ASHLEY
You know those days where you shouldn't be around people until you've had fifteen more hours of sleep and at least a gallon of coffee? It's gonna be one of those days and I don't know whether to blame rotten luck or bad cave explorers for the Goblins forcing all of us through the awful-smelling halls of their underground city. If I ever meet Lady Luck, then I'm gonna murder the bitch!
They were a pale and diseased lot, looking similar to Orcs in everything except size; their city crudely built out of things they could scavenge. The bridge under my feet sways and creaks from the weight as we're herded towards an enormous, foul-looking Goblin, rolls of fat covered in boils and sores, and its chin swinging back and forth as he stands from his throne. He seemed to have difficulty standing, the lesser Goblins staying behind him and pushing with all their might to keep him from falling back and crushing them.
"Clap, snap, the black crack," the Goblin sings, though it didn't sound like he could carry a tune in a bucket," grip, grab, pinch, and nab! Batter and beat, milk 'em, stammer, and squeak. Pound, pound far underground!" Discordant music plays along with the singing, making me cover my ears with a wince. "Down, down, down in Goblin-Town!"
"Somebody needs some lessons," Nori growls, punching a nearby Goblin only to have another prod him with a spear made of wood and bone.
"Catchy, isn't it? It's one of my own compositions."
"You don't say," I mutter under my breath, wincing again when I'm prodded in the back.
"I do say!" Our weapons are thrown to the ground, Goblins rifling through them with vigor and smudging the blades with their grimy, little hands. Holding my head high, I give the Great Goblin my best sneer, having found more fear when Goblins were chasing us through the dark passages of Moria. I can see them now, the torchlight offering a perfect glow, and it would be a simple matter to force the hulking monster over the edge of his platform. Try me, bitch. "Who is bold enough to come armed into my kingdom; spies, thieves, assassins?"
"Do you think we would've let you catch us if we were one of those?" Haldir elbows me in the side, but I pay him no mind. This far along in the day, I'd happily tell Sauron where to stick his accusations, and this guy isn't nearly as scary as the Great Eye, let me tell ya.
"Why is a human girl and one of those prancing Elflings keeping company with Dwarves, I wonder?"
"Well, it was either the Dwarves or you, and they smell a whole lot better, big fella."
"Search them and bring the girl to me!" I growl as I'm jerked forward, a whip cracking across my back and driving me to my knees once I'm in front of him. This close, I could see the yellow puss seeping out of his sores, the rank scent of death clinging to him from the corpses he devours. "You dare to speak to me with such disrespect? I'll have to eat you first." Defiant, I spread my arms and meet his gaze with a smile.
"Try it and see what happens! I haven't had caffeine in God knows how long, I've been sleeping on the ground for most of this damn trip, and I nearly died ten minutes ago, so I'd like to see you top all of that!" For someone so large, he was able to sweep my off my feet quick as lightning, holding me upside down by my legs. "Is this meant to be intimidating?"
"Tell me why you were on my front porch or I'll eat the girl here and now!" I scoff, holding my shirt down to keep it from covering my face and flashing everyone. As proud as I am of my boobs, I'd rather my husband be the only one to check them out.
"We were on a path," Bofur says quickly, pushing his way to the front of the group," actually it was more like a track. Anyway, we were on this road-path-track thing and then we weren't, which is a problem because we were supposed to be in Dunland last Tuesday."
"Visiting distant relations," Dori adds as the others mumble in agreement.
"Some inbreds on my mother's side."
"Shut up," the Great Goblin howls, his breath making me turn my head and gag. "If they will not talk, then we'll make them squawk." He throws me away from him, laughing as I collide with the others and we topple to the ground with grunts of pain.
"I tried…"
"Nah, you did good," I assure Bofur as all of us get back to our feet. "I should just keep my mouth shut from now on."
"Your temper has horrible timing," Haldir sighs as he pulls me against him, wrapping an arm around me on instinct as we stare around us at the thousands of Goblins.
"Tell me something I don't know, babe."
"Bring out the mangler," the Great Goblin orders loudly," bring out the bonebreaker! We'll start with the youngest."
"Wait," Thorin cries out quickly before Ori could be drug from the group. He makes his way to the front, shrugging off his kin as they try to hold him back, steely blue eyes locked on the Great Goblin without even a hint of fear.
"Look who it is; Thorin, son of Thrain, song of Thror, and King Under the Mountain." Thorin is given a mocking bow, but he keeps his head up nonetheless, undaunted and more patient than I am. Maybe I can sneak him through the portal with Haldir and me so he can rule in my stead? "Oh, that's right, you don't have a mountain to be King of, so you're just another nobody." There's a moment of silence where the Great Goblin bends to look into Thorin's eyes, his own wide and pink-tinted. "I know someone who'd pay a pretty price for your head; nothing else, just the head. Can you guess who I refer to, Dwarf? I'll give you a hint, he's even paler than the Elf in your Company and his Warg paler still."
"Azog the Defiler was destroyed in the Battle of Azanulbizar, I saw it." To be fair, this guy's a lot calmer than I would have been in his situation.
