Shu lost again at Wu Zhang thanks to the spirit of Wei and the leadership of Sima Yi and some others. Or, if you are in the Shu story: Shu lost at Wu Zhang due to the super evil powers of Wei and Cao-something and Sima Yi. It doesn't matter a lot really since you, the player, have unlocked a secret kingdom. You will help this secret kingdom destroy everything, you monster. And there's. NOT. A. THING. YOU. CAN. DO. TO. STOP. IT. The Jin kingdom is the killing hookers part of this game!
"Dad! There's this dude that says he doesn't want to listen to the kingdom anymore!" exclaims Sima Zhao. Sima Yi gets up from where he was sitting and says bluntly,"Let's kill that bitch."
"I'm also engaaaaged!"
"Yeah, yahoo. Let's go kill the bitch."
"What?! Don't murder my fiancee!"
"Oh, she's a bitch, too. Okay, she can come along to kill the bitch."
"Cool!"
"Did you knock her up yet?"
"No..."
"Do it. Knock her up like I did your mother."
"Ew! Stop! Why are you always referring to my mom like that?!"
"Because I can. Now, chop chop. We have some bitches to kill."
"Don't you want to meet her-"
"I'll see her when we get out there."
Sima Yi is inside the camp and sees Wang Yuanji off in a corner with Sima Zhao.
"The f*EFF!* is up with her hair?"
"It's blonde." simply replies Zhang Chunhua.
"Like yours."
"No, it isn't."
"Hm... I feel like I might have met someone blonde before... Did I ever...?" Guo Jia's spirit appears for a moment behind him saying a simple,"Hey".
"Finally there's another girl here. I swear I thought I was becoming a man myself from this sausage fest."
"Please don't ever do that. I need something to *EFF!* at my beck and call."
"Huff..."
"Anyway, you're in charge of the guns and catapults of this place." Her eyes light up and she asks,"Excuse me? You're leaving me with siege weapons?"
"Yes."
"...Of course, my dear..." She turns around to grin about her new power. "...I'm surprised you didn't even make a single joke about the fact I'm a wo-"
"Hope you can actually hit something, hahaha!"
"Compared on how you shoot your load, I think my aim would be better than yours."
"Ooh-hoo-hoo! Talking back! I'm going to go now, watch my head when you shoot."
As everyone goes out to battle, a rock almost hits Sima Yi. He jumps away and yells,"Hey! There are some rice crops around here and you just caused two families to starve to death here! Watch where you're hitting!"
Zhang Chunhua: Ohhhhh, I'm so sorry, dear... I'll be more careful... Please don't get mad with me...
"Good."
Gongsun Yuan: Hahaha! You'll never catch me! Say no to government! Yes to free range!
"You already annoy me. I'mma leave these small fry to you kids while the adults can talk alone. You're okay with that, boy?" He asks Sima Zhao.
"Okay, Dad. At least I can spend some quality time with my brother and wife."
"Your brother's already spending quality time with your wife."
"What?"
Sima Shi displays his sword before Wang Yuanji bragging,"Cold, hard 5-feet's worth of steel. Now, Zhao's is about three feet max. Can we have sex now?"
"What the hell, man?! Not cool!" shouts Sima Zhao.
"This is why I favor Shi over you. He has my methods of courting a woman."
"You make sexual jokes and hump the nearest thing to a vagina!"
"Well, that's me. Shi has more class than that. He's more to the point. And that's both a good and bad thing."
"He would tell me on how he had to watch you and Mom make me."
"Oh, we told him to go to his room, but he stayed there. He thought we were wrestling."
"Oh god..."
"Good luck here. I am going to go up there and give that bitch a piece of Wei's spirit."
Sima Yi pushes away soldiers and officers until he reaches the enemy main camp with Gongsun Yuan inside of it. He dodges another rock that was aimed at him.
"Miss! Hit the guy that is not devilishly handsome!"
Zhang Chunhua: Whoops... My bad...
More rocks began to rain down from the sky and Sima Yi dodges most of them. The rocks that did hit him only got him in the shoulder or grazed his back. Gongsun Yuan exclaims,"Global warning is a hoax! See this?! Rocks will hail from the sky and kill us all-GAARGH!" A rock lands on his head, killing him.
Over in the center of the map, Sima Zhao keeps pushing Sima Shi away from Wang Yuanji as he kept getng too close.
"Dude! Get your own wife!"
"If Dad can just simply walk up to a woman and mate with her, then I want to that too."
"That's different! Dad's a sleezeball!"
