Chapter 14-Myself When I'm Real

"I have to get away from here," Callie reaches the nurses station and tosses a chart on the counter before focusing on Addison. "Because I am going to kill them. I am going to break her perfect skinny little body," The bone-crushing motions are stopping hospital personnel in their tracts and force Addison to grab her arms and still her inventive flailing hand gestures.

"Okay, remember what I told you about stress. And stop with the teeth grinding. The noise is making me want to kill you."

"They're everywhere, all the time. I'm getting bigger by the day because of him and he's off kissing in the cafeteria. That is not something I need to see when I'm trying to nurture his child. Save me from the madness."

"How does the beach, warm weather, sun, and most importantly no Izzie and George sound?"

"How soon can we get out of here?" Callie's eyes sparkle. "Because today is sounding really good at this point."

"Well, how does Saturday sound because I have to cover for Lockheart." Addison sighs.

"Since when?"

"Since Richard all but had a breakdown and begged me." Grapping a chart and the chamomile tea Mark insisted on giving her, Addison turns on the black heels she still refuses to give up. "Wish me luck."

A scan over the chart of a seven year old, the recipient of a new kidney due to juvenile nephronophthisis and a look through the window at the smiling blonde, make Addison's stomach lurch and after a silent prayer, she forces a smile and opens the door.

There was a reason Addison didn't stick to pediatrics. Adults, their fearful questions, angry responses, became easy to handle. Newborns, unaware of the sickness that plagued them made her job easier, but to look into a sick child's eyes and have to break bad news. That, she couldn't do.

"Where's Dr. Sarah?" Confused blue eyes remove themselves from cartoons and peer into Addison's.

"Well, she has to be at home right now, but I'm going to check you out." She takes a spot on the edge of bed. "I'm Doctor Montgomery. You can call me Addison though."

"Okay. I'm Haley Marie James." And in good manners, the small girl offers her hand with a wide smile. "Do you have any kids?"

"That is a beautiful name, Haley. And I don't have any kids yet, but I'm going to have a baby." Addison didn't realize how happy it would make her to say that to a complete stranger, but the idea of impending motherhood, aside from the nausea(though there's been a definite decrease in in the "episodes" as Mark calls him) is making her happier than she's ever been.

"Is it a girl or a boy?" The blonde asks as Addison motions for her to scoot down on the bed.

"I don't know yet, but I think it might be a girl." Addison presses her fingers onto the child's abdomen and presses in various places. "Let me know if it hurts, okay."

"Stand back." Haley announces, tipping her head to the side and focusing intently on Addison's stomach.

"Does it hurt?" Worry creeps into Addison's mind as she drops her hands.

Vigorously shaking her head, Haley explains. "Nope, it doesn't hurt, but I think it's a boy baby. It looks like a boy baby."

Addison can't help but laugh at the serious tone of the seven year old. "Let me check you over and then you can give me baby name suggestions. Deal?"

As an answer, the small hand is extended yet again. "Deal."

A lack of fever, pain, tenderness, and a normal blood creatinine level mean good news for the six month follow-up as the kidney seems to be functioning with no sign of rejection.

"Is the kidney good?" Haley asks, watching Addison jot down levels on her chart.

"There are no problems, but," she starts and is interrupted by the quick-witted child.

"I know. Biopsy." Haley declares, following it with a dramatic rolling of the eyes.

"Yeah," Addison throws her a sympathetic look. "I know, but we have to make sure you stay healthy. And I have a few papers that need to be signed, so where are your parents, sweetie?"

"My mommy works here. Erica James."

"I'm going to go find her okay. I'll be back soon."

"Okay, and I choose Matthew because it's definitely a boy baby." Haley nods her head, bright locks falling over her face and notices the perplexed expression on the redheaded doctor's face. "You said I could choose baby names."

"No girl names?" Addison asks, smiling as she walks to door.

"You don't need a girl name for a boy. That's silly." The matter-of-fact tone in her voice could make her easily sound double her age.

"Of course. I don't know what I was thinking. Be good, Haley. I'll be back soon. A nurse will come help you get ready."

After a pouty "okay," Addison sets off in search of her patient's mother, which after thirty minutes proves to be harder than she first thought. Feet too sore to continue her search, Addison resorts to using the loud speaker, something she's always hated but feels necessary if she isn't going to take the nap she desperately wants.

A woman she vaguely remembers from her hours at Seattle Grace makes her way to the station.

"You took over Dr. Burke's position, right?" Addison's trying to place the face she remembers to the gossip she's heard of a Dr. Hahn from Callie.

