You guys simply rock! I apologize for not replying to your reviews, but I am on vacation and don't have nearly any time online. I still hope to be able to keep the updates coming as regularly as up until now.

But anyway, here's the next update, a little girl time, for a change.:)

BECKETT AND LANIE

She takes Lanie to her newly established room, shows her around, explains about the two suitcases and her meager possession, her summery, seasonal closet. She doesn't tell her part of the reason she has so little clothes is because she filled half a suitcase with Castle's books.

"Damn, you're up for some serious shopping you poor clothes-less girl!" says Lanie and Kate has to laugh. She's missed her best friend, along with her morgue humor.

"Wanna join me?" Kate asks with a spark in her eyes, hoping she's still as good at reading Lanie and predicting her answers as she once used to be.

"Hell yeah! Next Saturday?" Lanie says, way too enthusiastically. It causes Kate to laugh some more.

It feels good to laugh again.

Kate shrugs at last. "If you're free? It's not like I have to be anywhere." They both fall silent after that. Because yes, she's nearly forgotten, basking in the return of Lanie's friendship, she's still as home- and jobless as before.

"It's a date," says Lanie after a beat, smiling broadly, her hand coming to squeeze Kate's forearm and the brunette smiles wildly back.

"I missed you," she blabbers out unable to stop herself and her cheeks flush with her boldness. She isn't usually this open, not even with Lanie. A soft, appreciating smile stretches through Lanie's face before her eyes stray somewhere behind Kate.

"I wasn't obviously the only one you were missing," she says slyly and Kate turns her head, momentarily confused at the meaning behind Lanie words.

Oh.

They are standing in front of Kate's bookshelf, her only one now, filled with the books she brought home with her from the safe house. And she immediately catches Lanie's meaning, how can she not? Because at least two thirds of the shelf is filled with Castle, Frozen Heat placed not even in the line but on the top of the row of aligned books. Her heart twitches in her chest.

She wishes she could reply something coherent to Lanie, anything really, but the words are stuck in her throat, air still in her chest.

"Speaking of which," says Lanie softly, having obviously caught up at Kate's sudden stiffness, "why wasn't Castle here with us today?"

She doesn't answer immediately, just runs her hand over the spines of his books, the gesture both, subconscious and affectionate. It's not that she doesn't have an answer, oh she has one alright. She is just unable to give it. A deep sigh leaves her lips when she walks over to the bed, her hands gripping the mattress tightly as she sits down heavily, the curtain of her hair falling around her face like a shield as she bows her head.

"I've already spoken to him. A couple of days ago," she utters quietly, waiting for Lanie's reprimand of her tardiness in telling the rest of them. It never comes. Instead, the mattress dips next to her, a hand coming to rest over her clenched one.

"From your reaction, I assume he didn't take it quite so well," she observes tentatively.

"It was a disaster," Kate blurts out, feeling that familiar tremor in her chest.

"Oh girl, I'm so sorry," Sighs Lanie. "But you have to understand, it's a huge thing to take in all at once," she says soothingly and if she weren't so crushed by the memory, Kate would have actually smiled at the sudden switch in Lanie's alliance. "Let's be honest girl," Lanie continues in an obvious attempt to lighten the mood, "if it were the other way around, if he faked his dead and came to you a year later with a 'Honey, I'm home', you'd shoot him where he stood with your Glock, wouldn't you?"

"I have a Sig," replies Kate dryly, but the mental image makes her snigger. Yes, she'd definitely first kill him and then ask questions. Still, there is more to the matter, far more than Lanie is aware of, and it makes Kate's amusement disappear in a second.

Lanie must sense the change in mood, for she squeezes Beckett's hand, speaking in a light tone; "Don't worry. The boys will come around, both of them. Just give them some time and you'll have Castle following you around in no time again."

"No Lanie, you don't understand," says Kate, sighing deeply as she brings her hand up to brush her hair behind her ear in an absent-minded gesture. She looks at her friend, gives her a pointed look and Lanie falls silent, expectant.

"I…we…" Kate starts and stops again.

'We slept together', 'He loved me', 'I still love him',is on the tip of her tongue, but the words won't come out that way. "It's not the same, Lanie. Not the same as it is with Espo," she says, deciding for the longer route of explaining.

"I know Kate. Hell, we all know," Lanie says quietly, gently, squeezing Kate's hand. "The guy has feelings for you, huge feelings. So okay, it's gonna be a bit rocky and tough for a while, but it's not like you guys haven't faced hard situations before," she offers gently, and the compassion mixed with conviction in her tone makes Kate's heart nearly burst with grief, because Lanie's trying so hard but she doesn't know half the story. Beckett shakes her head anew, wills the lump in her throat away.

"No Lanie, there's something you don't know," she says, and she turns her head to look at her friend at last. "We slept together," she offers wistfully. "Before I disappeared. He told me he loved me and we slept together."

The silence that follows is ear-splitting. Lanie's eyes grow wide, her mouth forming a little 'o'. When Kate won't say more, Lanie takes it upon herself to press her friend for more information.