"A successful sleezeball."
"Okay, that and-"
"You two stop this. I am not some object that you can fight over." finally says Wang Yuanji.
"Since this is second century China, yeah, you are."
"Well, looks like someone is not getting their mouth present."
"Can I have a mouth present?" asks Sima Shi.
"When it's New Year's, maybe."
"No! What?! Then it makes it less special!"
"Fine, whoever wins next battle gets a mouth present."
"Okay!"
Zhang Chunhua: Go purchase some mouthwash first. You know what? Take some of my bottles.
"Oh god! I don't need that image in my head!"
"You and me both."
A bitch gets put down and Sima Yi is back to a boring life. He realizes he is getting too old for this s*bleep* and decides to let his sons do the work for him. Because, they're like clones of him and people can settle for that, right? Also, a fellow government official named Cao Shaung is trying to be a Sima and decides to go try to fight Shu.
Sima Yi tells Sima Shi and Sima Zhao,"It seems Cao Schlong is trying to fight Shu. Oh well, get you two's asses out there."
"Why?"
"To go watch him fail! And laugh when he's not looking."
"Oh, that is funny. I want to go now." comments Sima Shi.
"But... Daaaad... Cao Schlong's a... dick..." says Sima Zhao.
"Yes, he is. He's a dick. So, bye. Don't write to me."
"Oh hell no are you sending our sons out to go fight again!" complains Zhang Chunhua. "They don't need to be constantly out there. Maybe you can just send Zhao and keep Shi here, then it might be good enough."
"Now, dear. If they don't go out there, who will?"
"Other officers."
"Phhhhtahahahaha. We're main characters. We have to do this."
"Oh no! You two are going to stay here and continue your doctor-lawyer-scientist degrees."
"But Mom..."
"Those kind of people get executed around here..."
"Yeah, when you're a corrupt official, it pays way more than that bulls*bleep*." comments Sima Yi. "Who needs a degree?"
"You have one... In political science..."
"And see where that got me? Nowhere. Until Cao Cao came into my life, I was destined to be a nobody. Be glad I took that job."
"I kept nagging you to get it since you knocked me up and we needed money."
"Don't belittle my independent decisions! The men can go out whenever they want to."
"I don't want to go." says Sima Zhao.
"You're going."
Sima Zhao is transported to a camp, much to his dismay.
"Aw man... I'm here..."
"Hello, friendo." said a monotonous voice from behind. Sima Zhao turns around and sees Jia Chong staring off with blank dead eyes. A woman screaming (in fear, not a fangirl scream) could be heard in the background when he grinned.
"Oh, hey..."
*dark and raspy voice* "Your mom's here, not cool."
"Say what?"
"Your older bro too. Why don't you just bring the whole family here?"
"My dad's resting."
"The old man's slowing down finally, huh? Let's kill him."
"NO!"
"Okay, kill your bro first since social standards require the eldest to succeed the father."
"Look man, I don't want to stoop that low. Besides, I don't want power."
"You're crazy."
"You're crazy!"
"I have autism with a mix of ADD, you insensitive prick."
"You said my mom's here, why is she here?"
"Dunno. I guess you still need your mommy to hold your hand."
"Shut up!"
"She threw out my stash of weed and non-prescription pills. She must die, want to kill her?"
"She'll kill me first..."
"Pussy."
"Look, I'm an adult. I have to stop doing that s*bleep* or I will just fall apart."
"You know who's falling apart?"
"Lalalalala! Mom! Jia Chong's being weird again!" Zhang Chunhua goes up to him and gives him a hard slap to the face.
"You're an adult, start acting like one. Also, what adult man says 'mom'?"
"Do I call you by your real name then?"
"No."
"Aw. Why are you here?"
"If I can't keep you at home, might as well follow you."
"But I'm an adult...Wait, how old are you?"
"None of your business."
"Seriously, how long have you been living?! Your skin is exactly the same as back when I was a kid! Why don't you age?!"
"...Your father won't let me..." She whispers under her breath.
Cao Shuang goes into the middle of the camp announcing,"Okay, losers! Let's go kick those green pansies back where they came from! Which is nothing!" He is very unique as his hat almost resembles a dick. "We'll hit them harder than how I f*bleep*ed all of my bitches back at my ballin' mansion! While having a ballin' party!"
"...Wow, he is a schlong." comments Zhang Chunhua. "Now I get his nickname your dad gave him."
"Look, his hat looks like a schlong too."
"Sima Yi's hats look more like schlongs than his. But there are no jokes to make with his name."
