I owe you guys some crazy apologies. I'm SO sorry this took so long to get out! I don't even know why but I had some insane issues writing this chapter. My endless thanks goes to JandMsMommy, writerinmydreams007, and KaydenceI (my lovely beta) who gave me countless pep talks and encouragement while I was trying to get this written. It might not have gotten out without their help. For serious. But I finally got it! *fist pumo* (haha) Love you guys hard. To everyone- thank you for sticking with me! All your favorites, alerts, and especially reviews brighten my days! Now, after this small essay, I'll finally let you get on to the chapter. :)
Chapter 14: Hope
I turned from the kitchen to head back to the porch where Bella was waiting. As soon as I touched the handle, the back door flew open. I was startled further when I felt a small, warm body crash into my own. Bella let out a small gasp before my arms snaked around her waist and I pulled her even closer to me.
"Bella, what's wrong?" I breathed gently into her hair as I held her close.
Instead of feeling her relax in my arms as I was hoping, her body stiffened and she pushed against my chest trying to free herself. I immediately let go of her, not wishing to hold her against her will, and leaned back to look in her eyes.
Her usually soft, brown eyes were now hard and determined, reflecting my own heartache. "Edward, you've got to listen to me," she said.
I resisted the urge to frown and refuse, knowing what she wanted to talk about. Instead, I nodded and followed her back outside to where we had been sitting earlier.
Sitting down, she traced the pattern in the wood underneath us until I took her hand in mine and squeezed it, bringing her attention back to me.
"Edward, I need to become like you. I need to become a vampire."
I fought against the anger brewing in the pit of my stomach and took a deep, calming breath.
"Why?" I asked simply.
She glanced down at the floor and sighed uncomfortably. Eventually, she spoke again. "I could live forever with you," she said. "I could join your family, and we could all be happy together. As long as I'm human, nothing will be right. Eventually I will lose you. I barely have a family, and you are the only person I have ever loved. I can't lose you."
Although her words made my heart constrict, they also made my insides boil with frustration. I leaned forward, placing my head in my hands and lacing my fingers through my hair.
"Bella, you don't understand," I mumbled into my hands. I felt her move closer to me, and she placed her hand on my back. After another moment I spoke again. "You don't understand my life, Bella. You can't be like me."
I felt her hand stiffen on my back and I looked up from the dark sanctuary of my palms against my face.
"I can be like you, Edward," she argued in a stiff voice that invited no argument. "Alice told me how the change works. I can endure a few days of pain to spend eternity with you."
"You don't understand, Bella!" I snapped, the frustration beginning to grate on my nerves. I saw the image of my Bella with crimson eyes and marble skin that had flashed through Carlisle's mind and my anger flared again. "I will not turn you into a monster."
I breathed in deeply through my nose and out my mouth to calm the pounding in my head before speaking again with less hostility. "Your life is sacred to me, as it should be to you. I could never live with myself if I doomed you to this… this existence."
She opened her mouth to interject, but I quieted her by placing my hand on her cheek and using my thumb to stroke the soft skin there. I marveled at the feel of her silky skin under my cold, hard fingers, and I looked into her deep, chocolate eyes that I refused to ever see turn red or even gold.
"What if I told you there is another way for us to be together?" I asked softly after a moment.
Her eyes widened slightly, but still held that determined edge. "What do you mean?" she asked cautiously.
I ran my hands through my hair, trying to discern the best way to tell her what Alice had seen. I eventually decided that there was no easy way to explain this to her, so I started off the best way I knew how. "You know that Alice has visions of the future. These visions are caused by decisions that are made; they're accurate unless the people involved change their minds about something. While you were at work today, she came to see me in Seattle; she had a vision about our future. In this vision, I was with you and I was human. Bella, nothing could ever turn me away from wanting that. My mind is made up—it will happen."
She was silent for a minute, gaping at me in awe of the information I had just shared. Suddenly, her brow furrowed and she looked down. "So my opinion doesn't matter?" she asked stiffly, not meeting my gaze as she spoke.
I was shocked and hurt by her disinterest. We could have a life together, a future. This was our answer; it was everything we had hoped for. Couldn't she see that? "I don't know how to make you understand, love," I pleaded, taking her hand in mine and squeezing it tightly in my own.
"What is there to understand?" she retorted, thankfully not pulling her hand away from mine.
I sighed deeply. There were too many things. There were things that I had brought up again and again while I tried to make her understand the repugnance of my being—the blood lust, the loneliness, the monster inside me. Nothing seemed to sway her determination to become like me and my family. If she couldn't understand why she shouldn't be a vampire, maybe she could understand why I should be human.