"Yes, that's right." And it's clear she doesn't recognize her. "Montgomery" she whispers to herself. "I heard you moved."

"I did. I'm back for, well, personal reasons. Addison." She extends a hand and smiles. "It's unfortunate we never had the chance to work together. I've heard you do wonders with a heart, Dr. Hahn."

"Likewise." A gentle handshake and the blonde pushes a strand of hair back.

"Do you know an Erica James? I've been searching for an hour. And I'm never going to hear the end of it when I complain about these hurting." Addison motions to the peep-toes she's sporting.

"Why are you looking? You work in neonatal." Hahn's eyebrows are contorted with skepticism.

"I'm covering for Sarah Lockheart. And how do you…?" Hahn's face speaks volumes. "You?"

"How is she?" Her expression softens in an instant, blue eyes pleading.

"Showing no signs of rejection. We'll need a biopsy to completely rule it out, but she's good and adorable I might add. I didn't know you had a daughter."

"It isn't something I broadcast." Hahn immediately states.

Addison furrows an eyebrow at the hostile tone the woman takes on. "I don't understand."

"I've worked hard to create a reputation for myself, and I know from experience that mentioning I am a mother does not bode well for my career. I love her and I love my work. I don't believe I should have to choose between the two, but it's been made clear to me before that the two don't go well together. So if you could just keep this to yourself, I'd appreciate it."

"Okay," a slightly bewildered Addison responds. "I'll page you when I have the results of the biopsy."

"Thanks, Montgomery," Erica Hahn smiles slightly before turning to leave.

It scares her to hear another woman talking about choosing between family and work. She's already heard of the marriage problems Miranda has had, and has been dealing with Callie's crumbling marriage and while she and Mark may not be married, she can't help but think adding a child to their already complicated and confusing lives might be too much for them, their real relationship still all too new.

"Dr. Montgomery," the receptionist brings her back to reality, a phone to her ear. "Do you know where Sloan is? I have Bellevue on the line. They say it's urgent."

"I'll get him." Her feet lead her to the on-call room where she knows he's trying to catch up on some sleep before a routine surgery and all she can think about are the many reasons the hospital in New York would be contacting him. An insane notion of Mark deciding to ditch her pops into her mind, and by the time she sees his lump under the white sheet on the bed, she's fuming at the thought of him leaving the family she thought he wanted.

"What's in New York, Mark?" She quickly asks, flipping the light switch on.

The startled man grabs the sheet to shield his eyes as he tries to adjust and wake up at the same time.

"What the hell, Addison? What are you talking about?" he asks when he's finally awake and coherent, sitting up.

"Are you getting your old job back?" Anger has shifted to fear and she finds tears are prickling her eyes, just waiting for him to admit this isn't what he wants.

"Again, I have to ask, what are you talking about?"

"Go to the nurses station. Bellevue's on the line. I'm sure Reynolds is offering you head of plastics there, so just go." Addison fights the tears that are becoming too much to hold in. "I thought you wanted us."

"Okay, your hormones are making you insane so I'm going to let this slip," Mark stands up and walks towards the crying redhead and tilts her head up to look into his eyes. "I am not leaving you. I am not leaving Mark Junior. Ever. You're stuck with me. I haven't even talked to anyone in New York since I left, okay?" When she nods he places a kiss on her forehead. "So this hormone girl!flip-out thing is over?"

Addison thinks about it for a minute before running a hand over her face and throws him a small smile. "I'm sorry I doubted you."

"Yeah, I am too. So don't do it again. Okay?" He grins and runs a hand over the tiny bump. "Guess I better see what the call is about. I'll even let you listen in, so you can save yourself the worry." He doesn't allow her a response as he loops his fingers through hers and pulls her gently along with him.

"Mark Sloan," he answers and offers an apology for the wait.

Addison doesn't hear what the man's voice on the other line is saying, but she sees the tense expression on Mark's face and feels his hand grip hers tighter.

A long drawn out "Okay" ends the phone call and he hands the phone back to the young woman behind the desk.

"Mark, what's wrong?"

He doesn't answer, only pushes a hand through his hair and sighs.

"Mark?"

"Will you come with me?" His voice is different, scared and she's never seen him like this, so without waiting for the words it seems he'll never say, she nods in response and gives his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Is it your mom?" It's the only plausible scenario she can think of. Mark has no family except for her. His father left when he was two, and his mother went through at least four husbands after, but never had more children.

"No," she gently says. "There was a girl. He's two, Addi, and I just, tell me what we should do." His eyes plead with her, his mind fumbling to explain.

"You have to tell me what you're talking about first Mark."