"And they're bigger."
"...Heh." She smirks at that remark.
"Oh no, one of my bitches got loose. Let me go apprehend her!" Cao Shuang goes over to grab Zhang Chunhua's arm and pulls her, but she plants herself on the ground.
"I'm not one of your sex slaves!"
"Don't lie to me! That thing you're wearing is something I make all my bitches wear."
"...Oh... Where did you get them for your... ahem... women...?"
"My grand pappy passed them to my daddy, and then to me."
"...Oh... That explains it..."
"Now, get out of here-"
"I'm a mother."
"Ew! Sloppy seconds!" Cao Shuang runs off with disgust on his face. Zhang Chunhua mutters,"...You didn't have to say it that way..."
"Mom, what do we do now? Do we actually listen to him?"
"Do it for now and once he slips up, you record that s*bleep* and upload it to NiTube." *Ni means 'you'*
"Ooh! I've gotta tell Shi about this plan! It'll be so funny that Dad will have to use technology to actually see the fail!"
Sima Zhao runs with Sima Shi along a mountain-like passage following Cao Shuang. Behind them was Jia Chong and Zhang Chunhua. Jia Chong creepily tells her,"You know your heart's out there for the taking in that outfit?"
"Did you know your virginity is NOT out there for the taking in that outfit?"
"Chicks dig the teal."
"Oh, you're straight."
"Bitch, you just jealous of my emo warrior swagger."
"Hey, losers! Help me get through this place!" shouts Cao Shuang. He points to a gate and orders Sima Zhao and Sima Shi,"Open it for me."
"Of course, sir..." They break open the gates and Cao Shuang happily waltzes in only for those gates to quickly shut. Everyone else was still outside of the gate when they hear him crying out.
"Help! Help! It was a trap!"
Ma Dai: Haha! You fell for it! Now to kill you with my Non-BPA-and-asbestos-free paint!
"You've gotta help me! I'm your commander! You better save me!"
"Of course, sir..." Sima Zhao says while rolling back his eyes and lifts up his sword over his head to bring a giant slash onto the gates. It doesn't break open. Sima Shi is the next to try.
"Let me." He readies his sword and yells out,"Getsuga Tenshou!" He then slashes a giant red and black beam at the gates, tearing them open. The beam is still going and hits Ma Dai as he was about to hit Cao Shuang. He is taken off the map by the beam. Cao Shaung returns to his cocky demeanor and says,"Good job! Now get rid of the rest for me!"
"We should retreat..." suggests Sima Zhao. He gets an earful from the man that is about a foot smaller than him,"You do as I say! When I say kick Shu ass, we're going to kick Shu ass!"
"Ah..."
"Go, go! Go! Did I stutter?!"
"Fine! Geez!"
Cao Shuang runs ahead of everyone else and gets caught in another trap that was set up by Xing Cai. Xing Cai appears out of nowhere and catches him in a headlock. Cao Shuang shrieks like a girl and is begging in scrambled sobs.
"Pleasepleasepleaseletmego!I'llgiveyouanything!Wantbeer?Younggirlslikeyoulikebeer!"
"Wow. Just wow. I thought Wei was the big bad kingdom that kicked everyone's asses around. What happened?" She begins to talk in a voice you would use to talk to a child,"Aw, do you miss your daddy Cao Cao?"
"He's my granddaddy, thank you!"
"Oh, my bad..." She tightens the grip on the headlock and uses a free hand to roughly push on his head. Cao Shuang begins to sob loudly,"Huhuhuhu! I need an adult...!"
"Is anyone getting this?" asks Sima Zhao quickly.
"Already on it." Sima Shi is holding a phone recording the whole situation. Xing Cai releases Cao Shuang and pushes him into a puddle of mud before running off laughing.
"Let's retreat!" Cao Shuang yells in a cracking voice, causing the Jin characters to snicker as they followed his muddy footsteps.
The campaign led by Cao Schlong had failed and everyone laughed. In secret, of course. He has the power to make women widows and children lose fathers, so yeah. There was one person who laughed harder than the rest and decided to carry out his plan that he had spend his whole life on perfecting.
A messenger runs into an intersection of a busy marketplace and begins to look left and right. He takes the left and runs towards a gated community. He knocks on the gates and the gates open without anyone behind to open it. The messenger doesn't question this and continues to run into the property. He gets to the door of the house and the door opens for him as well. He calls out,"I request to speak with Sima Yi!" He is greeted with silence. The messenger searches everywhere until he gets to a room featuring an old man being bedridden.