"You gotta explain far more than that, girl," says Lanie warningly, her body bouncing on the mattress, turning fully towards Kate. "When the hell did this even happen?" she exclaims. "The last time I checked, the two of you were first bickering over some silly flight attendant bimbo, after that slowly struggling to find a balance in working together normally again and then your mom's case popped up. So when the hell did all of this happen?"

Kate winces at Lanie's summary, looking a bit sheepish and a bit hurt. Has it truly been so rocky between them? All she can remember now are his hot lips pressed against the column of her throat, his quiet declarations in the middle of the night, that twinkle in his eye when he brought her coffee in the morning, shockingly shy and delighting in the fact that she was wearing nothing but his dress shirt from the night before. Obviously, her brain decided to displace all other, less ideal memories from her mind for the time being.

"It was the day I nearly died hanging from the roof after my fight with Maddox," utters Kate at last, willing Lanie to do all the necessary connections. "We fought that morning. He tried to talk me out of investigating the case. We exchanged some well-kept secrets along with some harsh words," she says, squirming uncomfortably. How she only wishes she could take that particular fight back. "He told me he loved me then, told me he couldn't watch me run straight into harm'sway again, would walk away for good if I didn't stop."

"Oh Kate, sweetie," says Lanie, squeezing her hand again. "What did you do?"

Kate gives her a sad smile. "You know me," she shrugs helplessly, a self-deprecating snort escaping her lips, "I refused to acknowledge anything he said, shut him out instead." She watches Lanie's eyebrows rise, surprise yet comprehension on her friend's face.

"It was too much for you," her friend says, tries to guess her motives, "Hearing him say that he loves you." But Kate merely shakes her head.

"It's wasn't even the first time he told me," she utters sadly, and her voice is so quiet now Lanie has to strain her ears to hear her at all.

"What?" Lanie exclaims and her voice bounces around the small bedroom. "Kate Beckett, you better start talking now!"

So Kate tells her. About the shooting, about her lies, about his. About how she's been going to therapy, working slowly on getting closer to the day where she could reveal to him she'd remembered him say those words, waiting for a day where she could say them back. How it all went up in smoke with the rediscovery of her mother's case, how they argued, what they've said. How the only thing keeping her hanging from that roof was not the thought of getting revenge for her mother's murder but the thought of Castle. How she sought him out later that day after resigning from the precinct, arriving at his doorstep soaked to the bone and desperate in her quest to make amends. How she left his place the next morning with the promise of an early return only to have his world ripped apart a couple hours later by staging her own death.

Sometimes during her speech the tears start to fall again and Kate wonders where the hell they keep coming from, she should be completely depleted of them by now. She somehow manages to talk even through them while Lanie tightly grips her hand, listening quietly as she lets her friend talk.

"No wonder the poor guys was so devastated," Lanie says thoughtfully during one of Kate's hiccup pauses, running gentle circles over her friends back. Kate really wishes they'd stop saying that, all of them, how much her lie has hurt him. It just tears at her heart that much more.

"Lanie I swear, I didn't want to do it, didn't want to put him through that, especially not after…" her voice cracks, "But they gave me no choice. Maddox in my apartment meant open season on my life. And I knew he would try anything in his power to protect me. I couldn't let him try to protect me and possibly take the next bullet for me, again" she ended on a sob, seeing the devastation on Lanie's face, knowing it was mirroring her own.

The ME hugged her then, strong and fierce. "I'm so sorry sweetie, for the both of you."

It took Kate a couple of moments to pull herself together somewhat, finally disentangling from Lanie and sending her a rueful smile.

"So what exactly happened between the two of you when you saw him again?" inquires Lanie.

Kate gives another sad smile. "He was confused, shocked beyond speech, Lanie. And then livid. But that was understandable, I was expecting that," she starts, her eyes unfocused as she remembers. "But it's what he said later, when he wasn't that angry anymore, when he knew exactly what he was saying."

"Said what?" Lanie prompts.

"Basically that he was over me," said Kate with a heartbreaking tremulous smile, her voice choked and eyes watery, "That my lie forced him to move on." She turned her head away from Lanie, unable to take the twinkle of shock there. "I've lost him Lanie. I've waited too long and then I screwed it up even more. You were right, all along, he can't wait for me forever." She's twisting her hands on her lap again.

"But I told him I loved him," says Kate and there is a twinge of pride in her voice. "Told him that I'd be waiting for him if he ever changed his mind." She can feel one of Lanie's hands cover hers and she squeezes in return. "But I don't know Lanie," Kate draws a deep breath, steadying her voice, "I really think…I really think I might have lost him for good," she admits, shaking her head in frustration.

"Nuh-uh!" disagrees Lanie, "there is no way that man is over you, not after the way he smashed himself over you at his own Christmas party not even a month ago. Hell, your own father had to put him in the cab while he was still babbling and moaning your name." She means the words as a pick-me-up, but they seem to have the exact opposite effect on Kate as Lanie would have hoped.

"And then there is that." Kate speaks quietly once she manages to school the sickened expression away from her face. "I mean, even if he could somehow forgive me, get over the lie, whenever I think about what that lie's done to him…how I'll always be just a reminder of that horrible time to him, I can't see how thia can ever work. How he could one day wake in the morning, look into my face and not see me for what I represented to him for the past couple of months, the source of his worst anguish and suffering. Maybe," Kate suggests tentatively, "Maybe it's better this way."