"You really think his defiling days are done?" After a hoarse giggle, the Great Goblin turns to a smaller messenger seated in a basket and holding a piece of slate. "Send word to the Pale Orc and tell him I have found his prize." The little Goblin scribbles the message quickly before pulling on a lever and disappearing into the darkness. I wince as the Goblins close ranks around us again, pushing and digging for any hidden trinkets.
"I'm taking about twenty baths when we get home," I grumble, kicking one of the Goblins back when it tried to snatch my wedding ring. As I struggle to keep the ring and my locket out of Goblin hands, torture machines are brought in and the Great Goblin continues to sing, though it was more akin to screeching. It's not until a Goblin drops a sword with a howl and the other Goblins lurch backwards that the singing finally stops again, all eyes locked on the sword that Thorin had found in the troll hoard.
"I know that sword, it is the Goblin-Cleaver!" In a rage, the Goblins holding whips lash out again and every other one seems to find rocks to throw our way, one catching my arm with enough strength to tear my brand new shirt. "It's the Biter, the blade that sliced a thousand necks! Slash them, beat them, kill them!" I let out a shout as a Goblin barrels into me, sending me to the ground and trying to gouge my eyes out with his claws.
"Fuck off!" I kick out at it, my boot catching it in its stomach and knocking it to the ground long enough for me to get back to my feet, another well-placed kick to its skull knocking it unconscious at the very least. A sudden white flash blinds us all, making me stumble backwards against my husband with my hands covering my eyes. "Goddamn it, Gandy!" Wind follows the flash, forcing all the Goblins to the ground, and when it all clears there's hardly any light to see by.
"Take up arms," Gandalf commands," fight!" I get back to my feet and help Haldir up before grabbing my short sword, wielding it like my adar had taught me. The battle that followed wasn't nearly so vicious with Gandalf's help, lasting a few minutes until we were able to follow the Wizard along the rope bridges and stilted paths of Goblin-Town. The Goblins followed as we ran, their knowledge of the place giving them the high ground, though we continued to slaughter them as they came for us.
"Cut the ropes," Thorin calls out once we're all huddled again, the scaffolding on our right falling against the Goblins swinging our way. It offered little reprieve as they continued to swarm, Kíli and a few of the others catching some Goblins in a ladder and forcing them backwards into the fray, pushing other Goblins off the bride we're on and using the ladder to form a bridge between paths. I jump from rung to rung with ease, all the training I went through coming to the forefront of my mind and not allowing pure reason to take over yet.
Logical me doesn't rear its head until the bridge we're on pulls away from its holding, swinging towards another section swiftly and without warning. "Jump!" This far along, it's hard to distinguish voices, but I obey without question and hit the next destination in a roll, getting back to my feet with a shit-eating grin.
"Did you see that," I call to Hal as we start running again," I could've died, but that was awesome!"
"Brag when we're a bit safer, Mel," Hal calls back with a fond smile all the same. The way down through the tunnels is made quicker when Gandy knocks a boulder free, the stone rolling down the path like a giant cartoon snowball, smashing Goblins or knocking them out of our way. We make another sharp left as the boulder continues straight off the cliff, a few Goblins attacking us, but it's mainly smooth sailing until we reach a wide bridge and the Great Goblin pops up out of the woodwork like a damn daisy.
"Son of a bitch, can't we just get a tiny break?!" Smaller Goblins gather behind us and the Great Goblin, the latter of which looked like he'd just won the lottery.
"You thought you could escape me," he proclaims smugly, swinging his rotting staff at Gandalf in an attempt to knock him off the bridge, but Gandalf lunges backward and stays on his feet with the help of Gloin. "What are you gonna do now, Wizard?" Not even hesitating for a second, Gandalf jabs his staff forward into the Goblin's eye and uses Glamdring to slice open his fat belly. "That'll do it." Gandalf strikes again, his sword cutting through part of the Goblin's neck, causing the Goblin to fall face first on the bridge.
Now that would be all fine and dandy had our section not broken free and taken us with it down into the chasm, all of us clinging tightly to the wood as we plummet below, breaking other structures and bouncing between the walls as we go, screams of fear ripped from my throat as I use one hand hold onto Haldir's and the other on the edge of the bridge.
We come to a rough stop at the very bottom, grunts of pain and few sighs of relief filling the still air. I'll never go on another roller-coaster for the rest of my life. I think I'm gonna be sick…. "Well," Bofur tries," that could've been worse." No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the Great Goblin crashed on top of us, the blow slightly cushioned by the wood surrounding us, but driving the air out of my lungs all the same. Next person to say that while on this adventure is getting my sword shoved somewhere highly unpleasant. With a few mumbled curses, I pull myself out of the wreckage and help Haldir do the same picking a few splinters of wood from his silver-gold hair. For a second, one I cherished beyond normal reasoning, everything was calm again and I had that moment with Hal where we exchanged relieved looks.
Then the Goblins had to go and screw it up.
"Gandalf," Kíli shouts, drawing everyone's attention to the thousand or so Goblins climbing down the walls after us, shrieking as they go.