"Hello?"
"Rrgh...?" He groans weakly before croaking,"Shiiiiiii! Something's in here!" Sima Shi runs in and knocks down the messenger not knowing he was there.
"Yes, dear father?"
"I smell a pest in here! Kill it like the rest." The messenger brushes himself off and corrects him,"Actually, I'm a person with a message from our great leader Cao Shuang." The old man lies there silent. He begins again,"Kill it like the rest."
"Sir! Show some respect for the holy word of-"
Sima Shi interrupts,"My father has the curse of not being able to hear you correctly. I hope you would understand."
"Oh... I'm sorry... How am I supposed to get a message in?"
"Well, come back later."
"You sure? Cao Shuang really needs to get something in-"
"Please come back later." He says a little more sternly.
"Hmph. I'mma try get through to him." The messenger walks towards the old man, but he is stopped by the old man making gulping noises.
"What's he doing?"
"Mh... Mh..." The old man reaches with shaking hands for a cup to try to drink the water in it, but the water dribbles out of his mouth all over the floor. The messenger makes a green face and retreats back to the doorway with Sima Shi.
"I'll come back later." He runs away and gets off the property. Once the coast was clear, the old man tears his cheek to rip off his face to reveal Sima Yi's still-young face under it. He wipes off water from his mouth and mutters,"Not one of my finest moments, but effective."
"Ready to go, Dad?"
"Yeah, let's go. Be sure to capture the state armory before anything else. I have something in there."
"What is in there?"
"None of your business."
Sima Yi is standing before his family along with Wang Yuanji and Jia Chong.
"Okay, I am not sure why, Zhao, you brought your greaser friend and this girl."
"This girl's my wife! Why is Mom here then?"
"Hm? She's not allowed to die and she'll take up RAM if we don't use her."
"I'm pretty sure I died around this year..." points out Zhang Chunhua. Sima Yi concludes,"Then that means..." He points at her sternly,"...you're a zombie!"
"...That's ridic-"
"You're not rotting, so that means I can still use you. You're dead, which means you can't give life. That means you cannot produce anymore kids. If you can't produce more kids, I won't need to wear a condom..."
"You never wore one nor ever seen one..."
"...That means your lady parts work despite being dead... Ah-ha! Then I can easily throw out Lady Fu and continue to use you until your skin begins to show the color green!"
"Oh no... I now really want to die!"
"Haha! Too bad! Okay, now back to the real reason to why we're all here." Jia Chong comments,"You're gay. I called it."
"...No... That's not what this is about..."
"Are you sure? The purple and mascara just scream 'coming out of the closet'."
"Hmph, you'd like that, won't you? Still, not it. Remember, Cao Schlong, people?" Everyone all nodded in agreement and Sima Shi holds up a phone with the video of Cao Shuang sobbing gibberish playing.
"Hahaha! Still funny! Anyway, his time has come. We need to make sure China falls into the right hands."
"I doubt China would like to be in your hands considering how you use them in your private time..." comments Zhang Chunhua.
"Really funny. You've traumatized everyone here with the thought of me whacking off."
"I wasn't talking about that... But I guess that works too."
"Okay! Can we just go already?!" exclaims Sima Zhao. "I do not want THAT in my head! Just... eugh!"
"You do that too."
"At least I don't talk about it in front of everyone I know!"
"Fine."
The gates open and a messenger jumps in fear,"Oh my god! This group of six ordinary people is at the door! Without soldiers! I'm assuming they're rebelling! Siiiiiiiirrrrr!" He runs, arms flailing and wires grab his limbs before he could take off. He is pulled back and loud beating noises are made. Everyone goes through the gates that lead into the capital. Spies appear pointing fingers at the group.
"I knew it! You people are here to take over this place!"
"But you're not gonna!"
"Take this!" The spies charge towards them and Sima Yi blasts at each one with a strong laser beam. A remaining spy points at him and shouts,"I knew it! You're an alien! They say I was crazy into believe that crazy hair dude, but I was right! Ah!" Sima Yi finishes him off without bothering to comment.
"Boys, go take that side. Your mother and I will take this side."
"I don't like where this is going..." says Zhang Chunhua. "You and me alone in a secluded area... Yeah... I'm going to try following boys and see if-"
"Yeah, sure. Choose them over me."
"That's exactly what I'm doing."
"Too bad, you're coming with me."
"Crap..."
Sima Yi gets to the armory and is greeted with pyrocannons.
