yes, of course" crept up in Morgana's throat but were caught halfway. A brief flash of all the things that could be, everything she wanted for them, moved before her eyes.

Morgana kissed him for the sake of it probably being their last (although she told herself, for sanity, it was only the last for now). Gwaine smiled, thinking it was just one of many they would share during their life together. Morgana was nearly shaking, holding back the burn of tears for what she was about to do.

"I can't…" she said as she broke the kiss and backed out of his embrace.

At first he was confused. Morgana kept repeating a chorus of "I love you but I can't" before leaving, knowing full well he was heartbroken and, for the first time, she couldn't fix it. Her feet seemingly moved of their own accord as she quickly pushed her way through trees and bushes. Occasionally, her gown would snag and slow her down. Any other time she'd be concerned with the fabric, how would she explain what happened? This time was different. She brought a hand to keep from calling out for him and to choke back a sob.

Morgana moved hastily back to her room. She kept her head down as she navigated the castle, only raising it to nod at anyone who dared be in the path to her chambers when the greeted her. Luckily, she had managed to avoid anyone who would desire any kind of conversation.

Closing and locking her chamber door as quickly as possible, Morgana rested her body against it. How? How was she expected to deal with anything that happened in the past hour? Her fists balled and her nails pressed sharply into her palms. Nothing was going the way she wanted. She couldn't have that love, not now, because there was a cause to fight for. But that cause had surely lost Gwaine for her.

Her mind was burning, but with what emotion she did not know. The overwhelming sensation built and built until the candles around the lit up with dangerously large flames. Control it, control it. Morgana took a deep breath and the fire slowly shrank back to its low, quiet burn. She had not even notice she was crying until she brought a hand to her mouth and felt the tears on her cheek. Morgana forced her body over to the bed and collapsed onto it without even bothering to change. Comfort wasn't an object anymore, she was numb. This was the only night these feelings could be let through because she made her choice and there was a revolution to begin.

There was not even a rejection, Gwaine thought, she literally ran away. How could she have been committed for this long, it had been so long, and just leave? But maybe he was in the wrong. Did he misread Morgana? He may have moved too fast for her. He should have asked first if this was the direction they were headed. Sure, they had not made any other leaps forward in their relationship, but he completely understood why hanging around Camelot would be a terrible idea. And such a flimsy commitment. Marriage was something he could uphold, and something he meant.

Gwaine truly loved Morgana.

Hands wiped tears away, although it was unlikely anyone would be around to see him in such a state. He silently apologized to his mother. He felt in the wrong, like he'd screwed up again somehow. He couldn't even honor her in death. That, and for what he knew he was about to become. A drink or ten was in order.

He wasn't bitter right then, he wasn't even heartbroken yet. He was just … numb.