"Bella, you have no idea how much you mean to me," I began slowly, constructing my sentences carefully to try to make her understand. "Before you came into my life, there was nothing. I've been living every day for the past hundred years without purpose. Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night, and then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything is on fire; there is brilliancy, there is beauty. Now, in love with you, I have that purpose. I have something to look forward to."
I paused and looked deeply into her eyes. She wasn't frowning anymore, her expression softening as I spoke. She needed to understand why becoming human was so important to me. "Do you want to know what I look forward to?" I asked softly, hoping that she would hear the significance of my words.
"What?" she whispered, leaning closer to me.
"I look forward to a future with you," I told her gently. "I want to live life with you. I don't want to just exist anymore. You have given me so much already, and I can only dream of truly being able to give back to you. I've found love and hope—something I'll only ever have with you. I want us to be together, and to live life to the fullest. A real life, where we grow old and have a family together. I want a life where I can take you out to dinner or go on a picnic with you. I want to take you to the beach, where we could lay out in the sun all day or go sailing on the ocean. I want to give you everything you deserve out of life. We have a choice, Bella, and I choose to live with you. Will you let me live with you?"
I only had a moment to see the tears filling her eyes before she leaned forward and threw her arms around my neck, nestling into my shoulder and placing soft kisses on the skin there. I held my breath while she pressed her warm body against mine, praying to whatever God was out there that she now understood.
I held her tightly, our chests pressed together. The monster inside me felt her gentle heartbeat, heard its siren call.
Tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-thump.
Against my will, the monster took a deep breath, tasting the scent on his tongue.
Delicious.
This blood was unlike any other, made only for me. Why should I deprive myself of what is rightfully mine? My eyes slipped closed as I breathed in her intoxicating smell again.
Just a taste, the monster urged. That's all it would take. She wants to be like us anyway. Give her what she wants.
It would just be a taste—not enough to hurt her. I could taste her tempting blood and she could become like me. We could both get what we wanted.
I opened my eyes and set them on the creamy skin of her neck, finding the throbbing pulse point leading up under her jaw line.
She wants this.
I need this.
I leaned closer and placed my lips against her neck, feeling the rhythmic beating of her heart. Her smell nearly drove me wild at this proximity. My hands tangled in her hair, exposing her throat fully. My lips parted against her skin and I took another deep breath, inhaling the sweet scent once more before I would taste it. Slowly, my tongue tasted the skin above her delicate vein, savoring the essence.
"I love you, Edward," the siren whispered gently.
Shock waves rippled through my limbs and paralyzing fear hit my brain. I pulled away from her and stared at her in shock. Bella. What had I just done?
Her forehead creased as she looked back at me in confusion, not understanding the panic that had just taken over my body.
"Edward, what's wrong?" she asked, reaching her hand out and touching my arm.
"Don't touch me!" I barked as soon as her soft fingertips made contact with my skin, sending a fresh wave of desire through my body.
She drew her hand back quickly as though she had touched a hot kettle.
I concentrated on the grass on the ground in front of us, the fresh smell of the outdoors and the flowers from Esme's garden across the yard, attempting to rid my senses of the intoxicating scent of Bella's blood. I couldn't look at her.
As I stared at the grass blowing in the breeze in front of me, my fear and repulsion was replaced by guilt. I buried my face in my hands and tried to block out the terrible memory. This was the only girl I had ever loved; the only girl I would ever love. The monster inside didn't care who she was though. He only saw her as prey. The monster thirsted for her blood. If not for her timely profession of love, I would have bitten her. At that moment, I hated myself more than I ever had before. I had completed the act and actually killed people before, but that guilt was nothing compared to the overwhelming shame I felt now.
I couldn't live like this anymore. I wouldn't put Bella in danger like this ever again.
I turned my head slightly and glanced up out of my hands at Bella, who was still sitting beside me on the steps, staring at her interwoven hands in her lap, chewing on her bottom lip. She looked worried and upset, and I knew immediately that it was my fault.
"Bella," I said softly, not making a move to touch her in spite of my want to do so.
Her head shot up and she looked at me, her lips forming a smile as I looked back at her.
"I love you," I said. "I love you so much. Please forget what just happened."
Her forehead creased again and she opened her mouth to speak, but to avoid any questions I spoke first.
"I'm dangerous. I know you don't understand and you don't think I am, but I know. You mean too much to me for me to continue in this life. I want to be with you."
She nodded. "You would give up everything for me?" she asked gently. "You would give up immortality to live with me?"
"Everything is worthless without you," I replied. "I'd rather live one day with you than a thousand without you."
She smiled and nodded, her eyes filling with tears again.
"Don't cry," I said with a smile, reaching out and brushing a tear from the corner of her eye.
"I just…I can't believe this is happening," she said, placing her hand over mine and giving it a soft squeeze.