"Oh my, they have this?! Since when was I not informed of their creation?!" The officer guarding the armory shouts at him,"You will not get your dirty hands on these babies!"
"Those hands are dirty alright..." comments Zhang Chunhua.
"Do you want to be stuffed into those barrels?! I can do that, you know."
"Please do that. I am DYING to die."
"Wait, you'd like that. I forgot. Nevermind."
He kills the guarding officer and the armory falls to him.
"So, what's in this you really want so badly?" asks Zhang Chunhua.
"Ahahahaha, I'm glad you asked, dear Watson."
"Again for the thousandth time, I'm not British."
"Yeah, yeah. Watch pure awesomeness take flight."
The ground shakes around their feet as a giant looming figure shadows over the two of them. Sima Yi laughs hysterically while shouting,"This is something those pyrocannons can't beat!"
"What the hell is that?!"
"In order to establish your position, you must go with the biggest and over-top display as possible! That's what a man does!"
"You don't even look like a man! What right do you have to say that?!"
"I have the penis to prove it! You have the two breasts that indicate your inferiority to me! Get in!"
Sima Zhao runs towards the palace with Sima Shi, Wang Yuanji, and Jia Chong. Soldiers continue to scramble around yelling in confusion about the new threat.
"How in the world are we letting a one-hit wonder band take us out?!"
"Is that what we look like together?" asks Sima Zhao.
"Hm... Angsty pale goth, two good looking guys: one neat-looking, the other you can't bring home, and an obligatory girl. We're basically the Black Eyed Peas here." says Sima Shi.
"Aren't they...?"
"You get the point. Now to find that Cao Schlong..." A soldier runs by with his arms flailing around,"Too bad Supreme Leader Cao Shuang is out on the town with His Majesty!"
"He's..."
"...Not here...?"
"Wait, that's a good thing. We have to capture this place for Dad before he gets back!"
"What are we waiting for? Let's kill some people. My slicing finger is itching to be used." says Jia Chong.
"My father said not to date the guy with 'Sima' in his name... Hu... Now I see why..." groans Wang Yuanji. "I'm now in the family business of usurping and killing."
"You have joined the finest of the finest for that stuff! How could you regret not being on the Simas' good side?!" exclaims Jia Chong.
"You like that stuff, but I don't!"
"You're just jealous because they gave you teeny-tiny knives for the jobs, right? I would be pissed if they just gave me that."
"You carry hand axes! Those are the poster weapons for mass murdering!"
"And that's why I love this job."
When the four has reached the palace, it is captured and Xiahou Ba could be seen running away through one of the narrow walkways. Sima Shi stops him and asks,"Just where do you think you're going? We are just getting started."
"W-What are you talking about? I was just... uh... Leaving! For... School!"
"Silly Ba, everyone here knows you never went to school."
"I am just going now! haha! Bye!" He runs away, and Sima Shi lets him run while watching a giant robot appear in the distance.
The giant robot stomps out large masses of soldiers while breaking down buildings. It is bright red with what seems like a giant face on its chest along with having a main head. Sima Yi can be heard cackling from inside the robot's chest.
"Too bad Deng Ai's isn't here to help out with this thing's weaponry. That drill would be the final nail in Cao Schlong's coffin!"
Zhang Chunhua can be heard through the main head of the robot.
"...I have no idea what's real anymore... I can just sit in here and just wait to die... But do I want to die inside this giant robot...?"
"You're a zombie! You can't die! That's why I left you in there! That place will get the most damage!"
"Oh good..."
"What the hell happened here?!" loudly exclaims Cao Shuang as he appeared on the map. "Oh no...! Oh no...! He finally did it! Sima Yi! You snake! I will kill you in the name of our holy state!"
"Oh hello, Schlong. Fancy meeting you here. Want to come here and let me deal with you?"
"It looks like you are extremely powerful now! But...! I knew this would happen, so I had one made for myself! Men! Activate Plan No. 66!" The Schlong loyalists scatter around to bring in pieces of a robot to Cao Shuang. The pieces stack up onto each other to form a giant robot the same size as the one Sima Yi has. Cao Shuang is lifted to the robot's chest and is plopped into its cockpit.
"Okay... Looks like we are not so special anymore... But, I guess this is what makes so interesting! I accept the challenge!" He pushes down on a lever and this makes his robot charge towards Cao Shuang's, but Cao Shuang presses a few buttons to make the robot counter the other's attacks. They lock hands while pushing on each other.
"Give up!"
"You first!"
"You're not taking this capital!"
