Trigger warning- suicide, depression, and self-harm. Also- this chapter is a bit shorter than normal- but I ended it where I did for a reason. Enjoy.
It feels like all the air is knocked out of my body.
I cannot believe what Austin's just told me. I can't believe it. He was…raped…? Someone took every last bit of innocence he had? How is this fucking possible…? He's so vulnerable and innocent- but he's been hiding such a dark, deep, and painful secret for so long. The burden must've weighed down hard on his shoulders- I can't even imagine how hard that was for him to keep to himself.
Austin stares at me pleadingly, his eyes watery. I can feel him shaking- he's terrified that I'm going to leave. That this is going to repulse me- and I'm just going to get up and leave him. I wouldn't dare- but he's been abandoned so many times in the past, that his assumption is- everyone will leave at some point.
"Oh, Austin…" I whisper, leaning down to kiss his head. "I can't believe that happened to you, love…do you want to talk about it? Will it make you uncomfortable to tell me what happened?"
Austin nods slightly. "Can't. Not yet. Just hold me? Hold me, and please don't let me go…please…" His voice is rough from disuse, and it makes me wince. He might be getting strep- but it's more probable that he'll lose his voice. Screaming does that.
"I will never let you go, Austin. I promise."
"So, is he getting any better? It's been two weeks…"
I glance at the doctor nervously, pulling Ratliff closer to me. Riker tightens his grip on Austin- four pairs of eyes staring at the elder man in front of us.
Doctor Simmons looks up from his clipboard- a few moments pass, before a smile begins to grace his face. "He is, indeed. Rocky is breathing on his own. We've see signs of brain activity- which is a signifier that he'll wake up soon. He's on the road to recovery- his lung is almost healed- his skull is also on the mend. He'll be in casts for another two to four weeks, however."
A feeling of warmth rushes through me, and I smile, turning to face Ratliff. "He's gonna be okay," I repeat the doctor's words, pulling my younger brother close to my body, and leaning down to drop a kiss on his head.
Out of my peripheral vision, I can see Riker whispering something in Austin's ear, cradling him gently. Austin's mental health is concerning- he's been attached to Riker- and he hasn't said much about what happened. In my eyes, there's something Riker knows about him- something he has neglected to tell us.
Sighing, I pull away from Ratliff and glance down at him. "Something's wrong with Austin, Ell. Something bad. Riker knows what it is, but he won't tell us anything."
Ratliff is silent for a moment, turning his head to glance at brothers. "Maybe he's not ready. If it's affecting him that much, it must be horrid, and I don't think Austin's in any kind of position to be blurting it out to all of us. Just give 'em some time."
"I guess you're right," I say reluctantly. "Come on, let's run back home for a bit. You need to take your meds, and I wanna get my laptop."
Ratliff groans. "Do I need to take those goddamn things?"
"Yes," I reply firmly. "End of discussion."
"You're a bitch, Ry," he complains, leaning his head on my shoulder.
I chuckle. "And you're just figuring that out?"
"I don't know what the fuck got into you, but I swear to fucking god, Ally…"
I stare at her, crossing my arms over my chest and glaring at her. She refuses to meet my gaze, and I don't know why. If she's regretting this now- why the fuck did she do that to Austin in the first place?
"I don't know- I just got angry… He was just pissing me off with his goddamn attitude, and I snapped."
My eyes widen. "Attitude?! His brother is in a fucking coma, he's fucking suicidal, and he's barely able to keep himself from cutting! He's on crutches, and it's obvious that his knee is fucking hurting! What kind of fucking attitude do you think he has? And not to mention- you can't take your anger out on him. Do you not know how sensitive he is?!"
"Stop yelling at me," Ally grumbles. "I know I fucked up. You don't need to be the third fucking person to say it."