"No way Kate Beckett, you don't get to do that," hisses Lanie and Kate's taken aback by the anger in her friend's voice.

"You don't get to quit on him by justifying why it were better if the two of you weren't together, why it's better this way. It would be only too easy to agree it was for the best, but it's not. You claim you love that man and you're already giving up on him? Just because the first time he saw you after eight months thinking you were dead he didn't fall to his knees in silent prayer but instead said certain things he didn't even mean?" Kate starts to shake her head in protest, but Lanie will have none of it. "I've watched that man fall into pieces over you, and I am sure he's currently completely overwhelmed and confused with the information he's been given, so he'll need time, which, as you said, you are willing to give him. And one day, that lie won't sting so much and the loss won't feel so bad and that's the day he will show up at your doorstep seeking answers and that's the moment Kate Beckett - and you listen very carefully to me now - that's the moment the real work will only start for you. Because he'll still be broken but you'll make damn sure to be there for him, you hear me? You'll be there for him in any capacity he'll need you and you'll offer to him whatever he might need to get over this. And you will do so not because you think you owe him but because you still love him, even despite the fact that he's probably a little changed and even despite the fact that he went through a crippling trauma. This man you claim to love is now hurting as hell and in desperate need for your help. And you are going to give it to him, whatever it takes, so he can heal, so you both can heal. Because aunt Lanie will want to get to be a bridesmaid and a God mother to those awfully annoying, smart, foul-mouthed and utterly adorable kids you guys will one day have, you get me?" she finishes, nearly sizzling with her zest to bring her point across.

Kate looks at her friend, taking in her words. Her chest expands with warmth at Lanie's protectiveness towards Castle, Lanie carrying about him so much she feels the need to advocate for him, but the very thought of that giant hurdle lying ahead of her leaves Kate's feeling more than a little spend and tired all of a sudden. She gives Lanie a small sad smile and a tiny nod that doesn't seem to convince her friend. Lanie switches to a more serious tone, repeating her words to Kate in a slower, more moderate manner. "Kate honey, I know you feel bad. Hell, we've all been giving you hell for lying to us, but we've just been angry. Deep down, we all know – or soon enough will understand - that you had no choice. And that you did it to protect us. Is that correct?" Lanie asks, watching Kate's eyes glass over, head nodding vigorously.

"I know you feel guilty, for what you made him go through, how much pain you've put him through. But Kate, if you really want to help him, possibly want to try to have a real relationship with him, Kate sweetie, you have to stop guilting yourself about it. You said it yourself, that lie kept him protected and safe, so there's nothing you should be feeling guilty about, even if everybody else said differently. That lie possibly saved his life. So when he comes around, and trust me sweetie, there's no way in hell he won't knock at your door some time in the next few days, simply be there for him. Do what is necessary for him to trust you again, trust the world again, help him in any way you can," Lanie's voice has taken on a soothing quality, soft and warm and caring, and it feels like a balm over Kate's jagged heart. "Just don't let that trauma drag you both down the rabbit hole. One of you needs to be the strong one, and because Castle is really in no position to be that one right now, it's gotta be your job to keep the two of you above water." Lanie falls silent after that, bringing a hand to stroke Kate's cheek. The gesture feels so good it causes Kate's eyes to close. "You two will help each other, okay?" adds Lanie, bringing her friend close into a hug. They stay like that for a couple of moments, Kate simply enjoying the warm embrace from another caring person. She was never a hugger, but she seriously contemplates becoming one now, if it only means she'll get to feel this good again.

"Thank you, Lanie," whispers Kate into Lanie's hair. "I really needed the girl talk," she says with a tiny hint of amusement in her voice. Lanie withdraws and eyes her, long and hard, then breaks into a grin of her own. "Any time girl. Now, in the meantime, we so need to do something about that wardrobe of yours." Kate huffs a laugh at that, nods her head in agreement.

They make plans, arrange a shopping trip next Saturday when Lanie won't be on call. It feels good. It feels like being alive again, feels like having friends, a life, again.

As they part at the door, Lanie turns on her spot, regarding Kate with something akin of mischief in her eye.

"One more thing, Kate. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about Javi too much. A lot has changed in the past couple of months on my end too. A lot indeed," she says with a mischievous twinkle in her eye, going for mysterious but laughing out loud when spotting Kate's eyes go huge and then grow amused by her confession. "As I result of these momentous changes, I am now in the possession of some very, very good persuasion techniques I can use against Javier Esposito." She winks at Kate. "So no need to worry about him, because I'll make damn sure he comes around, even if it's the last thing I'll ever do," she says with a confident grin and Kate returns it with a one of her own.

She shuts the door behind Lanie's sauntering form, leaning her back against its solid wood. She is surprised to find a grin still plastered over her face. Maybe not all is lost after all.

TBC

And yes, I know, you all enjoy this and all, but you want to finally see Castle and Beckett talk again, am I right? OKay, okay now, so how about next chapter? ;)