"Oh, I'm taking this capital! What the-?! Why is this thing's power level only about half of what's it supposed power?!" He looks at a very specific meter featuring a human figure on it.
Depressed and emotionally unstable woman as co-pilot
Please change to a hyper-active little brother figure as soon as possible
"Hey! What's going on up there?! If you put some more effort, then we can over-power Cao Schlong!"
"...And what then?"
"The world is mine, that's what happens!"
"Knowing you, a world ruled by you would be hell. At least to women... Why should I even bother assisting you?"
"Oh no... Are you seriously thinking about that right now?! What are you, Buzzfeed?!"
"Heh... You're not white nor straight, so that doesn't apply to anything here."
"What's this about? During the course of our marriage, you never acted like some angsty teenager! Well, maybe during the first few years of marriage was like that, but that was hormones for you! If you let this schlong win, we might as well be saying goodbye to our heads! So, for f*EFF!*'s sake, power up this bitch!"
The meter has the human figure fill up halfway, only to stop there with the bright red message:
Subject is half-motivated
Please replace with hyper-active little brother figure
"I don't have that! Come on! Schlong's pushing us back!"
"...I can't... No matter how much I push it, I just can't muster anymore power..."
"Bullsh*bleep*! I read the meter!" He pauses and begins to speak in a calm and softer tone.
"...You want to know something? All those mean things I say are simply ways of showing my affection. If there's a day I say something genuinely nice, it means you f*EFF!*ed up in a way. And that's why I have never said anything nice throughout the course of our relationship. You never f*EFF!* up. Except that one time. And there. And that. But most of the time, you don't eef it up. That's something I hate about you."
"...Wait... So all those of times I curse you out, you took it as a sign of affection...?"
"Yes. It applies to you, you know. You never said one nice thing to me, so that means something to me."
"So that means I have to take everything you say and change it to the opposite meaning?"
"Heh, if that's how you want to process things. I'm sure all of those things you said before weren't that mean."
"...But... They were actually mean..."
"You don't know that. Now, take these words into that head of yours: 'If your fat ass slows us down, I'll leave you here to rot." A message appears over the screen.
Translation: "Do this for me, please. We're together on this."
"...Heh." There are two levers on either side of her and she grips them hard. Back down at the chest part of the robot, the human meter fills up the empty half in seconds. With a determined pull, the robot easily pushes back Cao Shuang and knocks him back. Cao Shuang flies off his chair and tumbles away from the control panel. He quickly scrambles back to see a giant fist flying towards where he is in. The fist burrows itself into his robot's chest and hits Cao Shuang directly.
Back out, the other robot retracts its fist to reveal a flattened Cao Shuang sticking to the knuckles. Sima Yi pulls another lever to have Cao Shuang be punched into the ground.
"You are now to relinquish all authority all to me." He lifts up the fist to let Cao Shuang plop down onto the ground, bloodied. He cries out,"...Why..?! You understand who you're dealing with here...?!"
"Want a reason? Psych! I'm the most confusing character here! I don't have to explain myself! Now please die."
The robot now has its foot hovering over the already defeated Cao Shuang. He makes one small peep, and the robot stomps onto him with a deafening boom.
[Shuang= Schlong. They just made it that easy, you know?]
The scene features just a house and the loud noises of rubber squeaking.
"Are you ready to move on? Away from... this thing...?"
"That thing has seen better days..."
More rubber squeaking. The sound of a liquid being constantly poured onto the floor fills the house.
"Oh my god..."
"Wow... It's still going too."
The noise continues, much to their dismay.
"How much did you use Lady Fu?!"
"I want to know why isn't your vagina ready all the time! If your vagina would be just as flexible as Lady Fu's here, then maybe I wouldn't even NEED her!"
"You would have killed me if you constantly use me like a tube sock!"
"A tube sock would last longer than you!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I just know my limits as a human!"
"I demand pleasure and the fact you're a zombie should not deter you from spending time with my dick!"
"Wait... If I can't die..."
"Yes! You can spend plenty of time catering to my needs now that you're a zombie!"
"Huh... I guess..."
They notice that the flowing noise was still going and Sima Yi says,,"Yeah, I don't need her anymore. Goodbye, Lady Fu. And... hello to a mop and bucket because all of that is all over the floor."
"Just... Oh my god... All of this... All of this is just so many unborn kids that could have been inside me or other women..."
"Yeah, yeah... Go mop this up. Lady Fu is going to be given a proper burial. At the bottom of the Yellow River."