I want to start off by saying this was Rachel's idea. She gave me this journal this morning. She said to write thoughts and feelings and events of the day in it. Fancy way of not calling it a diary in my opinion. She said this would be just for me and I can put in it whatever I want because no one else will ever read it. That's still a very new feeling for me. I've never had anything that was private before.
Rachel's on board completely to help me find out who I really am. I've been wondering if this is what respect feels like. She gave me a haircut yesterday so now I look less like the real thing. Thank goodness for that. She helped me figure out my new name and that I'm pretty good at potion making. But there's still a lot about her I haven't figured out. Her attitude can jump from one extreme to the next sometimes. Friendly, then demanding respect. Kind then she summons a creature of Darkness. I still haven't figured that one out yet but I'm not sure how to ask about it. Even the real thing was surprised when she called that shadow monster. I hate it that he's around so much. I hate it that Rachel was spot on about how I feel about it.
But to be honest I'm not really sure how I feel about anything. in quiet moments like this I have a hard time sorting things out. Real or not, I know my heart's been rewritten and broken…but I'm not sure how that reflects on what I feel. Do I really feel what I think I'm feeling? Or am I just subconsciously reacting to emotions as I recognize them? I'm sure…or at least I hope Rachel will know. Even if she doesn't, it's amazing how she can speak with authority to make what she's saying sound unquestionably true. Then she follows up by baby-talking her cat. I am going to figure her out.
I can't believe it's only been a few days.
I've been trying not to think about it because it makes this overwhelming feeling in my head and I don't like it. But I can't stop thinking about it. Castle Oblivion, the Organization…Namine…Sora and the real thing. How am I supposed to make sense of the two extremes?
I'm not going back. I know that. Whether by choice or magic I'm not going back to that place or that time. I want to trust Rachel…maybe even tolerate the real thing. Even if she speaks the truth that I don't want to hear she makes sense. I know I need it. Yet I think back to that other life and all the untrustworthy, manipulative people in it. I start feeling confused. I don't know why anyone would go through all this trouble to lure me into anything. Vexen and the other Nobody's didn't care of me. I was just a pawn to make their game more interesting. No one cared. I didn't mean anything to anyone. So why would anyone try to manipulate me again? What kind of end game could anyone be trying to accomplish with me? I don't want that to be true. But I cant shake this seed of doubt. But I don't want to feel that. I really do want this to be real. I don't know what trust feels like. I want to believe…but I'm also scared.