"Believe it," I said. "I would do anything to be with you, remember that."
She gave me another shy smile before I leaned over and placed a small kiss on her forehead. I was feeling better now that I had gotten over my recent lack of control, and I was missing the familiar closeness I had grown to love withher.
"Are you ready to go talk to my family?" I asked after a moment.
Her eyes widened and she pulled away to look at me in shock. "They don't know yet?"
"Carlisle does," I said with a grimace, not looking forward to sharing the news with everyone else. "And of course Alice, since she is the one who had the vision, but the rest have no idea."
She was silent for a moment, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt while her bottom lip moved between her teeth. "Will they be mad?"
I paused for a moment, considering my response. Would they be mad? I knew they wanted me to be happy, but would they see it as choosing Bella over them? They were my family, my brothers and sisters for the past century, but she was the love of my life. They should understand, considering they had all found love themselves. I knew them all well enough to be sure that they would do anything to be with the one they loved. They would all understand, but would they accept my decision?
"I'm not sure," I replied honestly. I couldn't lie to her; she would notice their reactions herself.
She didn't respond, only hanging her head in response and staring at the boards of the porch under our feet. I was unsure of what to say, knowing I couldn't change my family's reaction to my decision, but I had made my decision regardless. Her sadness worried me, making me afraid that she had changed her mind and she wouldn't accept my decision. What would happen then? If she didn't want me to be human could I still go through with the change?
When I was about to go insane from the thoughts in my head, she finally spoke again, but her words were nothing that I had imagined.
"I've never had a family," she said, not raising her head to look at me as she spoke. "My mother abandoned us when I was young and my father has never cared about me."
My eyes widened at her admission, and I felt a pang of sadness for her. "I'm sure that's not true, Bella, if—"
"It is," she interrupted. "I spent my whole life taking care of him, and he never appreciated any of it. I did everything from the time I was twelve until I graduated high school. I can count on one hand the number of times he said thank you for anything."
I reached toward her and took her hand in mine, lacing our fingers together and studying them for a moment before whispering, "I'm sorry."
"My mother is the one who wanted to have me," she continued without acknowledging my words or actions. "My father never wanted children, but he agreed for her. He loved her so much; he would have done anything for her. Two years after I was born she got tired of being a mother and left. She would have been happy with Charlie—she left because of me. I think, had Charlie agreed to put me up for adoption, she would still be with him.
"She came around a lot while I was growing up, always staying for a few weeks at a time before getting frustrated with me, or bored in Forks, and leave again. I didn't understand and my father didn't bother explaining to me. While she was there, Charlie was happy and they would spend every moment together. As soon as she left, he would get angry again and it would be worse than ever before. When I was twelve, she came back again, but this time it was different. They yelled and fought the first day. I couldn't hear anything, I just had to get away. I went to Jacob's house. I spent the entire week there, but I don't think they even noticed. When I came home again, my father was sitting on the couch crying alone. I never saw my mother again, and I lost what little bit of a father I had."
She was crying now, the tears running sporadically down her cheeks too quickly for me to wipe them away. I tried anyway, catching the tears that I could before moving closer to her and wrapping my arms around her shaking form and pulling her close to me. Her head rested on my chest, her tears soaking through the thin fabric of my t-shirt, but I didn't care. I was overcome with remorse for Bella's broken family.
When her sobs quieted and her breathing calmed, she moved out of my arms and looked up into my face.
"Edward, you're so lucky to have a family like this," she said, sincerity written all over her face. "You're not even blood related but you're closer than my family has ever been. I never want to do anything to come between you and your family."
My heart swelled and I pulled her close to me again, kissing her hair as I hugged her. "I love you, Bella. You're mine and I'm yours. Even though you're not going to join this family in the way that the rest of us did, you will be no less a part of it."
She smiled for the first time, causing a darkness I hadn't even realized was hanging around us to dissipate. "You really think I will be part of your family? You think they will accept me?"
I laughed and squeezed her tightly again, bending so I could speak into her ear. "They love you already. Did you see the way my mother was looking at you? How excited Alice was that you were here? They already consider you a part of this family."
She giggled against my chest as I kissed her forehead again before releasing her and standing to my feet. "So, are you ready to talk to them?"
A look of uncertainty crossed her face again as she chewed her bottom lip, but she nodded her head anyway and took my hand, allowing me to pull her up off the steps.
"It won't be that bad, I promise," I whispered into her ear as we walked inside.
I led her through the hallway, poking my head into every room along the way where I knew parts of my family sat. Everyone obliged to my request to come to the living room and soon we were all sitting back in the living room, all of them looking at us expectantly.