"Well obviously- I do have to be," I reply. "You destroyed Austin. He was doing okay- until you triggered him into one of the worst panic attacks he's ever had. The kid could not fucking breathe. He was in full-blown panic attack mode when Riker showed up, and I could see the red scratch marks that Austin left on his neck. He was completely freaking out, Ally! Doesn't that mean anything to you?!"
"He's not the same Austin. He's not the best friend I once knew. That person is not Austin. He doesn't matter to me. Austin is cool, confident, happy, and my best friend. This Austin is a suicidal, depressed, crying mess."
Trembling violently, I lay against Riker's chest- eyes closed. The sound of his heartbeat is calming, and the steady rise and fall of his chest calms me. I don't think he's asleep- but we're not talking- we're just sitting here and thinking.
Some of you may call me a baby, but I've been through a lot in my life. I've seen so much pain and felt things that no fifteen year old should have to feel. I don't know how to handle myself. Breaking down in Riker's arms is my only source of comfort- because he won't let him out of his sight to cut. I need my blade, but he won't let me have it, and that's just making the withdrawal so much worse.
I just…I still can't believe I told Riker that. I can't believe I confessed my biggest secret to him- I didn't mean to. It just came out- my thoughts caught up with each other, and it was like my fingers were moving on their own. I don't know why I said it- but I just regret it. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want him to know that I'm dirty.
I'm dirty and used and just plain disgusting. Some man took away my innocence, and I'm never getting it back. I just don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live with my dirty, disgusting body, and my terrorizing mind. I don't want to live, breathe, or think anymore. I just want to be done with it- I don't think I'm cut out for this, nor can I take it anymore.
I sigh, cuddling closer to Riker and holding back a whimper. It catches in my throat, and creates a horrid sound. Riker sits up straighter, and cradles me in his arms, glancing at me worriedly.
"You okay?"
"Hurts," I mutter hoarsely, turning my head, so my face is pressed against his chest. I can hear his heartbeat under my ear, and that's basically the only thing keeping me sane. It's constant- and I need a constant thing in my life.
"What hurts, love?"
"Everything," I whimper. "I need help."
"I know you do. Everything is gonna be alright, Aus. I promise- Rocky's doing better, and he'll wake up soon, and we can have our happy family back. Well, not really happy, but still our family. Everything will be fine."
"No," I sigh. "When it all becomes okay again, something goes wrong, and we're left trying to pick up the pieces. I can't keep doing this, Rik. I can't pick up my pieces all the time- I'm so broken- in so many shards, and I don't think I can be put together again."
"By yourself, no," Riker agrees. "But you have us. You have Rydel, and Ratliff, and Rocky, and me. You have us- and we're going to do anything in our power to help you get through this. We helped each other- we're able to get through the day without losing all sanity, and soon, you'll be able to, too."
"It won't be enough. I'll be broken forever. It just hurts and I'm so tired and I want this all to go away, Rik. Make it stop…"
"Oh, Aus…" Riker sighs, leaning down to kiss the crown of my head. "I love you. And you're gonna be okay. It's late, get some rest, yeah? I won't leave you."
"Yeah you will. Everyone does. I'm just gonna die alone and broken."
Another week passes.
Rocky hasn't woken up yet- and it elicits so much fear in me. I promised Austin he would. I promised Austin that everything would be okay. I promised my younger siblings that Rocky would be fine.
I run a hand through Austin's short blonde hair, as he lies lazily against me. Rydel has her head on my shoulder, and Ratliff's head is in her lap, as she plays with his hair casually, occasionally leaning down to kiss his hair gently. It's affectionate, but we need comfort right now. The person that holds us together is lying unconscious in a hospital bed- and we're all falling apart without him.
"Guys?" Doctor Simmons strides over to us- clipboard clad. "I have some news on Rocky's condition."
Thoughts? I'm still looking for insight on the whole Auslly reconciliation. Reviews would be lovely- 80 reviews would make me so happy. Thank you guys so much for reading- I hope you enjoyed.
-Neha