"There's too many," Dwalin calls out as he helps Nori to his feet," we can't fight them!"
"To daylight, then," Gandy orders, helping where he can until he's sure everyone's been dug out," hurry! Run!" Oh, for the love of all that's good and holy, why can't we face a creature that's super slow and allows us to walk around it? Just once, I'd like a break where the bad guys are concerned! I start sprinting again, the edges of my vision darkening as I fight to keep breathing, my eyes locked on the end of the stone passage where daylight was shining, a beacon of hope that burned brighter than that stupid one in Minas Tirith that Pip and I lit.
Pizza, I think as I continue to run, if I make it back to my timeline alive, then I'm gonna find a way to make a huge pizza and eat it all by myself! I've earned it by now; I've fought in a gazillion battles and one massive war, I gave life to a tiny human that acts way too much like her father, and I'm working on making a Dwarf fall in love with a Hobbit.What more could the Creator want from me before a pizza falls from the heavens?
I only slow down when Gandalf begins to count heads, finally stopping when I reach his side, wheezing and bent forward with my hands on my knees. It feels like my lungs are on fire and my heart might beat itself right out of my chest. Oh lord, I'm not gonna make it. My asthma hadn't vanished after all, making my throat swell more than usual and my shoulders shake from a violent cough as I tried to get my breath back.
"Here, Callaghan," Gandy offers, resting a hand on my back and muttering something. I wanted to ask what he was doing with all the touchy-feely crap, but suddenly the asthma attack vanished and I could breathe easier than ever.
"Thanks," I tell him as I straighten up," I needed that."
"You can repay me by telling me where our Hobbit is." I open my mouth to answer, then pause to look around, and firmly close my mouth with a shake of my head. "I was afraid of that." He turns to address the rest of the Company, his free hand planted firmly on his hip. "Where is our Hobbit?" The others look around us as well, like they expected to find him behind a tree or something.
"This so isn't good."
"Curse that Halfling," Gloin snarls, both Thorin and myself sending him a harsh stare," now he's lost?"
"Oi, you speak about Bilbo in that tone of voice again and I'll find a bar of soap to wash your mouth out with!" It was a familiar threat that I've been using since high school when Kharl started drinking, though I never realized back then that it would have the same effect on a Dwarf, Gloin snapping his mouth shut and blushing while Thorin just nods in approval. "Now, let's find him before those Goblins do."
"Aye," Thorin agrees," groups of two, we'll make our way back to the tunnel, but we'll do it carefully!"
"No," comes a voice from behind me, causing me to squeak and spin in my heel," he isn't lost." Bilbo was right there, giving me a friendly smile despite the mischief in his hazel eyes. He'd wanted to make me jump, the little turd. All the same, I pat him on the shoulder and move to stand by Haldir. He's found the Ring.
Duh, was Haldir's answering thought, the Elf sending me an inquiring look. Should we force him to get rid of it?
No, he's supposed to have it or everything in our timeline could go all pear-shaped. The thoughts went quiet after that and I just shrug as we tune into the conversation. "What does it matter," Gandalf asks, noticing the small gold ring that Bilbo slips into the pocket of his waistcoat," he's back."
"It matters," Thorin insists," I want to know why you came back." Bilbo pauses, a thousand emotions flickering in his eyes until he settles on exasperation as he faces Thorin with only a moment's pause for breath.
"I know you doubt me," Bilbo states in a calm tone that I've always associated with Hobbits," you always have, and you're right, I often think of Bag End. I miss my books, and my armchair, and my garden; see, that's where I belong, that's my home. That's why I came back, 'cause you don't have books, or an armchair, or a garden to call home. A dragon took all that from you, but I will help you if I can." Thorin's gaze softened as he took the Hobbit it, blue eyes traveling from the curly hair on Bilbo's head to the curly hair on his feet.
The tender moment is broken by familiar howling and a broken language, making me let out a miserable groan and turn my gaze to Gandy. Wargs and Orcs again, these guys are more tenacious than the Uruk-Hai. "Out of the frying pan…."
"And into the fire," Gandalf nods, just as exhausted about all this as I am," Run!" Resigned, I turn and begin to run with the others past the pine trees and the large, flat rocks beneath our feet, Gandalf's spell still working and allowing me to run without the worry of collapsing unable to breathe. Behind us, I could hear the spine-tingling howls of angry Wargs hot on our heels and I draw Linte from its scabbard, the leather braided around the hilt cool in my hand. The sun quickly disappears the longer we run, and we don't stop until the moon's rising in the sky. "Into the trees!"
I run to the closest tree and jump to grab one of the sturdier branches, wiggling and climbing until I'm up in the higher branches, memories of a childhood spent climbing trees in Oklahoma coming back full force. Haldir and Bombur are right behind me and the others are climbing into trees as well, though they seemed to have some trouble at first. Climbing trees is a second nature for me, most of my summers spent building new treehouses that storms had destroyed. The Wargs show up soon afterwards, snapping and snarling and clawing at the base of the trees, making them shake.
If I fall now, I'll be brought home in a body bag.