Alice was bouncing in her seat and Jasper had his hand on her knee, trying to get her to calm down, mumbling something about listening. She must have not told him about her vision. Carlisle stood behind the leather armchair where Esme sat, a knowing smile on his face while he waited for us to speak. Judging from the expressions of the rest of my family, the two who knew what was happening had not told anyone else. Part of my brain was wishing they had already told everyone so we didn't have to deal with their reactions, but I knew that was irrational. No matter how resolved I was in my decision, I still had to share it with the rest of my family and gauge their reactions.
I had taken for granted the close-knit family I had here until Bella had shared her story with me. I had never thought about the oddities of my family or thought of the love we shared to be anything out of the ordinary. It just was.
I reached for Bella's hand and she took it, putting me instantly more at ease through her soft touch. I took a deep breath, bringing in courage, before opening my mouth to speak.
"I'm sure you've all had your doubts about the relationship between Bella and me since it begun, and I have to admit that at times, I've wondered myself how it will all work."
I felt Bella squeeze my hand as I spoke and I paused, glancing around the room to see the confirmation in the eyes of my family members.
"I promised Bella early on that we would do whatever we had to in order to make this relationship work, because in the short time that we have known each other, we've found a love stronger than either of us could have ever imagined. It wasn't until Alice came to me today in Seattle that I began to hope for a solution to our problem."
I saw Jasper glance at Alice in surprise and she gave him a small smile, confirming my idea that he didn't know what was going on.
"Alice had a vision," I said, unable to keep the smile off of my face. Eyebrows rose around the room as I continued. "She saw Bella and me in the future, and my eyes were green—like they were when I was human."
I was interrupted by four different exclamations from the members of my family that had not known about this before. They were all suddenly on the edges of their seats, their questions stringing together to form an almost incoherent buzz. Even after they stopped speaking, their thoughts jumbled in my head, making it difficult to pick out what I needed to say.
"Are you sure?" Esme finally spoke at a normal speed, looking between Alice and me for confirmation.
I nodded and Alice spoke. "I knew it the moment I saw them. The sun was shining and his skin didn't sparkle like ours does, and his eyes were a bright shade of green that ours could never reach being vampires. He was human."
I glanced over at Bella while Alice spoke, but she didn't notice my eyes on her. Her attention was raptly focused on every word Alice spoke about her vision. I smiled at her obvious amazement and joy.
Esme nodded and turned back to me when Alice finished, her face a mask of concern. "So, now what?" she asked. "Is that really possible?"
Everyone quieted at her words, wondering the same thing.
"That's why I was talking to Carlisle earlier," I said, nodding in his direction as I spoke. "He doesn't know a lot about it, but he did say it has been done before."
I turned my attention to Carlisle, hoping he could explain what he knew.
"I've heard of it once before, almost two hundred years ago now," he said. "I didn't know the man well, so I don't know what drove his desire to be human again, but it was not simple. I saw him once as human, but he admitted to me that he was not happy. He was forbidden to speak of the experience or else I would know more about it, but through what little he said I know it will be difficult. I warned Edward of this, but he said he would do anything to be with Bella as human."
To my surprise, everyone was silent when he finished speaking, each seeming lost in thought.
"So… how does it happen?" Alice finally asked.
"He'll have to go to Volterra," Carlisle announced somberly, his voice betraying the distaste he had for the place.
I noticed as everyone's eyes widened again. No one said anything, but their thoughts betrayed their feelings. They all seemed to be worried and concerned, but no one was opposed to my decision. I couldn't keep the smile off my face as I turned to look at Bella again.
"Are you okay?" I asked softly.
She glanced up at me with worry in her eyes and nodded slowly after a moment. "Edward, are you sure?" she asked. "This sounds dangerous. I'm afraid."
"Nothing could change my mind," I whispered, leaning over to kiss her cheek.
"Alright," a booming voice interrupted. "When do we leave?"
I looked up to see Emmett, already on his feet and staring at me expectantly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised by his eagerness.
He shrugged. "You don't expect to go without us, do you?"
"No," I chuckled, his support sending my spirits soaring. "I'm just glad to see you standing behind me on this."
Before he could respond, Esme spoke, her smile putting me at ease. "I know how much this means to you. I think we all do. We just want to be there for you."
I sighed deeply, the built up tension leaving my body as I looked around the room at my family. They were each nodding or smiling as they looked at Bella and me sitting next to each other on the couch. I reached over and pulled her into my arms, kissing her lips softly before pulling back just enough to look into her eyes.
"I love you," I whispered.
"I love you, too," she said through her wide smile.
"I told you I would make this work."
Hope it was worth the wait!! The next one will come sooner. Cross my heart. If it doesn't you can come hunt me down on Twitter and yell at me. I just have one request of you all-- I'm 16 reviews from 200. Get me there, please? I'd love you all even more than I already do. :)